Aiden Sears, Author at HARDTIMES

The Top 10 Cannabis Strains to Give You a Panic Attack While Watching “The Bear”

Posted on June 27, 2024 by Dan Rice

The cannabis industry has seen massive expansion over the last few years, and with recreational use now legal in 24 States (with more expected next election) more people have access to more strains than ever before! Unfortunately, increased variety brings confusion to some users.

Different strains of cannabis can have radically different effects. Most users know that in general, sativas are energizing and uplifting while indicas tend to be more sedative, but what specific strains should you try to treat pain? Which ones have the most anti-inflammatory properties? Perhaps most importantly of all, which ones will give you a full-fledged anxiety meltdown while catching up on FX’s runaway hit series “The Bear?”

After testing dozens of strains, we are now qualified to answer one of those questions. Here are the top 10 varieties of cannabis to give you a panic attack while watching Christopher Storer’s Golden Globes sweeping, highly triggering comedy/drama. Let it rip.

10. MAC V2 (hybrid)

Mac V2 is a cross between Miracle Alien Cookies and another strain of unknown origin. Though fairly potent, it is both uplifting and relaxing and doesn’t inhibit focus as much as most strains in its class, making MAC V2 Ideal for both daytime and nighttime use. Be warned, however—this strain is just too well-balanced and euphoric to truly maximize your anxiety while watching “The Bear.” While Carmy would approve of the strain’s tantalizing citrus and pepper notes, it won’t cause you so much stress that you have to remind yourself to breathe, separating you significantly from the main character and the overall spirit of “The Bear.”

9. White Widow (hybrid)

It’s one of the most well-known strains in the world, so you would think the knowledge that you shouldn’t smoke a joint of this shit to your face before throwing on “The Bear” would have gotten around by now. Well if it did, we missed the memo. Wait, Lionel is still working on the donut? What is he doing?! Dude, they are going to MURDER you, are you serious? Lionel, come on man, snap out of it! No don’t show him now! Not now! Oh fuck. Oh fuck.

8. Runtz (hybrid)

Runtz has skyrocketed in popularity over the last few years, and it’s not hard to see why! With its sugary fruit flavor profile and euphoric, uplifting high you’ll be saying “Yes chef!” to just about everything. While many users claim this strain helps manage their anxiety, the top reported negative effect is anxiety, so it’s a bit of a dice roll. There’s a chance you maintain enough of a good vibe to be entertained by the drama of Berzatto and co, or there’s a chance you wind up starting a kitchen fire in your sleep. Let it rip!

7. Blue Dream (hybrid)

This classic sativa dominant’s balanced high, bringing both cerebral stimulation and deep body relaxation, will trick you into thinking you’re on solid enough ground to handle 30 minutes of Chicago kitchen stress. The sweet berry aroma gives way to a delightful pine after finish and oh fuck Richie is going for his gun what the fuck is going to happen?! When paired with the “Fishes” episode Blue Dream can produce a powerful feedback loop of every trauma you’ve experienced or embarrassing thing you’ve said at a family function from the age of 10 to the present, and you’ll spend hours wondering if it will ever be over. Users may also experience dry mouth.

6. Purple Punch (indica)

This sweet yet tart indica is known for its powerful sedative effects, so why am I letting a 4th episode of “The Bear” play? It’s 2:30 in the morning, and this shit is making me insane. I’m starting to get too anxious about the stress dreams binging this show is going to give me, so I guess I’ll keep watching it to stay awake? This feels like the beginning of a terrible spiral Chef.

5. Jack Herer (Sativa)

One of the most legendary sativa strains of all time, Jack Herer’s earthy pine-scented nugs will energize your synapses and prime you for some extremely triggering kitchen drama. You’ll be hearing those pre-order tickets print long after the credits roll when you watch “The Bear” with ole Jack.

4. Cap Junky

Cousin, this strain is the real deal! Let me tell you, I really really did not need “the real deal” right now! They knocked down all the walls?! They have black mold?! And everyone is just like “Oh well let’s truck along”?! After everything that’s happened, this late in the game, they just throw “Let’s rebuild the building” on top of the heap, how is anyone functioning under these circumstances? They’re all about to pop right? They’re all just going to burst like balloons one by one, any second. Whoops, clenched my fist so hard it drew a little blood.

