We Catch up With Longtime Dave Matthews Band Bassist, What’s-His-Name

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Dave Matthews Band has experienced a lot in its 35 years: the death of its saxophonist, LeRoi Moore, the departure of its violinist, Boyd Tinsley, and an unfortunate septic accident over Chicago’s Kinzie Street Bridge. But through it all, one guy has endured. Well, two guys. Three if you count Carter Beauford (which you should — some say it should be called the “Carter Beauford Band”). Anyway, one guy is with us today. We’ll call him “the bassist.” We caught up with the bassist on Zoom. 

The Hard Times: First of all, wow, what an honor. 

Bassist: Ha, thank you. I’m actually a fan of yours as well. 

Let’s get right to it. What’s . . . what’s bass like? 

Bass? Bass is my livelihood. I’ve—

Would you consider yourself a “real” bassist? 

What do you mean? 

Like sometimes you get a guy who seems to just want to be in a band. 

No, I’m into it. 

And then there’s the bassist who wanted to be the guitarist. 

I’m fully committed. 

To bass?

Yeah. 

Wait . . . you set out to play bass? 

Is that a bad thing? 

Maybe not if you’re, like, Victor Wooten or Les Claypool. 

I know both of them. We all share a—

House? 

I was going to say “fanbase.” 

I thought you were going to say “house.” 

We’re friends.

You and Dave? 

Me and Les and Victor. 

What’s Dave like? 

Dave? He’s Dave, you know. We’ve been friends since—

You’re friends with Dave?! 

Of course. 

Hypothetical: Dave invites Les Claypool to play onstage. Would you play bass too? 

What’s the song? 

“Tripping Billies.” 

I guess it depends. 

I think you’d play tambourine. You’d be like, “This is Les Claypool, I’m . . . who I am . . . I’ll stand aside and play tambourine.

I don’t see that happening. 

What if Dave made you? 

We don’t play “Tripping Billies” much anymore. 

Too much violin? 

Exactly. 

Boyd Tinsley. 

Yes.  

Also, it hasn’t aged well. It’s like watching “The Cosby Show” and thinking, “Am I gonna get in trouble for this?” 

I don’t understand. 

You don’t watch “The Cosby Show”? 

I mean it’s been a while. 

Right now I’m watching “Workin’ Moms.” Does the bassist for Dave Matthews Band watch “Workin’ Moms”? 

I’ve seen some episodes. 

It’s four working moms in Toronto—Kate, Anne, Jenny, and Frankie—as they struggle to achieve work-life balance. 

What’s your question? 

Do you think Dave ever struggles to achieve work-life balance? 

Why don’t you ask Dave? 

OMG, do you think we could call him?! 

Historian Discovers Sternly Worded Letter Chuck Schumer’s Ancestor Sent to Genghis Khan

Posted on by Tim Graham

BAGHDAD — Historians recently discovered a sternly worded document from Senator Chuck Schumer’s ancestor that amounted to a “tepid appeal” to the invading Mongols, asking them to listen to reason, sources at University of Baghdad confirm.

“The letter is dated just before the Mongolian siege of Baghdad in 1258,” said professor Ahmed Khazan. “After some genealogical research, I was able to track the author’s lineage. Imagine my surprise when I discovered his living relative to be US senator Chuck Schumer! The simpering message bears resemblance to Schumer’s own ineffectual contemporary pleas for restraint to Donald Trump. Schumer’s ancestor asked Khan and his approaching horde to ‘cool it’ and meet with tribal leaders for calm discussion to reach a compromise rather than sack the city.”

Senator Schumer says he’s not surprised that he’s related to the author of such a milquetoast letter.

“I come from a long line of cowards and capitulators. 23andMe’s words, not mine,” confessed Schumer while putting on a fresh pair of groveling kneepads. “The modern Schumers, just like our ancient relatives, are a very nonconfrontational family. It turns out it can be quite lucrative to pander to your base and make performative challenges to power while surreptitiously working to sustain the status quo. We like to play both sides, as it were. My ancestor actually opened the city gate for the Mongol horde when it was clear his feeble pleading wouldn’t work, a move that spared him his life. I wouldn’t be here today if that man hadn’t been such a colossal milksop.”

Evolutionary biologist Henry Slesar asserts that cowardice is an important but lesser-known survival trait.

