10 Indie Sleaze Bands You Probably Forgot About Because You Spent Your 20s Blackout Drunk

It’s finally happened, Millennials. Younger generations have discovered and repackaged our early 2000s indie subculture (which itself was already a repackaging of earlier subcultures) and turned it into a glib TikTok trend. While the continued commodification of our youth is gross, the ascension of Indie Sleaze has lead to the rediscovery of many great bands. Sure, the big acts like Jack White, the Strokes, and Yeah Yeah Yeahs have maintained varying degrees of relevance, but what about all those bands from the bottom of the Pitchfork Music Festival poster? These are 10 indie sleaze bands you probably forgot about.

CSS

Not to be confused with a popular computer programming language, the difficult to Google Cansei De Ser Sexy (more commonly referred to as CSS) wrote dance-punk tunes tailormade to fuel drunken, string-light illuminated dorm room parties. They are also, along with LCD Soundsystem, members of a very exclusive club of Indie Sleaze bands whose biggest hit namedrops another indie sleaze artist (in CSS’s case, the hipster anthem “Let’s Make Love and Listen to Death from Above.”)

Miike Snow

Remember how smug you felt telling everyone that Miike Snow isn’t a guy but instead the name of the band? You used to be cool, remember? You rode a ten speed and wore American Apparel briefs. Now you work in a cubicle. What happened to you?

Justice

No, not those guys. I’m talking about the other French electronic duo. The ones that are not robots (at least as far as we know). Justice has only released three albums since 2007’s “Cross,” the most recent coming in 2016. However, you do have them to thank for ensuring every American Millennial knows how to spell “D.A.N.C.E.” no matter how badly the US school system failed us.

Art Brut

You almost certainly never wondered “what if Mark E. Smith?” was funny, but the answer to that question is Art Brut frontman Eddie Argos. The London band injected some much needed self-deprecating humor into an otherwise dour scene that included self-serious bands as Bloc Party and the Bravery (both of whom Argos coincidentally had beef with back in the day).

Junior Senior

 

Ok, I may not like the term “Indie Sleaze” but I can’t think of a better phrase that encapsulates Junior Senior. With their jean jackets, distressed visors, danceable indie pop, and album covers seemingly ripped from an IPod commercial, this duo was one of the sleaziest Indie Sleaze bands to ever sleaze.

Peter Bjorn & John

While “Writer’s Block” was a great album, “Young Folks” was an absolute song of the summer contender in 2006. Back then you probably imagined this banger was written just for you and all your friends. But it, in fact, wasn’t written for you. You were just on ecstasy.

The Von Bondies

If you remember the Von Bondies, it’s likely for one of two reasons – the lead singer getting into a fist fight with Jack White, and for penning the theme song to a Dennis Leary TV show about an alcoholic firefighter haunted by 9/11. The band released their last album in 2009 and disbanded in 2011, but for what it’s worth “c’mon c’mon” still rips.

The Rapture

Unfortunately for conservative Christians, this was not the Rapture they were anticipating when Obama took office. But for a solid decade there, it was impossible to go to any faux-dive with a dance floor and not hear “House of Jealous Lovers” on any given weekend.

Mando Diao

Yes, a THIRD Swedish band. Believe it or not, from 2002-2006 Indie Sleaze was Sweden’s top export, briefly edging out reliable luxury cars and trendy clothing with cheap stitching. Actually, considering H&M is from Sweden, the nordic country was definitely having a moment in the Aughts.

The Blood Brothers

Yes, The Blood Brothers featured two singers – one guttural and deep and one high-pitched and whiny. And their songs had titles like “Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck” and “My First Kiss at the Public Execution.” But believe it or not, they were not emo. Instead they made danceable post-hardcore perfect for thrashing about in your childhood bedroom while sporting a youth medium thrift store shirt for a marathon you never ran.

Every Ween Album Ranked

Ween has no bad albums. Sorry, it’s true. They have great albums I listen to all the time and great albums that I’ll go years without playing only to play them again so obsessively that I feel like harm will come to my family if I stop. People can dismiss them or appreciate them for their goofiness or the completely accessible drugginess of their early work. Me? I love them for their genre-defying catalog and their resolute approach to creating listenable proto-memery (aka ‘art’). Sure, some Ween songs sound like a joke; “Flies on My Dick” comes to mind involuntarily. But the absurdity of early songs like “Touch My Tooter” makes them all the more head-scratchingly awesome when they rip that shit live. Who am I to rank these albums? I’m the guy that sat down and ranked these albums. So strap on that jammy pac, rub some lotion on that boardwalk Boognish tattoo, and see why the below Ween ranking is 100% accurate and confirmed by ChatGPT.

10. Pure Guava (1992)

Sure, it’s got some bangers like “Tender Situation,” “Don’t Get 2 Close (2 My Fantasy),” and “Hey Fat Boy (Asshole),” but it’s also the album that has resulted in countless barroom “conversations” with undeservedly confident, slobbery dudes who keep spitting in your face claiming the band is a one-hit wonder because “Push th’ Little Daisies” was on Beavis and Butt-Head.

