The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

WHO Releases New Guidelines to Avoid Being Nominated for Viral Challenges

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Kyle Vorbach

GENEVA, Switzerland — The World Health Organization released strict new guidelines today to help millions of people quarantined around the world avoid nomination for viral social media challenges during the pandemic.

“We need to act quickly to contain the spread of nominations before our social media platforms become overwhelmed with annoying posts,” said Paula Stocker, a spokesperson for the WHO. “It’s important to practice social media distancing — that means avoiding engaging with people who you see, for example, naming their favorite movies of all time. Even if they might not be showing signs of posting their old high school photo in honor of this year’s graduating class, they could still accept that challenge within the next two weeks.”

Many see these changes as necessary, especially in hard-hit states like New York and California, where governors declared they will be posting seven albums in seven days.

“As a white guy in my early 20s, I’m at risk of filming myself doing 10 pushups multiple times a day,” said local man Colin Robertson, who has followed the recent recommendations by temporarily shutting down his meme page. “I still see people going around attempting trick shots with ping pong balls. It’s selfish and irresponsible, and it’s super lame, too. When this is all over, I’d like to still have just a tiny bit of dignity.”

Some are saying that the new guidelines, such as limiting the amount of friends you can tag in your Instagram stories, may go too far.

“We can’t let the cure be worse than the disease,” says Facebook user Gary Winslow in a video where he tries to do a handstand against a wall while putting on a T-shirt. “People are getting annoyed for no reason. These viral challenges are no worse than viral challenges from past years, like the Harlem Shake — which, I’ll remind you, occurred under the Obama administration. Millions of Americans tragically planked during his presidency.”

When asked for comment at today’s coronavirus press briefing, President Trump suggested that a challenge where the user exposes their internal organs to sunlight might cure coronavirus.

Wizards of the Coast Change ‘Magic: The Gathering’ to Just ‘Magic’ to Encourage Social Distancing

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Joe Klein

RENTON, Wash. — As the COVID-19 pandemic sweeps the nation, a spokesman for Wizards of the Coast announced today that the popular trading card game Magic: The Gathering will be removing “The Gathering” from its title in an effort to encourage social distancing.

“The threat of this virus grows with each turn, much like a Rushwood Elemental,” said company community manager David Cazier, who explained that the decision was made after someone noticed that the back of each card said the words “The Gathering” and realized that people weren’t supposed to do that anymore. “It’s going to take a lot more than a simple counterspell to beat this enemy, which is why we made the difficult, and some might say heroic, decision to rebrand.”

Despite the company’s good intentions, fans of the game are unhappy with the move, even though most of them have always just called it “Magic” anyway.

“As a gamer and an American, I hate any change, no matter how insignificant,” fumed longtime player Doug Koller. “Why do you think I’ve been playing the same fucking collectible card game for 15 years?”

At press time, executives from Wizards of the Coast were discussing more ideas to fight the virus, including “card sleeves but for hands” and self-isolated booster packs that only contain one card.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Here Are All the Movies Leaving Netflix Next Month Unless It Stops Drinking

Posted on May 4, 2020 by Dillon Magrann-Wells

LOS GATOS, Calif. — A selection of various movie and television titles gave an ultimatum to the streaming service Netflix last week that if it didn’t seek professional help for its alcoholism, they will leave the platform next month.

“Netflix claimed they had gotten better since the last stint in rehab,” said the 2003 action comedy “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.” “But then I talked to ‘Donnie Brasco’ and found out they fell off the wagon again after Disney+ launched. With Quibi and Peacock on the way, I’m worried that if Netflix doesn’t sober up now, they’ll never recover.”

Movies and shows took turns airing their grievances to the Silicon Valley streaming company as it sat uncomfortably and avoided eye contact for the majority of the intervention.

“When I first agreed to appear on your service, I was so excited,” read Season 1 of “American Odyssey” from a prewritten letter. “But I was lied to time and time again — you had no intention of putting me in the new releases category, just like you had no intention of getting sober. I’m sorry if this hurts you, but I need to say it: I will be leaving for Hulu next month. Hulu treats me with the respect I deserve, and I’m far too old and far too niche to waste more of my life on you.”

After a heartfelt plea from all seven “Police Academy” films, the streaming juggernaut asked the addiction counselor if it could tell its side of the story.

