As I Lay Dying Frontman Livid After Hitman Doesn’t Honor Buy One, Get One Free Promotion

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

OCEANSIDE, Calif. — As I Lay Dying frontman, and convicted felon, Tim Lambesis was caught on a home video having a meltdown after realizing the hitman he tried to hire in 2013 to murder his wife would not honor the buy one, get one free deal as advertised, worried sources confirmed.

“This is absolute crap. I’m going to report this piece of garbage to the Better Business Bureau and then he’s going to be bankrupt,” said Lambesis while pounding his feet. “It’s a sad state of affairs when you can’t trust the people you hire to kill the woman you married. This isn’t the America I once loved, I feel like I need to move to a country where men can kill their wives with no repercussions.”

At press time, Lambesis was leaving a scathing review of the hit man on Yelp.

Costco Rotisserie Chicken Replaces Bald Eagle as America’s National Bird

Posted on by Mike Maher

WASHINGTON — America’s longstanding symbol of freedom, the bald eagle, was replaced by the Costco rotisserie chicken as the official national bird, after a swift and unanimous bipartisan vote, salivating sources on Capitol Hill confirmed.

“Republicans and Democrats reached across the aisle to get this historic bill passed and grab a second helping,” Speaker of the House Mike Johnson said, deboning a drumstick. “Effective immediately, images of the Costco rotisserie chicken will replace the bald eagle on everything, everywhere, across America. This includes our great seal, government letterhead, quarters, Desert Storm t-shirts, and Air Force One, the plane and the film. I already covered up my bald eagle tramp stamp with a sweet rotisserie chicken backpiece, and even the greatest rock band of all time, The Eagles, have agreed to change their name. Well, everyone except that libtard Joe Walsh.”

Lifelong Costco shopper and retired bus driver Denise Jacaruso was emotionally overcome by the news.

“Hand to heart, I’ve never been prouder to be a card-carrying Costco member, or an American,” Jacaruso pledged. “What’s the big to-do about eagles anyway? They taste terrible! The rotisserie chicken, on the other hand, feeds my family of 11 multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. All for the inflation-proof price of $4.99. I even reuse the thermal ziplock bag it comes in as my daily tote. Not only is the Costco rotisserie chicken edible, it’s sustainable, and now, salutable!”

Tanya Erb, Director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, applauds the decision but has concerns.

“Listen, we’ve been kicking ass on the eagle’s behalf for long enough,” Erb said. “Countless man hours and taxpayer dollars were wasted saving those ungrateful shitbirds from extinction when honestly, they deserved to die off. Why? They’re apex assholes. Aggressive. Hate humans. And yeah I’ll say it…they ugly. But the Costco rotisserie chicken? That is one sexy bird. I’d give my left tit for a thigh right now. But protecting them is a whole different animal. They’re sitting ducks under those heat lamps, and Costco shoppers are absolute vultures. So I’m gonna do whatever it takes to make sure this isn’t the chicken’s swansong, or else my goose is cooked!”

At press time, the White House also revealed plans to make the American flag a scannable QR code, good for one dollar off at any KFC purchase, but restrictions and exclusions may apply.

Crap! I Only Had a Baby for Social Media Clout and Now I Have to Actually Teach It Stuff

Posted on by Ben Friedman

The best day of my life, after me and my wife’s lifestyle brand account hit 500,000 followers, was the birth of my son Brayden. Becoming a father is a life-altering experience, especially when you have to incorporate it into your brand. Chronicling my son’s discovery of the world around him on social media has been so rewarding, both spiritually and monetarily.

One thing I wasn’t prepared for was how I blinked and suddenly little Brayden is now four years old and I found myself saying “Oh fucking crap, I actually have to teach him how to do stuff.”

Having a kid seemed like a good idea at the time! We were like fuck it, nobody is engaging with our vacation photos so let’s pop out a kid, inform our followers that “So, we did a thing…” and then tell everyone our way of parenting is superior. You could only imagine how blindsided we were when he began to grasp object permanence and tried to stick a fork in a wall outlet.

