WORCESTER, Mass. — Diehard Wu-Tang Clan fan Jeremy Taggart recently admitted that his obsession with the legendary rap group stems mostly from the appealing fantasy of having nine friends, bummed family members admitted.
“Of course Wu-Tang Clan’s beats are great and they have bars for days, but the quality that keeps me coming back is the friendship- the beautiful friendship amongst nine bros achieving their dreams together,” whimpered Taggart, who was the person outbid by Martin Shkreli for the rap group’s infamous one-of-a-kind album. “Can you imagine having eight people to text if you’re bored? And calling yourselves something cool, like the Ninja Ninos or the Karate Kamrades? I sure can’t and definitely haven’t spent hours of my life daydreaming about it.”
Experts on the increasing trend of male loneliness offered theories on how those affected cope with their situation.
“Adult men commonly treat their friendlessness with intense interest in bands, rap groups, and sports teams,” explained Dr. Joe Roth, a therapist specializing in men’s issues. “This phenomenon starts early, with media like ‘Care Bears’ and ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ setting lofty expectations of how many friends one will have in life. Then when men leave school, they are stunned to find that friendships require effort. Many, like Jeremy Taggart, let their relationships wither and spend their days dreaming about hanging out with U-God and Cappadonna. Truly sad stuff.”
Members of the Wu-Tang Clan attribute much of their success to the strength of their friendships.
“When we come together, we form like Voltron and make something undeniable,” said Method Man, who is godfather to no less than 17 children of other Wu-Tang Clan members. “And I would do anything for my brothers. I’d fuckin, I’d fuckin sew their assholes shut and keep feeding them and feeding them and feeding them if they really needed it. That’s how much I love these dudes. It also helps that we made millions of dollars together.”
Taggart is reportedly trying to start a rap group of his own, in lieu of texting someone he knows “Hey how have you been?”
Shoegaze music and having fun in a group setting don’t typically go together. That makes sense when you consider this genre is best enjoyed by yourself in a dark room on a rainy day when the sun sets at 3:30 p.m. in the dead of autumn so you can experience seasonal depression to its full potential. But maybe there’s still hope. Here are the top 30 shoegaze songs of all time that will probably get you ostracized from your friend group if you dare pick up that aux cord and play anything from this genre at a party.
30. Astrobrite “crasher” (2001)
One of the main characteristics of shoegaze is that none of the instruments are distinguishable from one another. Even the vocals are blended into the overall sound. This is a tough sell for people who want to hear more relatable lyrics about doing shots because they’re doing shots.
29. Galaxie 500 “Tugboat” (1988)
Galaxie 500 is the type of band that will make you lose aux privileges at your own party that you arranged. A new host named Josh will be democratically elected thereafter. He will put on Lizzo and be applauded for usurping you. The afterparty will be at Josh’s, and they “forgot” to invite you.
28. Slow Crush “Glow” (2018)
This may be one of the peppier shoegaze songs on this list, but the party will quickly see through that faux upbeat energy and rip the aux cord from you faster than they can plug in Post Malone.
27. Tamaryn “Love Fade” (2010)
The closest thing to a shoegaze band that the party is going to want to hear is a Deftones song. Don’t even think about anything else. Especially not this incredible track.
26. Flyingfish “blurry” (2023)
Putting on shoegaze at a party is equivalent to sending your crush an unsolicited dick pic. Sure, it sounds like a good idea at the time, but you will be ghosted, mocked relentlessly behind your back, and put on one of the “weird” websites. Rightfully so.
25. DIIV “For the Guilty” (2019)
You’re going to tell people at this boisterous party that you want to hear DIIV. Only your friends will mishear you and think you said Drake. But they’ll find out quickly that this song is not conducive to a social gathering of anything more than one person.
24. LSD and the Search for God “Starting Over” (2007)
The guy who put on Creed when it was his turn at the aux cord received a standing ovation and became the life of the party. On the other hand, you were asked to leave.
