Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Untitled Goose Game, Portal 2, and Pokemon Go?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

Here’s a tip: never read about the war crimes allied troops committed in World War 2. Trust me, it’s a long, depressing rabbit hole that will make you question the idea of “good guys.” In that same dispiriting spirit, it’s once again time to turn to video games to see if our favorite protagonists deserve life in prison. This week’s collection of Geneva Convention violations (and beyond) is a sobering reminder of just how much we have normalized war crimes in our daily gaming lives. Honk. 

Terrorizing small town residents in Untitled Goose Game may feel like harmless avian hijinks, but that is far from the case. Each Geneva Convention contains a ruling on conflicts of a non international nature, which addresses this directly: “Persons taking no active part in the hostilities… shall in all circumstances be treated humanely.” But luckily, the “honk” is safe, as auditory torture is allowed thanks to a decision by the US Government made in response to its own tactics in Guantanmo Bay.

“Protect the medic!” isn’t just a good team strategy; it’s the law. Article 19 of the 1st Geneva Convention establishes protections for mobile medical units and says that they “may in no circumstances be attacked, but shall at all times be respected and protected by the Parties to the conflict.” The rules get a little dicey if the Mercy in question decides to fire her gun, but any support player who isn’t focusing on heals admittedly deserves it.

We had to dig deep to find a way that Portal 2 allows players to violate war crimes. While it appears to be safe from the Geneva Conventions, it turns out it violates the lesser known Outer Space Treaty of 1967. If that sounds far fetched, then I have some bad news for you: “The moon and other celestial bodies shall be used by all States Parties to the Treaty exclusively for peaceful purposes.” Under this ruling, the entire Star Wars franchise can also be classified as criminal.

The Pokemon series is a nightmare for the 3rd Geneva Convention, which deals with prisoners. We’ll need time to find all of them, but let’s start with the most basic. The very use of a Pokeball violates article 21, which generally prohibits restricting a prisoner’s liberty of movement. While fans have spent decades trying to find a loophole to this, it doesn’t change the fact that your captured Pokemon are stuffed into tiny, round cages. Gotta catch ‘em all? Not like that, bucko.

Jesus Christ.

We Asked 5 Rush Fans “Why Though?”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It was a pretty sad day when Neil Peart died. I mean, not for me, but for a lot of hardcore Rush fans out there it was. After Neil’s unfortunate passing, it was heartwarming to see the music world gracefully memorialize him as well as opportunistically exploit his death for some well-timed twitter engagement and SEO traffic.

To some, Rush is the greatest band of all time. We don’t quite get it, so we took to the streets to ask five guys in Rush t-shirts, “why though?” Here’s what they had to say:

I can’t think of a more legendary trio in music history than Geddy Lee, Neil Peart, and that other guy. Together they’ve written iconic songs that have been seamlessly repurposed for the most epic TV commercials of our generation. Need I say more?
Paul Websterson, Exotic Fish Retailer

Neil Peart is the reason I’ve played drums off-and-on for the last 30 years. The man is a percussive god. In fact, his unexpected passing inspired me to dust off the old drum set. That’s the kind of influence Neil had on the world. However, I’ve since gotten bored like I always do and put the kit back in my closet, but for a brief moment in time it was nice to almost feel alive again musically.
Jerry Sanderburg, Math Teacher

You have to admire a band that’s been together for almost 50 years with 19 studio albums. I’ve never actually purchased one of their albums myself because I illegally downloaded their entire catalog from Limewire back in the day, but that’s besides the point. They fucking slap no matter whether your version of “Tom Sawyer” is on full-priced vinyl, cheap thrift shop cassette, or free m4a. You just can’t put a price on Rush.
Martin Broggure, Unemployed

Three reasons: Y, Y, Z. Also, I’ve seen them live 28 times and 37 if you count the Rush planetarium laser shows. Too bad Neil’s death will probably put an end to seeing them in person. Unless they start using a hologram Neil Peart in which case you can just take my money now, Rush. My kids’ college funds can wait.
Erik Protegrey, Substance Abuse Counselor

There is literally nothing like the sound of Geddy Lee’s piercing voice. He’s like one of those Siren characters from Homer’s Odyssey. I simply cannot resist. You try singing like an alluring mythological mermaid while playing bass. I bet you can’t.
Henry Permeantre, Van Owner

Mighty Mighty Bosstones to Reopen Without Horn Section

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

BOSTON — Ska legends The Mighty Mighty Bosstones announced today that they will reopen for business this week at 50% capacity by furloughing their horn section.

