The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Lockdown Really Fucking up Dad’s Plan to Abandon Family

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Sari Beliak

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local dad Craig Harper admitted today that the lockdown set in place to stop the spread of COVID-19 was really fucking up his plans to walk out on his wife and kids and never look back.

“My wife is on my case about every little thing… like how I sleep all day, don’t help the kids with their schoolwork, and how I’m ‘dependent’ on alcohol. Whatever the fuck that means,” said Harper. “I know this pandemic is hard on everyone, but it’s particularly hard on men like me who wish they could build a time machine, go back to when they were 24 and tell their younger selves to keep pursuing a jet ski career. I can’t wait for things to get back to normal so I can just get in my truck and drive away from all this.”

The temporary shelter-in-place lockdown has left some 40 million Californians under strict orders to practice social distancing and quarantine themselves at home, making it increasingly difficult for Harper to pack up a few things and never come back.

“I had it all planned out: I’d been selling some things and was gonna throw some stuff in a bag and just split. Maybe give ‘em one of those ‘heading to the store’ lines and hit the road, like my old man did,” said the father of three and husband of 17 years. “Shit, I can’t even lie and say I got called into cover for someone at the warehouse anymore because we’re closed down. I wish I’d left when I had the chance.”

Experts indicate the quarantine is expected to last for several more months, forcing negligent fathers to become more creative in their attempts to start over.

“Just ‘stepping out for a pack of smokes’ won’t cut it anymore. At the very minimum, these men will have to pretend to show symptoms of the virus, drive to the hospital, and fake their own death,” said Family and Behavioral Health counselor Katie Willis. “And we’re seeing this phenomenon across the board — everything from your run-of-the-mill deadbeat dads and absent fathers, to loving fathers who just want some peace and quiet for a little bit until this whole thing blows over. At this point, the way things are looking now, you may be lucky to leave your wife and kids in time to ruin Christmas.”

At press time, Harper’s wife admitted the quarantine has already delayed her plans to file for divorce, while their teenage son reports he has to postpone running away because of the lockdown.

Dude Down to Protest Anything as Long as He Can Wear Cool Guy Fawkes Mask

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LANSING, Mich. — A protester at a recent demonstration against the state’s pandemic response has revealed that he’ll show up at more or less any public protest so long as his Guy Fawkes mask and costume, made contemporarily famous by the graphic novel and film V For Vendetta, is acceptable attire.

“It’s 2020 and the world needs to know how fucking cool I think this mask looks,” said Brendan Milchun, a self described “fiscal anarchist and social libarxist.” “It’s really important that we remember, uh, you know, everything that he stood for and November and all of that, too. If the government thinks that they can just do whatever they want without me larping as an activist, then they sure got a surprise coming. I look at things a little bit differently than everyone else, just so you know.”

This was just the latest in a series of public appearances for Milchun, who has donned the Fawkes garb at such recent events as a Bernie Sanders rally, a Pro Life protest held outside of Planned Parenthood, and a recent parade that he mistook for a mass protest of some kind.

“Yeah, that was weird,” said Glenn Flowerton, Grand Marshall of last year’s Blueberry Parade, the cornerstone of Montrose, Michigan’s annual Blueberry Festival. “I saw the guy dressed up in that opera suit, and I just figured it was one of those weirdos from M-57 Towing, ya know? But no, turns out he’s some kind of activist or something. No place for that in the Blueberry Festival, if you ask me.”

Despite a few inadvertent appearances at gatherings without political motivations, Milchun maintained that his continued mission had been successful thus far.

“When you look at things a little bit differently, like I do, it all makes sense,” he said. “It’s more important that I raise general awareness of, you know, looking like a badass, than it is to actually hope to enact any structural changes to a corrupt and rotten system. America is finished, but that’s no reason not to spend my stimulus check on trench coats and stupid little hats.”

As of press time, Milchun was seen sprinting around the capitol lawn trying to appear in the background of as many news crews’ footage as possible.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Cha-Ching! Now If I Can Only Find a Way to Get a Stimulus Check Every Two Weeks

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Eric Navarro

It’s nearly impossible to describe the feeling I got from depositing my long-awaited stimulus check. Not sure what word to call it but it definitely ends in “gasm.” I feel relieved most of all. For the first time in weeks I feel financially secure. I wish I could feel like this all the time. I know what I need to do. I must devise a plan to acquire a stimulus check every two weeks until I’ve saved enough money to go into what used to be called “retirement.” The word was recently changed to, “quarantine.”

