Ticketmaster Adds Extra Charge if Artists Play Their Hits

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LOS ANGELES — Ticketmaster announced a new policy where they will charge customers an extra tax if their favorite acts play any of their hits at concerts, according to angry sources already waiting to speak to customer service about other stupid-ass fees. 

“Treating our customers with the utmost respect is what we’re all about,” stated CEO Michael Rapino as he instructed a venue security guard to aggressively pat down a blind veteran he suspected of trying to sneak in a bottle of water. “That’s why we’re excited to announce an innovative new fee that will only be charged if your fav artist plays any songs at their shows that have ranked in the Billboard Top 100 or were ever popular by any metric established by us. We feel this is the fairest way for fans to enjoy shows and at the same time help to bump up our stock price. It’s a win-win.”

A local fan who just purchased tickets to a concert offered their take on this new tax.

“Is this a joke?” said a perplexed Curtis Spezza. “I just paid out the ass to see Green Day, and now you’re telling me that I’m going to have to pay even more if they play ‘Basket Case’ or ‘Minority’? I’d say I was surprised but knowing how much this company already treats their customers, I’m definitely not. I blew all the money I have on this show and can’t afford to spend anymore, so I guess I’ll just hope and pray they play bullshit songs like ‘Drama Queen’ instead.”

Industry expert Joanne McGivens explained that revenue-generating add-ons like this were just the beginning. 

“If history has proven anything, it’s shown that Ticketmaster is above the law and can basically do anything they want with impunity,” McGivens said. “If you think that’s bad, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. They’re also planning to charge fans extra if the lead singer shouts out their home town, if any band members walk onstage wearing a local sports jersey, or even if anyone decides to play with that beach ball bouncing around in the crowd.”

At press time, Ticketmaster announced they were also in the works in creating a system to retroactively charge an additional fee if musicians play any songs that fans lost their virginity to.

Bullshit! My Grandpa Posts His Wordle Results Every Day on Facebook and the State Still Won’t Approve His Request for Death With Dignity

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

Why is it so goddamn difficult to get the state to assist in a human’s death? We literally shoot horses if their leg is broken, or put our pets down for committing the sin of being old, and nobody bats an eye, but you can watch a man post their Wordle results every single day on Facebook and not see that their life is already over?

My grandfather is a noble man. A person who lived a life anyone would look back on with satisfaction and contentment. To watch this once noble beacon of intelligence, wisdom, and light go from my idyllic version of what it means to be a man in this world reduced to this thin, ghostly visage that haunts my Facebook feed to let me know it took him, “Five guesses today! That was a close one!” It’s enough to make me weep watching someone I love suffer like this.

How could I have the heart to tell him that people stopped posting their Wordle results four years ago, and it was annoying even then? Would you? Could you? For Christ’s sake, this is my grandfather we’re talking about here. This is the man who taught me how to fish, how to chop wood, and the reason my parents had to teach me not to say around sixteen different words in public.

And don’t even get me started on these bureaucratic fat cat doctors and the hoops they make you jump through just to try to help a family member in demonstrable pain end their life. All of the paperwork needed, all of these cease-and-desist letters they send, all of the charges of harassment they file back at you, and all of these bans from your local health care clinic — it’s enough to drive a person mad. But I’m not going to give up, because a grandson’s love is a bond that knows no obstacle.

Ask yourself, what kind of life is someone actually living when they still post their daily Wordle results? As if his inoperable cancer wasn’t enough. Heaven forbid he discovers Words with Friends.

Fog Machine Successfully Obscures Bassist

Posted on by Doug Kolic

BANGOR, Maine — Members of death metal band Rhino Sphincter expressed relief that the fog machine they rolled out during a recent performance successfully hid their bassist from the crowd, according to nearby sources gasping for air. 

“Half the time Dale looks like he’s in a coma with a really bored look on his face, and the other half when he actually tries to ratchet up some intensity, it looks like he’s having a seizure,” said lead singer Calvin Skeebs. “Plus his hygiene is horrible, as he often goes weeks without showering or even changing his crusty clothes. Our manager told us if we wanted to be taken seriously we needed to drop him after this tour, so in the meantime we’ll just hide the awkard fucker with as much thick fog as we can.”

