Middle-Aged Man Wearing Slayer Shirt Automatically Prescribed Hypertension Medicine Upon Walking Into Doctor’s Office

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DALLAS — Local middle-aged Slayer fan Doug Ulner was immediately prescribed medication to address his presumed high blood pressure upon his entrance to Southwest Dallas Medical Practitioners, sources report.

“Yeah, I have no idea what that was about,” the 44-year-old Ulner wheezed while scaling the 12 steps at the building’s entrance. “As soon as I walked in, a doctor who happened to be standing near the waiting room just handed me a bottle of something called ‘Lisinopril.’ I haven’t been to a doctor in over twenty years, and I’m only here because my wife begged me to book an appointment, so I guess I’ll start taking this medicine. I just don’t understand what it is about my appearance that made that doctor think I need it.”

Dr. Shameca Thurgood explained why she prescribed the medication so quickly.

“I was speaking to Daryl in reception when I saw a red-faced man wearing a ‘Hell Awaits’ shirt burst through our front entrance, and I knew exactly what his medical condition was,” Thurgood offered. “There’s a specific combination of poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, and exposure to over-stimulating music that leaves Slayer fans in particular much more susceptible to hypertension than, say, Sleep or Candlemass fans once they hit middle-age. I have a lot of patients today, and it would just be a waste of time to go through the motions with getting this guy’s height and weight. The medical attention he needs is patently obvious just from looking at him.”

Nicole Sanders, spokesperson for the American Heart Association, provided further insight

“Situations like this are actually indicative of recent measures that are being considered by the AHA,” Sanders said. “Certain music tastes, along with diet, lifestyle, genetics, and congenital heart conditions, are going to be listed as potential risk factors for hypertension and even Type 2 diabetes. We can simply no longer pretend that a middle-aged Neutral Milk Hotel fan runs the same risk as some oldhead who listens to Deicide. Alerting the public to this can save lives, and we’re looking to roll out this initiative as soon as possible.”

At press time, a second middle-aged patient wearing a Megadeth “Youthanasia” shirt was automatically prescribed Cialis upon entering the same office.

6 Times a Problem Came Along and “Whip It” Turned Out To Be a Terrible Solution

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

We all face problems in life, from agonizing over your crippling fear of commitment and proposing to your longtime partner to developing a crippling fear of rejection after they laugh in your face and break up with you. But there’s one thing you should know: despite what iconic art-rock provocateurs tell you, the answer to a problem is almost never “whip it.”

I should know. I have faced innumerable problems in my life that I thought could remedied by whipping them good, real good. I was almost always wrong. Here’s a non-inclusive list of six of those instances.

1. The year was 1987, and my parents saw nothing wrong in letting me listen to 104.7, the Station with Great Gustation. That’s how six-year-old me first heard the smash hit song “Whip It” and why I thought it was appropriate to deal with a report card filled with Ds by seizing a nearby pack of Red Vines at Kroger’s and whipping it. That only left yet more red marks on the page and I was grounded for two months, plus I can no longer enjoy the great taste of Red Vines without academic shame. That report card prevented me from ever studying archaeology beyond the grade school level.

2. Fast forward ten years, and I’m in high school. I plan to ask Mary-Jo Maryjosen to the prom, but I can’t afford a corsage. What to do? The answer, I promise you, is not to bust into a neighbor’s flower garden with a whip you borrowed from your uncle, the archaeologist, and attempt to whip the flowers into a passable corsage. My uncle died in Nepal two years later, which feels related.

3. Burdened by my increasing failures to resolve problems with a whip, I vowed to give the past a slip and take a course in conflict resolution. Long story short, I went to jail for two months for using a cat o’ nine tails in what I can now admit was clearly a hypothetical role-play scenario about job interviews.

4. This one is not my fucking fault. The cream sat out too long, and that louse Mark Mothersbaugh gave clear instructions about what to do in that circumstance. Motherfucker.