3. Super Lemon Haze (sativa)

Is this the right move for Sydney? I’ve never really questioned it till now but yeah, this restaurant is a huge risk, and Carmy doesn’t really seem to be holding up his end right now. Like has this show actually been about her trusting the wrong people and burning out this whole time? Is that the kind of track my life is on? God my coworkers steal my energy so much, that’s why I’m so stressed just watching a TV show. What if I’m the one making things suck though? I gotta get my head straight. Start working out. I should write that down in my notes app, right now—”Start working out.” Oh, weird, it looks like I already did that two weeks ago. Jesus. Oh my god, that ravioli looks so fucking good!

2. Gorilla Glue (hybrid)

Don’t let its classification as a hybrid fool you. Gorilla Glue derives its name from the fact that it can induce some of the most intense couch lock you’ve ever felt in your life, and, fuck, you left the remote over on the chair. Oh man, “The Bear” seemed like a good idea 2 bong rips ago but now you’re not so sure. Eh, screw it. You can handle this. It’s a hit TV show for God’s sake. It’s technically a comedy! Oh my god, it’s so stressful. Oh my fucking god I forgot what working in a kitchen is like oh my god it’s so fucking stressful oh my god oh my god oh my god…

1. Gary Payton (hybrid)

Well, this is one of the most aptly named strains we’ve ever tried because our pulse has gone supersonic! Our budtender said this strain was good for anxiety, did they mean causing it? If you want the true feeling of being locked in that walk-in with Carmie, muttering away the only good thing in your life while helplessly listening to everything you’ve built descend into chaos, Gary is here to take you to the paint.

Broke Punk Considers Scrapping Copper IUD

Posted on June 27, 2024 by Matthew Schneeman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local woman Lauren Bangert is considering selling her copper IUD contraceptive for scrap in order to make a few extra dollars to pay off her multiple overdue bills, impressed sources confirm.

“Money is tight ever since I got fired from Cracker Barrel for calling a customer a ‘walking pile of shriveled dog shit’ and I figure I have this bullshit IUD that doesn’t even stop my period and copper prices are pretty good right now,” said Bangert. “I’ve tried other methods for quick cash, I tried selling my blood, but apparently if you bag it yourself nobody wants it. I figure now is the time. My neighbor just tossed out their water heater so, if I load that into my car and go to the scrapyard I can make some money from that metal, and this IUD that I hope hurts less coming out, because when they put it in it felt like Satan himself was headbutting his way through my vagina.”

Some people are concerned about the move, thinking it is unsanitary or are just worried that Bangert is economically vulnerable.

“I mean, it’s not necessarily that it’s gross. I’m a feminist. I don’t think anything involving a woman’s vagina is gross,” one of Lauren’s friends, Max Wilczyk, stated confidently. “I’ll go down on you in a porta potty on a 90-degree day while you’re on your period. I don’t give a fuck. But I was just worried that she was hard up for cash and when I told her this she just yelled ‘My body my choice!’ at me and jumped on one of those double-decker bikes the punk welders make and took off.”

Doctor Susan Wilkerson, Bangert’s gynecologist, skirted HIPAA rules to provide a quote.

“I understand the fascination that if something was in you, you should be able to hold it or see if it has a certain value. However, there are medical waste policies that prohibit doctors from giving things like bone fragments or kidney stones to patients,” said Dr. Wilkerson. “But this is different–never before had we had patients ask for IUDs back after removing them, and now we’ve noticed at our clinic more requests to keep them. A couple people even brought in IUDs they ‘inherited’ from a friend. Kind of like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants but for contraceptives. It’s troubling.”

As of press time, Bangert did, in fact, try to scrap the IUD, but found that selling it to “some weirdo online” was substantially more lucrative.

Muted Mics, No Audience, and the Immediate Execution of Both Men Involved: How CNN Is Revamping the Debate

Posted on June 27, 2024 by Tim Sheard

To quote President Joe Biden, we’re in uncharted territory. The 2024 presidential election is shaping up to be one of the most unorthodox races in U.S. history. CNN hopes that some major rule changes will bring much-needed order to the growing chaos. But will conditions like the absence of a live audience, a ban on pre-written notes, and the immediate termination of both men following the debate be enough to restore civil discourse?

Critics have blasted the debates of the last two election cycles as complete debacles, due in no small part to Trump’s sensationalist flair and lack of respect for the rules. He would frequently rile the crowd and speak over his opponents. To make matters worse, in both debate cycles, one of the two extremely unlikable people arguing went on to become president of the United States. Given these unfortunate circumstances, few would disagree that the debates are broken, which is perhaps why the candidates have agreed to hand control over to the networks directly. Here’s a look at the conditions CNN has installed for Thursday night’s debate:

Muted Mics: To combat candidates speaking over one another, each will have their mic muted while it’s their opponent’s turn to speak.

