Every 3 Inches of Blood Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Steve Packosky

If you have been unfortunate enough to visit the YouTube comments of the video of any given metal band, you’re well aware of the ever-present arguments over which subgenre said band belongs in. Well, a couple decades ago, a certain ragtag group of gentlemen from Vancouver addressed these questions with a resounding “WHO GIVES A SHIT? SERIOUSLY, WHO THE FUCK CARES?” If you were so inclined, you’d be able to find evidence for 3 Inches of Blood being power metal, NWOBHM-worship, thrash, melodic death metal, or any number of other compartments your eager little Cheeto-stained fingers desperately want to type into the keyboard. Or, they argue, you can just shut up and headbang. We at the Hard Times are quarrelsome internet chuds by our nature, and while it’s difficult to resist the call of our true selves, we’re going to opt for the latter here. Let’s rage!

5. Battlecry Under a Wintersun (2002)

A promising debut that doesn’t deliver so much as it hints at the fantastic devilry to come, “Battlecry Under a Wintersun” is plagued by some rough production (particularly on Jamie Hooper’s high screams,) and some questionable songwriting choices. We’re glad the band decided to largely abandon clean vocals after this. With that being said, there’s a lot to enjoy here. “Curse of the Lighthouse Keeper” is catchy as all git out, and “Conquerors of the Northern Sphere” starts out with a killer thrash riff that hearkens back to James Hetfield’s super-precise rhythm work (before Metallica became the exemplars of shitsucking we now know and love them to be.) Toss this on at the end of your D&D playlist, after you and your little nerd buddies have had your fill of old Emperor and Satyricon tunes.

Play it again: “Balls of Ice”
Skip it: “Sunrise Over the Fjords”

4. Here Waits Thy Doom (2009)

Alright, now we’re talking! Eschewing much of the gritty attitude present in their early releases (largely due to Jamie Hooper’s departure,) for a bit more of an NWOBHM approach, 2009’s “Here Waits Thy Doom” doesn’t skimp on the metal by any stretch of the imagination. Just listen to that thrashy outro to “Battles and Brotherhood” and try not to start a circle pit in Tim Horton’s (that’s where we presume all Canadians are physically located at any given time.) Guitarist Justin Hagberg fills in on the harsh vocals nicely, reminding us of Jeff Walker in the post-reunion Carcass releases. Overall, this is a fantastic album, and its position at Number 4 should only serve as an indication of how sick the rest of their discography is. Play it loud!

Play it again: “Call of the Hammer”
Skip it: “Preacher’s Daughter” (it starts off with a catchy riff but it ends up getting kind of boring)

Honorable Mention: “Anthems for the Victorious” EP (2011)

Two songs of crunchy, catchy riffs and album art that’s like a cuddlier version of Bolt Thrower’s “War Master.” What more could a metalhead ask for?

3. Long Live Heavy Metal (2012)

It’s fitting that the title of this album is such an obvious nod to Rainbow, because we can detect Ritchie Blackmore’s stank all over this bad boy. “Chief and the Blade” reminds us of “Temple of the King” off the first Rainbow album, and “Look Out” has some serious “Kill the King” vibes (there are probably a lot more similarities, but we’ve headbanged ourselves stupid revisiting these albums.) Vocalist Cam Pipes (yes, that’s his real name) employs more of a King Diamond falsetto here over his more biting rasp from prior releases, which fits given the more classic feel of the album. On the whole, this is the most varied album in the band’s catalog, and is certainly worthy of endless replays. Fun fact: if you’re not wearing a leather jacket while listening to this, one will materialize on your torso before it ends.

Play it again: “4000 Torches”
Skip it: “My Sword Will Not Sleep”

2. Advance and Vanquish (2004)

One listen to that opening riff of “Deadly Sinners” and you’ll know why that’s such a fan favorite (and provides the perfect accompaniment to a Rune Glifberg Christ Air in “Tony Hawk’s Underground 2.”) This album fucking rips, due in equal parts to the superior songwriting and FAR superior production of the debut. Cam Pipes and Jamie Hooper complement each other perfectly, providing a torrent of devastation as they sing about God knows what (just look at those song titles,) over the twin guitar assault of Sunny Dhak and Bobby Froese. Use this to drown out the Bryan Adams emanating from the house of your Canadian neighbors, and they’ll soon be headbanging with you while you collectively wonder what the fuck a “Wykydtron” is.

