As any red-blooded American patriot knows, the insidious woke mind virus has always targeted children the most, and we are finally fighting back. Thanks to calls for bans on grooming communist LGBTQ+ propaganda, books like “The Antiracist Baby,” “My Two Mommies,” and “Everybody Poops” are on their way out, Amen! The next phase is Hollywood. Patriots, we have our work cut out for us.
The road to de-woking children’s entertainment will be long. Sure, Kirk Cameron recently started a conservative children’s show, the crowd funding video for which plays like an early Trump-era NRA commercial, and that’s wonderful, but this thing goes deeper than we thought.
The Satanic left has been at this for decades, and while Conservative A-listers like Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio, and Kevin Sorbo are helping to turn the tide, there is a lot to dismantle. It’s not just “Captain Underpants” and “Bluey” we need to worry about, the woke anti-American agenda goes back further than that.
In our home we have banned all children’s shows produced since Obama took office, thinking they would be safe. You probably remember “The Care Bears” as harmless adorable children’s entertainment. You. Are. Wrong. These colorful anthropomorphic critters have all but radicalized my son into being a sensitive, compassionate, kind human being. In other words, a seven-year-old cuck-beta.
Know what you’re up against. Here is every Care Bear ranked by their threat level to this country’s traditional conservative value system.
39. America Cares Bear
One of the good ones. America Cares Bear, you’re the best of a bad lot and we salute you. Stand down, and stand by.
38. Grumpy Bear
You would be grumpy too if you lived in a land of WOKES who shoot rainbows out of their stomachs!
37. Do Your Best Bear
Do Your Best Bear wants everyone to reach their full potential. He’s basically the Joe Rogan of the Care Bear world and I can respect that, but what’s up with the kite logo? Do kids really need to be encouraged to be the best kite flyers they can be?
36. Champ Care Bear
At least one of these coddled little furbabies isn’t afraid of a goddamn baseball, unlike the rest of the Care Bears and my sissy nephew! Men used to go to war in this country, but now you beam one little brat in the eye with a fastball completely by accident and everyone wants to know how many beers you had.
35. Good Luck Bear
I kinda like this guy. He’s got a 4 leaf clover on his stomach so he’s probably a Celtics fan, and he’s one of the few Care Bears we can assume isn’t circumcised.
34. Brave Heart Lion
He’s the leader of the Care Cousins, a splinter cell of the Care Bears, sort of like their ISIS. At least he’s an alpha. An apex predator, much like myself.
33. Funshine Bear
At least one of these things is encouraging kids to actually go outside and PLAY instead of just staying on their phones canceling Kevin Spacey all day!
32. Bright Heart Raccoon
He’s the brains of the bunch, capable of boosting the intelligence of his cuddly dimwitted brethren whenever needed. He’s a walking neutropic, but I’m not buying it until further lab data comes in or Joe Rogan tells me to.
31. Birthday Bear
This guy is always celebrating birthdays because it’s always someone’s birthday somewhere. Is that not the most pathetic “everyone gets a trophy” nonsense you’ve ever heard in your life?
30. Playful Heart Monkey
They call this one the Joker of the Care Bear family but not once does he refer to himself as an agent of chaos. Also, men used to go to WAR!
29. Smart Heart Bear
If this bear was really so smart she would know that facts don’t care about your feelings. Do your own research Smart Heart Bear, don’t just listen to someone because they are so-called “experts.”
28. Daydream Bear
Daydream is “far out,” if you catch my meaning. Just looked at the glazed eyes, the dopey expression, the tie-dye hearts on her stomach. She’s basically a fuzzier Cheech and Chong. I don’t want pot anywhere near my kids until they’re old enough to buy CBD gummies from the cigar shop in the strip mall my biker friends launder money through.
27. Perfect Panda and Polite Panda
As Pandas, they represent the philosophies of the East that so often lure college students and pot smokers away from the light of Christ. Note the smiling pentagram on Perfect’s stomach, definitely Satan-coded. They always speak in rhyme, a practice known to cultivate orgone energy and imbue them with dark powers.
26. Loyal Heart Dog
Any dog with a bite force under 300 PSI is a cat.
