Punk ASMR Creator Holds Microphone Up to Bandage Slowly Peeling Off Skin

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Paige Gerbert, known as online creator ASMR Pope Hammer, posted a viral video on her YouTube account titled “ASMR | Sound of Bandage Slooowly Peeling Off My Skin (warning: gloppy),” confirmed sources who couldn’t click it fast enough.

“I was recovering from a leg injury I got in the pit at a Turnstile show. Someone in sandals hooked me bad with their big toenail. The doctor my shitty health insurance sent me to gave me a bandage and a prescription for gas station kratom and a microphone for contacting aliens,” said Gerbert, who refers to herself as an ASMRtist. “This gave me an idea. When the trench of puss in my leg stopped smelling, I turned the gain way up on the mic and held it close. Then I peeled the bandage off real slow, like for 30 minutes. Next thing I know, I’ve got 10 million views. Now I’m uploading more videos with audio from things like the soft nut mashing of skateboarding injuries, fleshy rat bites, and sticky omphalolith removals—I dare you to look that up—but I’ll close my show with my big hit.”

A local fan of ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response) explained the appeal.

“I’m personally responsible for 50,000 of those 10 million views. There’s just something about the sound of a bandage being removed from an open wound that puts me to sleep,” said Marcus Murphy. “Those goopy, crispy sounds give me the chilliest tingles. They even helped me cure my insomnia. I no longer need Monster Energy throughout the day to function. However, it turns out I do need someone messing with their lacerations to get adequate sleep. The bloodier the better.”

One of the first and foremost ASMR creators, Maria Viktorovna—also known as ASMR Gentle Whispering—congratulated Gerbert.

“That ASMR Pope Hammer hit 10 million views without first posting a cranial nerve exam, eye exam, or dermatological exam video is amazing. Lucky her, she won’t need to deal with billing health insurance, since 41% of Americans now get their medical care from ASMR exams on YouTube,” whispered Viktoronova while instinctively running her fingers through a hair brush. “It’s only a matter of time before the tight-knit back waxing community finds her and she hits the mainstream.”

As of press time, Gerbert couldn’t believe her luck when she lost half her arm in a tragic accident, which she plans to use to create countless ASMR videos.

Opinion: If Trump is “Evil,” Then Why is He All About Making Deals, a Trait Classically Associated With Jesus Christ?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Is there anything the left loves more than attempting to smear and vilify the leader of our great nation? It seems like everywhere I go on the internet to pick fights, it’s “Trump is a pedophile” this and “Trump is a Nazi” that. If that wasn’t bad enough, now I see these ANTIFA commie’s attacking our President’s very Christianity! 

These whackjobs would have you believe that Donald Trump isn’t a true Christian, even though he said he was on television — a fact that just so happened to secure my vote, thank you very much. Some even go so far as to speculate that Trump is actually the antichrist, all because of a few things he’s said and a few things he’s done and a few signs that happen to match up to a few things written in the Book of Revelations pretty eerily. So what?! 

What does ANTIFA know about Christianity anyway? Half of you woketards have probably never even heard of Christ, so let me go ahead and tell you about him. He was God’s only son, he preached good things about being good, and he is known mostly for his love of making deals. 

There’s a reason for the saying “A deal with the Jesus.” So what in the world could possibly be more Christian than writing an entire book dedicated exclusively to lucrative dealmaking?! 

We’ve all heard stories of Christ intervening in the lives of desperate people, and the beats are always the same. Someone is in trouble, needs help, falls down on their knees, and prays. Suddenly, smoke fills the room, accompanied by foreboding red light and an ambient, sinister laugh. From the fog emerges our Lord Jesus Christ, Vanity cane in one hand, tip of his stovepipe hat with the other, grinning ear to ear as he purrs the words “Perhaps we can come to… an arrangement…” You know the rest — a bargain is struck, the old-timey parchment contract is signed in blood and burns away immediately, and Christ disappears back into the smoke and shadow, laughing maniacally. The desperate Christian then finds their wish fulfilled, only for it to backfire in some unforeseen way. 

As the scripture teaches us, “Surrender your soul unto Christ and thou shalt receive thy heart’s greatest desire, but with a cruel and macabre twit.” 

We’re talking about a man who took a missing set of footprints in the sand and spun it into a lucrative hero story that still graces coffee mugs and Christian gift shop placards to this day.  Clearly, our Lord has read “The Art of the Deal.” 

