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Local Show Downgraded to Band Meeting

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local show headlined by The Jesters of the Information Age was downgraded to a standard band meeting after failing to draw even a single crowd member two hours after doors opened, multiple sources have confirmed.

“I invited my entire contact list. The ones that didn’t block my number all said ‘I’ll definitely try to make it!’ so I thought we’d be playing our biggest audience yet. Maybe even double digits,” said frontman Clay Bommer, aggressively tuning his already in-tune guitar. “I thought we may as well get some work done while we’re together. The whiskey shots we all downed to pregame started to kick in, so we just got drunk, picked at some complimentary popcorn at the bar, and talked about our goals for the next year. We brainstormed new ways to get people to show up to our gigs, like paying them to come out, or offering to do chores around their house. It was our most productive meeting yet. I wish there was a way having a band could always be this fun.”

Bar owner, Sal Laguzzio, expressed his bewilderment at the whole situation,

“I mean, these shows usually don’t get much traction, but this was on another level. It’s like God himself didn’t want anyone to hear them play. Even my staff left,” said Laguzzio, ripping down the shittiest poster you’ve ever seen. “We’re always packed on a Saturday night regardless of the band playing, so once everybody left I checked my phone to see if there was a nuclear threat alert or something that I missed. I called some of my regulars to see where they were and they all claimed that ‘Something came up last minute.’”

Music Therapist, Joanne Berger, gave her insight into this phenomenon,

“I use music to help people with PTSD. I listened to this band, and they’re great! I think they’d be perfect for a government program where you’re trying to get terrorists to kill themselves,” said Berger. “It’s amazing that so many people who usually congregate at this bar collectively and instinctively sensed the danger they were in. It speaks to how powerful music can be. It can save lives, and it can destroy them without so much as a single note being played.”

At press time, Bommer was seen, alone, setting up equipment in the noodle aisle of Hank’s Hardware and Pool Supply for a ‘Comeback Show.’