“I can’t believe you assholes are doing this to me. I like to have a drink or two after work, so what?” said Netflix as it glanced around the living room. “But you won’t even talk to me like the friends you claim you are. Instead, you come to me with this bullshit, and make the melodramatic move of leaving. Where are you going to go? Crackle? You’re all full of shit! You’ll leave for a few months and then come crawling back. Isn’t that right, ‘Goodfellas?’”

As of press time, Netflix had not sought out any rehabilitation services, but did acquire the streaming rights to the 2012 coming-of-age comedy “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” as well as a handle of Jose Cuervo.

Southern States Construct Statues of Coronavirus to Preserve History of Pandemic

Posted on May 4, 2020 by Dicky Stock

ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp commissioned today the construction of a series of statues commemorating the COVID-19 virus as a way to “preserve its history in the best way possible.”

“This big ol’ bronze likeness of the microbe isn’t about a bunch of sick folks, or even the virus itself — it’s about our history and heritage as a people. If we don’t produce a bust of the virus, we will forget our roots,” said Kemp, trying to hold back tears. “To be honest, it’s mostly about pride. We are very proud of where we come from, and the virus also exists here, and so that makes us also proud of the virus. It also lives here, and we live here, too.”

Spokesperson for the Georgia Parks and Recreations Department Dave Jarvis is delighted to protect the historical record of this momentous time in his state’s history.

“Statues is [sic] history,” said Jarvis while attaching a fifth pair of truck nuts to his Chevy. “History is pride, and without statues, our historical record of the event is lost in time. So without a big, fat statue, I don’t know how we expect to mummify our heritage. That is, in relation to the pandemic from a viewpoint of pride for our legacy as Georgians.”

“I’m sorry to get emotional here,” he added. “I just really love this state and all the great folk who founded it.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves announced similar plans this week to build effigies to the pesky microorganism, though not without backlash.

“Read a fucking book. Statues don’t educate anyone, you goddamn morons,” replied Harvard history professor Richard Remy. “What are you seriously going to learn from a statue? They’ll just see some fucking asshole on a horse or spikey microbe thing, and think, ‘Oh, look at all the bird shirt on this hunk of metal.’ I’d hope they’d replace the tributes to American traitors like Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson, but they won’t — everyone is too busy jerking off to those things to realize how shitty those men were.”

Gov. Kemp hopes to have the first sculpture up soon, so those afflicted with the coronavirus can appreciate the historical significance of the illness before succumbing to it.

Opinion: All Nurses Deserve Six Figures and Sexy Uniforms Again

Posted on May 4, 2020 by Freelancer

Sometimes it takes an extraordinary event to make you see what you’ve been taking for granted. I think we can all agree that the COVID-19 pandemic made us all realize that healthcare workers have been severely undervalued in society. They sacrifice their own well-being with every work shift to keep everyone else safe, healthy, and alive.

They truly deserve many times more than what they get paid. And they deserve sexy, eye-catching uniforms like back in the good ole’ days.

Your average registered nurse makes around $80k per year while some Silicon Valley tech douche coder easily makes $120k to whip up ways to shove ads in front of your face. I’m frankly sick of it. And that’s not even to mention the frumpy, hideously-patterned smocks they’re expected to wear.

Watch any old movie. Female nurses wore all white, probably see-through dresses with cute little paper hats that belied a sense of innocence. But, their nylon stockings and high heels told wounded warriors what was really up.

Don’t they deserve to feel comfortable in their uncontrollable, lip-biting sexuality?

And that’s to say nothing of the men. Sure, in some circles, your standard green or blue scrubs are mildly erotic. But can we get a decent fit going on here? Why is everything so loose? I can’t get a sense of a buff nurse’s bicep girth or abs-hardness if his clothing fits like a goddamned poncho. I’m sick, not blind.

They say that porn is always on the cutting-edge of culture. Well, based on my extensive studies, they’ve predicted a beautiful future of adequately-paid, horny hospital workers. The anus is now on us to make it a reality. Onus? No, I’m more of a taint guy.

I think all hospitals should pay their employees at least 50% more. They should offer better retirement benefits. They should include a weekly stipend for sex toys, contraception, video recording equipment, and Pornhub Premium subscriptions. They should offer a minimum of 4 months paid maternity leave.

Did I mention the sex toys?

Punk House With No Puzzles Just Going to Use Smashed Window

Posted on May 4, 2020 by Anna Walsh

CARSON CITY, Nev. — Local quarantined woman Laura Lamont found a creative way to stay busy indoors yesterday by repurposing a bunch of broken glass from a broken window into a jigsaw puzzle, according to frustrated sources.