Fan Dawn Poulin who was in attendance expressed her confusion over the set.

“Right after the first song, a blanket of fog suddenly swept in which totally obscured the bassist,” Poulin stated. “The rest of the band were still visible, but the bassist was nowhere to be seen. At some point during the set, we heard a big thud, then after the show we saw paramedics attending to the bassist who looked to be hurt pretty bad on the ground, with a smoke machine laying in pieces on top of him. I’m not gonna lie, it was the best part of the night.”

Music editor Ian Foulds explained this phenomenon. 

“Bands are trying to come up with clever ways of concealing members they’re embarrassed by,” said Foulds. “Fog machines, lasers, and strobes are a great way to create a dramatic atmosphere for your audience while at the same time trying to distract from bandmates who should not be public-facing. It’s actually a very common occurrence, and reportedly began back in the 70s when a concert promoter for Rush was so horrified by their collective appearance that he decided to kill the lights and have them perform in total darkness.” 
At press time, Rhino Sphincter told their bassist that he’d have to pay out of pocket for damaging the fog machine.

Kristi Noem Announces Alternative Puppy Bowl 

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Inspired by Turning Point’s alternative halftime show, Kristi Noem has announced that she will be airing her own version of The Puppy Bowl to compete with the “Woke” Animal Planet program. 

“The Puppy Bowl, as it currently exists, is a disgrace,” claimed Noem in a social media post. “Frankly, it was irresponsible of Animal Planet to greenlight this drivel in the first place. This is the sort of soft, mindless media that causes people to lower their guard and become trans instead of going to war. There is no point, no goal, it’s just annoying puppies running around like they own the goddamn place with no stakes of any kind. I can assure you, my puppy bowl will very much have stakes.” 

Construction of the U.S.A First Puppy Arena, or “Thunderdome” as some have taken to calling it, is nearly complete, and features various booby traps, AI-powered drone turrets, and various caches of weapons the “smartest puppies” can defend themselves with. DHS advisor and referee Stephen Miller explained the rules in more detail on a promotional video. 

“This will be a winner-take-all elimination-style tournament. Think ‘Twisted Metal,’ but with puppies. This game is not about coddling wild animals or showing off how ‘cute’ they are, whatever that word means. This is about survival of the fittest. Thousands of puppies will enter the arena, but only one will ever leave, and even then, it’s no guarantee the creature will be allowed to live. This administration understands that football is not everybody’s thing, so now, instead of being coddled with the Marxist, ‘everybody gets a trophy’ woke propaganda that is the Animal Planet Puppy Bowl, people who don’t like sports can still receive a healthy, sharpening dose of brutality, and victory over weakness.” 

The event is being met with almost universal criticism, with even some of the most die-hard MAGA supporters now souring on the administration. 

“I’m one of the few republicans who can say they’ve been with Trump the whole way up until now, but this is where I draw the line,” said MAGA influencer Cameron White. “Full disclosure, I am racist, I am sexist, and I believe that the most successful people in this country are entitled to engage in pedophilia behind closed doors, but puppies?! I mean, come on! Even Hitler loved his goddamn dog!” 

At press time, DraftKings announced a $50 promo for first-time users with promo code DOGSHOOT. 

I Thought I Was a Republican, Turns Out I Just Needed a Dom

Posted on by Dan Rice

If there is a conservative in your life, be it a relative, acquaintance, or just an online troll who won’t leave you alone, I urge you to share this post with them. My name is Garret Anderson, but you can call me Bitchmouth, and I would like to share with you my journey toward self-discovery. 

I spent my entire life believing I was a Republican. Like any conservative reading this, I believe in the traditional values of a hypothetical idyllic ‘50s household, I believe in blind adherence to rules and authority, and I think breeding is crazy hot. Due to my upbringing and obedient disposition, I never really questioned this point of view — I considered it to be a sound, political stance. Then Daddy, whoops, I mean Trump, came into power. That’s when I started to notice certain… inconsistencies. 

