Local Punk Secretly Livid His Appearance Doesn’t Shock Anyone

Posted on by Evan Vest

MILWAUKEE — Local punk Noah Vickens harbored resentment against people who don’t bat an eye at his appearance, confirmed sources who shrugged their shoulders as he walked by.

“Well, it’s kinda bullshit if I can be real with you,” said Vickens while smoking cigarettes in the parking lot of a local library. “When I was 17, I got the full spectrum of reactions. Disgusted looks, staring, bus drivers sadly shaking their heads when I would board. Now I’m 27 and I am lucky if I get someone to do a double-take, let alone a spit take. I would have never taken the time to learn how to sew on this Leftöver Crack back patch if I knew that one day strangers would stop coming up to ask for tips on hemming and backstitching. I am so much more than my crocheting skills. For instance, I also wear a wallet chain.”

Community members admit they barely even notice Vickens out in public.

“I first noticed it last week at this Kwik-Stop,” said friend Marky Tailwater. “We went to get cigarettes after scraping together change we found on the floor of my car. He walked in with his mohawk, tattoos, and piercings, and he had this big smirk on his face like he was expecting the clerk to call the cops. Instead, the guy behind the counter just said ‘Hey guys’ and continued checking their phone. Noah was so pissed that he left in a huff, and we had to try again at a different convenience store. I think he’s getting irritated that his public presence doesn’t have the same shock value as it did in like, 1994.”

Local Librarian Alicia Crusyn had her own view on the situation.

“I’ve known Noah since he was very young, and it’s been a joy to watch him grow,” said Crusyn while making her alphabetizing rounds. “He comes in very frequently to use the computers and has also rented all of the ‘Decline of Western Civilization’ DVDs several times. He’s a wonderful, polite young person whose unique sense of style is always welcome at our public library. My only wish is that he would tell me where he got those cool studs for his jacket. I really want to bedazzle my outerwear too.”

At press time, Vickens finally got the shocked reactions he sought after by appearing at a local punk show while wearing a clean-collared shirt.

Netanyahu Insists on Crimes Against Humanity During Game Night

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

JERUSALEM — Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly forced his weekly game night attendees to play Crimes Against Humanity for the twelfth consecutive Saturday, despite protests from family members and political allies who desperately wanted alternative entertainment options, sources who heard weary sighs from the Prime Minister’s residence confirmed.

“We can’t even get through a single game of Risk anymore,” said IDF commander Herzi Halevi, while stress-eating from a bowl of confiscated UNRWA rice. “Last time we tried, Bibi spent forty-five minutes arguing that the borders on the game board were ‘historically inaccurate propaganda.’ Then he pulled out a Sharpie and started redrawing territory lines until the board was completely unusable. We had to throw it away when he started claiming the Mediterranean coastline was all ‘contested waters’ and drew a security buffer zone through Egypt. Multiple Risk sessions ended with him immediately retreating his pieces to the American continent, despite repeated explanations that the U.S. cannot actually veto other player’s turns.”

Netanyahu’s enthusiasm reached its peak during the fourth round when he revealed what he considered a masterful strategic move.

“Everyone expected me to play the ‘Forced displacement’ card – such predictable thinking,” Netanyahu declared while adjusting his reading glasses and grinning. “I’ve been holding onto ‘Starvation as a method of warfare’ since the first hand. When you play it during the humanitarian aid round, it’s worth triple points. The key is timing! These amateurs always go for the obvious moves, but the subtle approach of restricting basic necessities is how you rack up points. It’s all about the long game.”

Rian Draper, creator of the controversial board game, announced an upcoming expansion pack with historical themes.

“We’re excited to release our ‘Oops! All War Crimes’ bonus cards for the holiday season,” Draper explained. “It features classic additions like ‘Smallpox Blankets,’ ‘Agent Orange,’ and ‘Belgian Congo Rubber Quotas.’ Players can also look forward to our new ‘Plausible Deniability’ mechanic where you can claim your war crimes were actually just military necessities. The expansion even includes updated terms like ‘International Guidelines’ instead of the outdated ‘International Law.’”

At press time, Netanyahu was seen taking copious amounts of notes while watching the film, “Get Hard.”

Quiz: Have You Stumbled Into the Depths of Hell, or Are You Just at a Luke Bryan Concert in Mansfield, Massachusetts?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s strange how some situations can mirror others almost exactly. For example, a tennis match can look indecipherable from a pickleball match to an outsider. A city council meeting can easily be misconstrued as a school board meeting, and we’d be hard-pressed to tell you the difference between a symphony and an orchestra. It’s a good idea for all of us to prepare ourselves for these situations so we can properly identify what we’ve walked into. As such, let’s take this time to test our knowledge with a little quiz.