Play it again: All of it
KILL it: The orcs! Slay the orcs! Destroy the orcs!

1. Fire up the Blades (2007)

Holy shit, this is good. With their third album, the band took everything killer about their second and improved upon it, with maybe a bit more influence from the extreme metal realm largely due to drummer Alexei Rodriguez. Just listen to “God of the Cold White Silence” and try not to lose your goddamn mind. Overall, what sticks out most to us in this album are the riffs, which abound throughout the entire thing, and hit their peak levels of catchiness in songs like “Trial of Champions,” “Assassins of the Light,” and “The Hydra’s Teeth.” This is a must-have for even the most casual fans of metal, and if you haven’t crushed an entire case of Moosehead by the time you reach its end, may you be cut down by a demon’s blade!

Play it again: Yep
Skip it: You should’ve skipped this fucking article and listened to the album instead. What were you thinking?

Man Debating Whether Next Short-Lived Obsession Will Be Cycling, Cast Iron or Pickling

Posted on by Tim Graham

BENNINGTON, Vt. — Local bartender Jerome Skinner is nearing a final decision on what subject he will become temporarily engrossed with next, according to sources who are sick of hearing about it.

“I’ve narrowed it down to just a few options,” said Skinner while manically adding cycling accessories to his Amazon cart. “My next hobby will probably be biking, but I’m also considering getting way into cast iron cookware for a while, or learning to make my own pickles and kimchi. Whatever I decide to focus on next, trust me, this one’s going to stick. I know I’ve had some brief, costly obsessions in the past, but this time it will be different. If I’m going to sink all of my disposable income, mental energy and spare time into something again, it’s definitely going to last, except for the times I tried woodworking, photography, and ultra marathon running.”

Skinner’s wife says their apartment is already crowded with implements from his previous fleeting interests.

“The hall closet is completely jammed with skateboards, helmets and knee pads from when Jerome got super into skating for like two months,” said Gayle Skinner while deftly sidestepping a stack of books on homebrewing. “On our first date, I was impressed with how passionate Jerome was about baking—it was all he talked about. Little did I know that was only one of dozens of hobbies he’s cycled through. He hasn’t broken out the Kitchenaid mixer in years. I just pray his next hobby is something that doesn’t take up a lot of room, like bonsai trees or building ships in bottles.”

Psychologist Bentley Cross says certain people are susceptible to becoming addicted to the excitement of a new hobby.

“It sounds like Mr. Skinner tends to get more of a thrill from the fantasy of a hobby rather than the hobby itself,” said Cross. “He enjoys the rush of researching, buying equipment and daydreaming about a whole new lifestyle surrounding the hobby du jour. But most people that ‘chase the dragon’ in this manner end up burning out and losing interest once any actual effort or dedication is required of them. I myself am no stranger to the siren’s call of a new passion. I became preoccupied with taxidermy for a time but unfortunately it didn’t last. Now my garage is full of moldering pelts and glass eyes.”

At press time, Skinner had been observed carrying several large aquariums into his apartment after deciding that fishkeeping would be his next endeavor.

Cool! These Weed Gummies Are Legal Everywhere Because They Don’t Work

Posted on by Travis Tack

“GrooveChews” are the popular new THC-gummy that’s available in all 50 states – even the ones where marijuana is illegal. How’s it possible? Simple: They do not work.

It used to be if wanted to buy marijuana that doesn’t work, you’d have to find a shady guy in a public park, but thanks to “GooveChews”, that’s no longer the case. That’s right – no matter where you are, you too can order marijuana edibles (kind of).

After seeing the ads every day on social media for a year, I was curious. I don’t actually like doing marijuana, but that doesn’t mean I want to miss out on the trends.

I was worried these gummies might make me feel paranoid or start liking jam bands, but thankfully none of that happened. With these gummies, I couldn’t even feel the sugar!