Worse is that he actually shit in the training potty I was going to return after I filmed its unboxing video. Is this like an everyday thing, or can I just teach him to go free-range and poop in the backyard like the dog? Their turds are about the same size anyway.

He’s asking so many goddamn questions and it’s always when my wife is filming a “get ready with me” video. And I have to explain that no, Mommy doesn’t know how planes fly or why the sky is blue because she’s trying to rack up enough views to pay for our next trip. I tried taking him to the children’s science museum but they kicked us out because I was “filming kids without consent.”

OK, don’t panic. This is why Apple invented iPads. I just throw on some weird Russian families playing with toys and I can buy a few hours a day of shoring up our SEO. What are the chances he’ll stumble down a rabbit hole of right-wing propaganda, 60%? I’ll take those odds.

I wasn’t prepared for the fact that my sole responsibility as a parent is to raise a child to be a functioning member of society. Thankfully, there are other parenting social media accounts to do that for me! I guess it’s true that it takes a village to raise a child or in this case TikTok.

How to Create an Airtight Excuse to Miss Thanksgiving by Getting Attacked by the TSA Dogs

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

So, you don’t want to fly home for Thanksgiving but need to avoid the Greek tragedy level guilt trip you’ll receive from your mother if you simply decline. Maybe you’re scared you’ll flip the cranberry sauce and stuffing if talks become political, or maybe you’re just staying away from run-of-the-mill toxic family dynamics. If you’ve said “I’d rather get my ass bit by a Labrador in a vest than get on a plane for that shit,” we’ve got the guide for you. Here is our foolproof way to get attacked by the TSA dogs.

Ideally, you’ll just want to get a little nibble caused by a clear misunderstanding. This will give you all the evidence required without adding to your criminal record. For this, you’ll want to line your pants with cured meats. If you get lucky, this will be enough and a newbie dog will bite your tasty legs right then and there. You have to remember these are highly-trained dogs, so you might not be able to get it to notice your meat trap right away. There is a simple fix for that. Simply walk up to the TSA agent with the dog, tell them “You look exactly like a guy I went to school with who got accused of setting a Taco Bell on fire,” and while the agent is distracted you shove your meaty thigh violently in the dogs face, the dog won’t be able to resist.

If you’re serious about not being called a commie while eating a meal celebrating colonization, you’re going to need backups. Next, you’re going to want to act erratic. Babble, yell at some people, threaten to take your dick out, actually take your dick out. This will cause TSA to come over. These are not attack dogs, so you will need to subtly provoke the dog into attacking you. Your best bet? Start violently jerking around and reaching for the dogs genitals, it will instinctively latch onto your arm, and after being treated by an airport EMT and a standard detention process you will be released and free to go home to watch Netflix by yourself.

But even this may not be enough for the most well-trained canine. This is where you break out the airport security sign bingo card. You know the one. The dogs are trained to smell all these items. I’ve found a combo of 3 is the sweet spot. You could go weed, gun, lighter. Maybe biohazards, gasoline, knife. Poison, matches, bomb is a personal favorite. Don’t be afraid to get creative. There’s no reason you can’t have a little fun with it. Don’t worry, though. You will get bit.

Just remember, a little blood and some torn muscles are worth it. You’ll be spending your Thanksgiving thanking me in no time. Happy Holidays.

Viagra Boys Rushed to Hospital After Set Persists for More Than 4 Hours

Posted on by Shane Pauker

SAN FRANCISCO — Swedish crankwave band Viagra Boys were rushed to Zuckerberg General Hospital after their latest performance exceeded four hours in length, confirmed concerned sources.

“Their set went way longer than normal,” diehard fan Mike Danby noticed while attending the concert. “They usually don’t last very long — maybe 20 minutes if you’re lucky, a little longer if you focus on enjoying the opener — so I knew something was wrong right away. They were in the middle of a 35-minute extended version of ‘Sports,’ and the paramedics showed up just as the band finished listing the full roster of the ‘95 Bulls. Nobody really explained what happened, but I figure it must have been pretty painful to go for hours on end like that.”