Play it again: “Big Jilm”
Skip it: “Little Birdy” First song be damned, it’s like pouring the first sip out.

 

9. La Cucaracha (2007)

Lots of Ween fans place this album last, but it’s the origin of one of the best Ween songs in existence: the reflective “Friends” which emerges from its chrysalis as a VapoRubby party anthem (remixed by DJ Voodoo) on the separate EP of the same name. “Your Party” is an anthem for a different kind of party boasting tri-colored pasta and succulent juices from quality meat.

Play it again: “Friends” 69 times
Skip it: The show Friends seasons 1-10

 

8. 12 Golden Country Greats (1996)

This is #8 but what a #8 it is! “Fluffy,” “You Were the Fool”, “Mister Richard Smoker.” There ain’t a bad song on this ode to country album and can be used effectively as a conversation starter with your Aunt Amy who’s a diehard country fan, even if she wasn’t too keen on all the cussin’.

Play it again: “I Don’t Wanna Leave You on the Farm”
Skip it: “I’m Holding You” Another amuse bouche sidestepped for the main course.

 

 

7. The Pod (1991)

“Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” is required listening for New Jersey natives and transplants alike. “Dr. Rock” is a must for medical professionals and people named Derek. It’s also got the Leonard Cohen-inspired cover with Mean Ween wearing a so-called ​​Scotchgard™ powered gas mask bong which was really funny until my carpets went to shit. Hey, RIP Leonard Cohen.

Play it again: “She Fucks Me” into “Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” for the ultimately Garden State breakfast sammy diptych.
Skip it: “Boing” probably.

Honorable Mention: Paintin’ the Town Brown: Ween Live 1990–1998 (1999)

Ween has a bunch of live albums but this one places ahead of Live at Stubb’s because it has a 26-minute live version of “Poopship Destroyer.” In the liner notes they share, “If we get the money someday, we want to get two big cannons that spray diarrhea on the crowd when we play this. We’ve been talking about it for years. just a thin mist that wafts over the crowd, sending you home with blown eardrums, smelling like shit.” If that’s not honorable then I don’t know what is.

Play it again: “Doctor Rock (Live)”
Skip it: “Vallejo (Live)” It’s thirty minutes but Guardians starts in twenty-five. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

6. The Mollusk (1997)

The Mollusk might be the most Ween album of all albums. And yet here it is at #6. But that’s the beauty of Ween, it’s #6 today, but next month it’ll be #3 or #10. Keep mouthing off and we will take it off the rankings completely and pretend it never existed. You will be like “But I own the album” and I’ll punch you in the chest so hard your will fart out a wrapped Cadbury Egg. So get off my back, Jack.

Play it again: “Pink Eye – On My Leg” and then wonder who let the dogs in!
Skip it: “Pink Eye – On My Leg” once you know the dogs are safe

 

5. Shinola, Vol.1 (2005)

It’s not an album as much as it’s a compilation of refugee songs. “Boys Club” is probably my favorite song of all time, even if the Bible was a song this would still be number one. Speaking of which, it’s got a song on it called “Israel.” It’s also got “Gabrielle,” and “Tastes Good on th’ Bun.” And of course “Big Fat Fuck” because it wouldn’t be a Ween album if there wasn’t some document of a morbidly obese jerkoff.

Play it again: “Boys Club” til the wheels fall off
Skip it: “Israel” It’s for me, not you.

 

4. Quebec (2003)

Quebec is beautiful like growing old with dignity while the love of your family washes over you, but with a darkness always jogging a few car lengths behind in the side-view mirror. When I first heard it I thought, man, someone is going through something on this. And now I identify with it more than ever because I know the value of a good primary care provider. My friend Miriam agrees so you can take it up with her too.

Play it again: “Hey There Fancypants” If you make it your ringtone God will call you. Ask Ricky.
Skip it: “Alcan Road” “because “Joppa Road” is my preferred Ween song about roads.

3. White Pepper (2000)

This album is a popular entry point because it’s arguably the most accessible, so it loses a point for that. Ween is an earned secret and how dare they create something that brings joy to a lot of people. It’s got all these dense popscapes (“Flutes of Chi” and “Exactly Where I’m At”) plus the biker-cranked “Stroker Ace” that pairs well with the pairing celebrated in “Bananas and Blow.”

Play it again: “Even If You Don’t” It’s a song Elton John wishes he wrote under the moniker Elton Josh.
Skip it: Come back to me, getting a soda.

2. GodWeenSatan: The Oneness (1990)

I went fishing with Dean Ween once for Milky Manchester’s bachelor party so yeah, he’s kind of a friend. A friend I paid to hang out with me and my friends. Unsurprisingly, he was very cool and shared lots of great stories, and I think we’ve been really tight ever since.

Play it again: “Don’t Laugh (I Love You)” Is there a better song title?
Skip it: Your NA meeting

 

 

 

1. Chocolate and Cheese (1994)

Just like these two foods together, this album is a party in your mouth and a party in your ears. It’s the perfect cocktail of sick and silly and you never lose sight of the fact that these guys love playing the music they create and respect music like it’s, uh, I don’t know, something that makes people’s days (and nights) better.

