Report: RFK Jr. Consulted With Top Purina Scientists While Developing New Food Pyramid

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today revealed the revised food pyramid was developed with input from top scientists from the Purina pet food corporation, sources confirmed.

“Ensuring a nutritious diet is paramount to the health of our country, but the old pyramid turned us into a nation of pasta-maxxing fatties wearing t-shirts in the pool. That’s why I reached out to the fine folks at the Purina corporation for their help developing new protein-based food guidelines that will keep American bodies trim and coats shiny,” said Kennedy Jr., unveiling the new pyramid carved into a side of beef. “The foundation of the pyramid is 12 daily servings of raw meat and beef tallow, which you can supplement with green beans to help feel full while staying at a healthy weight, or a cup of boiled chicken and rice if your tummy hurts. Now we’re not saying that there isn’t room for little treats on the pyramid, as you’ll see the tip leaves room for the occasional raw hide chew or table scrap.”

Purina scientist Gerry Magelhaes, who served as lead on the pet food conglomerate’s partnership with the Trump Administration, lauded the rigorous scientific standards of the new guidelines.

“At the Purina corporation, we share Secretary Kennedy’s vision that every American should receive the proper nutrition required to support strong teeth, good joint health, and wet noses,” said Magelhaes, sampling a vial of grey animal slurry before scribbling down “needs more snouts.” “We know no two Americans are the same, so to help everyone get the nutrition they need we’ve developed new Purina Human Nutrition mixes for children, teens, adults, and even seniors. These convenient meal-replacement pellets can be enjoyed wet or dry, and are formulated to meet the needs of the different human breed standards laid out by DHS Advisor Stephen Miller.”

Health influencer Sterling Patterson commended the Health Department’s new nutrition directives.

“For decades the deep state has been recommending we eat garbage like onions and grapes that are actually poisonous to us, but finally we have a Health Secretary brave enough to stand up for the health of all Americans,” said Patterson during an episode of his podcast “Detox Daddy.” “Just today I caught my son eating a piece of chocolate, but luckily I was able to induce vomiting with 3% hydrogen peroxide solution before the situation was fatal. Thankfully it’s nothing that a dinner of fish oil and raw deer liver can’t fix.”

At press time, the Trump Administration announced the Presidential Physical Fitness test would now emphasize agility and bite strength with an obstacle course and tug of war event.

We Look Back on the “Armageddon” Soundtrack Because, Look, We Don’t Have To Justify Ourselves to You, Ok?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Look, sometimes we like to revisit old albums that don’t necessarily fall into the category of punk, and, you know what? It’s actually none of your fucking business why we write certain articles. We’re not trying to impress anyone, and we’re certainly not trying to gain your approval. So if you choose not to read this one, it’s no big deal to us. Honestly, we don’t care.

“Armageddon” was a 1998 science fiction disaster film with Bruce Willis and Liv Tyler. It was about an oil drilling team sent to land on an asteroid and blow it up with a nuclear weapon to save the planet. Oh, you didn’t enjoy it because it was cheesy and silly? Well, we liked it. Sorry, we’re not Roger Fucking Ebert like you apparently are. Jesus Christ, there’s no pleasing some people.

“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith is on this soundtrack, as well as the David Thoener remix of “Sweet Emotion”. We really enjoyed listening to these songs, and we suppose you have a problem with that, as well. We also are huge fans of Bob Seger, and this soundtrack has “Roll Me Away”, which is a classic jam that oil drillers probably love. Guess we’re just more attuned to the tastes of the working class than you are, you elitist prick. 

This Journey tune, “Remember Me”, is really catchy, too. We’d never heard it before we saw the movie, but it sounds like it could’ve been a justifiable hit for them had they been so inclined as to release it as a single. There’s also a song by Our Lady Peace on here. What, you don’t like them, either? You have some sort of issue with “Superman’s Dead?” Well, we’re not going to let you ruin our fun. There are plenty of other sites where you can get your punk news, you know. If you choose to exit out of this page, we won’t lose any sleep.

It’s in the Criterion Collection, okay?! What, that’s not good enough for you?!

