7 Refreshing Summer Cocktails That Say “I’ve Been Arrested Shirtless Before”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

It’s the worst, sweatiest part of summer, which means that your backyard drinks need to get breezier, more refreshing, and more reflective of the fact that you have been violently detained by the police while shirtless multiple times before.

This summer, you don’t have to resign yourself to lukewarm Miller High Life and as much cheap-ass vodka as you can snag from your neighbors’ house while pretending you desperately need to come over to use the bathroom because yours has been all “worked over.” Sip these bad boys and let everyone know you’re not scared of the police or showing off your torso!

1. “Water” Melon Daiquiri

When the weather’s hot, nothing beats a cool blended daiquiri, the kind you can really chuck at a neighbor’s head in a poolside argument over what constitutes a medium-rare New York strip that goes too far! The key to this one is that the “water” melon part of this classic mix of rum, lime juice, and raw sugar is actually vodka. No one will know until you rip your shirt off and the cops are called.

2. Tom Collins Junior

Ah, one of the first truly American cocktails: the Tom Collins. The beautifully balanced mix of gin, lemon, soda, and simple syrup instantly becomes a Tom Collins Junior when you have more than four of them at the block party down the street from your neighbor’s house and let everyone know you’re Mother’s beautiful little boy, and beautiful little boys don’t wear shirts if they don’t want to.

3. Thai Basil Slammer

What’s summer without a little spice?! The key to this wickedly delicious mixed shot of gin muddled with Thai basil, seedless cucumber, and prik kee noo peppers is slamming it back hard as the setting summer burns into your eyes. The stupid shocked faces of the people at this YMCA singles mixer that you stumbled into after the block party are telling you someone needs to fight, and Sensei Ryan has always told you that shirts impede your kata and everything goes black and then… sirens! The perfect slammer.

4. Aperol Slugged Straight from the Bottle

Once you get out of the drunk tank and have been informed that you are no longer allowed back at the YMCA even to use the pool, there’s nothing more refreshing than the bitter digestif swigged straight from the bottle. Sure, it’s not ”technically” a cocktail, but we’ll give you this one if you can keep your shirt on for a minute.

5. Old-Fashioned Fight with Your Dad

Knock-knock! Don Draper at the door, he wants his trademark Canadian Club Old-Fashioned back! Just kidding, it’s your dad relaxing at home with a nice summer cocktail made from muddled whiskey, sugar, orange, and the piece de resistance, a cocktail cherry! You’re finally ready to show him you’re a man, and he can’t push you around anymore. C’mon, OLD MAN, GET THAT SHIRT OFF AND FIGHT!

6. Ice Cubes the Dog Missed During the Fight

Okay, your dad still has a wicked left hook, and he’s called the cops, time to move. Grab a couple of the fallen ice cubes from his old-fashioned before the dog gets them, they’ll still have some booze you can suck off.

Quick, duck into this abandoned building.

7. I’m Not Afraid of the Policetini

If there’s one cocktail we all swear by in the summer, it’s the I’m Not Afraid of the Policetini! Simply mix every kind of alcohol you can in a pint glass and let those fucking pigs with sirens out there that you will never put on a shirt, and they’re going to have to kill you if they don’t want to see your nipples!

Cheers!

Nonconformist’s Battle Vest Made up of Only Sleeves

Posted on by Sara Božin

CHICAGO — Local punk and nonconformist Don Michaelson is reportedly strutting around town showing off an alternative vest that is made up entirely of sleeves, puzzled sources confirmed.

“I used to be a part of the local punk scene, but I left because the scene was filled with sheep just going with the flow,” explained Michaelson. “It was awful: people were listening to the same music, wearing similar clothes, and generally enjoying themselves in a way that insulted me personally. Sure, I also love all of the same things that they did, but I had to take a stand against those posers on principle. First I came up with the reverse Mohawk by shaving a single stripe down my head, but no one got it. They just assumed I accidentally set the clippers to the wrong setting. After that, I knew I had to push the boundaries of my art even further. So I created the anti-vest. I didn’t do it for attention, but I was really hoping more people would ask me about it.”