Try to identify which of these situations are describing the depths of hell or a Luke Bryan concert in Mansfield, Massachusetts!

1.)    Question: You traverse a parking lot filled with Ford F150s bespeckled with Blue Lives Matter and FJB bumper stickers to enter an arena, only to have your ears assaulted with song lyrics that make Jimmy Buffett sound like Elliott Smith.

Answer: If you went with “Luke Bryan Concert in Mansfield, Massachusetts,” good job! This indeed sounds very similar to the Stygian abyss of the dreaded Dark One, so don’t get down on yourself if you answered incorrectly. Try to make up for it with this next question!

2.)    Q: The temperature is impossibly high as you witness thousands of tortured souls wail in agony while countless demons rid them of their skin and force-feed them their own eyeballs.

A: That’s right, you’re in the depths of hell! It definitely doesn’t seem pleasant to us, and we’re *almost* tempted to wish we were back at the Luke Bryan concert! On to the next one!

3.)    Q: You’re forced into a naked procession of the damned with a pitchfork constantly at your back. At the front of the line is a pit of fire in which the dancing flames will lick your flesh for all of eternity, simply because you did not make it to Confession in time to cleanse your soul before you perished.

A: Yep, it’s hell again! You’re doing great!

4.)    Q: You’re surrounded by Miller Lite-swigging men donning cowboy hats (virtually none of whom have ever even sat upon a horse, let alone been employed as a farmhand) cosplaying as Southerners despite the fact that they are hundreds of miles north of the Mason-Dixon line.

A: This was a toughie, but it’s a Luke Bryan concert! We know it sounds like a clever punishment from the devious mind of Lucifer himself, but the trickiest demon is no match for modern-day country music!

5.)    Q: You’re in a crowd of white people singing along to the lyrics “Girl you make my speakers go ‘boom boom’, dancing on the tailgate in the full moon, that kind of thing makes a man go ‘mmm mmm.’”

A: Well, you’re at a Luke Bryan concert, but why are you at a Luke Bryan concert? That’s right, you’re in hell!

There you have it! We’re sure you performed fantastically, and if not, at the very least we hope you’re a little more equipped to differentiate between these two situations. God willing, you’ll never need this knowledge, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared!

Captain Planet Harvested for Rare Minerals in New iPhone

Posted on by Matt Husser

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the tech giant would begin harvesting beloved Saturday morning cartoon icon Captain Planet for rare minerals necessary to produce the next generation of iPhones, environmental sources confirmed.

“While we appreciate everything that Captain Planet has done for the world, the incoming Trump administration’s environmental deregulation will open up a free-for-all for precious rare mineral resources we need for the new iPhone. Simply put, either we strip-mine Captain Planet or our competition will,” said Cook, unveiling Captain Planet gagged and tied to a chair. “But fear not, for his mineral contributions will not be in vain, as it will allow us to release three iterations of the new iPhone 17. And to our shareholders, I leave you with this message: the power is yours!”

Longtime Planeteer James Wheeler claimed that while he will miss the environmentally-friendly superhero, he understands it’s for the good of consumers everywhere.

“Look, me and Captain Planet go way back, but this guy on Joe Rogan made a compelling case about climate change being a hoax and I don’t appreciate being lied to all those years by some preachy liberal in red booty shorts—I say he’s got it coming,” said Wheeler, turning his MAGA hat backward. “Plus my fire ring melted my last phone and I really want that iPhone 17 Pro Max Plus. I hear they’re moving the charging port two millimeters to the left—game changer, bro. Besides, once Elon gets us to space, there’s bound to be a Captain Mars there that can help us send all the hurricanes to China or some shit.”

Environmentalist Paul Johansen voiced concerns that the unregulated mining could spell disaster for other ‘90s Saturday morning TV shows.

“Between the news of unrestricted mining of Captain Planet and the Trump administration signaling they’ll appoint Dr. Blight to head the Environmental Protection Agency, this sets a worrying precedent for the next four years. I’m concerned that if trends continue, they’ll soon open bids for fracking rights on Fraggle Rock,” said Johansen, reading a report on climate-induced muppet immigration patterns. “Sesame Street can only take so many Fraggle migrants, and before you know it we’ll have an environmental disaster and a muppet refugee crisis on our hands.”

At press time, Nestle had successfully privatized Gi’s water ring to divert California’s entire water supply to their bottling plants.

