STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — Recently deceased Amazon warehouse worker Freddie Romero was named “Employee of the Month” yesterday for his tireless work ethic and refusing to call in sick despite a positive COVID-19 diagnosis, company officials confirmed.
“All the managers here loved Freddie. Anytime there was even a whisper about unionizing, he’d run directly to them and start naming names. He wanted this award so fucking bad because it means you get an extra five minutes on your lunch break for an entire week,” said co-worker Jenn McDonough. “And he would always thank our bosses for not giving us any PPE because, as he would say, ‘God protects real Americans.’ He probably infected half the workers here with coronavirus — that’s just another reason he got the award.”
Shift supervisor Craig Larson conferred the posthumous recognition on Romero, sharing several heartfelt anecdotes about the honoree.
“Freddie was a generous soul who touched everyone he worked with, literally — that warehouse is like a goddamn ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ orgy, except nobody’s wearing a mask,” said Larson. “Freddie loved his co-workers, Freddie loved his family… but most of all, Freddie loved our fearless leader and hero, Jeff Bezos. Without Mr. Bezos, none of us would have the honor of dying while serving our country by processing returns on Baby Yoda plush toys. Next month, any of us could also get this award, as long as we don’t talk to the media about our working conditions and we volunteer for extra unpaid shifts.”
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos made an unscheduled virtual appearance to recognize the contributions of Romero and the over 500,000 essential workers in his employ.
“According to the biometric and productivity reports I’ve reviewed, Mr. Romero was a model employee. His selfless commitment serves as both an inspiration and a willful pattern that absolves Amazon of any legal liability,” said Bezos. “And to those who knew Freddie best, I would just like to say that if that dead asshole hasn’t already reimbursed us for the $35 ceremonial plaque, then I want it back. Absolutely do not let him be buried with it. Now, please — everyone get back to work. This address counts as a bathroom break, so I don’t want to see any more of you off the floor for the rest of the day.”
Romero is survived by his wife, Crystal, and their two children — none of whom are expected to survive their advanced COVID-19 symptoms.