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Boomer Stands at Pickup Counter and Watches Fast Food Employees Prepare His Meal With the Focus of a Stalking Leopard

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Local retiree Mitch Danfork was seen standing directly in front of a pickup counter and observing his meal’s preparation with the focus of a hungry panther, confirmed intimidated sources.

“I’m here for quality control. I don’t want my burger thrown around carelessly. Damn ready to jump over this counter and suggest some pointers to this lazy generation. I’ve gotten in trouble for walking back there in the kitchen so nowadays I just stand planted here watching as close as I can, leaning over when I need to,” admitted Danfork at a local In-N-Out, belt buckle pressed against the metal counter as his pupils targeted his meal with precision. “Sometimes I point at my watch and gently tap, which I’m sure the staff finds helpful. Standing so close allows me to dial in on my food being prepared. I’m like ‘The Terminator’ with that visual scanner. Looking for quality, speed, a damn smile from these kids once and while. The customer is always right! At least they were in my day.”

Longtime In-N-Out employee Randall Teakwood doesn’t share the appreciation.

“He gives us so much anxiety. I feel like walking meat, like a fucking zebra or something, ready to be pounced on. Those weird sad eyes follow me around like the Mona Lisa,” complained Teakwood from the parking lot on break. “I can feel his hot breath, it feels like I’m dealing with some downtrodden apex predator in L.L. Bean with his arms crossed, gut flopped out in an American flag tee, giving me a stern squint behind wraparound sunglasses. Plus he touches other people’s food preemptively thinking it’s his, which of course only adds more work for us. You learn tactics, though. For instance, I try to make myself look larger than I am and never turn my back toward him. I’m even considering playing dead to see if he just goes away.”

Seaside Taco franchise owner Cindy Liebson, familiar with Danfork, is taking action.

“We’re introducing a slight buffer zone around the pickup counter that makes lingering less appealing,” shared Liebson in her ocean-themed office. “We’ve tried benches, but that does nothing. Sometimes boomers even stand on the benches to get a better view of the kitchen. These boomers don’t have to stay so focused, as if their food were jittering rodent prey in a wheatfield. Of course such suggestions always seem to make things worse, we’ve known this generation to be real ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ types. I blame the years of drinking water from lead pipes and growing up in houses lined with asbestos.”

At press time, Danfork roared back into a local In-N-Out due to the lack of onions in his burger, demanding a fresh order while suggesting an entirely new re-organized layout for the drive-thru line.