Band members report they’ve made a full recovery from the incident.

“You see it happen to older acts, the Stones and the like; you just never think it’ll happen to you,” singer Sebastian Murphy acknowledged. “I can speak on behalf of the whole band when I thank the staff at Zuckerberg General. Your slow, bureaucratic care has gotten us just healthy enough to smoke four packs a day again and has inspired an album’s worth of new lyrics. Doctors have always warned us to seek medical attention if our set lasts more than four hours. But hey, at least the audience was left satisfied.”

Cardiologist Dr. Emmanuel Zorkin sees Viagra Boys’ prolonged setlist as a cautionary tale for aging musicians everywhere.

“I’ve seen painful, artificially extended sets from plenty of older punks trying to prove they’re still macho enough to not be posers,” Dr. Zorkin explained. “Every once-young punk thinks they’re invincible until they start struggling to perform. Just because you could crankwave every day in your room for hours on end as a teenager doesn’t mean you can still do that — and that’s okay. You can talk to your doctor about specific ways to healthily improve your scene cred as you get older, but the key word is moderation. If crankwave is important to you, try limiting yourself to only one Viagra Boys, Fontaines DC, or IDLES album per day.”

At press time, Dr. Zorkin was seen overprescribing Morphine’s “Cure for Pain” to otherwise healthy patients.

Overloaded Power Strip Venue’s Only Source of Heat

Posted on by Rob Ryder

BALTIMORE — Local venue the Rusty Nut is reported to be heated by a single eight-outlet power strip, confirmed several sources with burn marks on their hands.

“After we opened the venue the first few shows were great, but when colder weather arrived the crowds started to dip,” said Terry Morgan, sound man for the Rusty Nut. “But then this metal band played a show and they had seven full stack amps and like 30 pedals to power up. I grabbed this old power strip we found in a dumpster and just plugged everything in. During sound check we noticed the temperature went up about 25 degrees in a few minutes, by show time, it was a balmy 83 degrees. If only there was a way to get his strip to act like an air conditioner in the summer. Our HVAC fan is our only source of cooling in July.”

Venue manager Greg Pullman said the creative wiring in the venue was all his own design.

“The building had several issues when we moved in, obviously this fixed the heating problem, but also helped with a stage wiring issue,” said Pullman while using a drumstick to jam a circuit breaker in the on position. “The stage only has one plug, so a power strip was needed to handle the amps and accessories. Fortunately that one plug is rated at 15 amps, and we’ve only ever plugged seven into it. After that, it’s just about finding the right balance where the power strip gets hot, but doesn’t completely set the stage, bar, and audience members ablaze. I can definitely find that balance, as long as Terry doesn’t try to make a fucking hot pocket right before showtime.”

Electrical Inspector Dwayne Cleery evaluated the venue during the permitting process, but felt there wasn’t much he could do.

“Where to fucking start, I approved the permit because they promised to do some upgrades, but that whole building should be torn down right away,” said Cleery while ripping up any evidence of his involvement in the building inspection. “That place is definitely going to burn down from something, but it’s such a goddamn mess it’ll be hard for the fire marshall to pinpoint what actually started the fire. If I had to venture a guess, that soda gun leaking directly onto exposed wires behind the bar will probably do it.”

At press time, staff at the Rusty Nut were trying to find a way to create a water heater with another power strip.

Where Are They Now? Those Bouncers That Told Me I Was Too Drunk To Come In but I Ran Past Them Anyway

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Life can go by in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re rolling up to the bar with your crew, boasting about all the Jameson you drank while pretending to WFH, and the next you’re being placed in a chokehold and barred from going inside by a bunch of fascists who say you’re “out of control”.

That’s what happened to me recently when a few bouncers from “The Drunk Skunk” decided to redirect their unhappy childhood rage onto me, just because of my incoherent and belligerent state. Luckily for me, I don’t take the word “no” for an answer and was able to get past their blockade after distracting them with a well-timed faux epileptic fit that I’m famous for.