And the best part is, even though you won’t get high, they’ll still cause you to fail a drug test. But don’t take my word for it – just ask my friend Steve (during visiting hours, of course.)

Because they don’t really do anything, these gummies are perfect for eating whenever or wherever you feel like. But I wouldn’t take them before driving because they contain a lot of alcohol sugars and may cause diarrhea.

Sounds too good to be true, right?

I caught up with ‘GrooveChews’ founder Eli Wertzel to ask him how it’s possible.

“Our products use only the highest quality ingredients and the worst quality marijuana,” Mister Wertzel said proudly. “Thanks to the 2018 Farm Bill, it’s now legal to sell weed with almost 0% THC to simple people all over the country. And we guarantee our product’s ineffectiveness by sending GrooveChews to third-party labs where they’re regularly tested on disappointed stoners. As a result, you’ll never believe all the places they’re available, or how little they do.”

And Wertzel says sales have been great, especially since GrooveChews started retailing in stores. We talked with GNC franchise owner Michael Diaz, who says the product is incredibly popular with his customers.

“When the creators of these gummies told me they didn’t actually do anything, that’s when I knew they belonged in GNC,” Diaz explained. “And the best part is, since the gummies don’t have any psychotropic effect, that means they’re perfect for Scientologists like me. Because these gummies aren’t drugs, in fact, they’re barely even food. I recommend mixing them with echinacea and fenugreek, if you really want to not feel anything.”

“Time After Time” Being Played on Supermarket Speakers Provides Man With First Emotional Feeling in Over a Decade

Posted on by Trevor Graham

INDIANAPOLIS — Cyndi Lauper’s 1983 hit song “Time After Time” being played in a Trader Joe’s supermarket caused a man to have an actual emotional reaction for the first time in over ten years, sources who say if you’re lost you can look and you will find them confirmed.

“So there I was browsing the frozen aisle looking for a microwavable pizza for one like always when suddenly I hear Cyndi Lauper’s tragic yet somehow hopeful masterpiece ‘Time After Time’ being played and I actually felt… a feeling,” said Chris Faban. “Something about the bittersweet melody and the heartbreaking lyrics broke through a decade’s long fog of blank numbness I’ve had and made me experience what I remember as an ‘emotion.’ For a few minutes there I almost felt like a kid again with hopes and dreams and not just an adult empty husk devoid of a soul. Unfortunately, it all went away the second the song ended.”

Other shoppers in the store say they noticed Faban and were confused by his quiet moment of self-reflection in the aisle.

“I saw this guy standing there with the freezer door open and he just seemed to be lost in thought. I wasn’t sure if this was like some kind of low-effort TikTok prank or what but then I realized the tears forming in his eyes were because of the song playing over the P.A.,” said fellow Trader Joe’s customer Jennifer Stillar. “I thought it all seemed a bit too dramatic but then the song ended and ‘Come Sail Away’ started playing and suddenly I felt a heaviness in my chest as I also fantasized about being taken away from… all of this by a group of angels. Or was it aliens? The lyrics get kinda weird toward the end.”

Trader Joe’s marketing manager Liz Collins says the nostalgic soundtrack played in their stores and the reaction it has on its shoppers is no accident.

“Research shows that when aging Millennials and Gen-Xers hear emotionally charged songs from their childhood they are more likely to buy comfort foods and overpriced sugary snacks,” said Collins. “Since we implemented this sad yet also triumphant playlist in our locations, sales of frozen chocolate bonbons have increased 72% and we can’t even keep the pumpkin streusel muffins stocked on the shelf anymore due to demand because of these sad aging saps.”

At press time, employees of the local Trader Joe’s location reported every shopper in the store stopped dead in their tracks once “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded House started playing.

Former Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Appears in Court Shirtless for Sex Trafficking Charges

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – Distractions abounded in federal court after longtime former Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Mike Jefferies appeared before a judge oiled up and shirtless in a pair of jeans during arraignment on sex trafficking charges, court reporters have confirmed.