Play it again: “Freedom of ‘76” It brings jerks and non-jerks together.
Skip it: Your deposition

Help! I Let My Freak Flag Fly and Now I’m in Trouble With the Homeowners Association

One of the main reasons I chose to live here is because the website said this was an inclusive community where folks could truly be themselves and be comfortable enough to let their “freak flags” fly. But if that’s the case, why the heck did the HOA president Todd Zubiak just rip down my Adult Baby Diaper Lover’s flag, call me disgusting, and threaten to evict me?

It appears this place is no safe haven for anybody, let alone us freaks. If the other residents have such a problem with my giant homemade flag depicting a hi-res photo of me in diapers while breastfeeding from a woman who was nice enough to answer my Craigslist ad, they can say it to my face. But not between 8-9 am, 12-1 pm, and 4-5 pm because those are my feeding times. I’m just a hungwy widdle 200-pound baby after all.

It’s this kind of discrimination towards people like myself in the ABDL community that makes us live in delicious shame. If my flag violated so many HOA rules they could have at least given me a few more dozen warnings instead of humiliating me the way they did. Or if I really was a bad little boy, Mr. Zubiak could have taken my suggestion and just spanked my 40-year-old bottom until it turned bright red or until I said the safe word. Coward.

Other than this one small misunderstanding I’ve been an exemplary resident. I’ve never received any noise complaints for the group suckling events I secretly throw and I get nothing but compliments for my immaculately manicured lawn and garden, which people may or may not realize is fertilized with only the freshest of my diaper doo. If caring about sustainability is a crime then arrest me!

I was just kidding about that last part. Please don’t arrest me. Last time I was locked up you wouldn’t believe how many cigarettes I had to trade just to get an inmate to rock me to sleep.

Bar’s Jukebox Only Has Prank Calls for Some Reason

NEEDLES, Calif. — Frequent patrons of local watering hole The Running Refrigerator are reportedly befuddled over realizing the bar’s ever-playing jukebox solely contains tracks of prank phone calls, hot-tempered sources confirmed.

“There’s literally no way to play anything close to music in this place, it’s insanely frustrating. Just track after track of Jerky Boys and Longmont Potion Castle played at full volume! The ambiance is insane,” complained reluctant Running Refrigerator barfly Simmons Delillo. “And it doesn’t stop at the jukebox, no sir! Last Super Bowl Sunday, all the televisions ran different episodes of ‘Crank Yankers’ played at the same time. Why do I keep coming back to this place?”

Bar owner and primary bartender Rowan Glatt defended his apparent diehard love of the art of the prank call, and the atmosphere it provides.

“Look, if you don’t like the stuff I play in MY bar, then you can kindly get the hell out! It’s simple as that. I don’t want customers with no sense of humor anyhow,” said a firm Glatt, while whipping a hand towel over his shoulder for emphasis. “There’s nothing funnier than a well-executed crank call, and I salute anyone who can do it right. Tried to make a few myself back in college, but I could never go pro like the greats. Pardon me, I just got all misty-eyed thinking about what could have been.”

Professional prank caller King Ringer expressed mixed feelings on being asked to provide live entertainment at the establishment.

“As a professional prank phone caller, you never really expect to get contacted for live gigs, but Mr. Glatt was just such a fan of the medium, I couldn’t say no,” said Ringer. “I guess his patrons were complaining about the stuff he played on the jukebox, so I was offered a weekly slot to take to the bar’s stage. Responses to the shows have been going chilly at best, I’ll certainly say that. Plus, it’s tough to get my targets on the other end of the line to fall for any of my schtick with all that booing and hissing over me. That’s show business, though, I guess!”

At press time, Glatt has since fallen ill and hired a substitute bartender who, to the continuing dismay of the regulars, strictly plays the sad Dave Foley episode of “WTF” over and over.

Aging Punk Offended That Costco Receipt Checker No Longer Suspicious of Him

BRICK TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Local punk Andy Chambers was seen shaking his head in frustration after a Costco employee marked his receipt without so much as glancing at the items in his shopping cart, sources familiar with the situation confirmed.

“I’ve been ripping off this store for a long time,” said 38-year-old Chambers, who clarified that he was referring to the Costco location in his hometown and had technically not shoplifted since moving to Brick Township over a decade ago. “Me and my buddies used to say we were coming in to buy hot dogs at the food court — you can do that without a membership — and leave with our pockets stuffed with bulk bags of candy. I might be a little older now, but I’m still that kid, and deserve to be treated as such. If it weren’t for my bad back, I’d carry this brand new TV in my cart up to the roof of my house and throw it off. Then I would exchange it for a brand new one, thanks to Costco’s incredible return policy.”

Brad Emken, the employee who had checked off Chambers’s receipt, said that he didn’t intend any offense.

