Aging Punk’s New Model Building Hobby Mostly Just Excuse to Keep Sniffing Glue

Posted on by James Knapp

TRENTON, N.J. — 31-year-old punk William “Billy Club” Moore’s new model-building hobby is primarily just a socially acceptable means for the scene elder to continue his longtime glue huffing habit, slightly light-headed sources confirmed.

“Making all these models is a great way to pass the time. I may not be a young man anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a creative outlet,” said a glassy-eyed and somewhat distracted Moore, surrounded by paper bags. “Check out this fucking ship in a bottle I made last week — I had a blast working on this thing, and some of those pieces are even in the right place. Who needs to go outside when you’ve got plenty of glue… uh, I mean, crafts to keep busy with?”

Longtime friend Stephanie Stanwicz supports Moore’s newfound enthusiasm for constructing models poorly.

“It’s good to see he’s growing up a little and trying out some adult hobbies. This is way better than that time he got really into pogs a few years back,” said Stanwicz. “Sure, none of his models are assembled right, and most of them look like he kind of gave up halfway through, but what do you expect? He’s still developing his interest. Give him time… and maybe a non-toxic alternative to that rubber cement he’s been using.”

Not all are confident Moore is serious about his new hobby. Melanie Winston, owner of the craft and games store The Thrifty Gnome, noted Moore’s attitude as he purchased another tube of glue and the kit for a 1/400th scale battleship model.

“This man is single-handedly keeping the store in business,” said Winston. “He transfers me some money, and I leave tubes of glue out behind the store under a bucket for him. Look, I’m all for amateurs getting interested in model-building, but that guy might actually hurt himself doing this. I just hope he doesn’t get interested in building his own rockets or something — I’m afraid he might try to huff whatever they put inside the propellant. That stuff will really mess you up.”

At press time, Moore was passed out on his credenza after drinking 34 bottles of paint meant for miniature figurines.

Community Applauds at 3 a.m. Every Day to Celebrate Gaming Heroes Who Don’t Go Outside

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — The residents of New York City have begun applauding out their windows every single day at three in the morning to celebrate and congratulate the gamers who are brave enough to stay inside.

“I feel so hopeless these days. All I want to do is give back to those keeping our community safe — the gaming heroes who play games instead of going to the park,” said 72-year-old Brooklyn native Marcia Wright. “It makes me feel good and safe knowing that they’re in there grinding away at whatever RPG just popped up on Xbox Game Pass. If I could serve my community like that, I would. And so we thank them, the gamers, the best of us.”

The heroic gamers in question, however, have been so busy helping to protect their community from COVID-19, that many of them have not even noticed the applause.

“People have been clapping? Huh. I guess listening to a podcast while blasting game music has kinda made it hard to pay attention to what’s going on. Apparently there’s a quarantine,” said one gamer, Chris Martin. “I’m just trying to beat Bloodborne.” 

As of press time, New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced a $10 billion cut to funding for gaming statewide.

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Fans Upset ‘The Last of Us Part II’ Leaks are Not Exclusive to PlayStation Owners

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Fans of the series were shocked today when a plethora of The Last Of Us II footage was leaked to the general public, instead of being made available to only PlayStation owners.

“It’s horrible what the leaker did,” said fan DaddyJoe23 on Twitter. “Imagine investing so much time, money and effort into something like the PlayStation 4 and The Last of Us. The other fans and I deserve something for our loyalty, and honestly it sucks to have to share all of this footage with the Nintendo, Xbox and PC players who weren’t even going to play it anyway!”

“I bought my PS4 just so I could play The Last of Us II, when it turns out I could have just seen the ending online for free,” another user, NathanXCrash posted. “Does Naughty Dog not care about their customers at all?”

Sources have confirmed that the leaker has turned themself in to the police, out of fear the PlayStation fans would find them first.

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Tom Hooper Suggests Re-Releasing ‘Cats’ After Shutdown Because It Seems Like Everyone Was Busy When It Came Out or Something

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Cats director Tom Hooper suggested on social media today that theaters could re-release Cats once the quarantine ends because people seemingly missed it on the first go-around.

