Juggalo Returns From Near Death Experience to Confirm Dark Carnival Is Real

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

HOLLAND, Mich. — A Juggalo who goes by the name Ice-Dawg awoke in the hospital after being declared legally dead for 10 minutes to confirm the Dark Carnival is real, confirmed sources.

“I’ve always been a terrible Juggalo. A doubter really, living a life of delinquency,” Ice-Dawg confessed. “But when that Faygo bottle hit me, I saw it clear as day. The tent, the Ringmaster, the juggling Jeckel Brothers, all the signs that I was going to be going to Shangri-La or dare even the Hell’s Pit. Recently deceased celebrities like Ozzy Osbourne and George Wendt were sent to Shangri-La. I saw the riddle box on the wooden table. As it cranked I feared to learn what answer would pop out when the music stopped. Before it did, I returned to Earth staring at a fluorescent hospital ceiling light and a wicked IV drip.”

Ice-Dawg was treated by Dr. Dorothy Breklh of South Eastern Medical.

“It’s a minor fracture but looks like Mr. Matthews- ope, sorry, looks like Mr. Ice-Dawg recovered just fine,” Dr. Breklh explained. “You can argue it was a hallucination from the injury or some sort of coma dream, but let me tell you, I’ve had a colleague once tell me he saw a near dead patient witness the same dark carnival without ever knowing who Insane Clown Posse are. It’s like that song ‘Miracles’ says, ya know? ‘Pure motherfucking magic, That shit’ll blow your motherfucking mind.’ I’ve never witnessed such things myself but I can only hope that when my time comes I’ll see Jake ‘The Just’ Jeckel juggle my sins, and I will be fortunate enough to see him finish his act.”

Ice-Dawg is currently appearing on several talk shows to discuss his experience, such as The View, The Today Show, and even Steve Wilkos.

“Witnessing him onstage with Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg changed me forever. Let me tell you, I’m converted. I’ve even started calling people ‘foo dang,’” stated Sarah Stevens, a mother and one of the audience members from Ice-Dawg’s appearance on The View. “His description was so vivid and emotional. From this day on out I will be resisting The Great Milenko’s trickery of greed and envy. From now on it’s all about family for this ninja.”

Ice-Dawg’s story and his new book, “Dat Dark Carnival Is Hella Real, Ninja,” will be adapted into a made-for-TV movie this fall.

Opinion: Fuck You, You Absolute Fucker — Guest Opinion by Your Dad Trying to Hang Icicle Christmas Lights

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Alright, you fucking shitheads. You pieces of fucking garbage shit-fuck. You absolutely diabolical, fermented excuse for human shit-fuck excrement. Christ almighty. Every fucking year you dangly fucking light-daggers find new ways to fuck with my ALREADY FUCKING FRAYED grip on reality, well you ready?! You ready to go again, you little fuckers, let’s DO THIS!

Here we shit fucking go again with the stupid goddamn icicle lights. You just love being the bane of my entire fucking existence, dontcha ya little asshole! The wet, sloppy shit-fucker cherry on top of this dogshit, frostbitten clown-parade year. Goddamnit! Every last one of you little bulbs was designed in a lab by GOD just to FUCK WITH ME, weren’t ya?! 

Yeah, here we go, I’ve been dreading this fucking day every second of every fucking minute of every godforsaken hour for the last twelve Christ alive months! The moment when I climb up on this rickety, old-as-dirt, five years past retirement ladder, begging that it tip over and finally STRIKE ME DOWN so I can be spared from the soul-obliterating task of hanging these goddamn icicle lights from these shitty fucking gutters, but fuck, let’s do this! Let’s do it for the GODDAMN kids and the GODDAMN neighborhood and the GODDAMN BULLSHIT facade that any of us even know what the FUCK we’re doing! 

Look at Jason down there. Barely holding the fucking ladder. He is just sucked into that goddamn iPhone. That goddamn shit-fuck iPhone we got him last year for Christmas! Oh yeah kid, have fun mainlining TikTok slop straight into his pea-sized fucking cranium, never mind keeping your GODDAMN FATHER ALIVE! You just keep being that hollowed-out husk of the lively boy who used to yell “Wait for me, Dad!” every time I left the house. Christ. We did it wrong. All wrong. 

Ted Kaczynski. Now there’s a man who escaped the trap. Bet there weren’t any fucking icicle lights in ADX Florence, eh Ted? What a dream.

Fucking fucker fuck. Okay, at least this year these bastards are hanging better than when I used to shove them under that piece-of-shit gutter guard. Carol may be a psychotic cyclone of HomeGoods bullshit, with the goddamn Christmas inflatable after Christmas inflatable and the whole fucking yard just completely taken over with every last tacky piece of christ-fuck holiday cheer she’s ever been able to fit in the fucking Subaru, but she did pick up these clips from Lowe’s. Okay. Just breather. Just get this task done, and she’ll come out here, look up at these stupid lights, give me a kiss, say thank you, and for one Christ-loving microscopic second I’ll remember why I put up with all this glowing holiday horseshit, and I’ll crack a beer, and everything will be nice. 

Holy shit, he’s not on his phone anymore. He’s looking up at me with that beautiful little face and holding the ladder like I asked, and now he’s saying, “The lights look really nice, Dad!” and now I feel like a complete piece of shit for all that angry crap I was thinking. What is wrong with me?! What is so god damned wrong with me that I can’t just enjoy Christmas like a normal goddamn person?! Christmas season. Goddamn fuckers. Fucking shit fuck.

And now they’re out again. 

Fuck!