5. Picture this: you book a trip to Nepal in an effort to assuage the everpresent guilt of your archaeologist uncle’s death-by-rolling-boulder. American Airlines refuses to honor your frequent flyer miles, even though the fine print clearly states they are transferable. Nowhere does it say that the death-by-rolling-boulder of the original owner of the miles voids them. However, American Airlines has since added verbiage to its flight restrictions, saying that no one who has ever threatened to get straight, go forward, move ahead, or try to detect it will be allowed on a flight.

I also may have attempted to whip a Boeing 747 in desperation.

6. My most recent and, in many ways, most ill-judged attempt to whip it was simple. I was reading a scientific book about archaeologists at my local Denny’s. when who should enter but Mark Mothersbaugh, the author of all my pain. As if in a trance, I removed my fedora and seized a tablecloth, wringing it into an improvised whip with expertise that shocked even me.

As I pelted the Devo singer with lash after justified lash of tablecloth, he tried to explain that he was, in fact, Bob Mothersbaugh and did not write their iconic hit song.

Sorry, Bob.

Rookie NFL Game DJ Mistakenly Presses “Crazy Train” Button Instead of “Welcome to the Jungle” Button

Posted on by Steve Packosky

GREEN BAY, Wisc. — Local man Jason Broderick committed a grievous error in pressing the “Crazy Train” button instead of the “Welcome to the Jungle” button during his first shift DJing a Packers home game at Lambeau Field, appalled sources report.

“Yeah, this one’s totally on me,” a red-faced Broderick said. “I was given in-depth instructions on what situations call for Ozzy and what situations call for Axl, this is worse than the day both my parents were killed in separate car accidents at the same exact time. I just hope the fans can forgive me. I feel awful, especially because I was so excited for this gig. I grew up a huge Packers fan, so I know the Cheeseheads are expecting to hear the appropriate music to express their mood at any given time during the game. I hope I can redeem myself.”

Packers fan Julie Hernandez was taken aback by Broderick’s misstep.

“It was the beginning of the second quarter and we were up by seven with the ball on the 46-yard line,” Hernandez noted. “It was first down because Jordan Love had just completed a pass to Christian Watson after a stellar punt return by Jayden Reed. Anybody with half a brain knows that the situation called for a sick Slash riff, so I was really surprised and, frankly, disgusted when I heard a Randy Rhoads guitar lick instead. What, did this guy think we were post-halftime and our defense was on the field? What the hell was he thinking?”

Broderick’s boss Veronica Simon expressed her displeasure at the poor performance of her protégé.

“We went over this repeatedly before he took the DJ booth,” Simon sighed. “Jason went through our mandatory month-long boot camp, and I really put him through the ringer because I believed in him and knew he could excel at this position. I know he went into his first day knowing exactly when to play each song, and he not only let me down, but he let down his team, his city, and the NFL at large. He could’ve been great, but maybe he’s just not ready for the big leagues. I’m going to give him another chance, but to be completely honest, I don’t have high hopes for him anymore.”

At press time, Simon had decided to postpone Broderick’s training on the “Enter Sandman” button, stating that he clearly wasn’t ready for it yet.

Fact Check: Did My Neighbor Connor Really Have a Foursome With Destiny’s Child When We Were in the Sixth Grade?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Disinformation has always been an issue in our society, and with the rise of social media, bad actors have been given carte blanche to spread whatever falsehoods they desire without any fear of repercussion. Growing weary of the constant veil of distrust I have to apply, I have made it my mission to root out all disinformation I have encountered.

This leads me to my neighbor Connor. In the sixth grade, Connor told me that he “did fingers, mouth stuff, and even full-on sex” concurrently with every member of Destiny’s Child after attending one of their concerts. I considered Connor my friend and thus had no basis for not believing this claim which, over two decades later, appears dubious at best. I’ve hired the Hard Times to fact-check Connor, and with such a crack team of investigators now in my employ, I’m confident that I can get to the bottom of this.

According to Connor, he was roped into attending their concert near our hometown of Walnut Creek, California a couple weeks before Halloween with his family to celebrate his sister’s birthday. He thought their music was “fucking lame,” but was pleasantly surprised at the show’s conclusion when Kelly Rowland gestured for him to “come hither” and follow her backstage, where the collective tryst supposedly occurred in the group’s dressing room. Connor claimed to have completed the carnal act in time to join his family in the merch line to buy his sister a tour shirt before his absence had been detected.

