The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Board Game Winner Devastated to Learn Friend Actually Would Have Won in Like Two More Turns

Posted on April 30, 2020 by LD Wallace

NORFORK, Va. — Local Catan winner Luna Haynes was distraught to discover that her friend Mike Sandoval would have won the game if it had lasted just like two more turns or so.

“I love playing board games and it feels great when I win. But when Mike said that he would have won if the game had continued for a few more turns, I felt a pain in my chest. I was just so sorry to have done that to him,” Haynes explained. “If I could turn back time and not make the winning move, I would. Then I would do nothing for two more turns, making sure not to secure Longest Road. It’s the very least I could do.”

Other players agreed that learning of Sandoval’s position in the game left them devastated.

“There might not be an official second place in Catan, but in my heart, that’s what Mike got. Doesn’t that mean something? Shouldn’t it?” said Fred Lee, another player in the board game night. “What are we if we don’t honor those who would have won in just a few turns? Who are we if we leave behind those who just needed to land a few 8’s, hope no one else won, and then built a few more cities?”

As of press time, Haynes revealed that actually he had miscounted and only had seven points, not nine.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

The Best Mindfulness Apps You’ll Delete to Make Room for Tinder Again

Posted on April 29, 2020 by Alec Stein

Mindfulness is everywhere! From Instagram celebs to that friend whose Medium page you keep lying about reading, it seems like no-one will shut up about this thing. The Hard Times is not one to buck a trend so we took it upon ourselves to scour the web for the best mindfulness apps that you’ll end up deleting to make room for Tinder again.

Headspace – Probably the best known mindfulness app on the market, Headspace offers an array of features from basic meditation courses to advanced courses tailored to specific aspects of your life. Wow! They sure did put a lot of work into something you’re just going to delete the moment you realize you don’t have a date to your cousin’s wedding this fall.

Calm – This dead-app-walking was our personal favorite until we got mildly horny. Not only does it feature a lush soundtrack of nature sounds, the way the blue app icon shakes when you go to delete it almost looks like waves as if to symbolize the rough seas ahead. So serene!

Aura – Aura was an app first recommended years ago by our ex. Speaking of which, let’s see what they’ve been up to on Instagram. Engagement photos!? We only broke up like three years ago! Rebound much? I wonder what Tinder Plus costs these days.

Simple Habit – The point of this app is to offer stress release for busy people, which made us know right off the bat that it wasn’t for us. We’re more “gettin’ busy” people if you catch our draft. For real, you’ll wanna re-download this one to manage your incoming horde of Tinder dates.

Alright that’s all for now. We were gonna review a couple more apps but this person on Tinder just said they’re totally DTF, they just needs us to Venmo them some cash to get an Uber. Things are looking up!

Child Not Popular at Home School Either

Posted on April 29, 2020 by Sari Beliak

GILROY, Calif. — 13-year-old Matthew Staller’s social standing has not improved at all since his middle school closed down last month, the seventh-grader quietly reported Tuesday while eating his lunch upstairs in the bathroom he shares with his sisters.

“I was actually kind of relieved when they closed our school and moved everything online, because now I don’t have to run the mile in gym class or ride the bus anymore. I thought maybe learning from home would give me a chance to start over… you know, be a different person,” said Staller. “I’ve been really trying to make some friends, but I have to say, so far, I’ve been pretty unpopular here, too.”

Despite his best efforts to endear himself to his peers, the seventh-grader has maintained a steady stream of being teased, bullied, and otherwise ignored by his classmates, teachers, and family members while failing to make a positive impression on those he sees around his new home school setting.

“Yeah, I see him around the halls all the time and he seems super weird,” said Staller’s 17-year-old sister Moriah. “Last week at the kitchen table, he tried to tell me that he has a girlfriend who goes to another school, but I know he’s lying. And he always wears the same ‘Yu-Gi-Oh!’ pajamas to class everyday, and talks about his lizards… and I just really don’t want anyone to see me talking to that dork.”

Although the transition to a new school can be challenging, Staller is expected to latch onto at least one authority figure to project his feelings of loneliness.

“Matthew definitely comes by my home office a lot more these days,” said step-dad Alan Mortimer. “He seems like kind of a dweeb, but he does kind of remind me of a more dorky and less athletic version of myself when I was his age. Plus, it’s nice to have someone to talk to since I got furloughed last week. I keep missing the Zoom happy hours because my coworkers keep forgetting to tell me when it is.”