No Live Studio Audience: CNN hopes that the absence of a crowd reaction will foster a more concise and honest discussion between the two candidates.

Execution of Both Candidates Following Debate: Prior to the debate each candidate will consume a dose of CX147, a chemical compound designed to take effect shortly after the debate’s scheduled runtime. Once it reaches the bloodstream it will cause failure of the heart and lungs, resulting in the cessation of respiration and brain activity in each 2024 hopeful.

No Props or Pre-written Notes: Though each candidate will be provided with a pen and paper as well as a water bottle, no other items will be allowed. That means no pre-written notes, no digital devices, and no antidote to compound CX147.

No Sitting: The candidates will not be provided with chairs as sitting while an opponent speaks can undermine the spirit of debate and slow the absorption of CX147 into the bloodstream.

Commercial Breaks: There are two scheduled commercial breaks during the debate. However, candidates will not be allowed to use this time to consult with their campaign team. CNN wishes to present an honest discussion between the two candidates alone, free of the influence of staffers, analysts, or anyone who may provide candidates with substances known to mitigate the lethality of compound CX147.

So which candidate is more likely to emerge the victor under the new debate terms? Experts remain conflicted but agree that ultimately it won’t matter. Pass or fail, we applaud CNN for attempting to restore some dignity to this storied election tradition, and CX147 for giving us all a much-needed reset.

New MTV ‘Unplugged’ Special to Feature Rob Dyrdek Learning Acoustic Guitar

Posted on June 27, 2024 by William Vaillancourt

LOS ANGELES — MTV announced the latest edition to their famed “Unplugged” series will showcase “Ridiculousness” host Rob Dyrdek learning the acoustic guitar, giddy network executives confirmed.

“It was an easy choice,” programming director Cal Berry said while chomping on an unlit cigar. “There is no better way to rejuvenate this respected platform than to have Rob show off what he’s learned from watching a couple Marty Schwartz tutorials. It technically does check off the boxes for both ‘music’ and ‘television,’ so we’re good. Rob has been super excited because he picked up his guitar at a local Goodwill and saved a bunch of money buying it used. I can tell you this, I’ve watched some of his rehearsals and this might be the greatest entry in the ‘Unplugged’ series yet. Move over Pearl Jam, out of the way Nirvana, it’s time for Rob Dyrdek.”

Audience members, however, weren’t pleased, in part because they arrived expecting to watch a taping of “Ridiculousness” only to have the rug pulled out from under them.

“We watched the guy thumb his way through the same four buzzy, half-muted chords for an hour, and I kept wondering when he was going to play a video of a kid on a hoverboard dropping a full pizza pie into the dirt,” Mike Conner said afterward with a thousand-yard stare. “We kept waiting for the show to start, but whenever he put the guitar down, he would just walk over to his hat rack to put on a new flat brim, and Chanel West Coast would clap and laugh like a seal. Then he’d rub his hands together and sit back down on the stool to continue his C, F, G and A minor routine. At least he mixed up the order. So there’s that. But still, terrible all around.”

Dyrdek admits he is proud of the special and excited to see it air.

“It was tight. Real cool. I was out there doing my thing, a little of this, a little of that. You feel me?” Dyrdek said. “My fingers were cooked after, but I can’t complain. This business is hard work. It’s not all reading a teleprompter and saying ‘Oh, damn’ after watching someone get hit in the nuts with a pickleball paddle. I already feel like learning some new shit in case we run it back. Apparently Slash has some chords named after him? That’s so sick. I’ll hit him up.”

At press time, MTV announced that Dyrdek has been nominated for Best New Artist at the VMAs.

30 Skate Punk Songs From the ‘90s That Aged Way Better Than Most Things From That Decade

Posted on June 26, 2024 by Bobby Korec

Someone has to say it: A lot of things from the ‘90s just don’t hold up by today’s morally complete standards. Except of course for skate punk, which is a tiny little mini-genre that was the bridge between hardcore and pop punk. Somehow, after all these years, skate punk still sounds and looks fresh. That being said, here are the top 30 skate punk songs from the 1990s that aged way better than anything else to come out of that decade. (Listen to the playlist while you set up your new World Industries deck with a Flameboy graphic that’s 7.67″ wide)

30. Good Riddance “Weight of the World” (1996)

A lot of fashion from this decade just doesn’t stand the test of time. There are simply too many trends to name here. However, if you wore Vans, had a Jonathan Taylor Thomas haircut, and listened to Good Riddance: Congratulations, you made it through with limited embarrassing photos.

