Girl on Cover of Lagwagon’s “Let’s Talk About Feelings” Becomes Prom Queen After Taking off Glasses and Letting Down Hair

Posted on by Steve Packosky

GOLETA, Calif. — Margaret Nerdstrom, the girl featured on the album cover of skate punk band Lagwagon’s 1998 album “Let’s Talk About Feelings,” became prom queen shortly after letting her hair down and taking off her glasses, sources report.

“I was always a bit of a bookish outcast,” Nerdstrom admitted. “I kept to myself and spent most of my time reading and arranging the rubber bands in my braces. Then one day, the most popular guy in school approached me and asked me out to prom. I was completely blown away, but we got to know each other and before I knew it, I had morphed into the most gorgeous girl in our class after letting my hair down and removing my glasses. You should have seen his face when he saw me walking down the stairs in my new dress. I knew right then and there that I was definitely going to win prom queen.”

Nerdstrom’s date, Dirk Hunkin, provided his side of the story.

“I was going to go to prom with Stacey Babish, who’s the captain of the cheerleading squad,” Hunkin provided. “However, my best friend Chad Dumbbell bet me $500 that I couldn’t take the biggest dog in our class and turn her into the prom queen, and I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to shove it in his face. However, as I got to know Margaret, I found myself really falling for her. I know she’s going to win prom queen tonight, but I certainly hope she’s not going to find out that she’s a bet.”

Dumbbell had different plans for Nerdstrom.

“I can’t believe Dirk got the best of me and turned Margaret into a total smokeshow,” Dumbbell lamented. “We had always placed bets about who could score with the biggest babes in school, but I switched things up with that last wager. He may have won, but I’ll show him. As soon as Margaret is declared prom queen tonight, I’m going to tell her that Dirk is only with her because of the bet. And I know Dirk said he has actual feelings for her, but there’s no way he’s actually got the hots for such a dweeb. He’ll come to his senses afterwards. Trust me.”

At press time, Hunkin had shown up at Nerdstrom’s house and told her he loved her after she stormed out of prom upon hearing about the bet.

Opinion: Now I Only Use Facebook for Marketplace and to Alert My Loved Ones That the White Race Is Under Attack

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Remember back in the day when Facebook was a genuinely useful social tool for keeping in touch with old friends and family members, coordinating attendance to upcoming concerts, and posting photos of our children and pets? Now it seems like the platform is utilized solely to perpetuate clickbaiting hate that only serves to drive our divided nation further and further apart. Well, I for one have had enough. That’s why I’ve personally sworn to only use Facebook for Marketplace going forward. That, and to alert my loved ones that the white race is facing genocide.

I mean it, too. Gone are the days when I would post daily updates about how work is going or how much I’m loving the newest episode of Game of Thrones. I’m not going to contribute to this cycle of degeneracy any further. I’ll go onto Facebook when I finally get around to selling the old air hockey table that’s gathering dust in the basement, or to share a video of Tucker Carlson talking about how Democrats are encouraging more immigration in order to leverage political power by replacing “legacy Americans” amongst the electorate. It’s been tough to kick my Facebook habit and only use it for these essential purposes, but I really feel like I’m taking the high road. 

Really, what are we accomplishing with this endless bickering on a social media website owned by some dead-eyed billionaire who’s only grown wealthier as a result of our hostility towards one another? I say enough is enough. Sure, Facebook can still be useful when we’re looking for cheap baby clothes, second-hand wicker furniture, or an absurdly inappropriate warning against mixed-race marriage accompanied by misleading census statistics claiming that native-born Americans will make up less than half of the U.S. population within the next two decades, but anything else is completely unnecessary given how toxic we know this social networking service to be.

I believe such actions are imperative if we want a better world for our children, because the status quo is simply not conducive to a peaceful existence for future generations. We can reduce Facebook to a mere shopping/white supremacy app, but only if we work together. So who’s with me?

Goth Wandering Around During Daytime Must Have Rabies

Posted on by Matt Husser

SAN DIEGO — Bystanders were reportedly concerned after a wayward goth wandering around during the daytime triggered speculation that they might have rabies, sources confirmed.

