Are You a Moron That Wants to Piss Off Your Tattoo Artist? Here Are 10 Ways You Can Do It and Be Instantly Hated

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

It’s no secret that tattoos go with punk music like a pack of Marlboro Reds with a lukewarm PBR. A match made in heaven. They’re a permanent signal to those around you about how badass you are. But just like with punk music, there are plenty faux pas you should be aware of. Trust us, the last thing you need is the person with the ink-covered needle jackhammer tearing into your skin to be annoyed with you. To avoid any future embarrassment (or pain), study our definitive list of the best ways to piss off your tattoo artist.

Flash Design Changes

If you want something sick that your tattoo artist has created or based on traditional old-school designs, you can always trust their flash sheet. If you want a design that you have come up with in your head, book a custom tattoo. Don’t pick the eagle off the wall and then ask to get rid of the knife in its mouth and fire coming off its back, those are the awesome parts.

Betraying Tradition

Speaking of traditional flash, don’t be a poser. If you are going to get that swallow bird tattoo, you better have traveled 5,000 nautical miles. And if you are getting a teardrop under your eye, well I hope he had it coming to him.

Idea Theft

Asking a tattoo artist to tattoo someone else’s design on you is the equivalent of tattoo cuckolding. Are you also going to go back to their house and fuck their significant other in front of them? If you have an artist you want to be tattooed by then pick one of their designs, it’s that simple.

Wriggling

We know tattoos hurt, but you don’t need to flop all over the place like a fish that just landed in a canoe. It might not be the most comfortable feeling getting your ribs tickled by a thousand tiny swords, but if you are determined to get that sick side splitter you need to be prepared to sit like a stone. Try not to laugh and keep breathing to a minimum if you can.

Other People’s Opinions

Nothing kills the vibe in a tattoo shop like a tag-along with bad opinions. If you want to bring a buddy along to your appointment, be sure they know how to keep their mouth shut. Better again, bring someone who will hype up the design and buy beers for everyone in the shop.

Being Drunk

You might think you’re more charming after you’ve had a few, but you’re actually even more annoying than normal. The benefit of you being drunk is that you might be willing to pay more, and you should. The downside is you’re going to do the drunk close talking that everyone hates, and you’re going to bleed more. Get tattooed sober you coward.

Calling Timeout Constantly

Tattoos hurt, and everyone needs a break from time to time. But starting and stopping every 5 minutes isn’t doing anyone any favors. Suck it up, sit there, and you will get a break eventually. This is a surefire way to end up getting a nice dry paper towel wipe as the tattoo winds down.

Partner Portraits

Why are you going to make someone stare at a photo of your ugly partner and pretend this is a good idea? Ask for a tattoo of your dog instead, people love dogs. Nobody loves the person you’ve been dating for 3 months.

Commas

Any phrase that requires a comma is a bad idea. Even if it is put in the right place, strangers will always stare at your tattoo to check if you have a big permanent grammatical fuck up on your arm to add a bit of smugness to their day. Don’t make your tattoo artist have to hire a copy editor for the day because you read Voltaire for the first time.

Haggling

If you don’t want to pay the price for a good tattoo, find someone who will give you a shit tattoo for cheap. Just pay your artist the rate they gave you, don’t try to negotiate a deal. And be sure to leave a tip especially if they’re super nice or played a few sick Deftones tracks during your session.

Heed our sage advice and you’ll be every tattooer’s dream client in no time. And remember, if you don’t like a tattoo you got, you will only have it forever. Now we’re off to see if we can get that 4th line added to our Black Flag backpiece.

Jimmy Page, David Bowie, and 8 More Rockin’ Legends I Would Never Leave My 12-Year-Old Daughter Alone With

Posted on by Tim Sheard

The annals of rock n’ roll are filled with legends. Shredding guitarists, larger-than-life frontmen, and hard partying-drummers all fill the ranks of history’s greatest bands. Oh, and pedophiles. Tons and tons of pedophiles. ALLEGEDLY! You’re going to see that word a lot in this article. But allegations are enough to make me guard my 12-year-old daughter Zephyr from these dudes.

Let’s look at 10 titans of rock who should have to tell their neighbors when they move into a new gated mansion community.

