The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Quarantined Bully Forced to Give Self Swirlies

Posted on May 7, 2020 by Doug Francisco

NEW YORK — Quarantined high school bully Evan Maddox, under stay-at-home orders for the past three weeks, gave himself swirlies yesterday out of desperation, amused sources report.

“Sure, it’s weird,” said Maddox, drying off his head and hiding from himself inside a kitchen cupboard. “But keeping up some semblance of a normal routine is important. I’m still getting up early every morning, showering, and brushing my teeth… and then I dunk my head in the toilet and pull the lever as many times as I feel like. Typically, I’ll look at myself in the mirror after and yell, ‘Are you gonna cry, crybaby? Do you want your momma?’ And that helps take the edge off.”

For his part, Maddox’s father Jeff appreciates the diligence with which his son is pursuing his school work.

“You worry that after all this time off, they’re going to get behind when they go back to school,” the 39-year-old said. “But our daughter Sarah is keeping up with her math, and Evan is ritualistically humiliating himself two or three times a day. It’s great to see how seriously they take their schooling. Earlier I saw Evan pants himself in the kitchen and then laugh at his own penis before running off. He’s very well adjusted. I’d like to think I had some part in that because of my constant absence and alcohol dependency — seems like it’s made my kids pretty self sufficient.”

Freshman chess club captain Paul Franklin, Maddox’s most frequent victim, claimed that missing his daily swirly is “bittersweet.”

“What I miss most is the routine. Although I don’t love having my head dipped in a toilet — and I especially didn’t appreciate the rare ‘chocolate’ swirly — I did like the human contact between Evan and myself,” said Franklin via phone. “A lot of people feel invisible in high school. I’ve never had that problem, thanks to Evan and his buddies. Lately we’ve been trying to coordinate Zoom meetings so they can call me ‘retard’ or ‘gay’ or whatever. It’ll be nice to see everyone again, even if it does make me cry.”

At press time, Maddox was carefully insulting every article of clothing he wore as “poor people shit I wouldn’t let my dog chew on.”

Facebook Game Ad Actually Government Recruiting Device to Contract Earth’s Most Skilled Military Tacticians

Posted on May 7, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Top government sources have revealed that the Facebook advertisement for a game called Douse The Goblin! is actually a military recruiting device to find Earth’s most skilled tacticians for a secret mission to defeat the space goblins who threaten our way of living.

“Considering the stakes at hand, it’s certainly a bummer that so few people have clicked the ad,” said United States Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “We’re basically searching through a pool of about twenty people to figure out who the Earth’s most skilled tacticians are. This one guy on our team kept insisting we use Fortnite as our tool, but I don’t know, there’s no goblins in that. It just seemed like not a perfect one-to-one. I think I definitely learned my lesson there.”

According to the few who have played the game, it was pretty evident early on what was going on with the recruiting tactic.

“Yeah I doused the goblin in Douse The Goblin! for like three levels and then I got a call from some top secret government fella,” said Facebook user Martin Stowe, 63. “I guess they didn’t have many options because I don’t think I even beat the game. Next thing I knew I was in a spaceship flying up to Mission Control to command a series of space buckets that doused real life space goblins. It was just like the game, except it was real.”

As of press time, not enough goblins were doused and the goblins took over the Earth, enslaving all of humanity and setting forth the beginning of our planet’s dark ages.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Gamers Donate Hundreds of Unused Healing Items to Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Posted on May 6, 2020 by CJ Hernandez

WASHINGTON — Gamers across America came together this week to donate hundreds of saved healing items to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who was recently hospitalized.

“Phoenix Downs, Full Restores… I’ve got tons of these things just sitting around in my closet,” said Florida gamer Jordan Brier, who organized the donation effort on Twitter. “I just figured I should save them in case there was a more important fight later on, you know? And now I’m really glad I did, this is it, this is what we were saving them for.”

Justice Ginsberg’s office has been flooded with donations of medkits, potions, and fully cooked rotisserie chickens. One anonymous donation included 48 wheels of cheese and a copy of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim for the Nintendo Switch.

“We are so grateful for the outpouring of support from America’s gamer community,” said one member of Justice Ginsburg’s staff. “We are hopeful that Justice Ginsburg will have fully restored her hit points after a long rest. Any extra healing items will be donated to help those affected by the COVID-19 pandemic.”