However, Michaelson’s girlfriend Kathryn Cooperman feels differently about his creation.

“At least these were slightly better than his cutoff shorts that consisted only of the portion of the jeans below the knee,” said Cooperman. “Going out in public with him is so difficult now. Whenever someone makes a passing comment about those damn sleeves, he spends forty minutes explaining to them how brilliant he thinks they are. Not only that, but Chicago gets really cold in the winter. Last January, he refused to wear any outerwear other than the sleeves and there were at least two occasions where his nipples started bleeding. I was seriously worried he would end up with hypothermia.”

Denim historian Dr. Levi Goodman weighed in on the significance of the anti-vest and what it could potentially represent.

“This garment has raised many questions that still remain unanswered within my field,” said Goodman. “If Michaelson has created a garment that rebels against the alternative fashion of an already nonconformist subculture, does that technically make the anti-vest conformist? If you stack two nonconformist fashion choices on top of each other, do they cancel each other out? Does any of that even make sense? I’ve spent days reviewing the literature and I still don’t know what it means.”

At press time, Michaelson had plans to ditch the sleeves and “become the vest” by gluing patches directly to his skin.

50 Girl Scout Cookies Ranked By How Well Glenn Danzig Could Sell Them

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Glenn Danzig is known for a lot of things. He’s the legendary singer of the Misfits and other bands, he loves old horror movies, and he recently signed up for the Girl Scouts of the USA, so he has to unload a ton of cookies in a short period of time. To help him, we’ve decided to rank 50 Girl Scout cookies by how well he could sell them.

50. Raspberry Rally

These cookies are Thin Mints but with raspberry. Thin Mints are the real deal. Raspberry Rally is like the Graves-era version of it.

49. Dulce de Leche

Dulce de Leche is Spanish for “sweet (made) of milk.” Only Glenn will tell people it’s French for “caramel of the leeches.” This will slightly pique the interest of Jerry Only, but not enough to buy any.

48. Golden Yangles

These aren’t even cookies. They’re triangular cheddar crackers. What the fuck, Girl Scouts? Get your shit together.

47. Pinatas

Pinatas look like pure chaos. They’re oatmeal-based accompanied by a fruit filling topped with a cinnamon and sugar glaze that seems to be drizzled on without rhyme or reason. Glenn won’t be able to memorize all of these features and will choke under pressure when asked follow-up questions.

46. Lemonades

Lemonades are shortbread cookies with lemon icing. If you’re into lemon-flavored treats then this is your holy grail. But if you’re a normal person you’re probably passing on these.

45. Toast-Yay

While these cookies may look delicious on the surface, Glenn is going to rattle off the ingredients in his sales pitch for some reason and blow the whole thing. No one wants to know that these cookies contain something called monocalcium phosphate.

44. Caramel Chocolate Chip

Glenn would pronounce these as “car-mel” instead of “care-a-mel” and no customer could get past that.

43. Aloha Chips

Aloha Chips had white chocolate in them. Glenn doesn’t know how to sell anything that isn’t the color black. This one will be a real struggle for him.

42. Granola

If you were in the woods and found one of these on the ground, you might think they were bear turds before they were a dessert or late-night snack. Can’t blame Glenn for this one.

41. Medallions

Medallions were introduced to the world in the early ‘80s. This will make Glenn reminisce about his time with Samhain. No one will know what he’s talking about because the Venn Diagram of people who listen to Samhain and people who consume Girl Scout cookies is just two separate circles.

40. Thanks-A-Lot

These cookies have a little “thank you” note imprinted on top of them. Glenn is not a fan of foods with words. This will be evident during his sales pitch.

39. Trail Mix

This one will throw Glenn for a curveball when it’s time to sell someone on them. After all, he practiced his sales pitches in the mirror with traditional cookies as his main focus. This will be harder than he thought.

38. Girl Scout S’mores

Girl Scout S’mores are like regular s’mores only these say their name on them. Glenn believes this is a distraction and that when it’s snack time, it’s not read time. Danzig has a policy to never mix and match these activities.