1. JIMMY PAGE

Jimmy Page is the reason I picked up a guitar. Jimmy Page is also the reason my daughter’s first words were “stranger danger.” The warning signs started with that Houses of the Holy artwork and worsened from there. Ol’ Jimbo was 28 when he allegedly started dating a 13-year-old. Creepy awfulness notwithstanding, what the hell do a 28 year old and a 13 year old talk about other than “How was school today?” I don’t get it, but then again I’m not a pedo creep.

2. MICK JAGGER

I promise this list isn’t an exercise in sex negativity; I’m not some purity-obsessed Midwest evangelical farmer. I want my children to have fulfilling relationships in every way. But not with Mick Jagger. He is accused of sleeping with a 15-year-old actress in 1977, around the Rolling Stones’ third or fourth creative peak. Great songs that don’t eradicate some unforgivable decision making. Keep rolling past my family, Mick.

3. IGGY POP

Even if Iggy were just known as a shirtless weirdo, that may be enough to keep him on your radar of potential predators. Google “iggy pop sable starr” if you want to ruin your day and/or lunch. He even seems to admit to this in the song “Look Away” which is what I will tell Zephyr to do if he’s ever in the vicinity.

4. MARILYN MANSON

Do I even need to explain this one? Do you pay attention to any music news at all? Then you know the story here. Hell, I’m throwing hands if he walks in the direction of my wife, mother, or cousin Bob. You best believe children are a no-go.

5. ROBERT PLANT

What the hell was going on over at Led Zeppelin HQ? The man has pipes, and I’m not going to continue this line of thought by making some sort of “pipe” joke. Just to be safe, John Paul Jones should probably get added to this list by association alone.

6. STEVEN SEGAL

There’s no denying that Steven Segal can melt faces with delicious guitar licks and a mastery of the instrument. But in addition to putting the fretboard under siege, he has allegedly done the same to underage, non-consenting coworkers while working on his movies. Despite being objectively the most attractive, talented person on this list, he is forbidden from coming anywhere near my family.

7. STEVEN TYLER

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told Zephyr to run if a creepy man with gross hair says that he has some toys in the attic to show her. This melting cornhusk of a man is currently being sued for sexually assaulting a minor for whom he assumed guardianship. And people are still buying tickets for the Aerosmith farewell tour?

8. DAVID BOWIE

Different phases of our lives are soundtracked by different phases of Bowie’s artistic output. At least they were until I learned of David Bowie’s supposed disgusting dating history. Actually, “dating” is a very inaccurate word here because that implies consent and maturity. Legends like Bowie never truly die, which is why I wouldn’t let Zephyr anywhere near his grave solo.

9. ERIC CLAPTON

I don’t actually know of any allegations of sexual impropriety against Eric Clapton, but fuck this dude anyways. He seems like an asshole dipshit and I don’t like any of his music anyways. 5 minutes alone with my daughter and she’d probably end up some sort of anti-vax incel.

10. ANY POP-PUNK MUSICIAN EVER

This is The Hard Times, so you know we had to throw this in. It’s time to amend that “death and taxes” quote with “The only guarantees in life are death, taxes, and pop-punk musicians being outed as absolute creeps.” Even bands who haven’t been accused of anything yet should be watched closely. There’s something off about dudes in their 30s writing songs about high school anyways.

Single Thread on Ripped Jeans Saving Punk from Indecent Exposure Charge

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

RALEIGH, N.C. — Local punk Tommy Whitehead nearly caught an indecent exposure rap but was saved by a solitary, barely intact thread of his jeans, unfashionable sources confirmed.

“For the record, I generally have no qualms about exposing my testicles,” explained Whitehead. “Whether it be for a laugh, artistic expression, or just to feel a cool breeze tickle my turkey wattle, I’m usually down to clown. However, I happened to be within 100 feet of an elementary school, and my pop punk friends taught me that an indecent exposure charge in that scenario can land you in serious hot water. My heavily patched homemade cutoffs were seemingly not gonna make it, but luckily, there was like a single heroic thread keeping me from committing a crime. Like Spiderman halting the speeding subway train that is my pinkish, wrinkly apple bag.”