25. Grams
Note that there is no “Gramps” bear, proof positive that Care Bear society is a matriarchal communist hellscape.
24. Thanks-a-lot Bear
Teaching our children gratefulness undermines their drive to compete. Next thing you know they’ll be apologizing for things. It’s all part of the liberal conspiracy to raise an entire generation too weak to fend off the temptations of Satan.
23. Laugh-a-lot Bear
Yup, you cancel Louis CK and Chapelle and this is what you get. Laugh-a-lot bear is not funny. She’s too woke and nervous to take big swings and be offensive, which I happen to believe is a true comedian’s job, sorry if that offends you! I bet this chick wouldn’t last one minute at the Comedy Cellar table. Pretty sure they don’t allow women anyway.
22. Share Bear
Maybe she should lose those heart lollipops on her stomach and replace them with a photo of Che Guevara because this bear is a goddamn COMMIE!
21. Best Friend Bear
Another smiling pentagram on the stomach, this time connected to a heart by a rainbow. Translation—Satanic bears want to turn your children gay.
Yes, he’s built like a tank, but you can easily see him coming. He’s the guy that looks like a giant piece of wood. If you stay on the opposite side of the pit as him he’s going to be a non-factor. And if he gets pissed off what does he do? He surrounds himself with some leaves and then drops a bunch of foliage from the ceiling. Big deal, a falling leave has never hurt anyone. You’ve been to This is Hardcore for the past 12 years, you have seen far worse.
Another absolute unit, but there isn’t much to worry about here unless you are an aging hardcore kid who’s wearing a toupee for some reason. All this dude does is act as a giant fan, if anything, this guy is a welcome relief. Like when a security guard splashes water on people between songs. Air Man is most useful just standing next to the drummer to make sure that guy stays cool, it’s hot back there and they are working hard.
It’s unclear if this guy can even operate without being submerged in water. But let’s say Bubble Man shows up to the show and decides to be a pit boss. The only thing he’s going to be able to do is get the floor a little damp. So things might get a little slippery, but this isn’t your first rodeo. If you get too close to Bubble Man he might be able to make it look like you peed your pants, but nobody is even going to notice. He’s wasting his time.
We still aren’t really sure what Flash Man even does, he stops time for a few seconds? So what? But that makes him kind of a wildcard. He might just stand in the corner all night with his arms crossed, or he might stage dive feet first and dropkick you in the back. It’s tough to say, or maybe he will stop time for 3 entire seconds so he can cut you in line at the merch table.
The venue is already hot enough. It’s nearly summer, the place hasn’t had air conditioning since the first Clinton administration, and all the windows are painted shut. It’s sweltering, so you are going to want to stay as far away from Heat Man as possible. If you piss him off he’s going to set himself on fire, and then he can shoot himself like a fireball across the pit. Stay on his good side, maybe talk with him outside the venue and get him to light your cigarette, but avoid him in the pit if you can. Your new camo pants are a polyester blend that will melt to your skin.
Crash Man is the first dude in the pit and the last guy out. He goes off for the band the entire time because his cardio is insane, and he has drills instead of hands. If you do see him taking a break alongside the pit do not go near him, he will stick his arm out and drill straight through your spine and then be like “Woah, he hit me first. I was just trying to keep him off of me” as you bleed out on the floor.
This guy is fast as hell, and he throws multiple boomerangs for some reason. If you see him walk into a show then just find a place by the wall where you can keep a good eye on him. He’s going to start a circle pit during every song. It doesn’t matter if the band is a thrash band or a stoner sludge band. There will be a circle pit, he will run laps around you, and he will chop your legs off at the knees with his stupid boomerangs.
Much like Quick Man, Metal Man is fast as hell and loves to throw shit. But this guy doesn’t have silly little boomerangs. He’s got metal blades like you would see in a table saw and he has a lot of them. The guy loves to throw them too. Rumor has it that Metal Man is so violent he was asked to leave a Bad Luck 13 Riot Extravaganza show in 1998 because he was “Too dangerous.” If you see Metal Man at a show, get back in your car, go home, forget you listen to hardcore music.