“I think after this COVID stuff ends, it would be nice to welcome everyone back to the theaters with a re-release of Cats!” Hooper said in an Instagram post. “Something like Avengers: Endgame could be fun too, of course, but everyone already saw that. Not really sure why people didn’t get around to Cats, but I guess everyone was busy when it came out the first time around. Maybe they all had a wedding to go to or something? No judgement either way, but I bet people are itching for a chance to finally see Cats on the big screen!”

As of press time, the Instagram post had garnered 13 likes from fans and one comment, from  Hooper’s mother, saying she would love to see the film again.

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Man Panic-Watches “The Simpsons” Looking for Clues on Next Global Disaster

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

HOUSTON — Local man Joseph Graciano spent the past 72 hours obsessively streaming “The Simpsons” on Disney+ looking for anything else that could portend doom for the human race, roommates who would love to watch something else confirmed.

“First it was Trump being president, then Disney buying Fox, and now the coronavirus. ‘The Simpsons’ predicted it all,” Graciano said, roughly rubbing his eyes with his palms. “Sure, in the episode ‘Marge in Chains’ it was Japanese and called ‘Osaka Flu,’ and that was more about America’s fear of being outpaced economically by Japan 30 years ago… but other than all that, it’s exactly the same as COVID-19. We’re through the looking glass here, people,” Graciano added before pausing the TV to read and scribble down the name on each puppies’ bowl in the episode “Two Dozen and One Greyhounds.”

Graciano’s obsession has particularly taken its toll on roommate Mike Benavides, who’s stuck in the apartment with him during the “shelter at home” order.

“The whole thing about ‘The Simpsons’ being some sort of jaundiced Nostradamus is fun to talk about when we’re getting high, but fuck me,” Benavides said, twanging one of the pinned pieces of yarn on Graciano’s connection map linking Trump’s border wall and “The Simpsons” Bumblebee Man character. “But Joe’s really gone stir crazy: Bart holding up a bus ad that looks like it says ‘9/11’ years before isn’t some goddamn Illuminati shit. It’s just some cromulent, Reddit nerd shit.”

Reached by FaceTime, “The Simpsons” showrunner Al Jean dismissed the fortune teller theory that’s made the rounds on social media throughout the years.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that we predicted coronavirus, among other things,” laughed Jean. “Had we really had the power to accurately predict something like Sigfried and Roy being attacked by one of their tigers, we’d play the lottery rather than drop cryptic hints decades ahead of time about, say, that solar-powered monorail crash that’ll kill all those school children in 2021.”

“I mean… uh… fuck!” Jean added before abruptly ending the call.

At press time, Graciano was warning all of his friends to avoid Knoxville this summer, lest their car be crushed by the Wigsphere.

Pornhub Sees Spike in Searches for “Groups of More Than 10 People”

Posted on by Becca King

SAN FRANCISCO — Pornhub saw a drastic spike in searches for “groups of more than 10 people” this quarter, the result of a new but wildly popular genre of pornography in which 11 people or more crowd into a single room with complete disregard for personal space, company representatives confirmed.

“It’s shocking. This genre of porn can be pretty niche, but right now it’s what everyone is clamoring for: our analytics show most viewers stop watching before the fucking even begins. I guess they just want to remember what it was like to be in a group with a common goal,” said Jake Switzer, a data analyst for Pornhub. “I haven’t seen anything like it since the aftermath of the Democratic debates — it was all ‘Mike Bloomberg cuck fest’ for weeks. I can only hope things get back to normal soon, because honestly, seeing what grabs the highest ratings week to week is the best part of my job.”

Experts say the trend has brought changes to the typical porn consumer lifestyle.

“I’m attuned to the cutting edge of what Pornhub has to offer, and right now it’s all about group sex. The more the merrier, as they say,” said Mike Todesky, a self-appointed Pornhub critic. “Every news update that mentions the virus makes me anxious, and my only release is 30-40 dudes wearing work boots and no pants and just going to town. I used to have a solid six-or-higher standard when it comes to pornstars, but I’m so goddamn lonely these days, I’ll watch any old dogs experience the closeness of sharing space with other human beings. ”

White House coronavirus expert Dr. Anthony Fauci clarified in a press briefing that while exploring fantasies of crowd-forming is a normal and healthy response to the growing crisis, it should not be replicated off-screen.