Police officer Kristen Atkinson was on hand for Whitehead’s near exhibition.

“My first instinct in every scenario is to draw my weapon. It’s what we’re taught at the academy, after all. But, after I lowered my gun and put the safety back on, I was able to better assess the situation,” said Atkinson. “The young man kept pointing at his genitals and saying ‘No exposure, baby.’ I don’t think he realized that a millimeter thick thread of cotton was in no way hiding his clearly visible scrotum. I could have arrested him, but paperwork sucks. So I shot a few taser probes directly into his testicles, gave him 50,000 volts, and let him off with a warning.”

Thrift store clerk Amanda Washington noted the popularity of threadbare clothing.

“Our clientele is primarily middle-class punks buying up all the good stuff before actual poor people can get their hands on it. I guess old little league shirts and 40 year old distressed jeans look cool, but some of these items barely qualify as clothes anymore,” said Washington. “We’ve got practically translucent t-shirts putting tits on full display and ‘70s basketball shorts with inseams all the way up to the grundle. I’m shocked no one who’s been arrested for wearing this crap in public has ever sued us.”

At press time, Whitehead debuted his newest pair of cutoffs, which are little more than a line of denim covering his asscrack.

BREAKING: Roommate Could Reach Debt Limit by July

Posted on by Max Barth

PHILADELPHIA – Local man Travis Burnett revealed to his roommates this week that, without immediate intervention and deal making, he is going to reach his personal debt ceiling by July, a development surprising no one.

“Well, you guys, it looks like the rubber has met the end of the road for me,” said Burnett, 28, who waited until everyone was extremely intoxicated to break the news. “My parents have unfriended me on Venmo and that ‘Quizzo For Dogs’ idea I had isn’t, shall we say, market ready. I’m therefore seriously considering taking extraordinary measures such as applying for a job and then working at that job to get money. Oh, and I definitely need a float for June rent and the Comcast bill. Anyone got a cigarette?”

Roommate Kevin Hines – the only one of five residents whose name appears on the lease – agreed to assist Burnett in exploring “unprecedented” options to meet his financial obligations.

“He’s a good guy. He’s just a dumbass sometimes,” said Hines. “I’m trying to help him write a resume for retail gigs and the entire time he’s asking me if NFTs are still a good investment and asking if it’s possible to find where Banksy lives to steal some art. But my dude needs to get hustling. He’s already pawned three guitars. He’s trying to sell his sperm now, but I don’t think Etsy is going to let that slide.”

Burnett’s father warned of the “second order” risks of allowing his son to default on his promises but stood firm in his position.

“Trav needs to get off his ass. We didn’t raise him to be lazy,” said Patrick Burnett. “He’s perfectly healthy and armed with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing that we went into debt to finance. He needs to fire up the idea box, walk into Netflix and introduce himself to the boss. A firm handshake got me a thirty year career right out of highschool. His mother and I might have to sell the beach house if he doesn’t get his act together.”

As of press time, Burnett was downloading a dog walking app “for market research.”

Every Radiohead Album Ranked

Posted on by Sam Eardley

Like the albums themselves, our ranked list of Radiohead’s oeuvre has arrived after years of overwrought sessions, scorched-earth changes of direction, and personal meltdowns. Ever since the founding of The Hard Times way back in 2014, we’ve experimented with multiple languages and fonts (including 4 fruitless years in Wingdings), and we’ve changed the number one spot 114 times. At one point we even brought Brian Eno in to help, that was a waste of $2,800 and he still won’t return our texts. But as it turned out, his instruction for us to write the entries backwards onto papyrus and then fax them to Björk was a huge breakthrough, and after that the list came together briskly in less than 18 months.

9. The King of Limbs (2011)

As insults go, “Worst Radiohead Album” is a pretty mild one, along the lines of “Least Cute Cat”, or “Worst Lifesaving Procedure” – even the lesser ones pretty much hit the spot. However, everything about TKOL and its release felt oddly low-key, to the extent that I’m never 100% sure I didn’t dream it. (Yes, that is a brag).

Play it again: “Codex” very beautiful, and never has a brass section sounded less like a ska song.
Skip it: “Morning Mr Magpie” promises magpie content that it doesn’t deliver.

