DIAMOND BAR, Calif. — Snoop Dogg rescinded a statement he released on social media Thursday announcing he’d give up smoking and admitted the post did not accurately reflect his relationship with cannabis clarifying he “was high when he said that.”
“Man, don’t trust a word I say when I’m blazing that good shit,” stated Snoop Dogg with bloodshot eyes. “We’ve all been there. You get way too fucking high and the world starts spinning. You just want it to end but it doesn’t. So you FaceTime your publicist, tell them to draw up a melodramatic black-and-white graphic claiming you’re giving up smoking, and push it out to the masses — despite your entire brand and public persona being built around it. It’s something we’ve all done. Fuck, I might do it again.”
Fans of the hip-hop artist jumped to express their relief that their hero’s fall from grace was merely a false alarm.
“Thank God, bro. Weed is my entire personality,” said 29-year-old Snoop Dogg fan, Dylan Cambell. “My bedroom is covered in velvet blacklight posters and this drug rug is the only shirt I own. If the man who became famous for being a 6’4” walking blunt decided to give it up, what does that make me? Would I have to give it up? I have nothing without my kush.”
Fans aren’t the only ones ecstatic about the news. Local grower and personal weed dealer for Snoop Dogg was relieved to hear it was a false alarm.
“Thursday was the most stressful day of my life. I thought I was out of a job. I thought I was going to have to sell a few of my cars, maybe start renting out the pool house for some extra cash,” stated dispensary owner, Josh Hernandez. “I started this weed business and landed Snoop Dogg as my singular client. Mr. Dogg is personally responsible for sending my kids through college. We are talking Ivy League, and my kids are not exceptional, so I’m paying full price. I’m glad he’s come to his senses.”
At press time, Snoop Dogg made a new statement announcing he’d be giving up edibles after eating an entire tray of Martha Stewart’s brownies.