23. Swirlies “Pancake” (1993)
It doesn’t matter how drunk everyone is, nothing will sober up a party quicker than a song that makes them want to curl up in the fetal position in the corner of the room and remind them that suffering is inevitable and must be embraced through song.
22. Alvvays “Pharmacist” (2022)
Not even the Dungeon and Dragons party that secretly turns into an orgy after midnight will be into shoegaze. My God, will you be accepted anywhere socially for listening to this genre? The chances are slim to none.
21. Narrow Head “Cool in Motion” (2020)
There’s a more recent offshoot of shoegaze called “nu gaze.” You can try to explain this in full detail to anyone around you. But remember you’re here to make friends. Not lifelong enemies who will wish ill on you for bringing up such a thing.
20. Blonde Redhead “23” (2007)
Sometimes shoegaze comes in handy when you least suspect it. Like, when you’re hosting a party and you’re ready for everyone to leave, just throw on any song from this genre and it’ll fan out almost immediately. There’s a silver lining to enjoying ethereal tones.
19. Catherine Wheel “Black Metallic” (1992)
Just because you’ve listened to this one so many times at one in the morning by yourself on a Tuesday doesn’t mean it will translate to a party. Hard to believe, but it’s true. Someone has to break it to you.
18. Smashing Pumpkins “Mayonaise” (1993)
Smashing Pumpkins are not necessarily a shoegaze unit, but some of their songs have shoegaze elements and they were influenced by My Bloody Valentine. That counts for something. Regardless, the sound of Billy Corgan’s voice is enough for anyone to pry the aux cord from your cold, dead, shoegaze-loving hands.
17. Airiel “In Your Room” (2004)
If you’re ever at a party and everyone is having the time of their lives and you think to yourself, “Now might be the time to up the game and release this nearly 10-minute shoegaze track unto this social event,” you would be wrong. It’s never a good time. Just die already.
16. pinkshinyultrablast “Blaster” (2016)
Everyone will somehow be able to tell that this is one of those bands that doesn’t use spaces in their name and it’s all in lowercase. It’s one of the major characteristics of shoegaze. You don’t see Imagine Dragons doing that and look how far they’ve gotten.
NEW YORK — Embattled Republican congressman George Santos shocked constituents and detractors alike when it was revealed he actually pays for OnlyFans content.
“When I saw the news about how Santos had spent his campaign funds I was just as shocked as anyone,” said OnlyFans creator Dan Steele. “My livelihood depends on people opening their wallets and pocketbooks to watch me stick my giant penis inside various baked goods. But so often I’ll see my content shared on free websites, every person who gets off to my videos without paying the $6 a month is basically stealing food out of my mouth and off of my engorged penis. I think George is a foul Republican stooge who scammed voters, but I’m hoping he doesn’t cancel on me. I could really use a little bump in exposure.”
Some supporters of Rep. Santos say they don’t mind his alleged misappropriation of funds.
“For all we know he was buying those porno videos in order to research how Hunter Biden is profiting from Ukraine. But it don’t seem like nobody is talking about that now,” said Santos supporter Eddie Calick, a mechanic on Long Island. “They are talking about him getting Botox and buying makeup from Sephora, so what? The guy just wants to make his wife nice and pretty. That’s money well spent. I wish my wife would do the same. I bought my wife a membership to the Gold’s Gym by her work and she called me an asshole.”
Rep. Santos continued to defend his use of campaign funds.
“I did nothing wrong. Those people sent me money, I used it for things I wanted. If your mother gives you a birthday card with $20 are you going to spend it on ad buys for a political campaign, or are you going to buy some nice foundation from Sephora that doesn’t get all over your suit? The choice is easy,” said Rep. Santos. “And with the economy in shambles thanks to Joe Biden’s policies I’m happy to support small businesses in the content creator space. If you want to talk about ‘ethics’ I’m actually more ethical than most people who consume erotic art online. These people are doing amazing things, and some of them will even make custom videos for you if you pay them enough.”