 

8. Amnesiac (2001)

The songs on “Amnesiac” came from the same sessions as the previous year’s “Kid A”, and yet this somehow wasn’t another era-defining masterpiece. The fuck? Were they spitting directly into the faces of the loyal fans here? According to me back then, yes. But with some objective distance, these are actually 11 inventive songs whose only real crime is not transporting me to “Kid A”‘s intangible magical nether-dimension.

Play it again: Several great moments, but “Pyramid Song” is the one that endures.
Skip it: “Life in a Glasshouse”

7. A Moon Shaped Pool (2016)

I want to love this as much as everyone else, and for the first 3 tracks I absolutely do. But for some reason the rest of it just doesn’t seem to get to me – with one very notable exception. “Present Tense” fucks me up good and proper, and every time the “as my world comes crashing down” lyric hits I invariably crumple to the floor and start bawling (really inconvenient when I’m out and about).

Play it again: Technically it’s “Present Tense”, but shout out to “Decks Dark” for being as close to sex music as Radiohead has ever come.
Skip it: “Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Rich Man Poor Man Beggar Man Thief”

6. Pablo Honey (1993)

Before Jonny Greenwood had his head turned by old French wooden synthesizers and clockwork oboes (probably), his part in the band’s three-guitar attack was their secret weapon (alongside Thom Yorke’s not-so-secret voice). Idiosyncratic and virtuosic without being punchable (very rare), his lead guitar added some sizzle to this (relatively) conventional debut. It would all get even better on the next album, but I will fight anyone (including members of the band) who tries to write this one off.

Play it again: “How Do You?” – obviously not their pinnacle, but Thom being briefly possessed by Johnny Rotten would pay dividends a few years later in snarly songs like “Just” and “Paranoid Android”.
Skip it: “Creep” but only because you’ll probably hear it later today anyway.

5. Hail to the Thief (2003)

The guitars had taken a back seat for the best part of two albums, and dads across the world were getting antsy. Would there ever be another “Creep”? There wouldn’t, but the axes did get a bit of a run out this time, including on many of the strongest songs. That said, the standout track is “Myxomatosis”, which is dominated by a galumphing synth riff that transforms it into easily the funkiest song ever written about sick bunny rabbits.

Play it again: “Myxomatosis”
Skip it: “We Suck Young Blood”

 

4. In Rainbows (2007)

Radiohead disrupted the music industry’s album-release template here, with an innovative “pay-what-you-want” system. One million copies of “In Rainbows” were left by a farm gate on a country lane in Oxfordshire, and fans were invited to put “a few quid” into a wooden honesty box that was shaped like a sharp-toothed cartoon bear – eventually raising a commendable £842. It’s a remarkable, beautiful album, that deepened our love for the band in a way that we didn’t think was possible at the time – and in retrospect my payment of 12 pence and an expired condom severely undervalued it.

Play it again: “Nude”, “Reckoner”, “Videotape” everything sounds effortless on this album (and almost certainly wasn’t).
Skip it: Nah.

3. OK Computer (1997)

Not much more jizz needs to be spilled fluffing this rightly celebrated album, but it’s worth spending a moment on the excellent lyrics. Not as coldly impersonal as they’re reputed to be – just as often they’re vulnerable, or furious, or even funny. The line “kicking squealing Gucci little piggy” [sic] is an absolute world-beater, and I sincerely hope Thom gave himself the rest of the month off after writing it. (Update: he didn’t).

Play it again: “Paranoid Android” obvious choice, but it’s still absolutely thrilling.
Skip it: “Fitter Happier” instead, listen to the cover version on “Radiodread,” Easy Star All-Stars’ superb reggae tribute album (no, really).

2. Kid A (2000)

I fully hated this on the first listen. When a fucking free-jazz brass ensemble parped themselves into existence midway through track 3, “The National Anthem”, I was all ready to frisbee my compact disc right out the window. But I made it through to a curious second listen, and then by listen three I’d already become insufferably evangelical about it. Some kind of witchcraft is at play here – nothing on the album would make it into my top 10 Radiohead songs, and yet the sum of its parts is just magic.

Play it again: “Idioteque”
Skip it: I don’t love all the songs equally, but skipping would be blasphemy.

