Black Metal Band Maintains Their Dark Atmosphere While Playing Sparsely Populated Bowling Alley

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CAMILLUS, N.Y. — Local black metal band Bügnorkvlt shrouded a crowd with their evil, mystifying atmosphere, despite playing at a barely attended bowling alley, corpse-painted sources report.

“Being one of the only seven people there to watch them play their set, I must say I was impressed at how well they pulled it off,” show attendee Jill Crossgrove explained. “I felt like I was fully immersed in the cold, dark atmosphere they were presenting despite the fact there was a child’s birthday party happening in the lanes directly next to me. The kids didn’t seem to enjoy the fog machine or amateur pyrotechnics. The father of one of the children even complained about missing a 7-10 split because of the band. There’s just no way that was the reason.”

Bügnorkvlt’s bass player and founding member Todd “Goathammer” Snee admits he was a bit reluctant going into the gig.

“I didn’t think we had enough to convey the overwhelming dread we were going for, but I think we easily achieved total dominance over all that is light through our 20-minute set,” Snee said. “We weren’t allowed to wear our usual combat boots on the floor, so we had to rent shoes there. But the fact half the lights were already dimmed or out completely, plus how cool it looked with our hair blowing around from the hand driers, we pulled it off quite nicely, I attest.”

Owner of Pinnsbury Lanes, Randy Martinez, revealed that most bands actually do quite well there.

“Some might say having your band play at a bowling alley is ‘uncool’ or ‘embarrassing’ or ‘lacks integrity’ or whatever. But if you remove the bumpers and tune out the sound of the bowling balls rolling down the lane and striking the pins, it’s just like a real music venue,” Martinez explained. “Some of the best sets I’ve ever seen were played right here underneath the Coors Light ‘Beerwolf’ overhead lights. I still keep the bowling pin GG Allin tried shoving up his ass when he played here in the early ‘90s behind a glass case. Lotta great memories made here!”

At press time, Bügnorkvlt embarked on their three-date weekend “tour” consisting of bringing black metal to local arcades and Chuck-E-Cheese establishments within a 25-mile radius.

Trump Pays Tribute to David Lynch with 80-Minute Speech About How Deeply He Identifies with Frank Booth from “Blue Velvet”

Posted on by Jason Clemence

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump recently paid his respects to filmmaker David Lynch with a drawn out speech primarily focusing on his deep admiration of “Blue Velvet” antagonist Frank Booth, confirmed sources who sort of already suspected this was the case.

“Look, this David Lynch guy? Pretty interesting director. ‘Blue Velvet’? Very tremendous movie,” Trump said. “Fantastic guy, this Frank Booth. He knows what he wants and he just goes for it. Nobody’s going to get in his way. When he has that encounter with Dorothy at her apartment? Very nice, very romantic. I don’t know why that Jeffrey thought he had any right to try to stop it. Dorothy obviously loved Frank very much. It was all very consensual. Perfectly consensual. And meanwhile, he’s so nice to his friends. When he toasts his good friend Ben and Jeffrey doesn’t say ‘Here’s to Ben’ with enough enthusiasm? Frank immediately calls him out for not being polite. Good old-fashioned manners. I modeled my administration just like Frank’s close circle of friends.”

MAGA voter Jim Hudson immediately shaped his own opinion based on Trump’s.

“I don’t know anything about David Lynch—wait, actually, did he make ‘Fight Club’? Now that’s a movie that understands the modern man right there,” said Hudson. “But if Trump says this Frank Booth guy is great, I know he’s right. He’s always correct. I just checked out Frank’s Wikipedia page and it says he’s a crazed psychopathic gangster. I’m sure he’s just misunderstood. I mean, how bad could he be? Seems like he would’ve been against the mask mandates, so clearly he’s my kind of guy.”

Film scholar Jon Waterson expressed amusement at Trump’s enthusiasm.

“Frank Booth is obviously a representation of all of the worst characteristics of the American male in the Reagan era. He’s unhinged and violent, and coerces sexual favors through psychological torture. I’d be very concerned about anybody who claims to identify with him,” said Waterson. “But then again, Trump once said his favorite film of all time is ‘Citizen Kane,’ and anyone who’s seen it knows perfectly well that Kane is the bad guy, so who knows. At least I think so. I’ve never seen it.”

At press time, Trump was fielding a question about his administration’s policies on food safety and regulation by urging reporters to “check out the chicken dinner scene in ‘Eraserhead.’”

