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Opinion: All Nurses Deserve Six Figures and Sexy Uniforms Again

Sometimes it takes an extraordinary event to make you see what you’ve been taking for granted. I think we can all agree that the COVID-19 pandemic made us all realize that healthcare workers have been severely undervalued in society. They sacrifice their own well-being with every work shift to keep everyone else safe, healthy, and alive.

They truly deserve many times more than what they get paid. And they deserve sexy, eye-catching uniforms like back in the good ole’ days.

Your average registered nurse makes around $80k per year while some Silicon Valley tech douche coder easily makes $120k to whip up ways to shove ads in front of your face. I’m frankly sick of it. And that’s not even to mention the frumpy, hideously-patterned smocks they’re expected to wear.

Watch any old movie. Female nurses wore all white, probably see-through dresses with cute little paper hats that belied a sense of innocence. But, their nylon stockings and high heels told wounded warriors what was really up.

Don’t they deserve to feel comfortable in their uncontrollable, lip-biting sexuality?

And that’s to say nothing of the men. Sure, in some circles, your standard green or blue scrubs are mildly erotic. But can we get a decent fit going on here? Why is everything so loose? I can’t get a sense of a buff nurse’s bicep girth or abs-hardness if his clothing fits like a goddamned poncho. I’m sick, not blind.

They say that porn is always on the cutting-edge of culture. Well, based on my extensive studies, they’ve predicted a beautiful future of adequately-paid, horny hospital workers. The anus is now on us to make it a reality. Onus? No, I’m more of a taint guy.

I think all hospitals should pay their employees at least 50% more. They should offer better retirement benefits. They should include a weekly stipend for sex toys, contraception, video recording equipment, and Pornhub Premium subscriptions. They should offer a minimum of 4 months paid maternity leave.

Did I mention the sex toys?