29. Diesel Boy “Titty Twister” (1996)

“The Net,” “Hackers,” “The Lawnmower Man.” Movies about computers, the internet, and the cyber world in general just look like crap today. It’s like they had no idea that technology would one day evolve into big tech and social media giants controlling and forcing us to look at a six-inch phone screen all day in between looking at our 50-inch TV screens at home and 16-inch laptop screens at work. Luckily, you can play Diesel Boy on all these.

28. Ten Foot Pole “My Wall” (1994)

In 1995, if you wanted to have a full-on discussion with your friend about Ten Foot Pole or bands on Epitaph Records you had to use something called a landline phone. Not only that, you had to remain in your house to use this device that didn’t even have TikTok on it. This is the stuff of nostalgic nightmares.

27. No Use For a Name “Justified Black Eye” (1995)

Not to mention, you actually had to write down your friends’ phone numbers on a piece of paper or, worse yet, memorize them. That is not what your brain is for. It’s for consuming skate punk bands like No Use For a Name and that’s it.

26. Guttermouth “End on 9” (1994)

If you wanted to research anything, you had to physically show up at a location called a library and touch a book. Gross. My iPhone 5 has all the information you need, like that Guttermouth is from California. Do libraries even have a Wikipedia section?

25. Frenzal Rhomb “Punch in the Face” (1996)

In 1999, Budweiser launched a marketing campaign that featured a bunch of dudes saying “whassup?” to each other over the phone. People across the nation started to mimic it instead of listening to Frenzal Rhomb. This trend lasted seemingly years and could still be heard today from the most out-of-touch uncles out there. This is the actual reason conservatives should’ve boycotted Anheuser-Busch products.

24. Satanic Surfers “Worn Out Words” (1999)

In the ‘90s, the internet literally came through your landline phone. You had to manually dial it up and it would make a bunch of weird beeps and boops before finally connecting you to your favorite Satanic Surfers chat room. It was a different time back before the internet was all around us, in our pockets, and slowly rotting us from the inside out.

23. Unwritten Law “Obsession” (1994)

Try making a Spotify playlist with an Unwritten Law song in the ‘90s. Almost impossible. You had to painstakingly tape a cassette from another cassette by pressing physical buttons on a stereo. Dragging and dropping was just not in the cards back then.

22. Hi-Standard “My Sweet Dog” (1997)

But then again, you also had CDs. Oftentimes, you couldn’t test out the compact disc before buying them. As a result, a lot of people had unwanted Spin Doctors CDs because they kind of liked “Two Princes” before listening further and slowly realizing they wasted 25 bucks at Borders Books. Luckily, you were fine if you bought any Hi-Standard or skate punk CD.

21. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes “Country Roads” (1996)

Remember Alanis Morrissette’s “Ironic”? That aged just fine. But the people that were like, “Well, actually, that’s not what irony means” aged like shit. Thankfully they’re all dead today. I don’t think these kinds of people could’ve handled Me First and the Gimme Gimmes covering this track.

20. Tilt “Old Skool Pig” (1998)

At some point, a bunch of financial nerds wanted to invest in a small stuffed toy known as Beanie Babies. They thought for sure it would make them millionaires. Clearly they were wrong. Instead, they should’ve invested their time listening to Tilt and other Fat Wreck Chords bands. You would’ve come out just as broke in the end.

19. Gob “Soda” (1995)

Let’s face it, the pinnacle of CGI entertainment back then was something known as “Dancing Baby,” which was a 3D-rendered, diaper-wearing infant cha-chaing to the beat of “Hooked on a Feeling.” Sure, the digital effects in “Jurassic Park” still look sick, but we cannot ignore the damage this baby did to computer-generated graphics for years to come. Gob still rules though.

18. The Offspring “All I Want” (1997)

The Offspring’s “All I Want” had an accompanying music video that they occasionally played on MTV. As we all know, MTV no longer plays music videos because they wanted to give Rob Dyrdek a 24-hour, seven-day-a-week time slot. Clearly, MTV didn’t age well because there is simply no way to watch this music video or Pauly Shore nowadays.

17. Screeching Weasel “Slogans” (1991)

Anyone remember baseball? In the ‘90s major league players used steroids to hit balls really far. People lost their shit every time a dude with veiny forearms cranked a homer. As a result, the MLB commissioner said none of these players are allowed in the hall of fame. I guess homeruns did not age well. Screeching Weasel isn’t in any hall of fame either. Crock of shit.

