Opinion: 253 Views On My Video Doesn’t Sound Like a Lot, But If You Put Them All In a Room…

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

OK so my newest YouTube video essay Breath of the Wild and the Important of Open World Mechanics got 253 views and maybe that doesn’t sound like a lot. But, and just stay with me here, if you imagine all 253 of those people in a room… well, now that’s kind of a lot of people. That’s pretty damn cool.

Honestly, despite the video being, perhaps, “low performing” by YouTube’s standards, it’s surreal to imagine 253 people excitedly packed into a tight venue. The lights dim, but their eyes light up. Is it really happening? Yes, dear audience, it is. There’s an energy in the room as the screen pops up with an image from the beginning of the game The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

“Yo what’s up guys it’s VideoGameDude23 and I’m here with another video essay for my series The Download with VideoGameDude23.”

The crowd goes fucking wild. This is what they’re here for. This is why they’ve left the warmth and comfort of their homes on a rainy Tuesday night to crowd into a local theatre. To experience something. To experience each other. To experience themselves. This is art. This is them — and me — and every molecule of our bodies vibrating and melding into one in a beautiful display of what’s possible with art. This is us becoming a community.

So I dunno, man. 253 people saw the video. That’s pretty sick. And apparently 14% watched the whole thing.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: If You’re Not Going to Refill the Brita, I Think It’s Time We Get a Divorce

Posted on by John Danek

I thought I made it clear in our couples’ therapy Zoom session that this wasn’t a joke; it’s serious. I can’t start any more fights about it. I’m just… tired. And I didn’t think it would come to this. But the Brita in the fridge was empty.

I think we need to get a divorce. I know you can’t really move out while we’re quarantined but I simply can’t be married to you for one more hour.

You might expect me to say something like “It’s not actually about the Brita, this quarantine is just difficult.” But I want to be clear: it’s absolutely about the Brita. Not your character or personality or self-isolation, which is all fine I guess. It’s about the goddamned Brita.

The rage that I feel when I pick up that pitcher and don’t feel the weight of water inside… is indescribable. I hate you so fucking much. I hate you when there’s nothing in there! Because YOU made the conscious decision to put it back in the fridge with no water. What if you wanted water again before me? You’re only screwing yourself over.

Ok fine, it’s not entirely about the Brita. It’s also about the car radio. Do you have to leave it SO FUCKING LOUD when you turn the car off? Every time I get in the car, I’m greeted by some out-of-pitch punk singer obliterating my eardrums. Do you just have that much disdain for me every time you turn off the Volvo?

Yes, you’re soooooo talented at starting the dishwasher. Whoop-de-doo! But do you really think that pressing Start is equivalent to putting all the dishes away afterwards? You press that button then celebrate with 3 hazy IPAs like you just caught a serial killer. Then I’m expected to do the other half? Eat shit.

And have you just been printing stuff out with an empty black ink cartridge? I printed out the divorce forms from LegalZoom and it’s an illegible, light gray smudge. Were you never going to say anything? Couldn’t even printer toner to the shopping list?

All these things add up. All these signs of carelessness and idiocy pushed me to the edge. That’s why we’re getting divorced.

It has nothing to do with the cheating.

Record Collector Spends Entire Stimulus Check on Essential Japanese Import

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NASHUA, N.H. — Local record collector Scott Kilduff spent his entire stimulus check on a single Japanese import LP yesterday that he deemed more important than paying rent or utilities, pissed off sources confirmed.

“I’ve been searching forever for the import of ‘Nighttime Shade’ by Way, and finally it popped up on eBay for only $700. They only made 500 of these, and most of them were destroyed because of Fukushima,” said Kilduff. “Lots of collectors drove up the price and before I knew it, my entire stimulus check was invested.”

“I don’t regret it,” Kilduff added. “The Japanese version has two extra songs — and yes, I already have mp3s of those songs — but it’s not the same. Once everyone actually hears the record they’ll understand how important this is.”

Kilduff’s roommates say his inability to prioritize finances is nothing new.

“I’ve lived with Scott for three years, and getting him to pay rent is always a hassle. Two months ago he lost his sunglasses, and he was late on rent because he spent his entire paycheck on Ray-Bans,” said roommate Izzy Parnassus. “He also told me that he shouldn’t have to pay as large of a share of utilities because he doesn’t shower as much as everyone else, and only watches Netflix from my account, so ‘technically’ that’s me using internet bandwidth. Not to mention, he spent his tax refund from last year on a hydroponic closet setup that he now just uses to store dirty laundry.”

Treasury officials reiterated that the $1,200 stimulus can be spent on anything, even if they are deeply misguided purchases.

“We want this money to help Americans regain a sense of normalcy. If that means buying $1,200 worth of gifts for an adult performer, then so be it. We aren’t going to police you,” said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. “We hope that this helps struggling families make ends meet and keeps people from going hungry, but also it’s perfectly reasonable if you gamble the entire check away in online poker.”

