Quinn Brown, Author at HARDTIMES

I May Have Physically Outweighed Sam Neill by Several Thousand Lbs, but When It Comes to Talent He Was a Giant — Guest Obituary by the T.rex From Jurassic Park

Posted on July 13, 2026July 13, 2026 by Zack Zagranis

It is in the mouth of sadness that I find myself today. My esteemed Co-star and close friend, Sir Nigel John Dermot Neill, has sadly passed away at the age of 78. You likely know him as Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park, the film that made both of us household names. Sam was not a large man, not that anyone looks particularly large when you’re 20ft tall and weigh close to 20,000 lbs, but when it comes to talent, he was a giant among men.

I recall when I first met Sam back in 1992 on the first day of shooting Jurassic Park. I was inexperienced; my single-screen credit was a blink-and-you’ll miss it cameo in The Land Before Time. Sam, on the other hand, had just done The Hunt for Red October and was, as they say in Hollywood, “hot shit.” We were shooting the scene where the cups of water vibrate on the dashboard of the truck. I was nervous and kept either stepping too lightly to make the water ripple or stomping so hard the cup went flying off the dashboard altogether. Steven Spielberg was so enraged that he was threatening to call Japan and have them send over a kaiju to replace me.

Suddenly, I feel a calming hand on my left hindquarter. I look down, and there’s Sam Neill. He smiled at me and, with a kindness in his voice unmatched by any other actor alive or dead, said, “It’s ok. You can do this. Don’t act like you’re shaking the cup, shake the cup.” In that moment, I just unlocked as an actor completely. I nailed the next take, and Spielberg told me that was the best vibration he had filmed since Robert Shaw collapsed drunk on the set of Jaws.

That was Sam for you! A heart so big it could choke a brachiosaurus. Just the nicest man I ever worked with. Sam didn’t come back for Jurassic Park 2, and it’s a pity because I had to work with that insufferable flake, Jeff Goldblum. I still say a sexy voice and a weird delivery are not enough to base a career on, but I digress.

Thank god Sam came back for Jurassic Park 3 because one more movie with Goldblum and I probably would have ended up eating him like that goat I devoured in the first movie. Once again, Sam was a delight and the best part of working on the film. I remember on the second-to-last day of shooting, we switched wardrobes—I put on Sam’s hat, and he had his arms medically shortened—and we waited to see how long it would take the cast and crew to notice.

To this day, William H. Macy is still none the wiser!

I only had the privilege of working with Sam on the Jurassic Park films, but his career is so much larger than Dr. Grant. “Possession” is one of the most powerful art films about divorce ever made, and “Event Horizon” was easily the best Sci-fi horror film since “Aliens.” He starred in John Carpenter’s most underrated movie, and in “The Omen 3”, well, HE was good IN it. Basically, he was to acting what I am to sheer mass — huge and ferocious. It didn’t matter if he was the lead in a blockbuster or just support in a B-movie— when you hired Sam Neil, you got a Tyrannosaurus’s worth of talent.

Over the years, Sam and I kept in touch. He was there when I got my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame — the best day of my life, the school bus full of orphans I accidentally crushed getting down low enough to put my tiny hands in the cement, not withstanding — and I attended his Knighting ceremony in 2022.

Sam’s passing has left a hole deep within my being that no amount of goats or lawyers can fill. I’ll miss you Sammy boy. The world was a better place with you in it!

Man Who Lived Fast, Died Young Leaves Surprisingly Ugly Corpse

Posted on July 13, 2026July 8, 2026 by Adam Frost-Venrick

DENVER — Local man Scott Bumstead died this week, following a brief battle with living fast, leaving behind what has been described as “a rather ugly corpse,” confirmed sources during the open casket funeral.

“I think we all should’ve seen it coming,” said Bumstead’s on-again, off-again girlfriend Beth Nedwell. “I think Scott always deified rock stars like Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison who were sort of these tragic figures who were also hot. I know Scott really wanted to join the 27 Club. It’s just that 27 came and went and he wasn’t famous, talented, or even attractive. He just sat around huffing paint and picking fights at bars. It’s sad really, the way he went and even sadder that his corpse looks more or less like the Elephant Man.”

Still, many have gathered to mourn the passing of a young life too soon extinguished.

“Scott was always reckless,” said Anthony Royce, Bumstead’s childhood best friend. “We used to watch ‘Jackass’ and just laugh and laugh and laugh. But I would always pay attention to the warning that came up when Johnny Knoxville told us and our dumb little buddies not to try this at home. I listened. But Scott never did. Nor did he ever moisturize. That probably would’ve helped the look of his bloated dead face.”