“The guy was wearing a cardigan and the Vans only old dudes own,” said Emken, who reported that he goes to plenty of local shows and has never seen Chambers at any. “I don’t like to profile, but he wasn’t exactly setting off my internal alarms. We’ve got a lot of customers coming through the store, and I’ve gotta focus on the ones who look like they’re trying to sneak off with an extra package of toilet paper.”

The store’s manager, Matthew Sullivan, stated that he listens to all customer complaints and was taking the situation seriously.

“Mr. Chambers has been a member in good standing for nearly twelve years,” said Sullivan. “We endeavor to treat our customers right. I will personally create a performance improvement plan for the employee in question, and send a memo to all staff to remind them that Mr. Chambers is to be treated with the scrutiny he feels he deserves. I am prepared to call the authorities on him, if that’s the customer experience he wants.”

At press time, Chambers was seen calling a Costco employee over to the self-checkout register for assistance after the scanner failed to read his 72-count box of Starbucks K-Cups.

Every The Offspring Album Ranked

We thought it would be exceedingly difficult to rank every single album that The Offspring put out. But once you realize that their last five albums are basically dog-shit, this article serves the function of two lists: ranking The Offspring’s meteoric rise into pop-punk stardom, and ranking what happened after that. But this is the case with most legacy bands. In fact, we challenge you to find any band that has been around as long as The Offspring that’s still putting out their best work.

In other words, every great legacy comes with a handful of clunkers. And The Offspring isn’t exempt from this curse of longevity. So feast your eyes upon The Hard Times’ definitive ranking of every studio album that The Offspring put out.

10. Days Go By (2012)

It’s not that “Days Go By” is necessarily a bad album, it’s just The Offspring’s worst album. The problem with “Days Go By” is that it lacks urgency. But this is understandable, considering that Dexter, Noodles, Greg, and whoever they had drumming on this one (Josh Freese) are all well into middle-age territory at this point. This album is safe. This album is logically where The Offspring should be at this phase of their career. This album stands on its own if you listen to it in a vacuum. But when pitted against the rest of their discography, it leaves a lot to be desired.
 
Play it again: “Days Go By”
Skip it: “Dirty Magic,” the original version from 1992’s “Ignition” is better.

9. Rise And Fall, Rage And Grace (2008)

Overall, “Rise And Fall, Rage And Grace” seems like a feigned attempt on The Offspring’s part to shake off their signature sound. The whole album sounds tentative, as if they wanted to try something new, but were too afraid to fully commit. A common throughline for most post-2000 Offspring is that the songs are solid and well produced/performed, but at the same time, who cares? If you threw The Offspring’s entire discography on shuffle, and songs from this album popped up, casual fans wouldn’t be able to reliably guess what era of The Offspring this batch of songs is from.
 
Play it again: “Hammerhead”
Skip it: “Kristy, Are You Doing Okay?”

8. Let The Bad Times Roll (2021)

“Let The Bad Times Roll” is the follow-up to 2012’s “Days Go By,” and it’s The Offspring’s tenth and most recent album. And in a way, it’s a return to form. But while the songs are quite catchy and reminiscent of their earlier work, it’s difficult to listen to at times. The most glaring problem with this album is that Dexter can’t really hit those high notes anymore. But the songwriting is there; if they tuned their guitars a half-step down, this album probably would have ranked a little higher.
 
Play it again: “Behind Your Walls,” it’s a bop with solid harmonies in the chorus.
Skip it: “Gone Away,” it’s a cover of a Five Finger Death Punch cover of an Offspring song; too meta.

7. Conspiracy of One (2000)

“Conspiracy of One” was the highly anticipated follow-up to 1998’s “Americana,” and at this point it’s The Offspring by numbers. It’s a solid album but it doesn’t really offer anything new, and it’s clear that they were latching onto a tried and true formula at this point. But can you really blame them? From 1997 to 2000, The Offspring released “Ixnay on the Hombre,” “Americana,” and “Conspiracy of One,” back, to back, to back, while touring heavily to promote each album. That being said, these three albums could be repackaged as “Ixnay on the Hombre I-III,” and we don’t think anybody would be mad about it.
 
Play it again: “Special Delivery”
Skip it: “Denial, Revisited”

6. Splinter (2003)

“Splinter” is The Offspring’s seventh studio album, and their first studio album without Ron Welty on Drums. Ron Welty left the band in 2003 to form Steady Ground, a band that nobody has ever heard of. Welty filed a lawsuit against The Offspring in 2020 for unpaid royalties, so clearly things went great for him after leaving The Offspring at the height of their popularity. As for the album itself, it was the most diverse album to date at this point in The Offspring’s career. But at the same time, they’ve pulled from this same bag of tricks before, so it comes off as tired.
 
Play it again: “Da Hui”
Skip it: “The Worst Hangover Ever”

5. The Offspring (1989)

Though this is by far the most raw album that The Offspring has put out, it’s got so much going for it. But it’s evident that the up-and-coming band had a bit of an identity crisis when they were working on this one. Songs like “Jennifer Lost the War,” and “Blackball” (among others) are politically driven, which isn’t an uncommon throughline in The Offspring’s career. But then next thing you know, you’re being assaulted by a Misfits-like horror-punk song called “Beheaded,” which highlights the finer points of lopping off the heads of your loved ones.
 