“I’ve seen some brazenly dumb stunts unfold before a judge but this takes the cake. I’m assuming he believed the judge would be impressed by his naked torso and overpriced jeans as if this were a mall in 2003, however it’s not the look you want to present when you’re being accused of tricking young men into prostitution,” said Michael Schwartz. “It also didn’t help that the cologne Mr. Jefferies was flirting with the stenographer, and he was nearly found in contempt because he kept oiling up his nipples. I wouldn’t want to be the Marshall who has to extradite him to New York City tomorrow.”

Jefferies’ attorney denied any wrongdoing by his client.

“While we are taking these allegations very seriously, there’s been a huge misunderstanding. The fact that my client looks and acts like a high school bully who’s never been held accountable and openly won’t wear shirts in public doesn’t mean he is using that lifestyle to coerce young men into interstate sex rings in exchange for modeling contracts. I’m sure you can see how the two are conflated,” said Frank Laggio. “I told the judge Mr. Jefferies’ shirtless look was him merely living the A&F values, which in hindsight probably didn’t help and is why the bail was set to $10 million. Maybe I should’ve at least given him my tie.”

Anti-sex trafficking advocates pointed out that Jefferies’ charges were not surprising.

“Jefferies appearing sans shirt, even in federal court, is proof enough that these executives are brazenly depraved. Have you ever been in an Abercrombie, Zara, or Hollister where you didn’t feel like you were about to be groped?” said Ally Williams. “This is a great day for justice and for exposing the dangerous world of douchebag clothing chains. One day you think you’re going to be modeling in front of a clothing store across from Auntie Anne’s, the next you’re tricked into giving a lap dance to some asshole hedge fund manager. I just hope the people he hurt can finally get a sense of peace.”

As of press time, court recessed for the day after Jefferies doused himself in Abercrombie’s signature “Fierce” fragrance, causing a mass evacuation of the courthouse.

Every Immortal Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Immortal has no bad albums and in many ways they are the total package. They’ve been around long enough to have real cred. They’re from the Norwegian Black Metal scene, but they somehow avoided all the messed up shit from that world. Their imagery is cool. Their sound is familiar but unique. Abbath’s “evil Popeye” vocals are iconic. And the vast majority of their songs take place in a fantasy realm called Blashyrkh. What’s not to love? So slap on some leather and corpse paint, and join us on this journey. Or as the band (probably) says, “Hi, we’re Immortal. This is a ranking of our albums by the award-winning satire site, The Hard Times. Very Cool!” Classic Immortal.

10. All Shall Fall (2009)

You know that guy at your job that sucks, and nobody is nice to him, probably because he sucks, but because nobody is nice to him, he sucks more? That’s this album. It’s not great, but there’s plenty to like. And we definitely get the feeling that people think it sucks because other people say it sucks. Because guess what? It doesn’t suck. It’s not anywhere near their best, but after giving a few re-listens, we gotta say there are some real bangers on this. Its biggest flaw is that it followed “Sons of Northern Darkness”. And as anyone who has tried to read anything else after reading a Hard Times article can attest: it’s hard to follow genius.

Play it again: “Hordes to War”
Skip it: “Unearthly Kingdom” feels like a worse version of a much better song we’ve heard on several of their other albums

9. Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism (1992)

Look, there’s always gonna be controversial takes in album rankings. We know most folks were probably assuming a different album would be in this spot, but sorry friends: “Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism” gets the second-fewest re-listens over at HTHQ. It’s cool to see where a band started and the early ’90s trve kvlt black metal production is fun, but it’s just not an album we come back to that much. When you hear songs from this album on their live material it makes it even more clear: this album had a time and a place, but Immortal is best when they are loud and don’t sound like they are being recorded at the end of a very long hallway, over FaceTime.

