WOODSIDE, Calif. — A confused and disoriented President Joe Biden made a stirring declaration to Chinese Premier Xi Jinping insisting he tear down the Great Wall of China, multiple onlookers confirmed.
“If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity, and if you seek to to unite to unite against the Soviet Union once and for all then you must go to the countryside. President Xi, tear down that wall,” said Biden to a small smattering of applause and stifled laughter. “And let me tell you what else Jack. I think all the meals at Chinese food restaurants should be numbered so I just have to say the number. Some of those dishes are hard to pronounce. I sit there stumbling over the words and I feel like a real turkey. Just let me order by number, or at least point at a big photo of the food.”
A spokesperson for President Xi responded to the unusual request.
“With all due respect to President Biden, Russia is a key player in global affairs in a much different way than it was thirty years ago. In our ongoing commitment to global peace and prosperity we believe that it is important not to alienate large countries, like Russia, from the global system,” said the spokesperson. “In addition, the Great Wall is an integral part of Chinese history and an artifact that brings tourists from around the world, including many Americans. We aren’t really sure why anyone would want it torn down, it’s just kind of sitting there doing it’s own thing. You should come visit sometime. It’s very nice.”
Historian of presidential foreign affairs, John Deacon, likened this to the infamous January 1992 incident where President George H.W. Bush vomited on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa’s lap.
“While it’s not nearly as gross, it definitely undermines the strength that the US wants to convey in the face of a growing power like China,” Deacon said. “And the Chinese food thing… I mean, look, I get it. I have a tough time ordering sometimes too. You get in your own head, like are you pronouncing this right? Does the waiter even know what I’m talking about? What if I accidentally order the wrong thing? I don’t know Mandarin. But you keep those things to yourself and you eat whatever you ended up ordering and you don’t complain. Or you order something easy like orange chicken with a side of rice. It’s not that difficult.”
At press time, Biden proudly announced he had secured more funding for a barbaric border wall on the Southern border.