VERDICT

False. While Destiny’s Child did play a show at the Concord Pavilion in Concord, CA on Sunday, October 15, 2000, Connor was not there. The Hard Times was able to confirm through multiple sources that, while Connor’s parents did take Caitlin to the Destiny’s Child concert, Connor himself was attending Dribble Drills basketball camp in the gymnasium of nearby Walnut Creek Intermediate School, having been driven there by the father of another camper. In fact, The Hard Times was able to procure an attendance sheet from the camp’s former director Ron Barrister who, while completely mystified at the request, assured us that the documentation was likely still in an old filing cabinet in his basement.

I have since called Connor in an effort to confront him about his blatant falsehoods. While he was at first pleased to hear from me, his tone quickly changed to one of disgusted bewilderment as his deceit was called out. Though his exact words were “Are you fucking kidding me? Do you not have anything better to do? I have to put my kid to bed. Jesus Christ, dude” before hanging up, it’s clear he was attempting to obfuscate the lies he had been caught making.

I would like to thank the Hard Times Fact Check Team for their diligence and attention to detail in bringing light to this flagrant and uncalled-for misrepresentation at the hands of Connor, and I hope he sees the ignominy associated with this article’s publication as an opportunit to portray his actions honestly going forward.

Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Depict First Telling of Marilyn Manson Rib Surgery Story

Posted on by Carson Kile

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Archaeologists reportedly uncovered ancient cave paintings that depict the very first telling of the Marilyn Manson rib surgery story, amazed sources say.

“It confirms a lot of theories we have had for years about the origin of that legend,” said tenured archaeology professor Adam Patel as he erased a crudely drawn mustache and devil horns off of one of the painted figures. “This painting shows that the story was passed down orally on playgrounds for generations, often by the kids whose parents let them watch R-rated movies by themselves. It’s amazing to see that tradition still being upheld today. We can tell by these markings that the speaker heard the tale from their older brother, who probably listened to an ancient genre of music called ‘igneous rock.’ Some notable bands from this era are Dinosaur Sr., Great-Great Grandpapa Roach, and the Rolling Stones. Not like a tongue-in-cheek, caveman parody of the Rolling Stones, but the actual Rolling Stones.”

Local conspiracy theorist Jo Baldwin had this to say about the historical discovery:

“This cave painting is clearly the work of aliens,” spat Jo as she turned the volume down on the YouTube Shorts she had been watching on her phone. “Isn’t it a little strange that multiple civilizations who never had any contact with one another all have their own versions of some ribless freak sucking his own dick? Obviously, Marilyn Manson is an immortal, extraterrestrial being who has been affecting the course of human history from the shadows. Actually, I wish it was from the shadows, so I wouldn’t have to look at his fugly mug anymore. I believe humans built the pyramids and landed on the moon, but no one is convincing me that ‘The Beautiful People’ is of human origin. That’s where I draw the line.”

Comedian and MMA commentator Joe Rogan also weighed in on the discovery in the latest episode of his podcast, “The Joe Rogan Experience.”

“These cave paintings are products of a time when men were men,” said Joe Rogan, while applying carnauba wax to the top of his head. “Remember the good old days when you could pay thousands of dollars to surgically remove your ribs to suck your own penis and no one made a stink about it? Nowadays, the woke mob will never let you forget it. People are just way too sensitive. I’ve actually been training a new Jiu-Jitsu technique called the ‘Madonna Wayne Gacy’ that allows me to squish my body in a way that I can suck my own wang without having to go under the knife. Andrew Huberman told me that auto-fellatio increases your natural testosterone levels by 200%. I think that’s what he said, anyway.”

At press time, the researchers who made this amazing discovery are now following a lead on an ancient tome that allegedly contains the first “transgender Lady Gaga” rumor.