At press time, premium accounts for Pornhub, Spankbang, Brazzers, Czech Hunter, Redtube, and xHamster were all linked to Santos.
DIAMOND BAR, Calif. — Snoop Dogg rescinded a statement he released on social media Thursday announcing he’d give up smoking and admitted the post did not accurately reflect his relationship with cannabis clarifying he “was high when he said that.”
“Man, don’t trust a word I say when I’m blazing that good shit,” stated Snoop Dogg with bloodshot eyes. “We’ve all been there. You get way too fucking high and the world starts spinning. You just want it to end but it doesn’t. So you FaceTime your publicist, tell them to draw up a melodramatic black-and-white graphic claiming you’re giving up smoking, and push it out to the masses — despite your entire brand and public persona being built around it. It’s something we’ve all done. Fuck, I might do it again.”
Fans of the hip-hop artist jumped to express their relief that their hero’s fall from grace was merely a false alarm.
“Thank God, bro. Weed is my entire personality,” said 29-year-old Snoop Dogg fan, Dylan Cambell. “My bedroom is covered in velvet blacklight posters and this drug rug is the only shirt I own. If the man who became famous for being a 6’4” walking blunt decided to give it up, what does that make me? Would I have to give it up? I have nothing without my kush.”
Fans aren’t the only ones ecstatic about the news. Local grower and personal weed dealer for Snoop Dogg was relieved to hear it was a false alarm.
“Thursday was the most stressful day of my life. I thought I was out of a job. I thought I was going to have to sell a few of my cars, maybe start renting out the pool house for some extra cash,” stated dispensary owner, Josh Hernandez. “I started this weed business and landed Snoop Dogg as my singular client. Mr. Dogg is personally responsible for sending my kids through college. We are talking Ivy League, and my kids are not exceptional, so I’m paying full price. I’m glad he’s come to his senses.”
At press time, Snoop Dogg made a new statement announcing he’d be giving up edibles after eating an entire tray of Martha Stewart’s brownies.
RICHMOND, Va. — Avid punk and reluctant father, John Husk Sr., looked stunningly glowing during his son’s first-ever court appearance yesterday for assaulting three officers, blushing sources confirmed.
“I couldn’t be more proud,” said Husk Sr. while holding back tears of joy. “He popped not one, but three cops right in the face. And then he had the gumption to tell all the officers to ‘eat his ass, I know how much pigs like to eat shit.’ I was blown away. It’s like his ability to not give a fuck about authority is stronger than mine, and, as a father, that’s more than you could ever hope for. I feel like I can die happy now, like I did a good job. He took on three pigs and made ‘em all squeal. Pull me down I’m floating away.”
The defendant, Husk Jr., noted how distracting his dad’s outbursts were during the proceedings.
“It was kind of embarrassing. He kept hootin’ and hollerin’ and yelling ‘That’s my boy’ like an asshole, cheering every time they brought a new eye witness on the stand to testify about the absolute beating I gave those cops,” sighed Husk Jr from a holding cell. “I was gonna tell him to shut up, but when I turned around, he looked happy in a way I’ve never seen before, and I, uh, stopped myself. I figure there will be plenty of court appearances for me in the future, this one can be for him.”
Several attendees compared Husk Sr.’s distinctive glow to that of a pregnant model winning the lottery under an autumn sun.
“We were graced that day by otherworldly beauty, being in his presence felt like witnessing a historical religious event,” professed Judge Mike Shoehorn. “The courtroom was out of control, and I knew it. But as I went to call it Kangaroo court, I was stopped by the gold stone face of Mr. Husk, silently pleading ‘no.’ How could I continue? The joy he was emanating was contagious. I was injected by a virus called love.”
At press time, Judge Shoehorn admitted to adding a few months to Husk Jr.’s sentence just to see Husk Sr. smile one more time.
Meeee-owwww! Isn’t food great? The way it tastes, the way it smells, the way my little kitty cat body involuntarily begins to float through the air when it’s around.
