Sober Bostonian Not Into Sports Also an Asshole

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

BOSTON — Local Bostonian Shawn Williams is still as much of an asshole as any other 47-year-old white male in the region despite his lifelong abstention from alcohol and utter disinterest in athletic competitions, reported several sources who smelled like if a cigarette could grow mildew.

“I’ve been tight with Shawn since third grade,” friend Peter Sullivan said. “And like me and every other dude we grew up with and our kids, he’s always been an asshole. But I swear to Brady, you’ll never hear of him downing eight nips and then throwing the empties at the dude at Kane’s because of the Bruins getting knocked out of the playoffs. And no, it’s not like he has an ankle monitor or anything, I promise. I mean, he did like five years ago, but not anymore.”

Williams cites his traumatic upbringing as helping shape him into becoming the man he is today.

“My most formidable memory occurred during the 1986 Major League Baseball championship series. A Boston Red Sox player made an apparently crucial error that resulted in my gin-soaked father throwing our television through our front window,” Williams said. “My father had been my hero but I knew right then and there that I would be a boorish lout like him and my eight older brothers, but I would do so without the corrupting influences of alcohol and athletics.” 

Sociologist Elaine Ashley says Williams “challenges and upends” notions of residential determinism that had long been accepted as true among the scientific community.

“While not common, it’s not unheard of for a Bostonian of Williams’ demographics to substitute a dependency on alcohol with one on wearing the same unwashed Johnny Damon jersey they’ve had since 2004 every goddamn day, or to be so consistently loaded that it’s for the best that they not care about sports for the sake of the greater public,” Ashley said. “What is unheard of is for neither quality to be present. And yet, he’s still unmistakenly a complete and utter dickhead. Even more than the rest of them, honestly.”
At press time, Williams was opening his third daily serving of Sanpellegrino Limonata “chilled to precisely 42°F” and preparing to record an episode of his podcast about how “the architecture of New York reflects the city’s inability to cohere grandeur and warmth.”

The Next Nosferatu? This Guy Just Fucked My Wife

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It seems these days that we are constantly being inundated with content, whether it’s from the Internet, television, or movies. As such, the lines between media and reality are becoming increasingly blurred. Case in point, right now I’m unsure whether I’m living out Thomas Hutter’s story from the 2024 Gothic horror film “Nosferatu”, because some guy just fucked my wife.

Granted, I’m not employed as a real estate agent in a quaint little German town in the early 1800s, but I did recently get cucked by Derek, the assistant manager at our local Bob Evans, so I’m hard-pressed to think of a notable difference between us. I can’t even prove that my wife Cara didn’t have some sort of profound psychic connection with the guy. I mean, we eat at his restaurant fairly regularly, so he’s been at least tangentially aware of us for some years at this point. He may not be a wealthy Transylvanian count, but the similarities here are too big to ignore.

And get this! Much like Thomas getting stricken ill from Nosferatu’s bite and being cared for by a group of Eastern Orthodox nuns, I came down with a nasty case of food poisoning from the Farmer’s Choice Breakfast last month, and as the assistant manager, Derek was ultimately responsible. Also, the lady who took my blood pressure at the MedExpress definitely had Slavic features, so the parallels between my situation and Robert Eggers’ masterpiece just keep showing themselves. 

Who’s to say my wife’s recent tryst with this guy wasn’t done as a way of warding off some invasive, deadly plague, just like in the movie? I’d like to think so, especially because I’m desperate for a way to excuse this most recent slip-up of Cara’s for the sake of my marriage. I mean, the world completely shut down from the COVID-19 pandemic just a few short years ago. It seems completely feasible to me that the only reason we’re not currently dealing with its next iteration is that Cara let this dude raw-dog her behind the dumpsters while I was using the ATM in the Speedway down the street.

Oh well, maybe I’m over-thinking this whole situation, and this guy really isn’t the next Nosferatu. Or maybe I’m not, in which case I’d like to pat myself on the back for my comprehension skills. Only time will tell. In the meantime, some guy at the bus station just offered me $12 to jack off in front of him, so I may be reliving the film “Indecent Proposal”. I’ll get back to you on that one.