Usually I’m full of get-rich-quick schemes but this is way more complicated than your typical scam. This will require constant time and effort. Almost daily. Maybe I’ll take two days off a week to keep myself refreshed. But during the days I’m avoiding work, let’s call them “shirk days,” it’s all business all the time.

The first step is finding hundreds of people who have yet to receive their stimulus checks. Fortunately, that won’t be hard since I’m currently doing my part to gentrify a rent-controlled building. Most people here live with extended family like grandparents, so they’re less likely to pick up their mail. Hello, personal information! Now we’re cooking.

All that’s left is the simple matter of reaching someone in the government right now to direct these stimulus checks my way. Based on conservative estimates, this process takes about two weeks, assuming you attempt to make contact approximately forty hours per week. I know that sounds like an absurd amount of time for anyone to do anything just to make some money. Sure, it’s an unprecedented notion, but these are unprecedented times and we all have to do what we need to do to get by.

It’s sad that it’s come to scamming vulnerable people but what else do you want me to do? Turns out my interpretive basket weaving degree didn’t make me as employable as my interpretive basket weaving professors made it seem. Oh and hey, did you get your stimulus check yet?

WHO Releases New Guidelines to Avoid Being Nominated for Viral Challenges

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Kyle Vorbach

GENEVA, Switzerland — The World Health Organization released strict new guidelines today to help millions of people quarantined around the world avoid nomination for viral social media challenges during the pandemic.

“We need to act quickly to contain the spread of nominations before our social media platforms become overwhelmed with annoying posts,” said Paula Stocker, a spokesperson for the WHO. “It’s important to practice social media distancing — that means avoiding engaging with people who you see, for example, naming their favorite movies of all time. Even if they might not be showing signs of posting their old high school photo in honor of this year’s graduating class, they could still accept that challenge within the next two weeks.”

Many see these changes as necessary, especially in hard-hit states like New York and California, where governors declared they will be posting seven albums in seven days.

“As a white guy in my early 20s, I’m at risk of filming myself doing 10 pushups multiple times a day,” said local man Colin Robertson, who has followed the recent recommendations by temporarily shutting down his meme page. “I still see people going around attempting trick shots with ping pong balls. It’s selfish and irresponsible, and it’s super lame, too. When this is all over, I’d like to still have just a tiny bit of dignity.”

Some are saying that the new guidelines, such as limiting the amount of friends you can tag in your Instagram stories, may go too far.

“We can’t let the cure be worse than the disease,” says Facebook user Gary Winslow in a video where he tries to do a handstand against a wall while putting on a T-shirt. “People are getting annoyed for no reason. These viral challenges are no worse than viral challenges from past years, like the Harlem Shake — which, I’ll remind you, occurred under the Obama administration. Millions of Americans tragically planked during his presidency.”

When asked for comment at today’s coronavirus press briefing, President Trump suggested that a challenge where the user exposes their internal organs to sunlight might cure coronavirus.

Wizards of the Coast Change ‘Magic: The Gathering’ to Just ‘Magic’ to Encourage Social Distancing

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Joe Klein

RENTON, Wash. — As the COVID-19 pandemic sweeps the nation, a spokesman for Wizards of the Coast announced today that the popular trading card game Magic: The Gathering will be removing “The Gathering” from its title in an effort to encourage social distancing.

“The threat of this virus grows with each turn, much like a Rushwood Elemental,” said company community manager David Cazier, who explained that the decision was made after someone noticed that the back of each card said the words “The Gathering” and realized that people weren’t supposed to do that anymore. “It’s going to take a lot more than a simple counterspell to beat this enemy, which is why we made the difficult, and some might say heroic, decision to rebrand.”

Despite the company’s good intentions, fans of the game are unhappy with the move, even though most of them have always just called it “Magic” anyway.

“As a gamer and an American, I hate any change, no matter how insignificant,” fumed longtime player Doug Koller. “Why do you think I’ve been playing the same fucking collectible card game for 15 years?”

At press time, executives from Wizards of the Coast were discussing more ideas to fight the virus, including “card sleeves but for hands” and self-isolated booster packs that only contain one card.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Here Are All the Movies Leaving Netflix Next Month Unless It Stops Drinking

Posted on May 4, 2020 by Dillon Magrann-Wells

LOS GATOS, Calif. — A selection of various movie and television titles gave an ultimatum to the streaming service Netflix last week that if it didn’t seek professional help for its alcoholism, they will leave the platform next month.