Ooh wee! You better be careful not to put any of these items out on a window sill unattended! If you do, I, a cartoon cat, might just begin to spontaneously levitate toward said items and GRAB ‘EM… you know… with my little, tiny kitty cat mittens.
Turkey
Puuuuurrrrrrrr. This puddy cat loooovvees seeing a poor, defenseless turkey sitting on a kitchen counter. I just can’t help myself.
The key to sneaking up on a turkey is to keep a low, surreptitious float until you’re right at the kitchen counter. Once at eye level, you grab a hot, tasty leg and eat it like an old-fashioned typewriter. Nom nom nom nom nom.
Tuna
Mew! Mew! Mew! A can of tuna is a red alert for any self-respecting cartoon cat. When that fishy smell penetrates my olfactory organs, I melt into a puddle of liquid before reconstituting myself again as solid matter. Once returned to my original state, I begin to float erratically in a zig-zagging pattern through two-dimensional space until I have located and consumed the tuna, can and all.
Pie
A classic of the floating cartoon character genre. This feline will hiss vociferously at any dog, mouse, bird, pig, or human who gets in my way when a hot pie is present. This is no joke.
It’s best to be direct when floating toward a pie; just go directly to the window sill it is undoubtedly cooling on. As you get closer, begin to inhale quickly, from several feet away, as if your mouth was a vacuum. The pie won’t stand a chance.
Banana Bread
When I smell a HOT HOT HOT loaf of banana bread, I go WILD. I start running around erratically, obstinately clawing the couch, and meowing in an insistent, ill-tempered way. When I catch a whiff of that sweet B and B, I float butt first toward the nearest table, wrap my little tabby tail around that steamy loaf, and gulp it down in one single bite.
Popcorn
There is almost nothing this little mouser likes more than a movie and some popcorn. When popcorn is in the air, so am I. Aloft, I float gingerly in the direction of the microwave before securing my prize. Once in my possession, I juggle five to ten pieces at a time before widening my jaw, directing the pieces skyward and, as they form a single column, catching each morsel in my open kitty cat mouth.
Lasagna
You don’t have to hate Mondays to love some sweet I-tal-yan lasagna. Whenever a tray of piping hot za is in my vicinity, I pull out a large mallet and bash myself over the head five to seven times to get myself in the mood. Thoroughly zooted, I float upside down to the countertop where the cooling, vulnerable lasagna awaits. Once there, I carve out exactly one corner piece with a single claw and abscond to my secret lair.
Ham
Ham, ham, it’s good for my belly! When I eat it I turn to jelly! That was just a little something I came up with.
If ham is cooking, I’m floating HIGH. Way, way up to the ceiling. The higher the ceiling the better! Once the ham is in my sights, I dive bomb, swallow the whole leg of ham in one go, and slowly pull out the completely clean bone while I cartoonishly lick my lips.
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Can kitty cats be cookie monsters? You betcha. And since I’m just a little perfect cartoon tomcat and not a real cat, I can eat chocolate and not die of liver failure. Ha ha!
When a plate of chocolate chip cookies are fresh out of the oven, I’ll float, toolbag in tow, to the underside of the table they’re cooling on. From there, I’ll pull out a saw, cut a perfect circle underneath where the delicious treats are resting, and tilt the entire plate of cookies right into my mouth.
Freshly Baked Bread
Freshly baked bread makes me lose my cool. As soon as I spot a fresh loaf of French bread or a long and tasty baguette, my eyes bug out of my head and I let out a sharp “AWOOOOGA.” Then I float in circles around the freshly baked bread taking in the flavorsome, yeasty smell before pouncing on it with incredible ferocity.
Coffee
I’m a cool cat. When someone is brewing some coffee, I lower my Wayfarer sunglasses and let them fall down my lil puddy cat nose. I begin to snap as jazz music starts to play. I float calmly, cooly, toward the carafe of fresh java, pour myself a cup, and sip. Can you dig it?
“Wait,” you eventually protest. “Coffee isn’t a food.” To that I say, “It is if you also eat the beans Daddy-O.”
