WILMINGTON, N.C. — Ambient musician Julian Sino’s latest album is being hailed as a masterpiece, but fans still don’t think it’s as good as “The Office” for background noise, sheepish sources confirm.
“Sino said in an interview that he created the piece amidst a devastating hurricane. He described the experience of watching his beloved hometown being ravaged right outside his studio,” said longtime fan Hudson Lozano, turning down the TV behind him. “Instead of stopping to mourn, he recorded the cacophony and slowed it down into the beautiful drone that carries throughout the album, almost as a goodbye to our crumbling earth. It’s as if he managed to fast-forward tragedy into beauty and understanding. Which all sounds great, but when I’m trying to get work done or do some chores around the house ‘The Office’ is much better at reducing my anxiety. Unless it’s ‘Scott’s Tots,’ I always skip that one.”
Sino has never been more proud of his work, but he is still not receiving the reaction he hoped for.
“This album is both something to wrestle with and listen to whenever you need to meditate. It’s about processing hardship to find inner peace. And if anyone in this house would turn off that goddamn show long enough to take a listen, maybe they’d know that!” shouted Sino, turning to his children in the living room. “They’re not even watching the TV! It just sits in the background while they play their video games. God forbid they try to experience what my critics are calling my ‘magnum opus’ for like five minutes! I mean, how many times can someone watch that episode where Jan throws a Dundie at Michael’s TV, anyway? I understand creating tension in art, but it’s just downright uncomfortable!”
Andrea Berger, a therapist specializing in sensory processing, has observed this phenomenon.
“I spend all day addressing patients’ issues, so of course I’ve tried every audio experience you can imagine. But they’re not all the same,” Berger explained. “White noise and nature sounds can certainly set a mood. A nice ambient playlist is kind of like prescribing Tylenol: it helps a little, but it doesn’t tackle any deeper issues. If I need the big guns, there’s only one choice: Jim putting a stapler in Jello on loop. It’s like shooting a familiar peace directly into your veins. It really is the best drug I’ve got. Well, besides actual hard drugs; those always work.”
At press time, Sino was seen openly weeping at a five-star steakhouse while his wife asked if she could just get a burger.
Dua Lipa is an all-around pop star and instant hit writer. Not many can say they wrote the songs “Levitating” and “New Rules” all while being under the age of 30. Still, despite Dua’s impressive rise to megastardom and classic good looks, she too will ultimately be forced to grapple with the unforgiving current of time which leaves you standing at the foot of your own grave, either to accept your fate and die in peace or have your life violently ripped from your tight, relentless grasp. We also caught her eating frozen yogurt one time. She is truly just like us!
Al Pacino is a charismatic, well-respected Hollywood star and a very talented actor. We’re big fans of his movies, especially the ones where he shows his chops playing a smooth-talking mafia boss. But what if we told you even this A-lister is subject to the deep suffering inherent to life, including illness, death, loss, pain, and longing for that which will never come to pass. Who knew we had so much in common with this Godfather icon?
This one came as a shocker to us too. Even Oprah—beloved TV personality and the only person alive with a book club that people care about— will one day find herself aged and alone and left wondering: was it all worth it? What does it all mean? It may have felt meaningful in the moment, and yet these moments pass. It all passes—the love, the anger, the wanting, even the loss. When it comes down to it, these things are all just toys we are playing with, and in the end we will have to put them all back. Is any of it worth it if we must put it all back? These daunting questions are ones that await us all, including Oprah. She’s just like us!
Gordon Ramsay has got to be the funniest TV chef on the air right now! We love it when he hits an amateur chef with that biting British sass. At the same time, this British sass won’t’ save Gordon Ramsay from one day falling to his knees at the cold face of reality, the reality that there is never a right time, that it all feels wrong and that is the very nature of death: it has no mercy, no reason, no vendetta, just the promise to come for all and stop for none. Thanks for staying relatable, Gordon!
Despite seeming like an invincible outgrowth of the Disney teen enterprise, Bella Thorne is—you guessed it—totally defenseless when it comes to the inevitable outcome of this mortal life. But what about her work on Disney’s hit show “Shake It Up” and her advocacy for the dyslexia community? These things may be impressive, but they ultimately will amount to very little in comparison to the feeling of watching everyone she was ever close to being lapped up in the jaws of time.
This “Deal or No Deal” host has had an illustrious career filled with entertainment accolades and cameos on various TV shows that make you go: “Hey, is that Howie Mandel?” Still, even Howie will eventually have to “deal or no deal” with the fact that nothing is promised but the end of consciousness as we know it, and if there is a God he may be cruel or he may be kind, but he will not spare you from robbing you of your blood, your beating heart, and all your earthly attachments.
Kylie Jenner’s Baby, otherwise known as Aire Webster, is one of the most famous babies online today. With an infant net-worth of more money than most people will ever see in their lifetimes, Aire already seems to live a life beyond relatability. Still, even this famous baby will one day grow up and pass through the ages, all the while inching closer to know grief and loss, wounds only to be healed by time and then reopened again as life runs its brutal course. Yes, even this rich baby is just like us!
Last but not least on this list—and a win for some LGBT representation—is uber-famous and now-problematic star Ellen DeGeneres. Little does Ellen know, the various controversies she faced in the past few years are nothing compared to life’s ultimate scandal: death and the fateful question of the manner in which it will be thrust upon you. Now here’s a scandal we can relate to! As it turns out, now-problematic Ellen is just like us. We’re not sure how we feel about this one!
