“Home Alone” is a movie that helped define a generation and is still revered to this day. The film follows the exploits of young Kevin McAllister as he defends his home from two bumbling thieves. If you are anything like us then you’ve probably thought to yourself “This would never happen to me, I would have smoked that stupid kid.” Well, we decided to put it to the test, and it turns out the kid living in Kevin’s childhood home was rather easy to beat up, almost too easy.
In order to maintain authenticity we wanted to take on the kid by himself. We started by breaking into the house late at night, tying up the parents, and their other 12-year-old son, then locked them in the garage. They offered little resistance. Yes, we threatened them with a gun, but it wasn’t even loaded. Well, it wasn’t fully loaded. It only had four bullets, and we wrote the name of a family member on each bullet and then loaded the gun in front of the mom and dad to show them we meant business. Now it was time to test ourselves against the kid.
When we opened the door to his bedroom he wouldn’t stop screaming. We explained to him that we were just there to beat the crap out of him and steal all the valuables from his home, but that we would give him 30 minutes to try to outsmart us. He could set as many traps as his little heart desired. The game was on, we started a timer then returned to our Prius and waited.
Finally, it was time to make our move, and we were incredibly disappointed. The doorknob was not booby-trapped, I had purchased $75 leather gloves to counter this maneuver, and I felt like I wasted my money. After getting inside and walking straight up the stairs without slipping on any toy cars or getting hit in the face with paint cans we were starting to think this kid was a dud. But we had to be careful, the kid could be hiding somewhere with his BB gun ready to shoot us in the testicles. Well, it turns out he never left his bedroom. He was still there crying. It was almost sad, we even asked if he needed another 15 minutes to set a trap and all the kid did was ask for his parents.
Now it was time for the final showdown. The kid was a complete disappointment, he did nothing to defend his home, and now it was time to fight him once and for all. My partner in crime had been taking some cardio kickboxing classes so he wanted to take first crack at the kid. All it took was one punch. The kid was out cold. We stole his Switch, a PS5 from the family room, and a few handfuls of jewelry from the parent’s room.
Maybe kids in the ‘90s were tougher.
Their selection of DeWalt power tools may be expensive, but what isn’t expensive is the grey hanes sweatshirt you’re using to conceal it as you breeze through the entrance doors with ease. A beep from door sensors might go off but most of the employees couldn’t give two shits to take any sort of action. They’re too busy listening to boomer Deb describing the new light fixtures she’s going to install in her in-law unit and praying for one to drop on their skull. Enjoying keeping your newly acquired items or dump them at your local flea market for some quick cash.
The company recently filed for bankruptcy due to declining sales over the past few years, or so they say. But we all knew what was leading to the downfall, you and your D-Beat friends having easy access to an endless supply of Soda Streams and an emergency exit door with an alarm that didn’t work. Also, you’d be shocked at how easy it is to walk out with a comforter underneath your arm as long as you just act confident. Beyond worth exploiting.
For some odd reason, you can still find some of these stores that put name brand shirts and jackets right by the front entrance. You can execute an in and out product grab within a matter of seconds. Remember, just because someone is wearing a referee shirt doesn’t mean they had to pass a physical fitness test to get it. Snatching shoes can be on the trickier side but is still doable. Working in teams is usually best for this. Ask for some shoes, try them on, and then have your friend distract the employee with some punishing conversation about Travis Scott Jordans. It’s like a shittier version of Ocean’s Eleven.
We here at Hard Times never played a PS5 game that we didn’t like. We also never met a Gamestop employee that was physically capable of clearing the front counter by the time we had darted out the front door with some overpriced collector’s edition game.
There is never anyone in here (including the employees). Feel free to take your time and shop around before exiting the store through the front door with B12 vitamins in your hand like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.
A store with prices so outrageous shoplifting from here is more to make a political point that it is for an easy grift. They are currently having a sale where produce is currently 20% off. It turns out you can take another 80% off if you stuff the oranges in your backpack with the Wolfbrigade backpatch and exit through their rarely watched side entrance.
Important to note that ladies will have a much easier time getting in and out of here unnoticed. It is impossible for any guy to go in here solo and not look like a total scum bag. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a guy in here by himself and didn’t think that he has an active restraining order? Ladies, feel free to load up your bags and stroll out the front door. Ain’t nothin’ happening.
Almost no explanation necessary at this point. Everyone’s social media feed is peppered with footage from Walgreens getting robbed with ease and not a damn thing being done about it from staff or the third-party security guards they hired. In the realm of stores with no-chase policies, this one is a lay-up shot. Bring a friend and make a game out of how many bars of Dove deodorant you can load up in your sweatpants.
Much like its competitor Walgreens, the competition also appears to be bleeding into the realm of which store is easier to steal from. 8 times out of 10 you are probably going to run into someone who is also in the process of ripping something off. Feel free to strike up a conversation and make a new friend. You can rest easy knowing you are making connections and won’t be getting tackled by store staff.
Second floor fire escape. Just do it.