Ian Mackaye Accused of Selling Out After Listing Old Mattress on Facebook Marketplace

Posted on by Jamie Godin

WASHINGTON — Discord Records co-founder and legendary punk frontman Ian MacKaye is facing accusations of selling out after posting a 20-year-old mattress for sale on Facebook Marketplace, igniting a wave of outrage in the area’s tight-knit hardcore community.

“I thought DIY meant building your own bed frame out of cinder blocks, not hawking a Mattress Firm cage on Zuckerberg’s mall,” said 52-year-old hardcore punk purist Ken Pearsall, after seeing the Facebook Marketplace post describing the mattress as “lightly used” and “great for a guest room.” “This cuts fucking deep, man. I dedicated my whole life to this scene, staying pure and never selling myself out. I guess you either die young or live long enough to watch your anti-capitalist heroes turn into used mattress-peddling corporate shills. I guess I’ll just go work for that marketing firm my mom tried to get me a job at in the ’80s.”

Within hours, the post spread through local punk Facebook groups, sparking debate over whether it broke the anti-commercialist code MacKaye has long championed, though he seemed baffled by the criticism.

“I don’t know why this keeps fucking happening,” MacKaye said. “A couple weeks ago I asked if anyone wanted to buy my extra copy of Michael Crichton’s ‘Sphere’ that I accidentally bought at a secondhand bookstore for $3. Some guy showed up, yelled at me for charging cover price, and called me a sellout. It was three fucking dollars. I’m honestly worried what’ll happen if these people find my Etsy account. I make butterfly-shaped coasters out of scrap cork.”

Some observers argue the mattress incident reveals more about the expectations of the punk community than about MacKaye himself.

“This isn’t just about a mattress. This is a tangible sign that the late ’80s post-hardcore moral code has entered eBay-era capitalism,” said music critic Lila Reyes. “One can only wonder if he’ll auction his old guitar strings next. It’s hard to say whether the moral fabric of this scene can hold. Will Kim Gordon start hocking NFTs? Will Henry Rollins be a guest spot at the Pepsi Super Bowl halftime show with Bad Bunny? Only time will tell.”

At press time, neighbors reported steady foot traffic at MacKaye’s D.C. home to see the unsold mattress, a spectacle that had longtime fans debating principles they once treated as gospel and quietly wondering if they’ll survive even the simplest morality tests.

Kristi Noem Has Already Condemned This Post, Which Criticizes ICE, as an Act of Domestic Terrorism

Posted on by danerice

INTERNET — Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has categorically condemned the publication of the article you are currently reading, which criticizes ICE over the murder that one of their agents committed yesterday, as an act of domestic terrorism, orchestrated by ANTIFA, and “Nothing short of pure sedition,” sources, i.e., us, confirm. 

“This is treason, plain and simple!” claimed the collective of botox and hatred that is Kristi Noem. “ICE was well within its bounds to execute the terrorist known as Renee Nicole Good. Thanks to their brave work, that single mother will never hurt anyone by driving away from them ever again, and to frame the narrative in any other way is a crime on par with 9/11. Furthermore,” Noem added, turning her gaze to the internet itself and by extension you, the reader, “Anyone participating in this clear act of domestic terrorism by looking at it will be investigated, prosecuted, or worse. You’ve seen what we do to troublemakers poking their noses in where they don’t belong.” 

The post, which simply describes the murder we all witnessed yesterday as a murder and calls for some form of accountability, is now on a Government watchlist for anti-American activity, a move met with shock and confusion by the guy writing this thing. 

“This is fuckign absurd!” I said, just now. “That guy committed a murder, and everyone in the country watched him do it. The fact that you are even trying to spin this any other way is ghoulish, moronic, and frankly pathetic. You are all cowards! Oh, and have fun calling everything you don’t like ‘domestic terrorism,’ like that even hits anymore. All you’re doing is changing the definition of the words “domestic terrorism” to ‘a thing some piece of shit doesn’t like,’ that’s how language works, you sort of diluted the brand. Hey, get your fucking hands off me! He,y what the fuck?!”   

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as soon as they let me out of this van. 