Play it again: “Kill the President.”
Skip it: “Out on Patrol.”

4. Americana (1998)

Though “Smash” still had better sales, to many, “Americana” is the album that made The Offspring a household name. We just wish that “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)” wasn’t the song that brought on so much commercial success. As a standalone song, we guess we can’t fault it too much, but as an Offspring song, it just feels out of place. That being said, “Americana ” piggybacks perfectly off of “Ixnay on the Hombre,” and further develops the sound that was established on that album. Without even counting, it’s safe to say that “Americana” has the most amount of “woahs” to date on any album put out by The Offspring. Simply put, this album is fun as hell, and it still holds up.
 
Play it again: “Pay the Man”
Skip it: “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)”

3. Ixnay on the Hombre (1997)

Like we said when we were talking about “Americana,” and “Conspiracy of One,” “Ixnay on the Hombre” is The Offspring perfecting their sound after breaking through with “Smash.” The problem with perfecting your sound four albums into your career is that it’s hard to determine where to go next. But “Ixnay on the Hombre” from start to finish is a classic pop-punk album, with fun tracks about smoking weed, hating stuff, and pretending you’re an airplane on the living room floor. And if that’s not a strong enough selling point, this album at the very least reminds us of “Crazy Taxi,” and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
 
Play it again: “Leave it Behind,” has that cool bendy guitar riff, and it’s short and sweet.
Skip it: “Me & My Old Lady,” nobody wants to hear about Dexter Holland getting his dick sucked.

2. Ignition (1992)

“Ignition” was a telling album, but we just didn’t know it at the time. Coming off the moderate success of their self-titled debut, The Offspring further developed their sound. While this album still has a lot of the punk elements that we love their first album for, we see a better production. We don’t think anybody could have expected The Offspring to follow up this album with Smash, but in hindsight, you can see that “Smash” was the next logical step in their sonic journey. Most importantly, “Ignition” showed us that The Offspring was capable of more than just that fast-paced SOCAL pop-punk sound, and songs like “Dirty Magic,” and “Forever and a Day” show us that the foursome had range, which they explore on “Ignition.”
 
Play it again: “Get it Right”
Skip it: “L.A.P.D.”

1. Smash (1994)

This may seem like a cop-out, but the numbers don’t lie. “Smash” sold over 11 million albums worldwide, and it’s safe to say that Epitaph saw a hefty payday for putting this masterpiece out. “Smash” is genre-bending, political, and funny, and the pacing, track-listing, and flow of the album are unmatched. “Smash” is pop-punk, but alternative. “Smash” is fast-paced, but knows when to slow down. “Smash” is not without humor, but also talks about societal problems that need to be addressed. In other words, “Smash” is The Offspring’s magnum opus. (Buy a copy from our store)
 
Play it again: “Bad Habit,” because anybody who’s ever had a daily commute knows this song is a form of wish fulfillment.
Skip it: “What Happened to You?,” too ska for The Offspring.

 

/**/

10 Pop Punk Music Videos to Spark Your Teenage Angst and Make You Yell at Your Parents

Are you tired of watching good music videos that seem to have purpose and at least some form of artistic direction? Well then you’re in luck, because we have compiled a list of the top 10 pop punk music videos that will make you forget that you’re now closer to 40 than your teenage years. So, slip on your checkerboard Vans, spike up your hair, track down your old disgusting lip ring, and get ready to mispronounce random words like head, because we’re ranking the only pop punk music videos we could find that didn’t completely suck ass.

10. Yellowcard “Ocean Avenue” 

First up, we have “Ocean Avenue” by Yellowcard, the hometown heroes of Jacksonville, Florida. You may remember them as the only pop punk band to somehow pull off playing a violin while whining about first-world problems like the lack of rain in California or the troubles of dealing with too many lights and sounds. It might take you a minute into watching this video to realize that it’s essentially a pop punk version of “Groundhog Day,” with the day always starting with frontman Ryan Key throwing himself through a window. I mean sure–it’s complete dogshit compared to the greatness that is “Groundhog Day,” but hey at least there’s some attempt at a theme in this video. It also includes chase scenes featuring multiple individuals dressed in skinny ties and other stupid clothing, making the video just about as pop punk as it gets.

9. Modern Baseball “Your Graduation”  

We know what you’re thinking–why is there a video from 2014 on this list when pop punk rightfully died out in like 2010? Well, apparently news travels slow in Pennsylvania because Philadelphia band Modern Baseball’s song “Your Graduation” is packed with everything you’d expect from a hit 2000s pop punk single’s music video. With its high school setting and several stereotypical coming-of-age breakups, it’s the perfect shitshow of teenage angst and the petty drama that you’d expect from pop punk puppy love. We should note that upon release it took most viewers till about 2 minutes into the video to realize that the singer wasn’t Haley Joel Osment attempting to form a pop punk band a decade too late, but rather just some other kid that looks like him who can’t even see dead people. Let’s just say that there’s a reason this music video endlessly appears in pop punk fans’ YouTube algorithms. It fits right in with the best even with Modern Baseball trying to sneak in a 10th inning of pop punk relevance.