37. Animal Treasures

These cookies had various animals imprinted on them. Glenn would sell them as a “sugary meat substitute” and turn off potential consumers.

36. Scot-Teas

Glenn would get hung up on the name of this one. He isn’t sure whether to emphasize the “Scot” part or the “Tea” part and there isn’t anything about it in the Girl Scouts pamphlet he received beforehand. Not even an FAQ or anything.

35. Chocolate Chip Shortbread

These little bite-sized cookies are gluten free. Glenn doesn’t really know what that means for sure, but he has a plan to act like he does. It will soon blow up in his face when he mentions that these cookies do not contain gluteal tissue from a horse. He is technically correct about that part.

34. Rah-Rah Raisins

Cookies with raisins are like pineapple on pizza. Sure, you are technically allowed to eat that, but have you even considered chocolate chips on your pizza slice?

33. Little Brownies

Little Brownies are free from sugar. Finally, a brownie that doesn’t taste like one.

32. Savannah Smiles

These are lemon wedges coated in powdered sugar. Glenn wouldn’t know where to start with these ones. Instead, he’ll talk shit about Jerry Only for a few minutes before asking how many boxes he should put you down for.

31. Apple Cinnamons

Apple Cinnamons are the Apple Jacks of Girl Scout cookies. Yes, they are technically cookies, but in a world with Cap n’ Crunch and Lucky Charms, why would you settle for this one? Tough sell.

30. Praline Royale

Glenn will mainly focus on the “royale” part of Praline Royales. He knows an unexpected amount about Queen Elizabeth now that she’s dead. Danzig will go on to talk about other famous royal figures who are not alive anymore and their potential to turn into aristocratic zombies.

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Woman Celebrates Labor Day With Six Extra Meetings the Next Day

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Software product manager Alanah Tivola “celebrated” Labor Day by dutifully scheduling six meetings for tomorrow that she would have attended today, confirmed hungover sources reviewing their depressing Google Calendars.

“Paying for time off the next day seems kinda ironic for a federal holiday recognizing workers,” Tivola pointed out, dashing off a quick “sorry, triple-booked!” response to two of the three meetings now occupying her lunchtime. “I shouldn’t complain — my job isn’t physically hazardous except for the sexual harassment and the moldy conference room vents. And my health insurance almost covered something once. But seriously, why do we still need the Monday Daily Standup when the Tuesday Daily Standup is two hours later? It’s like some weird boss power move thing.”

Tivola’s boss, 43-year-old co-founder Paul G. Macklin, disagreed and insisted that every rescheduled meeting was essential.

“Unbelievable. This generation complains about everything,” Macklin said, pausing to berate his waitress for adding too many spicy banana peppers to his sandwich. “I give them the whole day off as long as they stay available on Slack. And then they come back and tell me they can’t be at their Monday meetings and Tuesday meetings at the same time. It’s like I told them to work in the mines or something. If you ask me, Labor Day shouldn’t exist. Problem solved.”

According to labor historian Prof. Cam Barbour, the trade unionists credited with creating Labor Day in the late 1800s would probably be stunned to learn that more than 100 years later, many Americans don’t have the day off at all.

“Whether it’s wage theft, states’ dangerous rollback of child labor laws, or tech employees having to sit in funny-looking non-ergonomic chair in a conference room for a pointless ‘weekly touchbase’ that’s just an hour of one guy listening to himself talk, we have a long way to go when it comes to American workers,” Barbour said. “But hopefully people at least enjoyed some decent Labor Day barbecues and then maybe considered unionizing.”

At press time, Macklin had canceled his late-Tuesday 1:1 with Tivola at the last minute due to spotty WiFi coverage at the beach near his Nantucket vacation house.

