Andrew Keith Spaulding, Author at HARDTIMES

American Woman More Ranch Than Flesh At This Point

Posted on June 10, 2022 by John Danek

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Upholsterer Gianna Andrews stunned friends, family, and biologists with the discovery that her body consists more of ranch dressing than any other substance including water and blood.

“I had a feeling something like this would happen ever since we were teens,” stated lifelong friend Paula Conrad, who is admittedly more of a bleu cheese fan herself. “Gianna would slather slices of pizza with a fully opaque layer of ranch, or suck up the remainder in a bowl of salad with a straw. Utterly heinous, unforgivable behavior. But I love her, which is why I’m worried. There haven’t been any conclusive studies on cardiovascular capacity with regards to high ranch content. Yet she seems fine, for now. Let’s hope it stays that way.”

Andrews remains steadfast in her quest to fill the insatiable thirst for more and more ranch.

“Everyone is overreacting, I’m fine! They’re just making fun of me because I have a quirky love for ranch,” declared Andrews, who is starting to show dark flecks of peppercorns in her otherwise white eyeballs. “But it’s my body and my life—if I choose to wind down after a stressful day at the upholstery shop with a warm glass of Ken’s Chef’s Reserve Farmhouse Ranch with Buttermilk, that is no one’s business except for mine. Some are saying that ranch shouldn’t be the only fluid entering and leaving the body, and I’m here to prove the haters wrong.”

Researchers are astounded, dumbfounded, and profoundly disturbed by Andrews’ augmented physiology.

“A nurse tried to draw a blood sample, and it looked like when you mix ranch and Frank’s Red Hot. An understudy confused the mixture for buffalo sauce and dipped his turkey sandwich in it,” admitted Dr. Raymond Gass, Professor of Biology at the University of Alabama. “She should be dead, full stop. The fact that she is alive and still consuming even more ranch dressing defies everything I ever learned in school. Hemoglobin, spinal fluid, mucus, muscle—all of these are leaving Gianna’s body to make room for more ranch. I simply don’t understand it. David Cronenberg couldn’t fathom something this horrifying.”

At press time, Andrews did assure those around her that she draws the line at dipping her pizza in the condiment as “this ain’t some Ohio-ass bullshit, grow up.”

We Sat Down with Bono While Our Cult De-Programmers Kidnapped the Rest of the Band

Posted on June 10, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

U2 is one of history’s biggest and most acclaimed bands, and a lot of that acclaim has to do with the legendary stage presence and charisma of lead singer Bono. We were lucky enough to score an interview with the band, which allowed us to reach out to the families of the rest of the band, who have been unable to contact them for years.

We’re getting paid $1500 apiece to kidnap and de-program The Edge, Larry Mullins Jr, and Adam Clayton after decades of indoctrination, and all we have to do is keep Bono occupied for a few minutes.

The Hard Times: Hi Bono. Hello. It’s good to meet you. Can we offer you anything? What kind of water do you like? We have a lot of kinds of water.
Bono: No thanks, I’m fine.

Seriously, it’s not a program. Problem, we mean. We have tap water, spring water, smart water, mineral water… uh, let us think for a minute, what other kinds of water are there that we can mention without anyone looking anywhere but right at us.
I’m good on water.

Okay…how’d you get that name, Bono? It’s probably a really complicated story with lots of digressions, right? Take up at least 20 minutes or so, we bet.
My buddy Gavin called me that when we were teenagers. Just kind of stuck. What’s that noise?

There’s no noise in the other room! That’s not what the sound of three grown men struggling as someone puts a bag over their heads sounds like. Okay, damn. How about this: starvation in Africa?
It’s a complicated issue.

Fuck, man. That’s the briefest you’ve ever been about anything. We saw a video once where you talked about apartheid for like two hours between songs.
Well, a live performance is different from an interview. Have you seen The Edge or Paul? Those guys are supposed to be here.