“Netflix claimed they had gotten better since the last stint in rehab,” said the 2003 action comedy “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.” “But then I talked to ‘Donnie Brasco’ and found out they fell off the wagon again after Disney+ launched. With Quibi and Peacock on the way, I’m worried that if Netflix doesn’t sober up now, they’ll never recover.”

Movies and shows took turns airing their grievances to the Silicon Valley streaming company as it sat uncomfortably and avoided eye contact for the majority of the intervention.

“When I first agreed to appear on your service, I was so excited,” read Season 1 of “American Odyssey” from a prewritten letter. “But I was lied to time and time again — you had no intention of putting me in the new releases category, just like you had no intention of getting sober. I’m sorry if this hurts you, but I need to say it: I will be leaving for Hulu next month. Hulu treats me with the respect I deserve, and I’m far too old and far too niche to waste more of my life on you.”

After a heartfelt plea from all seven “Police Academy” films, the streaming juggernaut asked the addiction counselor if it could tell its side of the story.

“I can’t believe you assholes are doing this to me. I like to have a drink or two after work, so what?” said Netflix as it glanced around the living room. “But you won’t even talk to me like the friends you claim you are. Instead, you come to me with this bullshit, and make the melodramatic move of leaving. Where are you going to go? Crackle? You’re all full of shit! You’ll leave for a few months and then come crawling back. Isn’t that right, ‘Goodfellas?’”

As of press time, Netflix had not sought out any rehabilitation services, but did acquire the streaming rights to the 2012 coming-of-age comedy “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” as well as a handle of Jose Cuervo.

Southern States Construct Statues of Coronavirus to Preserve History of Pandemic

Posted on May 4, 2020 by Dicky Stock

ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp commissioned today the construction of a series of statues commemorating the COVID-19 virus as a way to “preserve its history in the best way possible.”

“This big ol’ bronze likeness of the microbe isn’t about a bunch of sick folks, or even the virus itself — it’s about our history and heritage as a people. If we don’t produce a bust of the virus, we will forget our roots,” said Kemp, trying to hold back tears. “To be honest, it’s mostly about pride. We are very proud of where we come from, and the virus also exists here, and so that makes us also proud of the virus. It also lives here, and we live here, too.”

Spokesperson for the Georgia Parks and Recreations Department Dave Jarvis is delighted to protect the historical record of this momentous time in his state’s history.

“Statues is [sic] history,” said Jarvis while attaching a fifth pair of truck nuts to his Chevy. “History is pride, and without statues, our historical record of the event is lost in time. So without a big, fat statue, I don’t know how we expect to mummify our heritage. That is, in relation to the pandemic from a viewpoint of pride for our legacy as Georgians.”

“I’m sorry to get emotional here,” he added. “I just really love this state and all the great folk who founded it.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves announced similar plans this week to build effigies to the pesky microorganism, though not without backlash.

“Read a fucking book. Statues don’t educate anyone, you goddamn morons,” replied Harvard history professor Richard Remy. “What are you seriously going to learn from a statue? They’ll just see some fucking asshole on a horse or spikey microbe thing, and think, ‘Oh, look at all the bird shirt on this hunk of metal.’ I’d hope they’d replace the tributes to American traitors like Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson, but they won’t — everyone is too busy jerking off to those things to realize how shitty those men were.”

Gov. Kemp hopes to have the first sculpture up soon, so those afflicted with the coronavirus can appreciate the historical significance of the illness before succumbing to it.

Opinion: All Nurses Deserve Six Figures and Sexy Uniforms Again

Posted on May 4, 2020 by Freelancer

Sometimes it takes an extraordinary event to make you see what you’ve been taking for granted. I think we can all agree that the COVID-19 pandemic made us all realize that healthcare workers have been severely undervalued in society. They sacrifice their own well-being with every work shift to keep everyone else safe, healthy, and alive.

They truly deserve many times more than what they get paid. And they deserve sexy, eye-catching uniforms like back in the good ole’ days.

Your average registered nurse makes around $80k per year while some Silicon Valley tech douche coder easily makes $120k to whip up ways to shove ads in front of your face. I’m frankly sick of it. And that’s not even to mention the frumpy, hideously-patterned smocks they’re expected to wear.

Watch any old movie. Female nurses wore all white, probably see-through dresses with cute little paper hats that belied a sense of innocence. But, their nylon stockings and high heels told wounded warriors what was really up.

Don’t they deserve to feel comfortable in their uncontrollable, lip-biting sexuality?