Michael Zweig, the coroner who performed Bumstead’s autopsy, provided some insight on the unsightly corpse.

“Well, the fact of the matter is most people who live fast and die young do not leave beautiful corpses,” said Zweig. “Take this young man in question. He may have assumed it was ever so funny, ever so jolly, ever so delightful to do six boiler-makers and then break into an adult trampoline park after close. But the result is very different. And then I’ve got a guy with his neck bones stuck out like the Sidney Opera House and number three in his drawers to clean up on a Monday morning. Number three is when the body dies and discharges from the front and back. But it reverses, so the brown comes out the front and the yellow comes out the back.”

At press time, Bumstead’s earthly remains were being lowered into the sweet bowels of mother earth who bore him, only for the combing pressure of all the pins holding his body in its proper shape to snap and send him spinning out of the coffin like a jack-in-the-box onto his grandmother in the front pew.

If Neutral Milk Hotel Is Such a Great Band, Why Is Their Rating on Tripadvisor So Low?

Posted on July 13, 2026July 8, 2026 by Kyle Donley

Their cult status and critically acclaimed albums have landed them at the top of lists curated by the likes of Pitchfork and Stereogum, but in the world of hospitality, the Neutral Milk Hotel is only ranked the 198th best lodging destination in Lawrence, KS. Woof! But how could such a beloved indie band make for such a mediocre boutique hotel? Surely if Jeff Mangum could manage to write all those wonderfully quirky songs, surely he could manage a meager 45-room property with a limited food and beverage program. And yet, The Neutral Milk Hotel remains the single lowest-ranked property ever produced by the Elephant 6 collective. This place makes of Montreal’s humble bed-and-breakfast look like the Ritz-Carlton. So what gives?

Since its inception, the hotel has been a bit of a curiosity. Initially thought of as a conceptual piece for a double album that was ultimately scrapped, the brick-and-mortar facsimile has surprisingly outlasted the actual band, even though it’s largely reviled by travelers across the globe. Perhaps one of the primary reasons for the hotel’s poor reputation is the band’s dogged insistence on operating the property themselves instead of outsourcing to a hotel management company or simply walking away from the building and never going back.

As flugelhorn player and director of housekeeping Scott Spillane tells it, “We weren’t certain the band was going to make it, so we all felt it would be wise to have something more practical to fall back on, like running a hotel with no help or prior experience. I mean, what else are four guys with creative arts degrees supposed to do with their lives?”

Sadly, 25 years in the industry have done little to improve Neutral Milk Hotel’s ability to sell the public on the Neutral Milk Hotel. The whole thing seems very confused, and honestly pretty clearly displays why the double album got scrapped. There’s a needlessly heavy milk theme throughout, as evidenced by the milk fountain in the lobby and a swim-up milk bar that patrons have called “disgusting.” But if you can tolerate the milk smells, the hotel is not that dissimilar to your average 2-star budget property, except for the price, of course, which is much higher.

As one can imagine, the reviews have been unkind, with travellers referring to the property as “just a Motel 6 but with way more milk” and “the worst thing Merge has put out since the Zooey Deschanel albums.” As one reviewer notes, “They don’t even play Neutral Milk Hotel in the fucking Neutral Milk Hotel! It’s all muzak versions of Coldplay and Meghan Trainor songs.”

While it may not be everyone’s cup of milk, you have to hand it to the band — at a time when selling out was expected, they did the complete opposite by running a putrid hotel that made them way less successful and effectively ended their musical careers. So even if you cannot get a good night’s sleep at the Neutral Milk Hotel, take solace in knowing they are just as miserable as the rest of us.

Heart Reveal They Were Challenged To Name Five of Their Own Songs Before Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction

Posted on July 13, 2026July 8, 2026 by Arielle Andreano

CLEVELAND — Classic rock band Heart revealed that they were challenged to name five of their own songs before they were allowed to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2013, sources from the group recently confirmed.

“We thought we were just there for an inductees celebration luncheon and then out of nowhere came some guy in a fedora and a band tee,” shared Heart singer Ann Wilson. “We thought he had broken in but he started recording our answers on a clipboard. He really almost wouldn’t let us in because Nancy just laughed at him and I was stuttering. I mean, I couldn’t even name what I had for breakfast if some fucking random dweeb jumped out of nowhere and grilled me about it. But eventually we named five. Funny enough, we completely forgot about ‘Crazy On You.’”

Reactions from the other inductees from 2013 rolled in as the news broke.