Every Pig Destroyer Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

It’s a waste of time trying to explain the appeal of grindcore to you—or anyone, for that matter. You get it or you don’t. You’re reading because you’re part of the former. I guess you could be reading this because you’re part of the latter and you just want a reason to leave a snide comment for attention. I can’t speak to the efficacy of that second one because I have hobbies and a social life. Anyhow, Pig Destroyer are a grindcore band. Actually, they’re the grindcore band—yes, better than even Napalm Death. See, PxDx did something ND didn’t or couldn’t: they answered the valuable question, “What if Jeffrey Dahmer were in a band but had the attention span of a fucking moth?” PxDx makes music that delights in being the worst humanity has to offer. So let’s get into the half-dozen grotesqueries they’ve unleashed over the last quarter century.

6. Explosions in Ward 6 (1998)

PxDx’s debut is the essence of grind. The hard stuff, the pure white. 18 songs in 19 minutes. None of that bullshit like catchy riffing or a standard beat or clear production. This is the band at its most unhinged, for better or worse—mostly the latter if you’re into composition or structure or whatever. If you like tumult as your basis for songwriting and Tyler Durden-endorsed lyricism from vocalist J.R. Hayes like “Perhaps self-sabotage is high evolution,” this one’s for you.

Play it again: “Flesh Upon Gear,” maybe….? If you can tell these apart (with the sludgy “Pixie” being the exception), then hit repeat on that one.
Skip it: There’s no intro, so pick one to skip.

5. Head Cage (2018)

If you’re looking to get into Pig Destroyer, start here. Grindcore purists might yell about blasphemies like occasionally intelligible vocals (!) and professional production (!!), things that make “Head Cage” an inviting record and, thus, not worth your time. A seven-minute song with actual structure and memorable riffs? Fuck outta here! We want 28-second chaotic noise! Ignore the purists. This is PxDx’s version of a gateway drug—the way into the hard stuff. It’s also their most political work, with Hayes trading transgressive vignettes for pithy social commentary like, “The clever ways I’ve devised / For dodging confrontation / How I play devil’s advocate / If I want a second opinion.” Despite guitarist Scott Hull’s snappy riffing and sorta-straightforward song compositions, “Head” isn’t watered-down Pig Destroyer. Instead, this top-five album suggests an alternate reality where the grind quintet evolved into a pretty good groove metal band. Take that how you will.

Play it again: “Circle River”
Skip it: “Tunnel Under the Tracks,” a noisecore intro that sets the proper tone, but is nonetheless unnecessary.

4. Prowler in the Yard (2001)

“Prowler” is the band’s most gruesome work, mostly thanks to its cover that snuff film enthusiasts would swoon over. Despite being a superb grindcore record, you’ll need patience for this one, because a handful of songs go past three minutes. “But my ADHD can’t handle that!” you whine. Deal with it. PxDx made an album with actual production values—so, “Explosions” but without the recorded-in-someone’s-colon aesthetic. Here, you’re able to enjoy and/or be punished by the insanity within. Hull and former drummer Brian Harvey make it easier with inventive playing throughout. And while Hayes was still developing as both vocalist and lyricist, “Eyes like cracked egg shells, empty as life” is as striking a line as anything he’s written. As for whether to go for the original or the remixed and remastered version—that depends on whether or not you’re a poser.

Play it again: “Sheet Metal Girl”
Skip it: “Jennifer” for sure. Despite having some arresting prose (“Vanilla ice cream smeared across her double chin like a money shot”), it’s an unnecessary intro read in a robot voice.

3. Phantom Limb (2007)

This was the first Pig Destroyer album to get critical acclaim from Pitchfork. Set that icky fact aside, though. “Phantom Limb” is an excellent grind album. It’s here where they started to play with groove metal riffage and something approaching a chorus. Meanwhile, Hayes’ vocals are psychotically rabid, and he gets to the heart of it in a handful of words: “I don’t have any scars / Only dormant wounds / That crack like fault lines.” Indeed, Hayes’ characters have a looser grip on reality than a QAnon follower. Be careful quoting Hayes’ career-best writing, though: “Your legs look so sexy out of context” works as a stunningly demented poetry submission, but less so as a pickup line.