Next thing they’re gonna tell us it’s not “Christian” to start World War III. How else are we all supposed to get to heaven?!

ICE Agent Wakes Up in Cold Sweat From Recurring Nightmare Where Migrant Worker Puts in Hard Days Work, Minds Own Business, and Does Best To Take Care of Family

Posted on by Bill Conway

RALEIGH, N.C. — Federal Immigration Officer Ronny Pimmental once again woke up in terror after experiencing a recurring nightmare of migrant workers providing for their families and trying to enjoy their lives, sources confirmed.

“I’ve tried everything to get these nightmares to stop. I’ve been drinking more, experimenting with drugs, and trying to avoid sleep altogether. It seems like as soon as I close my eyes I see these men and women speaking Mexican and laughing hysterically, it’s awful,” said the officer who was fired from all his previous jobs due to rage issues. “Sometimes I’ll be frozen in an illegal alien’s home watching them play with their kids. I try to scream ‘Freeze, Immigration, you’re under arrest’ to get control of the situation, but my mouth makes no sound. I’m stuck there just watching a happy family when all I want to do is make sure those children are locked up far away from the eyes of lawyers and advocacy groups.”

Kat Suarez, a local community organizer who helps migrant workers caught up in raids attain legal counsel, says all of the ICE agents she has met are complete cowards.

“I’m not shocked to hear that these guys are having trouble sleeping at night. From what I can gather, most of these officers seem upset they aren’t allowed to breastfeed anymore. They also seem to be so juiced on TRT that they all look like a 7-Eleven hot dog that’s ready to burst,” said Suarez. “If they have a mandate to get criminals off the street, then all they need to do is march into the nearest police station and admit that they love driving drunk, and their favorite pastime is knocking their kids around a bit. The migrant families in our community are not the problem.” 

Tactical commander Gregory Bovino admitted he also has nightmares related to the job.

“People look at me and see a big tough guy who could probably kick the crap out of Iron Man and Batman at the same time, and mostly that’s true, but sometimes I do have moments of weakness,” said Bovino. “I’ll often dream about the raids I’ve helped organize and wake up regretting the fact we didn’t attack more people protesting. All those people off to the sides with their cardboard signs, they are dangerous individuals, and I wish we took the time to tear gas more of them. But there is always the next batch of protesters, and we have an endless supply of pepper balls and rubber bullets.”

At press time, Officer Pimmental plans on taking a leave of absence after he discovered he enjoys the taste of horchata. 

New Spotify Wrapped Feature Shows How Much of Your Money Went to Funding AI Warfare Technology

Posted on by Bill Conway

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Spotify released its popular annual year-end “Wrapped” feature which gives users a snapshot of their music and podcast listening trends along with a new feature that shows how much of their money went to fund AI warfare technology, multiple users confirmed.

“We are always looking for ways to make Wrapped engaging for the user. Whether it’s creating custom genres with hilarious names, delightful auras, or a heat map of where AI drones are dropping bombs across the world. We make all the Wrapped content easy to share so your friends and family can see exactly how much of your money has helped fund these instruments of death,” said CEO Daniel Ek. “It’s the loyal Spotify customers who don’t want to lose access to playlists they’ve curated over the past decade who make these war machines possible. Try to boycott us, you can’t. We live inside your head.” 

Long-time Spotify customer Eddie Landers admits his Wrapped synopsis was embarrassing on multiple levels.

“I realized around July that my Wrapped was going to be fucked this year. I tried to beat the algorithm by listening to ‘90s hardcore bands on loop. But despite my best efforts, Sabrina Carpenter was still my top artist this year. And worse, I’m in the top 3% of listeners worldwide. I wish I could blame my girlfriend, but I’ve been single for eight years,” said Landers. “Then the Wrapped took a really dark turn where it showed a weird dancing robot creature with my face shoving piles of money into a furnace that said ‘War’ with a clip of ‘Please Please Please’ playing. I want to delete this app, but the Tidal algorithm will take weeks to learn my preferences, and I don’t have time for that.”

Sociologist Debra Harrington believes most people will stick with Spotify despite the company’s many shortcomings.