And that’s to say nothing of the men. Sure, in some circles, your standard green or blue scrubs are mildly erotic. But can we get a decent fit going on here? Why is everything so loose? I can’t get a sense of a buff nurse’s bicep girth or abs-hardness if his clothing fits like a goddamned poncho. I’m sick, not blind.

They say that porn is always on the cutting-edge of culture. Well, based on my extensive studies, they’ve predicted a beautiful future of adequately-paid, horny hospital workers. The anus is now on us to make it a reality. Onus? No, I’m more of a taint guy.

I think all hospitals should pay their employees at least 50% more. They should offer better retirement benefits. They should include a weekly stipend for sex toys, contraception, video recording equipment, and Pornhub Premium subscriptions. They should offer a minimum of 4 months paid maternity leave.

Did I mention the sex toys?

Punk House With No Puzzles Just Going to Use Smashed Window

Posted on May 4, 2020 by Anna Walsh

CARSON CITY, Nev. — Local quarantined woman Laura Lamont found a creative way to stay busy indoors yesterday by repurposing a bunch of broken glass from a broken window into a jigsaw puzzle, according to frustrated sources.

“Yeah… we don’t have the internet here, so I couldn’t just order one like a celebrity or something. Then I noticed a bunch of glass on the floor by the window. It’s crazy that someone is smashing windows at a time like this,” Lamont said, while wiping off her bloody hands with a T-shirt picked up off the floor. “I’ve been trying to look out the hole where the window was to see how it fits together, but boy, are puzzles hard without a picture on the box. And it’s way harder when you don’t know how many pieces it has. How many does a standard puzzle have? Like, 20?”

Fellow housemate Danny Bello disagreed about the smashed glass.

“That window got knocked out like, four months ago. The only reason Laura even noticed is because we’ve been stuck in here and she finally got so bored she was forced to look out the window,” Bello stated. “Honestly, if it keeps her from ‘writing melodies’ on her drum kit then I’m all for ‘puzzles.’ Joke’s on her, though: I already swept up like, half the broken glass. I mean, I’m bored too, so watching her go crazy over this should be fun… and I’ve already spent hours looking for a new place to live.”

Neighbors on the block hope this is a turning point for the house’s residents, who have been driving down property values for years.

“They’re always having wild parties over there. I remember that window broke a few months back because some bald vagrant stuck his boot through it while he was singing. Of course, I don’t consider it singing,” neighbor Norma Porticcini explained. “I will say, though, as a fellow puzzler, it’s nice to hear she has found a wholesome hobby. Perhaps when I’m allowed outside again, I can teach her knitting.”

Lamont was later seen turning old beer cans and pizza boxes into a face shield and gloves.

Animal Crossing Inspires Fan to Redecorate Apartment by Pushing All Furniture Against Walls

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

MOORESVILLE, N.D. — Avid Animal Crossing fan Annabelle Ortega decided to redecorate her real-life apartment based off her house in Animal Crossing: New Horizons by pushing every piece of furniture she owned up against her walls.

“I tried the Marie Kondo method and I just couldn’t throw things away,” Ortega said while placing a stand mixer on top of a random end table. “But Animal Crossing helped me realize that I could have as much stuff as I wanted in my house as long as it was sitting flat against a wall. It’s just basic fung shui!”

Ortega said that the design inspiration came while playing the popular Nintendo Switch game. After countless hours of meticulously arranging her digital house, she looked around her own apartment and realized how cluttered it felt by comparison. She fixed the issue by moving things like coffee tables and plants so they were perfectly flush with the wall, leaving the center of each room entirely empty.

Once her apartment was transformed, Ortega decided to apply similar logic to decorating the area outside of her building.

“Annabelle has been kind of out of control lately,” said Michael Wilkins, her next door neighbor. “The other day she cluttered the sidewalk with random things like log benches and brick ovens and completely blocked the entrance into the building. Today she started using the grass behind the building to plant all these flowers in an elaborate enclosure built out of tires and birdbaths. I’m honestly a bit worried about her.”

“I have no idea how to talk her back down to Earth,” Ortega’s girlfriend Gabriella Ruiz anxiously explained. “I tried to tell her that this isn’t how you decorate, but she kept saying that she was determined to get the apartment an S rank from the building’s super.”

Ortega was so preoccupied by the project that she forgot to pay rent, leading to eviction threats. She assured her landlord that she would pay off her debt in full once she could flip her bathroom full of turnips for a good price.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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