“No, nobody asked me that,” shared Randy Newman. “Which is good because I’m not sure I could name that many songs of mine. I don’t even remember writing ‘Short People.’ It’s weird. I’m not even that tall. I mean, 5’11” isn’t short but it’s not exactly statuesque. I brought my keyboard though so I could write a new song now, if you wanted. It’s about how reporters have no reason to live. But no, I don’t remember being asked that. Definitely some sexist shit.”

Representatives from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame commented on the incident.

“Yeah, it’s a shameful part of our past we don’t like to think too much about. We haven’t employed That Guy since 2017 due to changing attitudes around women and all that stuff. That was his official title: That Guy,” said Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Executive Vice President Jon Landau. “Melissa Etheridge punched him in the face on behalf of Janis Joplin when we posthumously inducted her. But he said he was fine to keep going as long as we gave him hazard pay. Now that we’ve gotten rid of his position we use the extra funds to make pink Rock and Roll Hall of Fame shirts for ladies. I mean we sell them and make a huge profit, too. It’s not like we’re doing it for charity or whatever.”

At press time, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced they were bringing That Guy back due to recent overwhelming popularity of sexism.

Raw Milk Advocate Now Diarrhea Advocate

Posted on July 12, 2026July 8, 2026 by S.L. Neechski

EAST TROY, Wis. — Content creator and raw milk advocate Chaz Mossner announced his advocacy of diarrhea today via TikTok live stream, massively dehydrated sources confirmed.

“As my hundred of thousands of followers know, government regulation is bullshit,” declared Mossner, sitting on the toilet for the third consecutive hour. “I believe in food freedom. If I want to drink raw milk filled with so-called ‘pathogens,’ that’s my right. It’s in the Constitution, look it up. Literally no one can tell me what I can and can’t do to my body. The explosive diarrhea is just a sign that my body craves unpasteurized liquids.”

Longtime Mossner follower and MAHA supporter Brayden Peterson discussed the benefits of raw milk.

“Bruh, I drink raw milk so my body literally shits out all the toxins on the daily,” said Peterson, his stomach gurgling loudly. “Listen, my body’s in a constant state of flux. And by ‘flux,’ I mean I’m constantly shitting my goddamn brains out. Total efficiency. Everything out, all the time. Can’t get food poisoning if you can’t digest anything. Chaz taught me the value of having liquid bowel movements several times per day, including incredible weight loss. These abs are all natty, bruh, and all it takes is the frequent risk of shitting my pants at work.”

Epidemiologist Dr. Ann Blihovde explained the foolishness of this new health trend.

“Dangerous health fads like raw milk or MAHA are just grifts, pure and simple,” argued Dr. Blihovde. “And they always hurt the followers rather than the influencers and advocates because the latter are mostly doing it performatively or ironically for content. Look at those maxxing idiots. They don’t believe any of this nonsense, but their followers eat—or, in this case, drink—it up and wind up in the emergency room. Influencers are grifters, and we live in the golden age of grifting. That said, even if you’re giving yourself explosive diarrhea ironically or to prove a point, you’re still giving yourself explosive diarrhea.”

At press time, Mossner suggested drinking syrup of ipecac as a potential alternative to raw milk in the event that “they” step in and take away citizens’ food freedom.

Looksmaxxing? This Punk Took a Shower

Posted on July 12, 2026July 8, 2026 by Trevor Graham

By now, you’ve more than likely heard of looksmaxxing, the dangerous internet trend where men document the extremes they go to in order to appear more masculine. Chances are, you’ve engaged in watching these deranged incels literally mutilate themselves as a sort of guilty pleasure. Unfortunately, the trend is beginning to spread to other subcultures.

Derek “Squirrel Bones” Leonard, a punk who has boasted about not buying toilet paper in a decade, recently revealed via an Instagram reel that, despite his long-standing crust punk ethos, he has actually taken a shower. Time to sound the alarm bells.

In the normie world, looksmaxxing means doing things like excessive working out or bashing the bones in your face to make your jaw wider, but in the punk world, not wanting to reek of stale beer and vomit is enough to raise concerns about your mental well-being. If you’re a regular user of the shower (gross!), you may be asking yourself, “What’s the big deal?” The fact of the matter is, the skin of a crust punk is an incredibly delicate ecosystem. Just one quick lather of soap can undo a lifetime of balance between lice, fungus, and various bacteria.

Now that he has washed away decades of filth and is no longer surrounded by a cloud of buzzing flies, Derek claims he is attracting more attention from women, but any coupling that results from showering is doomed to fail. No amount of grooming is going to make a lifelong crust punk compatible with a woman who drinks coffee from an insulated mug and has a 401K, health insurance, and a stable future to look forward to.