Weird. Al. Has. No. Bad. Albums. However, one record had to be legally be listed last here, especially since the insurrection, and if we can survive the “Alpocalypse” which is not even close to being as good as “Alapalooza” and features a smiling Cyrus, three religious brothers similar to the oh-so-cute Hanson boys but different, a small artist known as Taylor Swift who hasn’t been heard from since, and cataracts, yes, cataracts, then anything is possible! Still, this record was his highest charting full-length at the time, with a number nine debut on the Billboard 200. In addition, to prove us further wrong with this ranking, it was also nominated for a Grammy. Stop forwarding that crap to us? WHATEVER YOU LIKE. FYI: Casual WAY fans need to celebrate his style parodies as much as they do with his parodies like the ‘83 track, “I Love Rocky Road”.
2003 was the year that mall screamo/post-hardcore almost took over the H&M world with such curiously major label acts as Thursday, Thrice, and Poison the Well put out yelly and singy music, so it was easy to write Al off before the poodles went out to pasture. Still, the weirdest of the weird, and the strangest of the strange, Yankovician the Fredal proved that he was so, so much more than an angry white boy doing polka with underrated WAY gems like “Genius In France” and “Moron Out England”… And don’t try to get us started on the Vanilla Ice inspired album opener, “Couch Potato”! Coincidence that the potato opened the record with starch and closed it with escargot? Only Bob knows why.
Fun fact: Key & Peele’s very own Key & Peele appear in what is very likely Al’s most successful music video this century for the rockin’ rollin’ track, “White & Nerdy.” As YouTube culture took over the earth as a prequel to Vine, TikTok, and current juggernaut Friendster, Al showed that he could not be messed with as he ran the parody power game. Since this is the THIRD entry here and the #12 listing, we have a THREE part confessional list of pieces of diarrhea advice that you should practice every day: 1) Don’t download this song. 2) No matter what, you’re always close, but no cigar, to cake, so eat well. 3) Check your pancreas with a batter of syrup and a bowl of Advil, especially if you’re Canadian.
It’s no secret that every album ranking piece is subjective, except this one, and it’s also not false that Al’s best albums are from the ’80s/’90s, so it pains us to admit that “Polka Party!” is Al’s worst effort from the ’80s/last century, even though it has some of the best cover art. But have no fear as it is also better than every band’s LP who has played Warped Tour’s stages other than Cherry Poppin’ Daddies’ 1990 effort “Ferociously Stoned,” which doesn’t contain their biggest hit, “Zoot Suit Riot,” riot, which, well, ya know, dorks! So, listen to your heart, do not wear those shirts, live proudly with your hernia, re-watch the first five, yes, five, Rocky films, as “Rocky V” is not as bad as you remember, and start lighting menorahs for lower Manhattan; our non-BS thoughts/prayers go out to anyone harmed by 9/11.
“Weird Al” Yankovic’s most recent album as of now but likely forever, “Mandatory Fun” obviously debuted in the gold medal position on Billboard’s US Top Comedy Albums, miles over Michael Richards’ EP, and shocked the world by actually and literally having its first week be at NUMBER ONE on the US Billboard 200, which we are not being sarcastic, sardonic, silly, or sports about. Call it Millennial nostalgia if you want, but Al proved he’s still got it.
It truly says A LOT that one of the best soundtracks of all time is ranked NINTH here in this piece; Al is that good. If you still haven’t seen this perfect film let us be your hog and stop reading this/listening to it on your iPhone with a random Backstreet Boys vocalist not named AJ effortlessly reading it, and tune into all of the flick, all of it, with your phone in airplane mode so Cousin Deb can’t access you. Cool? If you have seen it before, do the same thing in second gear for moms’. Get it? The late Gandhi does, and did so twice! Three letters haven’t meant so much since “A-S-S,” and will likely never ever again.