Wanna read something crazy? Well, you’re still here, so we’re going to keep on truckin’ by stating that at one point San Diego’s Unwritten Law had zero original band members. Unwritten Law formed in the whale’s vagina just one year before grunge took over the world, released their debut studio album “Blue Room” in 1994, the year that punk broke, signed with Epic Records shortly after, and now has a total of seven full-lengths that we are ranking worst to best below. No, “Seein’ Red” isn’t their only song, and yes, more than half of their albums rule.
7. Swan (2011)
At this point in Unwritten Law’s long career the band took its largest break between albums, and eventually released their underrated sixth LP “Swan,” uh, six years after their fifth record “Here’s to the Mourning.” Released on Suburban Noize Records, founded by members of straight-edge NYHC band Kottonmouth Kings, SR put out the first inconsistent UL album since their debut, but, and we’re not being silly squirrels here, even mid-Unwritten Law is better than your second cousin Emil’s “punk” group. Fans still didn’t jump on the swan as it barely cracked the Billboard 200 at 195, a feat for most but a fall for UL. Sadly the next release, their seventh/most recent effort “The Hum” had a longer break between its predecessor than “Swan” did.
Play it again: “Starships and Apocalypse” Skip it: Approximately ⅓ of it
6. The Hum (2022)
Last year brought us “The Hum,” and if you missed it because you were looking for a parking spot or repeatedly watching modern classic “Blonde” over and over, we implore you to stop reading this ranking piece and spin it front to back if you desperately want to hear a 1990 act still rock and rolling, which is a huge accomplishment for both beggars AND choosers, in the year of our lord known as 2022. The album opens with what sounds like a xylophone, and such keys set the tone for a fun, fun, fun listen, but without question with less replay value than the next five LPs, as, like its former, it’s a disjointed listen. Still, we pine for another UL studio album in less than eleven years that will likely keep us scatting and snapping.
Play it again: “Beggars” Skip it: Slightly less than ⅓ of it
5. Blue Room (1994)
Like we said earlier, Unwritten Law released their solid debut album “Blue Room” via indie label Red Eye Records, ultimately inked a deal with Epic Records, then home to Korn and Wesley Willis, re-released this gem of an LP shortly after. Crazy Poway kids and many others in the know skated along to “Blue Room” and said album certainly set the stage for more albums to come that showcased both musical and songwriting growth. Also, the band ended up re-recording “Suzanne” for its follow-up “Oz Factor,” but we’re still all about this version, and even highlight it below in our “play it again” section; speaking of re-imagining, the band also re-recorded “Shallow.” Fun fact: This record is EXACTLY thirty-three minutes long, and its cover art was created by Nathan Bagel, yes, Bagel.
Play it again: “Suzanne” Skip it: “Lessons”
4. Oz Factor (1996)
Unwritten Law’s sophomore studio album “Oz Factor” was the band’s first to be initially released on a major label, and likely exposed a lot of your bigger sister’s frenemies in high school to the band, but we know the truth about where you came in, and we’re still seein’ red about it. Produced by Greg Graffin of The Aquabats, “Oz Factor” is fifty-seven seconds longer than “Blue Room” and about 3.14 times more enjoyable. UL had quite a stronghold on the mid-90s skate punk world, and it would only get tighter with this LP’s subsequent release, the band’s third and self-titled effort. A note worth mentioning is that this record is bassist John Bell’s final one with the band, and Sprung Monkey’s, yep, Sprung Monkey’s bassist Pat “PK” Kim joined Unwritten Law shortly after “Unwritten Law” was recorded, and his playing is VERY underrated as well.
