There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism. That’s Why I Bought This Huge Death Ray

Posted on by Greg Smith

Trying to change the world for the better is tough. Systems in place are designed to maintain the unhealthy status quo. If you truly dedicate yourself to fighting the good fight, feelings of futility are inevitable. “Everything’s bad, so why try at all?”

This may surprise you, but the truth about our systems might help take an unnecessary burden off of you. There is no such thing as “ethical consumption” under the unethical system of capitalism. But we have needs – food, shelter, a huge death ray. And we need to buy them. So why punish ourselves?

Instead, try this reframe: Think less of your buying habits as world-savers but harm reducers. Needing to buy food is inherently wrong, yes, but we do need to. So research a local store run by people in your neighborhood and support them, rather than the mega-corporations.

Similarly, while we all agree that having a gigantic death ray that we use to protect ourselves from pesky neighbors is a basic human need, capitalism makes that service only attainable through money. So I did my diligence: A neighbor at my farmer’s market recommended a mad scientist who makes handcrafted abominations of death, and I reduced the societal harm of capitalism by supporting him economically. Then, he invested that money back into the community by creating a monster out of dead body parts!

And certainly don’t punish yourself for creature comforts. As Emma Goldman said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be a part of your revolution.” An iced latte, a handmade caftan, a flesh-eradicating death ray pointed at your next-door neighbor’s house – revolution needs joy and rest, and if these items provide that, so be it. In my case, of course, the death ray does provide joy and so I need it. That one wasn’t hypothetical.

Now, let’s shift our focus to climate change. The powers that be paint progress as the result of petty acts of individualism – reusable bags, electric vehicles, meatless Mondays, etc.

But the truth? A handful of billionaires are responsible for the majority of emissions. So does it make more sense to punish yourself for forgetting a reusable bag, or to refocus your energy to macro-level actions? Also, shout out to several billionaires who gave me recommendations on what death ray to buy. And yes, it runs purely on solar power and is carbon neutral (as in it will neutralize the carbon-based life form that lives next door to me if the second his hydrangea grows past my property line.

So to everyone fighting: take care of yourself. Make the best decisions you can. And if you see me zapping my next-door neighbor Carl with my enormous death ray, you are not allowed to be mad at me, because what I am doing is self-care, and it is exactly the same as you ordering diapers on Amazon.

New Biography Reveals “X” Was Name of Elon Musk’s Beloved Childhood Sled

Posted on by Tim Graham

SAN FRANCISCO — The author of an upcoming biography of Elon Musk found evidence suggesting his obsession with the letter X is due to it being the name of his cherished sled from childhood, according to stunned advance readers.

“My research found that as a child, Elon’s favorite possession was a particular plastic sled which was branded with a large, stylized X graphic,” said author Samuel Fisch. “It was a gift from his emerald mine-owning father, Errol. Of course, there was no snow in South Africa, so his father would have truckloads of it brought in for special occasions. Little Elon delighted in zooming down the slopes—that is, until the day his father snatched the sled from him and gave it to the child of a woman he was trying to bed. Musk was heartbroken, and the rest is history.”

The billionaire CEO of SpaceX and X denied the claim, going so far as to accuse the author of defamation.

“The allegation that my affinity for the letter X is somehow tied to a traumatic event involving a favorite sled, which signaled the loss of my childhood innocence and instigated a transformation into a bitter, vindictive, petty narcissist is simply absurd,” said Musk while fidgeting with a snow globe. “Fisch should expect to be served very soon as these sorts of lies shall not stand. I had a perfect childhood and a daddy who loved me very much. I just like the letter X, that’s all. It’s the coolest letter. It’s radical, edgy and extreme. It means all kinds of different things, like multiplication or the number ten.”

Psychologist Amelia Crane says that the sled story sounds plausible, given Musk’s public persona.

“Errol’s rejection of Elon being a catalyst for his transformation into the person he became makes perfect sense,” said Crane while examining a grainy photo of a young Musk and what could be the sled in question. “His behavior as an adult is consistent with someone whose sense of wonder and joy was snatched away at an early age. Everything Musk does seems to scream, ‘Notice me, daddy!’—yet it is in vain, for his father remains distant and detached, instead choosing to spend his time having children with his own stepdaughter.”