16. Propaghandi “…And We Thought That Nation-States Were a Bad Idea” (1996)

The political skate punk band Propaghandi takes a lot of stands for worthy causes. Back in the ’90s the he Vice President was Al Gore and his wife Tipper took a stand against “offensive” music and formed the PMRC, who tried to ban a bunch of songs, like a Mötley Crüe one. Banning hair metal isn’t the worst idea, but not because your wiener kid can’t handle it.

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Every Misery Signals Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on June 26, 2024 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Pro tip: Mentioning Misery Signals in any metalcore convo is sure to win you some serious points. They’re your favorite metalcore band’s favorite metalcore band. Sorry, “favourite” for the Canadian members. U in or U out, nobody does melodic metalcore like Mis Sigs. Ah, melodic metalcore… A label given to metalcore bands who can actually play guitar and aim to elicit more emotions than “come at me, bro” alone. The technical and emotional riffs in their otherworldly compositions helped elevate the genre, but the songs are accessible enough to keep us way less annoying than, say, a Between The Buried and Me fan. Mostly, we just think it’s cool that these unassuming, clean-cut gentlemen make such punishingly hard, scare your momma, fuck-shit-up-in-the-pit type bangers. And yes, they’ve had some drama along the way, but that happens when hyper-creative artists care a lot. What matters now is that they’ve buried the hatchets like grown ass men, and have both Jesse and Karl on the farewell tour this Summer and Fall. Our hearts are full and broken at the same time. So here’s a ranking that is sure to cause some pissy little stirrings. You can have your “Karl or Jesse” debates if you want, but it was a sonic treat to give every single one of these albums another once over.

Honorable Mention: Self-Titled EP (2003)

It’s mainly on this list as cocky fanboy proof that we’re aware of their pre-”Malice” music. In the Napster/Limewire days, leaked tracks like “Lie Captive” and an early version of “The Year Summer Ended in June” were our introduction to the band (and we were hooked.) Adding the name “Jordo” on the “Malice” version made it more personal and all the more real that Jesse had just been through some serious shit. In those early metalcore days, it was such a relief to see that normal dudes in black T’s didn’t need masks or rap infusions to make wildly hard tunes. It’s honestly better than many metalcore bands’ full length albums, and possibly the coolest thing about it is that, in the name of progress, a bunch of great music was left behind and not just recorded for “Malice.” This EP had talent way beyond their years, and passion and hunger that was like, “Yo, Ferret, sign us right now!” And Ferret was all like, “Oh fuck yeah, you metalcore savants.”

Play It Again: “Lie Captive”
Skip It: “Like Yesterday”

5. Absent Light (2013)

On the surface, it’s classic Karl-era Misery Signals. We were thrilled to get a new album that sounded a lot like “Controller.” All the things they’re known for are showcased so well, but those pesky behind-the-scenes rifts seeped in a little. Damn that human element! Some lyrics even kind of sound like, “We might be done here, right fellas?” There really are some fucking great tunes though. The soulful guitars are basically solos as riffs, and while other bands shoehorn in a violin or cello just to say “We’re growing as artists,” Mis Sigs does it right. You can tell a ton of time and effort went into it. It’s crisp as hell. Closing it out with the goosebump-enducing vocals of Fredua Boakye was a stroke of genius. “Everything Will Rust” sends chills every single time. Overall, it’s a solid album start to finish, but the fact that they barely toured it (and broke up after it) makes us think that they’d have it at this spot too.

Play It Again: “Reborn (An Execution)”
Skip It: “Departure”

4. Ultraviolet (2020)

Jesse’s back! And news of a new Misery Signals album gave us something to look forward to during that whole pandemic hoopla. When we finally got to hear it, we were treated to banger after banger off the top. Those first 3 tracks are as good an “opening 3 tracks” as you can get. Just hard and intense and everything we love about them. The instrumentals were tough-as-nails hardcore and we instantly remembered what a profound lyricist Jesse is. Every song has these, “Damn, I know exactly what you mean, dude” moments. We then get a few “middle of the album” tracks (if you know what we mean), but they bookend it with a few absolute killers to leave us wanting more. Hear that, fellas?! We want more! This O.G lineup does follow up “Malice” nicely. It has some really heartfelt, personal themes that really hit home. Sadly, it’s 16 years later and we’re 16 years older. If this exact album dropped when we were impressionable teens, it might’ve very well been our “Malice.” As we’ve seen on Reddit, this was some youngins’ first taste of the band, and they’re now going back over the discography. Lucky little bastards.

