Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Watch Dogs, and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

If you were horrified by the prisoner abuse at Abu Gharib in 2003, guess what? You might not be too different from the military personnel who carried out those deplorable acts. That’s because video games often normalize a whole slew of war crimes, and even incentivize us to break those laws. So here’s a weekly rundown of which games allow you to violate the Geneva Conventions and their additional protocols.

The Animal Crossing series may seem like an idyllic utopia where nothing can go wrong, but unfortunately that’s not always the case. There’s no shortage of heinous crimes you can commit in New Horizons. For example, article 21 of the 3rd Geneva Convention states, “Prisoners of war may not be held in close confinement except where necessary to safeguard their health.” Thanks to fences, you are able to create such illegal cages, making you no better than the current United States government.

Once someone has died in war, you need to pay your respects. It’s not just a meme; it’s a law: “The gravesites of all such persons shall be respected,” declares article 34 of Additional Protocol 1. The creators of Watch Dogs take glee in breaking that rule by allowing players to vault over gravesites. It’s the kind of despicable act that’s unbecoming of a French studio like Ubisoft.

 

Sonic Adventure 2 features the classic chao garden, which lets you raise adorable little creatures. Or, you can choose to abuse them, so they grow up to be dark chao. But if you do that, you’re breaking article 50 of the 4th Geneva Convention, which mandates that you maintain “the care and education of children.” In the above example, Tails can be safely classified as a criminal.

High level Fortnite players may be proud of their “sick skills” when it comes to sniping down unsuspecting gliders. But a “200 IQ play” isn’t remotely smart in the context of war. Article 42 of Additional Protocol I is very clear about this: “No person parachuting from an aircraft in distress shall be made the object of attack during his descent.” Epic fail, bro.

If you need us to explain what the problem is here, you are beyond help.

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Voltron Team Members Have Zoom Meeting

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

PLANET ARUS — The five members of Voltron Force, the team that pilots the super robot known as Voltron, assembled remotely from their homes for the first time via Zoom conference today, sources familiar with the situation confirmed.

“Ready to form Voltron from home! Activate inter-locks! Dyna-therms connected! Webcam and microphone turned on!” exclaimed Black Lion pilot Keith, making various final adjustments to his workstation such as the angle of his external monitor and the positioning of his computer chair. “Infra-cells up! Mega-thrusters are go! Oh, hey Lance! I guess we’re just waiting on the others still, I’ll give them a few minutes.”

The unprecedented long-distance Voltron assembly reportedly continued for several minutes as the other pilots joined one by one. Sources say that Keith continued shouting the steps of the start-up sequence until he was interrupted by an uproar caused by the Green Lion pilot, Pidge, setting up an ironic Zoom background that made it appear as though he was actually floating through space like a typical mission instead of doing a video call in his home office.

“Go, Voltron Force! Form feet and legs! Form arms and body! And I’ll form the head! Oh, if you guys could just mute yourselves, that would be great. I’m getting some feedback, not sure from who. Also, I don’t think I have a premium account for Zoom, so we might get kicked out after 40 minutes. Just a heads up in case that happens.”

At press time, sources say that the Voltron Force spent the last ten minutes of their meeting bringing their robot lions on camera to say hello to one another.

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NBA Commissioner Using Time During Suspension to Finally Add “No Dogs” to Rulebook

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

NEW YORK — NBA commissioner Adam Silver is using the league’s ongoing suspension due to COVID-19 to finally add “no dogs” to the official rulebook, following years of feel-good stories involving ragtag teams and adorable puppers.

“The tyranny of dogs as last-minute substitutions to help a team pull off improbable victories using trick plays is over. We can finally rid ourselves of this loophole,” said Silver. “I know there are many young pups out there shooting free throws with their noses that will be disappointed to learn they are no longer draft eligible, but we must protect the integrity of the game.”

NBA official Kyle Herring applauded the league’s hardline stance against canine athletes.

“It’s a now-familiar scene to even casual NBA fans: a struggling team is down by 30 at the half. Suddenly, they emerge from the locker room with a border collie or golden retriever or some other mutt sporting a team jersey and goggles. Next thing you know, the opposing team’s coach — who always has slicked back black hair — is fuming and begging the ref to check the rulebook,” said Herring. “I can’t even count how many times I’ve had to tell irate coaches and players that there’s no rule that says dogs can’t play professional basketball… not to mention all the Twitter death threats I’ve gotten from fans. I speak for all my colleagues by saying we’re overjoyed by Mr. Silver’s decision.”