At press time, Matthew was asking his step-dad if there were any additional homework assignments he could do for extra credit.

Opinion: I Was Broke and Unemployed Before All of You Posers

Posted on April 29, 2020 by V.F. Thompson

All you kids these days, with your “Animal Crossing” and your one-and-done stimulus payments, think you’re so fucking cool just because you lost your job and can’t afford shit now. Well, guess what buckaroo, some of us showed up drunk to our Wendy’s shift years ago and haven’t worked a day since. You think you’re bored off your gourd, imagine what I’ve been going through.

Sure, maybe my housemates might be sick of it, but what are they gonna do, kick me out? It’s not like any of them are gonna huff it down to the corner store to pick up more Hamm’s. Did you hear that? I will get off the couch and walk to the store for beer, just so no one else has to. And you think that your gig was “essential”.

Besides, it’s not like I just sit around and do nothing. I walk down to the living room to binge Hulu almost every single day, and if I’m feeling really spicy then sometimes I even do the dishes. Not all of them, but like, a fork or two. Hell, I even took my housemate’s dog for a socially-distanced walk last week. If that’s not worth smoking their weed and bumming it, then what is?

I dunno, here’s an idea, but maybe if you could afford coke on an hourly wage, I would have actually been able to keep up with the work and we wouldn’t be here. But we are, and that’s not going to change any time soon. What am I going to do, just ask them for an application for a counter job next time I’m at 7/11 to pick up a case? In this economy? Grow up.

Now fuck off my porch, I’ve got doobies to roll, baby.

Sesame Street Airs Special Episode to Explain Coronavirus to the President

Posted on April 29, 2020 by Jon Wood

NEW YORK — The cast of “Sesame Street” joined the country’s leading scientists and health experts this weekend in a special episode that explains the basics of the coronavirus to President Trump.

“Like so many of our young viewers, Donald Trump is obviously confused and frightened by this ongoing crisis, so we created accessible content to help our President understand the facts of the global pandemic. At one point we feared we might be dumbing things down too much, but then we realized who our target demographic actually was,” said Jeffrey Dunn, CEO of the Sesame Workshop. “The program covers a range of topics tailored to our commander-in-chief — from the ABC’s of social distancing, to the do’s and don’ts of narcissistic Twitter meltdowns. We’re hoping Fox News takes a break from blaming Obama for this outbreak and runs some of our segments, so we know President Trump actually sees it.”

The 90-minute town hall episode featured an all-star cast of Sesame Street muppets, who took turns fact-checking and responding to incoherent statements made by the President about COVID-19.

“Elmo is sooo happy Trump watching Elmo’s show now! That means coronavirus briefing today led by competent medical professionals, instead of being derailed by the ramblings of a vindictive sociopath. Yaaaaay!” said Elmo with arms akimbo following the airing of the show. “We sing about risks of ingesting household chemicals, and we sing special song about preventing more senseless death. That song makes Elmo saaad.”

President Trump shared his takeaways from the “Sesame Street” broadcast, responding in a series of unhinged tweets late Sunday evening.

“It’s a disgrace when you look at what’s happening on Sesame Street. Big Bird isn’t even that big. Trust me — I’ve seen big birds, these birds were bad — but that yellow freak knows nothing about business,” Trump tweeted. “These are very sick people, and you also have people who are actually very sick, so we’re helping them with that. But we have the biggest ratings numbers ever and Sesame Street won’t report — just ask that rich purple guy who loves to count! #LameStreet Hoax makes Trump SAAAD!”

According to sources, the White House has begun drafting an executive order that would defund public broadcasting and ban financial support from progressive letters of the alphabet.

YouTuber Unboxing Dune Board Game Freezes Up After Realizing the Gom Jabbar is Aimed at His Neck

Posted on April 28, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Fans of the YouTube channel DavesCoolGames were shocked after an unboxing video of the Dune board game depicted the channel’s host reaching into the game box before discovering that his hand was trapped inside and the gom jabbar was now aimed directly at his neck.