Humiliation Kink? This Band is Playing Three Ohio Dates on Their Upcoming Tour

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

At first glance, Bagel Bytes might just seem like your average, ordinary, everyday post-electroclash trio. But the Greenpoint outfit has also been revealed as one that takes certain – some might say perverse – pleasure in having their shame on display for all to see. This was evidenced by their recent announcement of a lengthy upcoming spring tour, one which includes three dates in Ohio.

“Playing Ohio is an experience that just about every band will have to endure at least once in their careers,” record store owner Doug Milch said. “But there was an unspoken understanding that you don’t draw attention to it. Like, when my band Nylon Mylar was active back in the early aughts, we’d deliberately make any Ohio dates as small as our tour manager would let us. And there was an iron-clad clause in our contract that we would only do two per tour, before we renegotiated it to just one every five years. Meanwhile, these guys are playing three Ohio dates and posting it across social media for anyone to see. They realize their names and photos are public, right?”

Sexologist Dr. Michele Snowden argues that Bagel Bytes apparent lack of self-mortification regarding their upcoming trio of Ohio shows likely speaks to the cognitive dissonance that thrills humiliation enthusiasts in ways that outsiders to the lifestyle struggle to process.

“The very thought of you or I broadcasting to the world that we’ll be in Ohio for any amount of time, naturally triggers our sympathetic nervous system, often leading to a full-body sense of tension and disgust,” Snowden said. “The members of Bagel Bytes all but certain had this happen to them, and playing three shows indicates they felt the need to heighten the sensation to an even greater extent. While this kind of behavior isn’t ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ on its own, it is important not to go too far in self-debasement. Like, they’re only playing one actual city, Cleveland. The other two dates are in Youngstown and Chillicothe. They’re coming dangerously close to what’s considered the ultimate humiliation: actually living in Ohio.”

Mercedes Fischetti, an early fan of Bagel Bytes who regularly attends their shows, admitted that this news has changed how she sees the band.

“I hate to ‘yuck anyone’s yum’, as the saying goes,” FIschetti said. ‘But I don’t know if I can look at them the same way after knowing they’re…like that. Oh, God, I bought a shirt from them last year. I would’ve never given them money had I known this is what they’d be using it for.”

Bagel Bytes continues to show their unapologetic self-masochism to this day evidenced by an Instagram post containing the phrase “Stoked to explore the Buckeye state!”

Middle-Aged Metal Fan Prepares Elaborate Story for Record Store Clerk About Why He’s Just Now Purchasing “Reign in Blood”

Posted on by Jason Clemence

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 46-year-old metalhead Rich Dresden nervously concocted a complex narrative to explain to the clerk at Urgent Breakdown Records why he was only now purchasing a physical copy of Slayer’s classic 1986 album “Reign in Blood,” disinterested sources confirmed.

“I used to have a cassette copy that I dubbed from my buddy’s CD in 10th grade,” Dresden muttered in preparation as he paced the aisles with the seminal thrash album tucked under his arm. “Then that got stuck in the tape deck of my car, but that was around the time that Napster really took off, so I was able to download all the tracks, even though half of them said they were Anthrax songs. But yeah, I burned a CD made up of those downloads and had that until it got too scratched, and then I was going to buy the vinyl but I could never find it at my local Target, and I refuse to buy records from Amazon, so yeah, you know. Let’s just hope the cashier doesn’t find any plotholes in my story.”

Urgent Breakdown Records clerk Ashley Browning said that listening to such tales is totally routine in her line of work.

“Yeah, I could see [Dresden] psyching himself up as he fidgeted in the checkout line,” Browning explained while yawning. “And since he was wearing a battle vest with a bunch of metal band patches, I knew exactly what was coming. A few weeks ago, this guy who was probably in his early 50s and was dressed like he was in Williamsburg in 2001 came in to buy the first Arcade Fire record, and I was treated to a soliloquy about how his ex took his original copy when she moved out, and so he had to replace it with this inferior re-press. Weird that all Arcade Fire fans use this identical story.”

Musicologist Fred Erikson, PhD, confirmed that this is a common occurrence.

“People who attach their own sense of identity to music fandom can get caught in a catch-22: They don’t yet own a classic album of their preferred genre, but to obtain one, they have to implicitly admit that they don’t already have it,” said Erikson. “In my last article, I refer to it as The Poser’s Dilemma. To be an expert in a genre, you must know the classics, but unfortunately, to look like an expert you actually can’t purchase the iconic ones publicly. You simply can’t win.”

At press time, Dresden further embarrassed himself by also deciding to buy a copy of Kerry King’s 2024 solo album “From Hell I Rise.”