My political beliefs are supposed to be rooted in Christianity, and yet my party does everything in its power to avoid helping the poor and needy. I’m supposed to be part of this party that favors small government, and yet here they are inserting themselves into every facet of our lives! Tariffs are not small government. Murderous goon squads invading major cities are not small government. Telling people what gender they can or cannot identify as or what religion they should be is not small government. So why do all of these things make me aroused? 

It took a lot of soul searching and a LOT of DL grindr hookups, but I think I finally figured something out: I’m not a republican. In fact, there may not even be such a thing as a republican! What I am is a sub, and what I need is a Daddy whose mean to me — just ME, a consenting adult — within boundaries we agree upon in advance. 

It used to be that whenever I got “the urge,” I would go to a MAGA rally or defend billionaires online. I now see that by transposing my carnal desires to the world stage, I was forcing my kinks onto non-consenting participants, and helping to make the world a worse place by doing it, and for that I apologize. Don’t worry, I’m getting what I deserve! Daddy has a whole briefcase full of floggers, paddles, and clamps to make sure I get the proper punishment every time he comes over! 😍🍆💦🤤

To all currently conservative men, I implore you to ask yourselves: Do you really think a strong, law-and-order type leader who relies on classism, racism, and the prison industrial complex to clip the wings of millions for the sole purpose of keeping himself in power is what’s best for this country, or do you just need a DADDY? A Daddy to show you who’s boss and punish you for being such a lowly worm? Really think about it. You thinkin’ about it? Anything going on south of the border? Yup, that’s what I thought. Toss that ugly old red hat and get yourself an account on FetLife. True happiness awaits you. Also, stay out of the voting booth! Remember, some people’s kink is living life by their own terms, and not by the whim of a cruel authority figure. To each their own! 

Sex Offender Goes Door to Door Informing Neighborhood This an ICE Raid

Posted on by Matt Husser

MINNEAPOLIS — Minneapolis residents were reportedly on high alert today after a masked sex offender began going door to door informing them that this was an ICE raid, sources confirmed.

“I was chosen to lead ‘Operation Nubile Justice’ because I have a vast amount of experience going door to door, dealing with locals that for some reason become hostile as soon as I announce who I am and why I’m here. These lawless immigrants should be grateful I’m even asking for their A/S/L papers, because the Department of Homeland Security has authorized me to shoot first and ask who’s 18 later,” said the ICE Agent who refused to give his name, but asked to be called by his code name “The Humbertnator.” “I don’t know what I expected from these illiterate foreigners who can’t even spell ephebophilia even though it’s written right there on the leaflets I posted all over the neighborhood explaining the local age of consent laws.”

White House Border Czar Tom Homan defended the escalation of home raids by ICE agents.

“The tree of liberty requires constant grooming to remain healthy, and our agents are expertly trained in ‘delicately handling’ vulnerable women and children, if you know what I mean. These brave men have been given unlimited authority by President Trump to search every dollhouse, playground, and high school locker room for illegal immigrant activity in our communities,” said Homan, sucking in his gut while trying to squeeze into Greg Bovino’s old jacket. “Now the real constitutional crisis here is that there is an online ‘offender’ registry doxxing thousands of our brave agents on some website run by a radical ANTIFA leftist named Dru Sjodin. Rest assured as soon as we find this perpetrator they will see swift justice.”

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem went on the offensive during a press conference to defend the ICE operation.

“Instead of needlessly digging around in our ICE agents’ pasts, the question you all should be asking is ‘what kind of irresponsible parent would allow their children to come into contact with known sex offenders?’ This kind of reckless child endangerment might be ok in whatever shithole country they’re from, but not here in The United States of America,” said Secretary Noem, swallowing a wad of shredded Epstein File documents. “That’s why we’ve rounded up these precious children and sent them to a special camp in Texas where they’ll be safe from the roving gangs of dangerous sex offenders currently terrorizing Minneapolis.”

At press time, ICE had reportedly commandeered a fleet of ice cream trucks to covertly patrol the neighborhood and conduct their raids.