“Alright, what we have here is Gale Force Nine’s beautiful remastered edition of the classic board game Dune, based on Frank Herbert’s novel and originally released by Avalon Hill in 1979. This is a very old and beloved game and I’m excited to take a look at what we’ve got inside,” began the video’s narration by host Dave Callaway. “Now, the first thing you’ll notice when you take a look at this package is the stunning full color artwork of a sandworm or ‘Shai-Hulud’ cresting over the sand of Arrakis. On first glance, the inside of the box is black and oddly frightening. It’s almost like light can’t penetrate the inside at all. Anyway, let me reach my right hand inside and see what we’ve got here. Whatever it is, it feels like cold, slick metal, and there’s a little prickling like my hand is asleep.”

Sources say at this point in the video, Callaway’s demeanor changes as he freezes up suddenly and stares directly into the camera.

“Now I don’t know if my camera’s picking this up, but right now what I’m noticing is that someone is holding up the gom jabbar to my neck. Any Dune fans will recognize that this is just a test to prove that I’m human. As long as I remember that fear is the mind-killer and make sure not to pull my hand out of this gorgeous cardboard box, I should be alright. Now, let’s see what else we can feel inside. Oh, looks like the cold feeling is starting to warm up into a burning sensation. Kind of painful. Be careful with this at home if you’ve got small kids!”

The video then reportedly depicts Callaway struggling to endure tingling, burning nerve pain while describing the contents of the board game box by touch alone in increasingly hurried breaths.

“I think what I’m feeling right now are the different card decks and the player markers. It feels like pretty sturdy card stock, very high quality. It also feels like my hand is getting completely charred….I’m going to pull my hand out now and hope I don’t die. Here we go…and we’re safe! Well, that was very painful, but from what I could feel in there, Gale Force Nine did a great job with this set.

The video then reportedly concludes with Callaway regaining his composure and recommending the board game to his viewers. “I recommend picking this up if you’re a Dune fan, but if you’re not familiar with the source material, some of the details might go over your head. Also, you might die during the gom jabbar test.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: If You’re a Supervillain, Cut It Out

Posted on April 28, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Supervillains — those with great power who use it for nefarious purposes — need a stern talking to. It’s time to stop. Your villainy has gone too far and you are a stain on our society. I sincerely hope you read this and consider your actions.

Trying to take over the world, toppling cities, disrespecting our troops, fighting our superheroes… these are behaviors that are not good. If you are participating in these, you must cut it out. Now. Enough is enough.

In these troubling times, we need everyone on the same side. We cannot allow for these petty differences, between supervillains and superheroes, to tear us apart as we face a greater threat. We need to come together for the common cause and solve the problems that divide us later.

And many internet trolls will undoubtedly point out my various columns over the last few decades advocating for the need for supervillains. You think you’re so clever, don’t you? The times change and people do too. I may have been a staunch advocate for supervillains all the way back in the early 90s, until about 2018, but now I have changed my tune. Now I think supervillains need to stop and I’m the one stopping them via this column. Honestly, if you’re bringing this up right now, you’re just as bad as the supervillains, if not worse. So just shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck UP. SHUT UP.

Villains are bad. They need to cut it out. So look at me: STOP IT.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Joe Biden Announces Endorsement from Sundown Movement

Posted on April 28, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Notable Alzheimer’s awareness organization Sundown Movement officially endorsed former Vice President and Democratic nominee Joe Biden this morning, stating the candidate “exemplifies their ideals as someone who routinely forgets what he is doing and where he is, especially late in the day.”

“I am incredibly thankful to accept the endorsement of the uh… you know. The thing,” Biden said at a rally. “If we’re gonna win this thing… this, you know… talent show… we’re gonna need all the help we can get. We’re gonna need to… because the thing about Donald Trump is that he’s going to win. Donald Trump… I mean, we’re going to defeat Donald Trump. Back in the ‘60s, we — he and I had a swim race, you know. We swam down the lake to the island and the middle and then back. And you know what? I won that race.”

Biden then paused and after a moment, said, “I’m not Donald Trump,” to an explosion of cheers.

Feedback from the rally was incredibly positive.

“Joe speaks the same way as the folks I know, and that’s what I appreciate about him,” said Michigan resident Fergus Reid. “I like that when I listen to Joe, I don’t know if he’s telling me something about his childhood or something he read in a ‘Tom Sawyer’ story. That’s what I look for in a president: I want to vote for someone I could have a beer with, or even better, someone who can’t have a beer with me because he seems like he had a rough bender from ages 15 to 29.”