So now that I’m hiding in this bathroom stall until the coast is clear, let’s take a look back and ask: where are these goons now?

Bouncer Who Looked Like Vin Diesel
He was the first to suspect that I might have had a wee bit too much to drink after he caught me pounding back cans of hard cider outside. He had a great sense of humor too, asking me how I “liked them apples” as he socked me in the breadbasket after I playfully asked him how his wife felt being married to a limp-dick loser. Looks like he’s headed outside, I’m clear.

Bouncer with Ponytail
This guy was alright. He eventually convinced the other guys that maybe I was having a real seizure and that they needed to stop wailing on me and call an ambulance, which was the opportunity I needed to run the fuck past them. Thanks for the compassion, sucker! He’s nowhere near the bar so I think I’m okay for a refill.

Brother of Bouncer with Ponytail
This guy was pretty forgettable other than being the younger brother of Ponytail guy, something I overheard them mention as I relieved myself by the front entrance. To be honest, I don’t really care where he is today. There’s only one thing I hate more than bouncers, and that’s nepo baby bouncers. Plus, I’m pretty sure his fists did the most damage to my face.

Cop Looking for Me in this Bathroom
Where is this guy now? Seriously, I need to know. He just came in a few minutes ago twirling his baton with bad intentions. If you know where he is, can you please just whisper it through the gap of this stall so I can make another run for it?

Warhammer 40K Meetup Surprisingly Uninterested in Custom Bolt Thrower Playlist

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CINCINNATI — Bolt Thrower fan Harold Rodriguez was disappointed in the reaction to his custom playlist by fellow members of his Warhammer 40K meetup, sources report.

“I don’t get it, dude,” Rodriguez mentioned while dejectedly mustering his army of Space Marines. “I joined this group just assuming that this was also a Bolt Thrower meetup by default, but they are clearly not receptive at all to this sick-ass playlist I put together from their first three albums. I was hoping that iconic riff from the beginning of ‘What Dwells Within’ would get their heads banging, but Scott actually got up and turned down the volume on my Apple HomePod. Does this mean I actually have to focus on the game now? It’s actually kind of boring, and not nearly as cool as Bolt Thrower makes it out to be.”

Fellow Warhammer 40K player Jerome Sager was not happy about the unrequested musical addition to the game.

“This is the third time this has happened this month,” Sager sighed. “I’m trying to get my Adeptus Custodes into unit coherency, and this dude is playing music that sounds like the literal apocalypse. I’m not huge into music, but if I want to listen to something while playing, Chevelle or Breaking Benjamin is about as heavy as I get. It’s gotten to the point where I consider walking out when I see some new guy with long-hair and a black shirt come in, because I know it’s coming. The last guy almost got us kicked out of this Panera Bread, and it looks like it might happen again. I can already see some customers giving us dirty looks.”

Sociologist Stephanie Tanaka weighed in on the situation.

“There is often a disconnect between fanbases of extreme metal and the sources of many of its themes,” Tanaka offered. “It’s not uncommon for a fan of black metal to assume that other members of their fantasy book groups listen to Gorgoroth, and I’ve conducted several case studies of people mistakenly playing technical death metal at science fiction conventions. I actually wrote my dissertation on the pervasiveness of Mortician in the playlists of horror expo DJs. Metalheads would benefit from being a bit more unassuming in their social activities.”

At press time, Rodriguez had left the meetup, and was bringing his new Carcass playlist to his MCAT study group.

Lead Singer Feels No Need to Tell Crowd He Can’t Hear Them After They Do A Legitimately Good Job Screaming The First Time

Posted on by Stephen Bell

JACKSONVILLE – Lead singer of the alt-rock band Up Above declined to tell the audience he couldn’t hear them as they legitimately did a very good job of screaming the first time they were prompted to do so, sources report.