At press time, Musk had launched an attack on an unfortunate X user with a name similar to Fisch’s, causing them to receive thousands of death threats from blue check Musk loyalists.

Top 30 ‘90s Songs To Help You Pick a Life Insurance Policy Because Time Stops for No Man

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

The 1990s were filled with Friday night Blockbuster video game rentals, Pizza Hut’s Bigfoot pizza, and the only Woodstock that mattered, but now it’s hard to stay up past 10:30 p.m. and tomato sauce gives you heartburn. If any of this sounds familiar, you probably loved ‘90s music. And what wasn’t to love? The decade had all the best stuff: grunge, the golden era of hip hop, catchy pop, timeless alt rock, Limp Bizkit, and whatever the fuck music the Rusted Root sex commune made. The music is timeless, but you aren’t.

If you were crushed beneath the weight of a freefalling piano on an unassuming city sidewalk tomorrow, what would the dead-eyed weirdos you call a family do? They’d be fucking ruined! Lucky for you, the financial experts at the Hard Times are here to help you plan for the worst because you are a temporary cog in a global financial machine. (Listen to the full playlist)

30. “What’s My Age Again” by Blink-182

Karaoking this song with your friends is a great reminder that “Enema of the State” came out 25 years ago and your partner would have to put your dog down if you missed more than two consecutive weeks of work. Who can afford Beethoven III’s diet of three-skinned rabbits twice a day without a second income? So, what’s your age again? Aren’t you in your 40s? You should’ve taken care of this already because financial planning is so punk rock.

29. “Protect Ya Neck” by Wu-Tang Clan

Once upon a time, Wu-Tang was for the children. Now, Wu-Tang Clan is for the middle-aged suburbanite with 1.5 kids and questionable drinking habits. These Wu-Tang lyrics are a great reminder that you should get that thing on your actual neck checked out. It’s visible from across the room. Listen, we hope it’s nothing, but Josh Birdwell at Farm Bureau Insurance has some great bundles that would also protect your family’s necks.

28. “Mr. Jones” by Counting Crows

Hanging out with Mr. Jones seemed cool when you were in your 20s. Who wouldn’t want a horny, older gentleman to sit at a bar and hit on women with you? Talking to those yellow-haired girls and drinking well vodka was great until one day you realize you’re the same age as Mr. Jones was back in the day and he’s been dead for ten years. Yikes! Aside from Mr. Jones’s inability to form meaningful relationships with people his own age, he had his shit more together than you do. Mr. Jones was a creep, but he occasionally stopped harassing young women in public long enough to get his affairs in order. What’s your deal?

27. “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba

Did you know that even a little alcohol can harm your health? Well, it does, and your idea of fun in ‘97 was having a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, and a cider drink back-to-back-to-back-to-back like some kind of hangover machine. Now that your indiscretions have caught up with you, you’d better start deciding the exact minimum you can pay to make sure your next of kin can narrowly escape poverty without you. Will your favorite bartender be your primary beneficiary or will it be your Uber driver? It’s a tough choice because they’re both such good listeners.

26. “The Perfect Drug” by NIN

And while we’re talking about substance abuse, let’s discuss the perfect policy underwriting for a person that took ecstasy and ate candy bracelets every weekend from 1996-1998. Right now, your body is a temple made of cream cheese and gingivitis, so you should pick a policy that doesn’t require a health screening. This “Lost Highway” soundtrack standout will help you find an insurance company willing to look the other way on your health because the company’s risk assessors can’t see you wearing leather JNCOs right now. And getting insurance isn’t a reason to put on your old mesh tank tops. They make you look like a smoked ham now.

25. “Room a Thousand Years Wide” by Soundgarden

You used to set 10k PRs in your sleep, but now your bedroom feels a thousand years wide when you have to pee in the middle of the night. The toilet feels so far. Who could blame you for peeing just a little bit in your bed? Definitely not Kim Thayil who’s probably an insurance salesman in Seattle now. What else could he be doing? I mean, unless he’s a branch owner/operator–which he could be. Lead guitar work definitely showcases a person’s capacity for management.