Opinion: This Country Needs To Set Politics Aside and Pick a Crappy Show We All Watch

Posted on by Dan Rice

In the book of Genesis, it is said that the Babylonians endeavored to build a tower that could reach heaven. God, feeling threatened, made them all speak in different tongues, leading to confusion and war so they would never reach their full potential. It’s a chilling metaphor for what happens when there isn’t a crappy TV show we’re all watching.

Understand, the problem goes beyond actual language. Back in the ‘80s, you took one English speaker and one Spanish speaker and they had a communication tool that for all our duolinguo lessons we just don’t have today—they both watched “Different Strokes” last night. Was it a good show? No. Did they enjoy it? Absolutely not. But it was the only thing on, so they watched it, and now these two hypothetical strangers have the mutually shared communication touchstone of “What you talkin’ ‘bout Willis?” Something they can both grasp and build on.

In the age of the internet and content over-saturation, we as a nation have been divided into thousands of tribes. Even when we speak the same language, we don’t understand each other. Today you can take two random English speakers of nearly identical circumstances—race, gender, economic status, whatever—sit them down together and there’s a good chance neither will know what the hell the other is talking about. One has no idea why the other keeps saying “brat” in a weird context. The other won’t know why the other keeps saying “Vaccines are poison” or “Theo Von.” Within 20 minutes they are confused, angry, and ready to rip one another’s throats out without really understanding why.

We are at a precipice. It is estimated that “Seinfeld” reference comprehension has sunk by 25% in the last year alone. Nearly 65% of Americans still haven’t seen all of “The Office.” A recent study showed that 80% of High School seniors can’t find Steve Urkle on a map.

Remember “Lost?” Remember how you could be in a room with someone you had nothing in common with, but you could say “What IS the island though?” and they would say “I think it’s purgatory!” What I’m saying is that having that tiny little universally understood reference is the only thing between us and full-blown civil war.

We just need to pick one. It does not need to be good. You do not need to enjoy it. It just has to be palatable enough to watch so that we all have at least one thing we can point to and say stuff like “That guy is a real (name of boss) from (mediocre television show we’ve all seen for some reason.). So, America, what’s it gonna be?

It can’t be prestige TV. It can’t be challenging in any way. It has to be something just good enough to where someone says “Wanna watch another one?” and you go “I guess.” “Law & Order?” Not everyone loves that show, but come on, who hates “Law & Order?” Too much copaganda? Okay good point, not that one, maybe a sitcom? A really lazy sitcom.

I’m not asking for much. I’m not insisting we all become enlightened citizens of the world and watch “Eurovision,” that’s not gonna happen. But 30 minutes with commercials about a dad? A dad with problems, whose set-in-his-ways outlook is routinely challenged in amusing ways, or whatever? We can do that!

Bon Iver Announces Next Release Will Only Be Available by Carrier Pigeon

Posted on by Ben Friedman

EAU CLAIRE, Wisc. — Justin Vernon surprised fans by announcing the next highly anticipated Bon Iver release will only be available via carrier pigeon delivery, sources confirmed.

“Buying and discovering music used to be a beautiful thing. For the next record I wanted to deliver a bespoke, personal experience that’s also aligned with our aesthetic. Obviously, the best way to do this is to have it exclusively delivered by hundreds of trained carrier pigeons,” said Vernon. “The new album is about reconnecting with nature, and it would go against the spirit of the music to have it tossed at one’s front door by an ambivalent FedEx driver. Pigeons are truly one of the few loyal and true creatures, and I think we can trust them to deliver vinyl within a 700-mile radius of the Great Lakes.”

Fans who have preordered the album were intrigued but concerned by the logistics.

“I should’ve known there was a catch when that grizzled Western Union telegram guy arrived on horseback with a message that Bon Iver was dropping the new album via birdmail. I live in a 60 apartment complex, how the hell is it supposed to find me? I wonder if the building manager will install a pigeon coop,” said Emma Deal. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much looking forward to the album, but I have so many questions. Like, do I get to keep the pigeon and the vinyl? I tried contacting customer service, but all I found was a telegram line.”

Label reps from Jagjaguwar supported Vernon’s vision, as it aligned with other unique delivery methods.

“Is this practical? Hell no, but damn does it get people talking about the album and builds the band’s mythos. Bon Iver is one of our biggest artists so if we need to spend a little extra money upfront converting the pressing factory into a birdhouse, so be it,” said A&R rep Don Olivieri. “It’s not like we haven’t had artists think way outside the box before. I remember Angel Olsen coming to me about beaming ‘Big Time’ into the listener’s subconscious via an ethereal ray of light, and she knocked it out of the park. Turns out there are quite a lot of consumers out there who want to consume music without using Spotify.”