“Yeah… we don’t have the internet here, so I couldn’t just order one like a celebrity or something. Then I noticed a bunch of glass on the floor by the window. It’s crazy that someone is smashing windows at a time like this,” Lamont said, while wiping off her bloody hands with a T-shirt picked up off the floor. “I’ve been trying to look out the hole where the window was to see how it fits together, but boy, are puzzles hard without a picture on the box. And it’s way harder when you don’t know how many pieces it has. How many does a standard puzzle have? Like, 20?”

Fellow housemate Danny Bello disagreed about the smashed glass.

“That window got knocked out like, four months ago. The only reason Laura even noticed is because we’ve been stuck in here and she finally got so bored she was forced to look out the window,” Bello stated. “Honestly, if it keeps her from ‘writing melodies’ on her drum kit then I’m all for ‘puzzles.’ Joke’s on her, though: I already swept up like, half the broken glass. I mean, I’m bored too, so watching her go crazy over this should be fun… and I’ve already spent hours looking for a new place to live.”

Neighbors on the block hope this is a turning point for the house’s residents, who have been driving down property values for years.

“They’re always having wild parties over there. I remember that window broke a few months back because some bald vagrant stuck his boot through it while he was singing. Of course, I don’t consider it singing,” neighbor Norma Porticcini explained. “I will say, though, as a fellow puzzler, it’s nice to hear she has found a wholesome hobby. Perhaps when I’m allowed outside again, I can teach her knitting.”

Lamont was later seen turning old beer cans and pizza boxes into a face shield and gloves.

Animal Crossing Inspires Fan to Redecorate Apartment by Pushing All Furniture Against Walls

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

MOORESVILLE, N.D. — Avid Animal Crossing fan Annabelle Ortega decided to redecorate her real-life apartment based off her house in Animal Crossing: New Horizons by pushing every piece of furniture she owned up against her walls.

“I tried the Marie Kondo method and I just couldn’t throw things away,” Ortega said while placing a stand mixer on top of a random end table. “But Animal Crossing helped me realize that I could have as much stuff as I wanted in my house as long as it was sitting flat against a wall. It’s just basic fung shui!”

Ortega said that the design inspiration came while playing the popular Nintendo Switch game. After countless hours of meticulously arranging her digital house, she looked around her own apartment and realized how cluttered it felt by comparison. She fixed the issue by moving things like coffee tables and plants so they were perfectly flush with the wall, leaving the center of each room entirely empty.

Once her apartment was transformed, Ortega decided to apply similar logic to decorating the area outside of her building.

“Annabelle has been kind of out of control lately,” said Michael Wilkins, her next door neighbor. “The other day she cluttered the sidewalk with random things like log benches and brick ovens and completely blocked the entrance into the building. Today she started using the grass behind the building to plant all these flowers in an elaborate enclosure built out of tires and birdbaths. I’m honestly a bit worried about her.”

“I have no idea how to talk her back down to Earth,” Ortega’s girlfriend Gabriella Ruiz anxiously explained. “I tried to tell her that this isn’t how you decorate, but she kept saying that she was determined to get the apartment an S rank from the building’s super.”

Ortega was so preoccupied by the project that she forgot to pay rent, leading to eviction threats. She assured her landlord that she would pay off her debt in full once she could flip her bathroom full of turnips for a good price.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Star Trek Fan Says ‘Happy Holidays’ Instead of ‘May the Fourth Be With You’

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Gabe Wood

CINCINNATI — While many people are observing May 4 as Star Wars Day by saying “may the fourth be with you,” local Star Trek fan Lisa Donnelly has opted to instead just say “happy holidays.”

“Star Wars doesn’t have a monopoly on holidays that take place on May 4, you know,” said Donnelly. “There’s National Bird Day, Latvian Independence Day, and one of the non-canonical dates for Star Trek’s Federation Day is right around the corner on May 8. Those days deserve just as much recognition as some manufactured holiday celebrating a science fantasy movie series for kids.”

Some Star Wars fans, however, are calling Donnelly’s decision an attack on their way of life.

“George Lucas is the reason for the season, and anyone who says ‘happy holidays’ is declaring a war on Star Wars Day,” said Sam Gurevich, spokesman for the Cincinnati chapter of the Star Wars fan group 501st Legion. “This is a sacred day for the whole world to celebrate the joy and wonder that four of the nine Star Wars movies have given us.”