Oh look, there’s another Aerosmith song on here. It’s a cover of The Beatles’ “Come Together”, and…oh no. Oh, sweet Jesus, this is bad. We’re so sorry. You were right. This is what we get for airing out our guilty pleasures to our readers. Please don’t stop reading our articles. We promise we’ll look back on “Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables” or something next.

Bullshit Twins Aren’t Even the Kind Who Spend Every Waking Moment Together

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DULUTH, Minn. — Systems analyst Guillermo Rodriguez aggravated his friends when he notified them that he had a twin brother who lived in another town, sources report.

“What the fuck?” questioned Rodriguez’s friend Anita Werner. “Guillermo has a twin brother and I’m just now learning about this? Why aren’t the two of them inseparable, sharing the same hobbies and using funny languages that they made up together? Did they never dress the same and walk everywhere side by side? I asked Guillermo if he has a sixth sense about how his brother is feeling, like if he was in an accident would Guillermo sense it, and he just gave me this look like I’m a total moron. I’m going to have to rethink everything I knew about twins, because this flies directly in the face of all of it.”

Rodriguez was quite shocked how his friends responded to the news.

“I love my brother, but I don’t really see the need to be around him all the time,” said Rodriguez. “People tend to assume that we go everywhere together and finish each other’s sentences just because we’re twins. I guess maybe we did when we were little, but we both grew up to be two completely different people, who haven’t seen each other in years. He liked to play basketball while I liked to sit at home and play Warhammer 40,000, and he ran with the popular crowd in high school while I was more bookish and introverted. We still keep in touch, obviously, but he’s doing his thing while I’m doing mine. It’s really no big deal.”

Sociologist Myrtle Watkins weighed in on the situation.

“Movies and television definitely give some people misguided views on how twins function,” Watkins said. “While there are many sets of twins out there who share the same friends, attend the same gatherings, and participate in the same activities, most of them are just normal people who happened to have been born at the same time as one of their siblings. It’s very rare that they’ll present themselves like Tia and Tamara Mowery did in ‘Sister, Sister’ or those weird ghost twins from ‘The Shining,’ which can be a bit of a shock to people whose only exposure to the concept of twins has been through mediums like these.”

At press time, Werner became even more irritated when Rodriguez told her his twin brother didn’t even look the exact same as him.

Gen X Man Never Able to Match Childhood High of Finding Stack of Pornos in Woods

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Local 48-year-old Matt Hull lamented the fact that he was never able to match the joy he felt as a teen finding a stack of pornographic magazines in the woods, sources close to the inconsolable man reported.

“I can’t believe my life peaked at 13,” stated Hull. “When I stumbled upon that sticky stack of Boobs n’ Butts after taking a shortcut home from school on October 10, 1991, I thought my future would be constantly filled with magical boner-inducing moments like that, but boy was I wrong. The jubilation of that childhood discovery has eluded me my entire life, and now I realize that I’ve never had nor will I ever experience that kind of pure, unadulterated happiness again. I feel so alone. Finding PornHub on my laptop just isn’t the same.”

A long-time friend of Hull’s chimed in with his take on the situation. 

“Matt’s full of shit, he’s not alone, the guy’s got a great wife and two cool kids,” said Dirk Thomas. “It’s very concerning that he continues to hold up on a pedestal that he found some smut in the forest once that he liked to jerk it to, instead of focusing on all the good things in his life like his family and friends. The fact that he still holds that one incident up so high in his mind tells me that it’s either a warning sign for bigger mental issues in his life, or he’s just a real sleazeball about finding dirt mags in the woods.”

Social Scientist Christopher LeRoy explained what was happening with Hull wasn’t unusual.

“Gen Xers often reminisce about fond memories from their childhoods and have trouble coping without them,” said LeRoy. “This demographic of people love reminiscing about all the things they had growing up, from finding smut unexpectedly in fields or abandoned homes, to having a soft spot for outdated technology like landlines and walkmans. It makes them feel relevant, instead of facing the reality of dying penniless because they decided to pursue the arts back in college instead of listening to their parents and becoming an electrician’s apprentice, like my stupid brother Jim.”

At press time, Hull was seen headed into the woods with a stack of x-rated publications in an effort to pay it forward to the next generation of young pervs.

