SOUTH KINGSTOWN, R.I. — Ben Bryes, guitarist for local alt-rock band Swiss Army Gun, reportedly switched his instrument while performing even though literally no one could tell, indifferent sources confirmed.
“We have this new track called ‘Rome Wasn’t Built In a Day,’ more of a moody downtempo ballad, and it really helps when I whip out my axe that isn’t in drop D,” reported the hopelessly optimistic Bryers. “We only want to provide the most killer experience for those that come out to see us – how else are we gonna graduate from opener to main event? I’m always prepared for any extremely minor changes in tone that could make or break the whole set. I’ve got three other guitars on a rack offstage too, just in case I think the crowd really needs to hear something different.”
Music fan Jason Simmons was completely indifferent to the guitar exchange that occurred before his very eyes.
“Yeah, this venue’s PA usually sounds like complete shit so I’m not even tuned in to whatever the hell they’re doing,” Simmons explained. “I figured maybe he broke a string and borrowed that guitar from one of the other bands while it was getting fixed. I genuinely could hear zero, and I mean zero, difference between instruments. This guy must be under the impression there are more than 17 people here, and that we all don’t have intensive hearing damage.”
Sound industry professional Laurie Gravers, who handles the soundboard at the South Kingstown Roundhouse, expressed little sympathy for the plight of Swiss Army Gun.
“I’m not saying this job is easy, but I definitely enjoy getting a little break when it comes to opening acts,” Gravers admitted. “For a good chunk of the soundchecking stage, I’m getting paid for nothing but giving a few affirmative nods as the Swiss Cheeses or whatever they’re called are trying to ‘get their audio levels just right.’ No one cares, no one is ever going to care, and if they care, they are in the wrong business.”
At press time, Swiss Army Gun managed to finally score some applause from two or three people in the crowd after thanking the headliner for the chance to open for them.
If you’ve listened to this whole album, which we are willing to bet most of you haven’t, this probably comes as no surprise to you. We are all for bands experimenting with their sound, just not like this. The worst part about this whole thing is that the album doesn’t make us want to do anything the band suggests we do to it; except for die to, because then we wouldn’t have to hear it anymore.
This one features artists like YUNGBLUD, Nova Twins, and Amy Lee. It also has an appearance from BABYMETAL, a band with a strong following of middle-aged men who definitely only like the group for their musicianship and absolutely nothing else. The album starts off super strong with the fast, highly moshable track “Dear Diary,” but the vibe quickly shifts with whatever the hell “Parasite Eve” is. The rest of the album ebbs and flows until Amy Lee sends the listener off choked-up and teary-eyed, as she’s been known to do.
Not only did this album launch BMTH into the spotlight, it also made frontman Oli Sykes the heartthrob of every middle-school-aged girl with a Hot Topic aesthetic, and, speaking personally here, some middle-school-aged boys fitting the same description. While CYB certainly wasn’t doing anything new, it nailed a sound that many bands at the time were desperately trying to attempt. Thankfully, most “____core” bands from this era have either evolved or faded into obscurity. Let’s hope those that did never return.
The band’s second full-length was a true sophomore album in every sense. They showed growth but were still kinda immature and cringe. Between the music video for “Chelsea Smile” and the infamous “I partied naked with Bring Me The Horizon” merch drop, the boys seemed to be trying to craft this bizarre scene jock image. If you can look past that though, the album is still pretty solid.
This album has it all; riffs, breakdowns, sing-alongs, and dance tracks featuring Grimes. “amo” was, at the time, easily the band’s most ambitious release in terms of experimentation and blending genres; and it worked, really well. The commercial success of this one came as a surprise to many, with tracks like “medicine” even getting play in large grocery store chains, serving as a harsh reminder to former scenesters turned suburbanites that they used to be cool, and that those holes in their ears aren’t going to close.