Bon Iver also announced the record’s special edition will ship next year via a peregrine falcon trained by Vernon himself.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week That Would Make Better Cabinet Picks Than This Nonsense

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week filled with new experiences, growth, and constant horrors. If you’ve been trudging through all of this without a good soundtrack, it’s no wonder you’ve been so despondent. It’s not really our place to judge, but we can’t stand seeing you like this. Here are six staff-picked songs to help turn your frown upside down or possibly just back into a neutral position.

Coheed and Cambria ‘Searching For Tomorrow’

The long-running front for selling comic books, Coheed and Cambria, announced their 11th album ‘The Father of Make Believe.’ Don’t worry, despite the title; this does not appear to be a prog-rock Christmas album, but rather a continuation of the band’s Amory Wars/Vaxis series. News of the album comes paired with the new single ‘Searching For Tomorrow,’ which finds the band dipping into their pop-prog bag a la ‘Favor House Atlantic’

Opeth ‘A Story Never Told’

Opeth’s latest masterpiece ‘The Last Will And Testament’ has been released and it already has fans in a frenzy. Some are calling it their best album since whatever their last album was. Upon listening, it’s not hard to imagine why. Over three decades into their career, Opeth still sounds fresh. ‘Last Will’ drives this point into the ground and offers something for fans of all eras of their storied career.

Glixen ‘Lick The Star’

If you’ve ever wanted to attend a sound bath performance but didn’t want your friends to ridicule you for months on end, Phoenix shoegaze up-and-comers, Glixen, might be for you. Their latest single ‘Lick The Star’ offers the dreamiest intro you’ve ever heard in your life before slamming you into a brick wall of fuzz. The track comes ahead of their newly announced EP ‘Quiet Pleasures,’ which we assume will save the genre once and for all.

Illuminati Hotties ‘December’ (Neck Deep cover)

Legendary pop-punk label, Hopeless Records, has been properly celebrating their 30th anniversary with their excellent singles series ‘Hopelessly Devoted To You.’ The series has already brought us a ton of great covers from the label’s roster, and this week we got one more. Illuminati Hotties have contributed a timely and excellent version of Neck Deep’s ‘December’ complete with exploding choruses and half-time breakdowns.

3GT ‘Watch the Clock’

White Reaper recently saw the departure of their rhythm section earlier in the year. Like many dealing with loss, lead singer Tony Esposito and keyboardist Ryan Hater decided to dance through it with a new side project. 3GT manages to combine the intensity of White Reaper’s frenetic rock sound with borderline EDM elements. It probably shouldn’t work, but it fucking shreds.

NOFX ‘The Decline’

Yesterday somehow marked the 25th anniversary of NOFX’s seminal 18 minute long opus ‘The Decline.’ While the track may have inspired countless other bloated and less necessary works from lesser artists, it also derailed countless band practices as bassists across the globe fruitlessly attempted to play some of the song’s most iconic lines. Rumor has it your estranged friend Greg finally nailed the part that’s ‘like, real high up on the neck’ but ‘forgot’ to hit the record button on his phone.

Shit! I Asked This Guy How He’s Doing And Now He’s Telling Me

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

I knew going into the office kitchenette was a mistake. I foolishly exchanged pleasantries with someone from accounting, I think his name is Harold but I really don’t know. Then I did something I will regret for the rest of my life, I asked how he’s getting on. Boy am I finding out.

Things aren’t going well at home apparently. Trouble with the wife. Kids don’t like him. Like I give a fuck. I only came in here to warm up my lunch, but he really seems to have latched onto me as some kind of moral support lifebuoy. He was supposed to say something like “Living the dream” or “Counting down the seconds until the weekend.” I’d politely laugh and then we could both move on, but no.

Don’t get me wrong. Mental health is super important, and I think it’s vital to have people in our lives we can be open and vulnerable with, I really do. It just shouldn’t be with me, especially at work. I wouldn’t mind so much if he occasionally asked for my opinion, or even stopped talking long enough for me to share it, but this is one-way traffic. He could be talking to the microwave for all the difference it’d make to the flow of conversation.

Honestly, it’s kind of impressive how determined he’s been to ignore the social cues that I’d like to wrap up the exchange and be alone with last night’s meatloaf. I keep saying “Well…” super loud and standing up out of my chair, but he persists and angles his body to block the door. I pretended to take an “emergency” phone call from my doctor and he just started talking louder. Nobody else has come into the room for at least five minutes now. They know what’s going on, the bastards.

To add insult to injury the guy started crying a couple of minutes ago. Not gently either. Like, really letting it out, shoulders shaking, pounding the counter with his fist, the whole shebang. Am I really the one who should be hearing all this? Surely the couples counselling he said he’s started going to should be a better outlet than a captive audience at work.

