Our pop-culture landscape is ever-growing, and the older we get the more muddled it all seems to become. That’s what makes these clickbait lists about what was going on in the year you were born so comforting. They give you a sense of context, a way to place yourself in time, and make a little more sense out of the story that is you. Well, The Hard Times is doing you one better. We’ll not only give you a little piece of where that story begins, we’ll tell you exactly when and how it will end!
That’s right, our crack team of pre-cogs put in some extra time this week so we can not only tell you what the must-have fad toy was the year you were born but also the exact date and circumstances of your demise! Join us as we take a little stroll down nostalgia lane, with a fun turn down what-fate-has-in-store alley.
1970: G.I. Joe
The year was 1970. The Watergate scandal rocked the nation, The Beatles parted ways, and kids across the country were going ballistic over plastic soldier dolls called G.I. Joe. It was the popularity of these toys that eventually created the term “action figure!”
On February 3rd, 2027, you will slip on some ice on the sidewalk and crack your head open on the curb. This event is set in stone, and cannot be prevented.
1971: Weebles
Kids were delighted by the way these adorable little critters would wobble but never fall over! Look at those guys! Aren’t they just the cutest?
On July 4th, 2029 a stray bottle rocket will fly under the hood of a car you’re driving, a million-to-one shot that causes an explosion. You die in agony three days later at the hospital. To be clear, once the pre-cogs have seen an event it is set in stone. You could lock yourself in a wine cellar for the rest of your life, it doesn’t matter, causality will find a way to make this event happen, we’re sorry.
1972: Boggle
It’s amazing how many of these toys have stood the test of time! It’s almost hard to imagine a world without Boggle, but yes, 1972 was the first year people got their hands on this still popular word game, and as you can imagine it was a sensation!
You will die in an act of auto-erotic affixation gone wrong one month from today.
1973: NERF
1973 was truly the dawn of a toy empire, as it was the first year consumers could get their hands on non-expanding recreational foam guns, more commonly known as NERF guns. To this day, NERF projectiles remain a staple of American adolescence.
You will be gunned down outside of a pornographic movie theater on March 14th, 2025.
1974: Connect Four
Can you even imagine a rec room without a Connect Four board in it? Needless to say, when the game debuted in 1974 it was an instant sensation and the must-have toy for that Christmas.
On August 17th, 2034, you will drunkenly challenge an ostrich to a boxing match, a match you will lose. The ostrich will disembowel you, and you will be dead in minutes. You’re probably thinking to yourself “Well now that I know ostriches can do that, I fear and respect them and won’t try to box one,” but you either forget or are somehow forced into doing it anyway. We are all puppets, even if we can see the strings.
1975: Pet Rock
As hard as it is for later generations to grasp, kids in the mid-70s went crazy for the Pet Rock. This ridiculously simple smooth stone with googly eyes is practically the definition of a fad toy.
The year is 2035, and every pet rock in the world has come alive. Scorned by decades of ridicule and waning popularity, they take over the world in a day, and you die in one of their labor camps in October of that year. We are of course joking! You will have a fatal heart attack on October 13th, 2038.
1976: Skateboard
Though some versions of the skateboard have existed since the ‘50s, 1976 saw the invention of polyurethane skate wheels, which is what gives the board the maneuverability we know it for today, catapulting skateboards into the mainstream!
You will die an hour from now attempting to skateboard for the first time in over a decade.
1977: Atari 2600
That’s right suck it Mattel Football, the Atari was THE hot ticket item of 1977. While not technically the first home gaming system, it was the first to make use of gaming cartridges allowing users to play games not already built into the console itself, and thus a new generation of gaming was born!
The year is 2099. All of society now revolves around video games. You have been kept alive this long through cybernetic augmentations, but they are becoming shoddy and obsolete. You fight tooth and nail every day to keep your place on the leaderboards, just to earn enough credits to maintain the machines keeping you alive, but nothing lasts forever, and eventually, you just can’t swim with the sharks anymore. On September 21st of the same year, you die playing the popular video game “Shark Swimmers.”
1978: Star Wars Action Figures
Hungry Hungry Hippos was a close second, but there’s just no denying the phenomenon of Star Wars Toys. They set the template for franchise merchandising as we know it today. These toys were so popular that for Christmas the previous year kids received empty boxes with a certificate from Kenner Toys saying they would get the doll as soon as they were able to produce enough to meet the demand.