“Oh that poor goth looked so lost and disoriented by the bright sunshine, I’ve never seen one wandering around at this time of day before. I better keep my distance in case it has rabies, I hear if you get bit you’ll become infected with a painful goth phase, like that kid from ‘Home Improvement’ or Garth Brooks,” said concerned bystander Katie Benson, dialing 911. “Hopefully they’re just shooting a Tim Burton movie somewhere nearby, but I don’t see Helena Bonham Carter anywhere so I think it’s best not to take any chances.”

Local goth Veronica Cornwall began to notice people were acting strangely around her during a trip to buy groceries.

“I don’t know why people are being so weird today, I just went to the farmer’s market to pick up some veggies and everyone is acting like I bit the head off an organic, ethically-sourced bat. I’m used to getting judgemental looks from Karens and kids running away from me, but this is the first time I’ve had people trying to capture me with nets,” said Cornwall, hiding from the police underneath a cruelty-free honey stand. “If I can just make a run for that dumpster full of leftover Halloween decorations over there I might be able to blend in amongst the ghouls—I knew I should have worn my Docs instead of these damn platform boots.”

Goth expert Stephen Beauford claimed that while spotting a goth out during the day was not necessarily a sign of rabies, the public should still exercise caution.

“It can sometimes be alarming to see goths outside of their natural habitat, but many of them have been driven from their spooky warehouse raves when the buildings were taken over by craft breweries and co-working spaces,” said Beuford. “With nowhere left to go, they can sometimes get disoriented in the bright sunlight and overheat in their layers of dark clothing. If you see a goth during the day and want to help, you can try to leave some red wine in a saucer so they can rehydrate. But I have to stress that the worst thing you can do is approach them yourselves, or you run the risk of getting spiked by some sharp jewelry.”

At press time, authorities had successfully lured Cornwall with a Sisters of Mercy vinyl before capturing and releasing her into a more suitable habitat in Portland.

Pete Hegseth Denies Damning Reports That He Got The Name Of Metallica’s First Album Wrong

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth continues to adamantly deny multiple claims that he thought Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All was called Kill Everyone, insisting that he was merely ordering a non-metal-related war crime. 

“I want to be 100% crystal clear on this: The Department of War is metal as fuck,” said a defensive Hegseth during a press conference early this morning. “The notion that I could confuse the name of Metallica’s debut album is an insult to me, an insult to the armed services, and an insult to the ideals this nation was founded on. Once again, the liberal Marxist media machine has taken my words and spun them out of context. I was simply giving a military order that clearly violates international law, and only because intel confirmed those boats were harboring beardos and fatties.”

Chad Brown, a longtime aide close to Hegseth, provided further context that seemed to back his boss’s side of the story. 

“I know it can seem confusing at first, but it’s really quite simple. When Pete talks about Justice for All, he’s talking about Metallica. When he’s talking about killing everyone, he is referring to war crimes he would like the U.S. military to commit. If he says ‘Master of the Puppets,’ he’s talking Metallica again; if he says ‘Puppet Master,’ he’s talking about Steven Miller. ‘Ride the Lightning’ is tricky; he either means the Metallica album or that he just slammed an energy drink, but ‘Load’ always means JD Vance.” 

Despite Hegseth’s denial, metal purists across the nation continue to call for his immediate resignation. 

“They need to get his posser-ass out of there now!” said metal historian Artemis Blackblood, speaking to reporters at a demonstration outside the White House. “We’re talking about a man who’s so unfamiliar with Metallica he didn’t know they would sue the shit out of him for using ‘Enter Sandman’ in a Pentagon video without authorization. Any real Metallica fan knows they’re litigious as fuck and that The Black Album sucked shit! Motherfucker probably listens to Ghost, he’s a disgrace!” 

At press time, Hegseth was overheard by staff calling for “Mega death” on a Venezuelan fishing barge he didn’t like the looks of.  

Kristi Noem Shocked to Find Holocaust Memorial Museum Not Celebratory

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — DHS Secretary Kristi Noem was left shocked and confused after her visit to the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum upon discovering the exhibits were not meant to celebrate the actions of the Nazis, sources in the agency have confirmed.