24. “The Jam” by A Tribe Called Quest

Hotboxing in a friend’s tinted-out Jetta on a Friday afternoon in the middle of June is no longer something you can do because weed makes you so paranoid you call the police on yourself. Calm the fuck down and listen to this song before you have a heart attack.Try to at least remember for a second that you used to be kinda cool even though you’re afraid to ask a woman wearing a wrinkled khaki power suit what autopay is.

23. “Broken Chairs” by Built To Spill

Did you know that broken chairs cause 17 deaths per year? Well, I actually made that number up, but you can imagine it, right? And now you can’t stop thinking about it, can you? How sturdy is the chair you’re sitting in? If it breaks, will one of the splintered legs go directly up your asshole and then out your belly button? Maybe. Probably not, but also maybe which is exactly why you should stand while looking over your policy options. Plus, your posture needs some work. Stand up straight.

22. “Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)” by Deftones

If you take the long way to the grocery store because you just need a little break from the kids, it’s time to take a hard look at the impermanence of all life on planet Earth. It’s fleeting as fuck, so just pick a life insurance policy and move on. Is there really that big of a difference between them? Who knows. If you play your cards right, maybe you can bundle your auto policy, too. That way you and your family can finally afford to road trip to where members of Deftones grow their medicinal cocaine.

21. “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia

Right now, this song feels like it’s about your lower back. You tried too hard in that rec league soccer game and woke up cold and naked on the floor. That doesn’t seem great for any insurance policy. You’re probably going to need to see a specialist, so find out how much your deductible is and whether or not your doctor will throw in some light butthole surgery while they’re just fishin’ around in there.

20. “Firestarter” by The Prodigy

Structural fires are awesome because they smell cool and reenergize your waning libido. Since you’re too cautious to actually burn a stranger’s house down, listening to this Prodigy classic is the closest you’ll ever get to living out your most erotic fantasy. But in the event that one day this song doesn’t scratch the itch, you should be sure you’re covered because lots of arsonists end up victims of their own kinky crimes.

19. “The Aeroplane Flies High (Turns Left, Looks Right)” by The Smashing Pumpkins

This is the greatest Smashing Pumpkins song you’ve probably never heard. If you don’t pick a policy soon, this one-riff song will be the only nine minutes you don’t feel guilty for making your family use a Coinstar to finance your funeral.

18. “Windowlicker” by Aphex Twin

Nothing was more sexually confusing than seeing the cover of this album for the first time. The same can be said for the underwear movement you had when you realized that your new policy also gets you a discount at the local waterpark. It’s like puberty all over again.

17. “Full Clip” by Gang Starr

Besides being a great era for your hairline, the ‘90s was a golden age for your budding semi-pro skateboarding career. Listening to “Full Clip” hundreds of times helped you learn switch flip back tails which makes it the perfect song to play while you examine every company willing to offer your mustard-filled body life insurance. Gang Starr probably won’t help you pick between companies hoping you’ll pay them more money than they pay you when the wheels finally come off your hideous body, but it can’t hurt, either.

16. “My Name Is Jonas” by Weezer

Your name isn’t Jonas, Suzanne, or Rivers Cuomo, but that shouldn’t stop you from getting an amazing customer service experience. Sure, the agent can smell your infected cheek piercings from across the room and your vegan wayfarer glasses are completely off-putting, but these people are professionals. They can tell you’re serious about providing financial security for the children you see every other weekend unless there’s a good show and one of the opening bands needs a place to crash. They know that you, a person who has forgotten your own social security number, deserves to be treated with respect. These agents also know that it’s irresponsible to be nostalgic for the ‘90s without acknowledging American culture was intensely homophobic, racist, and anti-woman.

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Cop Beating the Crap Out of College Student Looking Forward to Two Weeks Paid Vacation

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Local cop Thomas Hannon admitted that he’s excited about his upcoming paid leave of absence once he is disciplined for brutalizing a peaceful protester at Columbia University, slightly jealous sources confirmed.

“This is one of the best parts about being a cop. I get to absolutely wallop a bunch of nerds sitting in a circle with my baton and then as a ‘punishment’ for using ‘excessive force unbecoming of a police officer’ they suspend me for two weeks, with pay,” said Officer Hannon while checking how many Expedia points he has available. “Thankfully everyone is filming this stuff now so people can see that it’s clearly me doing the beating. Sometimes I like to find the cameras and let them know my badge number just to make this easy on my commanding officer.”