Though some are concerned that there could be another more pressing need for these items in the next four years, Brier seems confident that these consumables should be used now.

“We can always farm more items later if we need them,” Brier explained. “For now, I can think of no better use for these items than saving the only legitimate reason to vote for Joe Biden in November.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Mortal Kombat 11 DLC Pack to Include Sheeva, RoboCop, and Dewey From Malcolm in the Middle

Posted on May 6, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

CHICAGO — NetherRealm Studios announced the next set of fighters coming to Mortal Kombat 11 today, a collection that will see the series continue to embrace and welcome characters from other pop culture worlds with the addition of Robocop, the titular vigilante cop from the 1987 cult classic, and Dewey, the youngest sibling in Fox’s 2000-20005 sitcom Malcolm in the Middle.

“Really excited about these new fighters,” said Ed Boon in a Facebook live chat today, following the reveal of the DLC addition to MK11. “We’re really happy to get Sheeva back in there, as a nod to fans that have been with us for decades. RoboCop is a no brainer, with this penchant for justice and violence. And Dewey, well, I know it seems strange, but wait until you get a load of what this kid can do.”

Dewey Wilkerson, played by Erik Per Sullivan for seven seasons, was the youngest member of the family (up until season’s four introduction of the Jamie character), and as such was subjected to a lifetime of neglect from his parents and torment by his older brothers. These emotions, coupled with a series of foreign objects hidden in his ears, will see Dewey able to contend with anyone in the tournament.

“Sure was tough to keep a lid on this,” said Sullivan, of his return to the role he is best known for. “We did mostly punches and kicks and stuff, not a lot of dialogue, but it was still a real thrill to step back into the part that made my career. Can’t wait for fans to see Dewey Wilkerson on that character select screen next to Lui Kang, Shang Tsung, and The Terminator!”

The trailer concluded with a sneak peak at several of Dewey’s fatalities, with one featuring him trying to set up an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine before it ultimately topples over and crushes the opponent.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: I Hope We Can Still Be Friends Because I May Need to Borrow Money or Your Car at Some Point

Posted on May 6, 2020 by James Knapp

Listen, this isn’t working out. Sorry. I’m sure this must come as a shock to you especially since I overdrew our joint bank account last week to buy a waterbed. But don’t worry! I’m sure that someday you’ll meet someone very special; someone who makes you feel the same way you already feel about me. And even though we aren’t together anymore, and I’m moving in with that twenty-one-year-old I met at Emo Night Boise, I hope we can still be friends.

Which reminds me, what are you doing tomorrow at 3 a.m.? I need a ride to the airport. If you’re busy I totally understand. I’ll just use the spare key to borrow your car. I know you don’t mind biking to work.

The most important thing right now is that we be honest with each other. How are you feeling? Is there anything you want to say to me? What’s your pin number? This is all part of your grieving process.

Remember that time we took a vacation to Miami instead of going to your grandmother’s funeral? You didn’t want to go but I insisted and it turned out to be one of our best trips ever! Try to look at this the same way. It may be sad now but before you know it I’ll be fifteen daiquiris deep desperately trying to talk you into a threesome.

I hope we stay close after this. If you need some time to process everything that’s okay but I need you out by five. Since we’re already three days into the month you can leave your half of the rent with your keys on the table.

Well, I’d better head out. I got my new girl tickets to Third Eye Blind and I wanna get there early to explain the band’s cultural significance to her over Whip-Its in the parking lot.

Thanks for cooking dinner. Don’t worry about doing the dishes though, I’ll get Pandora to do them when we get home. You deserve a break. Shit, I’m strapped for cash right now. could you spot me like $20 for a shirt tonight? Thanks, babe.

Georgia Announces Plan to Close Hospitals, Re-Open Bars and Just Kind of See What Happens

Posted on May 6, 2020 by Ted Pillow

ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp announced that the state will close hospitals, re-open bars, and “just let God do his thing or whatever he’s got planned” for the foreseeable future, according to terrified sources fleeing the state.

“It actually makes a lot of sense,” Gov. Kemp explained at a press conference. “You’ve got a lot of other states that, for the most part, are keeping non-essential businesses closed and telling people to continue social distancing. Shouldn’t at least one state do the exact opposite and see if that works? It’s called ‘thinking outside the box.’ That’s why I’m encouraging all Georgians to hit the bars, get hammered drunk, and get some ass. I mean, just go all out on this one.”