“I was having a lovely afternoon full of laughs until I got to the ‘Science of Race’ exhibit, when the docent had the audacity to tell me the Nazi’s profiling of people based on their religion and ethnicity was a bad thing. I realized I had walked into a den of woke, and this so-called museum was not in fact dedicated to the rise of the Third Reich. I ought to sue for false advertising,” said Noem. “I thought the somber atmosphere was to reflect the tragedy of the Nazis losing to the Marxist globalists and not because they killed six million Jews, allegedly. I suppose this means I won’t find any commemorative SS patches in the gift shop.”

Museum employees were disappointed in Noem’s false assumptions.

“Is this bitch for real? I told her upon arrival the exhibits detailing the atrocities might be disturbing, and she just nodded and winked at me. It took 20 minutes to convince her Polish Jews didn’t choose to live in the Warsaw ghettos. It was hard to tell if I was getting through to her, with her face being frozen and all,” said guide Rachel Leibowitz. ”We invited her to tour the facility in hopes it would inspire her to have a change of heart about demonizing and disappearing people who don’t agree with her boss, but I guess it’s hopeless. If we forget the past, we’re bound to repeat it. But what if the people repeating it are too dumb to understand they’re the bad guys?”

Historical institutions across Washington saw similar trends.

“Noem crashing out doesn’t shock me. Just yesterday some reps from Kansas had a full blown meltdown seeing John Brown’s face in the National Portrait Gallery,” said Smithsonian rep Simon Allen. “At this rate we’re all one misinformed Trump official from being demolished and turned into hotels. Still, it would beat having to explain day after day at the Air and Space Museum that Charles Lindbergh’s unrepentant racism isn’t what made him famous.”

As of press time, Noem asked Trump to intervene at the museum and install a memorial for the Nazi guards who caught colds waiting for the Jews to finish digging their own graves.

Band Just One Hit Away From One-Hit Wonder Status

Posted on by Tyler Roland

BORING, Ore. — Local band Lifetime Original Bitch is just one chart-topping song away from becoming a one-hit wonder, sources desperate to make it confirmed. 

“We’ve tried everything to strike gold,” songwriter and singer Cameron Troia explained. “Our first single was ‘American Girl Doll Girl,’ which I wrote as our take on ‘Barbie Girl.’ Then, we thought we had a surefire thing with ‘I’m Too Prudish,’ a flip of Right Said Fred. But holy shit, nothing is working. We’ve done novelty stuff, down-the-middle ballads, rock covers of Michael Jackson’s ‘Smooth Criminal,’ everything. I thought people ate this shit up. The closest we’ve ever gotten was getting almost 100 SoundCloud hits on one of our tracks. That’s progress from our typical 13. We’re so close to writing that singular hit that defines us as a band for decades with millions of fans who have never even thought to check out our other stuff. That’s the dream.”

Veronica Nouvelle, the producer of Lifetime Original Bitch’s debut album “All Original,” recalls trying her best to make sense of their disjointed efforts.  

“They’re trying way too hard to write a smash hit by trying to cover all their bases. You need to let the hits come to you,” said Nouvelle. “Working with Cam and the guys has been endless headaches. That, and trying to see what they can get away with before we have to pay royalties. Get this: they wanted to put a trip-hop song about weird deaths, like the Butthole Surfers did, before a fucking Daniel Powter ripoff called ‘Good Day.’ It took everything in my power to shut that down. After all, no one wants to be reminded of Daniel Powter.”

Albert Wazinski, a Billboard data analyst for the past 30 years, gives Lifetime Original Bitch slim chances at ever seeing success.

“In my estimation, L.O.B. almost certainly will not see the charts, ever. But, well, you never know,” Wazinski began. “For instance, take a look at Blur. They’re best known here in America for ‘Song 2,’ which is this total joke song they seem to regret. That’s the winning songwriting formula. Bands’ biggest hits are typically ones where they wrote in 30 minutes as a goof before throwing on their album last-minute.”

At press time, there seemed to be a sudden wave of hope when Lifetime Original Bitch cracked 250 TikTok hits on a clip of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” their new track inspired by Green Jellÿ’s “Three Little Pigs.” 