Life Hack! This Serial Killer Got a Crucifix Tattoo To Ensure He Still Gets Into Heaven!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

We all know the rules: try your hardest to be a good person and spend your life committing honorable deeds to be rewarded with an eternity in paradise when you die. Those of us who were raised Christian have had this lesson ingrained in our brains from early childhood, and hopefully it’s motivated us to do some good in our communities or turn the other cheek to those who mean us harm. However, one crafty person has found a way around this holy doctrine and ensured himself a seat at the right hand of the Father despite spending his life causing nothing but pain and suffering!

Whoa! Is this for real?

You bet it is! Meet 44-year-old Brock Wesley Dunn of Plainfield, Wisconsin. An accountant by day, Brock has chosen to spend his free time torturing and murdering hitchhikers he’s picked up in surrounding communities. While such an, erm, alternative lifestyle would typically earn someone perpetual torment at the hands of Satan’s hordes of sadistic demons, Brock has found himself a loophole by getting a crucifix tattoo on his right bicep, and in so doing proven his allegiance to God!

Pretty cool!

With this hastily-designed and poorly-executed cross adorned with the word “FAITH” emblazoned on his arm for the rest of his life, Brock has managed to skirt cosmic laws and earn himself a place in the divine kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Of course, this is small consolation for the poor hitchhikers trapped in his basement awaiting their certain doom (especially because Brock has recently discovered his proclivity for skinning people alive,) but we’ll gladly receive uplifting news wherever we can get it in today’s world. Hooray for Brock!

Let this be a lesson to those of us who have spent our time donating to the poor or volunteering at food banks that there’s an easier way. While millions try to curry favor with God by wasting their time with these costly and boring activities, Brock gets to indulge in his demented practice of donning his deceased mother’s nightgown and dancing in front of the dozens of shattered mirrors distributed amongst his house until he’s hit peak sexual arousal, at which point he can descend into the basement and extract specimens from his still-living victims for his macabre arts-and-crafts projects! That’s certainly not the way we’d choose to spend our leisure hours, but who are we to judge someone who’s so cleverly circumvented the wishes of his Maker?

While we most certainly hope to never have the privilege of meeting Brock, we can’t help but applaud his ingenuity. One thing’s for certain: there are billions upon billions of damned souls currently having the flames of hell lick at their flesh who would’ve loved to be in the know on this one!

Nation’s Families Announce Plans to Sit Next to You at Restaurant While All Looking at Devices at Full Volume

Posted on by Trevor Graham

MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. — Families with young children across the country announced their plans to find you in a restaurant and sit at an adjacent table while each member watches something irritating at full volume, sources who may never leave their house again report.

“As a proud representative of every family in America who can’t seem to hold a conversation with their loved ones in public places, I’d like to declare our intentions of finding you having a nice quiet night out at your favorite place to eat and sitting right next to you while all of us remain silent and blast the worst kind of content we can find,” said Cheryl Lamondala over the din of a TikTok makeup tutorial playing on her phone. “We’ll be any place you go from a shitty Applebee’s to a five-star restaurant and we’ll be bringing our devices as well as our complete lack of situational awareness. See you soon!”

Some say they are confused why every family in America feels the need to do this and question why they are even bothering to go out at all.

“I took my girlfriend to a nice romantic spot for dinner we love to go to and were having a great time when suddenly this family of four sits right next to us and immediately breaks out all their iPads, Nintendo Switches, and Amazon Fires without even talking to each other,” said Matt Burton. “One kid was playing some kind of game on a tablet while the other one watched cartoons with the mom scrolling through Instagram Reels and the dad watching a baseball game. Couldn’t they have just gotten DoorDash and stayed at home and just made each other miserable in their own home?”

Local restaurateur Chris Santiago says he has noticed an uptick in the amount of annoying families visiting his establishment but has plans on how to help manage the situation.

“Yes, we get these kinds of families in here all the time and as terrible as they are, they currently make up about seventy-percent of our revenue so we can’t really say anything to them and risk losing business,” said Santiago. “So instead of letting them know that they are bothering the other customers we’ve just given all of our waitstaff megaphones so that they are able to take orders over the shrill cacophony of everyone’s phones playing some bullshit.”

