Activist Posts Important Meme

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local activist/influencer/yoga instructor/Instagram model/spiritualist Lana-Ann Fink did her part yesterday to take a stand and inspire change on political and social issues by reposting a popular Baby Yoda meme.

“I feel so strongly about issues like labor and human rights and stuff that I knew I had to get involved,” Fink said while filming a branded Instagram story of at-home glute workouts and captioning it with a series of highly trafficked activism hashtags. “We all need to do our part to end suffering. That’s why I shared a FuckJerry post of Baby Yoda sipping tea with the caption, ‘You’re the problem.’ Really powerful stuff. I hope more people get the message and start like, doing things more. If I can inspire just one person, I’ve done my job.”

Fink’s follower Brady Ryan was confused by the ambiguous message.

“She posts ‘statements’ pretty often, and to be honest, I never understand them,” he commented, while temporarily muting Fink’s profile from his feed. “I suppose she feels involved, and isn’t hurting anyone, so it’s fine. The most confusing thing is, because the posts are so vague, I honestly can’t even tell if she’s good or bad. Like, she posted something about politics… but it was that politician with the eyepatch photoshopped into a screenshot of ‘Friends,’ so like, does that mean you like him, or hate him? Like, we all hate on Ross, but also Ross is often the most logical and mature… so which side are you even taking?”

Actual activist Mora Burke noted Fink’s pseudo-activism is toxic in certain circumstances.

“In a vacuum, it’d be harmless to post that nonsense — but crazy alt-right people use it as examples of ‘libtard-snowflakes’ or whatever, so it ends up being counterproductive,” Burke said while making extra signs and masks for actual, real-life protests she will be attending. “On the other hand, she’s got over a million followers on Instagram, so maybe I can get her to tag me in something and my follower count will finally break into double digits?”

At press time, Fink posted her most tone-deaf and oblivious meme to date: the “distracted boyfriend meme” with the girlfriend labeled “posting on social” and the other woman labeled “actual activism.”

Video Game Speedrunner Changes Boyfriend’s Language to Japanese to Get Through Argument Quicker

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TAMPA, Fla. — Local video game speedrunner Lulu Gardner reportedly changed her boyfriend’s language to Japanese in order to get through an argument with him quicker.

“Every speedrunner knows that Japanese is the quickest language for dialogue and luckily for me, my boyfriend is multilingual,” Gardner explained. “I’ve run this argument with Jake hundreds of times, so I have the timing down perfectly. Once you get passed the early stages, which require some really tricky maneuvering, the rest is pretty easy sailing. Honestly, I think I was on world record pace for a while.”

“Anyway, no, I don’t want to clean the dishes,” she added.

Gardner’s boyfriend, Jake Ortiz, was dismayed to have his language changed midway through the fight, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I don’t know what she did, but now I’m stuck like this in Japanese,” Ortiz said through a translator. “I don’t understand why she has to speed through all of our conversations, when she can just speed through doing the dishes. Wouldn’t that be a better use of her time? We’re supposed to take turns and I did it the last six times. Now I have to do the dishes in Japanese.”

As of press time, Gardner was reportedly working on a new exploit she discovered called Argument-Skip that allows her to use a glitch called “nananana I’m not listening” to clip through future fights entirely.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Interviewed Vince McMahon With a Folding Chair

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

The billionaire chairman and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, and honestly still a pretty good meme format, Vince McMahon has been in the news a lot lately. In the midst of nationwide shutdowns and mass unemployment related to the coronavirus pandemic, McMahon ensured WWE would continue to operate as an essential business in Florida alongside other businesses deemed essential by Florida such as shuffleboard courts and any pet shop large enough to build a meth lab in the back.

Yet, mere days later, he fired more than 30 active wrestlers and furloughed hundreds of staff in the middle of one of the worst economic crises in United States history. We wanted to give Mr. McMahon a chance to explain his side of the story so we sat down with Vince McMahon, only to stand up moments later, grab a folding chair, and wail on him with the force of 30 unemployed wrestlers, countless ex-wrestler widows, and CM Punk’s desire to have his face on an ice cream bar combined.