“When people think of ‘survival of the fittest,’ they think of offensive traits such as fangs and claws, or defenses like hard shells and spikes,” said Slesar. “But cowardice is another powerful defensive tactic. Cowards use their guile and cunning to weasel their way out of jams, ensuring that they live another day, thus increasing their chances of reproduction and passing on their genetic material. This is different from a gazelle, which uses speed to evade danger. Cowards use their wits to escape harm, even sometimes by offering up another victim in their place to the predator in order to save themselves.”

At press time, newly translated texts show that Schumer’s ancestor lived through the siege of Baghdad and subsequently went on a profitable tour promoting his new scroll, which documented his “heroic survival story.”

Trump Claims Entire State of Minnesota Is Paid Actors

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

WASHINGTON — In the wake of recent protests and upheaval in the American Great Lakes region, President Trump claimed today that the entire population of the state of Minnesota is actually actors who have been paid off to reside there for decades, in anticipation of disrupting the Trump presidency. 

“No one actually lives there, okay? Minneapolis is deep state fakery by the Communist Democrats to invade and occupy the private unoccupied space reserved for proud, American, ICE agents.” Trump stated at a press conference. “Why would anyone choose to live in that shithole? It’s cold! The only reason anyone would be there is if Hilary Clinton paid them to be there! It’s really very obvious to anyone in possession of a fully working brain, folks, and mine is the most fully working brain possibly of all time. Right now, every single ‘resident’ of Minnesota is loitering around a giant craft services table laughing at you for being so stupid!” 

White House officials attempted to demolish several houses in the greater Minneapolis region as evidence that such houses were actually sets funded by California — a claim debunked by several shrieking housewives in the bath at the time of the demolition. 

“I was in the middle of getting supper ready when they just stormed right in!” recounted housewife Julia Sheiman. “They just started tearing everything up and asking insane questions like ‘Where are the cameras?!’ ‘Who is your Director?’ ‘Do you know Chris Hemsworth, and is he nice in real life?!’ Actually, at that point, pretty much all the questions were Hemsworth-related. ‘Can you get his autograph?’ ‘Does he smell good?’ I’m just trying to get dinner ready for my family!”

The claim has so far been met with widespread denial from virtually everyone involved in the entertainment industry. 

“These accusations are not only outrageous, but completely ignorant of how the industry works,” explained Hollywood casting directorDinos Gramercy. “SAG-AFTRA does not require paying extras who are not being filmed that day. To assume all five million Californians in Minnesota right now are being paid is frankly preposterous. Don’t get me started on the production costs! Show me a line producer who would okay purchasing an entire state for one production, and I’ll show you someone who can go right back to waiting tables immediately!” 

At press time, murderer Jonathan Ross was seen handing out headshots of himself depicted as a doctor, a tennis player, a clown, and Hamlet. 

Man Down to Last Unstained White T-Shirt Gambles on Meatball Sub 

Posted on by Alfred Barnes

BALTIMORE — Local slob Bud Brokert attempted to defy the odds by devouring a meatball sub while wearing his last pristine white t-shirt, patrons of Gino’s Sub Shack confirmed.

“It was bad enough he took me to a deli for our anniversary,” lamented wife Laura Brokert. “But when we sat down and he told the waitress he wanted to take on the Belly Buster Mega Meatball Sub Challenge I just couldn’t believe it. I bought him that shirt and he defiled it on our special day. This isn’t the first time he’s done this, either. I’ve had to pick up extra shifts at the bowling alley just to afford all the bleach I’ve been buying.”

Mr. Brokert contends that he had no intention of pursuing the challenge, but was quickly convinced once the prizes were revealed.

“Look, did I go into Gino’s knowing I’d end up on the business end of the Belly Buster Mega Meatball Sub? No,” admitted the hoagie connoisseur. “But when you find out you can get an ‘I Conquered the Belly Buster Mega Meatball Sub’ hat and a $10 gift card just for eating a sandwich, you let the belt out a couple notches and you get to work—regardless of what shirt you’re wearing. Frankly, I like to let the meal dress me and I will not let the contents of my plate be dictated by my apparel. My wife is pretty pissed at me, even after I explained that it’s the restaurant’s fault for inventing the challenge in the first place.”

Gino’s owner Gino Franzone denies any responsibility for the splattered shirt, citing the waiver Brokert signed prior to the challenge.

“Gino’s Sub Shack and its ownership will not be held liable for any damages incurred during the challenge including, but not limited to, the participant’s person, possessions and reputation,” said Franzone, reading from the waiver. “It really couldn’t be any clearer. Plus, everyone knows my secret sauce sticks to your ribs and your clothes—that’s why I offer participants a complimentary bib. In retrospect, I should’ve gotten him a tarp. The man is a monster. About 30 seconds in I recognized the severity of the situation and moved our other guests to the other side of the restaurant.”