Year in Review: We Look Back on the Countless Atrocities of 2026

Posted on by Jon Wood

Well, 2026, it’s been quite the ride. Sure, we’re only eight days in, but I think we can all agree that now is the time for reflection and officially pinning all of our hopes on 2027. Join us for a look back at the appalling events of this already long and tumultuous year. 

A Promising Start: Mamdami Takes Office

Admittedly, 2026 was off to a good start. Zohran Mamdani was sworn in as the mayor of New York City at the stroke of midnight on January 1st. For a fleeting moment, the millions desperate for a reprieve from the nation’s affordability crisis experienced a spark of joy before everything went tits up.

US Attacks Venezuela

While most of us were still nursing hangovers, US military forces bombed the Venezuelan capital and abducted its head of state. This flagrant breach of international law didn’t just plunge the region into chaos; it effectively signaled the collapse of a post-WWII global order and obliterated any hope of a dry January.

Annexation of Greenland

As if violating the sovereignty of one nation wasn’t enough, the Trump Administration immediately turned its male gaze toward Greenland, drawing further international condemnation for threatening to seize the autonomous Danish territory by force. Really kills your motivation to get those 10k steps a day in. 

PBS and NPR Defunded

The nonprofit responsible for over half a century of public broadcasting in the US was permanently dissolved this week. Without government funding, the future of beloved institutions like PBS and NPR (and the free press they represent) is now in grave peril. Tiny Desk Concerts will certainly hit different with all of the ICE recruitment ads they’ll need to run.

Preventable Diseases on the Rise

Remember when the CDC gutted its guidance on childhood vaccinations, slashing the immunization schedule just as diseases once considered “eliminated” began reaching epidemic proportions nationwide. Yeah, a few days ago was a crazy time. 

Fifth Anniversary of Capitol Riot

Five years after a violent mob stormed the US Capitol on January 6th, we were forced to relive the trauma, reminding us not only of the fragile foundations of our democracy but also the gross miscarriage of justice for those responsible.

ICE Executes Unarmed Citizen

More than 2,000 federal agents surged into Minneapolis, terrorizing local communities in raids that resulted in the tragic death of Renee Good, a legal citizen and mother who, by all appearances, was gunned down while attempting to flee a nightmarish situation.

Devastating Strike on Kyiv

We witnessed a major escalation in the war against Ukraine as Russia unleashed an estimated 500 drones and 40 missiles on the capital — one of the largest attacks in months. That was actually two weeks ago, so technically the end of 2025, but the fallout will continue to bleed into this year and probably many more to come!

Trump Withdraws the U.S. from 66 International Organizations and Treaties

Just in case there was a single citizen of the world who didn’t get the message “We’re the main villain now” loud and clear, Trump decided to end the U.S’s cooperation in efforts to, among other things, stop the earth from dying. 

On the plus side, we have plenty of time to plan and make 2027 our year! You know, if we survive. 

White House to Debut Non-Woke Version of Jesus Christ Called John America

Posted on by Sean Fallon

WASHINGTON — The White House announced the debut of a non-woke version of Jesus Christ called John America, confirmed sources.

“Republicans love Jesus,” said Tom Pool, head of the White House spiritual marketing department. “But some of his woke agenda doesn’t translate to the modern MAGA voter and their values. Our focus groups found Jesus too weak on borders, too anti-capitalist, and too potentially brown for their tastes. We felt Jesus needed an update to bring him in line with modernity and voting trends in the white males over 45 with no college education demographic.”

Abigail Stan, one of the architects of the fascist playbook Project 2025, welcomed the update.

“Jesus is a woke libtard,” said Stan, taking a break from her hobby of drowning puppies. “John America doesn’t turn the other cheek; he pulls out a Glock. He doesn’t love thy neighbor; he reports his neighbor to ICE. The meek shall inherit the Earth? John America waterboards the meek at Gitmo before breakfast, then promotes his cryptocoin before lunch. I could think of 1488 other reasons why he’s great, but these puppies won’t drown themselves.”

Pope Leo XIV spoke out against this dictionary definition act of heresy.