Play it again: “Unholy Forces of Evil” and “The Call of the Wintermoon”
Skip it: “Intro” and “A Perfect Vision of the Rising Northland”

8. Northern Chaos Gods (2018)

Honestly we can’t believe an album without Abbath works this well. But this album is great. We’re sad our Norwegian Black Metal Parents, Demonaz and Abbath couldn’t work out their differences, but it turns out, staying at dad’s place is pretty rad. Yeah, mom has put out three solid albums on her own, but we always knew she’d be ok. It was dad we were always worried about. I mean he literally hadn’t ever done vocals for Immortal before. Not to mention he hadn’t done anything in the band besides write lyrics since “Blizzard Beasts.” But “Northern Chaos Gods” proves we don’t need to worry about him, because dad is gonna be ok. And just because they’re your parents, doesn’t mean you don’t worry about them.

Play it again: “Into Battle Ride” and “Northern Chaos Gods”
Skip it: there is absolutely no reason for “Mighty Ravendark” to be 9 minutes long

7. Battles of the North (1995)

More like “Battles of Trying to Not Rip Our Skin-Tight Pants While Squatting” am I right?!?!? For real though, the squats are impressive. Low squats, in the snow, is bold move. And they are in either leather or jeans. And as previously mentioned, that shit is tight. This was ’95. The stretchy jean fabric that Old Navy uses now was definitely not around yet. I suppose they are leaning on their guitars. So they have support. But still, all I can think about is their knees. Anyways, pretty good album.

Play it again: “At the Stormy Gates of Mist”
Skip it: “Blashyrkh (Mighty Ravendark)”

6. Blizzard Beasts (1997)

This album sounds like absolute shit. Which probably seems counterintuitive to its ranked number. Especially considering “Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism” is as low as it is due in no small part to the production. But something about this sounds right. I don’t know. It’s Dunkin. It’s garbage. But goddamn, we love it. And those pumpkin donuts? Get the fuck outta here. We’re all in. And the fact that this album clocks in under an half hour doesn’t hurt. It’s loud, fuzzy,
and cold and over quicker than an episode of “Only Murders in the Building.” What’s not to love?

Play it again: “Nebular Ravens Winter” and “Blizzard Beasts”
Skip it: “Mountains of Might” is almost 7 minutes long throws the whole vibe of the album off

5. War Against All (2023)

If “Northern Chaos Gods” is Immortal’s “we think dad we’ll be ok after the divorce” album, “War Against All” is dad thriving in his bachelor pad. This album has no business being as solid as it is. It still takes a few to get used to Demonaz’s vocals, but effing A, the jams are solid on this album. It’s honestly what we want in an Immortal album. Not to mention “Nordlandihr” is a 7 minute instrumental track that… works? So confusing. The only really downside to this album is it makes us wish that Abbath and Demonaz could work it out. Two guitars? Both doing vocals? Tell me that album isn’t on everyone’s top 5 the year it comes out. Tell me. I dare you. You can’t. And you shan’t. And you won’t. So don’t.

Play it again: “No sun” and “Thunders of Darkness”
Skip it: “Wargod”

4. Pure Holocaust (1993)

Imagine being a Norwegian Black Metal band, not being one of the racist ones, and then deciding to name your album: “Pure Holocaust.” Fucking yikes. The title is using the word in its common noun form, which basically means devastation. And “Pure Devastation” absolutely fits for this album. It’s fast and intense and loud. It’s miles better than their debut, which nailed the vibe, but lacked the songwriting, technical skill and production this album excels on. While it’s in their top 5, we’re not as taken by the this as some folks are. But it’s still a killer album in a discography of killer albums. It’s just rough when someone asks what album you’re playing and you gotta explain that “Pure Holocaust” somehow isn’t actually as offensive as it sounds.

Play it again: “Frozen by Icewinds” and “The Sun No Longer Rises”
Skip it: “As Eternity Opens”

3. Damned in Black (2000)

This catches a lot of shit for no good reason. People complain about it being unexceptional, but that’s only because it’s sandwiched by the band’s two best albums. It’s not a super wild take to think that the ’99-’02 era of Immortal is the best era. But way too many people ignore this album. Like any good second part in a trilogy, it is given the most free rein to go bananas. It’s so… metal. Like, METAL metal. No hyphenates. I mean all the hyphenates are there, but there are elements of power metal, and thrash and stuff. Look, you get what we’re saying. Its a great album that gets overlooked but shouldn’t be. Give it a re-listen.