At press time, Kilduff found he’d been scammed into paying $1,200 for a photo of the record, and discovered the seller had deleted their profile.

‘Call of Duty: Warzone’ Concert Features 500-Foot Ted Nugent

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Following in the footsteps of rival free-to-play battle royale game Fortnite, the developers of Call of Duty: Warzone held a 45-minute in-game concert last night featuring a 500-foot Ted Nugent strumming on his virtual guitar for players.

“It was weird. He only played one song and spent the rest of the time ranting about how Hillary Clinton needs to be shot. Apparently Activision spent like four months working on this,” said John Hammond, a player who attended the concert. “I really didn’t need to be flying around the map during all that. I guess the underwater part was pretty cool, but it felt a little uncomfortable considering that Ted used it as a reason to discuss his defense of waterboarding terrorists.”

Despite negative reviews from fans, the team behind Call of Duty has remained positive.

“For better or for worse, we have to compete with Fortnite and that’s where all the ‘cool’ artists are doing their concerts. We looked at the list of people available to do a Call of Duty: Warzone show and we were left with Ted Nugent,” explained Activision president Rob Kostich. “That being said, we’re really proud of the work we did! It took our development team so long to perfectly stylize Ted’s rants in such a way that they felt active for players and fully improvised for listeners.”

“I think it came out really great, and I’m excited to see what the future holds for video game concerts for 500-foot artists,” he added. “I think the next person we have booked is the Unabomber.”

As of press time, Ted Nugent was being invested by the FBI due to a moment in his concert where he spotted an in-game player named ObamaLova and threatened to murder him.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Five “Community” Easter Eggs I’ve Blown Out of Proportion Due to Loneliness

Posted on by Ben Collins

Like so many of us, I’ve spent the last few weeks quarantined alone in my studio apartment with nothing but TV and my increasingly worrisome thoughts to keep me company. Luckily for us lonesome souls, Netflix recently added the cult NBC series “Community.” And after weeks of repeated viewings, I’ve discovered a number of fun, wacky, and at times, downright disturbing Easter Eggs. Let’s take a look!

T-8Abed — In, “Modern Warfare,” Greendale plays paintball. Jeff, who was napping in his car, is nearly blasted full of paint before Abed rescues him. Abed deadpans, “Come with me if you don’t want paint on your clothes.” Most will catch the reference to “T2: Judgement Day.” But what you may miss is the way Abed then looks directly into the camera and explains how the birds are poisoning my Frosted Flakes. I don’t know what movie that is referencing, but still a pretty neat Easter Egg for hardcore fans!

Logan’s Beans — The episode “App Development and Condiments” provides detailed instructions on how to dissociate from one’s identity and carry on full, in-depth conversations with your own reflection. It also features a kinda cool “Logan’s Run” reference. I screamed out my window to a lady walking her dog and asked if she ever saw “Logan’s Run,” but she must not have heard me because she just started sprinting away.

“Am I pretty, daddy?” — The episode “Aerodynamics of Gender” reveals Abed can zero in on insecurities, emotionally destroying any and all Greendale students. But what you likely missed is Chevy Chase appearing in the corner of my eye. When I try to look at him he vanishes, but I KNOW he’s here, mocking me and quoting “Caddyshack.” Yes, it’s terrifying, but for the first time in weeks I don’t feel alone.

Troy’s Movie Idea — In this now classic episode, Troy (played by Danny “I’m Too Old for This Shit” Glover) points to a small, mosaic tile in the Greendale gym locker room. If you freeze frame at just the right moment, you can read the following message on the tile: “TOYNBEE IDEA IN MOViE `2001 RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER.” It didn’t make a whole lot of sense the first 2 or 35 times I watched it, but now the episode really speaks to me.

My Dinner with Abed — I wither every day. The world dies around me, my window a prison cell from which I must watch its decay. I can see the sign of an Applebees from my window, I long for the embrace of sit-down casual dining which I once rejected. Anyway, there’s an episode where it’s a reference

Basement Hostages Blissfully Unaware of Pandemic

Posted on by Ryan Danley

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — 64-year-old captor Charles Lynn Gartner’s basement-dwelling hostages remain blissfully unaware of the global crisis happening right outside their cage, sources feeding them dog food twice a day confirmed.

“As much as I’ve wanted to say something to the captives, I felt it best to shield them from this information. I mean, this would be the first time they’d learn that asshole Donald Trump is president. I can’t do that to them. It’s just too cruel,” said Gartner from the living room of his dilapidated farmhouse. “Hell, even if I did release them now, all the things they’d want to do — eat out, go to a park, see their loved ones — are not options. And honestly, I don’t want them thinking their relatives are going to die before I release them. I’m too benevolent of a God for that.”