1. The Bends (1995)

I can’t even remember what else I was listening to in 1995, but it all got ditched soon after “The Bends” came along. It just had this indefinable aura, although I will concede that maybe a small part of that aura could actually be defined as “total dweeb listens to good music for the first time”. So it’s a pretty subjective number one. But if you think its conventional rock band sound makes it automatically less sophisticated than the albums that followed it, might I entreat you to suck upon the octatonic flex that is “Just”? A whole lot of theory shit is going on under its hood, but before you get a chance to discern whether the opening four chords have borrowed a note from the Lydian mode, the song flings you against the wall, stuffs your manuscript paper into your mouth and sneers into your stupid nerdy face.

Play it again: “Just”
Skip it: Just don’t.

5 Music Videos Featuring Abusive Parents That Will Remind You How Much You Hated Being a Kid

Posted on by Sarper Nebula

Historically, teenage angst and broken families have been the bread and butter of alternative music videos. From mothers water-spraying their sons away to fathers holding a gun to their children’s faces, abusive parents have been the perfect antagonists for every video. We decided that it would be in your best interest to check these five videos starring trauma-serving, life-scarring, and emotionally paralyzing parents, or, we have to find you a new home.

Suicidal Tendencies “Institutionalized”

Some parents would rather put you into a mental institution than give you a bottle of Pepsi. Mike’s parents elevate their abuse to conspiratorial levels. First, they gaslight him into thinking that he has emotional problems. Then, as he meditates lying and staring at the ceiling, they accuse him of being on drugs. Finally, Mike’s parents successfully ditch his agency and relocate him to a place where he could write these lyrics with a soft pencil between his front teeth. Was Mike really on drugs? No one knows. What we surely know is that Mike’s old room was turned into an Airbnb.

Korn “Falling Away from Me”

When family violence initiatives cannot reach you in the middle of the night, your best bet is to summon a Nu-Metal band using your magical music box. At least, this is what the video’s teenager-in-distress does to avoid her loser father’s belt. Though it is hard to call anything that has Korn in it magical, Jonathan Davis briefly becomes the video’s Tinkerbell. With his sparkly red magic, Davis successfully gathers the neighborhood’s repressed teens to the front yard. After the show ends, all the kids in the suburb are teleported to a land where there is no death, but only bass-guitar pedals, and tracksuits.

Twisted Sisters “We’re Not Gonna Take It”

Twisted Sisters know how to take a classic trope and put their spin on it: What if your abusive music video dad also happened to be a loveable goof? Make no mistake, the dad in question still harasses his kid by thrashing his room, and calling him a slob. However, the dad’s tyranny ends when Frank Karuba decides to drag him down the stairs by his hair. Watching the torture the dad has to go through almost makes you feel sorry for him. On top of everything, the dad has to endure multiple Steven Seagal-esque throws through the windows, and dry walls which end up with him falling from the second floor.

YungBlud “Parents”

Parental abuse in alternative music videos rarely touched homophobia in the ‘80s and ‘90s. Finally, we have a music video dad who is openly homophobic! Yungblud brings a boy home, and his dad loses it. Despite his dad pointing a pistol at his face, Yungblud seems to preserve his cheery demeanor. Though there are a couple of points to critique: a) Yungblud’s constant smile on his face looks less psychotic, and more mainstream edgy. b) The director fails to inform the audience how a priest got Yungblud and an electric toaster together in a bathtub. These technical problems aside, Yungblud’s stunts manage to keep the viewers’ attention span at a certain level.

Papa Roach “Broken Home”

As opposed to the happy polaroids you would see in an indie video, Papa Roach hits you with rapid shots of a chronically drunken dad which are bright enough to trigger epilepsy. From kicking the back of his son while watching TV to cheating on his wife right before getting arrested, Papa Roach’s abusive dad pushes all the buttons to be the most popular music video parent. Yet, he still doesn’t feel like he’s trying hard. If Jacoby Shaddix punches the unsuspecting ground while singing, he does so out of pure jealousy he feels towards his video dad.