Play it again: “Superman” Skip it: “Differences”
3. Here’s to the Mourning (2005)
Now we are covering the first medal winner, the bronze “Here’s to the Mourning,” which happens to be both the band’s last major label effort and by far their most underappreciated LP. Many of the songs were co-written with future The Interrupters frontwoman Aimee “I Am Not An Interrupter Yet But My Gritty Yet Sweet Vocals Will Eventually Cause Someone Around You To Stop Chatting” Allen. Aimee also was involved with singer Scott Russo’s side project “Scott & Aimee,” and it deserves some love too! We love, not like, the way this album sounds, and props are in order for drummer Adrian Young of No Doubt and Tony Palermo formerly of Pulley and currently with Papa Roach for picking up the slack when original drummer Wade Youman lost control of himself and was unceremoniously fired. Rejection’s cold, but don’t worry, kids, Wade is back now and better than ever!
Play it again: “Celebration Song” Skip it: “Slow Dance”
2. Elva (2002)
Unwritten Law’s fourth studio album “Elva” served as a graduation from the Punk Rock Academy and a bridge to both Terabithia and the prestigious but oft-maligned Alternative Rock master’s program taught by Soundgarden flutist Krist Novoselic. Since we shouted out PK, Russo, and Youman, we must give props to the two guitarists Rob Brewer and Steve Morris’ work on “Elva,” even though neither of them currently play with Unwritten Law. Also, if you want a quick immature giggle, this LP debuted at number sixty-nine on the US Billboard 200, so it was hellborn from the start! The band moved around from major label Epic Records to Interscope Records for their self-titled record and this one served as their last of two for IR, the label that brought you both child star Eminem and hip-hopper Shirley Temple.
Play it again: “Up All Night” Skip it: Well, if we have to, we’d go with the unnecessary spoken word track “Nick and Phil”; this album is THAT good that no actual song belongs here
1. Self-Titled (1998)
“Harmonic” is a top ten ‘90s punk rock opening track and it is so cool that it starts with a guitar tuning into a riff that just doesn’t let up in the best way. For this reason and many, many others, Unwritten Law’s self-titled third LP proved that three IS truly a magic number, and that “Unwritten Law” and Unwritten Law will forever reign on the winning lexicon of aggressive music, albeit with a non-iron fist. This record is also a “no skip” holiday of a time, and you should just close your eyes and agree with us or you will literally be sorry. Before we go, we want to highlight, err, “Before I Go,” track eleven, as it is a beautiful and sad masterpiece that gets played adoringly at people’s funerals.
Play it again: The whole thing, lonesome weirdos Skip it: 419, as it doesn’t exist, and neither should you
GAZA CITY — Teen fandom magazine Tiger Beat sent novice 16-year-old journalist Palmer Fredricks to Gaza for live reporting, confirmed sources who didn’t know the publication covered world events and international conflict.
“Oh my God oh my God, what am I doing out here, you guys?” opined Fredricks, holding his phone in the air for any signal. “OK, so I read a little on Wikipedia about the conflict on the plane ride over. And not gonna lie, it seems like the international community should actively step in and put an end to this. Like, lowkey sus. Not chill at all. Plus, I forgot CBD gummies! My anxiety is through the roof. Ugh. I mostly post about TikTok trends and Timothée, but this place is giving total boomer energy. Nobody here has any rizz. Miss me with that aggro problematic confrontational bullshit, OK? I’m trying to create a safe space, I’m trying to set boundaries. And like, my tent has the worst vibes. Not a single color LED strip. I do love this tan vest, though, all these pockets. Total normcore, it’s a look.”
Frustrated sources confirmed Palmer’s presence.
“It’s a tragic situation and it’s dangerous what we’re doing out here, which is why I try to avoid that kid at all costs,” shared veteran Reuters reporter Marianne Kalvin, smoking a cigarette in between filing her stories over an encrypted network. “Palmer nearly gave away our location last night blasting Olivia Rodrigo at 2 a.m. This morning I woke up to him re-watching ‘Wednesday.’ It’s ridiculous. He has got to turn off those ‘beauty mode’ filters when filming himself live on the ground. And he uses way too many emojis in his articles. That shit might fly at Tiger Beat, Buzzfeed, or The AP, but not Reuters, damn it.”
Accepting the criticism, grizzled Tiger Beat editor-in-chief R. Roger Remnickson stood by his decision.