Alice in Chains Album Buried in Pet Sematary Emerges as Godsmack Album

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LUDLOW, Maine — A copy of Alice in Chains’ 1992 LP “Dirt” buried in the Mi’kmaq grounds behind Ludlow’s famed Pet Sematary emerged as a copy of Godsmack’s 1998 self-titled album, sources report.

“Wow, I really should have considered the consequences of burying that Alice in Chains CD, especially since it was my only copy,” said perpetrator Landon Reed. “I guess curiosity got the better of me, but now I’m definitely regretting my decision. These Godsmack songs sound just like Alice in Chains with all the charm and talent taken out of them. It’s like a bad, boring impersonation of Alice in Chains for angst-ridden teenagers. The CD also violently scratched me when I tried to put it in my Discman. Why couldn’t I have done something less offensive, like bury the corpse of a recently run over cat or a toddler that had been hit by an Orinco truck? This sucks.”

Reed’s neighbor Bud Wendel reacted to the situation.

“Ayuh, I warned Landon against burying that CD,” said Wendel. “Same thing happened back in the winter of ‘18 when Harry Becker buried his old copy of Led Zeppelin’s ‘Physical Graffiti’ and it came out as Greta Van Fleet’s debut. I suppose it’s my fault for taking Landon over the deadfall and showing him that ancient burial ground, but it just had such a draw to it that I couldn’t resist. I told him that what that ground spits back up ain’t what you put into it, and in this case it ended up being a total bastardization. Have you heard the song ‘Time Bomb’ on that awful Godsmack album? It even has electronic elements to it. Ugh, how could I have let Landon do that?”

Alice in Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell couldn’t believe what became of his seminal work.

“Oh man, this is terrible,” Cantrell lamented. “I can appreciate when other artists take inspiration from my work or when fans try to entomb our albums in a burial ground to see what happens, but this is an absolute mockery of Alice in Chains. The lead singer is so obviously trying to sound like Layne, but without all the beautiful harmonies, and the guitar work is missing all the clever lines and lead work that made ‘Dirt’ so great. Remember how profoundly affected you were the first time you heard ‘Down in a Hole’? There’s nothing even close to that on this Godsmack album. Someone needs to spread cement over that entire burial ground so this never happens again.”

At press time, the Godsmack album emerged as a Puddle of Mudd album after being buried in the Pet Sematary again.

Opening Band Impresses Headliner With 45 Minutes of Meticulous Tuning

Posted on by James Knapp

DENVER — Local math-ska band Honkzonga recently wasted theirs and everyone else’s time while trying to impress the headliner for a show they somehow conned their way onto, sources who think that actually went pretty well confirmed.

“We don’t get asked to play a lot of shows, so we really wanted to show that we know what we’re doing and are professionals. And we figured what better way to do that than to let the headliner check out our extensive, some might say excessive tuning process,” explained Honkzonga bass player Freddy Plemmons. “I think we really blew them away! Some people were so impressed they couldn’t even make eye contact with us — some even left the venue to smoke what I assume were celebration cigarettes.”

Despite the band’s self-assurance, audience members were less enthusiastic about the tuning process seemingly designed as some sort of Jigsaw-esque punishment.

“Math-ska tuning: I didn’t know this level of hell existed,” remarked showgoer Glen Henderson. “I’m jaded enough to have accepted that local shows are always going to be a bit of a technical minefield, but this felt like a stress that went out of control. It was worse than the time I went to a folk punk show and they spent twenty minutes trying to get the right levels in the monitor for the saw player.”

Headlining band Blood Butt and the Stool Softeners gave their perspective on the tone adjustment holocaust they had to witness.

“It was amazing! Oh my goodness, how are we not the ones opening for those guys!” said genuinely enthusiastic Blood Butt frontman David “Fissure” Clark. “I mean, the way they just kept on tuning and tuning and tuning without stop — they must be real professionals. Sure it set the whole show back by six hours and now we’re gonna miss the next tour stop because of it, but fuck Iowa City anyway. This was worth it!”

At press time, members of Honkzonga were compiling a highly detailed and specific list of needs that they’re sure the sound guy at their next show will be thrilled to implement for them.