Philadelphia 76ers center Al Horford admitted that he was torn by the rule, but ultimately agreed with the league.

“Don’t get me wrong: I love dogs, and it’s pretty cool to see a pooch knock in a three-pointer from the half-point line using his nose, or climbing up an opposing player’s back for an alley oop. But the risk just isn’t worth the reward,” Horford stated. “I still remember all too well that brutal fight between Gordon Hayward and New Orleans Pelicans forward, Mr. Ruffles. There were no winners in that game.”

While some canine former NBA players will be playing professionally in Europe next season, other leagues have taken the NBA’s lead — both the MLB and NHL have recently banned chimpanzee athletes, and the NFL is no longer allowing mule placekickers.

Study Confirms Timothée Chalamet Can’t Even Sweep Pick So, Like, Why Is My Girlfriend Obsessed With Him???

Posted on by John Danek

Sweep picking is the hardest, gnarliest, most impressive technique a man can do on a guitar. I can’t tell you how many hours I spent in my bedroom with my metronome at 54 bpm, patiently navigating my Ibanez Iceman’s fretboard, honing my skills. And according to all of my internet research, Timothée Chalamet barely knows more than cowboy chords so why in the FUCK is my girlfriend constantly watching TikTok videos of him in slow motion?

This anemic, pale little shit is hoarding all of her attention. It’s like she forgot that I have a Marshall half-stack in my bedroom.

What does he have that I don’t?! First of all, how pretentious of this punk-ass wiener to put an accented letter in his name. I have to look for the option key on my Mac every time I want to type his name into Twitter to find more insult fuel.

Sure, becoming “The Sweep Picking Sex-God” (your words, not mine) may have come at the expense of developing less useful skills like social graces, emotional intelligence, and financial security, but who is impressed by those? Not fans of Avenged Sevenfold, Yngwie Malmsteen, and Megadeth. Show me a sweep-picked lick from any of these titans and I’ll play it back as thousands of “meh”s reign down upon me from countless YouTube metal nerds, fore I am a king!

Yet to my girlfriend, this means nothing. I don’t get it. This scrawny kid fucks a peach and everyone trips over themselves calling it art, but when I do it my roommates yell “Close the door” and “I’m calling the cops!” What does he have that I don’t?

Since then I’ve played through John Petrucci’s Rock Discipline over four hundred times but nothing has changed. If anything she’s on her phone watching home more. Send help! And looper pedals!

New Bidet Owner Disappointed to Realize His Asshole Is Off-Center

Posted on by Zach Russell

NEW YORK — Local man David Treyborn realized today, while testing the flow of the new bidet attachment he purchased as a low-waste alternative to toilet paper, that his asshole is considerably off-center, sources squinting and cocking their heads confirmed.

“So Google tells me ‘all’ assholes are situated in between the cheek and not in the middle of one… which I guess clears up a lot of ass-related mishaps and mysteries from childhood,” Treyborn said. “Like once, in eighth grade, I farted onto a lit match my brother was holding right behind me, but the fiery jet that came barreling out of my ass burned my sister instead, who was standing way off to the left. My brother and I were like, ‘Woah, how even!?’ and my dad was like, ‘What have you done?! Your sister’s a monster now!’ You know, things like that.”

Hired to represent Treyborn in an anti-discrimination lawsuit against bidet vendor TUSHY, attorney Morgan Reed said she anticipated a decisive victory.

“As a prosecutor who’s represented clients with deformed and abnormal privates for nearly two decades, this one’s a slam dunk,” said Ms. Reed while admiring a photograph of her shaking hands with a two-dicked man she’d helped win millions. “All we have to do is prove TUSHY’s product team considered neither off-center assholes nor askew vaginas in designing their bidet. The emails we subpoenaed clearly demonstrate TUSHY execs knew of this accessibility gap, yet chose to move forward anyway because of market pressures. The ADA’s gonna eat this up.”

TUSHY’s Chief Product Officer Robert Venetti issued a press release clarifying the manufacturer’s position on inclusivity.

“Rinsing out assholes is our bread and butter. It’s our raison d’etre. It’s why we wake up, rain or shine, frost or snow. We’re the US Postal Service of sanitizing perineums, and we’re damn proud of it,” said Mr. Venetti. “We’ve explored adding side-to-side nozzle functionality before, but the market’s just not there because all the assholes I’ve ever seen are exactly where they should be. Not one I’ve encountered in the lab or the field is as far-flung as Mr. Treyborn’s. The kid’s a freak… but yeah, we’ll probably settle.”