“Tiger Beat has always been synonymous with impeccable journalism. Occasionally, this means pivoting from teen culture to warzones. Those Pulitzers aren’t going to win themselves,” shared Remnickson while microwaving leftovers in his shared office. “We’re spread pretty thin here. All my regular K-Pop writers are still in Ukraine, while reporters usually on the Ariana Grande beat are stuck covering the GOP debates. We just can’t keep up.”
Tiger Beat confirmed that Palmer’s next assignment will be going deep undercover to report on negotiations with the Sinaloa cartel.
Riot Grrrl. A classic genre so distinct that the name itself leaves little need for definition. These days, the artists who once paved the way have inspired a new generation of grungy, femme-punk rock stars who have been pioneering the indie rock scene. In many ways, Riot Grrrl is as much as a feeling as it is a sound. So here are 50 contemporary riot grrl tracks that will make you want to smash your ex’s windshield and send the pictures to their fucking mom. Listen along while you read the list.
Mannequin Pussy “Control”
The queens of the modern day femme punk movement themselves, naturally Mannequin Pussy is at the start of this list. A song about imploring yourself that you’re in control even when you’re not, this track will really imbue the rage hidden deep within you. “Something’s in your eyes” Yeah, it’s the shards of glass and steel as you take that baseball bat to your ex’s Honda.
The Courtneys “90210”
Chanting, beautiful waterfront imagery and angst, all the trappings of a perfect riotgrrl tune. Employ this banger as a self care ritual and you will suddenly be feeling like the thought of committing criminal mischief may be truly healing.
Nanami Ozone “Desire”
Desire can mean many things. Love, lust, taking a fucking handaxe to every smashable thing your ex owns and holds dear. In this case, desire will induce feelings of violence and rage.
Dude York “Love Is”
A true anthem. Love is amazing. Love is horrible. Love is…complicated. A song about toxic love, “Love Is” will fuel your toxic lust for violence.
Guerilla Toss “Betty Dreams of Green Men”
Invoking the spirit of the classic Riotgrrls of yore, Guerilla Toss’ “Betty Dreams of Green Men” is a chaotic disarray of vibes. This is the sort of tune that will jumble your brain so badly you’ll be madly digging through the pantry for that hatchet you bought from Home Depot “in case of emergency.”
Wednesday “Bull Believer”
A dark and brooding song by the current sweethearts of the indie world, Bull Believer devolves into a turbulent mess of distorted wrath. With heavy, head banging hypnotics, by the third chant of Street Fighter’s “Finish Him,” you’ll start feeling the rage of Chun-Li herself with no game over in sight.
Retirement Party “Passion Fruit Tea”
We drank the tea that fills you existential dread and everyone knew you there. A “woe is me” anthem complete with the perfect breakdown that will make you want to warm up your body by smashing a few bottles before moving in for the coup de grace.
Niis “Slaughter”
This song is, by no over-exaggeration, a fucking ragefest that will fuel the fury of a thousand suns.
The Beths “Uptown Girl”
A breakup anthem of the century and at its core, a drinking song. This is the kind of tune that will have you calling his phone and slurring all your 4-letter words. You’ll be wanting to do a few shots to this one before turning the rest of that bottle of whiskey into a Molotov cocktail.
Slow Pulp “Cramps”
“Cramps” is one of those rare songs that perfectly captures the misery of having ovaries in true riot grrrl fashion. And of course, as we know, few things make you want to smash the things of those who’ve hurt you than rotting away in bed with a terrible bout of cramps.
Pretty Sick “Allen Street”
This droning, grungy tune touts the advice, “nothing’s gonna last forever.” And honestly? Cars don’t either. So you’re really just getting ahead of the curve. He’ll thank you later when he’s groveling at your feet for forgiveness.
Insignificant Other “heathers”
A song about spiraling into caffeine-fueled self-destruction, one must admit the thrill of the beautiful chaos an extra large cold brew can diffuse. “heathers” will encourage you to play drinking games with macchiatos. And who knows how many it’d take for those espresso shakes to produce some breathtaking baroque designs using a key and that once beloved passenger side door as your medium.