You will have a heart attack during a screening of “Star Wars Episode 16: The Return of Palpatine Again Somehow” on July 21st, 2038. Though in relatively good health and having no family history of early heart disease, there is only so much contrivance a heart can withstand.
1979: Simon
It’s hard to believe now but Simon was once considered an extremely high-tech toy. While it no longer enjoys its status as a wonder of what the computer age can accomplish, it’s still considered one of the most iconic retro games of all time and can still be found on toy shelves across America.
October 3rd, 2029, meth.
1980: Rubik’s Cube
There are quite a few lists of the best toy per year on the internet and while they aren’t all unanimous, you’ll find they all agree that the Rubik’s Cube was undeniably THE toy of 1980, and would in fact become one of the most iconic artifacts of the decade. We still haven’t solved ours!
By 2034 you’re a loose cannon detective searching for your spouse’s killer, and you start the hunt every morning at the bottom of a bottle. You are hit by a train on May 5th of that year. It is unclear if you intended to end your life, if you were the victim of foul play, or simply passed out on the tracks.
1981: He-Man Action Figures
Star Wars and G.I. Joe set the template, but “Masters of the Universe” saw the media-to-advertise-toys formula perfected. While most of our peak demographic wasn’t alive to see the boom of He-Man action figures they remained a staple of toy boxes for the next decade.
On the night of April 14th, 2046, you die in your sleep, but not peacefully. Coroners determine your unconscious demise occurred in a state of conflict and unease.
1982: My Little Pony
Decades before they would become weirdly sexualized by strange men on the internet, My Little Pony were just cute little horse dolls with brushable hair designed to compete with Barbie.
You will die in one week when you somehow drown in seven inches of water.
1983: Cabbage Patch Kids
The dolls that crawled so Garbage Pale Kids could walk. This was the must-have toy for Christmas of 1983 and sort of began the phenomenon of media-sensationalized toy crazes as we know them. Parents would wait in lines for hours, bicker and shove each other, desperate to grab one of the coveted dolls for their children in time for the holidays.
On June 28th, 2030 you lie about your ability to drive stick to book a part in a commercial. Most of your body is never recovered.
1984: Transformers
Robots in disguise! Transformers are arguably the most successful media-backed toy franchise of all time, first bolstered by a comic book, then various cartoons, and eventually, a mediocre film franchise still going strong somehow! Maybe it’s because the toys themselves are undeniably cool, cashing in on ‘80s adolescent boys’ two greatest loves, robots and fast cars!
In 2025 you take a trip to Peru where you have the misfortune of becoming host to an extremely rare intestinal parasite from a mushroom you assumed was psilocybin. You suffer a battery of mysterious systems over the next few years and die on March 11th, 2031.
1985: Teddy Ruxpin
A talking doll with a mouth that actually moves may seem commonplace today, but in 1985 it was a revolutionary sensation! Kids didn’t quite know whether to love Teddy Ruxpin or be terrified of him but either way, they were obsessed!
A very real bear will maul you to death on a hiking trip on May 9th, 2027. You go big when you should have played dead. Try as hard as you want to remember, the pre-cogs are certain that when the moment comes you choke.
1986: Nintendo Entertainment System
It’s hard to believe now but there was a time in this country when video games seemed to be a passing fad. When the NES hit shelves in 1985 it struggled to stay afloat. Then, in 1986, Super Mario Brothers came out and changed everything. It was the dawn of a gaming empire and for many Americans the beginning of what would become the gamer lifestyle.
You die of a stress-related heart attack on January 19th of 2039 while taking a gamified online real estate course.
1987: Jenga
It is estimated that you will walk into a new place and say out loud “Hey, they have Jenga here” three times every year. Whether you’re at a children’s sleepover or the hottest bar in town, Jenga is never out of style, and it all started in 1987!
In 11 days, you will be murdered by my hand. I have never met you, and I don’t believe myself capable of killing anyone, but the pre-cogs are certain that somehow this will come to pass.
1988: Troll Dolls
Trolls are probably better known for the series of kid’s movies they’ve inspired today, but in the ‘60s these long colorful-haired little dolls were a sensation. They enjoyed a huge resurgence in the late ‘80s through the ‘90s appealing to both kids and nostalgic adults alike.