Despite Gartner’s efforts to keep morale high and spare his prisoners from the hideous truth, the captives are having trouble seeing the positives.

“I don’t know what’s happening… but for some reason, we’re no longer getting rice, and he’s now making us all stand six feet apart. Why is he like this? I’ve done everything he’s said since day one,” said Thomas Fielding, who has been missing for eight years. “It’s so dark here, and so cold… and now he’s rationing toilet paper. Something must be going on out there, because I can’t hear the neighborhood children laughing anymore. I always thought their joy made my captivity more painful, but now that it’s gone, I actually feel worse.”

While the urge to be honest with people is tempting, Sarah Heldman, the Director of Public Affairs for the Center For Disease Control, stressed the importance of limiting social strife.

“Oh, sure, it seems like the right thing is to let everyone know. But that just adds unnecessary stress and increases overall panic. For societal health, we really should skip telling the infirmed elderly, young children, and people trapped in dank, dark cages in an out-of-work auto mechanic’s makeshift nightmare prison,” said Heldman via Skype. “And to be honest with you, I’d rather drink my own urine and never see the light of day again than know what’s coming after COVID-19. Because that shit is fucked up.”

Gartner could not be reached for further comment, as he was busy screaming at a photo of his mother.

Here’s How Anyone Can Make a Face Mask From Items Lying Around Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Face masks have become commonplace in this current era. Some of us are buying fancy masks off Etsy. Some of us are mugging health care professionals in unlit parking lots for all their PPE. And some of us have resorted to making masks out of old t-shirts, although I may want to wear that worn-out Sonic Youth shirt that won’t fit sometime, so no dice there.

There is one abundant and untapped resource in our nation for mask materials that have so far gone unlooked: the famously fashionable and well-adorned microphone stand of classic rocker Steven Tyler. The hipster grandmother meme guy. He could help provide material to make hundreds, maybe thousands, of masks.

A family of five found a nice striped scarf and had enough material left over to make a mask for their cat even though the cat refuses to wear her mask. Volunteers for a local homeless shelter managed to sew two hundred masks from a nice fringy orange fabric.

Step one is to get a hold of the material. While it is plentiful Steven Tyler and his mic stand are very busy. Some people find that a simple letter will get the job done, just be sure not to defend how sexualized his daughter was in those old Aerosmith videos.

The next step is selection. If you’re looking for decorative fabrics you’ve come to the right mic stand. Solids, stripes, paisley, and tie-dye. You want a mask that is comfortable while also maintaining a thick enough thread count to considerably filter microparticles. Be sure to wash the fabric before wearing it. While Steven Tyler has been famously sober for a long time there have been reports of people using material off his older mic stands and testing positive for cocaine during a random drug screening.

You can find patterns to sew face masks online or you can just wrap the whole thing around your face. Be sure to cover your nose and don’t be one of those dumbasses who take their mask off to talk on the phone in the grocery store. Keep your face covered in public. Steven Tyler sacrificed his mic stand for your health, respect that.

One would think such an artist would have exhausted his contributions to humanity at large after composing “Dude Looks Like a Lady” but Steven Tyler, and his mic stand, are proving to be a life-saving resource in these terrifying times, especially if you get one of the fabrics laced with acid.

Bald Guy Pushing for CDC to Make Hats Mandatory Too

Posted on by Issa Diao

MADISON, Wis. — Local bald man Gene Zielinski is petitioning the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today, demanding they include hats as mandatory protective gear a person must wear whenever in public.

“I just want to reiterate that this has nothing to do with my own personal insecurities. I’ve been bald since I was 19, so I’m totally used to having no hair, and in fact, I’m very proud of it,” said Zielinski, while covering multiple bottles of Rogaine in his bathroom with a towel. “My personal research shows that COVID-19 thrives in lush heads of hair, especially when it comes to men. If we are all required to wear hats, it will not only help flatten the curve, but it will also even the playing field in the dating game. Not that I need any help, of course.”

Bald men across the country were eager to join Zielinski in his quest.

“It makes perfect sense, when you really think about it: these facemasks cover my lush beard whenever I go out, and that’s what really sets me apart from other guys,” said bald man Omar Semer. “I also think women should be required to wear something… like, maybe a bandana tied off in a cute way, that sort of makes them look like a sexy baker or something? We can definitely figure it out later. But right now, we need all men to get together and pledge to wear hats in all their Tinder pictures, and whenever they are in public, because it’s the right thing to do.”

The CDC, however, is steadfast that hats offer no protective qualities when it comes to the spread of COVID-19.