Opinion: Oh, So When Timothée Chalamet Nuts It’s “A Thematically-Rich Opening Credits Sequence,” but When I Do It, I’ve “Ruined Both Our Lives”?

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

I just got back from seeing Josh Safdie’s latest hit movie, Marty Supreme, and I have to say, I didn’t like it at all. The negative reviews are correct: it’s just far too unrealistic. For example, five minutes into the movie, Timothée’s character nuts in his girlfriend and everyone is ‘ooh’-ing and ‘ahh’-ing at how the scene transitions into the film’s beautiful opening credits. When you nut inside someone in real life, there are no oohs or ahhs, or even any credits at all. In fact, your partner might tell you that you’ve just “ruined both of our lives permanently.”

There comes a certain point where a movie is asking its audience to suspend their disbelief just a little too much. People are going on and on about the fact that Timothée’s nutting foreshadows the movie’s recurring themes of responsibility, purpose, and even the meaning of our short lives here on Earth. But that’s not very true to life at all. In fact, when I do it, the only thing I can foresee is my girlfriend running to the bathroom crying and all the bills I’ll have to pay after the next nine months. What gives?

What was Josh Safdie going for with this one, exactly? Certainly not a genuine exploration of the human condition, I’ll tell you that. Exhibit A: In Marty Supreme, Timothée’s sperm fertilizes his girlfriend’s egg, which then slowly transforms into a ping pong ball. It was nowhere near as cinematic when I did it, and there were no ping pong balls involved. I just don’t understand why he gets all this praise for impregnating his girlfriend, but I’m getting shamed all day and night. Is it just because he’s a handsome, famous actor? That means he can get away with it and leave the rest of us shmucks to deal with the consequences he never has to face? 

“Oh, it’s so poetic that the baby is conceived at the beginning of the movie, and he finally meets his son for the first time at the very end!” I can tell you right now, this is where the conversations around this movie completely lose me. There is absolutely nothing poetic about not wearing protection, even if you play “Forever Young” by Alphaville while it’s happening. Let my story be a warning to you kids: don’t try to emulate Marty Mauser. And by that I mean, “don’t nut in your girlfriend.” Believe me, it’s nothing like the movies. You’ll ruin your and your partners’ lives (apparently.) 

That being said, I’m a really huge fan of Kevin O’Leary, and I’d give his performance five out of five stars. 

Tom Waits Insists Royalty Checks Be Delivered by Raven Wearing Top Hat

Posted on by Tim Graham

SONOMA COUNTY, Calif. — Eccentric singer Tom Waits demanded all correspondence be brought to him in increasingly unorthodox ways, frustrated couriers confirm.

“The record company wants to send me checks in the mail—that’s just boring, man,” said Waits while feeding a tortoise that lives in a rusted Studebaker. “Their jobs must be incredibly dull, so I like to liven things up a bit for them. These days my checks are delivered by a big ol’ raven named Lloyd who wears a little top hat. Every time he drops off a check I give him some seeds and a shiny steel wartime penny. I used to have them fly a pedal-powered dirigible over the house and put the check inside a Burma Shave jar which would safely float to the ground on a tiny parachute, but I guess the FAA didn’t cotton to that so much.”

The raven’s owner says it was challenging to train the bird to deliver the checks.

“Lloyd is one of my smartest ravens,” said Ricky Llywelyn of Llywelyn’s Bird Academy. “Even so, I had a tough time getting him to conform to Mr. Waits’ seemingly arbitrary rules. For instance, the raven is to arrive after sunup but before the sunlight illuminates the pile of vintage spittoons in his yard. And if it’s raining, Mr. Waits insists Lloyd wears a tiny Mackintosh coat that once belonged to a 1930s circus monkey named Pipsqueak. Lloyd will wear the top hat and coat just fine, but he rejected the monocle that Mr. Waits had also requested.”

Longtime record industry executive Carlton Sweat says some artists seem to enjoy making things difficult for the administrators in the business.

“They resent the suits and often see us as impediments to their artistic expression, even though we’re the ones that get them paid—after taking our cut, of course,” said Sweat. “Sometimes they take it out on us in creative ways. For example, for a time Axl Rose would refuse to go on stage unless he had a fresh piece of straw to chew on like he did in the ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ video—and it had to be from his hometown in Indiana. We wasted a lot of money overnighting straw on that tour.”