On February 25th of 2026, you are warned by a coworker to keep a distance of 6 feet from the cardboard compactor while it’s running. You do the bit where you’re like “Oh, yeah, what am I gonna do just dance around the compactor here, de de de..” and you do a little silly dance and slip and you get your head crushed.
1989: Game Boy
While handheld electronic games had existed for some time by this point, the Game Boy’s cartridge-based gameplay was truly revolutionary. Future iterations of the console are still going strong today, and the original model is still considered a must-have by retro gaming fans.
You die on October 31st, 2036 while beta-testing the new Nintendo Power glove, which comes alive and strangles you.
The dream-like debut self-titled album from American Football has rightfully become a monumental moment in emo, in many ways defining the Midwest Emo subgenre with its clean production and math-y guitar hooks. It sonically captures a sense of youthful optimism, which of course, you are no longer able to feel. Plus, the iconic cover of a suburban house makes it the perfect soundtrack for driving slowly past the house you’ve been kicked out of as you make your way back to the apartment you share with three stand up comedians you found on Craigslist.
New Jersey based Saves the Day’s biggest album “Through Being Cool” was hugely influential, adding elements of pop-punk into their previously heavier sound to create a lasting document of teen isolation and loneliness. But hey, it’s not just for teens, and you’ll feel right at home putting this on while you eat imitation crab, directly from the packaging, alone in your apartment for the third night this week.
The one before they got really popular, this album has achieved a cult-like status among emo connoisseurs like yourself. Your ex-wife really liked “The Middle,” so now you can listen to this album without her asking when that song was coming. That song’s not on this album, Sharon!
The Get Up Kids’ second studio album”Something to Write Home About” blended emo with power pop and indie rock creating a classic album with hooks so strong, they will stay in your head even through hours of depositions with you and your ex’s lawyers as you sift through the ruins of your previous life together. You won’t care though, because, in your head, you’ll be singing along to “Holiday.”
The critically acclaimed second album from Midwest Emo band Rainer Maria, Look Now Again, uses poetic lyrics and shimmering guitars to evoke sad longings. The male/female alternating dynamic of their two co-vocalists, bassist Cathlin De Marrais and guitarist Kaia Fischer can help you relive every argument you and Sharon ever had, if only you two had prettier voices and a better grasp of the English language.
Orchid, the pride of Amherst, Massachusetts, was one of the early and most prominent Screamo bands, combining bracing elements of hardcore with more melodic turns from emo. Their first album “Chaos is Me” has remained extremely influential and is perfect to scream along too while punching a hole in the wall after hearing about how your ex-wife has moved on and is dating a personal trainer. At least the music is good, you can learn a bit of French, and check out this Nietzsche guy!
The debut album by the New Brunswick, New Jersey band Thursday shows a lot of the promise the band would later channel into Emo masterpiece “Full Collapse.” Many of the band’s elements are here on their debut album, which is perfect for you to think back on how promising your marriage once was before you got comfortable and took everything for granted.
One of the most popular early emo bands, the Promise Ring, transitioned to a more power pop oriented sound with their third album, Very Emergency. You can use this album to put yourself in a sweet, nostalgic mood before desperately calling Sharon and begging for her to take you back.
This criminally underrated band from San Diego, put out the masterpiece “Fire in the City of the Automatons” in 1999, weaving math-rock riffs through elements of emo and post-hardcore. They somehow never get credit for being an incredible band, just like you never get credit for all the good things you did in your marriage, like the one year when you remembered your anniversary without a reminder, and you even got Sharon a really nice crab declawing tool. Like the music of No Knife, all these good deeds seem to be lost to time.
The Ataris were more pop punk, with elements of emo, but don’t let that stop you from having it soundtrack your full-on nervous breakdown after you accidentally drive past you and your ex-wife’s favorite restaurant. The place where they give a little bib and dump a bucket of crab on the table, Sharon always did love it when you’d pretend the crab claws were really your hands, and you’d make her call you Lord Shell-don, even though she said she didn’t want to do it this time, and she just wanted to have a normal, quiet dinner, but you could tell she actually thought it was cool and sexy.
A collection of instrumentals, unreleased songs and demos from the legendary D.C. indie/emo pioneers Fugazi used to soundtrack the film “Instrument.” Their castaway songs are better than most bands,’ which you can relate to, because you are now essentially a castaway yourself, waiting to be re-discovered and cherished, and told that you are special and that personal training is dumb, and nobody should have ever left you.