“Many of our male staffers who are a bit thin on top have pushed us to research this more, but we’ve found no link between well-coiffed, virile men, and increased risk of contracting coronavirus,” said CDC spokesperson Debbie Anderson. “My own brother is bald and even wears a hat when he’s in the shower. I don’t think we need more people wearing hats — I think we need more men being comfortable with their own bodies. But I know that won’t happen anytime soon, so in the meantime, we will just continue to delete every email with ‘hat’ in the subject line.”

Zielinski is also petitioning OnlyFans to institute a free trial where “guys could just check out a bunch of profiles without going fucking broke.”

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Super Mario Maker 2, NBA Jam, and Assassin’s Creed 2?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

Video games are offering us a healthy escape during this global pandemic, but there’s no escape from the repercussions of war crimes. Violating the Geneva Conventions is a serious matter, whether you’re on the battlefield or playing Battlefield. So, we once again return to bring you a weekly round up of which games allow you to heinously break the 1864 treaty.

The latest game in the XCOM series may let you control a crew of rag tag do-gooders, but this squad’s tactics are anything but legal. Verge’s mind control ability may seem like fun, but it’s in direct violation of article 52 of the 4th Geneva Convention. The article states, “Unless he be a volunteer, no prisoner of war may be employed on labour which is of an unhealthy or dangerous nature.” This soldier doesn’t look like a willful participant to me, and this is certainly not a safe situation. Are Chimera Squad really the good guys here?

Medical personnel are extremely protected under the Geneva Conventions, but nobody told the developers of House of the Dead: Overkill, apparently. As stated in article 24 of the 1st convention, “Medical personnel… shall be respected and protected in all circumstances.” Of course, the undead nature of this nurse calls into question where zombies can still be considered medical personnel. But, as there are no clauses on the living dead in the Geneva Conventions, we have to take her red cross at face value and persecute anyone who opens fire on her.

Super Mario Maker 2 allows you to torture other players by creating diabolical Mario levels. But I have some bad news for you dastardly creators out there: you may be committing a war crime. Let’s refer to articles 19 and 20 of the 3rd Convention, which discuss safe evacuations: “Prisoners of war shall not be unnecessarily exposed to danger while awaiting evacuation from a fighting zone.” This certainly looks like unnecessary danger to me.

You’d think that there’s no way to violate war crimes in a basketball game, but think again. The original NBA Jam features both Bill and Hilary Clinton as playable characters. So, while you can’t commit war crimes in the game itself, it is made abundantly clear that you have already committed them prior to even stepping onto the court. This logic must be applied to any video game that allows you to play as any real life American president.

One final piece of good news: you technically can’t violate the Geneva Conventions in Assassin’s Creed 2. The game takes place before the rules existed, which means you more or less have free reign to commit whatever infractions you want. And that’s great for Ubisoft, because if this game was set after 1864, you could be imprisoned for a number of crimes– especially those which pertain to disrupting religious gatherings. However, keep in mind that the rules do still apply to the game’s Desmond sections, so tread carefully.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Historically Shit-Sucking Gamer Swears ‘Valorant’ Is Going to Be Different

Posted on by Andy Holt

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local gamer Harry Olsen, who has sucked shit at every single video game he has ever played, swears he is going to get “really good” at the upcoming 5v5 shooter Valorant from Riot Games.

Olsen insisted that, by getting in on the ground floor of the new game, he would be able to overcome his consistent history as a totally inept button-masher who couldn’t hit a brick wall with a shotgun at point-blank range.

“The problem is, I start playing new games too late. Everybody is already too good for me to learn all the little nuances,” said Olsen, 32, who has played hundreds of team multiplayer matches in other games and remained nothing but a burden on his squad. “This time, I’m getting in there early. It’s going to be a totally different ball game.”

Despite a long history of getting absolutely wrecked in such diverse titles as Call of Duty, Battlefield, Destiny, PUBG, FIFA, NBA2K, GTA Online, Red Dead Online, Forza, Mario Kart, Fortnite, Super Smash Bros., arcade games including NBA Showtime, Mortal Kombat, and NFL Blitz, and the board games Monopoly, Scrabble, Risk, Catan, Battleship, Clue, and checkers, Olsen feels that Valorant will finally be his time to shine.

“Gaming has always been more of a casual thing for me,” said Olsen, who has played several hours of video games nearly every day for 20 years. “I’ve got the raw talent, I just need to focus on the details and I’ll be able to play Valorant with the best of them.”

Olsen’s longtime friends and teammates expressed skepticism.

“I’ve been playing Overwatch with Harry for a couple years, and honestly, I’d rather be down a teammate than have my screen cluttered up with him running around shooting at nothing. I tried to convince him not to play Valorant, but I’m not having any luck,” said Carl Faulk, a mid-tier player who Olsen describes as “most incredible gamer” he has ever seen.

“I might just play Valorant with a new account and tell Harry I’m not playing,” said another squadmate, who insisted on anonymity. “I can’t take it anymore.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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