Punk Suggests Cigarettes to Friend Trying to Quit Zyn

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

EDMONDS, Wash. — Local punk Joe Solomon suggested his friend Donald Dell ditch his crippling Zyn addiction by switching to cigarettes, confirmed sources who were still entertaining the idea.

“Donald needs to face his nicotine addiction head-on and what better way to do that by swapping out the Zyns with Marlboros,” Solomon said while lighting a new cigarette. “There are just so many benefits to smoking. For one, everyone is disgusted by you. You smell terrible, have to go outside, and get dirty looks from strangers. It’s way more punk than hiding a Zyn under your lip like some corporate stooge. Plus, we don’t even know the long-term effects of Zyn. For all we know you could die of cancer after a lifetime of abusing it. I don’t think there’s any evidence to suggest Parliament Lights are harmful. Not to mention, just think of all the smoke breaks you are missing out on!”

Dell was skeptical of Solomon’s advice, albeit hopeful.

“I never even smoked before, but now I’ve got a Zyn lodged in my gums all the time,” said Dell, a sales associate who spiraled into nicotine pouch dependency after hearing a sponsored segment about them on a podcast. “I can’t even sit through a meeting without one. My stomach’s all messed up, my gums are wrecked, and I’ve started ordering stronger ones from Sweden off the internet. However, I recently bought a pack of American Spirits and can’t wait to use them to finally kick the nicotine habit.”

Experts, however, aren’t sold on the punk-approved detox plan.

“I’ll admit, there is a strange logic here,” said Dr. Angela Lu, an addiction expert carefully choosing her words. “In theory, switching to cigarettes could help someone wean off Zyn. But you’re essentially trading one bad habit for another. Still, it might be easier to control your nicotine consumption due to the social stigma surrounding smoking. Regardless, quitting nicotine is going to cause some uncomfortable withdrawals, so I would suggest it is better to go cold turkey. Whatever you do, just do not start using a vape. If you’re going to have an addiction to nicotine, at least look cool while you’re doing it.”

At press time, Dell was seen outside a bar smoking a cigarette while slipping a nicotine pouch under his lip.

5 Reasons Why I’ve Vowed to Never Compliment a Random Person’s Metal Shirt in Public Ever Again

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Spotting someone in public wearing a shirt of a metal band you also like can immediately trigger a camaraderie that is seldom seen in other subcultures, but unfortunately, it just isn’t worth the risk.

Here are a few reasons why I will never make the mistake of acknowledging someone in public for their metal shirt ever again for as long as I live.

1.) Being Sued.
One time when I was in elementary school, I noticed a kid wearing a Metallica shirt. “Nice! Is that an original ‘Pushead’ shirt, or a bootleg?” I said. Next thing I knew, I was slapped with a defamation lawsuit. I had no idea what that even meant being a 12-year-old, but apparently his parents had friends in high places close to the Metallica camp. $50,000 dollars and one long arduous court battle later, I agreed to never publicly disparage the name Metallica again, but that was obviously physically impossible.

2.) Getting My Feelings Hurt from Being Called a “Poser.”
Once I told a random dude I thought his Bathory shirt was badass. Not only did he immediately call me “fake” and a “poser,” he proceeded to tell me he only wears the shirt just to fish for compliments, then call those people posers for liking Bathory. If you see someone who looks like the war metal or “kvlt” type, it’s best to just act like any of their potential mates, and pretend they just don’t exist.

3.) Batshit Right-Wing Political Tirades.
First you idiotically compliment a Slayer shirt, then they talk about Pantera, then Five Finger Death Punch, then you realize you’ve made a huge mistake and you’re listening to him go on about how he was there on January 6th and took a shit inside Pelosi’s desk. Now you’re an accomplice, and regretting that you ever liked “Show No Mercy” in the first place.

4.) Nearly Being Framed for Murder.
You rarely see people wearing shirts of more extreme bands like Cannibal Corpse out in public. Last time I gave the old “nice shirt!” to a guy in a Corpse’ shirt, he wouldn’t stop trying to get me to hold his ball peen hammer. I think he wanted to get my prints on it or something. I guess I should have considered the fact that he was wielding a hammer in a public park before telling him how cool his shirt was.

5.) Unknowingly Giving Dave Mustaine a Compliment.
I let a guy know I thought his Megadeth shirt was cool, and it was immediately clear he was unimpressed. He told me his washer and dryer were on the fritz, and it was the last shirt he had. He then told me how much he hated Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield and that it was all their fault that Lowes sold him defective appliances. That’s when I noticed the weird angry lips and realized it was actually Dave Mustaine. It’s a pain I will never forget.