Oh, they’re…around. So, what’s “With or Without You” about? It’s such a yearning, heartfelt song. Do you want to describe the rich emotions of the experience and maybe go into the recording process?
It’s about giving up smoking pot. Are those zip ties poking out of your pocket?

No, they’re not. Uh, tell us about the rich heritage of American songwriting and spare no detail about things Bob Dylan has said to you, okay?
Okay, I definitely heard The Edge scream for help.

He’s getting help you monster! I mean uh, is it true you one bought a first class airplane ticket for a pair of sunglasses?
Guards!

At that point, some armed guards ran in and took off after the official Hard Times unmarked van and Bono just threw a smoke bomb down on the floor. We should have charged more than $1500.

I Want My MTV! You Have 24 Hours or The Senator’s Daughter Gets It

Posted on June 10, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Hey, what’s up, dudes and dudettes! I’m here to say I have a gnarly need for some radical music videos from the hottest musical acts around, from Billy Idol to Pat Benatar to the young people’s favorite, Pete Townshend! I want to see music videos 24/7 and I want some awesome hot pink animated graphics! I want my MTV!

You have 24 hours to get my MTV, or the Senator’s daughter gets it. Understand?

Listen, home buuuuuddies, you might be used to hearing boring grandpa music on your dusty old radios, but someone like me needs to turn up the intensity to the MAX. To the totally MAX. That’s why when I feel the need for some bitchin’ tunes, I need my MTV!

Do not try to find me. Do not deviate from my instructions in any way. Do not attempt to send Kurt Loder to the scene, gripping and poignant as his coverage would be. If I so much as suspect that your precious FBI Special Agent Lance Flint is trying to find the location of Senator Kilready’s daughter Hannah, she will suffer.

Do not test my patience.

All you have to do is provide me with some of those tight, tight music videos playing on a constant rotation. I’m talking Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield!” I’m talking David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance!” I’m talking the groundbreaking, totally bodacious “Walk This Way” video by Run D.M.C. featuring Aerosmith!

Does this lock of beautiful, lustrous blonde hair look familiar? I bet it does, Senator Kilready. Remember, hair isn’t the only thing that can be cut off your daughter. All it takes to prevent this is…MY goddam MTV.

If I am not sitting deeply in an oversized leather armchair wearing a pair of sunglasses while the sheer force of MTV on the television set sitting on the floor a few feet away from me blows my tie and a nearby lampshade back with gale-force winds, the Senator’s daughter will regret it. She will regret it most heinously indeed.

There will be no more warnings. There will be no more messages. FBI Special Agent Lance Flint is not to involve himself in my affairs or my music videos this time, cheeeuh! All it takes for Hannah Kilready to be returned to her loving parents is my MTV. Do not underestimate my most triumphant words.

Give me my MTV.

End communication.

Bassist Tosses Fingers Into Crowd Before Walking Off Stage

Posted on June 9, 2022 by Jake Spanier

NEW YORK — Layne Morris, the bassist of death metal outfit Crystal Casket, caused a scramble between audience members who attempted to retrieve the fingers he tossed into the crowd before exiting the stage, multiple sources with blood-stained shirts confirmed.

“When I saw Layne pull out gardening sheers I made sure I was in the right position to grab at least one finger,” said fan Robert Ellis, clutching a bloody clump of bar napkins. “When I felt a warm mist and it sort of tasted like pennies I knew he was about to make my dreams come true. He’s the reason I picked up a bass. I know he’s got sponsorships, so it probably doesn’t cost him anything to give stuff like this away, but it really shows that he’s always thinking of the fans.”

Morris greeted fans at Crystal Casket’s merch table after the show, where he reportedly howled through clenched teeth as rail vodka was poured over what remained of his hand.

“Metal used to be dangerous and I want to bring that spirit back,” said an increasingly pale Layne, fashioning a tourniquet out of his studded belt. “Now I look out there and all I see are a bunch of well-groomed dudes drinking hard seltzer and stopping the pit every ten seconds to look for someone’s glasses. I want to bring risk back into the equation. Euronymous, GG Allin, those guys took risks. If personal safety is your top priority, maybe a metal show isn’t the place for you. I lose pints of blood every single night, my doctor has no idea how I’m still alive, but you don’t see me crying about it.”