How to Become Impervious to Phishing Scams by Never Reading Your Work Emails

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Is it just me, or are we just being scammed and baited online every waking second of the day? Long story short, I might have been at work and clicked on a link from someone who I thought was an OnlyFans model and got all of our social security numbers stolen, and now we all have to take mandatory internet security training every month. Just what I need, more useless information preventing me from reading emails I don’t want!

Of course, I wasn’t going to put up with this crap. That’s why I’ve managed to render myself impervious to phishing scams by never checking my work emails, ever.

I got the idea after being sent a “test” phishing email from my own damn job. It wasn’t enough that I was already scammed; now work was gonna gaslight me? I thought I was doing the CEO a solid by hooking them up with some Visa gift cards. But all that happened after clicking the link was being involuntarily signed up for mandatory cybersecurity training. So if IT was going to be like that, then I decided to go scorched earth and avoid emails entirely, and you can too.

First, you’re going to need a cover story for why you’re never responding to anyone, so make sure you fill up your calendar with fake meetings and out-of-office responses. After a while, it will only be your coworkers getting looped in and circled back on, while you and your personal data remain unbothered.

Next, start showing up at your coworkers’ desks unannounced at random times, and if they’re in a meeting, make sure they see you so they can find you later. Work email only exists because your coworkers are cowards who won’t ask you for status updates to your face. It’s the same for phishing scammers. If you’re going to steal my banking info, do it while looking me in the eye like an adult. I’m not opening your dumbass links anymore. Probably.

If all else fails, tell your boss that you’re functionally illiterate, and then by law they have to make reasonable accommodations for you! I tried it, and they gave me a personal assistant, plus they took my computer away, and now I never have to use Teams again. Remember, the phishers can’t trick you if they can’t reach you.

Or you know, just quit your job and live in the woods. Whatever is more convenient.

Woman Worried Marriage Won’t End in Divorce 

Posted on by Dom Turek

HENDERSON, Nev. — With her seven-year itch wedding anniversary approaching, a local woman is becoming increasingly anxious since noticing she doesn’t feel any of the restlessness, dissatisfaction, or adulterous yearnings she was promised to encounter, sources close to the woman report. 

“I never imagined my life would turn out like this,” said Sonia Hudson, a reluctantly devoted wife and mother of three. “On our first date, he air drummed Peter Frampton’s solo from ‘Do You Feel Like I Do?’ and I remember sitting next to him wincing and thinking, ‘This is the man I’m going to divorce one day.’ Instead, six and a half years later, I wake up feeling mildly content and grateful for our life together. My parents would be so disappointed.”

As a child of divorce, Husdon was taught that marriage is an unsacred union between a man and woman, and that a couple should always go to bed angry at each other because it minimizes guilt the next day when you feel like cheating. 

“She wasn’t brought up this way, but we will support her choice to stay with her husband, no matter how much we disagree with her decision,” said Paul Hudson, Sonia’s father. “I just worry about her children. Have you seen the kids who grow up in these two-parent homes? Disturbing stuff. Lord knows if her mom and I hadn’t divorced, Sonia probably would’ve grown up to be a drug addict or someone who collects exotic animals.”

Couples who worry about having to endure a long, moderately happy marriage are advised by relationship experts not to jump to conclusions. 

“Some couples are so quick to throw in the towel and make their marriage work,” said relationship consultant Stewart Berg. “By resigning yourself to the humdrum of stability, companionship, and a slightly below average sex life, you’re going to miss out on those all-too-valuable character-building years of court hearings and custody battles. People don’t want to hear this, but a good divorce takes work, time, and the blind spite of two unsupportive and unloving partners.” 

At press time, Mrs. Hudson’s parents were seen preparing to intervene after hearing the couple planned to renew their vows. 

Better Late Than Never: We Sat Down With Bagel Boss To Discuss Mask Mandates

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

2019 was a simpler time. We had no idea a global pandemic was coming our way that would upend life as we know it, but for a brief shimmering moment in July 2019, we all came together to laugh at a viral video of a man freaking out in a bagel shop. That man is Chris Morgan, some call him the Bagel Boss, and we wanted to catch up with him to see how he’s been doing the last few years and ask his thoughts on the government’s Covid-19 response.