The Hard Times: Thanks for being here today. To start with, are you planning to hire back any of the ‘released’ wrestlers, and if so, how many?

Vince McMahon: What you need to—hey, what are you doing with that chair, dammit?!

Many people are understandably *chair shot* upset about the *chair shot* recent WWE layoffs. What do you say to the fans?

OWWWW. Now, dammit, you listen to me, dammit!

Sorry McMahon, I can’t hear you over all this kayfabe. You of all people should know to stay down if you don’t want another. Now, you were recently named to President Trump’s advisory committee to re-open the American economy. Your XFL also filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy and you’re currently being sued by a former XFL commissioner. Do you see any inconsistencies there?

You can’t do this to me, dammit! Do you have any idea who I am?!

Wait. Are you the same Vince McMahon who lashed out at a news reporter for inquiring about the impact of CTE on wrestlers?

Yes.

The same Vince McMahon who built a fortune on working wrestlers into early graves and running other wrestling organizations out of business?

Yes.

Yeah we got the right guy. *Neverending sequence of continuous chair shots*

You’re….fi…fired…

And you should have looked at the subculture of the website interviewing you. You really should have given CM Punk those ice cream bars… *final, moist chair shot*

Philadelphian Desperate for Human Interaction Resorts to Chucking D-Size Batteries at Self

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PHILADELPHIA — Quarantined Bella Vista resident Zack Simmons is so desperate for any interaction with his fellow Philadelphians, he’s resorted to hurling D-sized batteries at his own head, concerned sources report.

“As someone from Philadelphia who roots for the Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees, and L.A. Lakers, I’ve always been treated like a bandwagoning piece of shit. Before the pandemic, there was rarely a day that went by in which a random stranger didn’t tell me to go fuck my sister, or my mother, or even my grandmother. But now that I haven’t left my apartment in weeks, I somehow sort of miss it,” said Simmons. “Maybe this quarantine is driving me crazy, but looking back, there’s something charming about a six-year-old girl telling me Dak Prescott is a ‘crumb-bum piece of shit’ and spitting in my face.”

Girlfriend Natalie Ritter admitted she is worried about Simmons’ mental health.

“I love my boyfriend, but sports is pretty much it for him. With hockey, baseball, and basketball postponed, and football months away, he’s got no personality and so much time on his hands,” said Ritter. “I thought seeing him futilely throw batteries at the back of his dome would be the worst of it. But then I caught him checking the state-by-state coronavirus death tolls like it was fantasy football. He even threw a full beer at the TV when Pennsylvania ‘beat’ Texas.”

With the struggles so many Philadelphians are facing, Mayor Jim Kenney has asked that citizens not lose hope during the pandemic.

“Despite the stay-at-home order, the mayor’s office is urging all of Philadelphia to try to live their lives as best they can. Our strength in the face of jabronis, and our resolve to spam every r/nfl thread with ‘41-33’ is the only way we will get through this,” said Kenney. “When life returns to normal, we want all Philadelphians healthy enough to eat horse shit off the ground.”

Mental health experts are finding that many quarantined Americans are experiencing similar feelings, with at least one African-American man from Boston reporting that he misses being racially profiled any time he leaves Roxbury.

Frank Miller Brings Gritty Noir Sensibility to Niece’s Baby Shower

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Iconic comic book author Frank Miller brought his trademark terse and pulpy style to his niece Annabelle’s baby shower last weekend, several irritated sources reported. 

“Lotta dames here, lotta reasons to keep drinking,” said Miller out loud to no one in particular shortly after arriving at the backyard party. “Guy could really get himself into trouble at a gig like this. All long legs and stiff drinks. Better split before I start making mistakes. No one here worth goin’ to Hell for.”

The Sin City author’s constant stream of punchy narration and reduction of females to basic stereotypes put off many family members, including his niece, Cynthia Miller, who was hosting the party in her backyard. 