Longtime bandmate Brent Spaulding noted that Moriss’ behavior is part of an escalating pattern of one-upmanship between the two that has spanned more than a decade.

“We’ve basically been rivals since the day he joined the band. If I play fast, he plays faster. If I eat three gas station chili dogs, he eats four. If I get laid on tour, he starts a family in the next city,” said Spaulding. “I respect the hell out of the guy, but how much longer can this go on? Part of me wants to concede and tell him he’s won, to break the cycle forever and just go back to being friends that make music together. But in my heart I know it’s too late. Our lethal trajectory is set and all we can do is pick up speed as we barrel into the gaping jaws of ruin.”

At press time, Spaulding was overheard asking if they make t-shirt cannons big enough for a person to climb inside.

Sad: This EDM Scenester Is in It for the Music

Posted on June 9, 2022 by Dan Rice

For as long as there have been shows, there have been drugs at shows. There’s just one problem: Music is very hard.

One day the Joy Division producer guy had a brilliant idea: “What if we did away with the pretense of enjoying music altogether, and the whole thing was essentially a drug market?” He hired a few “DJs” to cobble together sounds that legally qualified as music, and the EDM scene was born!

While the popularity of the EDM scene has seen its highs and lows over the last 3 decades or so it still persists and just won’t die, and for one very specific reason: Cops hate loud noises. Unfortunately, one young man seems to be unaware of this fact, and pretty confused in general.

Eric Hernandez goes to EDM shows for the music. This sad sack is so desperate to be a part of something that he has somehow managed to convince himself that he enjoys literal noise produced as a smokescreen for the buying, selling and use of illegal narcotics.

Eric’s enthusiasm for electronic music is confusing and alienating to everyone around him, most especially those within the scene. Here’s what a few of his “idols and contemporaries in all things beatz” had to say:

“He came up to me outside the venue and went on and on about what a great ‘set’ I did, and I’m all like ‘yeah yeah, what you need?’ but he just kept going about how good my music was. I was just like “what the fuck are you talking about?” but, I guess he digs it? I mean, he called it ‘music.’ Weirdest experience I’ve ever had in my life, hands down.”
Tripp Sellz, EDM “DJ”

“At first I thought he was a cop but like, pretending to enjoy EDM? I think even a cop is smarter than that!”
Cindy Wellman, EDM “Fan”

“I thought maybe the poor guy just needed a friend, so I tried to be his friend, but you know what he wanted to do when we hung out? Listen to and talk about EDM. Maybe his brain is damaged? That’s the kindest explanation I can think of.”
Jimmy Perns, EDM “Fan,” “Healer”

“If I could score molly literally anywhere else, I would. The fact that this dude is here sober and of his own volition is fucking ponderous to me, and frankly unnerving.”
Abby Rodriguez, “Sound tech”

“I’m an inch away from tossing his weirdo-ass outta here for good. People work hard to organize these shows as a front for drug related business. People love drugs, and space is limited. Right now there’s some poor 15 year old kid looking to try acid for the first time and he can’t get in because this asshole took his spot. Anyone here who doesn’t have the intent to buy or sell is basically stealing from the scene.”
Bill Stubbs, Bouncer

Hey, if you’re an EDM fan then make sure you check out Your EDM and follow them on your social media platform of choice @youredm

This Sweet Godsmack Sticker Under the Urinal Cake Might Come Off if I Give It a Good Yank

Posted on June 9, 2022 by Zachary Wolf

Determination is the key to success. Personally, I define success as achieving goals that require perseverance. I’m not one to go for low-hanging fruit. I prefer a challenge. So if I can focus, buckle down, and give it a good yank, I bet I can get this sweet Godsmack sticker off this urinal.