6 Theoretical Spice Girls Who Didn’t Make It Past Early Drafts

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The Spice Girls were one of the biggest musical acts of the 1990s, buoyed to the top of the charts through a combination of amazing pop hooks, charismatic performances, and the capitalist hijacking of third-wave feminism.

One of the key aspects of the Spice Girls’ success was the savvy marketing of the individual members, with each member being given an easy-to-understand persona and nicknames like “Sporty” (relatable/ fun), “Posh” (rich/unpleasant), and Scary (racist?)

But before we got the five original spice girls of Geri, Emma, Mel C, Mel B, and Victoria, the father-and-son heads of Heart Management Bob and Chris Herbert had to go through some prototypes to work out the kinks. Here are six theoretical Spice Girls that never made it past the planning stages!

Crunchy Spice
This potential Spice Girl was an attempt to appeal to the neo-hippie movement of the early 1990s and can be best described as that guy from Spin Doctors with the weird hat in a Baja hoodie, but, y’know, sexy. Early testing revealed that Crunchy Spice’s constant habit of eating Nature Valley granola bars on stage would not go over well with audiences, as well as the inability to get through even a rudimentary dance routine without the aid of a drum circle.

Existential Spice
Heart Management felt the bubbly mannerisms of the rest needed to be balanced out. It does not exactly explain how they initially landed on Existential Spice, whose desolate, Camus-influenced spoken word monologues would have been flatly recited over the bridges to hits like “Wannabe” and “2 Become 1.” Ultimately, they went with Posh Spice instead.

The Spice Girl Who Dwells in the Shadows
The only remaining evidence that this enigmatic, silent Spice Girl was ever contemplated was confiscated by the Vatican after the intern tasked with drafting a concept lost his mind and began raving that “SHE is everywhere!” “SHE is the Gate! SHE is the Key and the Guardian of the Gate!” To speak more of the Spice Girl Who Dwells in the Shadows risks madness, so let’s move on.

Funky Kong Spice
Heart Management contemplated legal action against Nintendo when the popular “Donkey Kong Country” game was released, featuring the popular character with the near-identical name as their best Spice Girl yet. Ultimately, the Herberts would not risk going up against the powerful corporation, abandoning their dream of a denim cut-offs and bandanna-clad Spice Girl who was also covered in fine, lustrous gorilla fur.

Nutmeg
This was a mistake in which a shopping list got mixed in there somehow, but Nutmeg Spice still made it to the final decision-making rounds.

Seinfeld Spice
In 1994, NBC’s “Seinfeld” was a bonafide global smash hit, which explains why Heart Management was eager to ride its coattails. However, the copious, highly specific New York City references, bushy mullet, and catchphrase of “What’s the deal with Girl Power?” did not translate well to British teen audiences.

Punk Sick of Joanna and Chip Gaines Renovating All the Best DIY Venues

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

WACO, Texas — Local punk Brianna “Gutpack” Mullhall was visibly upset upon learning Chip and Joanna Gaines will soon renovate beloved DIY venue Sugar House, “Fixer Upper” viewers report.

“Chip and Joanna Gaines get so much good PR for slapping shiplap on this town when they’re really just demolishing the Waco scene,” Mullhall explained outside the doomed venue. “Where the fuck am I supposed to get shitfaced with my friends now? We can’t go back to the abandoned silos because they got turned into overpriced gift shops. Those gentrifiers even kicked us out for drinking Lone Stars when they’re the ones who replaced the beer cooler with a Dr. Pepper machine. Guess I’ll drive two hours up to Dallas where BYOB still means something.”

Joanna Gaines defended the planned Sugar House renovations, which will appear in the family’s upcoming Discovery series “Fixer Upper: The Venue.”

“Chip and I would never have been blessed with this exciting new project if Waco had a profitable punk scene,” Gaines said while painting the bar countertops white. “It’s not our fault that nobody goes to shows anymore. People should be grateful we’re not leveling the place and turning the whole thing in a parking lot. We’ve got our work cut out for us thanks to the asbestos and the leaky ceiling, but by next year this old sugar mill will be the perfect home for our Magnolia concert series.”

Waco scene historian Carl Wade claimed the city’s local scene was doomed ever since the Gaines family built Magnolia Market, urging fellow punks to preserve remaining venues by gatekeeping harder.