“Much to our collective chagrin, ‘people packing’ parties like these are still off-limits for at least another month,” said Dr. Fauci. “There remains a good chance that asymptomatic people could be exposing other gangbang participants to the coronavirus, which would result in an unbearable strain on our healthcare system, great loss of life, and devastating economic collapse. So stick to porn, and if you need some recommendations, hit me up on Twitter and I’ll share some of my favorite scenes.”

Pornographers are preparing for the most likely shift in consumption by soliciting security camera footage of Black Friday shoppers from department stores, malls, and other retailers.

Terrifying: This Writer Is Willing to Hate Any Movie for Just a Few Thousand Clicks

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Most writers like movies that are good and dislike movies that are bad, letting the internet decide who deserves the most clicks based entirely on the content of the article. We all know that we can open Pandora’s box and say we think something like Call Me By Your Name is a little overrated, letting the angry users flood in. But we don’t. 

We don’t, except for the bone-chilling Stephen Burke, a 26-year-old freelance writer who is willing to fully hate any movie for just a few thousand clicks on his articles.

“I have never seen The Godfather but it sucks absolute shit if I can get ratioed and rack up upwards of 10,000 pageviews,” the terrifying writer uttered in an interview. “The ad clicks don’t even mean anything anymore now that we’re in pandemic world. But I don’t care. I just hate popular things for the love of the game.”

Burke’s viral articles, including Why Moonlight Is Actually Racist and Homophobic and Is Parasite Secretly the Worst Movie Ever Made? have taken the internet world by storm, leading many to wonder if he is ushering in the Age of Movie Darkness, allowing the gates of Internet Hell to open, and letting the vicious trolls run loose on the web.

“I don’t have a single real opinion. I’m an empty husk of a man, writing whatever I must to feed the silence in my soul that festers when not enough people talk to me,” Burke explained in the horrifying interview. “I don’t care if the responses I get to my work are positive or negative. I just need responses.”

Why do we care about people like Burke? Why are we all fascinated with the darkness? The true crime stories? Perhaps what’s most terrifying about writers willing to hate movies for clicks, or murderers and serial killers, is ourselves. Perhaps we’re afraid of what we’re capable of when the rules of society topple. Do we all have it in us to take another’s life? Do we all have it in us to call Get Out derivative of Insidious II? Hopefully we don’t ever have to find out.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

You Can Have My Weekly Shindigs at Applebee’s When You Pry Them From My Cold Dead BBQ Sauce Stained Hands

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

Our country is teetering on the brink of oblivion. Governments are looking to dismantle our very way of life and revoke our rights from under our proud noses at every level! Well I got news for Uncle Sam, Rosie The Riveter, and any other government stooge that may be listening: you can have my weekly shindigs at Applebee’s when you pry them from my cold, dead, BBQ sauce-stained hands.

Let me start off by saying, I love America. I love her amber waves of grain, her purple mountains, and even though I’m iffy on “fruited plains,” it’s 2020 and I can be tolerant. To me, any wife of mine (and I’ve had many) is still a side piece compared to America. But my love for Her would never stop my willingness to overthrow the government or kill every single member of its active military or police force if I felt IN ANY WAY that my rights were being infringed.

Our right to assemble is protected under the Constitution, our most sacred of documents since 1776. And the need to is supported by our most sacred document since, the Applebee’s dinner menu. These inalienable rights to gather with my buds Kliph, Thicket, and SlimJames every Thursday night at the Applebee’s near the nice junkyard for bottomless apps. I’m a red-blooded, thick veined, heart diseased American man and I demand to eat and drink like one. I’ll be goddammed if anyone stands in between me and a bucket of limearitas (not gay cuz it’s Budweiser).

I’m no expert. But in America, you don’t HAVE to be an expert to know what’s going on here. Just look at experts on the news. These doctors, lawyers, and Hollywood elites want us to forfeit our liberty so we can all turn into 5G-snorting metrosexuals. Well I ain’t about to learn how to kiss dudes or whatever masterclass Judd Apatow is peddling this month. Maybe that sounds crass, but I’m a simple man with simple pleasures and one of those pleasures is going out to Applebee’s and singing the “baby back ribs” song at my waiter even though I didn’t order ribs and that song is from a Chili’s commercial.