I know it’s gross but they’re my third favorite band. Sure they’re not as popular as when they first came out but they had some really solid tunes. “FML,” “Whatever,” “Voodoo,” and so many more! “I’m not the one who’s so far away…” from that sticker! Plus it’s a rare one too, which is why I’m going to remove it with my bare cuticles.

I don’t want to mess the colors up more than they already are. The original background was black though, not that dark brown-orange color. But just look at the flames, the thick racing stripes, and the tribal sun rays. That’s high art.

See the slightly peeled-up corner? I won’t have to shove my thumbnail too far under it and then I’ll give it a really good yank. Sometimes you get those cheap stickers that come off in a million pieces when you try to peel them off, but not this one. It looks strong. If I have to pull the sticker tight and painstakingly scrape the little glue off from between it and the porcelain then so be it.

That sticker does not belong on a urinal. It should be on my Jeep or vape pen or something, not stuck here looking at pee holes all day. Look at it standing proud while these drunk guys drain their veins all over it, never knowing that they’re emptying the tank on art.

Okay, I’m going for it. Can you hold my beer though? I don’t want to set it on the floor. There are some really disgusting people here tonight.

Bottoms Unionize, Ask Tops for List of Demands

Posted on June 9, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Bottoms from all over Kings County have formally announced their intent to unionize, their representative recently said during a press conference.

“We, the submissives of Bushwick, have worked tirelessly for our dominants for far too long without the proper recognition, benefits, or compensation. It’s time for this to end,” said Vernon Windsor, the union representative and token switch. “As is customary with collective bargaining, we’d like to, um, enter negotiations, and we’d really like if the tops would go ahead and take care of the whole ‘list of demands’ thing. We really should have done this from the start but I guess you have to learn somewhere. Thank you, Mistress.”

Union member Rainer Poole provided some insight into the organizing process.

“This was a pretty straightforward effort, to be honest. The service subs were super eager and easy to work with,” Poole said while thoroughly cleaning a pair of Doc Martens that were definitely not theirs. “But I’ll be honest with you—the brat contingent proved difficult to win over. I honestly think those guys just get off on being snippy little contrarians. We got them in the end, though, when ‘Sir’ Vernon Walters threatened to use his ‘Top Voice.’ That shut ‘em up and made ‘em cum real quick.”

The tops were quick to respond with a counter-offer during negotiations, as usual.

“We, the tops, have heard your announcement and are honestly a little impressed. Very good job!” the top representative Mistress Sterling said, patronizingly smirking. “We went ahead and put together a list of chores and assignments for you all, and we expect them to be done in a timely fashion, and we will be listening for you to ask for permission, won’t we?”

“And if you’re extra good, we promise to make the reward worth your while,” they added.

Upon realizing that the tops misunderstood their request, the flustered bottoms still promptly agreed to take care of all of this for them, not a problem!

Photo by Jana Miller.

Guitarist Just Getting Out Of Long-Term Band Not Looking For Anything Serious Right Now

Posted on June 8, 2022 by Bobby Korec

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Heartbroken guitarist Wayne Kellington just got out of his long-term punk band Cranial Input and is admittedly not looking for anything too serious right now, sources who reminded him there are plenty of bands in the sea confirmed.

“At the moment, I’m only interested in a no strings attached one-night band practice,” said Kellington while Instagram-stalking his ex-band from high school to see what they had been up to. “My last band was together for a good five years, which is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in unless you count my girlfriend who I’ve been with for eight. Regardless, I just want to have some fun and play the field right now before jumping back into something serious. However, I might be willing to partake in some sort of ‘band with benefits’ type situation in the meantime. Absolutely no drama though.”

It’s no secret that Kellington has been playing with other bands in an attempt to get over his previous one.