“Look, we did our part to flatten the curve, and we just really need to get back to work,” said lead singer Dicky Barrett on their plan to play a short run of shows in the coming weeks. “We hope to bring the rest of the band with us as soon as officials say it’s safe again. We were told by health experts that one trombone can launch saliva 350 feet, and we just can’t put our fans at risk. We will also be installing personal ‘skank pods’ at every show so people can dance responsibly.”

Though some fear it is too soon for any kind of live performances to safely resume, others think the paranoia surrounding the issue is overblown.

“It’s time for America to get pits back up and running again. These half measures are just typical displays of government overreach. Let’s be honest — The Bosstones without the horns are like Van Halen without guitars — it just doesn’t work,” said Jared Mott, a Mighty Mighty Bosstones fan recently ruled an essential employee. “I’ve read on a few different Reddit pages that this virus was created by China to stop a fourth wave of ska from taking hold. It makes a lot of sense, if you think about it.”

The band’s brassless arrangement adheres to recommendations set out by the CDC earlier this week regarding any rock’n’roll bands resuming live performances.

“We’re merely advising people on what we think is best. Everything needs to be handled on a scene-by-scene basis,” said Dr. Eugene Frimaldi. “I understand there’s a need to go back to work and resume our normal lives, but I think we have to start asking some questions about the future of ska music. Are we ever going to feel comfortable seeing a dozen people crammed on a little stage ever again? It’s hard to say. We also laid out guidelines for metal bands to limit their guitar changes to 12 per set, which might be impossible, but we need to try anything we can to get ahead of this.”

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones hope to have their horn section return in early 2021, with no plans yet revealed for that guy who just dances around up there.

Photo by Dig Boston.

Man Only Watches Anime for the Food

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SYOSSET, N.Y. — Self-described otaku Eric Campbell admitted recently that he only watches anime for their delicious depictions of food, sources confirmed. 

“I can’t tell you the difference between the work of Miyazaki and Toriyama, but I can rank those delicious steaming bowls of ramen, plump dumplings, and glistening pieces of roast meat all day long,” said Campbell. “I don’t care about dubs versus subs either because I usually just watch it muted anyway. I have no idea what the plot of Food Wars! could possibly be because I just fast forward to the scenes where the chef characters actually cook. I can’t watch too much at a time, either, or else I get a craving to drive to a Japanese restaurant in the city for dinner.”

Campbell’s friends have also realized that his fanaticism for the genre only extends to the culinary arts.

“All of Eric’s profile pics are of anime, so I asked him to recommend some to me and he couldn’t,” said friend Sophie Parks. “He just kept recommending random episodes of different series, and not even the full episodes, just specific timestamps. That isn’t very helpful. Then he went on a long impassioned rant about how the gyoza in Sweetness and Lightning is the best looking gyoza in anime, but again he had no idea what the actual plot was. Crap, now I’m hungry for gyoza!”

However, Japanese animators say they are grateful for devoted anime food fans such as Campbell.

“Most people talk about the moral dilemmas and philosophical musings presented by anime,” said Death Note creator Tetsurô Araki. “But very few viewers take the time to admire the detail we put into all the food that Light, Ryuk, and L eat during the show. Hundreds of animator hours went into all those cakes, sweets, and fruit. I am glad to know someone appreciated it. We owe everything to our hyper-obsessive fans.”

At press time, Campbell was just beginning to watch Penguindrum after hearing about its authentic portrayal of Japanese curry rice.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Amazon “Employee of the Month” Awarded Posthumously

Posted on by Jon Wood

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — Recently deceased Amazon warehouse worker Freddie Romero was named “Employee of the Month” yesterday for his tireless work ethic and refusing to call in sick despite a positive COVID-19 diagnosis, company officials confirmed.

“All the managers here loved Freddie. Anytime there was even a whisper about unionizing, he’d run directly to them and start naming names. He wanted this award so fucking bad because it means you get an extra five minutes on your lunch break for an entire week,” said co-worker Jenn McDonough. “And he would always thank our bosses for not giving us any PPE because, as he would say, ‘God protects real Americans.’ He probably infected half the workers here with coronavirus — that’s just another reason he got the award.”

Shift supervisor Craig Larson conferred the posthumous recognition on Romero, sharing several heartfelt anecdotes about the honoree.

“Freddie was a generous soul who touched everyone he worked with, literally — that warehouse is like a goddamn ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ orgy, except nobody’s wearing a mask,” said Larson. “Freddie loved his co-workers, Freddie loved his family… but most of all, Freddie loved our fearless leader and hero, Jeff Bezos. Without Mr. Bezos, none of us would have the honor of dying while serving our country by processing returns on Baby Yoda plush toys. Next month, any of us could also get this award, as long as we don’t talk to the media about our working conditions and we volunteer for extra unpaid shifts.”

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos made an unscheduled virtual appearance to recognize the contributions of Romero and the over 500,000 essential workers in his employ.