Play it again: “Thought Crime Spree”
Skip it: “[Untitled Track]”

2. Book Burner (2012)

After “Phantom Limb’s” law-breaking critical success—grindcore isn’t supposed to be liked or covered by normies — Pig Destroyer went back to the grind (sorry) for their outstanding fifth record, “Book Burner.” 19 songs in 32 minutes—in other words: the way it should be. This might be a reaction to the reaction (how meta!), but it was the correct one. Hayes again proved he’s one of the best writers in extreme music, with “Book” featuring several of his best story songs, including one about a serial killer who’s really hands-on, and another about the best brother in history who breaks his sister out of a mental institution. Hull’s best-sounding-demo-ever production is the clearest of the band’s career to this point, making it easy to pick out every aspect of the madness. This is the premier grindcore record of the 2010s, and you’ll only disagree because you haven’t heard it.

Play it again: “Eve”
Skip it: “Totaled”

1. Terrifyer (2004)

PxDx’s finest full-length is perfectly named, and includes Hayes’ most tortured performances. He sounds like his entire body is on fire. When I’m on fire, I’m just yelling for help and rolling around on the ground like an idiot; this dude is reciting beautifully fucked up flash fiction. Hayes filled “Terrifyer” with enough obsession and self-loathing to make Travis Bickle cringe: “When she touches me / It’s like a rodent sifting through garbage / But it’s better than just rotting away.” Additionally, this is PxDx’s first record with clear production. It’s also the first one where the songs don’t all sound alike. There’s, like, actual arrangement to them (with minimal rule-breaking) and neat riffing throughout. It’s almost as if actual compositions make for an engaging listen. What a concept.

Play it again: “Towering Flesh,” featuring some truly unsettling clean guitar, as well as a deeply distressing guitar solo.
Skip it: “Intro” (Notice a pattern?)

How to Maintain Your Mystery Even Though He Discovered the Secret Spot You Wipe Your Boogers

Posted on by Miriam Jayaratna

The worst has happened: your boyfriend used to think of you as his booger-less pixie dream girl, but now he’s found your secret stash and suspects you of being of being a rhinotillexomaniac. Right now you’re probably asking yourself questions like, does he think I’m disgusting? How can I get my feminine power back? And, most importantly, When can I resume picking my nose with impunity?

Not to worry! The situation is still as salvageable as a ripe crop of low-hanging nostril fruit, provided you follow these handy tips:

Find a new wiping location
First things first, you need to rehome your booger collage. Only a dumb criminal returns to the scene of the crusty crime, where your man will no doubt be lying in wait, ready to catch you in the act of mucus reaping. So figure out a fresh snot spot and this time don’t make it something obvious because he’s definitely going to be checking the wall next to your side of the bed and in between the couch cushions. We recommend far-flung locales like the underside of the toilet bowl, the leaves of your houseplants, or if all else fails, a tissue.

Deny, deny, deny
While gaslighting is usually considered toxic relationship behavior, in this instance it’s a vital coping strategy. Blame everyone else you can think of: the sniffling child who was in your apartment that one time for five minutes, your dog with his crusty eyes and preternaturally dexterous paws, even your boyfriend himself while he was in a fugue state.

Remind him that you have three other humours, and he has no idea where you’ve been wiping those
This guy may think he has your number, but there’s so much of you that he has yet to behold. Engage him in a discussion of the Medieval bodily humors and emphasize that phlegm is just one of them. Then murmur in his ear, “no man has ever happened upon my glistening mound of yellow bile, but maybe you’ll get lucky if you stick around.”

Remind him that you have three other humours and he has no idea where you’ve been wiping those
Real talk: this guy may think he has your number, but there’s so much of you that he has yet to behold. Engage him in a discussion of the Medieval bodily humors, and emphasize that phlegm is just one of them. Then murmur in his ear, “no man has ever happened upon my glistening mound of yellow bile, but maybe you’ll get lucky if you stick around.”

And with the help of these suggestions, he’ll likely do just that. Then you can get back to doing what you do best: creating Jackson Pollocks with the contents of your nasal cavities like the incredibly mysterious woman that you are.