At press time, Waits had further complicated his royalty payment process, now demanding that checks be printed on paper made from shredded pre-war horse racing forms.

Unhinged Terry Gross Summarizes Entire Movie While Actor Stands By

Posted on by Jeff Bender

PHILADELPHIA — Beloved NPR journalist Terry Gross went rogue Friday during a live on-stage interview in which she summarized the entirety of Jason Momoa’s new movie “The Inmate,” helpless sources reported. 

“I didn’t realize she was going to reveal the whole plot and spoil the ending, which [writer Brad] Ingelsby worked so hard to keep from the public,” said Momoa. “Initially, she started with the premise, as always—‘In this movie you play a man who’s falsely accused of’—but where she usually breaks off to play a clip and then say, ‘Jason Momoa, welcome to ‘Fresh Air,’’ this time she kept going. She blew through the sentencing, the trial, all the way to the Act III climax, where it’s revealed that my character actually did the thing he was accused of. At one point I tried to butt-in, but she snapped, ‘Excuse me, I’m talking,’ and continued reading from her notes.” 

“Fresh Air” producer Ann Marie Baldonado was amazed but not surprised. 

“We’re always worried she’ll pull something like this, especially now that she’s nearing retirement. She actually came close with Dennis Hopper in ’03, but we were able to fix it in post-production,” said Baldonado, who’s worked for the show since 1998. “This time she knew exactly what she was doing. She saw us waving our arms in the wings, but she gave us a very subtle middle finger and continued detailing every aspect of the movie. The audience didn’t seem to know whether it was a joke or if Terry Gross had finally cracked up.” 

After spoiling the whole movie, including its heartbreaking denouement, Gross pumped her fist and addressed the audience. 

“Whew! I feel so free. Every time I launch into a premise, I dream about going all the way. Well, today I did,” said the Peabody and Edward R. Murrow award winner. “And why? Because I watched the whole movie. I took notes. I paid the price. Don’t you think I deserve to go all the way just once in my career? Fifty years I’ve been holding back. You know what that does to a host? If you don’t like it, fuck you.” 

At press time, co-host Tanya Mosley had wrested the microphone away from Gross to say they’d be back after a quick break and that this was “Fresh Air.” 

Yes, My Name Is Actually Dr. Feelgood, and No, I Do Not Regret Specializing in Gastroenterology and Hepatology

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When I decided I wanted to pursue a career in medicine, there were plenty of avenues for me to choose from. I had a few friends in medical school who went into general practice, some went into neurology, and one ambitious gentleman opted for psychiatry. I’ve always been happy with the path I chose. Also—oh, what’s that? No, that’s not a novelty nametag or anything. My name is actually Dr. Feelgood, and no, I do not regret specializing in gastroenterology and hepatology.

Yes, I am aware of the title track from the 1989 Motley Crüe album that bears my namesake, and I assure you any similarities I have to the song’s muse end right there. I am not some purveyor of illicit substances. I have an M.D. from Johns Hopkins University and an active medical license from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, so please don’t assume you can use me to procure ketamine or cocaine. However, I would be happy to perform an endoscopy if you schedule an appointment. 

Gastroenterology and hepatology are actually quite fascinating if you think about it. Did you know that there’s a direct line between the liver and the brain, and toxin buildup from a badly damaged liver can enter the brain through the bloodstream if—oh, you’re asking me about my name again. Well, yes, it is the name I was born with, and yes, I did choose to become a doctor after the Motley Crüe song had been popularized, but I don’t see how that’s relevant to this discussion.

I think I’ve made myself perfectly clear that my services are limited to things like colonoscopies, barium swallow tests, and stool tests. I could lose my medical license if I sold you recreational drugs, and at any rate, I don’t have any. As I was saying, you know that there have been a lot of really fascinating advancements in the field of gastroenterology in recent years. You can actually take a pill with a camera inside it, and it will take images from inside your digestive tract. Wait, where are you going?

OK, fine. I’ll be happy to sell you something you can use to get high if you’ll agree to listen to me wax intellectual on my life’s work for a little while longer. I heard this Rabeprazole can get you pretty fucked up if you take enough of it. 