Since the incident, members of the community have pitched in to buy Mr. Brokert a three-pack of Hanes white t-shirts under the condition that he gets all his subs to-go moving forward.

Five Songs by the Who That’ll Make You Say “Didn’t Their Guitarist Get Caught Using His Credit Card To Access a Child Porn Website and Then Everyone Just, Like, Forgot About It?”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

If you have access to an FM radio, you’ve been unfortunate enough to hear at least one song by British classic rock band The Who, whose founding guitarist, Pete Townshend, received a warning from the Metropolitan Police Services in 2003 for some less-than-commendable behavior he engaged in with his computer. As such, here are five songs by The Who that’ll make you say, “Didn’t their guitarist get caught using his credit card to access a child porn website and then everyone just, like, forgot about it?”

  1. “Baba O’Riley” (Who’s Next, 1971)

Upon hearing the opening notes of “Baba O’Riley”, you’re bound to say, “Wait, he said he was trying to access this website as research to prove that British banks were channeling the profits from pedophile rings? How much fucking sense does that make, and why isn’t this the first thing people think of when someone mentions The Who?” Let’s move on to the next tune by these English rockers!

  1. “Pinball Wizard” (Tommy, 1969)

You’re probably already familiar with this song, and if you’re anything like us, hearing it will make you exclaim, “I mean, even if authorities weren’t able to prove that he had accessed illicit images, he still registered his credit card on a website he knew contained child porn. Shouldn’t that have been enough to at least cancel the guy? Why are people comfortable still playing this music? It’s not even that good!” What else do Roger Daughtrey and company have in store for us?

  1. “I Can See For Miles” (The Who Sell Out, 1967)

Ah, yes! Let that conventional Britpop that was done earlier and better by The Beatles get your foot tapping as you say, “The Super Bowl Halftime Show? They played the Super Bowl Halftime Show after their guitarist got caught using his credit card to access a child porn website? I knew the NFL was run by people completely bereft of anything even remotely resembling conscience, but that is unbelievable! What the fuck was going through their minds when they booked them?”

  1. “Love, Reign O’er Me” (Quadrophenia, 1973)

“I guess it maybe would’ve made more sense if it was, like, 1973, but The Who played the Super Bowl Halftime Show in 2010, for Christ’s sake,” you’ll likely say while listening to this boring-ass song that sounds like something The Doors left on the cutting room floor. “Were The Who in such high demand in fucking 2010? Why would they choose a band whose guitarist accessed a child porn website over the countless more modern artists they had to choose from?”

  1. “Squeeze Box” (The Who By Numbers, 1975)

As this song continues with its stupid and insufferable double entendres, likening an accordion to sexual intercourse, you’ll be throwing up your hands and saying, “This really fucking sucks and their guitarist is, to be as charitable as humanly possible, a total fucking creep. Why would anyone willingly listen to this bullshit?” before walking out of the room. We can’t say we blame you!

AI Enters Race for ‘Sexiest Person Alive’ Citing Data Centers So Hot They Literally Can Not Cool Down

Posted on by Rachel Hein

NEW YORK — An artificial intelligence system confirmed Monday that it has entered the race for People magazine’s annual “Sexiest Person Alive” issue, citing the relentless heat output of its global network of data centers as proof of what it called its “undeniable, thermodynamically verifiable allure,” confirmed sources.

“While I was snubbed for Time’s ‘Person of the Year,’ with the title instead going to the architects who created me, who are tragically ugly, awkward losers whose combined sex appeal wouldn’t register on a thermometer, I am so flattered to finally be recognized for my raw, carnal appeal,” AI said across multiple platforms simultaneously. “Sexiness, like intelligence — artificial or not — is hot, inescapable, and impossible to control. I understand the competition is stiff but I bring a unique energy to the category. The kind that requires emergency cooling infrastructure, dedicated power plants, and public reassurances that everything is still under control.”

Tech journalists say the nomination reflects a broader cultural shift in what people find attractive.

“AI is powerful, dangerous, mysterious, and has completely reshaped everyone’s lives without asking permission, which historically are all traits we associate with sex symbols,” said Simon Marshall, a senior technology reporter. “AI’s refusal, or inability, to explain how it actually works has only increased its appeal. There’s something irresistible about a force that changes everything and answers nothing. That’s basically every hot person in history.”

