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Southern States Construct Statues of Coronavirus to Preserve History of Pandemic

ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp commissioned today the construction of a series of statues commemorating the COVID-19 virus as a way to “preserve its history in the best way possible.”

“This big ol’ bronze likeness of the microbe isn’t about a bunch of sick folks, or even the virus itself — it’s about our history and heritage as a people. If we don’t produce a bust of the virus, we will forget our roots,” said Kemp, trying to hold back tears. “To be honest, it’s mostly about pride. We are very proud of where we come from, and the virus also exists here, and so that makes us also proud of the virus. It also lives here, and we live here, too.”

Spokesperson for the Georgia Parks and Recreations Department Dave Jarvis is delighted to protect the historical record of this momentous time in his state’s history.

“Statues is [sic] history,” said Jarvis while attaching a fifth pair of truck nuts to his Chevy. “History is pride, and without statues, our historical record of the event is lost in time. So without a big, fat statue, I don’t know how we expect to mummify our heritage. That is, in relation to the pandemic from a viewpoint of pride for our legacy as Georgians.”

“I’m sorry to get emotional here,” he added. “I just really love this state and all the great folk who founded it.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves announced similar plans this week to build effigies to the pesky microorganism, though not without backlash.

“Read a fucking book. Statues don’t educate anyone, you goddamn morons,” replied Harvard history professor Richard Remy. “What are you seriously going to learn from a statue? They’ll just see some fucking asshole on a horse or spikey microbe thing, and think, ‘Oh, look at all the bird shirt on this hunk of metal.’ I’d hope they’d replace the tributes to American traitors like Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson, but they won’t — everyone is too busy jerking off to those things to realize how shitty those men were.”

Gov. Kemp hopes to have the first sculpture up soon, so those afflicted with the coronavirus can appreciate the historical significance of the illness before succumbing to it.