What are you doing, Derek?! What’s next? Dental hygiene? Non-alcoholic beverages? Moving out of your car and into an apartment? Where does this madness end?

While us real punks sit here in our putrid smell and our missing teeth, the Dereks of the world would have us believe that we’re actually getting too old to live like this anymore, and that this nihilistic lifestyle we started when we were much younger, before our brains were fully formed, is not actually sustainable now that we are becoming adults, and that we need to reevaluate our lives and the choices we make before it’s too late. Pathetic.

If you believe someone you know is at risk of showering, we urge you to do the right thing and get them PBR drunk as soon as humanely possible.

Drummer Not Interviewed

Posted on July 12, 2026July 8, 2026 by Jeff Bender

GRETNA, La. — In an interview with pop-punk quartet Nuevo Leon, rock journalist Sophia Tang absolutely stonewalled the band’s drummer, choosing instead to spotlight their lead singer, guitarist, and bassist, unfazed sources reported.

“I just can’t believe I got these three visionaries in one room at the same time,” said Tang, whose work focuses largely on musicians who stand upright and downstage. “It’s amazing to see artists with such a strong sense of collaboration and no ego. Every song they write is credited equally to these three, and I even got them all to sign a poster for my niece—after, of course, we Xacto-knifed the weird guy in the back.”

Drummer Steve Arizona revealed he was present at the time of the interview but “pretty tied up” taking care of chores.

“Yeah, there’s always stuff to do during downtime when we’re not touring or recording. I had to sweep the rehearsal space, wash the dishes, load the van, offer the interviewer a drink, offer the band a drink, and buy a gift for our tour manager whose birthday’s coming up,” said the band’s founder. “At one point I was caught lingering because I knew the answer to the question. [Tang] had asked the meaning behind our hit song ‘Kurtzville,’ which I wrote. I tried to butt in, but I was shushed and had to stand by while our frontman guessed his way through an answer.”

Foo Fighters’ lead singer Dave Grohl said the drummer “snub” didn’t surprise him at all.

“I couldn’t believe the metamorphosis that took place when I moved from drums to vocals. It was like entering a portal into a new world,” said the drummer-turned-fronman. “Suddenly I was getting invited to parties, giving advice to young musicians, signing autographs, and even getting calls from my mom—who’d finally told her friends I was in the music biz. Nirvana was possibly the greatest grunge band of all time, but nobody cared about me until I stepped out from behind the drums. It gave me a greater appreciation for drummers everywhere and taught me never to take them for granted.”

At press time, Grohl was writing a heartfelt thank-you letter to his drummer but had snagged on trying to remember his name.

Right-Wing Evangelical Thought Leader Assures Followers They Don’t Have To Tolerate Jewish People To Find Israel’s Ethno-Religious Apartheid Appealing

Posted on July 11, 2026July 8, 2026 by Tim Sheard

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Pastor Ned Hendry of the New Life in the Living and Loving Waters of Jesus Church in Lynchburg assured his followers that American Evangelicals can still find Israel’s ethno-religious apartheid system appealing without the burden of liking Jewish people, confirmed sources.

“Sometimes, game has to recognize game even if they don’t like it,” said Hendry. “I can be a Bible-thumping red-blooded Christian who thinks the average Jewish person is in a conspiracy against him and still recognize that the Zionist movement is one of the most effective apartheid movements since the liberals dismantled the beautiful, beautiful state of Rhodesia. That’s why I always tell my followers they don’t have to get palsy-walsy with the J-O-Os to appreciate the construction of a religion and race-based ethnostate. We’ll build a new one here. And we’ll do it without those types of people.”

This is a message that Hendry’s flock has embraced with open arms, open ears and closed minds.

“I was so relieved to hear him say that,” said congregant Pamela Grant. “I like the idea of a society that oppresses people based on identity. And I like the idea that returning the Jewish people to Israel will trigger the Christian rapture; an idea that makes almost too much sense. But the thought of getting buddy-buddy with people of other religions and other viewpoints makes me uncomfortable. There’s very little room in my theology for tolerance of others.”

Hendry’s messaging has even resonated in top levels of government, with a senator who chose to remain anonymous.

“It just warms my heart to see America’s Christian-Right begrudgingly pretending to have always been on good terms with Jewish people,” said the senator. “It lets us pretend we’re the non-racist ones despite decades of evidence to the contrary while also spurring on a culture war between Jews and Muslims that should play out just nicely in our favor.”