Many Georgia residents expressed concern, fear, and anger over their governor’s controversial plan.

“It’s bad enough that we’re opening against the warnings of all the experts,” noted 37-year-old Atlanta resident Debra Morgan. “But some of these new policies Gov. Kemp is suggesting are completely insane. He’s going to get people killed because he only cares about the economy — yesterday, I got a court summons in the mail requiring me to go to the mall this weekend. It came with a ‘Coronavirus Protection Kit’ that just had some garlic, a crucifix, and a few silver bullets in it.”

Kemp’s decision to relax restrictions has been heavily criticized. White House health advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci expressed serious concern over some of the state’s plans.

“I think this is really dangerous,” Dr. Fauci said. “Most of Kemp’s state-wide health policies are highly unorthodox, unhelpful, and probably impossible to enforce. For example, despite what he said at his press conference, I don’t think it’s constitutional to ‘make sneezing illegal.’ And I’m very worried about Georgia’s new health campaign, ‘Let’s High-Five the Coronavirus Away!’”

At press time, Kemp was seen walking around the food court at the mall and asking strangers, “You gonna finish that?”

This Quarantined Couple Made a Sock Puppet Version of Jaws Instead of Acknowledging Issues With Their Relationship

Posted on May 6, 2020 by Dan Rice

Quarantine is hard on relationships. Long term confinement, boredom, and lack of privacy have become major concerns for couples. Resentment can rise high in these conditions and countries that have begun lifting quarantine are already seeing an increased divorce rate. But one internet couple is having a ton of fun avoiding the inevitable.

Tom and Sue McHenry have started making a shot for shot recreation of the film Jaws using sock puppets instead of admitting to themselves “It’s over.”

We reached out to the McHenry’s about the film they have been releasing in 10-minute chunks on youtube twice a week instead of communicating in any meaningful way. Tom walked us through the show’s origins.

“We were sitting there on the couch not acknowledging the fact that we hadn’t made love in 2 months and I guess in an attempt to say something, anything to break that silence, my brain made my mouth say ‘sock puppet Jaws.’ And she said ‘OK.’ I was so excited to have a project to focus on and, honestly, it was nice to hear her voice again.”

In addition to giving the McHenrys something to focus on other than wondering “Where the hell did we go so wrong?” Sue explained how the production has made them both more creative and resourceful.

“I’ll see a wrapper he left on the counter when he easily could have just thrown it away and my first thought is ‘I could kill him. He doesn’t care about anything. I could actually kill him.’ But now my next thought is “Hey, I could make Hooper’s hat out of that wrapper!”

Tom has become quite the props master himself.

“It’s crazy how fast your mind starts repurposing everything. Like this novelty stuffed donut I won for her in a claw machine on our first date. It used to be a sentimental keepsake, but now it’s the Kipner boy’s floaty tube!”

Sue went on to explain how grateful they are for the project’s viral success.

“I couldn’t be happier with the response to the show. All of the comments have been really supportive and questions like ‘Can we ever really make each other happy again?’ have been pushed deep down into my subconscious. I’m talkin’ in the basement.”

Though the McHenry’s wouldn’t comment on plans for any future sock puppet movies, Tom did offer up what could be a teaser for things to come:

“You ever looked into the eyes of someone who’s mad at you for masturbating? They’re black. Like a doll’s eyes.”

Punk Uses Stock Photo of Dirty Apartment as Zoom Background to Hide Parents’ Mansion

Posted on May 6, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

SAVANNAH, Ga. — Local punk Jake Stanton used a photo of a trashy apartment as his Zoom background yesterday to hide the true nature of his living arrangements at his rich parents’ house.

“I’m a punk. It just also happens my dad runs a hedge fund, and my mom is a corporate attorney,” Stanton said while moving his MacBook Pro so the live-in cleaning service could straighten up. “And I need to make sure it’s clear that I’m a punk during my online class, so rather than have my parents’ palatial, beachside manor behind me, I used a custom background of a rotten squat with a tower of empty PBR’s and pizza boxes, and a random stray cat.”

Classmates were surprised Stanton bothered with the misleading background, as they already know of his financial situation.