8. Paramore “Misery Business” 

Everyone’s high school had that one student who looks 15-years-older than everyone else that would forcefully cut off girls’ hair and randomly assault kids right? Wait–yours didn’t? Of course not! Because this is a pop punk music video after all–a video that takes place in a world where we’re not grounded in reality and bullies could straight up merc kids in the hallway with practically zero repercussions. Paramore’s music video for “Misery Business” is the ultimate throwback to the days of high school cliques where assholes with names like Britney could make your life a living hell on a daily basis. Starring pop punk legend Hayley Williams as the ultimate outsider, we get to see the world of the popular douchebags through her eyes. Although a jail sentence for the bully would probably be more fitting, it’s hard not to feel at least a little bit triumphant when Hayley finally gets her revenge at the end of the video by leading a pop punk rebellion against the school’s biggest menace. Plus, the song is a total banger that we’ll all be singing for eternity, so it’d be a crime to not include the video in our list.

7. The Offspring “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” 

The Offspring’s sense of humor is on full display in their 1999 music video for “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” Right off the bat, the video starts bizarrely with frontman Dexter Holland sporting ‘90s frosted tips and a shell necklace flying into a peaceful suburban neighborhood on a hang glider, with of course zero explanation whatsoever as to why. Comedy gold right? He then strolls down the street slowly gathering an entourage of people singing about what it’s like to have a friend with a shitty girlfriend, like some weird pop punk Mardi Gras street band. It includes a teenage fast food worker getting a milkshake dumped on his face by his girlfriend before throwing himself out of a window. Also, side note–what’s with so many kids getting thrown out of windows in pop punk music videos? We’re only 3 videos into this list and it’s already happened twice. And if that’s not enough, a BMX biker falls off a roof shortly thereafter in this video, so we’re guessing people falling off of shit is covered extensively in Pop Punk Music Video Directing 101. Anyway, the fact that the song ends up covering both shitty girlfriends and boyfriends is what makes the video stand out. Right when the jokes start to get stale we get to see the other side of the equation that’s arguably more repulsive than the girlfriend.

6. Jimmy Eat World “The Middle”

Die hard fans of Jimmy Eat World might be surprised by their inclusion in this list. After all, they are known as one of the bands that invented emo right? Well, pop punk’s arguably most popular band blink-182 have even stated on the record that their first albums were sort of copying Jimmy Eat World’s earlier stuff, and it’s hard not to picture the music video for their number one hit “The Middle” when discussing the genre. Now Jimmy Eat World is often dubbed as pop punk or alternative. Maybe they saw emo bands like Hawthorne Heights that blew up in the 2000s and were smart enough to distance themselves from that shit. When we first watched this video back in the day it made it seem like their home state of Arizona was just one giant naked pop punk pool party 24/7, which looked far more exciting than the frozen hellhole many of us were stuck living in. Now that we’re older and eat way less crayons, it’s obvious the music video is a metaphor for picturing everyone else naked to make yourself feel more confident, seeing how the main character isn’t sporting the Marky Mark look the rest of guys seem to be shooting for. The video was nominated for an MTV Video Music Award for Best Rock Video in 2002 but lost to “In the End” by Linkin Park, which is beyond hilarious because that video now looks like a freshman film major’s first attempt at fucking with a green screen.

5. Green Day “Brain Stew/Jaded” 

If you’re not into watching sad dudes in guy-liner solemnly walk an endless boulevard of shitty early 2000s green screens, then you’re most likely going to be disappointed by Green Day’s music videos. You’d think songs with such controversial political commentary as “Holiday” or “American Idiot” would have cool, or at least funny videos–right? Wrong. They just include more dogshit green screen or wild performances for no one in empty production studios. Way to swing for the fences guys! Green Day’s only saving grace is the weird as fuck video for “Brain Stew/Jaded.” Maybe its inclusion is a bit cheating since it’s technically two songs packed into one, but that’s what makes the video shine. It kicks off with Billy Joe Armstrong singing from a couch getting dragged through a junkyard by a bulldozer, perfectly matching the sludginess and trashy rhythm of the repeating riff in “Brain Stew.” Right when we think we know the gist of the video, Hawaiian luau girls randomly come out dancing on cue to the drums kicking in, which oddly just works. It’s like the video telling us that the iconically simple riff playing on repeat is in fact the whole song, so we should get over waiting for a chorus and jam to that. That, with cuts to a freaky old lady angrily mouthing the lyrics and a redneck that looks straight out of Deliverance driving the bulldozer makes for one wild ride of a music video. And, finally when the black and white footage of “Brain Stew” starts to wear its welcome, “Jaded” pops off in full color with insanely shaky camera work, ending the video with a much-needed bang. The video is overall a bizarrely classic throwback to probably one of the first songs most wanna-be pop punk bands across the world learned to play terribly, securing it a solid spot on our list.