Male Loneliness Epidemic Ends After “The Boys Are Back in Town” Played Really, Really Loudly

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy confirmed that the deadly epidemic of male loneliness in America finally ended after an unknown person or persons played Irish rock band Thin Lizzy’s 1976 hit single “The Boys Are Back in Town” really, really super loud.

“For decades, researchers studied the devastating effects of social isolation in middle-aged men,” said Surgeon General Murthy while air-guitaring Thin Lizzy’s distinctive guitar work. “Suicide rates were skyrocketing, while loneliness-related health issues like strokes, heart disease, and dementia were rampant. However, it has been proven that, sufficiently loudly, ‘The Boys Are Back in Town’ acts as a national tonic and caused a bitchin’ party to break out around the country spontaneously. Some say listening to the song has the same psychological benefits as exercise. Antidepressant prescriptions are even down a whopping 80% thanks to it.”

Car rental agent Derek Piven confirmed that his overwhelming sense of isolation and depression had been utterly obliterated by the dual guitar work of Scott Gorham and Brian Robertson and bandleader Phil Lynott’s soulful lyrics.

“Shit was getting really bad,” said Piven. “I had no friends, nothing to come home to after work, not even a dog. I couldn’t even make eye contact with people on the bus that takes me to my shitty job. Thank god someone played ‘The Boys Are Back in Town’ so fucking loud that it made me realize that going out and getting rowdy with all the other men in the country in an aggressive yet non-threatening manner makes life worth living. Hell, I broke a bottle over some guy’s head in a bar, then we did shots together. I’m going to his wedding next week.”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Martha Carter says there is ample historical precedent for Thin Lizzy curing a nation of loneliness.

“There have been a number of Top 40 hits that have magically healed countries when played loud enough,” said Dr. Carter. “For example, the infectious synth line of Depeche Mode’s ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’ started a huge New Wave dance party in the United Kingdom that settled the 1984 coal miners’ strike, while Lady Gaga solved the Great Recession of 2008 by playing ‘Bad Romance’ across a hastily-built nationwide PA system. Really, it’s hard for life to suck when you hear a banger like that super loud.”

As of press time, male loneliness was back on the rise after Elliot Smith’s “Between the Bars” was played really softly.

At the Gates Superfan Surprised to Find Out Band Has Six Other Albums

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

COLUMBIA, S.C. — So-called At the Gates superfan Derek Chaulk was rattled after he discovered the Swedish metal band’s discography includes six other albums outside of “Slaughter of the Soul,” confirmed multiple sources who also just learned this information.

“At first I thought it was a mistake. Maybe it was six reissues of ‘Slaughter of the Soul’ that were remastered or had some demo tracks, or maybe even some live songs. But no, these are all apparently full-length albums,” said Chaulk while glancing at the band’s Spotify page. “I’ve been listening to them since the ‘90s and just assumed they released one perfect metal album and called it a day. The craziest part is that I’ve been the moderator of an At the Gates Reddit page for over a decade and nobody has ever mentioned any of their other releases. I’m looking forward to actually checking some of their other stuff out, but not until I listen to ‘Slaughter of the Soul’ a few hundred more times.”

Frontman Tomas Lindberg says this is a frustration the band has dealt with for decades.

“We had three albums before ‘Slaughter’ and people liked them just fine. Then after 1995 everything changed. Whenever we played something off of ‘The Red in the Sky is Ours’ people assumed we were playing a ‘new one’ and would head to the bathroom,” said Lindberg while mapping out the next “Slaughter of the Soul” anniversary tour. “It’s the real reason we broke up back in 1996. The mental anguish of having all our previous work dismissed was too much to handle. I started to question whether we even had written any other songs, I was losing touch. But nothing has changed, we released two more albums within the last five years and nobody seemed to notice.”

Music historian Ezra Handler believes At the Gates is a metal anomaly.

“With many bands of the genre, you will see fans discuss which albums they love, but they also like to discuss which albums are so bad they want to see the band murdered. Just look at Metallica, their fans love the early stuff, and would rather eat a bucket of puke than listen to anything after 1993,” said Handler. “With At the Gates, they have a fan base that is completely unaware they have other music, so these people can’t actually talk any crap. They just live in quiet bliss headbanging to the same 11 songs, 17 if they bought the reissue with bonus tracks.”