“It’s not like we forgot pre-quarantine life or something. We go to private school,” fellow student Claire Dunn stated, showing a selfie the two took by Stanton’s indoor pool. “He’s always so loud about being ‘punk.’ Good thing he can’t set a custom smell via Zoom.”

Stanton’s father Arthur, a senior partner at Blackstone, was disappointed by the low-quality fake background.

“I offered to make our backup, backup-backup apartment look like a trashy punk house. I even bought him an apartment next to one of the dangerous parts of New York so he could be more immersed,” Mr. Stanton said while placing a single stock trade that made more money than most people will see in an entire lifetime and transferring the subsequent net gains directly into Jake’s allowance fund. “I can’t figure that boy out, but I try to be supportive… though he always complains about that, too, so I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Despite Stanton’s extensive effort to appear punk, his plan backfired when the Blink-182 poster in his artificial background featured Matt Skiba instead of Tom DeLonge, outing him as a poser anyway.

Quarantined Gamer Dangerously Close to Finishing Game

Posted on May 5, 2020 by John Dixon

RESTON, Va. — With America approaching a third month of quarantine due to COVID-19, gamer James Batson is reportedly battling a rare challenge: he is close to completing a game.

“I haven’t actually finished a game since I was like nine years old,” Batson said from his home, where he was hoping to ride out the worst of the situation. “Usually I just kind of start playing something else and forget I was even playing the other game in the first place, but with all this extra time, I’m actually about to have to, well… to cross something off my list.”

Batson expressed fear that by completing a game, and subsequently moving to the next game with a sense of accomplishment, he may threaten his very life as a gamer.

“This whole thing really has me questioning if I’m even a gamer anymore,” he said. “What kind of gamer actually starts to clear out his backlog?”

Batson’s friend Ellen Jeffers has been tracking his progress through Twitch streams, and she expressed concern and disbelief at what was taking place.

“I saw he had put in about 76 hours, and I started to worry because that’s pretty deep for a single player game,” Jeffers said. “So I checked out his stream, and he’s ignoring all these obvious signs that the game is close to ending: tearful goodbyes, godlike enemies, literal text boxes saying the end is nigh, but he just kept going. He really should have spent some more time dicking around or doing side missions to stretch things out and keep this from happening.”

Experts see these occurrences as a grim portent of things to come. Games researcher and journalist B.B. Bray believes Batson may be on the vanguard of a rash of game completions.

“Right now it’s just one guy completing one game, but soon there’ll be another and another after that,” Bray said. “And none of those are going to just stop at one game, meaning this will spread exponentially and soon, with production and the supply chain hampered as it is, we will quite simply run short of new games to play. And where will that leave us?”

At press time, Batson was attempting to pad out the remainder of the game by refusing to move faster than a leisurely stroll so he could “enjoy the atmosphere.”

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Todd Howard Delays Elder Scrolls VI Due to ‘Corona-18 or Whatever’

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

ROCKVILLE, Md. — At a press conference held earlier today, Bethesda director Todd Howard was relieved to announce that the highly anticipated Elder Scrolls VI would be delayed due to “Corona-18 or whatever.”

“We’ve decided to put the game on indefinite hiatus because of the covid thing that’s going on,” Howard said, trying not to sound elated. “We cannot in good conscience continue developing the game while this, what was it again, virus continues to affect our country.”

According to Bethesda concept artist Rebecca Nadir, Howard’s decision came suddenly one day while the Elder Scrolls team was holding a Zoom meeting.

“Todd actually joined the call during our daily brainstorming session, where we were trying to figure out an actual title [for Elder Scrolls VI],” Nadir recalled. “I don’t even think he was aware that we’d be doing these calls for weeks, but he came in all like, ‘Guys, this beer virus sounds like bad news. We should consider postponing the game for a few years or something.’”

During the press conference, Todd continued trying to sound upset while clearly fighting back laughter as he discussed the nature of the delay.

“It is very unfortunate that this incident has begun to occur as we were knee-deep in development, just really working hard trying to get the game to you as quickly as we possibly can,” Howard said, struggling to maintain a straight face. “But we will keep our loyal fans posted and resume development as soon as every roll of toilet paper is disinfected or something.”

At press time, several sources claimed to have seen Howard pumping his fist as he returned home. He was later reportedly seen writing “Skyrim DS???” in a pocket notebook.

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