“He got pretty emotional when we played a cover of ‘Holiday in Cambodia’ which I guess his old band used to cover on special occasions and anniversaries,” said Kaleigh Harris, drummer for the band The Christopher Lloyd. “He recently joined us at one of our practices and he really felt like ‘the one’ who could complete our band. But when he didn’t return our phone calls and straight-up ghosted us I realized he merely saw us as some sort of floozy. Total dick move.”

Experts compared the experience of being in a band with other forms of human connection.

“A band is exactly like a romantic relationship, so you might go through a period after a rough breakup where you’re downright reckless with your actions,” said music historian Rebecca Flynter. “For example, most musicians need a ‘rebound’ band or two after experiencing a serious breakup. Look no further than Dave Grohl. Once Nirvana was forced to break up, that guy jumped around from band to band, like Queens of the Stone Age, Them Crooked Vultures, and that decades-long fling that’s somehow still going on called Foo Fighters. He’s clearly still reeling from emotional anguish.”

At press time, Kellington revealed that he was getting back with his old band but vowed that “this time would be different.”

Photo by Craig Howe.

Help! I Told Everyone That I Liked This Album but Then Anthony Fantano Reviewed It and It Became Objectively Bad

Posted on June 8, 2022 by Dustin Newman

Last week I found my new favorite album. I listened to it immediately after it came out and I thought it was great! I told all my music-loving friends about it and invited them all over for a listening party next week. I told them to be prepared for an album that mastered indie rock while redefining it completely. I knew I was about to up my music cred with my whole friend group. At least that’s what I thought before I clicked on The Needle Drop review of the album and found out I was apparently wrong. Help!

I clicked the link and my heart sank immediately when the yellow flannel shirt I’d expected was nowhere to be seen. How can Anthony Fantano not see how heartbreakingly beautiful this album is the way I do? Even more heartbreaking is the thought that all my friends are gonna watch it too and think I have bad taste.

I can’t believe I told everyone whose opinion I care about that I loved an album that is now objectively bad. Even worse, now I think I have bad taste! How could I have been so wrong about what I liked? I was on a real hot streak too. The last three albums I recommended were only met with two “meh”s and one person even gave it an exclamation point react in the group chat. Now any credibility I had built up is gone.

This is the last time I base my music taste on an ARTV video.

Oh No: 35-Year-Old in Community College Class Trying to Better Self Raises Hand

Posted on June 8, 2022 by Brendan Krick

HARRISBURG, Pa. — 35-year-old community college student and single mother Rebecca Steiner has bummed everybody out by raising her hand to contribute some sort of little anecdote, her exhausted, stoned, or apathetic teenage classmates have confirmed.

“As a mother, I have a lot of wisdom to share with my philosophy class, like how I get to see the nature versus nurture experiment play out right in front of me,” Steiner stated. “I do everything I can to raise my kids the right way, but I still see their father Dale in their personalities, like when Benjamin set his babysitter on fire. That’s classic Dale.”

Steiner, who last attended college 16 years ago before getting pregnant, has consistently raised her hand at least once per class period to overshare a bizarre personal story tangentially related to the lesson being discussed according to her classmates.

“I don’t care about what you learned working a dead end job for ten years, and I certainly don’t want to hear about how having a child changed your outlook,” complained 18-year-old Matt Giovingo. “God, her life is so dark. I just put my headphones in everytime I hear her say, ‘As a mother…’ She never comes out and says it but I think she wants us to piece together that he’s in prison for life after murdering a convenience store clerk. God, this woman’s life is so dark. I don’t even know why she’s trying to better herself this late in life. The world doesn’t need another dental hygienist.”

Not everyone was so negative about Steiner’s contributions. 29-year-old Karl Briggins shared his appreciation for her unique perspective.

“I felt the same way as these kids about the older students when I was in community college the first time, but then I dropped out and worked at Autozone for eight years, gained some humility, and now, coming back as an adult…” Briggins trailed off, eyes widening. “Oh god, I’m one of the old people in class.”

At press time, Briggins was seen raising his hand to share an unnecessary, non sequitorial life lesson he’d learned having an argument with his father-in-law.

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