Play It Again: “The Tempest”
Skip It: “The Fall”

3. Mirrors (2006)

A few dummies have labeled it a “sophomore slump,” but really it’s the best possible album that could’ve been made after they had to swap one Canadian vocalist for another. What’s in the metalcore frontman waters in Canada? Maybe behind all that politeness is repressed rage to unleash on the ‘Mericans. It’s no sophomore slump. It’s a new frontman plus the band’s want to experiment a bit more than dummies may have wanted. Sit your middle-aged ass in a La-Z-boy with a neat glass of bourbon and appreciate the start-to-finish experience they want you to have! Yes, Karl had quite the task of connecting with existing fans who loved Jesse. But he brought more of a tough-guy bellow for that “hell yeah” stank face, and a whole different set of personal themes that we got behind for sure. Kicking off the album with “Face Yourself” and “The Failsafe” could send you into fucking battle. As devil’s advocate for the dummies, the very experimental midsection did lack crowd-pleasing breakdowns and anthems we were dying for at the live show. “Anchor” is a straight up banger that is honestly one of our all time favorite tracks. And the clean singing on “One Day I’ll Stay Home” is fucking sick, so back off, dummies!

Play It Again: “Anchor”
Skip It: “Post Collapse”

2. Of Malice and the Magnum Heart (2004)

Sorry. We also hate ourselves for putting the number 2 beside this album, so we’ll just nod along to the hateful comments, thinking, “Yep, you all make great hateful points, and you’re right we should jump off a bridge.” It’s a bonafide #1 on many “Best Metalcore Albums” lists, and was possibly even your gateway into metalcore. It was a perfect storm of the band’s hunger, youthful energy, love of brutally heavy music, and solidarity after a tragic event. We all marvel at the singular piece of art that is “The Year Summer Ended in June,” even though “Five Years” is our favorite Mis Sigs track. It might possibly be the best song of all time. When we heard the soft instrumental bliss of “Worlds and Dreams” smack dab in the middle of the brutality, we (and every band that followed) knew that this genre had so much more to offer. Going directly into a track called “Murder” is the perfect example that metalcore was somehow too soft and too hard for your average metalhead at the time. And these guys were only in their early 20s! Guitar virtuoso and creative force Ryan Morgan composed songs that seasoned vets can only dream of! And his younger brother Branden just happened to be a world class drummer?! An embarrassment of riches in the Morgan household. While we’re at it, Stu and Kyle are never just strumming along. Their technicality and noodlings in and around Ryan’s lead is what fills the space and sets the band apart. Jesse’s emotional maturity was second to none. He openly discusses what the rest of us would finally spew in one big trauma-dump of a therapy session in our 40s. It’s commendable.

Play It Again: “Five Years”
Skip It: The 5 seconds of complete silence at the end of “Difference of Vengeance and Wrongs,” so you can get back to the beginning of the album faster.

1. Controller (2008)

If you think this is simply a choice of Karl over Jesse, you’re not taking the growth of four other members into consideration. What, are you all frontmen or something? There are few albums in existence where you think “well, that was clearly the single” after every fucking song. It’s anthem after anthem of heartfelt classics that you can go to war to or hug it out with a good pal to. We have a theory as to why this album is Misery Signals and the metalcore genre as a whole at its very best. Maybe they thought, “Hey gang, we can still be our progressive “Mirrors” selves on complete crowd-pleasing “Malice” type bangers!” It’s almost as if “Malice” plus “Mirrors” equals “Controller,” if that makes any sense. “A Certain Death” is a masterpiece and one of (if not the) biggest Misery Signals hits for good reason. And Karl’s singing is shockingly great. Every song has epic lyrics we all want to scream along to, crunchy time-altering riffs that keep our head-bangs guessing, and soulful “Worlds and Dreams” type noodlings that would give B.B King that guitar solo stank face. Karl’s cavernous diaphragm on top of those full-bodied instrumentals just permeates through our entire bodies. Crank it in the car… Jesus Christ. It’s such a thick, hearty, and satiating album that we feel a few pounds heavier after a full once-over. We could go on and on, but we gotta go crank it in our car on our way to finally tell off our dad.

Play it Again: “Ebb and Flow”
Skip it: The thought that you should skip any moment of it.

Boomer Stands at Pickup Counter and Watches Fast Food Employees Prepare His Meal With the Focus of a Stalking Leopard

Posted on June 26, 2024 by Alex Vlahov

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Local retiree Mitch Danfork was seen standing directly in front of a pickup counter and observing his meal’s preparation with the focus of a hungry panther, confirmed intimidated sources.