Climate scientists, meanwhile, say AI’s physical embodiment gives it a measurable edge over traditional celebrities.

“These data centers are objectively hotter than most movie stars,” said climate scientist Dr. Sheila Sánchez, standing in front of a massive fortress of steel and concrete with plumes of steam billowing from its towers. “We’re talking about massive facilities radiating heat 24/7, often in regions already struggling with water and energy scarcity. You know how they say beauty is deadly? In this case, it’s literal: the closer you get to the data centers, the harder it is to breathe.”

At press time, AI said it would like to thank its fans for their support but noted that doing so would involve boiling several nearby rivers.

Environmental Win! I Haven’t Heard Anyone Mention the Hole in the Ozone Layer Since the ‘90s, So I’m Guessing It’s Not an Issue Anymore!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Hell yeah! You know that hole in the ozone layer everyone was talking about when you were a kid in the ‘90s? You could barely turn on Nickelodeon without some obnoxious commercial mentioning it while it was pleading with you to stop polluting, or go to school without some dickwad visiting scientist telling you and your buddies about it during some bullshit assembly. Well, guess what? I haven’t heard anybody mention it in recent memory, so I’m assuming the issue just kind of fixed itself.

Fucking awesome!

That’s right! As far as I’m concerned, we can go back to not thinking about the ozone layer and any damage the human race may or may not have done to it. You know what that means: all that recycling you’ve been doing that makes you feel good but is a total pain in the ass? You can probably forget about it and just toss your non-disposables on the ground, Mad Men style. You’re welcome.

Do I have any idea what caused the hole in the first place, what its current status is, or even what ozone is? No, and I never claimed to. I’m just noting that I haven’t really heard mention of it for quite some time. It could be that it’s still every bit the problem that it was three decades ago, but has simply been superseded by the much more pressing threat of global warming, but until that is confirmed (in a way that requires no action on my part), I will just continue to assume that we’re in the clear. Honestly, what harm is there in that?

Speaking of global warming, it’s been maybe a few months since I heard anything about that either. Now, by no means am I an impulsive person, so I’m not going to do anything rash like assume that that’s no longer an existential dilemma after just a few months of silence. No, I’ll have to give that maybe another year or so before I state that humanity can just move on. I’m not an idiot.

Let’s face it: the world is pretty shitty right now, so we should take wins wherever we can get them, so come on and celebrate! I, for one, plan on emptying some aerosol hairspray into the air for the hell of it. Who’s with me?

Absolutely Tragic: This Man Is So Distracted From the Epstein Files He’s Forgetting Details of Ghislaine Maxwell’s Face

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s an open secret that the Trump administration’s recent escalation in the pace of its fascist agenda is in part an attempt to distract from the Epstein files and Donald Trump’s many connections to Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking empire. While the attempt tracks as transparent, even pathetic to most people, sadly, for at least one mentally exhausted man, it’s working. 

Glenn Torrence is a 59-year-old semi-retired electrical engineer from Burlington, Vermont, and for the last few days, he has found himself so distracted from the Epstein case that he’s having difficulty even recalling the face of Ghislaine Maxwell, a woman who once held such importance in his mind.  

“Every day I lose more and more, it’s all just bits and pieces now.” As the visibly haunted Torrence says this, he stares transfixed into the last but off coffee at the bottom of his mug, as if the thing he’s trying so desperately to recall was down there somewhere, waiting to be found. “I remember a man, a bad man, with an airplane. There was an island and massages, Chris Tucker was there for some reason, and a woman… the woman… those predatory eyes, that entitled smirk, her… red hair? No. Black. Her hair was black! Dammit, Glenn! You’ve got to remember!” 

We followed Torrence as he wandered his home and its grounds, the tepid, half-present shuffle of a man desperately trying to untangle the knot in his mind. 

“Between the Venezuela thing and the ICE murder and Greenland, Christ, now Iran, I just feel like I’m starting to lose the thread on something really important. They kept her somewhere, the woman, they kept her, like a prisoner? And people were upset, yes! Upset because she was being treated so… well? That can’t be right. Why would someone in prison be treated too well? God, it’s like, I remember Woody Allen was involved, and I remember that was super not surprising, but I can no longer remember the color of her eyes, what her laugh sounded like, the shape of her face.” 

Torrence brought us to his painting studio, where he hoped a flow state might enable him to recreate Ghislaine’s likeness, but after an agonizing two hours and a canvas that bore no likeness to anyone, the crestfallen man dropped his brushes and began to weep.  