Play it again: “Wrath from Above” and “Damned in Black”
Skip it: no skips

2. At the Heart of Winter (1999)

This album was the sea change for Immortal. When it was released, it was the longest Immortal album and also had the shortest tracklist. It’s also the first album to not feature the band on the cover. It’s also arguably the album where the band began to be taken seriously by the metal community as a whole. This album is the metal equivalent of going on a makeover show and having it actually really work. But not some bullshit makeover where you don’t look anything like yourself. One of those shows where they point out what really works about the style you already have. Because reality is: you’re hot. You just needed a someone else to help see how hot you are. But now that you know, you’re definitely gonna hook up with coworker who always flirts with you.

Play it again: The album works best as a complete piece, butthe opening riff and chord changes of “Solarfall” should be on repeat
Skip it: no skips

1. Sons of Northern Darkness (2002)

Not only is this album the band’s best album, it’s an all-time metal album. Every part of it. The songwriting, the riffs, the lyrics, the cover art. It is a classic in every way. It also encapsulates what is so appealing about Immortal. It’s got the feel, aesthetic and background of black metal, but the lyrics are like weird sort of fantasy lyrics. It’s also thrashy. And you can’t shake the fact that it all feels a little silly. But in a way that the band is in on. They take that corpsepaint shit seriously. But also they kinda seem like they wanna party. That’s a good mix. That’s like getting a Friendly’s grilled cheese AND a Cone Head. And if you don’t like Friendly’s, you can go fuck yourself. Immortal says so.

Play it again: front to back.
Skip it: no skips. How dare you even ask!??

Dead Punk’s Will Mostly Just Giving Friends Back the Stuff He Stole From Them

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BALTIMORE — Recently deceased punk Cary Lowery’s will primarily consisted of returning the stolen property he took from his closest friends over the years, confirmed sources who were wondering where their beloved possessions went.

“[Lowery] was notorious for both his contributions to the punk scene and his habit of sort-of borrowing things without returning them,” said friend and mourner Valerie Shelton after she was willed her own turntable. “I just figured he pawned it. But nah, turns he actually kept it the whole time. Just goes to show you that you don’t really know people as well as you might think. I also got back a pack of cigarettes he took from me last week, though it was empty.”

Public defender Angelia Campos, who represented Lowery’s various criminal cases over the years, turned out to be the executor of his estate, much to her own surprise.

“According to Lowery’s will, the distribution of his estate is simple: a pile of borrowed goods and lifted items, each tagged with a note of apology or, in some cases, a vague description of when he ‘acquired’ them,” Campos said. “It will be a bittersweet day for many of the people here because, while Lowery’s is gone — they are getting back their favorite leather jacket, records, and skateboards they long thought lost, or knew Lowery had but were too shy to ask for them back. We do have a whole pile of Zippos here and not sure whose is whose, so that’s going to be first come first serve.”

Experts see situations like this more than one might think.

“From a legal standpoint, it’s highly unusual but not unprecedented to see wills focused on the return of borrowed—or, in this case, stolen—items,” said estate law expert Julian Harris. “Technically, the deceased is redistributing their personal property, but when that property rightfully belongs to someone else, it creates a unique situation where the will serves more like a confession than an inheritance plan. It’s almost like he’s tying up the loose ends of his life… one stolen guitar at a time. Legal snags can occur however when the deceased uses the stolen item to give as a gift for someone else. I’ve seen cases drag on through the court for years over a single hoodie. ”

The will reading was immediately preceded by a luncheon catered by Compassion House Soup Kitchen and a performance by Lowery’s favorite local band Fuck You, I’m Glad You’re Dead.

I Don’t Care How Long We’re Trapped in This Supermarket Surrounded by Mist Monsters, I’m Not Listening to Your Band’s New Song

Posted on by Jonah Nink

It’s been days since we were first trapped inside this supermarket by the mist. Anyone who goes outside is doomed to be butchered by horrible alien monsters lurking inside the white haze. Supplies are running low, and people are starting to get paranoid. What I’m saying is no, I don’t want to listen to your band’s new song.

I didn’t want to listen before I saw a man get bisected by a vagina crab monster. What makes you think I want to now?