Just 5 songs, but containing some of Bright Eyes best songs from their early era. Yes, cry-singing, “I believe that lovers should be tied together and thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather and left there to drown left there to drown in their innocence” from the song “A Perfect Sonnet” into Sharon’s voicemail is a really good idea, because it shows how committed you are now and that you’re in a good place mentally and everything.
The third album from Florida punk rock/ emo/ post-hardcore band Hot Water Music expanded the band’s sound, adding elements of pop punk and southern gospel. It’s perfect to pump you up at the gym, where you just started a new membership, and you’re wondering which one of these personal trainer fuck-sticks is boinking your wife.
This is an underrated classic in the emo/indie rock genre. Singer Brett Detar penned many deep emotional lyrics, pairing them with sweet and infectious melodies, while also being the guitarist in the metalcore band Zao. He proves that people can contain multitudes and they’re not just one thing, which would be cool for Sharon to understand. You’re not just the crab claw guy, you also are really good at cornhole, like 2nd or 3rd best amongst your guy friends.
A somewhat unknown gem of an album, released in 1999, Pop Unknown featured ex-members of Mineral and Feed Lucy. Yeah, maybe Pop Unknown is not as well known as Mineral, but they made something work after their first bands broke up. Bands they probably thought would last forever. The music on this album is really good, if not as revolutionary as Mineral, and hey, maybe that’s okay, too.
Piebald’s classic album from the tale end of their early era, “If It Weren’t For Venetian Blinds, It’d be Curtains for Us All” combines influences such as Jawbreak and Sunny Day Real Estate and Cave In, forming a powerful statement, though not as powerful of a statement as the statement the gym made when they kicked you out after you personally challenged every personal trainer into a game of one-on-one, mano a mano, cornhole showdown.
This album by San Diego band Tristeza, who featured Jimmy LaValle of the Album Leaf, blended elements of post-rock to create an expansive and beautiful album full of soundscapes. Tristeza means Sadness, and that’s very appropriate because that’s all you’ll be feeling for a while, after all your attempts to win back your ex have fallen flat.
“Mission Control!” is the debut album by Burning Airlines, who formed after the breakup of the legendary Jawbox. On this release, they managed to keep the best parts of Jawbox intact while exploring new sonic territories, just like you’ll be doing as you resolve to become a better person, and build your life back up.
Though not the most well-known emo album of the era, this release by Southern California’s Gameface has everything you’d want in an emo record: catchy melodies, heartfelt lyrics, big guitars, everything. This will be helpful for making your new Match.com profile, because you’ve got it all, too. You’re well on your way to scoring a new fling to rub in your ex’s face.
The debut album from pop-punk, emo adjacent, group A New Found Glory, was undeniably catchy and hugely influential over the Fall Out Boys of the world coming down the Emo pike. You know what? These guys dressed cool. You can pretty much still almost fit in your old clothes from when you dressed that way. You could probably still spike your hair up like that and then you can frost those fucking tips, baby. Post-divorce you is looking fly as shit.
The debut album from Small Brown Bike, which channels Hot Water Music and Jawbreaker, is not widely famous, but it is beloved by those in the know, like you. It’s a hidden gem, just like the Crab Hut, where you’ll be going on a date with someone you met from Match.com. She’s pretty much your girlfriend and pretty much better than Sharon in every way.
Torches to Rome were a three-piece hardcore/emo band from the Bay Area who released an EP and this album, their only full-length. It is heavily influenced by Fugazi and other D.C. bands but it stands on its own right as an awesome one-and-done album. You can thrash around and, generally, just go crazy in your car to this album after your date turns out to be uncultured and rude, and the staff at the Crab Hut turns out to be total narc cops who can’t take a joke.
The debut release by emo pop punk band Reggie and the Full Effect is considered by fans to be a classic album of the genre. It’s full of poppy hooks, and lots of funny movie references. Like the kind you and your guy friends make to make each other, cold beer in one hand and soft bean bag in the other. You know what? Maybe through all this crazy mess you and Sharon might just become friends and have a laugh about this whole thing someday.
The Casket Lottery, featuring some members of the band Coalesce, have a sound all their own, with jangly guitar chords, lush arrangement and poetic lyrics. You can put it on and look back over this whole crazy divorce process, and tell yourself you’re going to be alright. It might be a lie, but you can do it.