At press time, Treyborn’s partner was somehow holding eye contact with Treyborn while eating his ass.

Record Player Can’t Get Through ‘Cuphead’ Soundtrack Without Dying

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — An antique gramophone-style record player was unable to play through the entire vinyl release of the Cuphead original soundtrack without dying halfway through each song on the album, increasingly annoyed audiophile sources confirmed.

“Every time the record would get to a certain point on the third track, the needle would get hit by a tiny speck of dust that seemed to come out of nowhere and prematurely end the run,” said an irritated Edgar Linestown, owner of the antique record player. “I knew it wouldn’t be easy to finish a playthrough of this album, but I bought it out of love for old-school 1930’s ragtime music, and I’ve made it my mission to one day finish it. Until then, I guess I’ll continue to wonder whether I actually love or absolutely despise this damn soundtrack.”

Friends of Linestown shared in his total dissatisfaction with the playthrough of the vinyl.

“Even together we couldn’t get through any of these challenging songs,” said Jennier Dresenton, Linestown’s roommate and fellow big band aficionado. “I suggested we try playing it on a different RPM and that seemed to slow down the pace, but overall we didn’t get the same experience. Finally after many failed attempts on the regular RPM, we straight up started slapping the record player every time it died. That brought it back to life a few times, as long as we hit it just right.” 

Soundtrack composer Kristofer Maddigan noted the hardships many listeners have when trying to complete his magnum opus.

“Honestly, most people have a difficult time even getting through the version even on Spotify,” Maddigan said. “These carefully assembled throwback compositions are a huge change of scenery compared to more modern synth-based gaming soundtracks. But trust me, it’s an incredibly satisfying feeling after you successfully make it through all four records of the anthology. All you have to do is spend hours upon hours racking your brain around it and just power through. The constant frustration and disappointment is all part of the magic of the Cuphead soundtrack.”

After several hundred more unsuccessful attempts, Linestown gave up and switched his record player to the Stardew Valley soundtrack to unwind.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Huge Film Buff Hasn’t Enjoyed One in Eight Years

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Sources have confirmed that Lance Pendleton, a film major who describes cinema as his singular passion, has not enjoyed a viewing of a movie in nearly a decade. 

“It’s too bad 99.9 percent of the thing that brings me more joy in the world than anything else is such shit,” said Pendleton. “And the worst part is that this isn’t just some recent trend. No, I’m afraid that films, the thing I have devoted my heart and soul to, are just a bunch of crap with one or two good ones a decade, if we’re lucky.”

Pendleton revealed that no cinematic collaboration has been worthy of his viewing since 2012’s Armour, Michael Haneke’s Palme d’Or winning meditation on love, aging, and responsibility, and that even that had its flaws. Several film scholars have corroborated Pendelton’s assessment regarding the overall state of global cinema. 

“It’s true, you can look it up,” said famed film historian Gates McGown. “There have been exactly 18 good movies produced since the invention of the medium. It is irrefutable. However, I must assert that if Mr. Pendleton includes Armour on that list of 18, well then he’s clearly a simpleton that needs to  take his ass back to Blockbuster Video and rent Bad Boys 3. That is not one of the good ones.”

Despite receiving no apparent joy through the majority of his interactions with the format, Pendleton stated that he would continue devoting his time to researching and viewing films that were certain to elicit a negative reaction from him. 

“I sure do miss going to The [New] Beverly [Cinema] every single night, just to see what kind of bullshit they’re screening,” he said, of the recent Covid-19 inspired stay at home orders. “It’ll be nice when we get back to normal and I can let my unhealthy fixation on a hobby that infuriates me form the toxic core of my personality.”

As of press time, Pendleton says he is going to start collecting stamps, which he “fucking hates.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Millions of Americans Struggle to Get Hand Washing Temperature “Just Right”

Posted on by Gregg Gethard

GLENSIDE, Penn. — A new report from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention states that a majority of American’s are still battling to find the exact right water temperature for washing their hands during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“Before the outbreak, a lot of citizens were just not used to washing their hands so much: they might handle some raw chicken, and then splash some cold water around for a second before drying off their hands on their pants,” said CDC spokesperson Angela Eng. “Now many of them are using soap and hot water for the first time ever. Finding just the right temperature is a delicate dance, but we have faith that the American people will persevere and find the ‘sweet spot.’ The amount of people who never washed their hands before this is alarming.”