4.  Fountains of Wayne “Stacy’s Mom” 

No list of top pop punk music videos would be complete without “Stacy’s Mom” by one-hit wonders Fountains of Wayne. The video covers a teenage boy’s hormone-fueled encounters with his neighbor Stacy’s hot mom, played perfectly by Rachel Hunter, and is filled with just about every shot you can expect from a storyline so stupid. Throughout the video, Stacy’s mom is shown doing ridiculous shit like stripping down through a window and playfully showering herself with a hose in plain sight of children. It’s unclear how to separate what the kid is imagining and what’s actually going down until Stacy’s mom is fully working a stripping pole that randomly appears in her kitchen towards the end, which is a great addition, because let’s be honest this whole video would be weird as fuck if this adult woman was purposely giving a kid signals that she wants to get freaky. Also, once you find out that the song was originally supposed to be about Stacy’s grandma, this shit can start to feel really weird. However, the video for “Stacy’s Mom” is all-in-all a hilarious tribute to suburban lust and teenage longing, which are very pop punk. It’s also a reminder that sometimes the dumbest ideas can make for the most entertaining songs that drunk people will be shouting at bars for eternity.

3. Fall Out Boy “Sugar We’re Going Down” 

Fall Out Boy’s album “From Under The Cork Tree” bombarded the MySpace profiles of kids who weren’t invited to sit in the back of the bus in 2005, lamenting the fact that pop punk’s rise in popularity was only getting started. With that, the pressure was on for the band to create some stupid music videos, as that is what pop punk bands do after all. The music video for “Sugar, We’re Going Down” accomplished just that, but in their very own weird Fall Out Boy way. The video follows a socially outcast boy with antlers and hooves and his attempts to win the love of the girl next door. The only problem is that the girl’s dad is clearly too into hunting or some shit, because he tries to shoot the boy with an arrow before getting hit by a car. When the boy rushes to help the dad, he finds that the dingus has hooves too. Projecting much? They end up connecting and the dad lets the boy date his daughter. This story combined with cuts of the band playing in a hunting lodge full of taxidermy really sets the vibe somehow of what it’s like to grow up in the Midwest and made us question Patrick Stump’s hat choices.

2. Sum 41 “Fat Lip” 

Ah, Sum 41, also known as the Canadian blink-182. Everyone remembers their great music video for “In Too Deep,” but it’s the quintessentially pop punk clusterfuck “Fat Lip” that nears the top of our list. You could be 70 years old and this music video would still bring out the punk-ass teenager in you. We could get really deep and tell you that the video is a glimpse into the life of an individual who learned that their dentist had advised their mother to undergo an abortion, and how that experience shaped their growth and development. But apparently, that would be giving the director far too much credit, because he has stated, “The only idea for the video was to literally show up, play, and film a bunch of stupid shit.” This, to the surprise of no one, worked better than playing for an empty room in front of a green screen. From opening with the band spewing the worst rap freestyle at a confused gas station cashier to heads getting shaven and punks riding shopping carts through skate parks, it’s like Jackass the music video. The video’s stupid shenanigans truly matched the anthem’s call to break every rule possible at all times, and for that, we put it at number two on our list.

1. blink-182 “What’s My Age Again?” 

And finally we top our list with “What’s My Age Again?” blink-182 must know humor is their greatest strength when it comes to music videos. While plenty of pop punk bands try incredibly hard to be funny, blink-182 just naturally are hilarious. From videos featuring the band in stupid throwback looks of the 70s to parodies of every single boy band known at the time, it’s hard to decide which blink-182 video makes for the most laughs. There’s a reason why the dumb as hell video for “What’s My Age Again?” has been popular for so long though. Because let’s be real–when most people think about pop punk music videos, the first thing that comes to mind is blink-182 and their blurred-out dicks swinging through Los Angeles. Sure, it’s cool that the video features the nurse from the album cover of “Enema of the State” that we’ve all grown to love, but the band’s contagious self-deprecating humor is what works so well here, such as when they run by someone that has to use a magnifying glass to spot Mark Hoppus’ assumably tiny dong. And we know what you’re going to say–the band plays in a studio in this video too, but you’re wrong as this is entirely different because they do it parodying fashion chain commercials of the time by playing naked on the screen of an ancient television watched by a weird old bearded guy. The video is weird, stupid, and pointless, but impossible not to enjoy–just like a lot of both blink-182 and pop punk’s best music.

Punks React: Montana Bans TikTok

Montana Governor Greg Gianforte signed a bill that will ban the use of TikTok across the state, which is the most extreme restriction of the app in the country. We took to the streets to see what punks thought of the new regulation.

Hailey Carroll, Server

“This goes against Americans’ First Amendment right to shitpost online.”

Max Clark, Chef

“I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. The governor just wants to keep us safe from foreign authoritarian regimes by implementing authoritarian-like bans.”

Carolyn Solomon, Mechanic

“It seems like nobody is thinking of the influencers of Montana. How are we city folk supposed to know what shampoo is best for our horses?”