Democrat Loses on Purpose To Write Memoir

Posted on by Tyler Roland

MUNCIE, Ind. — Democratic gubernatorial candidate Wesley Ellison admitted to purposely phoning in his run for governor while writing a memoir reflecting on his loss, apathetic sources confirmed.

“I didn’t put too much energy into my campaign, but I did spend a lot of time thinking about potential paperback sales,” Ellison asserted. “My memoir paints a picture of a tarnished nation — powerless now, but poised to rise from dictatorial ashes in the future, emphasis on ‘future.’ I am shocked and appalled by Trump’s rape of American democracy. However, I am not in favor of confronting it with bloodshed, or, for that matter, any action whatsoever. Putting a halt to the bulldozing of the Trump administration would take serious effort. Rather than help restore the foundations of democracy, I did something profitable on a personal level. We’ll plan on doing something. Eventually. In the meantime, please buy my new book, ‘American Blues: How the ‘Radical Left’ Will End Up On the ‘Radical Right’ Side of History.’”  

Dwight Sederman, one of Ellison’s voters, is displeased with the decision of the candidate he supported.

“Well, I was never really a ‘supporter,’” Sederman clarified. “I don’t believe in idolizing politicians, and the whole ‘The Coolest Wes Since Anderson’ slogan felt weird and irrelevant. Now we have that asshole [Rick] Reynolds running the show. He just posted ‘get ready for an ICE-cold summer’ on Twitter, although I’m sure he would throw a fit if anyone in his office called it that. Thanks a lot, Ellishit, you just set our state back forty years.”

Elise Victor, the publisher of memoir, sees a bright future for Ellison’s book.

“I think of him as the next Jake Tapper or Hillary Clinton, in terms of hand-wringing writing,” said Victor. “We’re about to tear the New York Times bestseller list a new asshole. People are saying he could have been hosting rallies in more rural areas, like Reynolds was, but Wes kept writing like a man possessed, sending me drafts that would make Obama weep.”

At press time, Ellison’s memoir had 16 preorders through Barnes & Noble, and a further nine through Amazon, after Chuck Schumer gave it a shoutout in a recent press conference.

I Was One of the Angst-Ridden Teens in the “Last Resort” Music Video, and You Will Address Me With the Respect I Deserve

Posted on by Steve Packosky

What the fuck did you just say to me? I can’t believe your insolence, but I’ll be willing to give you the benefit of a great deal of doubt since you likely don’t know who I am. You see, in the Year of Our Lord 2000, I was featured as one of the angst-ridden teens in the music video for nu-metal band Papa Roach’s “Last Resort”. As such, you will address me with the respect that is due to someone of such rank and nobility.

That’s right. How dare you deign to look me in the eyes and speak to me so boldly. Can you be seen in plain view next to Sacramento’s greatest nu-metal band as they gifted the viewer with heavily censored lyrics over a recycled Iron Maiden guitar lead? No, you can’t, and it shows. It shows in the pathetic, pompous manner in which you carry yourself, and it shows in the reprehensible tone you adopt when speaking to people who are obviously better than you, such as myself.

Not only were my gorgeous goatee, spiked hair, and choker chain prominently displayed in the black expanse the band chose for the music video’s primary setting, but I also admitted the production crew into my bedroom for a shot of me glaring obstinately at the camera. My performance complemented the anthemic tune beautifully, likely taking it to positions on the charts it wouldn’t otherwise have reached. And what contributions have you made to society, you oafish ingrate? What did you accomplish prior to telling me to “watch where I’m going” after bumping into me as I’m stepping out of this Red Robin? That’s right. Nothing. 

The absolute gall it takes to show yourself in my presence, unjustifiably content with your life and completely unaware of the greatness you’re defiling simply by breathing the same air. My stomach roils at the sight of you, but I dare not upset the sidewalk with my sick, lest you erroneously conclude that you’re worthy of the time and effort it took me to double over and retch. 

So go on, continue occupying your day with whatever meaningless little tasks you undertake to stay amused and entertained, swine, and I’ll go back to gracing various establishments in this strip mall with my presence. You’ll surely never forget me, but what do you think the odds are that your pitiable visage will never cross my mind again? Ah, yes, I think Papa Roach put it best when they said “chances are dynamite”.