“I have a dentist friend who privately admitted he hopes the next outbreak requires people to actually brush their teeth twice a day, instead of once every few days for like, 10 seconds,” Eng added.

Local actuary Daniel McMurray admitted his hands are in rough shape from the harsh changes.

“I’m trying to adhere to the guidelines issued by experts like Dr. Anthony Fauci and wash my hands for at least 20 seconds several times a day,” said the 39-year-old. “But I’ll turn on the water, and at first, it’s way too hot and my hands will feel like they’re soaking in battery acid. And then I’ll adjust the water temperature, and it becomes sub-arctic. All I know now is that my hands are so dry, my knuckles start bleeding any time I reach into my pocket.”

Despite the obvious health benefits of frequent handwashing, a group calling themselves Dirty Palm Patriots rallied against CDC hygiene recommendations.

“This is the textbook definition of tyranny. If the government can force you to wash the gunk off your hands and from under your fingernails, there is no limit to what they can force us to do,” said DPP leader Darrel Blunk. “I make sure that every time I leave my house, I touch as many surfaces as possible, just to show the government that the people are actually in charge. I won’t wash my hands again until they remove Obama from the list of presidents.”

The CDC is expected to offer more personal hygiene guidelines later this week, with many hoping they will clarify whether people can pee in the shower or not.

Parents Blame Poorly-Made Video Games For Son’s Annoying, Glitchy Outbursts

Posted on by Grant Mulitz

TRENTON, N.J. — Claiming their child hasn’t been the same since he started gaming, concerned parents Mark and Liza Kristensen are blaming poorly-made, badly-reviewed video games for their son Lucas’ boring, glitch-ridden behavioral issues.

“Before he started playing those horrible games, he loved going outside, playing with his dog, reading books, stuff you love to see as a parent” said Liza. “But after we got him a PS4 and Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5 for his birthday, he’s been different. Now he just jitters rapidly and falls straight through the floor most days, unable to escape the endless skybox beneath our house.”

Lucas’ problems don’t stop at clipping through the ground. His parents also noticed their son’s frame rate has dropped significantly since he started playing more laggy video games, at some points freezing him entirely and corrupting his saved memory.

“We need to reset our son at least once a week now,” his father added. “We’re thinking of taking him to this specialist that swears he can patch him, but I don’t know, it just sounds so dangerous.”

According to studies conducted by the American Psychological Association, hastily-developed video games have been scientifically linked to glitchy behavior in adolescents.

“Children that play these kinds of broken, hacked-together games are more susceptible to rendering malfunctions, faulty collision detection, and are overall less likely to adhere to realistic laws of physics“ said Christine LeGuille, a sociology professor at the University of Maryland. “However, some studies may fail to take into account whether the children were predisposed to defective gaming mechanics in the first place.”

While Lucas’ parents are still trying to calm their son’s more aggressive technical defects, they are thankful that at least he isn’t playing enjoyable, well-made games that have guns in them.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: Maybe It’s Simpler to Have a Term for When We Aren’t in a Recession

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

Given that we’ve been in some sort of recession or another ever since I’ve been old enough to know the word “republican,” it’s time we stop talking about recessions as some sort of novel event. It’s goofy to keep saying things like, “Oh, okay yeah now we are in a recession. What we were in before was, like, a baby societal collapse, but this is the real thing.” At this point, it’s simply easier to assume that recession is the default and come up with terminology to describe the incredibly rare times where America’s balls are not feeling the vice grip of economic turmoil.

Instead of constantly telling us we’re in a recession, we should instead mention what day of the week it is. If you tell me, “Today is Tuesday,” I can read between the lines and understand what you’re really saying is, “Today is Tuesday and we’re inching ever closer to global implosion and the deaths of millions of innocents.” That’s a given.

What we need is a term for when we aren’t in a recession. Say, if whenever we find a day or two where the world isn’t actively on fire, news outlets could run a headline with like, “World Experiencing A ‘Not Recession.'” Obviously, the headline would be better than that but you get the picture. Let the eggheads at CNN handle it.

I’m sure back in the twentieth century when we could boost the economy real quick by instigating a world war, it was much safer to assume things were good and recessions were rare. Unfortunately, things have changed. Now we fight wars against drugs and terror but apparently locking up a bunch of brown people doesn’t inspire the same level of economic growth.

Let’s all commit right now to stop acting like it’s some magical, mysterious thing whenever we enter into a recession, and instead commit to coming up with a term for when things are even marginally good. Like maybe we call it a… Baby Boom? Definitely not. Nothing good has ever come from one of those.

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