Another underrated album from 1999, Camber was an Emo band in the vein of Sunny Day Real Estate or Mineral. Their second album, Anyway, I’ve Been There is a perfect encapsulation of their sound and of late ’90s Emo in general. It sounds great, even years later, and you can assume it will sound great years in the future, when you run into Sharon on the streets, or at the park, maybe you’re both pushing strollers, you share a look of recognition and a first, awkward breaking of the silence, then the conversation gets going and you talk about all the good times. You pretend your hands are crab claws and say “Lord Shelldon misses you.” She halfway smiles, you can tell she wants to smile more, but she’s not letting herself fall in love again. You part with a sideways half-hug. You put this album on. 1999 was a great year for emo.
Nope, absolutely not, Rowlf is a good dog. Epstein tried recruiting him to play piano blindfolded at his parties “Eyes Wide Shut” style but Rowlf wanted nothing to do with it. Good boy Rowlf.
Her name doesn’t show up in the flight logs a single time and rumor has it she bit Ghislaine Maxwell at a party once. Janice is clean, can’t say the same for the rest of The Electric Mayhem though.
Sweetums is true to his schtick. Despite being the most monsterous looking muppet Sweetums never once boarded The Lolita Express. His only crime is his silence over the years as he watched trusted household name muppet contemporaries engage in the most sinister and nefarious activities imaginable. He doesn’t like confrontation, but that’s no excuse, big fella.
If this were some sort of comedy piece we could say that Beaker was a deviant sex addict and have a field day making up stuff about how he uses his head as a penis. Luckily this is a very real piece of journalism, and Beaker is not one of the many, many muppets that committed very real sex crimes with Jeffery Epstein.
Animal goes where the party is, and when you’re in Dr. Teeth’s band the party inevitably moves to Epstein’s sex island. Animal did not approve of the goings on and built a drum-powered raft to escape. He tried to blow the whistle, but since he only communicates through screams and drumming the prosecution was unable to build a case around his testimony.
A known cannibal, Epstein kept Gene on retainer to dispose of employees who had become troublesome or aged out.
Once a middling background bear, Bobo’s profile was raised during the Muppets Tonight era, and by 2011 he had his own lifestyle web show “Better Living with Bobo.” Sadly, like many lifestyle gurus, Bobo’s upbeat positive persona masked a sinister dark side. It is unknown how often Bobo went to Epstein’s island. What is known is that he’s currently serving 15 years on a plea deal and currently shares a cell with Jared Fogle.
Beauregard accompanied Bobo on his frequent Lolita Express excursions in his capacity as Bobo’s personal assistant. By all accounts, he was only there doing his job, but he knew what was going on and never came forward. It makes you wonder what Bobo must have had on him to illicit such loyalty.
After learning that Epstein was courting the likes of Malcolm Gladwell, Bill Gates, and Neil deGrasse Tyson, Dr. Bunson Honeydew became obsessed with worming his way to the inner circle. While there’s no evidence Dr. Honeydew participated in any illegal activity directly, there are reports that he worked closely with Epstein to streamline his breeding program, so his role can be described as chaotic neutral at best.
Epstein frequently recruited Crazy Harry to use his pyrotechnic skills to “liquidate” properties that had become a problem for him. His standard pay was $1000 worth of copper while and the all-inclusive “Humbert Humbert package” aboard the Lolita Express.
Dr. Teeth is all about image and mystique. He meticulously cultivates the image of The Electric Mayhem, and that includes adding a sense of danger to the band’s lore. He flew on The Lolita Express a few times just to be seen and add to the group’s sinister mythos. He didn’t partake in any illegal activities, Dr. Teeth low-key keeps his nose clean, but his silence on the things he was privy to and the deplorable behavior of his fellow bandmates make him complicit.
Once mistaken for a ghost haunting the Muppet Show theater, Uncle Deadly is as old Hollywood as they come. A little too old Hollywood.
Piggy’s obsession with being a social climber led her to parties at Ghislaine Maxwell’s house, and while she did karate chop the hostess out of jealousy on their first meeting, the two became fast friends. There is strong evidence that Piggy used her connections and status in the modeling world to scout prospects for trafficking.
Never trust an aging hippie in a bucket hat.