At press time, another diehard Weezer fan was banned from editing the band’s Wikipedia page when all the information about albums released after “Pinkerton” was once again erased.

The Weather Might Be Getting Cooler, But Your Music Taste Isn’t. Fix It By Checking Out What We’re Listening to This Week

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Hans Christian Andersen once said that “where words end, music speaks.” Well, we just got done talking with your audio library, and let’s just say it didn’t ‘speak’ too highly of your taste. You might be upset to hear that your favorite music is openly talking shit about you to strangers, but we recommend taking the feedback as an opportunity to improve. Here are some of our favorite tracks this week that will help you put your music collection in its fucking place. (Listen along to the ever-expanding playlist)

Marnie Stern “Plain Speak”

While you may have seen a steady decline in your motor skills and dexterity over the past ten years, Marnie Stern has only been sharpening hers. Her legendary art-punk guitar theatrics have returned and are set to destroy everything in their path on the new single ‘Plain Speak.’ Along with the excellently disorienting track, Stern has also announced a new LP, ‘The Comeback Kid,’ which is her first since 2013’s ‘The Chronicles of Marnia.’ Although the track’s dizzying production won’t suddenly inject you with the youth you held a decade ago, its overarching theme of moving forward will remind you that it’s never too late to try. Failing that, at least you will have listened to something more recent than your early aughts playlist.

Taking Back Sunday “S’old”

We wouldn’t fault you for thinking Taking Back Sunday is ‘so last summer,’ but considering your recent play history it’s likely you think their debut album literally came out this summer. It’s time to live in the now. TBS has just announced their first album in seven years, ‘152.’ While the lyrical content of their newest single ‘S’old’ warns listeners about their inevitable aging process, the band, with their newly synth-driven and dynamic arrangements, has never sounded fresher. If you want to hold a similar designation when an ill-advised friend hands you the aux cord, you should consider keeping this one in the rotation.

Katy Kirby “Cubic Zirconia”

Nashville’s Katy Kirby just released her first single since her widely acclaimed 2021 debut album ‘Cool Dry Place.’ ‘Cubic Zirconia’ is a gorgeous and endearing slice of indie-rock heaven, and it espouses the accouterments and aesthetic choices of a fresh love interest. Though Kirby’s conversational singing style will make you feel like the direct subject of the song, a quick glance in the mirror will provide the reality check needed to appreciate the song from a proper outside perspective.

Jeff Rosenstock “FUTURE IS DUMB”

‘HELLMODE’ is finally here, and holy hell is it a mode. Jeff Rosenstock’s sixth solo outing finds the songwriter in a much more pensive and introspective headspace than we’re used to hearing, probably because of the end of the world or something. Album highlight ‘FUTURE IS DUMB’ brings the overarching apocalyptic anxiety of the record to a head, ending in a glorious anthemic shout-along refrain that is indicative of Rosenstock’s signature style, which has been more than perfected here. The song asks if we ‘still dream of tomorrow.’ If this record still exists then, we suppose our answer is ‘yes.’

Guided By Voices “Let’s Ride”

In honor of their 40th year as a band, Dayton, Ohio’s DIY legends Guided By Voices finally made their debut EP ‘Forever Since Breakfast’ available on streaming platforms. Superfans – read, ‘nerds’ – have circulated the record since its release, but this is the first time it has been made widely available to the public. Those new to the release will be pleasantly surprised to hear how polished and pristine the tracks still sound nearly half a century after their inception. ‘Let’s Ride’ in particular showcases the songwriting bedrock upon which Robert Pollard would later build his indie empire.

New releases are important to maintaining an edgy taste, but having a stacked and varied arsenal of classics is also essential to lording your preferences over casual listeners. We don’t want you looking like a dweeb, so here are a few of our staff’s tried and true classic jams to help balance the scales.