Are you a sheep? Do you go bah bah? Does your back hair make sweaters? Do you show up in my dreams dressed as a lady? No? Then stop listening to those DemoCRAPS in Washington telling you to stay home. This whole thing has been blown out of proportion and, wait, does Applebee’s deliver? They do? Oh shit, never mind. Stay home people, there’s a fucking plague out there!!!

Dead Bandmate on Floor Making Sweet New Album Cover

Posted on by Zac Fairhall

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Up-and-coming black metal band Desolate Slaughter are hurriedly shooting album art tonight after their bassist Rob Moore died mid-rehearsal, sources still waiting to call 911 confirmed.

“Yeah, he was pale, sweaty and coughing… but he’s always kinda like that, ya know?” said singer Alex “Lord Borthnagar” Warren, posing on the floor in the rehearsal room next to the body. “I thought it was weird he didn’t come out for a smoke with us, and when we came back, he was spread-eagled on the floor by the kit. Obviously my first thought was, ‘Oh, fuck, did he damage any of my gear?’ But then I thought, ‘Holy shit, we gotta get pics of this ASAP for our new record!’”

Photographers are fighting for the opportunity to come and do the shoot.

“This is the kind of break every band photographer dreams of, man. I’ve spent years taking shots of dead animals for local bands: disemboweled stuff against winter backgrounds, the usual stuff. But when I came in and saw Rob on the floor, I almost cried at how fucking hardcore he looked,” said photographer and friend of the band Leona Nikolai. “I knew Rob, and I don’t wanna presume, but I think dying of a virus and hitting his head on the kit on the way down is how he would’ve wanted to go.”

Not everyone at the shared rehearsal space is happy about the fanfare.

“This is easily the most fucked up thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and 911 won’t do shit,” said singer Liz Lovett of indie band Egghead Unthinkable. “First off, they’ve gone way over time — two-hour slot, my ass. Secondly, they’re dragging this body around to pose and getting blood absolutely everywhere. No way am I paying full-price to use that room afterwards.”

Local EMS workers called to the scene couldn’t provide an ambulance, as bassists are considered a “non-essential service.”

Fans Disappointed to Discover It Was Actually Daniel Radcliffe Who Visited That Girl’s Animal Crossing Island

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW HORIZONS — Fans worldwide were disappointed to discover that the celebrity who visited someone’s Animal Crossing: New Horizons island was not Elijah Wood, and was in fact, Daniel Radcliffe. 

“I saw the username and I was so excited that Elijah Wood reached out to me to come to my island that I didn’t even process that it was actually Daniel Radcliffe. I feel so cheated,” said Twitter user @directedbyrian, a few days after her viral tweet. “I like Radcliffe just fine… but he wasn’t in Lord of the Rings. It was so hard to tell because his villager looked exactly like how I imagine Elijah’s looks. I guess it looks just like Daniel too.”

Animal Crossing players took to the web to complain about the confusion.

“I was so mad when I found out that I lied to my whole family about Elijah Wood going to that island. I love Elijah Wood! Now I have to call up dozens of people and explain to them that I was actually talking about that Harry Potter fucker,” said Reddit user u/DM_ME_TURNIP_PRICES. “It was like an even worse version of when I had to call all my exes and tell them I got syphilis.”

“I hope all of Daniel’s turnips whither,” responded hundreds of comments in the replies.

Radcliffe apologized quickly on social media after the incident in an attempt to win back the favor of his followers.

“Elijah and I get confused for each other by fans all the time, but I really didn’t see this coming,” Radcliffe said in a post on Instagram. “My guy’s name is Elwood because it’s a reference to the wood that makes up the Elder Wand in Harry Potter. Honestly I’m so disappointed in myself I didn’t realize that people would read it as Elijah Wood.”

At press time, Elijah Wood could not be reached for comment after reporters realized they had actually called up Daniel Radcliffe again by accident.

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