“You can’t just make a new Jesus,” said the Pope from his offices in the Vatican, where he was leading a mass and giving his congregation communion wine and deep-dish Chicago-style pizza. “Admittedly, there were a bunch of other messiahs getting around during the years that Jesus was active, and the Bible is a hodgepodge collection of texts that were handpicked by Constantine the Great to best create our religion. And while we can’t verify most of the events of the Bible, and some claim that there’s a lot of potential mistranslations and exaggeration within the gospels, we already have a Jesus, and that’s that. Also, John America?! What kind of fuck ass name is that?”

Despite the controversy, Variety reports that Mel Gibson is tapped to direct a movie about John America starring Chris Pratt and Russell Brand to be released in time for Oscar season.

AITA for Lighting My Homemade Guy on Fire Because Teaching Him Stuff Was Getting Exhausting? — Guest Post by Victor Frankenstein

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Okay, so I made a guy. Kind of like how God can make a guy, but I made mine at home out of scrap parts instead of with magic or however it normally works. Well, not home exactly. It was a big old abandoned tower. Didn’t really look into why. We spent Lord knows how much refitting it with tubes and lightning stuff.

And I know what you’re thinking. “Parts?” Yes, they were parts of other guys, but they were very dead. Like blown-into-pieces dead. I promise they weren’t just sleeping guys. I had to stitch everything together because of how blown up the pieces were. Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with the details.

So here’s the deal: after stitching him together, I figured out how to explode life into my homemade guy. At first, it was incredible. Just that it worked at all. But after the excitement wore off, it was not what I expected. He lives and breathes, sure, but he just doesn’t know anything. He’s basically a brand-new guy; didn’t come with anything out of the box.

I guess he did figure out a couple of things quickly. He was walking around, feeling faces. But when I pictured all of this, I figured he’d be really smart. I imagined having long conversations over tea with my monster guy. Or at least that the brains I superglued into his head would remember something. But nothing. I have to teach him everything. It’s exhausting. 

And don’t act like I didn’t try, I did! I gave it a couple days of teaching him words like “Victor.” But after that, I started figuring out what worked for me. Like how I’d locked him in the basement. That way, he can’t keep giving me leaves as presents. So annoying. But even then, whenever I go down there, he still wants stuff. Hugs. Water. Learning. It’s too much.

So I did what felt right in the moment, which was dousing the tower in gasoline and lighting it on fire.

But now he’s really mad about the whole being-set-on-fire thing. But it’s not like he even died! Still, he travels the earth, hunting me endlessly, begging for companionship. Enough already!

So… is he overreacting, or am I the asshole for lighting my homemade guy on fire because he was getting exhausting?

Erika Kirk Takes Quiet Moment To Mourn With Only Six Confetti Cannons

Posted on by Charles Bill

PHOENIX, Ariz. — A somber Erika Kirk took a quiet, personal moment to mourn her late husband with only six confetti cannons, confirmed sources.

“I miss Charlie every day,” said a widely smiling Kirk as children with sparklers ran about her, tossing flowers. “Sometimes it helps to take a while for myself to think about the life and death of my husband accompanied by a string quartet instead of a complete marching band. I still remember my husband’s last wish, besides wishing that there was more gang violence to confuse mass shooting statistics. He said to me, ‘Erika, if I ever die in the most ironic way humanly possible, please mourn me as if you were giving a motivational speech to a Fortune 500 company.’”

While Mrs. Kirk was wiping a single tear out of her White Walker eyes, she was supported by a caring friend.

“What’s most important is that when she gets over him, I’ll be here for her,” said Vice President of the United States and human bobble-head JD Vance. “All my life I’ve watched as the cool jocks like Charlie Kirk and Donald Trump get the girls, and now I have a chance to swoop in and maybe get a kiss or a hug from Erika. She’s so cute, I love that she hates the same people I do and has no discernible human emotions. She lets me touch her on stage, but then when I try to take her out for a soda pop after, she gives me the cold shoulder and talks to the stage manager about pyrotechnics. I wish my wife was dead.”

Although Mrs. Kirk’s public bereavement over her husband has drawn criticism, experts in mourning indicate it is entirely normal.