Taco Cat “I Hate the Weekend”
Schedule your week right and he’ll be repeating the title of this song while he cries to his mommy on the phone Monday morning. After discovering the carnage on his way to work, he’ll need all the help he can get explaining why he’s late to his boss.
Bleached “For the Feel”
If it’s not for anything else at all, destroying your ex’s most expensive and prized possession is all about the feel after all, isn’t it? Yeah, you did it for the feel. The police report will love that.
Gustaf “Best Behavior”
Everyone’s always pressuring everyone to be noble. Be the bigger person. Be on your best fucking behavior. But this song begs the question after all you’ve been through, “Maybe fucking some shit up is your best behavior?”
Great Grandpa “Teen Challenge”
Grungy, driving guitars that devolve into group vocals, “Teen Challenge” is the type of tune that’ll make you feel like all your friends are there cheering you on. And what’s friendship for if not to be there through the shattered glass fantasies because what good pal wouldn’t?
Sour Windows “Witness”
Drony, ambient, hypnotic. This one will really inspire you to listen to the devil on your shoulder. As you decide which direction your metaphorical blinker will go, you might as well end up just smashing in the headlights altogether.
Daddy Issues “In Your Head”
Let’s face it, a song whose first lyrics are “fuck you forever” will really make you lust after how you can achieve that sentiment in real-time. Daddy Issues will make you get out of your head and into the violent wilds of the night.
Suzy Shin “Junk Food”
The singular release from artist Suzy Shin, this is a track guaranteed to fuel your creativity. Go to the 711 and go fucking wild. A 2-liter bottle of Coke? Ice cream? I mean what would feel better than dousing that fucker in a gas station slushy?
Gobbinjr “bb gurl”
Perhaps the most adorably subdued on the list, “bbgirl” by Gobbinjr invokes the true spirit of riot grrrl. A simply cathartic listen, this would really accent the feeling of destroying expensive property in a fairy tale sort of way.
WOODSIDE, Calif. — A confused and disoriented President Joe Biden made a stirring declaration to Chinese Premier Xi Jinping insisting he tear down the Great Wall of China, multiple onlookers confirmed.
“If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity, and if you seek to to unite to unite against the Soviet Union once and for all then you must go to the countryside. President Xi, tear down that wall,” said Biden to a small smattering of applause and stifled laughter. “And let me tell you what else Jack. I think all the meals at Chinese food restaurants should be numbered so I just have to say the number. Some of those dishes are hard to pronounce. I sit there stumbling over the words and I feel like a real turkey. Just let me order by number, or at least point at a big photo of the food.”
A spokesperson for President Xi responded to the unusual request.
“With all due respect to President Biden, Russia is a key player in global affairs in a much different way than it was thirty years ago. In our ongoing commitment to global peace and prosperity we believe that it is important not to alienate large countries, like Russia, from the global system,” said the spokesperson. “In addition, the Great Wall is an integral part of Chinese history and an artifact that brings tourists from around the world, including many Americans. We aren’t really sure why anyone would want it torn down, it’s just kind of sitting there doing it’s own thing. You should come visit sometime. It’s very nice.”
Historian of presidential foreign affairs, John Deacon, likened this to the infamous January 1992 incident where President George H.W. Bush vomited on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa’s lap.
“While it’s not nearly as gross, it definitely undermines the strength that the US wants to convey in the face of a growing power like China,” Deacon said. “And the Chinese food thing… I mean, look, I get it. I have a tough time ordering sometimes too. You get in your own head, like are you pronouncing this right? Does the waiter even know what I’m talking about? What if I accidentally order the wrong thing? I don’t know Mandarin. But you keep those things to yourself and you eat whatever you ended up ordering and you don’t complain. Or you order something easy like orange chicken with a side of rice. It’s not that difficult.”
At press time, Biden proudly announced he had secured more funding for a barbaric border wall on the Southern border.