Oli always, like, kind of sort of teased singing on previous releases, but “Sempiternal” was the album that would give him a new signature sound, and the band’s eventual Tik-Tok stardom (unbeknownst to literally everyone at the time.) What was obvious to most is that this was the album that would shape the band’s sound from here on out, which some liked, and others still aren’t over. “Sempiternal” also gave us the “this is sand pit turtle” meme, which is still funny as far as we’re concerned.
No one expected a band like Bring Me to put out an album that you could play in the car with your parents and they’d tolerate. And let’s face it, your parents have hated everything you’ve ever done since you decided to major in poetry in college. Put simply, this is a really good, accessible rock album. If you were still trying to gatekeep the band at this point, you really had your work cut out for you.
This album is so good that we are willing to overlook the annoyingly long title, but it was the style of the time after all. BMTH did the seemingly impossible with this one; evolved their sound in a way that even the metalcore purists could get down with. This release essentially came with an announcement that fans should expect the unexpected from them moving forward, and that whatever they decided to do, it would be good. Besides “Music To Listen To…” of course.
Typically an escape room will allow for more players than is really helpful. You don’t want too many cooks in the kitchen stepping all over each other. Uncle Bill is in town? Okay. Whatever other alcoholic he’s currently dating? They can sit this one out.
It is crucial that everyone on your team is on the same page at all times. You found a potential combo? Say it. You solved a lock? Tell everybody. You’ve always felt stifled by your mother’s fear of letting you spread your wings and you resent her? Well, no, you’re not going to say that. You’re just going to sit on that and let it fester and rot forever.
Sure you’re incapable of doing this with your children when it matters most, like when they try getting you to see them for who they are not who you want them to be, but you can do it in a puzzle room for an hour, right? Right?
Not only is ignoring the house rules potentially dangerous, it can be a huge waste of time. That door labeled “staff only” isn’t a red herring, so don’t try to open it! You’re kid saying “Stop asking me if I’m on drugs!” might actually have clinical depression, so stop trying to find their stash instead of getting them help!
You never know where something could be hiding, so look around! Maybe there’s a clue hiding under that jewelry box. Maybe that candelabra is a secret switch. Maybe that hug from your father is hiding under that rug.
Many escape rooms use basic combo locks that you could learn to pick on Youtube, but don’t. Not only is it cheating, but it can disrupt the natural flow of the game. It might feel like a victory in the moment, but it can make things harder and more confusing in the long run. It’s like when Dad bought everyone ice cream instead of apologizing for punching that hole in the wall.
Typically in an escape room, once you’ve used something you won’t use it again, so it’s helpful to make a “discard” pile to avoid wasting time. Keys and combos are like the trust between parent and child. Once you’ve exploited it, it’s done forever.
If you’ve found the first 3 numbers to a 4 digit lock but you just can’t find the 4th, don’t waste time looking! Just cycle through all 10 possibilities for the last number. And if you’ve tried every conceivable way of forcing your son to be interested in football, maybe just accept that they aren’t you!
An escape room is all about the experience. The most rewarding escapes are usually the ones that take the full hour. You’re here to have fun, not set records. Save that high-expectation pressure for shaming your daughter when she only gets into her backup school.
Most escape rooms are non-linear, with multiple puzzles that can be solved at the same time. Instead of everyone crowding around one lock, branch off and see what you can accomplish. It’s a great strategy for escape, and a great way to internalize “I am so much more without these people.”
We all have blind spots, so if you think you know how to solve a puzzle but you’re just not getting anywhere, try giving another member of your group a turn. Hey, that worked! Now, will you help your wife get the free time she needs to land that real estate license instead of trying and failing to open that bar forever? No? Hmm.
Anxiety won’t help you solve puzzles. It’s 15 minutes in and you haven’t solved anything? Stay calm. You’re 30 minutes in and you’re still in the first room? Stay calm. The thin veneer of a functional family is crumbling around you while a stranger watches on camera and judges you? Stay calm.
Keep used locks in one place and try to keep items that seem to be related close together. You don’t want this escape room turning into another illustration of your collective depression and turmoil, like the kitchen.
Your family really ought to know by now that this solves nothing.