At press time, every family in America also released a statement saying they will be sitting right behind you on a long-distance flight as their youngest child kicks the back of your seat and the parents pretend not to notice while arguing with each other.

Opinion: Why the $10,000 Prize I Won on “America’s Funniest Home Videos” in 1989 Was Not Worth Having My Left Testicle Ruptured by a Wiffle Bat

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It was August of 1988, and I was attending my nephew Brett’s 4th birthday party in Leoni, Michigan. I was just planning on spending a wonderful summer day with my family, but little did I know its events would change my life forever. While teaching Brett how to swing the yellow wiffle bat I had purchased him, he accidentally hit me in the testicles, causing me to clutch at my groin and collapse onto the freshly mown lawn behind my brother Andy’s house.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, fast forward 15 months, and there I was sitting in the studio audience for “America’s Funniest Home Videos” as the moment of my ultimate shame captured by Andy on his Sharp VHS-C HQ camcorder was replayed for millions of people. The audience guffawed as the most traumatic experience of my life was dubbed with hackneyed cartoon sound effects coupled with Bob Saget’s appalling impersonation of Brett’s voice. I ended up winning the $10,000 prize, but to say it wasn’t worth it is an understatement.

A ruptured left testicle requires the placement of a plastic scrotal tube to drain excess fluid. Six months of agonizing physical therapy costing thousands of dollars. Still more thousands of dollars in lost wages from my job as a construction foreman. These are the tolls the incident cost me for which the $10,000 was paltry and insulting recompense. I like to think the audience would not have laughed so heartily had these facts been known, but to be honest, the whole ordeal damaged my faith in humanity almost as much as it did my testicle.

Moreover, my relationship with my beloved nephew was completely shattered, and truly has never fully recovered. 36 years later, and I still instinctively cower in fear with my hands covering my genitals every time I see him. Worse yet, my family hasn’t grasped the emotional damage I incurred at the party, and will intermittently replay the clip on YouTube as I force a pained smile while biting back tears. No grand prize could possibly be worth such torment.

So go ahead and laugh, America, as you drink from my seemingly endless supply of misery. You’ve been doing it for the past three decades, so I hardly expect you to discover you’ve had your fill anytime soon. Just know that your spirit and sense of humanity have fallen in much the same way I did after being struck with the wiffle bat on that cursed afternoon so many years ago.

Matt Skiba Stares Out Rain Flecked Window Wondering if Mark and Travis Think About Him Too

Posted on by Matt Oriente

CHICAGO — Former Blink-182 guitarist Matt Skiba was seen staring out a window on a rainy day this past week while wondering if Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker think about him too, confirmed sources.

“Yeah, of course I’m happy for Tom and the guys, and I know there are no hard feelings,” said Skiba without breaking eye contact with a raindrop on a nearby window. “But sometimes I wonder if it’s something I did. Could I have played those three chords better? Did I not have the right nasally intonation on ‘All the Small Things’? Not enough dick jokes on stage? I just find myself wondering what they are doing right now and whether they think about me like I am of them right now.”

Current Alkaline Trio band members and road crew have noticed Skiba’s growing tendency to find the nearest window during rehearsals and shows.

“Matt’s been distant for a while, and as soon as he posts up by a window on a dreary day, I know what kind of night it’s going to be,” said bassist Dan Andriano. “You can’t help but feel inadequate and less than. It’s hard to compete with playing arenas with fully stocked and luxurious green rooms. We let him sit there and work things out on his own, but when he looks over and asks things like ‘Do you think they still play anything off ‘California’ or ‘Nine’?’ How do you answer that? Because we all know the truth.”

Therapist Dr. Ryan Coe, who specializes in band member relationships, notes this behavior is common among musicians who’ve gone from smaller bands to larger, more affluent ones.

“What Matt’s experiencing is a classic case of displaced loyalty,” Coe explained. “It’s not unusual for him to crave reciprocation, but in Matt’s case, he’s projecting feelings of closeness onto Mark and Travis, who—no offense to him—are probably debating which mom jokes to use on stage tonight or talking about the hundreds of thousands of dollars they made on one show of their tour. In all likelihood, they remember him as Mike Skiba by mistake.”