“I’m here for quality control. I don’t want my burger thrown around carelessly. Damn ready to jump over this counter and suggest some pointers to this lazy generation. I’ve gotten in trouble for walking back there in the kitchen so nowadays I just stand planted here watching as close as I can, leaning over when I need to,” admitted Danfork at a local In-N-Out, belt buckle pressed against the metal counter as his pupils targeted his meal with precision. “Sometimes I point at my watch and gently tap, which I’m sure the staff finds helpful. Standing so close allows me to dial in on my food being prepared. I’m like ‘The Terminator’ with that visual scanner. Looking for quality, speed, a damn smile from these kids once and while. The customer is always right! At least they were in my day.”

Longtime In-N-Out employee Randall Teakwood doesn’t share the appreciation.

“He gives us so much anxiety. I feel like walking meat, like a fucking zebra or something, ready to be pounced on. Those weird sad eyes follow me around like the Mona Lisa,” complained Teakwood from the parking lot on break. “I can feel his hot breath, it feels like I’m dealing with some downtrodden apex predator in L.L. Bean with his arms crossed, gut flopped out in an American flag tee, giving me a stern squint behind wraparound sunglasses. Plus he touches other people’s food preemptively thinking it’s his, which of course only adds more work for us. You learn tactics, though. For instance, I try to make myself look larger than I am and never turn my back toward him. I’m even considering playing dead to see if he just goes away.”

Seaside Taco franchise owner Cindy Liebson, familiar with Danfork, is taking action.

“We’re introducing a slight buffer zone around the pickup counter that makes lingering less appealing,” shared Liebson in her ocean-themed office. “We’ve tried benches, but that does nothing. Sometimes boomers even stand on the benches to get a better view of the kitchen. These boomers don’t have to stay so focused, as if their food were jittering rodent prey in a wheatfield. Of course such suggestions always seem to make things worse, we’ve known this generation to be real ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ types. I blame the years of drinking water from lead pipes and growing up in houses lined with asbestos.”

At press time, Danfork roared back into a local In-N-Out due to the lack of onions in his burger, demanding a fresh order while suggesting an entirely new re-organized layout for the drive-thru line.

4 Aerosmith Songs Guaranteed To Make You Uncomfortable With the Way Steven Tyler Looks at His Daughter

Posted on June 26, 2024 by Ian Steffé

Steven Tyler, famously known as the frontman of Aerosmith, is also the father of actress Liv Tyler. Knowing this and then reflecting on the visual and lyrical elements of certain Aerosmith songs could cast Steven Tyler in a pretty creepy light. Creepier than usual, even. Here are four examples of songs and videos by Aerosmith that will make you cringe harder than the first time you saw the ending of “Oldboy.”

Walk this Way
Backstroke lover
Always hidin’ ‘neath the covers
‘Til I talked to your daddy, he say
He said, “You ain’t seen nothin’
‘Til you’re down on a muffin
Then you’re sure to be a-changin’ your ways”

Okay cool so before America’s top incest fixation of stepdaughters being stuck in dryers, you get this fun “freestyle skat” from rubber Carol Burnett puppet Steven Tyler getting oral sex advice from a dad towards the presumptive partner in the song. You remember how fun and comfortable it was when you met your girlfriend’s sex-positive parents. Yay!

Crazy
A Thelma and Louis-inspired video of a then 17-year-old Alicia Silverstone and 16-year-old Liv Tyler.

It’s Liv Tyler pole dancing in front of older dudes with panning close-ups of her ass in such a way that would only be accepted in French movies Louis CK bought from the Criterion Collection. The message seems to be “Hey do you mind if me and the guys sing to you while you want to bone my daughter?” There are just so many cringey moments in this video from the strip club to skinny dipping with a chiseled Supercuts model and it’s especially focused on Liv. If you make it to the end you’ll be wishing a firefighter would show up with one of those weighted blankets and start doing the “It’s not your fault” speech from Good Will Hunting.

Cheesecake
looser than her sister
(Cheesecake), her sugar gets me high
She knows I can’t resist her (Cheese cake)
Got my fingers in her pie (Cheese cake)
(Cheese cake), sneakin’ out the back door
(Cheese cake), rollin’ down the lawn
Everybody kissed her (Cheese cake)
At the crack of dawn (Cheese cake)

Let’s set aside the repeated use of the word “daddy” in this song and focus on the cheesecake metaphor. There were a lot of comparisons to desserts and sex in ‘70s music, but cheesecake did not come up a lot. It’s thick and dairy-forward which calls to mind a discharge that probably needs medical attention. The combined imagery of vague incest and cheese is… something. It’s as if Chuck Tingle and Ben Shapiro went into the Brundlefly machine and emerged a singular, way worse writer because of it.