Iron Maiden “Fear of the Dark”

It’s already happening. The sun is setting earlier each day, thrusting our fragile psyches into the unforgiving darkness of night. Soon, we will be lucky to see the sun at all. Our managing editor has been prepping the office with therapy lamps and blasting Iron Maiden’s ‘Fear of the Dark’ on a near-constant loop. When we remind her that we still have a few weeks of sunshine left, she hisses at us and says our ‘time was up before we were even born.’

Sidney Gish “Impostor Syndrome”

You might think of our writing staff as impenetrable fortresses of confidence and vigor. Just like regular humans, though, we all have our bad days. Constantly churning out the top-quality content you have come to know from us can put a lot of pressure on a person. It’s only natural to feel a bit less than from time to time. Fortunately, Sydney Gish released the perfect anthem for these few and far-between moments. If it helps us through, we’d venture to guess you are in desperate need of it, so have at it.

At the Drive-In “Extracurricular”

While many are excited that the Mars Volta reunited last year and have shown no signs of breaking up since, one of our writers is less than pumped. According to him the Mars Volta are just a ‘pretentious version of At The Drive-In that people pretend to like to feel smarter than other people.’ In our opinion, it’s not really the band’s fault that our writer can’t handle mixed time signatures, be we digress. We’re not going to pretend we don’t secretly enjoy it when he blasts this song every time the Mars Volta is mentioned in the writer’s room.

This Day In Music History September 3rd

Posted on by Tim Graham

You have to know your history. Here are some of the notable moments in music history from today, September 3rd.

1723: Johann Sebastian Bach Awakens in Tub of Ice With Kidney Missing

After being drugged while visiting a house of ill-repute, the composer became the victim of one of the oldest cons in the book. The kidney was almost certainly made into a pie and sold at market.

 

1976: Rob Halford Wins Bet With Rest of Judas Priest

Halford had wagered with his dubious bandmates that he could perform in full leather daddy regalia and fans still wouldn’t catch on.

 

 

1977: Steven Tyler Founds The Steven Tyler Finishing School for Little Ladies

When asked if this was simply a scheme to gain access to teenage girls, the Aerosmith singer unabashedly replied, “It’s the seventies, baby. Anything goes—just ask The Nuge!”

 

1980: Einstürzende Neubauten Discovers Their Signature Sound

Blixa Bargeld happened upon the direction for his new band after accidentally spilling a wheelbarrow full of rebar and plate glass down an elevator shaft while working in demolition.
Debris pile

 

1981: AC/DC’s Brian Johnson Explains “You Shook Me All Night Long” is Actually a Subtle Nod to Intercourse

“A lot of people don’t realize that our songs are layered with nuance and metaphor,” said Johnson. “For example, when I sing ‘she was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean’, I’m not talking about a car, I’m referring to a woman and her sex parts.”

1983: Embarrassed Henry Rollins Forced To Perform in Gym Shorts After Clothes Stolen From Laundromat

“You know those nightmares when you’ve got to speak in public but you’re in your underwear?” asked Rollins. “Try singing in your jockey shorts for two hours in front of a crowd of angry hardcore kids.”

 

1984: Sammy Hagar Pens “I Can’t Drive 55”

The Red Rocker later complained few fans understood the popular song referred to his beloved 1981 Ford Fiesta, which maxed out at 54 MPH.

 

 

1988: Several Members of The California Raisins Form Hardcore Side Project

“We broke off to form our own group and show the world we’re capable of more than this manufactured exploitative minstrel bullshit,” said Reggie Raisin of his new band Raisin’ Hell.

 

1997: My Bloody Valentine’s Kevin Shields Files 1992 Taxes

“It felt good to cross that off the list,” said the notorious procrastinator and shoegaze maestro. “Although it looks like I’ll need to release some more music at some point to pay off all these late fees.”

 

2001: CG Cover Model from Creed’s Human Clay Cast in The Mummy Returns

“The VFX artists had to do very little to transform me into the Scorpion King,” said the mostly featureless CG figure. “I was glad to get the work as I wasn’t sure I’d ever get hired again after the shitshow that was the Human Clay cover.”