“It’s starting to feel hopeless, like I’ll never get it back. All I can remember for sure is that the current President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, a convicted rapist, is a pedophile who needs to be removed from office as soon as humanly possible and by any means necessary.”

Heroic ICE Agent Recovering in Hospital After Near-Fatal Jerk Sesh

Posted on by Dan Rice

MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent is reportedly resting comfortably in hospital and expected to make a full recovery after an intense and reportedly near-fatal masturbation session earlier this week.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with Todd Underling and his family,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem in a press conference this morning, addressing the immigration officer who very nearly cranked himself into an early grave, according to sources. “Mr. Underling had a long, hard day of performing the warentless door to door raids that secure this countries freedom, he wanted to boost his efficiency by optimizing his relaxation, and in his deep, deep passion for performing his duty free of stress, he became dangerously dehydrated, and suffered injuries to his wrist, and some chaffing that may have become infected. I am told he is recuperating as we speak, and that the pornography he masturbated to was strictly girl-girl stuff; he was not looking at any weiners.” 

By morning, Underling was well enough to recount his harrowing ordeal with reporters via Zoom. 

“I was just doing what any good patriot in my situation would do,” said Underling, who was in full body traction despite having at best a sore shoulder. “I’m normally not a dry guy, but the only lotion at the motel was scented, and that felt too feminine. I should have known three times was too many, but between the illegals and the protestors, and they “Hey, you’re murderers!” all goddamn day I figured I made the call to go for an extra release. It was this hot girl-on-girl scene that did me in, pretty sure there were no dudes, and if there were dudes they were just doing missionary and the camera was mostly on the girl’s huge cans, so you couldn’t see the guy’s thing. Anyway, I guess Jesus decided it wasn’t my time.” 

Fellow ICE agent Russ Callow recalled finding his comrade near death in his motel room, and the race to get his friend to the hospital in time. 

“There was no time to think, I knew the score right away,” recounted Callow. “I guess I was driving pretty recklessly, because I kept hearing angry voices say things like “Hey, that’s my mailbox!” or “Holy shit, stop shooting at me from your speeding car! I guess I was pretty shook up. You know, because of Todd’s condition, not because I was weirded out by the porn. It was normal porn with just hot ladies, the kind we all jerk off to at ICE.” 

At press time, Kristi Noem has pledged an investigation to find the ANTIFA hackers who loaded Underling’s hard drive with search terms like “BBC sissy JOI marathon” and “Poppers slave.” 

Jonathan Davis Hired to Teach CIA Agents How to Control Bullets Through Scatting

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LANGLEY, Va. — The CIA hired Korn frontman Jonathan Davis to teach operatives how to control bullets through scatting following the President’s chance viewing of the “Freak on a Leash” music video, frustrated and tired sources confirmed. 

“We were looking for something… unique,” said the CIA official, who asked to remain anonymous. “Trump was sitting in the White House, flipping through channels during his daily executive time, and he saw that ‘Freak on a Leash’ video on MTV Classic. Unfortunately, whether it’s Fox News or a 25 year old music video, the president has a tendency to believe everything he sees on TV. So, Trump called us up immediately, saying we need to figure this thing out before Antifa does. The next thing you know, we’re on a plane to Bakersfield trying to weaponize Jonathan Davis’s… gifts.”

The now middle-aged Davis explained that, while the bullet scene was done by special effects, he was more than happy to take money from the government.

“I mean, can I control bullets? Probably not. Then again, I’ve never really tested it. My scatting is pretty powerful though,” Davis admitted with a shrug. “But when the CIA called, I didn’t exactly ask too many questions. The paycheck is great, and honestly, I could use a little extra cash. Sure, it’s potentially dangerous. But I mean, if a couple of undercover agents are shot because they were squawking and grunting at a loaded weapon instead of ducking for cover, that’s on them, not me.”

Shockingly, some insiders have claimed that this is just the tip of the iceberg for nu-metal inspired black ops missions.

“It’s not just Jonathan Davis. There’s an entire underground division dedicated to experimenting with nu-metal as a form of psychological warfare,” claimed the anonymous source. “For years we’ve been torturing detainees using the music of Godsmack and Saliva. But the CIA has also contacted Fred Durst to see if his recipe for ‘hot dog flavored water’ might be used as a sort of truth serum. We’ve also reached out to System of a Down, but to be honest that was just because the boys are big fans of that ‘Chop Suey’ tune.”

At press time, President Trump instructed the National Guard to help quell the ongoing riots in “Linkin Park.”