Police Captain Arthur Angioni says Hannon is one of many officers who take advantage of the department’s disciplinary protocols.

“This is the time of year when lots of my guys will start choking out turnstile jumpers or pistol-whipping street vendors who don’t have permits. I can’t say I blame them, I’d do the same if I were walking the beat. The hardest part for me is having to pretend I give a shit when I give them a stern talking to and tell thim they are suspended,” said Captain Angioni. “But Officer Hannon is a cut above the rest. I think he’s worked about 15 days in the last two years, he’s always under disciplinary review, getting his full pay. At this point, most of the guys at the station just call him Tommy Bahama because he’s always lounging on the beach.”

Eddie Lincoln, a member of the police watchdog group Civilians For Ethical Policing, says these disciplinary practices just incentivize cops to act worse.

“If you went to your job tomorrow and elbowed Gary from accounting in the chest until he passed out you would probably be fired, but police officers are given endless vacation time on the taxpayer dime,” said Lincoln. “They love having the chance to beat some protesters. They grab their riot gear, quote Steven Seagal movies to each other and then discuss what they are going to do with their time off. But if there is an active shooter at an elementary school they usually hang back as long as possible.”

At press time, Officer Hannon was seen choke-slamming a college freshman after finding cheap airfare to Las Vegas.

Bouncer Casually Lets Giant Wooden Horse Through

Posted on by Peyton Cabral

OMAHA, Neb. — Mason Asghar, the head bouncer at local club Arroz Con Pollster, recently let in an enormous wooden horse without giving it a second thought, shocked and confused bystanders report.

“It seemed cool as hell. It was kind of funny including the dong and I wanted to see if it could wheel inside the doorframe. I’m pretty amazed it did,” said Asghar. “No, no minors could get inside. Do you think a couple of kids could have made that? It was just a cool ass statue, that’s all. You know, the bar has kinda fallen in a bit of a rough patch, so getting this gift could really help us out. Suddenly, we’re not just the bar that only plays LCD Soundsystem music videos on the TVs, you know, now we’re the bar with the giant horse. Think of the social media engagement!”

Clubgoer Julio Randolph was miffed at Asghar’s unorthodox decision.

“I’ve been standing outside this stupid club for three hours, waiting in line just hoping I get in. Then out of nowhere, this massive horse on wheels, had to be twenty feet tall, cuts in line in front of me,” said a visibly irritated Randolph. “I could hear people giggling inside of it, for fuck’s sake. The bouncer guy takes one look at it and lets it in. I come up to the door and the guy says ‘sorry man, I don’t know if you’ll fit inside the building. I just let a giant wooden horse in.’ How am I supposed to react to that?!”

Bartender Leaf Sanchez also seemed disappointed regarding his coworker’s lack of judgement.

“I’ve trusted Mason like a brother. We’re really proud of keeping ACP a safe place for everybody who wants to come here. We’ve put previous art installations in here before and we can’t afford to keep paying off the fire inspectors.” Sanchez sighed as they wiped down the counter. “That horse does look damn cool though. Maybe we can start charging a cover fee for people to get inside it.”

At press time, a mysterious trap door opened from the belly of the sculpture.

Absolutely Tragic: This Woman Blocked a Dude From a Dating Site Moments Before He Was About to Let Her Know That He Was a Pussy Eating Master

Posted on by Dan Rice

From its origins to the modern era, our literature is rife with star-crossed lovers. Helen and Paris from The Iliad. Romeo and Juliet from Shakespeare. “The Notebook” people. Now, from our own interconnected world, comes a story of doomed romance sure to take its place in the annals of human tragedy and resonate through the ages.

A woman on Feeld using the handle Sin_ful_e_Sweet just unmatched with a dude going by JediDick right when he was composing a prose in which he revealed himself as “a master in the fine art of devouring that box.” Jesus wept.

How cruel is this wheel of destiny we are condemned to live in when a woman can so hastily block a potential suitor on a whim—simply for sending and requesting nudes before saying hello—without even knowing she has forever deprived herself of a life-changing cunnilingual odyssey?

The composition, once destined to spark the greatest love affair of our modern era, now exists only as a digital message-in-a-bottle, forever adrift in a lonely sea of pussylessness.