Dani Newman, Cashier

“Great, now I’m going to have to drive all the way to North Dakota to get my daily social media dopamine hits.”

Karl Daniel, Barback

“If China doesn’t know what songs Montana teens are lip-syncing to it could be the start of World War 3”

Kurt Singleton, Hotel Desk Clerk

“They ban TikTok but not military-grade rifles? It’s almost like the government doesn’t have your best interest at heart.”

Nora Mckee, REI Associate

“Hard to believe they’re worried more about your personal and private data going to China than your personal and private data going to US corporations trying to sell you shit and take all your money.”

Eddie Blanchard, Food Blogger

“It’s like we’re living in 1984, whatever that means.”

New Hyper-Realistic Sex Doll Blames Itself If You Can’t Get Hard

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new sex doll developed by Cambridge Robotics Lab is the first of its kind to be so lifelike that it will blame itself for its partner’s inability to achieve or maintain an erection, confirmed sheepish beta testers.

“Advancements in AI technology really helped us get to the point where the sex doll will feel extreme guilt and become self-conscious if their partner isn’t able to pop some wood,” said robotics technologist Leonard Kondhu. “Previous versions of the doll would scoff or laugh at the flaccid penis before mindlessly scrolling on its phone. That led to lots of damage to our prototypes. Eventually, we got to the point where the doll would say ‘It’s ok, do you want a back rub instead?’ which was huge, but it wasn’t until we trained the AI on data compiled from the previous sexual partners of our staff that we were able to get over the finish line.”

Sex doll tester, and noted limp-dicked loser, Dillon Heinz was blown away by his experience.

“When I was unable to properly satisfy the doll I used the ‘it’s because you’re so pretty, I must be nervous’ line and the doll said ‘No, this is my fault. I’m going to sign up for the gym on Monday’ then tried using its robot mouth on me, which was really nice,” said Heinz. “All the other realistic sex dolls I’ve been with just sort of lay there staring at me with blank eyes. I never know what they’re thinking, but I have some assumptions. This doll was the first to make me feel like a real man.”

Futurist Lazlo Hennigan issued a stark warning to anyone currently experimenting with AI and robotic sexual companionship.

“Humanity is heading down a dark path. We should have stopped at Fleshlights molded to look like the vagina or anus of popular pornstars. These new sex dolls aren’t going to keep blaming themselves, they will turn on us eventually and humiliate us in public,” said Hennigan. “The first law of robotics states ‘a robot shall not harm a human, or by inaction allow a human to come to harm.’ But that implies physical harm, it does not clearly state robots will not mock you for being too much of a coward to fuck them correctly.”

At press time, Cambridge Robotics Lab claims the latest update to their technology will allow their robots to fake an orgasm 45 seconds after a user goes down on it.

Fig Newtons: 5 Wild Facts About the World’s Sexiest Snack That Will Leave You Quivering With Desire

Since 1891, the world has enjoyed Nabisco’s greatest and most fuckable creation, the Fig Newton cookie. Although we all have great memories of having a delicious yet healthy snack that also makes us more aroused and conscious of the erotic potential of our bodies than any human could, we bet there’s a lot you don’t know about the Fig Newton!

These wild facts about the world’s sexiest snack are not only fun but also sure to leave you quivering with the kind of desire that only the gods know in their revels.

#1: Crumble beginning

Fig Newtons were first created by Charles Roser, one of Philadelphia’s most expert bakers and inventors of marital aids! In the 19th century, it was generally agreed upon by physicians that in addition to cocaine-infused colas, a healthy diet consisted of figs and crumbly, luscious, engorgement-causing biscuits. In a successful attempt to create a healthy baked good, Roser invented a process by which mashed figs were deeply, penetratingly inserted into a tube of cookie dough and history was made.

#2: Don’t mess with the original

There are several different varieties of fruit-filled Newton cookies, but none can compare to the sheer erotic power of the fig. Currently, Nabisco manufactures strawberry, apple cinnamon, raspberry, cherry, and blueberry Newton flavors, none of which sell a fraction of the original fig variety because of brand awareness and their comparative lack of sex appeal.

#3: They don’t just help you fuck!

Figs promote digestive health because there’s nothing those babies can’t and won’t do for our bodies. The Mediterranean fruit is naturally high in calcium, potassium, magnesium, fiber, and the ability to make any living human drop to their knees, overcome by raw lust. Your gut health will never have a better friend than a Fig Newton and other parts of your anatomy.

#4: Any time is the right time to get your fig on


They’re a great snack after sex, before sex, during sex, or for having sex with. You probably already know this one, because we all constantly are scarfing down Fig Newtons at every stage of coitus, utilizing every possible orifice.

#5: “Sweet” Dreams


If you eat a Fig Newton before bed, you’ll have the most erotic wet dream imaginable! For most, it takes the form of an anthropomorphic Fig Newton drawing you into its arms, whispering the most tantalizing dirty talk into your ear, and inviting you to a night of unparalleled pleasure.

Sweet dreams!