In a bittersweet twist, fans have reported that Alkaline Trio has added “I Miss You” to their set list, with Skiba singing both Hoppus’ and Tom DeLonge’s parts.

Muppets Ranked by the Likelihood That They Were the Zodiac Killer

Posted on by Dan Rice

The Muppets have been America’s favorite go-to brand of wholesome entertainment the whole family can truly enjoy since the premier of their pilot episode “The Muppets Valentine Show” on January 30th, 1974. Does that particular date ring a bell? It should. It is exactly one day after The San Francisco Chronicle received their final letter from the Zodiac killer. Coincidence? Well, if you’re as versed in the zodiac case as we are here at The Hard Times, you stopped believing in coincidence a long time ago.

We’ve examined the psychological profiles of each beloved Jim Henson puppet, and it has become all too clear that one of them is likely responsible for one of the most notorious series of killings in American history. We may never know which muppet committed these heinous crimes, but we’ve ranked them from least likely to most. FBI, your move.

26. Rowlf the Dog

No way, Rowlf is a certified good boy and possibly the only muppet above suspicion in the Zodiac murder case.

25. Janice

“Okay, so like, tie her up for me, and then tie yourself up, and make sure you tie the bonds really tight or I’ll shoot you mkaaaay?” Yeah, we don’t really see it.

24. Gonzo

When it comes to The Muppets and nefarious activity, Gonzo is usually suspect number one, but not this time. As far as we can tell none of the Zodiac’s crimes were sexual in nature, and since Gonzo can’t so much as see a chicken and not get all horned up, the odds of him killing a person and not immediately having sex with them are extremely low. He’s far from clean, God knows, but he is not the Zodiac.

23. Miss Piggy

Sure, she has a history of violence and has at least one major axis-2 personality disorder, but the idea that Piggy could generate so much attention as The Zodiac and not take credit for it by now seems implausible.

22. Zoot

Other than asking every barely legal girl who crosses his path “What’s your sign baby?” There is little tying Zoot to the Zodiac killings.

21. Floyd Pepper

Floyd is the “lover not a fighter” type, and he’s too bombed out of his mind on pain pills to solve a Sunday morning Jumble much less create his out cryptic ciphers. Still, he gets oddly cagey whenever the Zodiac is mentioned. What does he know? Who is he protecting? Another member of The Electric Mayhem” perhaps?

20. Link Hogthrob

Link is too high-profile to commit such nefarious crimes and goad the police, or at least he thinks he is. He probably isn’t the Zodiac, though the “accidental” drowning in the pool raises some serious red flags.

19. Gene

All of the Zodiac’s bodies were found by police. If Gene did it, they would all be in his stomach.

18. Uncle Deadly

It’s just a name… or is it?!

17. The Swedish Chef

What kind of animal is The Swedish Chef again? Oh right, human, curious species for a muppet. And what’s with the way he talks? Is that supposed to be Swedish? Our linguists can’t make heads or tails of it, and our researchers could find no record of his life before “The Muppet Show.” It’s as if he came out of nowhere, and whenever you ask about his past he responds with his trademark gibberish. He’s definitely a man with a shady past and a dark secret, could he be The Zodiac? Some of his letters did get pretty gibberishy…

16. Animal

It would explain the Zodiac’s frequent spelling and grammar mistakes, but we find the likelihood that Animal could create his own cypher dubious at best.

15. Scooter

He’s the nepo-baby of the Muppets—everyone knows he only got the gig because his rich uncle owns the theater. Yes, Scooter is well accustomed to getting his way, and known for flying off the handle on those rare occasions he doesn’t. A failed pilot, a bumped flight, perhaps a rebuking from a love interest, it wouldn’t take much for Scooter to become filled with rage and desperately seek to regain a sense of control.