“Yo, let’s see that pussy. Unlike a lot of guys on here, I actually LIKE eating it. I pride myself on being a master in the fine art of eating that box yo😜. Bitches be begging me to stop sometimes, I’m that good. You like my dick? We should hook up, where you at? I can’t host. Where you at? You got nice titties, any topless pics? 420?”

Hades himself could not help but be touched by such prose. These are words that can move boulders, part the seas, inspire revolutions. Alas, they never reached Sin_ful_e_Sweet, and they never will.

Surely the information that she was speaking to none other than the pussy eating master himself, the man who could “tongue box that clit like no other,” would have made her overlook his shitty tattoos, tactless introduction, and dependency on his parents for a place to live well into his 30s. Had DickJedi hit send just a second sooner she might be on her back right now rolling ecstatically in the fields of pussy eating Elysium. Instead, because of a split-second error in judgment, she is forever doomed to a life of actual conversation and subpar pussy eating followed by a lazy backrub.

Our hearts weep for you, Sin_ful_e_Sweet and DickJedi. May the tragedy of your failed coupling serve as a reminder to us all that life is too short to be coy about one’s pussy eating abilities. We implore you to share their story and to update your bio so that people can see your level of pussy eating competence right off the bat.

Rolling Stones Manager Admits to “Weekend at Bernie’s”-ing Keith Richards for Last 35 Years

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LONDON — Longtime Rolling Stones manager Joyce Smith finally revealed that she has been deep in a “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation with Keith Richards’ long dead corpse since 1989, sources wondering how she gets him to smoke those cigarettes confirmed.

“Well, when Keith died in the late ‘80s, with a full world tour to promote ‘Steel Wheels’ on the docket, we were all pretty stumped on what to do. But, then I saw some nearby sunglasses, popped them on him, and pointed out that, hell, the alive-and-well Keith didn’t really move around or say much, so Mick and the fellas gave it the thumbs up” said a harried Smith while toggling an elaborate pulley system to make Richards give a thumbs up as well. “I’ll admit, I had a bit of help from the kind people at the Jim Henson Creature Shop with some puppeteering pointers, and also the Lysol corporation for helping keep his stench under control and at least vaguely lemon-scented. It’s a team effort, really, I’m just the one who took the 3-month intensive ventriloquism course.”

Richards’ bandmates were at first apprehensive, but soon admitted to it being just like old times.

“Sure, it took me a gig or two to get used to Ol’ Keithy here always needing to be propped up by a nearby ‘assistant’, but after a while, talking to him was just like talking to Kermit or Grover. You start to ignore whoever’s pulling the strings and are absorbed by the pure magic of this timeless character,” said a beaming Mick Jagger, with his arm around a “napping” Richards. “I don’t mind saying that sometimes I feel closer to this Keith than I ever did when he was breathing oxygen. He’s such a good listener now. Total shit at the guitar though, sad to say. Living beings certainly make better musicians, I can safely say. Thank god for backing tracks.”

No community is more validated by this news than the online music conspiracy theorists who have suspected this for decades.

“I knew it! I would always tell people I could see the little wires moving his hands from fret to fret, but people called me crazy. I caught the head of one of the puppeteers on one of their SNL appearances. Thank god for live TV, the conspiracy theorists only friend,” said Randy Bergens, owner of both the domain names KeithRichardsIsDeadAndInAWeekendAtBerniesSituation.net and KeithRichardsIsAliveAndInAMrsDoubtfireSituation.net, just in case. “Now if only I could get more people onboard with my firm belief that Bob Seger is legally married to a car, I can really feel legitimized.”

At press time, sources still can’t figure out how they make him smoke that cigarette.

The 15 Worst Jimmy Eat World Songs To Play In Your Sex Dungeon

Posted on by Scott Waldman

You finally did it, after watching countless hours of home renovation videos on YouTube you finally finished your sex dungeon. Now it’s time to convince some of your more adventurous friends to come over and try out some of the amenities. To set the perfect mood you are going to need the right soundtrack, and that absolutely should consist of a single song from Jimmy Eat World, it makes absolutely no sense to play any of their songs while sucking, fucking, or both at the same time. But here are the 15 worst songs for your foray into the world of BDSM. (Listen along to the playlist)

15. “Let It Happen”

The simple fact of the matter is this song is a bit too upbeat for any sex dungeon playlist. Everyone knows that darker music fits the mood better. Also, this song has multiple moments where the vocals could sound like mocking laughter. Maybe this works for someone with a humiliation kink, but most people will find it distracting.