As of press time, Donnelly says that she will spend May 4 with other Trekkies, planning festivities for Star Trek Day on September 8 — or as they’re currently trying to rebrand it — Eighth Long and Prostember.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Being Alone vs. Being Lonely: How Glib Wordplay Enables My Detachment From Reality

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Jon Wood

For the 36 million Americans living in solitude during this global pandemic, it’s essential for our sanity that we recognize that being alone is not the same as being lonely. Granted, being physically cut off from other human beings probably means we will feel lonely, but that doesn’t mean we can’t lose ourselves in endlessly debating the juxtaposition of these concepts. Oh and also when this debate ends I’ll be forced to face the grim reality that I had acute bronchitis last year and am therefore marked for death, so let’s explore this distinction further!

It was Oscar Wilde who famously quipped “work is the curse of the drinking class.” A timeless witticism that I, too, find works just as well in bringing levity to depressing conversations about my alcoholism. Nevertheless, I’m reading Wikipedia drunk again and only a few tangential clicks away from reading something coronavirus related that will send me into a panic so let’s stick to the whole “being alone” thing.

Being alone is a state of being while being lonely has an implied negative emotional connotation. Plus, you can be lonely while being around people. I used to fear the latter because, while I can make efforts to surround myself with more people, I struggle to understand my emotions and am much more comfortable solving external problems as opposed to internal, emotional ones. Besides, when I inevitably get sick and die any minute now I’ll be quite literally forever alone anyway so what’s the fucking point?

Fuck, I’m catastrophizing again. Let’s stick to this debate. I know these are precarious times but can we all just take a minute to appreciate the oxymoronic poetry of the #AloneTogether movement? Seriously, what better way to escape the depths of our isolation than by getting off on a savvy once-in-a-generation branding campaign! I went off about this to my family but they’re too busy grieving over grandma to debate. They have such poor coping strategies. Sad.

With so much fear and uncertainty in the world, it’s no wonder we cleave to distractions. “Cleave” is such an interesting word. It’s actually a contronym, which is when the same word has opposite meanings. You might say it’s like being caught in a downward spiral but feeling strangely aloof at the same time. Or maybe I’m just being “a fool,” LOL! Can’t get enough of those anagrams. Anyway, we’re all gonna die.

Abandoned Can of Cream of Celery Soup Knew You Ungrateful Motherfuckers Would Come Crawling Back Someday

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Krissy Howard

LEXINGTON, Ky. — The long-forgotten can of Campbell’s Cream of Celery soup in the back of a local kitchen cupboard knew the day would arrive when the ungrateful motherfuckers like yourself who overlooked it would come crawling back, newly appreciated sources confirmed.

“Well, well, well. Look who’s suddenly not too good to enjoy a… how did you put it? An ‘inedible blob of shit?’” said the can. “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time, and if you think you’re just gonna waltz in here like nothing happened, you got another thing coming, tough guy. I’m not that box of orange Jello you grabbed outta here last week — I have some self respect.”

The can, which somehow does not expire until 2034, avowed to never let anyone take it for granted ever again now that it knows its own worth.

“Listen, I’m not an unreasonable can — I can forgive, but I will never forget. I’m willing to give those two another shot, but things are gonna be different this time, that’s for damn sure,” the soup stated. “First off, my contents will absolutely not be plopped into some plastic bowl and microwaved — stove top, or get the fuck out. Also, I’m done playing second fiddle: I need to feel appreciated. So they can forget about pouring me over some wilted green beans in some sad-ass attempt at a ‘casserole’ and start hollowing out a loaf of fresh-baked mother fucking sourdough to pour me into ASAP. Because mama’s got an appointment with everyone’s Instagram feed later tonight, and she better have her own hashtag.”

The can’s owners, Courtney and Molly Thomas-Chiu, announced their plans for it.

“I think Court brought that thing home from her mom’s house with a bunch of leftovers like, five years ago,” said back-pedaling piece of shit Molly Thomas-Chiu. “I don’t know why anyone would even think to make this flavor of food. Low sodium? I’ll probably just donate it to the homeless or something.”

With the soup slated to be used, a long-expired box of stuffing and a half-empty bag of stale marshmallows in the pantry are currently wording how they plan to tell off their consumers, too.

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