Members of the Sundown Movement were reportedly split between endorsing Joe Biden and Donald Trump, but ultimately voted in favor of Joe Biden.

“Frankly, many of our members felt that President Trump embodies Alzheimer’s better than Mr. Biden. But after a heated debate, we all sort of forgot where we were and what we were doing. Then we decided that, yes, sure — it can be Joe,” said Sundown Movement president Martin Hamilton. “A lot of people confuse us with the Sunrise Movement, and that’s just the way we like it: we believe that everyone should be a little more confused in their daily lives.”

At press time, the Sundown Movement announced again that they were endorsing Joe Biden for president.

Current Relationship Covering Load Time for Next Relationship

Posted on April 28, 2020 by Tyler Simpson

PLANO,Texas — Local man Daniel Masterson recently discovered that his current relationship with Alexa Freedman is just covering up the load time for his next relationship.

“I realized that I’m just inside of a loading transition while we were watching the entirety of The Great British Bake Off in complete silence over the past weekend,” explained Masterson, pointing out that the clever trick was similar to those commonly used in video games such as elevator rides or long hallways. “It was a clever illusion at first, but now it’s clear that this has just been a facade that’s occupying my time before my next relationship is ready.”

Masterson says in retrospect, he realizes this isn’t the first time that being part of a couple has merely been a way to fill the space between bigger chapters in his romantic life.

“There was this girl, Jessica Peters. She loved to talk on the phone so I’d take these really long, slow walks while holding my phone through these unskippable conversations. A few months later I met Melissa and we ended up dating for a year. It wasn’t obvious at the time, but now I realize Jessica’s phone calls were just distracting me while the cutscene where I met Melissa at Brad’s party loaded up in the background. Pretty clever!”

“And there was another girl, Rachel McMasters,” Masterson continued. “She was really outdoorsy. She was always taking me on these rock climbing excursions, but she only ever wanted to slowly side-step through very narrow cracks in the cliff faces. We’d spend hours and hours slowly clambering our way through these things and all I could think was, ‘There’s no way this is supposed to be fun’. I mean, it was definitely something to do. It just wasn’t much fun. She was a weird one.”

“Look, I appreciate Alexa,” Masterson added, asserting that the newly discovered truth of his relationship didn’t change how he felt. “She’s a much better way to transition to my next real relationship than laying in bed staring at a static dating app screen, waiting for someone better to load in. Like, check out this girl. Her bio says, ‘I love watching big doors slowly open.’ She seems nice enough, I guess. Maybe I’ll connect with her after my next big breakup.”

As of press time, Masterson and Freedman have separated. Masterson says that he’s considering just playing a mini game until the next relationship loads.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Adorable! Government Thinks $1200 Is Enough to Live in New York City

Posted on April 28, 2020 by Shea Strauss

Oh my gosh! There’s nothing like an adorably incompetent government to make us forget our woes, even momentarily!

After over a month of quarantine, the Internal Revenue Services sent out $1200 stimulus checks nationwide. In New York City, residents couldn’t help but giggle when they saw the government’s endearing attempt at covering the high cost of living.

Too cute for words!!!

Arielle Caplan, who was recently laid-off due to COVID-19, said she couldn’t stop but squee out loud when she saw the government’s check.

“The check is just so comically teeny tiny compared to the size of my rent and Cobra payment,” said Caplan, who lives in a studio apartment without a kitchen in Prospect Lefferts Garden. “I was barely affording my apartment when I was gainfully employed and insured. It’s so sweet that the government thinks I could live off a one-time payment of $1200.”

Can you say “awwwww?”

Washington Heights resident Affan Lozano said when he saw the check, he immediately thought of his landlord who could use some levity in his life.

“I’m so excited to send this to my slumlord,” said Lozano. “I’m sure he’ll get a good chuckle when he sees the amount. Sure, I’ve been stuck inside a tiny apartment with three Craigslist roommates, an awful rat infestation, and none of the benefits of living in the city, but, hey, this super-rich dude needs it more than me, or he wouldn’t be harassing me daily.”

Heart-warming!

Adorably bumbling big boy “President” Donald Trump kept insisting that the stimulus check was a generous amount.

“It’s not little. It’s very regular-size. Much bigger than Obama’s,” Trump insisted adorably, clearly not talking about the stimulus check anymore.

So. Freaking. Precious.

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