At press time, Hendry was writing a letter to Congress asking to include copies of the “Ned Hendry New and Enhanced Sing Along Bible” in all the arms shipments going to Tel Aviv in the hopes that “old Bibi might switch over.”

Yeah, Trump Is Bad, but Things Would Be Much Worse Under Bill Goldberg — Guest Post by Bret Hart

Posted on July 11, 2026July 8, 2026 by Ian Steffé

Look, I know things are hard for you. Gas prices are high. Groceries are worse. Everything feels expensive, unstable, and like the world is held together barely. I get that frustration. But that does not mean we should ever consider Bill Goldberg for president. That’s for sure.

We need to be clear about this. Bill Goldberg is not just a bad idea. Bill Goldberg is a very specific kind of bad idea. And while people argue about Donald Trump, at least Donald Trump wrote things. About deals. You may not like them, but Donald Trump produced words, thoughts, and sentences, and it became a book. You wanna know what Bill Goldberg’s deal was? Bill Goldberg draws pictures of Bill Goldberg with speech bubbles that say, “I am awesome.” That is not policy. That’s Bill Goldberg.

It’s going to get worse if you still love Bill Goldberg. Foreign policy? This is serious. We are dealing with wars, alliances, trade routes, and global instability. You need someone who can sit in a room and think before acting. You do not put Bill Goldberg in a meeting with world leaders because Bill Goldberg is going to forget where Bill Goldberg is, stand up too fast, and accidentally kick someone in the head out of pure muscle memory. Suddenly, Angela Merkel has to retire because Bill Goldberg kicked Angela Merkel in the head. Don’t shoot the messenger. Bill Goldberg is no Disco Inferno. I like Disco Inferno. To my knowledge, Disco Inferno never kicked nobody in the head. Not like Bill Goldberg.

Then there is the Strait of Hormuz. You do not want that controlled by instinct and shoulder tackles. You want planning, briefings, and strategy. Bill Goldberg only has one strategy, and that is walking forward and asking who is next. Bill Goldberg would just headbutt a few Iranians, get tired, and get paid. That works in wrestling. Barely. But in America, we expect results. Like not getting a concussion. From Bill Goldberg.

I mean, compare Bill Goldberg to history. George W. Bush read briefings. George W. Bush asked questions. Abraham Lincoln held the country together through patience and moral clarity. Bill Goldberg once forgot what Bill Goldberg was saying mid-sentence, ran into a production crate, and gave Bill Goldberg a concussion. That is not the same category of skill.

And that is really the point.

Because in the end, Bill Goldberg is not a solution to anything.

Bill Goldberg is a 0 out of 10.

Fuck Bill Goldberg.

Bill Goldberg.

…Bill Goldberg.

Kerry King Inspires Man to Uselessly Fuck Around on Guitar for 40 Years

Posted on July 11, 2026July 8, 2026 by Rob Ryder

WESTMINSTER, Md. — Slayer guitarist Kerry King reportedly inspired local man Evan Tremont to uselessly fuck around on the guitar for the next four decades of his life, report concerned friends and family.

“I’ve wanted to play guitar for years, but as a metal fan, it can be pretty intimidating to think I could ever play music like this,” said Tremont while nervously picking a single note at 320 beats per minute. “When I heard Slayer and their trademark rapid picking while haphazardly catching a few dissonant notes in quick succession while cranking a wah pedal back and forth at seemingly random intervals, it all seemed very possible. I could just envision the years flying by and not learning a god damn thing about this instrument I’ll dedicate my life to.”

Tremont’s girlfriend Rebecca Thomas was less enthusiastic about the plan, and was hoping at some point he might try to improve even just a little bit.

“I’m really not sure how much longer I can take this shit,” said Thomas while searching Amazon for noise-cancelling headphones. “He keeps coming up to me and saying he learned a new song, then proceeds to just dick around all over the neck without any clue what the fuck he’s doing. It’s really shaken my plans for the future, this isn’t a phase, he’s settling in and it’s never going to get better.”

King, who saw a short clip of Tremont playing, was immediately impressed.

“For a guy that’s only practiced for like 15 minutes he seems to have all the tools he needs, he sounded really good,” said King while dusting off his guitar which sat unused for several months despite being literally within reach of his spot on the couch. “He was shredding on ‘Raining Blood,’ so fast I could barely even make it out…or maybe it was ‘South of Heaven’? Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter. If this guy approaches this with no plan, zero determination and absolutely no desire to practice, he could one day uselessly fuck around on the guitar for 40 years just like me.”

At press time, Tremont was suddenly inspired by Meg White to try his hand at fucking around on drums for 3o years or so.

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