“Yeah, Spotify doesn’t pay artists well, they are pushing for more AI content on their platform, and their investment in Helsing is morally bankrupt. But what is the average person supposed to do? Use Deezer? That’s just not going to happen,” said Harrington. “Spotify is too big at this point. They could send goons into your house to smack your dog around for hours and you would still be like ‘But without Spotify how will I discover new music?’ But you can take solace in the fact that you aren’t alone. The world is filled with cowards who won’t cancel their account.”

At press time, Ek announced Spotify would once again cut artist royalty payments in order to invest in a company that intentionally pollutes drinking water in underdeveloped countries.

Multi-Hyphenate? My Therapist Said I’m Obsessive-Anxious-Avoidant

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

My name is Sebastian, and I’m a multihyphenate. I’ve actually had many multihyphenate titles ever since I learned what multihyphenate means. Like writer-actor-mom’s basement dweller. Or photographer-producer-female ogler. Or comedian-podcaster-grifter. But my latest is my most impressive yet: my therapist said I’m obsessive-anxious-avoidant. 

It makes sense that a title that refers to having a diverse set of creative skills is one that I’d get to call myself. I mean, my WORK, it’s like being in a relationship, honestly. It’s like I’m married to my art. And you know, when I think about my art, my attachment style makes sense. Like, I’m anxious-attached and obsessive, so I have been writing the same screenplay for 3 years. And like, I’m avoidant, so I can never meet my deadlines because what if they reject me? My dedication and love for my art is why I have 16 unread texts from 5 different women I met at the MJ Lenderman show. 

It’s really cool, you know, that I’m a multihypenate. At least, I thought it was cool until I realized that being a multihypenate is lowkey kind of just being a jack of all trades, a master of none. And that makes me think of my ex because she really loved Beach House and that song “Master of None”. No, wait, I’m thinking of the other blonde one. No, the other one. Or maybe she’s brunette. 

I’m anxious avoidant just because I have too much love to give. Like, honestly, it’s kind of special that I can have such a close connection with so many people.

One of my many exes gave me a different multihypenate label, which was “manipulative-gaslighting-love bomber,” but honestly, I think I’m a nice guy. I treat women really well and tell them really nice things. Who doesn’t want to hear nice things like, “I’ve never met anyone like you,” and “you remind me so much of my favorite ex-girlfriend that I still see every month for coffee,” and “I’d like to see you again” right before I leave for a 2-month-long work trip. Or maybe I said I got mono? We’re not meant to keep track of all these things, really. 

Hey, you know, I’ve learned a lot in therapy. About my relationship patterns. I think it’s good to learn about yourself. It’s been really helpful. I met a really great therapist, and I’ve been seeing them three times a week. It’s been fun, but now that I’ve received the feedback that I might be the problem, I might lowkey just ghost her. 

Bassist Continues Pretending to Know What ‘Playing in the Pocket’ Means

Posted on by Tim Graham

MACON, Ga. — Lionel Quinn, bassist for local band Busted Hump, has no plans to reveal his ignorance of the term to his bandmates for fear of being ridiculed, sources confirm.

“I’ve heard the phrase a bunch of times, but somehow I never learned what ‘playing in the pocket’ actually means,” said Quinn. “I sort of get the idea, but how that translates to what I’m playing on bass is a total mystery to me. You may be saying, ‘Why don’t you just look it up?’ Trust me, I have, but it still makes no sense, and ChatGPT just said ‘Ask again later’ like a magic 8 ball when I asked it to summarize. Everyone seems to have a different definition. I’m just lucky no one’s called me out on it so far.”

Busted Hump’s drummer Phil Kendrick has nothing but praise for Quinn’s playing.


“Lionel and I make up the rhythm section of the band,” said Kendrick while twirling a drumstick. “He has this amazing ability to play in the pocket. The two of us just lock in and get right in that pocket together. Before shows I’ll sometimes say, ‘Let’s really play in the pocket tonight, okay?’ Or when we’re jamming I’ll yell, ‘We’re really in the pocket!’ He usually just smiles sheepishly because he’s too modest to accept compliments. There’s really no one else I’d rather be in the pocket with. I actually like to refer to Lionel and I as The Pocket Bros. That’s how in the pocket we are.”

Venerated session bassist Ernie Sweat says he’s heard a lot of strange musical terms over his long career that made no sense to him.