“According to the biometric and productivity reports I’ve reviewed, Mr. Romero was a model employee. His selfless commitment serves as both an inspiration and a willful pattern that absolves Amazon of any legal liability,” said Bezos. “And to those who knew Freddie best, I would just like to say that if that dead asshole hasn’t already reimbursed us for the $35 ceremonial plaque, then I want it back. Absolutely do not let him be buried with it. Now, please — everyone get back to work. This address counts as a bathroom break, so I don’t want to see any more of you off the floor for the rest of the day.”

Romero is survived by his wife, Crystal, and their two children — none of whom are expected to survive their advanced COVID-19 symptoms.

This $1250 Security Deposit Probably Not Worth 45 Minutes of Cleaning

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Anyone who has ever rented property before knows full well that the whole system is rigged to screw over tenants. The biggest ripoff of all, of course, is the security deposit. That’s why I am refusing to help clean. I will not be another pawn in this predatory game. Also, I’m kinda sleepy and I’m pretty sure this $1250 deposit isn’t worth the 45 minutes of cleaning my roommates keep desperately asking me to do.

This is a tough decision because on one hand my share of the deposit could pay off a good chunk of my credit card. On the other hand, my time is pretty valuable too. Best Buy values my time at almost $10 an hour so I think that makes the two about even. Plus, Unsolved Mysteries is on Prime now and this bowl isn’t gonna smoke itself.

When you really think about it, would we even be getting our $1250 back? When you consider the inflation that likely occurred since we signed the lease 11 months and 3 weeks ago, it’s more like $975 at best. And in the “45 minutes it would take to clean this place if we ALL pitched in,” the economy will probably inflate some more and it’ll be closer to $974.50. I will not be a part of your system. Because my system involves pretzels and sitting on the couch my roommates are struggling to move.

I’ll admit, Mrs. Gorski was a top notch landlord and is a sweet lady that frequently brought us fresh baked muffins. And sure, she flat out told us that if we just tidy up a little before leaving she’ll give us our security deposit back in full. But anyone who honestly believes a word out of a greedy slumlord’s mouth is a goddamn fool. Let’s lynch the landlord!

My gullible roommates can clean up if they want but I’m not helping. It’s the principle of the thing. Which principle you may ask? I dunno, how ’bout the principle of “cleaning totally sucks ass and I don’t wanna do it.” Unless anyone has Adderall. If so I’ll do this whole fucking thing myself in 30 seconds flat.

Nerd Trapped In Gym Over Quarantine Fucking Huge Now

Posted on by Zach Russell

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Lifelong nerd Nate Guajardo emerged from a local Planet Fitness facility today “beefed out as fuck” after being trapped inside the gym for two months due to coronavirus quarantine guidelines, blushing sources confirmed.

“Frankly, we were shocked to find him alive, let alone unrepentantly yoked,” Planet Fitness Director of Programming Ashley Moore said upon reviewing the facility’s security footage. “What’s truly amazing is how [Guajardo] fueled his monstrous gains using only junk from the vending machines — we’re talking triple-digit Honey Buns and thousands of Little Bites mini-muffins, half of which would kill you or I. R&D has hypothesized that his basement-dweller diet, which already consisted of mostly synthetic pastries, primed his body to thrive in this captivity environment.”

“Thanks to Nate, we’re developing similar programs to help us fully saturate the nebbish weakling market,” she added.

Guajardo seemed satisfied with the changes in his appearance.

“Some kinda silver lining, huh!? There’s a new Geralt of Rivia in town, and his name is Nathan,” said the bonafide dork while flexing his 22-inch biceps as he powerfully wielded a metaphorical sword against his many bullies. “Apparently there was an announcement about closing the gym indefinitely because of some nasty cold going around, but I was too focused on my Switch to notice. Once I realized I was stuck, I took a good, hard look at the jacked avatars I’d been controlling and asked, ‘Why not me?’ I reframed weightlifting as grinding, and now I can legit smash a crate just by dive-rolling at it.”

Initially encouraged that her son’s new physique would improve his love life, Nate’s mother Sheri Guajardo sadly realized his personality is the same.

“We were hopeful Nate’s glow-up meant we’d see some grandkids in the not-too-distant future,” Mrs. Guajardo said with a sigh. “Certainly there’s more interest, but Nate just stays downstairs rearranging his Godzilla toys, every now and then surfacing to lift weights in the garage to that song that goes, ‘Wake me up, wake me up inside.’ Seems she’s the only woman he likes…”

At press time, Guajardo was reportedly mixing red Mountain Dew into his pre-workout routine to sharpen his focus for a no-death Souls run.