14. “Feeling Lucky”

A song with a lyric “Suck that lucky feeling out of me” might seem like a fit for your filthy fuck palace, but the fact of the matter is there are going to be a few people who aren’t “feeling so lucky” because their Dom just hooked a car battery up to their nipples. They claim they like it, but the screaming makes everyone uncomfortable.

13. “For Me This Is Heaven”

This is a song you put on a mix tape for your crush back in high school. Back then it was much easier for you to get off. This song would just serve as a reminder of more innocent times, when simple penetrative sex was all it took, you would find yourself humming along while a large man in boots grinds his heel into your balls and be so distracted you wouldn’t feel a thing.

12. “Please Say No”

If “No” is your safe word then you are going to ruin the sex dungeon experience for everyone. Think of something more creative. A word that people don’t use in passing conversation all that often. Try words like “Caveman” or “Sweetness” instead. If this song was written by Trent Reznor and was about some sort of sodomy then it would be a good fit, but Jimmy Eat World still has yet to write their sodomy anthem.

11. “Action Needs An Audience”

This song title makes a lot of assumptions about the types of people you will be inviting over. Yes, some people are going to want an audience when they are flogged, gagged, or being mocked for their tiny, almost invisible penis, but some people still want to be flogged, gagged, and have their tiny, almost invisible penis mocked in private.

10. “23”

Sure this song might seem like a good idea at first, it’s a bit slow and somber. But inevitably someone in your sex dungeon is going to be a huge fan of Michael Jordan. They will start harping about how Lebron and Kobe are trash compared to Jordan. It’s going to really ruin the vibe, sports and bondage do not mix.

9. “Closer”

If this were the the Nine Inch Nails song of the same name you would be in business. Great choice for your playlist, but instead this song is a mid-paced rock song that never once mentions fucking anyone like an animal. A complete miss by Jimmy Eat World here.

8. “Blister”

Oh no, your Dom bought a new pair of boots and she didn’t break them in properly. This song reminds them that they need some quick help fixing their new footwear so they don’t get a painful blister. This unassuming rock song is now the reason you are on all fours shining a pair of thigh-high boots with your tongue.

7. “Stop”

Another bad choice for a safe word. And the song itself is too light for the nasty things you and your associates do on a nightly basis. If you can imagine this song being played while you have your entire fist in someone’s anus then you might be even more depraved then you realize.

6. “Pain”

This song title is a bit on the nose, and honestly it doesn’t deliver. If you are going to have a song called “Pain” you want it to have a Type O-Negative and be some sort of instruction manual about how to ratchet up the pain to deliver the ultimate pleasure, which is of course a massive orgasm that is no problem at all thanks to the high end flooring you installed that is easily cleaned, and prevents slipping.

5. “The Middle

Yeah this is a great song for almost any playlist. But there is a huge problem having it on your sex dungeon playlist. Everyone is going to start singing along, tapping their toes, and bopping their heads for the entirety of the song. Is that what you want? A fun time singing with friends? Or do you want to humiliate each other sexually to the point you don’t make eye contact if you see each other in public? Thought so.

4. “Cut”

Here is another song that you think might actually fit in with the theme. Surely you have a couple friends that are into knife play. But our friends in Jimmy Eat World say “I’m sorry” way too many times in this song, and this dungeon is not a place for remorse, it’s a well ventilated place for absolute depravity.

3. “Bleed American”

The title track from Jimmy Eat World’s breakout album is an absolute classic, and this album also came out a few months before 9/11 and the album was then renamed “Jimmy Eat World” following the attacks. Why is this a big deal in your dungeon? Because one person is surely going to know that fact and start talking about how jet fuel can’t melt steel beams while you are being suspended from your testicles.

2. “Pass The Baby”

The song title alone is enough to make this a terrible choice. If you can’t get a babysitter then you cannot be in the sex dungeon, that’s one of the only rules you have and if anyone argues with that then maybe you need to alert the authorities.

1. “Hear You Me”

This song is about a person who died in a car crash who was friends with Jimmy Eat World. There are a lot of kinks out there, but most reasonable people don’t want to be thinking about the tragic loss of life while being pegged.