He says it’s great having someone to talk to at work, and he’s always considered me his best friend. Honestly, at this point I’m scared about what he might do if I cut this conversation off. By god if he asks me how I’m doing at the end of this I’ll tell him everything. Every last thing. Someone should hear it.

That’s what best friends are for right?

Hooters Announces Deadbeat Dads Eat Free on Sundays

Posted on by Doug Kolic

ATLANTA — Hooters officials announced a new promotion for their chain of nearly 500 restaurants nationwide to offer free food on Sundays to fathers who refuse to pay child support, according to customers pretending to dine there for the cuisine.

“Hooters is excited to offer this new campaign to our most loyal customers, deadbeats who spend most of their time in our eateries instead of with their attention-starved children,” stated CEO Terrance Marks. “We used to offer free grub for kids on Sundays, but it was a real flop because their fathers just showed up alone and denied that they had any offspring. Even though we’ll be taking a financial risk with this promo, we’re pretty sure that these dirtbags will just get shitfaced off too many Bud Lights and forget their wallets behind, so either way, we’ll be made whole.”

Local good-for-nothing dad Frank Russo was stoked about this new initiative.

“Would I be interested in free food while at the same time leering at young waitresses, all who think I’m cool and hilarious as fuck, instead of wasting money on my needy twins? Fuckin’ duh,” said Russo as he moved around what little money he had into a secret bank account. “I can’t think of another place I’d rather be, surrounded by like-minded folks who also roll up in their sweet Dodge Caravans and complain about spousal support. I’m just happy to finally find a place that appreciates me for me, unlike my family, friends, and that asshole judge.”

Hospitality expert April Hannon described how these types of restaurants largely depend on this demographic.

“Without these scumbags, the ‘breastaurant’ industry would simply cease to be,” Hannon explained. “These places rely on men who avoid their families at all costs, and who would rather spend their cash on eating overpriced wings just to ogle women wearing low-cut shirts and short shorts. Even though the restaurant industry as a whole is very challenging, these types of places are basically recession-proof as long as freeloaders and teenage boys looking for a place to celebrate their birthdays still exist.”

At press time, Hooters also announced Wednesdays would offer all-you-can-ribs for men going through nasty divorces who are in the process of faking their own deaths.

Opinion: Hulk Hogan’s Political Beliefs Are Irrelevant to Me Because I Haven’t Forgiven Him Since He Joined the nWo

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The results of this year’s presidential election will forever stand as a moment in which America, for the second time, looked in the mirror and saw a truly gnarled caricature of its own visage staring back. Many of us awoke on Wednesday, November 6th shocked at how the majority of our country chose to make their voices heard. How could our fellow citizens knowingly support someone with such a record of horribly flagrant violations of both the moral and legal order? For me, that shock still resonates for all but one of these so-called patriots, because I did not bat an eye when I saw Hulk Hogan struggling to tear his shirt in support of Donald Trump at Madison Square Garden. In fact, I had never forgiven him since he joined the New World Order (nWo.)

It was July of 1996, and World Championship Wrestling (WCW) was holding its third annual Bash at the Beach pay-per-view event. I had tuned in with my family, eager to see my favorite wrestlers compete honorably for the Heavyweight and Cruiserweight titles. I had noted (with no small amount of disgust) that The Outsiders (comprised of Kevin Nash and the late Scott Hall) had left the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) fully intending on “invading” the WCW. They had a scheduled tag team match against Macho Man Randy Savage, Sting and Lex Luger alongside a yet-to-be-named third teammate. I watched the opening matches with zeal, completely unaware that my world would come crumbling down around me as the headlining events unfolded.

Yes, the unnamed third teammate of Nash and Hall was Hulk Hogan.

I felt sick to my stomach as my hero stormed the ring and hit Macho Man Randy Savage with two Atomic Legdrops before throwing the referee out of bounds, thus ending the match in a no-contest. My whole perception of reality felt completely distorted as Hogan then told Gene Okerlund that his newfound alliance with Nash and Hall would “take over the wrestling business and destroy everything in their path.” Nothing made sense anymore.

So spare me your outrage, dear reader, as we see Hogan openly supporting the man who may very well act as the death knell for our beloved democracy almost 30 years later. That duplicitous bastard has long been unable to surprise me, yet sadly, I feel the past is prologue when it comes to Mr. Hogan, and we’re doomed to see his new team of ragtag outsiders disrupt Washington D.C. much like his nWo did to wrestling on that cursed summer evening so long ago.