“There are still a few shows happening at undisclosed locations but punks need to keep quiet before Chip and Joanna find out and inevitably buy them,” Wade whispered after verifying no HGTV viewers were within earshot. “I don’t even put up flyers in neighborhoods they’ve renovated. The last thing we need is the Gaines family tearing down another building because they caught word about another venue to destroy. We’re lucky their first show ended before they could the entire town looks like a mid-century hellscape.”

At press time, all shows scheduled in the now-shuttered Sugar House were rescheduled at the old Branch Davidian compound.

What We’re Listening To This Week

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

When the esteemed writing team here at the Hard Times isn’t busy crafting Pulitzer-worthy journalistic masterpieces, they can often be found listening to music. Some of it is actually pretty good, too! We’ve compiled a list of some of the freshest tracks and classic oldies that have been inspiring our opuses this past week.

Arlo Parks “Pegasus (ft. Phoebe Bridgers)”

Phoebe Bridgers has been on seemingly everyone’s tracks this year. From SZA and The National to a guest appearance on a voicemail from your mom; the list seems to expand infinitely. Of course, all of these features have been exceptional, but this time Bridgers is lending her dulcet tones to absolute powerhouse Arlo Parks. The British singer-songwriter recently announced her forthcoming sophomore effort, ‘My Soft Machine,’ which promises to repeat the perfection of her 2021 debut. The fourth single from this run, “Pegasus,” features one of the catchiest hooks we’ve heard from Parks, Bridgers, or possibly anyone else we’ve listened to this year. Make sure you set down your drink before the fantastic trip-hop beat drops in after the masterful build. You won’t want to spill it when you start doing your signature dance that makes all of your friends cringe when you aren’t looking.

The Gaslight Anthem “Positive Charge”

Say what you will about New Jersey’s second-finest export, but just know that they have toured AND performed with Bruce Springsteen. Last time we checked, Bruce is literally the fucking Boss. Counting him as a fan automatically makes this band better than any you’ve been in, so quit the charade and listen already. TGA’s new single “Positive Charge,” debuted a few weeks ago and it denotes the end of a seven-year hiatus for the band. Long-time fans are sure to welcome this one with open arms as it features many of the group’s tried and true sounds, complete with raging guitars and heartfelt vocals. Newcomers visiting this track are destined to eagerly dig through the band’s back catalog after realizing they’re listening to a modern band and not a recently unearthed Springsteen demo.

The Exploding Hearts “So Bored (2023 Mix)”

The story of The Exploding Hearts is painfully brief and equally tragic. What should have been a stratospheric rise for the band was cut short by a horrific automobile accident in the summer of 2003. Despite their short time with us, the ethos of this gone-but-not-forgotten Portland quartet still reverberates through the indie-rock realm, influencing all who stumble upon their fantastic work. Their debut and, sadly, final album, “Guitar Romantic,” is celebrating its 20th anniversary this year. Third Man Records has taken it upon themselves to keep the band’s memory alive with a lovingly remixed and remastered version of this truly excellent album. In addition to the record’s already flawless tracklist, TMR is delighting fans with unreleased material like this newly dropped mix of the hidden gem “So Bored.” Be sure to blast this at full volume and pour one out for these absolute saviors of rock and roll.

DRAIN “Living Proof”

It’s official, hardcore is thrash metal now. Remember that short-lived period of time when Metallica could have passed for a punk band? Of course you don’t. DRAIN certainly does, though, and they are on a mission to make you never forget about it. As accurate as that description is, it still doesn’t come close to encapsulating the band’s ever-morphing sound. All we know is that these four assholes are making hardcore sound so fun that we might actually kind of hate them for it. Perhaps you’ve been avoiding them for the same reason. Listen, we get it, but it’s time we all lighten up and enjoy things every once in a while. In addition to featuring some of the tightest riffs you’ve ever heard in your life, the closing and titular track of DRAIN’s latest LP, ‘Living Proof,’ prominently features a cowbell. You’d think that would sound lame but it actually goes hard as fuck.