Chrysler Building Admits It Would Have Been Nice to Have Been Thought of as Possible Target on 9/11

Posted on by Doug Kolic

NEW YORK — The Chrysler Building was recently overheard complaining that it wasn’t one of the buildings targeted by terrorists on 9/11, a close source with knowledge alleged.

“As a born and raised Manhattanite, I obviously love this place,” stated the aging Art Deco style building. “But if those terrorists wanted to give this city a real gut punch, why didn’t they target what used to be the tallest building in the world, specifically from November 1929 to May 1931? Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to suffer the same fate as my pals down at One World Trade Center, but deep down not being thought of highly enough to be on those baddies’ hit list does hurt a little. Maybe people would appreciate me more if someone finally tried to take me out. Then they’d be sorry.”

The Empire State Building, which eclipsed the Chrysler Building as the world’s tallest when it opened in 1931, was tired of hearing it whine for so many years.

“Oh boy, here comes the trauma dump,” said the eighth current tallest building in NYC. “He fails to realize that if he were a target on that infamous day, he’d be a pile of dust by now. He’s like that annoying coworker who you don’t invite to your wedding because they always go on about how much they hate weddings, only for them to gripe when you don’t invite them. Honestly, I’d love to spend more time being a sounding board for his insecurities, but if you couldn’t tell by the lineup for my observation deck, I’m kind of busy here.”

Architect Guy Denis explained that it’s not uncommon for buildings to wish they were more popular.

“Just because these buildings are made of brick and mortar, doesn’t mean their hearts are,” said Denis. “Big cities change quickly. What was once a popular tourist destination over time loses its luster and gets overshadowed by something newer, taller, shiner. But oftentimes this insecurity is simply jealousy. Before he started rambling on about 9/11, Chrysler’s main axe to grind for years was not being chosen to be climbed by the titular beast in 1933’s ‘King Kong.’ That’s what we in the architectural world call a straight up petty little bitch.”

At press time, the Chrysler Building was evacuated after receiving an anonymous threat that many close acquaintances suspect it had made itself.

Tiny Cops Hassle Fingerboarding Teens

Posted on by Tim Graham

NORTH ATTLEBORO, Mass. — Several youths were ordered to stop playing with miniature skateboards by very small police officers outside the Emerald Square Mall, according to regular-sized witnesses.

“We were just innocently messing around with our fingerboards outside the movie theater. I was grinding a concrete planter when I heard this little siren,” said 14-year-old Andrew Slotnick as he fastened new trucks to his scaled-down skateboard. “I looked down and saw that a couple of little cops had pulled up in what looked like a toy police car. They were yelling at me and my friends to stop skateboarding. We thought they were joking at first, but then they brought out this tiny German Shepherd and we ran off. I’ve been bitten by a hamster before, which really hurt—and this dog was like guinea pig-sized.”

Officer Devin McCulloch was one of the diminutive patrolmen who rousted Slotnick and his friends.

“There was a clearly posted sign that read, ‘No Skateboarding’ and these kids were blatantly flouting the law,” said Officer McCulloch as he sipped coffee from a thimble. “That applies to skateboarding of any size. The NAPD Micro-Crimes Division faces a lot of unique challenges, but we don’t let our size prevent us from meting out the law. Don’t let our Lilliputian stature fool you—if a suspect tries anything funny, you better believe I’ll whip out my taser and give them the worst static shock they’ve ever felt.”

Leonard Panis, spokesman for the International Union of Police Associations, says recent influxes of funds have led to some remarkable advancements in law enforcement.

“Police departments across the country are seeing huge budget increases as cuts are made to less important social programs,” said Panis. “We’re putting that money toward groundbreaking technology like shrink rays, AR goggles that can tell us who a suspect voted for and autonomous robots that shoot pepper spray at sleeping homeless people until they leave. We’re currently working with a military contractor to develop decoy copies of leftist books containing dye packs that explode when opened so we can easily identify commies.”

At press time, spectators were seen recording a pair of tiny cops beating a homeless man on the shins with cute little nightsticks.

Son, You’re 15 Now, It’s Time To Start Getting Pretentious About Radiohead

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

Son, I remember what times were like when I was your age: the school crushes, the long, agonizing classes, the “locker room talk”…but maybe most importantly, the music. Oh man, oh man, we had some great bands back then – Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, the Red Hot Chili Peppers…some people even liked Third Eye Blind, I hear. I know high school is a weird time and it feels like everyone’s doing everything they can to fit in, but it’s hard. Well, take a lesson from your ol’ Pop: if you really want to stand out and be cool, then it’s time to start getting pretentious about Radiohead.