Generation-Defining Rap Song Followed on Album by Least Funny Skit Ever Recorded

Posted on by Michael Luis

ATLANTA — A recent discovery revealed a beloved once-in-a-generation rap song was followed by the most unfunny skit anyone’s ever heard, confirmed sources who have never gotten through the entire six-minute interlude without skipping it.

“It was so cosmically cheesy that it actually made me second guess my adoration for the otherwise greatest rap song to be written since Skee-Lo’s ‘I Wish,’” said lifelong rap fan Reggie Greenspan. “I mean, the skit started off strong. It was a simple premise of two guys talking about ordering a pizza. Then all of a sudden it devolved into a mixture of surface-level puns, youth pastor-equivalent jokes, and even a couple of extremely dated ‘whazzup’ references. In fact, more than half of the album consisted of humor-less sketches. You would think at least one or two would be funny, even if by accident. They really should’ve stuck to music.”

Rap group Syndicate Crew didn’t think it was that bad.

“We all know comedy is subjective and we found this out the hard way,” said Rob “Nefarious B” Watkins. “Pitchfork actually gave our album two ratings. One for the music and one for the comedic value. Somehow the second rating was a negative number. Feels a bit harsh. Either way, we only use rap as a front for our main passion, which is sketch comedy. We were heavily inspired by the comedic greats of Outkast, Kanye West, and Wu-Tang Clan. Someday we hope to be on the Mount Rushmore of rap sketch comedians. Someday.”

Experts noted the curiously long history of comedy and music.

“They don’t go hand in hand at all unless you’re Weird Al, Tenacious D, or Flight of the Conchords, yet musicians keep trying anyway,” said music journalist Renee Boltron. “And fans absolutely are not having it. For example, Dr. Dre is a highly respected rapper and songwriter, but I think we can all agree that ‘The Chronic’ would’ve been better without that one skit where Dre is having a conversation about the military-industrial complex with the Noid. And don’t get me started on the skit about a dog drinking a grown man’s urine on Blink-182’s ‘Dude Ranch.’ Brutal.”

At press time, members of Syndicate Crew announced they were releasing the B-sides to the album which consists of six new skits and no music.

Help! I Lost My Friend Molly at this EDM Festival and No One Is Being Helpful

Posted on by John Danek

I am way too good of a friend. Despite being a total bebop jazz head, I agreed to go to the Sonic Breeze EDM Festival for my friend Molly’s birthday. Lo and behold, she went missing mere minutes after arriving. Upon entering the security check, I squeezed out a quick shit in a porta-potty and she was gone by the time I came out.

To make matters worse, not a single person was even remotely helpful during my search. I went up to some woman covered head to toe in lime green fishnets and asked “Have you seen Molly?” She just grinned and tried to make out with me. The audacity!

Next, I asked a gentleman whose shirt had a rather psychedelic pattern if he had seen my friend Molly, and he started laughing and dry-humping the nearest tree. Is anyone here at all concerned that we have a missing persons case on our hands?

One of the attendees had the audacity to call me a “narc.” What is that about? I’m a bad guy just because I’m trying to solve a missing persons case? I’m all for de-funding the police, but not because they find missing people!

The music certainly isn’t helping. I’ve been trying to find the information tent but all the music sounds like trash compactors and fart noises on every beat. No one could hear me or read my lips. My dental filling from last Thursday came loose from all the bass. I placed it in my fanny pack. I do not believe that this noise fits the dictionary definition of “music.”

But then something interesting happened. The fifth or sixth person I asked for help handed me a pill that looked a lot like my papaya seed capsules, so I took it. While I don’t think it helped my gut flora health, I did start to enjoy the music a bit more. I allowed myself to be free and dance, and if I recall correctly, I made oral love behind a falafel tent.

I felt a sense of joy I hadn’t experienced since I was a child playing capture the flag with my friends. I thought the smile would permanently burn into my face.

This haze lasted a few hours, and after a few oral love-making and receiving sessions, I started to regain my senses. The world became grayer once again, and Molly was still nowhere to be found.

Until I checked my text messages. Apparently, she said she’d “meet me at Stage B” nine hours ago. I really need to check my texts more.