Don’t Want to Miss a Thing
”Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from the blockbuster film “Armagedon” was apparently the only music video on VH1 in 1998. It features Steven Tyler and the band covered in feathers and singing on the moon looking like something that smart crows would build to scare humans away. All the while Ben Affleck is pawing Liv Tyler in montage scenes as if he’s rummaging through a box of Dunkin Donuts munchkins. This is the second time Steven Tyler did a video where he gets incest cuckolded by a dude that somehow looks like a Nissan Altima while he and the rest of his band mill around a stage like the vulture people in Dark Crystal. Pretty weird well to go back to. At least the song wasn’t written by Steven Tyler because he would have done something like “There’s Candy In My Front Pockets (There’s no Police On the Moon)”

One Square Mile Releasing Latest EP ‘Source Of Suffering’ on Vinyl For The First Time Ever

Posted on June 26, 2024 by Jake Skudder

Hermosa Beach band One Square Mile are releasing latest EP ‘Source Of Suffering’ on Vinyl for the first time ever, this Friday, June 28 via Sound Speed Records.

The EP was produced by Cameron Webb (also worked with Pennywise, Alkaline Trio, Motörhead) at Maple Sound Studios, and the band has upcoming Shows with Punk Rock Karaoke, Stalag 13, Spider, Diesel Boy, Chaser and more.

One Square Mile releasing latest EP on Vinyl

You can order the vinyl (which is available on three different variants, including a charity edition with proceeds going to the Surfrider Foundation) at www.soundspeedrecords.com.

Upcoming Shows:

Jul 5 Venice, CA @ Venice West (w/ Punk Rock Karaoke, Doyle Rules, One Square Mile)

Jul 6 Oceanside, CA @ The Sound Lot (w/ Grahzy, Strychnine Ninety nine, Gentroside, Last 2 Know & Horny Toads)

Jul 11 Hermosa Beach @ Saint Rocke (w/ Stalag 13, One Square Mile, Spider, & Hamapple)

Jul 13 San Diego @ Casbah

Jul 14th Long Beach, CA @ Alex’s Bar (w/ Dissention, Stalag 13, Final Conflict)

Jul 20 OC Fair

Jul 20 Riverside, CA @ \ American Legion 4151 (w/ Narcoleptic Youth, VFMS, Slimpt, Grave Misfortune)

Jul 21 Wilmington, CA @ LA Waterfront Pizza

Jul 21 Downey, CA @ The Stardust (w/ Stalag 13, Neighborhood Watch, IDecline, Dimebag)

Aug 2 Denver, CO @ East Fax Tap

Aug 3 Pueblo, CO @ Bloback Gallery

Aug 4 Loveland, CO @ Anarchy Fest Camp

Aug 14 San Pedro, CA @ Harolds Place,

Aug 21 Hermosa Beach, CA @ Tower 12 (w/ Non-Nural (Costa Rica) Right-Hand Men)

Aug 22 Hermosa Beach, CA @ Saint Rocke (with Diesel Boy, Chaser)

Sep 8th Universal Bar & Grill

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out because we aren’t changing any of the ‘normal’ satire content. We’re just adding an extra element to the site’s content, which you can check out if you want to.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans!

Five Questions – Nick from Bloodstrings

Posted on June 26, 2024 by Jake Skudder

Five Questions is a new series here on The Hard Times because I am lazy and will just ask the same 5 questions to people.

This time it is Nick from Bloodstrings, and they decided to answer my questions even though the questions themselves are largely stupid.

Five Questions to Nick from Bloodstrings

Who the hell are you and what the hell do you do? I am Nick, I play upright bass. We are BLOODSTRINGS from Germany and we fuck shit up for like 10 years now! We are a Punk-A-Billy band which means we combine punk rock with rockabilly elements, kind of like if Distillers had an upright bass!
What the hell is your favourite record and why the hell should we fucking care? There are too many records out there but to understand where we come from as a band it’s probably notable that we loved “And Out Come The Wolves” by Rancid and “Jade” by Pascow, equally.
You get to make a band including you playing your usual instrument, who the hell are you picking? I’d pick us, we make a great team.
What the hell is your favourite Hard Times article? Basically every article about aging punk rocks is pure gold! (We have a whole Aging Punks section sadly).
Where the hell can we find you online? Preferably on Instagram and YouTube!

You can check “Ich Hab’s Schonmal Gesagt” from the band below:

The Hard Times Real News

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans!