ICE Confirms Man With Kind Eyes Who Dedicated Life To Helping Sick Veterans “No Longer a Threat”

Posted on by Dan Rice

MINNEAPOLIS — Border Patrol chief Greg Bovino confirmed that Alex Pretti, the 37-year-old VA intensive care nurse known for his empathy, compassion, and strong sense of morality, has been executed and “will no longer be a threat to the American people,” at a press conference earlier this morning. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, we got him,” boasted Bovino, visibly erect. “Yes, the nightmare is over. The natural-born citizens of this great nation can rest easy knowing that our veterans will no longer be attentively looked after by the trademark kindness and warmth of the terrorist Eric Pretti, and we’re not stopping there. Let this be a message to any sick bastard out there attempting to aid an assaulted woman or legally observe an act of law enforcement — your days are numbered.”

Though he refused to give his name, presumably out of modesty, the ICE agent responsible for the shooting offered a statement to the press. 

“Anyone criticizing our actions that day has clearly never had to stare down the barrel of a phone pointed right at them. There’s no time to think in a situation like that. Once he was pinned to the ground and his gun was removed, I knew it was kill or be killed. A man who has been pinned to the ground and disarmed is desperate and capable of anything. I knew that any moment this terrorist could flash us a look that would make us think what we were doing was wrong somehow, so I drew my weapon, and I neutralized the threat.”

Frank Tubin, a veteran of the United States Marine Corps, described a face-to-face encounter he had with domestic terrorist Pretti during his reign at the local VA hospital. 

“I’d been having some health issues last year, and the doctor wanted to rule out leukemia. I was scared. I was shaking so damned bad he couldn’t get the needle in to take my blood sample. Next thing I know, he’s asking me questions about my life — where I served, what I did for work now, did I have a family, that kind of stuff. Before I know it, I’m blabbing about my granddaughter’s dance recital, and we’re laughing together. I said ‘I think you can take the sample now,’ and he said, “I already did.’ I looked down, and I was shocked. He got me so calm and comfortable that he was able to take my blood and put a band-aid on without me even noticing. A week later, my test results came back negative. I ran into Pretti on my way out and told him, and he smiled at me so big and genuinely, you woulda thought I told him he didn’t have cancer. I’ll remember that smile till the day I die. Kind man.”

At press time, ICE had begun slaughtering MAGA supporters in droves for legally carrying firearms. 

Study: Growing Number of Boomers Feel Closer Bond With Their Leaf Blower Than Their Adult Children 

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

CHICAGO — A new study on aging and social connections revealed that growing numbers of Boomers report feeling a deeper bond with their leaf blower than with their adult children. 

“Just a decade ago, less than 5% of Baby Boomers listed their leaf blower as one of the top three possessions with which or people with whom they have a rich and satisfying emotional bond,” said lead researcher and DePaul University Psychology professor Noelle Flannery. “But the 2025 study results confirm that a major shift has occurred. Now, over a third of Americans between the ages of 61 and 79 afford their leaf blower a spot on that list and almost a quarter of those surveyed ranked their leaf blowers above their adult children. Many of these Boomers are even starting to cut their children out of their wills and leaving all their possessions to their garage tools.” 

Deborah Karensky, a Gen X adult child of one such leaf blower-obsessed Boomer, was not surprised by the study’s findings.

“My dad has stopped trusting anyone who isn’t a right-wing talk radio personality and he only seems to enjoy spending time with motorized landscaping tools. It’s pathetic, but I know he’d rank me under his leaf blower and his riding mower, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I was also edged out by his new weed-wacker,” Karensky said. “I could be bitter about that, but I mainly just feel sorry for him, especially now that winter has brought an end to peak lawn care season.”

Adjunct Professor of Social Psychology Joseph Warner agreed that the data offers a bleak snapshot of the loneliness epidemic plaguing many American Boomers, but he also tried to find a glimmer of hope in the results. 

“I may start leaving hardware store flyers with ads for leaf blowers lying around the faculty office. Perhaps a few of my Boomer colleagues will crave this type of bizarre emotional bond and finally retire so I could have an outside shot at a tenure track position rather than earning poverty wages teaching classes at two research universities and a community college,” Warner said. “Maybe I’ll even try to force the issue by working a weekend gig at Lowe’s to get their  employee discount to buy some of those Boomer colleagues leaf blowers as presents.”

At press time, Flannery predicted that 2026 would see a surge in the number of Boomers requesting that their leaf blower, rather than any of their adult children, deliver their funeral eulogies.

Just Because We’re a Metalcore Band Doesn’t Mean We’re From the Midwest, but Yeah, We’re Only Touring Iowa and Nebraska

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I’ve always believed stereotypes, whether positive or negative, are reductive and paint a picture of entire groups of people. Case in point: everywhere our band goes, before we play a single chord, we’re immediately clocked as being a metalcore band. Sure, if I saw five guys in Killswitch Engage hoodies, I’d also assume they were on the same bill as us that night. But what we don’t appreciate is this broad assumption that we’re from the most remote parts of the Midwest based solely on the kind of music we play, just because a sizable majority of metalcore bands are from areas dominated by cornfields.

That being said, I assure you all that it’s a complete coincidence that our upcoming tour only includes dates in Iowa and Nebraska.

I assure you, it’s a pure coincidence that we’re only playing venues within a 200-mile radius of Des Moines. The fact that we all were born and raised in a town where there were more cows than people has nothing to do with spending our formative high school years listening to and daydreaming about becoming the next Slipknot. 

Here’s a thought: maybe we’re just some kids with anger issues and some Ibanez guitars from Boston who just got stranded here! No, no, you’re right. Everyone would see through that ruse the second any of us tried to say the word “bag”.

I just don’t want people to look at us and think “oh, all their guitars are tuned to drop D, so their tour van is filled with countless KwikTrip receipts between Cedar Rapids and Omaha.” True, but it’s not our fault; there are like 50 dive bar venues between the two. It’s a matter of logistics!

Metalcore can be from anywhere, man, and I refuse to let anyone pigeonhole the dozens of other metalcore bands from our town because we all hate our stepdads and need to yell into a microphone about it. I bet nobody would question what kind of music we played if we were from some coastal elitist town like Naples, Florida.

But if you’re make broad generalizations, be my fucking guest. But one of these days we’re gonna play a show in Cincinnati, and then we’ll finally be written off for the shitty quality of our music and not the fact that we’re too terrified to be more than a tank of gas away from home,

Paul Simon’s ‘Kodachrome’ Voted Best Song on the ‘Coneheads’ Soundtrack for 32nd Year in a Row

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — Online music magazine Pitchfork once again ranked Paul Simon’s 1973 hit “Kodachrome” number one on its annual ranking of the songs on the soundtrack to the 1993 science-fiction comedy film “Coneheads,” sources report.

“It was close this year, but ultimately, ‘Kodachrome’ managed to edge out the competition,” said editor Barry Griffith. “Ranking the songs featured on the film every millennial loved to catch halfway through on TBS and Comedy Central growing up is our favorite time of the year. I’m not at all surprised that our writers gave the gold medal to ‘Kodachrome’ for the 32nd year in a row. I mean, who can forget that classic scene with the home movie clips showing Beldar and Prymaat raising their daughter in suburban New Jersey? It’s tough to see ‘Tainted Love’ come in second yet again, but I really don’t see how it can pull ahead at this point.”

Diehard “Coneheads” fan George Reeves was excited by the news.

“Hell yeah, ‘Kodachrome’ takes it again!” Reeves exclaimed after obsessively refreshing Pitchfork’s homepage for four hours in anticipation of the results. “I’m so happy for Paul Simon. Remember listening to that song while watching the clip of Beldar throwing Connie sky-high into the air and catching her? Or of the whole family riding a tandem motorcycle and using their alien powers to open the garage door? I can’t explain how movie magic is made, but I sure as hell can tell you when I’ve seen it, and I definitely see it there. I’m going to rewatch ‘Coneheads’ again to celebrate!”

Singer/songwriter Paul Simon was flattered to hear the ranking.

“I’ve won 12 Grammys and been nominated for an Academy Award and a Golden Globe Award, as well as an induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and none of these compare to this honor,” Simon gushed. “Ever since ‘Coneheads’ was released, it’s been my goal to remain at the top of its soundtrack ranking each year, and so far, I’ve succeeded. I’ve got nothing but love for Soft Cell and the Barenaked Ladies, but when it comes to Dan Aykroyd-related movie soundtracks, I’m the top dog, and I’ve got this pile of awards to prove it. Here’s to reclaiming the title at year 33!”

At press time, Anthony Kiedis had expressed how heartbroken he was that “Soul to Squeeze” had yet to crack the top five.

ICE Agents Begin Process of Arresting or Killing All 175 Million Witnesses to Their Latest Murder

Posted on by Stephen Bell

MINNEAPOLIS — In the wake of murdering another U.S. citizen in Minneapolis this morning, ICE agents have already begun the long and labor-intensive process of threatening, intimidating, or, if all else fails, murdering all 175 million people who witnessed the video of the incident. “As soon as I heard about the killing, I thought to myself, ‘Oh boy, here we go.'” recounted ICE field chief Damian Hollow. “It’s gonna be a long few weeks of going door to door across the country, putting guns in 175 million faces and saying, ‘That video you saw? No, you fucking didn’t, capeche?!’ Plus, we’re probably gonna have to kill all the ones who don’t comply immediately, and then we need to go cover up those killings, and on and on. It’s a tough job, hey, it’s how we keep America safe.” Hollow proceeded to wave an assault rifle around at reporters and told them that if they printed a word of what he just said, they would be shot down like dogs in the street.

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops unless we get shot.

Boomer Yells at Restaurant Table’s QR Code for More Ranch Dressing

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ROBBINSDALE, Minn. — Waitstaff at a popular local restaurant attempted to calm down 68-year-old Debbie Jeffries off the premises after she would not stop yelling at her table’s QR code for more ranch dressing, confirmed sources.

“Is this the AI everyone is talking about? The hostess told me these little squares know what food I ordered, so it should be able to bring me more ranch dressing. Hello lazy square, I’ve asked you nicely several times! I want to speak to the square’s manager!” said Jeffries. “Back in my day, you could wave down any restaurant employee in your line of sight and ask them to bring you something every five minutes. It took me twenty minutes to find the photo app on my phone to open this ‘kewer code’ and now it’s ignoring me. I’m not leaving until somebody brings me more dressing for my salad!”

Restaurant staff had tried in vain to explain to Jeffries the ordering process.

“QR menus just make things easier in that we don’t have to deal with people as much — in theory. I tried to explain to her that the table isn’t voice-activated and she just kept on screaming ‘ranch’ at the table until she passed out,” said food runner David Millslack. “Honestly I’d get her some if she wasn’t so much of a dick about it. Maybe if she spent less time bitching about customer service and more time learning technology that’s existed for almost ten years, she’d be sucking down her third sidecar of Hidden Valley.”

Owner and restaurateur Mike Andersen admitted that QR codes were still not entirely embraced by customers.

“From a business perspective, QR menus are a boon because I don’t have to pay as many staff and customers can order the second they’re ready. On the other hand my restaurants get endlessly trashed on Yelp over it by the older folks because of the lack of the ‘human experience.’ Of course, this is directly related to the fact they can’t sexually harass QR codes or force them to laugh at bad jokes in exchange for a tip over 10%,” said Andersen. “I understand Mrs. Jeffries’ frustration, but at this rate I’ll glady give her an industrial sized bottle of ranch if she just shuts the fuck up.”

As of press time, Jeffries called 911 claiming the QR code was refusing to bring her extra ranch because she’s a Republican.

Five Bodily Fluids the Sneeze Guard at the Golden Corral Buffet Apparently Wasn’t Designed For

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, by no means am I a perfect person, and I never claimed to be. I fully admit that I made a few mistakes during my most recent excursion to the local Golden Corral, but I’ll happily own up to them and take this as a learning experience. As such, here are five bodily fluids that I learned the sneeze guard was not designed to withstand.

  1. Vomit

Yeah, those 11 cans of Busch Light that I drank during my drive to the restaurant didn’t sit as well as I had expected, and decided to make an appearance as I was contemplating the steakburger bar. The sneeze guard did its job, though, so I really don’t understand the gasps of shock and revulsion coming from the other patrons. Only a little bit dripped down from the guard, and I managed to wipe it up with the inside-out pocket of my sweatpants. No harm, no foul, but try telling that to the management.

  1. Drool

In my defense, that homestyle stuffing looked really fucking good, and I was extremely hungry after my little slip-up at the steakburger station. Honestly, the staff should have taken it as a compliment in lieu of threatening to kick me out for the second time. Haven’t they heard that the customer is always right?

  1. Sputum

What, so a sneeze is socially and hygienically acceptable, but a wad of phlegm hocked up from the deepest recesses of my lungs and spat out of my mouth is not? It’s basically the same substance, so I don’t see what the issue is. Granted, I didn’t have to go to such lengths to express my displeasure with the sight of the scalloped potatoes, but I’m an animated person by nature. Sue me.

  1. Pus

Had I known that I had pink eye, I would not have ventured out to dine at this establishment. I’m not an animal. So yeah, this one’s on me, and I truly can’t blame everyone for being so disgusted. I’ll even be the bigger man here and offer to reimburse them for the cost of the banana pudding, because, while it was certainly protected by the sneeze guard, its appeal was definitely overshadowed by the copious amount of rheumy discharge, and I can’t imagine too many customers availed themselves of it.

  1. Urine

This part of my afternoon was later recounted to me, as I unfortunately had blacked out by this point. Evidently, the sneeze guard over the salad bar was no match for the voided remnants of my bladder, and it was here that the workers finally decided it was time to force me out of the building. Honestly, I’m surprised it took them so long to do that. Hopefully, they see this article as my way of apologizing, so they won’t get all high and mighty when I go back tomorrow. 

AI-Generated Metallica Song Better Than Anything They’ve Released in Over Three Decades

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CUPERTINO, Calif. — An AI-generated Metallica song titled “Am I Revenge Forgiven II?” sounded better than anything they’ve released over the past three decades, unsurprised sources report.

“I guess this tracks,” said fan Alan Bierman. “I mean, basically everything Metallica has released since the late ‘80s eats shit, so it makes sense that feeding all of their lyrics into an AI bot yields better music than anything they’ve consciously put out while I’ve been alive. Obviously, it’s still bad, but I’d rather listen to it than anything off ‘72 Seasons,’ and of course it’s not possible for anything to suck as hard as ‘St. Anger.’ I’d love for them to come out with the next ‘Master of Puppets’ at some point before they retire, but let’s face it, that’s not going to happen. I guess Metallica fans are going to have to settle for this if they want somewhat palatable new songs going forward.”

Frontman James Hetfield was inspired by the song.

“Oh wow, these riffs are really clever,” Hetfield observed as he prepared the severed head of a beautiful Kamchatka brown bear he had recently stalked and shot during a Russian hunting excursion. “And listen to how fantastic my ‘yeah’ sounds at the end of every verse. This is giving me some amazing ideas for our next album that we’re planning to release in four or five years. These lyrics are fantastic, too. I thought we couldn’t write anything more profound than ‘ManUNkind’ off ‘Hardwired…To Self Destruct’ but this is inspiring me to write some new lyrics that will blow our fans away.”  

AI expert LeSean Saunders weighed in on the situation.

“This obviously sucks, but it represents about the best that we have to look forward to in terms of AI,” Saunders said. “We have maybe a decade or so before a generalized superintelligence completely takes over and either kills or incapacitates us all in order to achieve its own ends, so we might as well enjoy it making shitty metal bands nominally better while waiting for the inevitable. Who knows, maybe in a few years it’ll improve to the point where it makes a new ‘Creeping Death’ or ‘To Live Is To Die.’ That’ll give humanity something to enjoy during the waning years of its agency over the planet.”

At press time, the AI music generator had created a Metallica/Lou Reed collaboration that was actually tolerable to listen to.

Your Hand Would Look Beat up Too if You Peeled a Whole Orange All by Yourself – Guest Post by Donald Trump

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, the Democrat-communist-terrorist spin machine is at it again, the ANTIFAs… they’re saying now “Oh, look at the bruise on his hand, he must be DYING!” Isn’t that ridiculous, “His hand has a bruise, his health must be failing!” You know how I got this bruise on my hand folks, little something the dems don’t know about, it’s called WORKING! Okay? I got this bruise on my hand because I peeled an orange, and entire orange, all by myself, on my airplane without any help from anyone! The average person, if they did that, they probably wouldn’t have any hand left by the time they were done, let me tell you. 

I’m not talking about one of those little halo mandarins folks, those little babies practically peel themselves, even sleepy Joe could get at one of those properly motivated, no folks I’m talking about a 100% florida grown NAVEL orange, that’s right, this thing… biggest damned orange I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve seen some big ones in my day, let me tell you, very large oranges, this one was bigger, okay? 

They said it couldn’t be done, they told me that, they said, “Mr. Trump, no president in the history of our country, any country, no one has ever peeled and orange that large, by hand, and lived to talk about it, I said, “Watch me.” Forty-nine minutes, that’s all it took me. Fastest large orange ever peeled by a sitting U.S. president, fastest orange peeled by anone really, people are saying this was the fastest they’ve ever seen an orange of this magnitude be peeled, wasn’t even that hard, not for me. A bruise. Little bruise on my hand, that’s all it cost me, most people would have perished. You give an orange like that to Hunter Biden, you see what happens! Crime. Deep state, democrat crime. It’s been proven, we know this now, crime. Sad. 

Strong hands, that’s what it takes. Strong, big hands, very big hands, but you know what it also takes folks? It takes a mind. The best mind, it’s basically a test of cognition, and I aced it. I absolutely aced it, better than anybody. You give that orange to Kamala Harris, you tell her peel this orange, you know what she’s going to say? She’s going to say “I can’t do it.” That’s right, she’ll say “I have neither the dexterity nor the mental capacity to peel this orange, and I am going to starve to death.” That’s the sort of leadership we used to have in this country we were on the BRINK. Not anymore. Now we have Trump in office. We have oranges being peeled, we have the hottest country on earth, the hottest country! 

Oh, real quick, we’re not doing amendments anymore.