“Ugh, Uncle Frank is always doing this,” said Miller. “On my 18th birthday he wrote in my card ‘To my Pretty Patty, I’d tell you not to start smoking, but you have been for years.’ What a fucking creep. And my name is not even Patty! I was so worried he would show up and get his weird noir stink all over everything, and here we fucking are. It sucks having Frank Miller as your uncle.”  

Several members of Miller’s extended family have reportedly found his presence at family functions offputting over the years. 

“I remember the first time Lynn [Varley, Miller’s ex-wife] brought him to Christmas, something was strange about him,” said Sharon Varley, Miller’s former mother in law. “He kept going outside to smoke, which I told him he didn’t have to do, but he insisted. And it was pouring out! ” 

As of press time, Miller was being forcibly removed from the baby shower after reminding everyone of his 2008 directorial effort, The Spirit.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

‘Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla’ Designed, Developed and Produced by Multicultural Team of Various Weird Sword Dudes

Posted on by Andy Holt

MONTREAL — Ubisoft has taken a diverse approach to their upcoming Norse-themed video game Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, making sure to hire a multicultural team of various guys who are really into swords.

“We would never make a game about the Vikings without consulting with the most devoted scholars of their history and culture,” said Ubisoft recruiter Jenny Wells. “That’s why we spared no expense gathering the latest and greatest dudes with big ol’ swords at home.”

While major video game developers are known for their highly competitive hiring practices, Ubisoft had to alter their process to attract the right people for the job.

“We asked a few women on our staff to put on Yggdrasil shirts and head over to the local barcade. Any guy who walked up totally unprompted and explained what that word means, we gave them a job on the spot,” said Wells, who has spent more than ten years searching for the best programmers, artists and writers in the industry. “Well, we did do a brief interview to make sure they all had swords. They did, of course. Every last one.”

Ubisoft is known for putting a disclaimer on Assassin’s Creed games, emphasizing the multicultural nature of their design staff. The sword guys working on Valhalla have reportedly been pleased with the depth or representation.

“I figured they would just have one or two people like me, and I’d end up feeling like a token,” said Jack Sutherland, a local gamer who was between jobs at the time of hiring. “But then I saw they not only had a couple beefcake God of War players like me, but also some bearded Neil Gaiman superfans, and some lanky fedora guys who keep talking about how they were born at the wrong time. It’s just … it’s really nice to feel seen.”

Sources claim there is already conflict in the studio, however, as the sword guys insisted the Vikings would never make an open-world fantasy RPG video game where you can be a woman.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Jackie Chan Fan Immediately Regrets Throwing Ladder at His Idol

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — An unfortunate situation occurred today, as self described Jackie Chan “superfan” Dalton Carvey chucked a ladder at his longtime favorite actor, in doomed hopes of recreating one of his many iconic fight scenes. 

“I thought he would roll with it, like in the movies,” said a sobbing Carvey, as he was being led away in handcuffs from the scene of the assault.  “I know that movies aren’t real, but that’s why Jackie is the best, because he always did his own stunts. I thought he would appreciate the reference to his work as opposed to the fiftieth selfie he’s been asked to take today. Is he going to be ok?”

Chan was reportedly walking to his car in a parking lot when he caught the attention of Carvey, 35, who grew up watching his iconic performances in martial arts films. The accessibility of a nearby ladder inspired Carvey to enact an impromptu recreation of a popular scene in Police Story 4 (known stateside as Jackie Chan’s First Strike.)

“We were kind of freaking out about Jackie Chan being right there,” said Jesse Plutt, a friend of Carvey’s that witnessed the events. “And then Dalton was like, ‘Hey watch this,’ and grabbed this ladder off the side of a van and launched it at Jackie and then yelled his name while it was in the air. Jackie saw it, but instead of flipping out of its way or catching it and doing some gnarly move with it, he just watched it fly at his face. Poor guy just sank like a stone.”