“I’ve been a studio musician for four decades and I’ve played with all the greats. You better believe I’ve heard all the wacko rock and roll slang and idioms under the sun,” said Sweat. “I’ve never had any clue what these fools are saying. I mean, sure, I know the difference between a lick and a riff I guess. But one time Ronnie Wood asked me to do a ‘banging swallop’ during the prechorus on some song. I just gave a thumbs up. Whatever I did must’ve been good enough because the check cleared after the session.”

At press time, Quinn was overheard responding with a meek, “Thanks, man,” after being complimented for playing “behind the beat” so well after a gig.

Memorial Bench Fucked On

Posted on by Matt Husser

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — A stroll in the park took a salacious turn today after one passerby witnessed a couple fucking on a memorial bench, sources confirmed.

“I can’t believe that someone would desecrate a memorial bench by having sex on it—I mean I could understand fucking somewhere romantic like a cemetary rose garden, but a hard bench in the middle of a park?” said Jon Bryson, stopping his morning jog to give a statement. “I had to spray them with my water bottle to get them to stop fucking like alleycats. According to the plaque, Clarence Birmingham was a beloved husband, father, and grandfather and these sick bastards just sprayed a firehose of bodily fluids all over his memory.”

Despite the public outcry, Birmingham’s grandson was reportedly touched by the raunchy public show of affection.

“Grandpa always was a bricked-up horndog, and his final wish was to give back to his neighborhood and provide a sturdy place where regular people from all walks of life could engage in risky public sex. I know that right now he’s up there in heaven smiling, erection in hand, dry jacking it to a couple of straight up freaks slammin’ hams on his memorial bench,” said Tom Birmingham, polishing the plaque to a sheen with astroglide. “Every year on the day he passed, we leave some condoms and porno mags on the memorial bench and wheel Grandma out to the bushes so she can watch some hot honey holes get demolished in Grandpa’s memory.”

Parks groundskeeper Greg Baldinger was committed to stopping the unsanctioned public intercourse.

“We’ve tried everything to stop people from fucking on this bench, but the local pervert community is insatiable. First we put up a lightpost, but folks just threw a sheer cloth over it for some mood lighting. Then we installed anti-fornication spikes, but that just brought out the BDSM crowd,” said Baldinger, pressure washing the bench. “Every night I hear these deviants howling like a dog in heat, you know I’ve broken up three orgies this week? But every time they just scurry off naked into the night, only to return to their carnal fuckfest the minute I leave. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that not once have they invited me to join in for some sexual tusslin’ in the romantic moonlight.”

At press time, the Birmingham family had since gathered to spread Grandpa Clarence’s ashes near the glory hole at the local swinger’s club where he first met his beloved wife.

Girl on Cover of Lagwagon’s “Let’s Talk About Feelings” Becomes Prom Queen After Taking off Glasses and Letting Down Hair

Posted on by Steve Packosky

GOLETA, Calif. — Margaret Nerdstrom, the girl featured on the album cover of skate punk band Lagwagon’s 1998 album “Let’s Talk About Feelings,” became prom queen shortly after letting her hair down and taking off her glasses, sources report.

“I was always a bit of a bookish outcast,” Nerdstrom admitted. “I kept to myself and spent most of my time reading and arranging the rubber bands in my braces. Then one day, the most popular guy in school approached me and asked me out to prom. I was completely blown away, but we got to know each other and before I knew it, I had morphed into the most gorgeous girl in our class after letting my hair down and removing my glasses. You should have seen his face when he saw me walking down the stairs in my new dress. I knew right then and there that I was definitely going to win prom queen.”

Nerdstrom’s date, Dirk Hunkin, provided his side of the story.

“I was going to go to prom with Stacey Babish, who’s the captain of the cheerleading squad,” Hunkin provided. “However, my best friend Chad Dumbbell bet me $500 that I couldn’t take the biggest dog in our class and turn her into the prom queen, and I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to shove it in his face. However, as I got to know Margaret, I found myself really falling for her. I know she’s going to win prom queen tonight, but I certainly hope she’s not going to find out that she’s a bet.”

Dumbbell had different plans for Nerdstrom.

“I can’t believe Dirk got the best of me and turned Margaret into a total smokeshow,” Dumbbell lamented. “We had always placed bets about who could score with the biggest babes in school, but I switched things up with that last wager. He may have won, but I’ll show him. As soon as Margaret is declared prom queen tonight, I’m going to tell her that Dirk is only with her because of the bet. And I know Dirk said he has actual feelings for her, but there’s no way he’s actually got the hots for such a dweeb. He’ll come to his senses afterwards. Trust me.”