Fifteen is the perfect age to start developing some really rock-solid opinions on popular bands. You’re not an adult yet, but you’re also not a little boy, so maybe people will actually listen to what you have to say. Alright, here’s step one of the masterclass: insist that Kid A is Radiohead’s most interesting and thought-provoking album by a mile. Pablo Honey and The Bends are tired and worn out. OK Computer? Just OK. But to you, Kid A never gets old. The idiosyncratic and at times off-putting melodies woven throughout reflect a dark, mysterious understanding of the world that only your adolescent self truly relates to. I got that from Pitchfork, you can use it.

Also, you’re gonna want to boldly claim that you understand the lyrics to ‘Everything In Its Right Place’ on a fundamentally much deeper level than everyone else.

With that out of the way, it’s on to step two: dismiss all of their most popular songs outright. “Creep”, “No Surprises”, “High and Dry”…to you, all of them are overplayed. You’re fifteen now, that kind of normie shit is beneath you. You’re more of an “Optimistic” and “Dollars and Cents” kind of guy. This will demonstrate to your peers that you have listened to a lot of Radiohead and can even name some songs on their less popular albums. If anyone asks why you like those songs more, you can say that you like anti-consumerist messaging and find them more melodically interesting.

Oh, and here’s a word that you should burn into your brain: production. “The production is so forward-thinking and inventive.” That’ll really knock the socks off of your classmates.

Now, you’ll need to be prepared for a major curveball: what to do if one of your fellow Radiohead-discovering friends asks you for your opinion on In Rainbows. If this happens, don’t panic. Scrunch up your face as if you’re very deep in thought, and then reply that it depends on the day for you…on some you find it to be one of their more surprising and interesting “projects” (you’ve been watching a lot of Fantano recently), and on others it’s not as incisive or cutting as some of their previous albums. You also, on principle, don’t like mainstream tracks like “All I Need” or “Jigsaw Falling Into Place.”

These are just a few helpful tips and tricks to really stink up a room with your pretentious Radiohead takes. I leave the rest to you, son. Your pretentious journey is your own, and I’m sure you can find even more ways to piss people off and leave them wanting more. If you want to be with the “in” crowd, take these to heart, and as Thom Yorke once said, “Someone needs to tell the truth, but it shouldn’t be my job.” And it certainly isn’t yours, either.

Son, I’m proud of you for taking your first steps into a lifetime of making other music fans feel inferior. Just remember, if you ever catch yourself saying “Steeley Dan is actually good,” You’ve gone too far.

Sober App Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Posted on by Dom Turek

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Just days away from completing his dry January goal, local abstainer Adam Cowell gave in to mounting temptation and crushed a 30-rack this weekend, according to his dismayed sober app, who wasn’t angry, but very disappointed by the incident.

“It’s my fault for getting my hopes up,” said Refocus, a sobriety-tracking and support app for people who want to build healthier drinking habits by quitting completely or cutting back on consumption. “He’s done this to me before, but I thought this time might be different. He even posted on the community messageboard saying he couldn’t wait to enjoy a crisp N/A lager at his upcoming work party. I guess the latest daily quote I showed him from Nelson Mandela wasn’t enough to deter him.”

Cowell downloaded the app years ago after a particularly regrettable bender that resulted in six public urination tickets and mandatory court appearances spanning multiple state lines. Since then, Cowell redownloads the app sporadically when he feels the need to reexamine his drinking habits.

“I would rather have Refocus be mad at me than disappointed any day,” said Cowell. “I woke up completely obliterated in bed still wearing my winter coat and clutching a half-eaten breakfast burrito to a notification from the app congratulating me on making it to my 25-day sober milestone. To think that I used the app’s daily quote from Nelson Mandela ‘It always seems impossible until it’s done,’ as motivation to finish shotgunning a tall can at the end of the night is unconscionable.”

The Reframe app is a self-help app, which at its core is designed to help you achieve a goal, whether that be sobriety, sleep, anxiety, or just seeing what you would look like with bangs.

“This is going to sound crazy,” said Karren Schultz, head of an app development team, “But some apps seem to be gaining sentience. As technology advances, so does people’s reliance on it, which has led some apps to shortcircuit in ways we didn’t believe they were programmed to do so. For example, one app user complained to our company that after her sixth relapse on alcohol, her daily motivational quote just changed to an emoji holding up an ‘L’ to its forehead and making farting noises. It seems some apps can only handle so much letdown.”

During press time, Cowell was seen resetting the app back to day zero and begging Reframe for another chance before his free trial ran out.