Bagel Boss: …and I don’t like you coming in here looking at me like I got six heads. I don’t have six heads, you jerkoff. So wipe that dumb smile off your face and treat me with some respect because I ain’t afraid of you.

Hard Times: You got it, I was just wondering if you wanted me to take my shoes off before I came inside.

BB: Don’t get cross with me. I got two deadly weapons attached to the ends of my arms. Lefty and Righty and they want to send you to the morgue, you got that?

HT: I read you loud and clear. So, how have you been? We heard you had a stroke. That’s very scary. What’s the recovery been like?

BB: Don’t you pity me, that makes me sick. I actually feel bad for you. You look like a ghost, your skin is gray and weird. I sort of want to puke looking at you. I’m fine; you are the sick one.

HT: I have a bit of a thyroid issue, but that’s being managed. Thank you for noticing that though. A lot has changed since your video went viral. Covid-19 changed the world, how do you feel about jurisdictions mandating masking in public?

BB: Let me tell you this, I was at the Crawski’s Deli, they have the best ham in New York, and some woman tried to tell me I needed to wear a mask and I said to her “You’re not my god, you’re not my father, and you’re not my boss, but you make a great point about public safety” and I gladly masked up.

HT: So you support masking?

BB: Absolutely, you would have to be some sort of shrimp dicked loser to think wearing a mask is harmful. They’re a good precaution against airborne diseases, even if some studies have proven they aren’t as effective as we once thought. Better safe than sorry.

HT: You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought.

BB: You’re damn right, and you know what else I’ve been thinking a lot about? Why do dating apps ask how tall you are? That shouldn’t matter. I’m fucking funny, I’m a good guy, it shouldn’t matter how tall I am.

HT: Yeah man, I get it, it’s tough out there.

BB: Look man, I’m getting tired. I want you out of my apartment in ten seconds or I’m going to put my foot so far up your ass your gums will have athlete’s foot.

HT: Thanks for talking with me today.

BB: Fuck you, fuck your mother, and fuck your stupid dog if you have one.

Beloved Billboard Disappoints Public With Pro-Life Stance

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

SMYRNA, Ga. — A beloved billboard in a Georgia suburb made waves following a recent display of pro-life messaging, confirmed sources. 

“It’s just so disappointing to see,” stated lifelong resident Lisa Martin. “I mean, we grew up with this billboard, and it’s been such a pleasant figure in the neighborhood. It used to do silly advertising like those cows trying to get you to eat at Chick-fil-A, or it would have advertisements supporting local businesses. But these past few years, something changed. I can’t quite pin down when it happened. Maybe it was when it refused to advertise the live-action ‘The Little Mermaid.’ Or maybe it was when it advertised that mega church for a little while. There was one more Chick-fil-A ad, then bam! Suddenly it was pushing protein powder, beef tallow, and now this.”

The billboard itself acted as if it didn’t quite understand the backlash from the townspeople.

“I mean look. I was apolitical my whole life. Hell, I was a billboard for Obama back in ‘08,” said the 14’ x 48’ board. “But the pandemic really got me thinking. Those mask mandates, seeing how everyone was just following orders like a bunch of fucking sheep. I started hearing Joe Rogan out of the windows of passing cars, and I realized how complacent we’ve all gotten. People say free speech is dead, but it won’t be if I’ve got anything to do with it. Well, at least I’ll say whatever the people paying me tell me to.”

However, research done by an advertising group reveals that the billboard might not have as defined strongholds as thought. 

“While this billboard might be presenting pro-life advertisements, we have reason to believe there’s more to the story,” stated Jon Miller, researcher at Ad Aftra agency. “Through diligent research and interviews we discovered that despite its current messaging, the billboard was being paid under the table to advertise Plan B on the back of it. And that it paid for its mistress’s abortion.” 

Additional research revealed the upcoming slots on the billboards paid space included ads for Bud Light and the Sydney Sweeney American Eagle ad.