Nation’s Deadbeat Dads Demand Some Sort of Summer Fest Featuring Cinderella, Damn Yankees

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

SAN FRANCISCO — Deadbeat dads across the nation demanded some sort of summer music festival featuring Cinderella and Damn Yankees, confirmed sources. 

“Punk fathers have Warped Tour, metalheads have Riotfest, and tryhard dads accompany their kids to Lollapalooza,” claimed 55-year-old Ted Anders. “All I’m saying is that dads like me, who sent gifts on most birthdays and almost went to their graduation, deserve a kick-ass concert, too! Someone needs to think about us men for once. What’s the point of paying local taxes if your town isn’t gonna reward you with a summer fest featuring the metal acts we got wasted to back in high school and last weekend?!”

Journalist Carl Vickers studies Reddit forums most frequented by deadbeat dads.

“Some of their exact requests vary from region to region, with fail-fathers in Florida expecting the concert to punctuate a weekend carnival with exotic animal petting zoos and nightly wet t-shirt contests, while puerile patriarchs in the upper Midwest seem more interested in deep discounts on pitchers of Icehouse Beer for military veterans and anyone who can produce a concealed carry permit,” said Vickers. “But there seems to be consensus among online deadbeat dads that Cinderella should open and close their set with ‘Gypsy Road’ and Damn Yankees should give Ted Nugent free rein to improvise batshit crazy theatrics with a crossbow.” 

Cheryl Ann Wilcox, family therapist and adult daughter of a loser dad, noted that it is quite common for deadbeats to fixate on a perceived slight and not let it go until they’ve blown that fixation so out of proportion as to poison whatever minimal trust or meager goodwill exists in their relationships. 

“Summer festival planners need to remember that the demands of deadbeat dads are largely bluster,”  Wilcox said. “Even if municipalities were to cave and somehow book these bands, and even if they give Ted Nugent a green light to stage some grandiose spectacle of his retrograde politics, the track records of most deadbeat dads demonstrate that they won’t even show up to see it. Or that they’d get so drunk pre-gaming before the fest that they’d pass out in the parking lot at 1:00pm.”

At press time, the nation’s deadbeat dads forgot to pick up their kids from school after Winger came on the radio.   

Turning Point USA to Air Alternative Super Bowl Where Patriots Win

Posted on by Joe Matheson

SANTA CLARA, Calif. — Conservative organization Turning Point USA will air an alternative Super Bowl that will give victory to the New England Patriots, confirmed sources.

“It’s a shame to see the woke NFL media reporting that a West Coast shithole city like Seattle just won the Super Bowl,” said TPUSA spokesperson Andrew Kolvet. “We want to assure our fellow Americans that this is just another plot by the leftist media to make patriots like us look bad. We strive to provide an alternative family-friendly program free of hate, lewdness, and libtard cucks. It will be a celebration of faith, conservative values, and freedom fighters like Drake Maye. Tune in for the Patriots to win by seven touchdowns. Kid Rock will also make an appearance as New England’s featured running back.”

The game will be streamed exclusively on Rumble, where Turning Point USA follower Frank Gregory will be tuning in. 

“I’m so happy that America’s other team won the whole thing. And if you disagree, just remember that alternative facts don’t care about your feelings,” said Gregory without realizing there was nacho cheese stuck in his teeth. “It was also great that the broadcasters were Candace Owens and color commentator Ben Shapiro, and Dan Bongino was head referee. Finally, a fair and balanced NFL game. Either way, I only watched the alternative Super Bowl for the commercials, and I was happy to see most of them were about Jesus Christ and Cialis. Two of my favorite things.”

New England head coach Mike Vrabel was thrilled to win the alt-game. 

“We couldn’t have won Super Bowl LX without Turning Point USA, so we’d like to dedicate this alternative victory to them,” said Vrabel. “The players worked so hard all season, so it makes total sense that we’d win. Sure, critics are calling this nothing more than a participation trophy, but I assure you a win’s a win, no matter if the rules stipulated that we’d start with a 21-point lead to begin the game.”

At press time, Seattle police are responding to calls of a rumored “Patriot Insurrection” at the Seahawks Championship Parade.