14. Sweetums

Sweetums is basically the Arthur Leigh Allen of muppet Zodiac suspects. Everything in your bones tells you this is the guy. He fits the profile perfectly, he once expressed a desire to kill couples at lover’s lane to Dr. Teeth in 1962, every scrap of circumstantial evidence says he did it but son of a bitch if one or two crucial details just don’t match up. You may not have Zodiac’s prints or handwriting, but we’re keeping an eye on you Sweetums!

13. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

Throughout “The Muppet Show” Dr. Honeydew seems to delight in being smarter than the police, or at the very least smarter than Beaker. He has an ego, a clear superiority complex, and has demonstrated what could best be described as moral ambiguity on multiple occasions. Could he also have murder in his heart?

12. Beauregard

You remember Beauregard, the low-key janitor? Maybe a little too low key. Arthur Leigh Allen was a janitor, coincidence?!

11. Lew Zealand

Consider the life of the niche circus performer. Lonely. Transient. Unstable. It can’t be easy making a living throwing a fish as a boomerang, and over the years that hardship is bound to make a man angry. Angry enough to kill and taunt the police? Perhaps. Let’s just say Lew’s boomerang isn’t the only thing that’s fishy about him.

10. Bobo the Bear

He’s a lifestyle influencer now, same as half the subjects of every true crime doc made in the last decade.

9. Fozzie Bear

Much has been noted in recent years about the psychopathic tendencies of the comedic mind. Fozzie wouldn’t be the first “clean” comic to live a sinister double life. If Cosby can turn out to be a prolific rapist, Fozzie could easily be The Zodiac.

8. Beaker

Killers are frequently the victims of abuse in their formative years? Just how long has the B-man been assistant to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew? How many years of doing his menial tasks, suffering his egotistical insults, being a guinea pig for his various dangerous experiments? The good doctor has instilled a fear in Beaker he dare not challenge, but perhaps in a period of dangerous psychosis, Beaker found a new way to feel a sense of control.

7. Crazy Harry

He is canonically insane, as was Zodiac, and really, wouldn’t being a confirmed arsonist be the perfect cover story for a murderer? Psychiatrists of the time often speculated that Zodiac suffered from multiple personality disorder, and when you start connecting the dots it makes perfect sense that one of those personalities was The Zodiac and the other was a muppet demolition freak. Those are basically the two forces at work within each of us.

6. Statler and Waldorf

The multiple-killer theory has existed since the early ’70s, but the idea that the killers were working together and moonlighting as an insult comic duo is a new wrinkle. New, but not implausible. Consider how dissatisfied Statler and Waldorf seem with the world around them, the inner rage that must fuel those admittedly hilarious jibs. Could they once upon a time have satiated such hatred in a less savory manner, say, a cat-and-mouse game with San Francisco police?

5. Rizzo the Rat

Early psychological profilings of the Zodiac pegged him as a transient fringe type living on the margins of society., sort of like… a rat? Think about it.

4. Lips

The man’s name is “Lips” for god sake, he’s clearly full of rage and capable of anything.

3. Dr. Teeth

Robert Johnson. Jimmy Page. The Bloodhound Gang. Musical history is rife with legends of artists selling their souls to the devil in exchange for wild musical success. Dr.Teeth’s long standing reputation as a calculating fame-obsessive makes him a prime candidate for such an unholy pact. Could the Zodiac murders have been his way of proving his devotion to the dark lord? According to a vinyl copy of “Can You Picture That?” played backwards, yes.

2. Kermit the Frog

“That city pig toschi is good – but I am bu smarter and better he will get tired then leave me alone.” Zodiac frequently used the word pig or piggies in his letters, often referring to police and other perceived enemies. Kermit, meanwhile, has a long and storied history of suffering physical abuse at the hands of Miss Piggy. Could the frequency of this word in the Zodiac’s communications be a Freudian, nay, FROGIAN slip? We all know it ain’t easy being green, so how much could this frog really take before snapping and adopting a murderous alter persona to vent his frustrations?

1. Sam the Eagle

According to psychologists, Sam’s ultra-conservative and reserved exterior suggests a sinister and repressed shadow-self lurking under the surface and waiting to strike, and matches the speculative profile of the Zodiac to a T.