At press time, Hunkin had shown up at Nerdstrom’s house and told her he loved her after she stormed out of prom upon hearing about the bet.

Opinion: Now I Only Use Facebook for Marketplace and to Alert My Loved Ones That the White Race Is Under Attack

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Remember back in the day when Facebook was a genuinely useful social tool for keeping in touch with old friends and family members, coordinating attendance to upcoming concerts, and posting photos of our children and pets? Now it seems like the platform is utilized solely to perpetuate clickbaiting hate that only serves to drive our divided nation further and further apart. Well, I for one have had enough. That’s why I’ve personally sworn to only use Facebook for Marketplace going forward. That, and to alert my loved ones that the white race is facing genocide.

I mean it, too. Gone are the days when I would post daily updates about how work is going or how much I’m loving the newest episode of Game of Thrones. I’m not going to contribute to this cycle of degeneracy any further. I’ll go onto Facebook when I finally get around to selling the old air hockey table that’s gathering dust in the basement, or to share a video of Tucker Carlson talking about how Democrats are encouraging more immigration in order to leverage political power by replacing “legacy Americans” amongst the electorate. It’s been tough to kick my Facebook habit and only use it for these essential purposes, but I really feel like I’m taking the high road. 

Really, what are we accomplishing with this endless bickering on a social media website owned by some dead-eyed billionaire who’s only grown wealthier as a result of our hostility towards one another? I say enough is enough. Sure, Facebook can still be useful when we’re looking for cheap baby clothes, second-hand wicker furniture, or an absurdly inappropriate warning against mixed-race marriage accompanied by misleading census statistics claiming that native-born Americans will make up less than half of the U.S. population within the next two decades, but anything else is completely unnecessary given how toxic we know this social networking service to be.

I believe such actions are imperative if we want a better world for our children, because the status quo is simply not conducive to a peaceful existence for future generations. We can reduce Facebook to a mere shopping/white supremacy app, but only if we work together. So who’s with me?

Goth Wandering Around During Daytime Must Have Rabies

Posted on by Matt Husser

SAN DIEGO — Bystanders were reportedly concerned after a wayward goth wandering around during the daytime triggered speculation that they might have rabies, sources confirmed.

“Oh that poor goth looked so lost and disoriented by the bright sunshine, I’ve never seen one wandering around at this time of day before. I better keep my distance in case it has rabies, I hear if you get bit you’ll become infected with a painful goth phase, like that kid from ‘Home Improvement’ or Garth Brooks,” said concerned bystander Katie Benson, dialing 911. “Hopefully they’re just shooting a Tim Burton movie somewhere nearby, but I don’t see Helena Bonham Carter anywhere so I think it’s best not to take any chances.”

Local goth Veronica Cornwall began to notice people were acting strangely around her during a trip to buy groceries.

“I don’t know why people are being so weird today, I just went to the farmer’s market to pick up some veggies and everyone is acting like I bit the head off an organic, ethically-sourced bat. I’m used to getting judgemental looks from Karens and kids running away from me, but this is the first time I’ve had people trying to capture me with nets,” said Cornwall, hiding from the police underneath a cruelty-free honey stand. “If I can just make a run for that dumpster full of leftover Halloween decorations over there I might be able to blend in amongst the ghouls—I knew I should have worn my Docs instead of these damn platform boots.”

Goth expert Stephen Beauford claimed that while spotting a goth out during the day was not necessarily a sign of rabies, the public should still exercise caution.

“It can sometimes be alarming to see goths outside of their natural habitat, but many of them have been driven from their spooky warehouse raves when the buildings were taken over by craft breweries and co-working spaces,” said Beuford. “With nowhere left to go, they can sometimes get disoriented in the bright sunlight and overheat in their layers of dark clothing. If you see a goth during the day and want to help, you can try to leave some red wine in a saucer so they can rehydrate. But I have to stress that the worst thing you can do is approach them yourselves, or you run the risk of getting spiked by some sharp jewelry.”

At press time, authorities had successfully lured Cornwall with a Sisters of Mercy vinyl before capturing and releasing her into a more suitable habitat in Portland.