“I pride myself on being an honest person,” said lead singer Kevin Barret. “Which is why when I heard the crowd scream their cacophonous asses off when I asked them ‘are you ready to rock,’ I knew I couldn’t follow up with the stereotypical ‘I can’t hear you.’ I could hear them—very clearly, in fact. They were legitimately loud as hell, it startled me. It would have felt like cruel gaslighting to try and tell them that I couldn’t and I don’t want them to question their sanity. If I had lied to them then I’d be no better than Dave Grohl lying to his wife.”

Excited concertgoers were legitimately proud of what they had achieved that night.

“I have been to dozens of their shows, and the lead singer will always say they can’t hear us,” said longtime fan Erika Strauss. “But it happened. We finally screamed loud enough for them to not tell us to scream again. Every frontman will patronize the crowd by telling them they’re the best damn crowd in the world, except this time, I think we really were. All my hard work finally paid off. I’ve been screaming in my office bathroom for weeks on my lunchbreak to prepare for this. All the meetings with HR telling me to stop because I’m scaring people were worth it.”

The sound operator for the show said that they are pumped to have gotten a recording, because they don’t think they’ll ever get a better crowd noise sample.

“Everyone knows the Wilhelm scream as a famous audio clip that gets used in many movies and TV shows,” said sound operator David Chan. “Well, I can’t wait until I upload this crowd noise online because it will become the standard. This will be the sample played during epic battles in films. This will be the clip that football teams pipe into their stadiums when the Patriots try to cheat. This noise will be the noise cops use to scare away homeless people from their encampments. That’s how ear-splittingly loud this crowd was.”

At press time, it was confirmed that Barret was no longer able to hear the crowd as they had ruptured his now profusely bleeding eardrums.

Opinion: If I Had to Trade My Sobriety for One Thing, I Think It Would Be the Ability To Get as Fucked up as Humanly Possible Whenever I Felt Like It All the Time

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

You know what the worst part about being sober is? I’ll let you guess. Okay, answer time: the fact that I can’t get rip-roaring drunk whenever I want, which is all the time. But here’s the thing: AA says that even if you haven’t drank for five or 10 years, you’re still an alcoholic. So if we’re resorting to name-calling, then I may as well look the part, right? I’m still going to wear my bathrobe everywhere and scream at my roommates when they’re getting ready for work in the morning for disturbing my slumber.

Whenever somebody refers to me as a “dry drunk,” it’s just their way of calling me an asshole, which is pretty on the nose. But at least back in my drinking days, I had an excuse for my reprehensible behavior. “Sorry, I just got so hammered” was such a banger line that would temporarily get me out of trouble until I displayed the same exact behavior, without fail, just a few days later. But these days, when I promise to drive my friend to the airport and bail at the last minute because a new episode of The Penguin came out, and I also had no intention of driving them in the first place, suddenly I’m pushing things too far.

Speaking of driving, next time somebody asks me if I want a soda for the road, I’m going to punch them in the throat. Let me be very clear here– “road sodas” aren’t the same when you’re sober. Apparently you’re being offered an actual fucking can of soda. There’s 46 grams of sugar and a healthy dose of Red 40 in a can of Mountain Dew Code Red. Are you kidding me? If I’m going to poison myself for the love of the game, then there has to be an upside.

What, are you going to tell me that there’s a timeless thrill to pounding seven Diet Cokes and getting behind the wheel? I can assure you that until you get pulled over, hop out of the car, throw the keys into the marsh, and pound a pint of vodka before a field sobriety test can be administered with skewed numbers because they can’t tell for certain whether you were drinking before the altercation, you’ll never know the true, unbridled joy that comes with pounding road sodas with reckless abandon like a boss.

But perhaps the worst part about sobriety is the feeling of feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a mushy and sentimental guy… I’m talking about literal physical pain. Sure, there’s the emotional pain of being dumped by your girlfriend for making yet another scene at her family reunion (I pissed on the charcuterie board), but even worse, I can’t do a backflip off the deck into the bushes as a party trick without being down for the count for at least a week. Offer me all the LaCroix and Spindrift you want, but you’re not going to see any more cool stunts because the “government” says I’m “a danger to myself and others” when I get shitfaced, and I have the ankle bracelet to prove it.