“This behavior is totally fine and expected among raging psychopaths,” said grief expert Dr. Sanjay Patel. “Most people will stay at home with their children and mourn privately, but if you’re an insane person without compassion, you’ll see your husband’s death as the perfect opportunity to thrust yourself into the limelight. It’s a totally natural grieving process, which specifically includes denial, anger, bargaining, backup dancers while you give a speech about immigrants, a speaking tour, merchandise selling, depression, and acceptance.”

When reached for further comment, Mrs. Kirk glared into a camera for three minutes without blinking.

RFK Jr. Recommends Children Smoke No More Than Two Cigarettes a Day

Posted on by Brian Wishart

WASHINGTON — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revised the recommended amount of cigarettes children should smoke daily from zero to no more than two, confirmed sources who encourage parents to moderate their children’s cigarette intake rather than completely forbid it. 

“Most adults were children at some point so logically Making America Healthy Again starts with the kids,” said Kennedy. “The facts are out there and the lungs of small children need to have nicotine coating to protect against microplastics and autism. People smoked all the time when I grew up and I grew up big, strong and normal. Inhaling cigarette smoke should not be feared. It should be encouraged to build endurance. Cigarettes are here to stay and the nation’s youth should adapt to smoking rather than reject it entirely.”

Terresa Gallaghar is a second grade student whose parents have encouraged her to follow the new government guidelines

“I hate it,” said Gallaghar. “It’s icky and smells bad. I hate the taste! It makes my fingers yellow! Mommy and Daddy have both said this is going to be good for me in the long term. I will get over the coughing eventually. At least my friends think I look cool with a dart in my hand. I have been feeling angry and sad during class when I cannot smoke. I am a lot more excited for recess because that’s when I am able to smoke with the older kids and teachers in the parking lot.”

Samara Hassan, a spokesperson for the American Lung Association, is critical of the government’s new directive and believes that smoking is not that healthy of a habit for children to develop.

“This is a reckless policy that is not backed by science,” said Hassan. “The scientific community has spent decades informing Americans that cigarette smoke can cause lung cancer and it increases the risk of heart disease. The government is not using fact-based methodology to help the public make healthy choices. I personally encourage my own children that they should, at best, only smoke one cigarette per day.”

At press time, Kennedy also recommended children consume no more than one glass of whiskey per night.

Do You Have a Gambling Problem? Good — Guest Article by Draftkings

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Here at DraftKings, we strive to provide a safe and fun environment for all your sports betting needs. But like anything in life, throwing your hard-earned money on the odds of twelve simultaneous bets hitting at once comes with detrimental financial and mental risks. That’s why we want to remind any of you who come to us for their gambling entertainment to do so responsibly by recognizing the signs of having a gambling addiction.

But in saying that, if you do have a gambling problem, well then, we couldn’t be happier about it!

We know how exciting the feedback loop of winning bets can be. That’s why we spend $100 million per year on advertising to flood every waking second of your day with Kevin Hart commercials and sports analysts discussing odds over actual gameplay. There is quite literally no escape, so why not give in and let DraftKings dominate all your financial decisions and impulse control?

We raked in over $6 billion in revenue last year alone, and we certainly didn’t achieve that by telling people to quit gambling.

But for the sake of meeting the bare minimum requirements, please know when we provide the gambling addiction hotline in size 5 font at the bottom of our ads that we’re doing so with a metaphorical wink, because our in-house research shows that anyone who’s been forced into an intervention by their loved ones is just one parlay hit away from quitting their job. Trust us.

Don’t sit here and act like you think football is exciting. You need something to liven up all the downtime between snaps, so why not fill that void with worrying you’re going to lose your house? You’re just going to spend that money on something stupid, like baby formula or the heating bill.

DraftKings knows you have a choice when it comes to the unyielding proliferation of online sports books, and we thank you for choosing to destroy your life with us. Tell you what, if you don’t tell your wife that you just blew your kid’s college fund, we’ll throw you a $5 credit to try and win it all back on a 1,000,000 to 1 odds bet that the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl. You’re gonna need that money for the impending divorce. 

Just one more bet couldn’t hurt, right?