Coronavirus Experiences Double-XP Weekend in Re-Opened States

Posted on by Dan Tomascik

ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are confirming that, following several states’ pushes to reopen, the coronavirus has experienced a Double-XP Weekend.

“And not just any Double-XP Weekend,” clarified Maria Keyes, scientist at the CDC’s headquarters in Atlanta, “It was a free weekend, too. Typically a disease like this has to grind in bus stops and visits to 7-Eleven for months to get any serious bonuses or modifiers, but recent governors’ orders across the country have shot it to the top of the leaderboard in two weeks.”

Amid growing political divide concerning the seriousness of the virus, the CDC confirmed that COVID-19’s K/D is growing higher on certain maps and modes previously available to premium diseases only. “Barbershops at Manitowoc, WI” and “Beaches at Corpus Christi,” once only places for the common cold and flu, are now routinely bombarded by the [CVID] clan tag.

“People often forget that the Spanish Flu prestiged three times before it stopped competing,” Keyes elaborated. “If they could see with their eyes how exclusive the banners and decals this virus has, they’d know to stop entering the lobby – or any lobby at all, really.”

Many citizens, wary of their own level, remained campers during the Double-XP Weekend. Still others ran to their state capitals to convince their governors to hit “X” and start the game already.

“This is absolute tyranny,” argued Duke Kimberly, with a group protesting his state’s lockdown in Lansing, Mich., “As an American, I should be able to access all map packs and game modes no matter what weekend it is. No matter what platform I’m playing. The virus clearly has some auto-aim hacks enabled, so the anti-cheat should ban it eventually anyway!!”

In the aftermath of the weekend’s events, sources say that the virus’s streak could have been avoided if not for a dangerous rumor that, since it originated in China, it could only be encountered while going out at 3 A.M.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Quarantined Ken Burns Finally Has Enough Time to Get Around to Watching Ken Burns’ ‘The Civil War’

Posted on by Collin Brown

WALPOLE, N.H. — Finding himself with much more free time while social distancing, award-winning documentarian Ken Burns has finally found enough free time to watch his acclaimed Emmy-winning documentary, The Civil War, sources confirmed.

“I know most people might find it hard to believe, but I’ve never actually had the time to sit down and watch this one after I made it,” said Burns, dusting off his original VHS box set of the series before finally opening the factory shrinkwrap it came in. “Being a documentarian is hard work and you don’t have a lot of time to stop and relax. By the time I finished making [The Civil War] I had to start on my next piece, but I’m actually really excited to finally get to sit down and watch it. I’ve heard some really good things about it from my dad.”

Burns’s family say that although it’s nice to have him at home all the time, they are concerned that he might become overly fixated on his work.

“I guess it’s nice that he has an appreciation for something he made himself, but there’s a good chance he’ll dig into Baseball once he’s finished with The Civil War, and then I think there won’t be any going back. He has this habit of getting fixated on things and then just focusing on them for a really long time. Where do you think he got the idea for the Ken Burns effect from?”

At press time, Burns was shocked after finally opening the VHS box set.

“Jesus, how many tapes is this thing? Nine? Who ever had the time to watch this before now?”

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

HBO Execs Convinced to Release Snyder Cut After Realizing All Their Mothers’ Names Are Martha

Posted on by Jacques Mouledoux

BURBANK, Calif. — Top HBO executives became convinced to release the famous “Snyder Cut” of 2017’s Justice League after realizing at a recent board meeting that all of their mothers are named Martha, sources at the meeting confirmed.

“When Katie Soo casually remarked, in regards to Justice League’s commercial failure, that her mother Martha would always say to let sleeping dogs lie, it sent shockwaves through the room,” said HBO Chief Content Officer Kevin Reilly. “I had never seriously considered releasing Zack Snyder’s incomplete edit of the film, but after we one by one revealed that each of our mothers were also named Martha, I ordered post-production to begin immediately.”

According to multiple sources, discovering that all their mothers shared the same name caused such a stir that several board members completely dissociated from reality. 

“I suddenly found myself in a grim, oversaturated graveyard at night. I was holding a handful of cheap flowers and staring at my mother’s tombstone,” said Executive Vice-President Michael Quigley. “I didn’t know how I got there; I only knew that it was worth spending twenty million dollars to let Zack Snyder complete his original vision for Justice League.” 

Senior Vice-President Katie Soo, who sparked the table-wide epiphany, was as blown away as anyone.

“I was shocked, inspired, and growling ‘Martha’ over and over again in an unnaturally deep voice. It was like my life before this revelation had all been lies, chief among them that Joss Whedon hadn’t completely ruined Snyder’s film.”

At press time, the board members were in the process of approving the budget for a completely overhauled final season of Game of Thrones after realizing that they all love Dr. Pepper.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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