Shame on me for thinking it’s inappropriate for you to start playing your dumbass indie song after we watched that teenage ginger get dragged into the mist by a giant veiny, alien tentacle. Hot take, I know. Maybe if I had more respect for independent musicians, it wouldn’t have peeled the kid’s skin off like fruit roll-up.

That supply run out to the pharmacy would have gone flawlessly if we hadn’t been ambushed by those giant spiders. And what woke up the spiders? Was it the guy who started talking out loud about which reverb effects he used on his vocals? Or maybe the guy who put earbuds on the corpse stuck to the wall, which was obviously filled with baby spider monsters, to “make sure he can hear the cool bass riff in the interlude.” Wait, that was you! You did both of those things!

They say the mist monster rampage was the result of government boogeymen tampering with eldritch powers beyond their understanding. Not unlike how you’re tampering with these hands if I see you pull out fucking SoundCloud again.

Why were you in the supermarket to begin with? Oh, right. You work here.

Somehow, it’s the people inside who are scarier than the monsters outside. Take away only a few modern comforts and society collapses, good people go insane. You’ve said “big things coming” enough times now that everyone in the store believes you’re a prophet and are starting to form a cult around you. I bet it’s nice to have more than three followers for once.

I’ve had enough. I’m making a run for it with my son and these old people. I’m fully aware that the military is about an hour away from saving us, but I’m still going to kill them and myself because your new single sucks that much donkey dick.

Fugazi Cancels Highly Anticipated Reunion Tour Due to High Ticket Sales

Posted on by Bob Kerr

WASHINGTON — Legendary post-hardcore band Fugazi announced they would be canceling their reunion tour because interest in the shows has been too high, confirmed sources who wouldn’t have bought tickets in the first place if they thought it would offend them.

“We didn’t want this sort of acclaim when we formed this band,” said frontman Ian MacKaye. “Fugazi was never about selling out. And that includes tickets to our shows. We love our fans, but I didn’t get into this business to make money. It’s not our brand, and I hate the fact I just used the word ‘brand’ unironically. So when our manager told us that we were practically selling out every show, I pulled the plug. No fucking way am I going to make a profit from my art. That’s why our music is available on Spotify. We make almost nothing from those streams.”

Although the news left fans disheartened, some choose to look on the bright side.

“I was stoked to see the show and even had my ‘This is not a Fugazi t-shirt’ ready to go,” said hardcore fan Morley Tompkins. “But it’s a good call on their part. After all, what’s a Fugazi show if you can’t freely move your arms around without hitting someone. And waiting in line to use the bathroom? No Fugazi fan would stand for that. Personally, I think the band should have charged more for tickets to keep out the posers. I would have happily paid $7 to see them reunite. But then again, it wouldn’t be a Fugazi show if I paid more than five bucks to get in. So it’s virtually impossible to make it work.”

Small venue owners around the country felt like they were shafted by the band’s last-minute cancellation.

“It’s a damn shame when a semi-iconic band cancels shows,” said Grady Studebakker, owner of the Yuckies venue. “Like, it was going to be the largest group of people we would have had in here! My one bartender even made up a drink for the band called the ‘Fruit-Gassy.’ I mean, it’s just carbonated fruit punch, but it would have gone gangbusters with the straight edge crowd. Turns out, Fugazi is against any kind of merch, so that drink was one of the reasons they cancelled on us. It was merch-adjacent, I guess. That bartender was immediately fired.”

At press time, Eventbrite refunded all of the tickets, totaling $430.

Top 30 Goth Songs to Put on Your Halloween Playlist to Make It Look Like You Hang Out at Cemeteries

Posted on by Bobby Korec

At last, the Halloween season is upon us. People are firing up their Ouija boards, black cat adoptions are at their seasonal peak, and pretending to be goth while hanging out at cemeteries has briefly taken hold of human civilization.