“Albuquerque” is “Weird Al”’s best original composition, and if we’re being honest, it’s his best song… And that includes his parodies. Frank Zappa, Frank Sinatra, Junior, Frank Stallone, and ballpark Franks would all be salty yet proud of Al(fred) for this epic album closer in a decade of epic album closers like “All Apologies,” “Only In Dreams,” “Goodbye Sky Harbor,” and “Sumthin’ Wicked This Way Comes.” We don’t need to say anything else about jogging with knives, but we may as well: Diddy may be canceled now but his rock version of “It’s All About The Benjamins” gets slapped in the best way with dollar signs being replaced with PCs, and we are NOT talking about WWE’s Performance Center.
What. A. Debut. No words. Just listen. Happy birthday!
We may be at the fighting King Kong slot in Tom’s Top Eight, but we’re nearing the five highest ranked albums in WAY’s perfect album catalog, and sadly the late/great Coolio loses to hipster icon in a world of icons’, Jeff “Earth Girls Are Jurassic” Goldblum. Don’t feel bad for any fantastic voyage that anyone’s since you’ve been gone, and remember Larry from da leisure suit in bad (hair day) times, and worse. Remember The Jerky Boys? They made prank phone calls sometimes calling in sick? Rizzo? Frank Rizzo? Well, we know that he isn’t a Stallone, Sinatra, Junior, the weirdest of the weird, Frank Zappa, or a salty/savory mess of meats in a meat sac. Now be gone! We’re so sick of you, FORREST! In closing, there is nothing paradise-like like the script for 2008’s underrated, “Sex Drive,” and everything you know is wrong.
1993 was a year for the books! “In Utero,” “Vs.,” Rancid’s debut self-titled LP, and, obviously, En Vogue’s “Runaway Love” EP all showed that Wu-Tang Clam would eventually be nothing to ele-funk with tartar sauce. Yeah. That’s right. Back to our irregularly bowled dictation of an album title called “Alapalooza,” which implies that we’d prefer to go to a festival created by Al Yankovic over the almost as cool Perry Farrell. There ain’t no pyro for pornos for the young, dumb, and/or ugly on the more G rated/PG leaning Al songs. Even your most favorite 405 traffic jam would agree but not with Eric Clapton’s racist statements in the 1970s. Don’t believe us? Use GOOGLE, YAHOO, teleportation, OR GeoCities, Flea! Thanks, Chad Smith!
1992 had even better objectively and subjectively mainstream rock music than 1993 with Yellow Ledbetter’s “Core,” Rage Against The Machine’s self-titled ten-track masterpiece of a full-length studio album, and Alice in Chains’ “Dirt.” Then there was our friend Mr. Weird who blew it all out of the water. We dock him some points for not hanging hog on the cover of the album. Come on Al, dump that thing out.
Oooooo! That’s right, there are zero skips/dad jokes for “Even Worse,” Al’s bronze-winning entry. This album deserves all of the public flowers that it received back then in the year that the first Bush was elected President of the United States of America with a Vice President who couldn’t spell, and at least six more positive word series cornucopia of powerful positive praises! Lasagna love may have gone by the wayside of America’s favorite pooch, Garfield, but you always need catchy/plenty of music to and over and over and over and over and over and over again; the fat good old days are over!
Rest in peace, Bob Casale, Devo mainstay, producer for Vandals, of 11561’s “Black Jacket Soul,” and proud papa of Sam and Alex. Now for something completely different from the Devo approved d-evolution: The title track to this album, which is ranked number two here out of FOURTEEN, is “Weird Al” Yankovic’s second best original song. Facts. No counter arguments are accepted here or in a court of law. Say yes to “duck,”; say no to “drugs” as the duck STARTS here. Show us how to get down, baby. Get it? Don’t beg for bed crumbs, and mind what we say, or it’s gonna b3 one more minute with you, which will leave us not that far behind in 3-D/its Rolodex.
Sophomore slump or comeback of the year? You decide, but please wear da EX RAE SPEX, you midnight stars! Few likely expected “Weird Al”’s self-titled LP to capture a fan space in an extraterrestrial and beat the IRS. Even MORE people likely thought that he would release thirteen more full-length studio efforts. Some people might have pulled Al aside and said you will never top “Eat It” quit while you’re ahead, and those people would have robbed us of at least 30 more years of greatness. That’s AL we have to say about that!