The Cure “Push”

We love new jams just as much as the next publication, but sometimes we feel the need to dig deep and dive right into our feels to produce the award-winning social commentary you have come to expect from us. No band gets us there quite like the Cure, who have recently just been announced as a headliner for Riot Fest. If that news doesn’t get you go, go, going, the lead riff here will certainly have you flipping over your desk in no time. Please be advised that we cannot be held responsible if you decide to go down a very sad Cure rabbit hole and text your ex again, though.

Sorry Mom “Teeth”

Rumor has it that you love Hop Along but you wish they didn’t feel the need to show off all the fucking time. We have just the thing for you. Enter Sorry Mom. New York’s femme queer punk trio has been scratching an itch we didn’t even know we had since their single “Teeth” came out a few weeks ago. The hypnotic grooves on this track are sure to have you in a trance-like state. It’s a spell that is only broken when lead-singer Juno Moreno shows up with an amazing vocal that sounds like a caffeinated Kimya Dawson entering the body of a sleepless Frances Quinlan. Their new album ‘babyface’ just dropped last week, and we implore you to become as obsessed with it as we are.

The National “Bloodbuzz Ohio”

We’ve been trying our hardest to get into the new National album, but our melatonin pills have been working just fine on their own. Honestly, we’ve never felt better and our skin looks great. You should give it a try. Anyway, the band just announced the return of their famed ‘Homecoming’ festival in Cincinnati, OH. It will be the first time the beloved Midwest event has taken place since 2018. We’re not sure what caused the four-year gap, but it must have been a pretty big deal. Anyway, while attempting to catch up on their newer material, we naturally gravitated to this absolute banger from their definitive 2010 album ‘High Violet.’ We’re sure we’ll appreciate the new stuff more when we hear it live or perhaps when they release an even more boring album in a few years.

Mikey & His Uke “Wish (Nine Inch Nails cover ft. Tony Hawk)”

It’s always great when a classic becomes a new hit all over again, and this track checks off that box with a significant amount of flare. We were so excited when this one dropped that we actually passed out a few times before we could even load it up. Having dazzled audiences to great effect in the past with his cherub-like voice, Tony Hawk seems intent on staying in the Punk Rock Karaoke spotlight a bit longer. Here we see him lending his golden cords to this absolutely star-stacked cover of Nine Inch Nails’ classic, ‘Wish.’ Featuring members of the Dillinger Escape Plan, Every Time I Die, and the Bronx, the track already reeks of your favorite imaginary Warped Tour lineup. Listening to this one on repeat feels like you’re expanding your taste without having to do any actual work, which is why we fully endorse it.

Gen Z Goth Assumed Alice Cooper’s Music Would Sound Better

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BROCKPORT, N.Y. — Local goth Adriana Ross was let down by her assumption that the music of longtime rocker Alice Cooper would sound, you know, different, pasty sources report.

“I saw a photo on Instagram of Alice Cooper and I thought, ‘wow, this guy’s music must be some OG goth shit,” Ross said. “Boy, was I very, very wrong. With his aesthetic, I expected something like The Cure, or maybe even some cool death rock like 45 Grave or something. But no, all I heard was some corny-ass dinosaur rock. ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy?’ ‘Thrill My Gorilla?’ What the fuck is that? I should have known I was getting into some cheesy shit when I saw at one point he had Rambo as a guitarist.”

Alice Cooper weighed in on this seemingly frequent misunderstanding among new listeners.

“To be honest, it’s never easy. For decades, I’ve had to deal with younger generations of goths who are unfamiliar with my career, and shoulder their disappointment after their first listen,” Cooper explained while adjusting his top hat. “I don’t enjoy seeing goths cry because of the pain I caused them from hearing a 75-year-old man sing about how awesome it is being 18. I’d much rather lose my head in an actual guillotine than deal with that one more time.”

Veteran music critic Robert Lopez gave his insight regarding the world of visually deceptive artists.

“There have been many musicians aside from Alice Cooper who deceive goths into thinking their music may fit their tastes,” Lopez explained. “For example, a slew of them lost their shit over hearing King Diamond for the first time. I suppose they expect some sort of badass satanic Bauhaus or something, when in reality, they’re getting a badass satanic Frankie Valli. It’s really a win-win if you ask me.”

At press time, Ross was tweeting about Cooper’s appearance in “Wayne’s World.”