But does your Halloween playlist reflect your desire to look like you spend time sitting upright against a stranger’s tombstone while reading Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley’s “Frankenstein” and wearing fishnets? If not, be sure to check out the top 30 goth songs to put on your spooky playlist to make your friends think your third place is a crypt. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. Suspiria “Allegedly, Dancefloor Tragedy” (1998)

If you’re not naming your band after a famous 1977 Italian supernatural horror movie directed by Dario Argento that was later remade in 2018 where Tilda Swinson plays a 75-year-old man and one of the actresses is literally named Mia Goth, can you even claim to sleep in an unused grave on the first and third Thursday of the month?

29. The Danse Society “Heaven Is Waiting” (1984)

Don’t be fooled by the “heaven” part, this song is best experienced while you are still alive, albeit while daydreaming about what death must be like. Maybe not the heaven part of post-life, but purgatory sounds dope. At least you get to be a ghost and haunt a house. That’s goth as hell.

28. Specimen “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” (1997)

Specimen was highly influential in goth culture. Adding them to your Halloween playlist will make people think you know how to get to the secret cemetery where they have the best headstones and the kinds of crows that perch on loose skulls for decorative effect.

27. She Past Away “Durdu Dünya” (2019)

A lot of what is considered modern goth is more on the darkwave and cold wave spectrum, despite often using macabre imagery. But hey, we’re not here to gatekeep. We’re here to use all of these genres to our anthropologic advantage and strictly score social points during the Halloween season.

26. Red Lorry Yellow Lorry “Head on Fire” (1979)

The Lorries often denied their inclusion in the goth genre. But if that was the case, why is the local graveyard always playing “Head on Fire” over their PA? And why does a cemetery have a sound system to begin with? Some things just fit.

25. Bat Nouveau “Funeral Eyes” (2015)

Gothy band name? Check. Gothy song title? Hell yes. Capable of tricking the guests at your party that you frequently Google “cemeteries near me” on a gloomy Sunday afternoon? Without a doubt.

24. Mephisto Walz “Dear Familiar Phantoms” (1994)

In the future, we’re all going to be composting dead bodies, which will make cemeteries obsolete. In that case, listen to Mephisto Walz and spend all your free time at the gravesite of your choosing while you still can. Or at least pretend to.

23. Paralysed Age “Bloodsucker” (2009)

There’s just something about the sound of the drums and the overall spooked-up feel of this track that makes you want to dig up a corpse just to see if they decompose the way you pictured them to. Damn it, goth bands. Stop compelling us to unearth dead bodies on our day off.

22. Killing Joke “Love Like Blood” (1985)

If you’re going to write goth music you have to have badass song titles such as “Love Like Blood.” Sure, on the surface it doesn’t mean anything, but neither does “All I Want For Christmas Is You” and that one doesn’t even make sense in a graveyard.

21. Light Asylum “Dark Allies” (2011)

The opening of this track is actually perfect as your alarm sound for when you want to fantasize about waking up early in the unused tomb you slept in last night. Even goths have to go to work in the morning.

20. Corpus Delicti “Twilight” (1993)

If this song doesn’t inspire you to hang out at a mausoleum, it will surely make you want to socialize with your other goth friends at the food court at your local mall and talk about Corpus Delicti. Mall goths gradually blossom into graveyard goths. Gothdom is never just a phase.

19. She Wants Revenge “Tear You Apart” (2005)

You might remember this band if you were sentient in the 2000s. You might actually remember this track forever if you’re ever turned into a vampire, which would be sweet because you would be condemned to listen to goth music for eternity. Hell yeah.

18. Christian Death “Burnt Offerings” (1982)

As the official theme song for bats, you can’t get much more cemetery-friendly than Christian Death. The Jane Goodall of bats actually uses this song to attract them so she can study their goth-like qualities.

17. London After Midnight “Spider and the Fly” (2005)

Pretending to hang out at graveyards is what the Halloween season is all about. It’s also about putting bands like London After Midnight on your Halloween playlist to impress that one guy dressed up as Edward Scissorhands at your costume party.

16. The March Violets “Snake Dance” (1993)

For a genre that’s all about giving you the creeps, many of the songs are quite dancey. You could easily host a dance party at your local necropolis and no one would bat an eye. Except for the normies, but they’re going to do that anyway.

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