Lucy Miller, Chan’s personal assistant, claimed that this was merely the latest in a series of dangerous interactions with fans. 

“I’m sure they mean well, but I wish they had a better grasp on reality,” she said, shortly after the altercation. “Jackie deals with this stuff all the time. Most actors deal with autographs when they go out in public, poor Jackie has people throwing bottles and swerving cars at him. Much like one of his films, the poor guy can’t go anywhere without it becoming needlessly dangerous. I just hope he’s okay this time.” 

As of press time, Chan, 66, was being airlifted to a nearby hospital, after refusing a stretcher and insisting on clinging to a rope ladder hanging from a helicopter.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Too Much Inside Bad? Brain All Dumb Now

Posted on by Kevin Hufe

We all know important science adults say we need be inside. We all know be inside help no get sick, ‘specially help cranky old mommies and daddies. Many have idea we let economy outside as trade for eleventy thousand grampas and grandmas dead, but other people from school say that evil and bad. Hownever, have we done thought bad things happen when everybody inside too much time? Did science people forget brain get sick too when tell everybody “outside bad”?

Personallike, I’ve no been having good easy fun time during stay inside. First few days, okee dokee. No feel no different. Still have tv. Claystation still play the game. But after many day, fun things now boring. Even think read book maybe, but too hard.

Me think brain no work good no more. Me no brain science man, but know how head normal think, and head no normal think now. Head actually think real bad. Can barely remember how turn on Spongebob. When try write article for job, only big dumb dumb sentence come out of head to fingers. Luckylike, tv typing box do good job fix mistakes, but me scared soon bossman no pay if can’t write good.

In end only time tattle tell what good and what bad. Me hopes inside time-out no go too long. We all much excite to go back work or school or play jungle gym. It not easy not get play outside, but America gots to no catch icky-sicky-19 even if cost brain goodness.

Smart brain history man say “Give me liberty or give me death.” He make words good and words that is good are being important today as words good then I think. I have gun now, go protest?

Neighborhood Applause for Healthcare Workers Ruins Perfect Vocal Take

Posted on by John Danek

BROOKLYN — New Yorkers loudly applauded their appreciation for healthcare workers on the front lines of the COVID-19 epidemic again last night, unwittingly ruining bedroom musician Carrie Lorre’s “perfect” vocal take, confirmed the extremely frustrated singer.

“We don’t even live near a hospital, so there’s no way the nurses can hear anything. So what’s the fucking point of cheering? One guy was banging on a pot like a kid in a parade. Totally unnecessary,” said Lorre. “My next door neighbor is in the hospital with coronavirus, so I finally had the chance to record some vocal tracks without him calling the building manager to complain. I took my usual five or six dozen warmup takes in GarageBand — which I instantly hit CTRL+Z on — and right as I could feel myself about to finally nail the high note, all the idiots on the block started screaming. It totally threw off the autotune.”

One of Lorre’s neighbors admitted they’re one of the louder supporters.

“7 p.m. cheering is the only thing I have to look forward to,” admitted upstairs neighbor Mark Schramko, who had to temporarily close his gluten-free donut shop. “It’s the only event in my Google Calendar right now. We have to cheer for the workers: they need to hear our hooting and hollering! They need to be inspired to beat this disease. Without our support, they might stop fighting!”

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services issued guidelines for effective ways to support healthcare workers during this time.

“Let’s be real — the clapping doesn’t do shit, and you’re just doing it to post on social media to compete with those shifty, opera-singing Italians,” declared Secretary of Health and Human Services Alex Azar. “But most Americans seem pretty cool with it, so instead of putting more money towards hospitals, most of the Trump administration just applauds loudly at the same time each night. It saves us a shitload of money, and I need it right now — I had to dump a bunch of stocks in hotels, and… I should really stop talking.”

However, the cheering ritual has had some unintended consequences, including falsely boosting the egos of out-of-work stand-up comedians holding live-streamed comedy events at the same time.

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