Hatebreed Fan Looks to Their Lyrics for Inspiration to Overcome Aggravated Assault Charge

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN DIEGO — Hatebreed fan Scott Tamowsky found inspiration in the band’s lyrics to overcome a recent charge for aggravated assault, sources report.

“Yeah, I’ve hit a bit of a rough patch with this charge, but Hatebreed is getting me through it,” said Tamowsky. “Honestly, though, what am I supposed to do when some guy at Buffalo Wild Wings makes fun of my flat-brimmed Monster Energy Drink hat? Anybody would have sucker punched him and immediately ran out of the building, and that old lady just happened to be in my way. I truly didn’t mean to run her over like that. Anyway, I’ve been listening to ‘Perseverance’ to find the motivation to prevail over this latest obstacle in my life. I’ve faced a lot of challenges over the years, which my friends refer to as ‘self-inflicting’ for some reason, but Hatebreed has always been there for me.”

Hatebreed frontman Jamey Jasta reacted to his fan’s use of his band’s lyrics.

“Whatever value our fans find in our music is fine with me, but that’s definitely not how I envisioned people reading our lyrics,” Jasta said. “We’re definitely about lifting people up and helping them get through hard times, but we’re more focused on helping to overcome things like addiction, family trauma, and betrayal. Giving some guy the inspiration to piece his life back together after needlessly assaulting people in a restaurant wasn’t what I had in mind while we were recording ‘Perseverance,’ but hey, whatever helps him get through it, I guess. I’m honestly more concerned with the wellbeing of that poor old lady. Maybe I should send her one of our albums, so she can overcome the broken legs and shattered hip.”

Sociologist Valerie Gonzalez provided her expertise on the situation.

“There’s often a disconnect between the thought process behind metal bands’ lyrics and the inspiration fans derive from them,” Gonzalez noted. “The positive, motivation-speech style of Hatebreed’s lyrics in particular tends to clash with the coarse lifestyle held by many in their fanbase. I also recently did a case study of a man who cited the song lyrics to ‘We Rock’ by Dio as the chief impetus for him overcoming his criminal trial for stealing a dirtbike from a Bob Evans parking lot. Metal bands make some of the greatest music ever, but their followers unfortunately have a tendency to be the trashiest people on the planet.”

At press time, Tamowsky had amassed a brand new DUI charge to overcome with the help of Hatebreed’s lyrics.

Study: Growing Number of Americans Need To Shut the Fuck Up About Protein

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

DENVER — A new study released by The Reticence Foundation found that growing numbers of Americans need to shut the fuck up about protein.

“Protein loading was once reserved for competitive bodybuilders and people recovering from a major illness, and those people would typically only share their macronutrient intake with their trainers or doctors. But, sadly, our results confirm that protein mania has spread to social media and the general public,” said lead researcher Dr. Herbert Avore. “Almost half of Americans ages 18-64 seem to fervently believe that they not only need to supercharge the amount of protein they consume, but that the people they encounter throughout their day are one meal prep anecdote away from becoming deeply invested in their blathering on and on about squeezing extra protein powder into their diets. When we tried to end our focus group sessions, subjects with the most acute protein fixations ignored our directives to shut the fuck up already and go home. Even as security escorted them out, they continued yapping about using Greek yogurt as coffee creamer or replacing conventional condiments with beef paste. These people are pitiful! Not to mention extremely fiber-deficient.”

Podcaster and pro-protein influencer Terrance “T-Bone” Bonnera questioned the findings.

“I got busy making a few batches of my organic creatine and flaxseed gummies this weekend so I only got to skim the study’s abstract, but what struck me was how it was so doom and gloom. I mean, what’s wrong with consuming 300 grams of protein for every single meal?” said Bonnera. “These pencil-necked pseudo-scientists clearly have a bone to pick with red-blooded Americans who just want to inspire others to punctuate their bacon and eggs breakfast by chugging a pint of bone marrow broth.”

NYU Professor of Public Health Cassie McStoycus claimed more research is needed.

“The irritating loquaciousness of people with a protein fetish could indeed be a sign that eating so much beef jerky and cottage cheese somehow diminishes a person’s ability to recognize the social cues that should make it crystal clear that no one gives a shit how much protein you shovel into your gob,” said McStoycus. “But it’s also possible that the people most likely to develop a protein obsession are the type of twits who already lack the social graces to understand when it’s time to shut their trap.”

At press time, Bonnera urged his podcast listeners to tell everyone they know about his new recipe he calls “steak brownies.”

Distract Yourself From America’s Rapid Descent Into Authoritarianism With This Ultimate ‘90s Playlist!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oof, things REALLY aren’t going well right now, are they? It seems like every day our president does something that would be a career-ending exercise in executive overreach for any other politician, only to have it be completely lost in the endless flood of shit perpetually polluting our news cycle. At this rate of democratic backsliding, we’ll be Hungary 2.0 within the next few years. Bummer!

Well, no matter! Remember the ‘90s? You were likely too young to recognize how horrible the world was, and at any rate, it is decidedly worse now. Why don’t you distract yourself from America’s rapid authoritarian descent with this ultimate playlist to lull you into a false sense of tranquility as you remember the good old days?

Track 1: Mariah Carey – Fantasy

Alright, we remember this banger! Mariah Carey was all the rage in the ‘90s, and this was a prime example of her dominance over the world of pop music. Remember hearing this blasting from your sister’s room as you were playing Super Nintendo? Hell yeah. Let that dopamine hit while you forget about how the POTUS withholds federal funds from universities simply because he doesn’t like them.

Track 2: Gin Blossoms – Follow You Down

The Gin Blossoms are everybody’s favorite six-hit wonders from the glorious ‘90s! Go ahead, lose yourself in the warm nostalgia this song gives you. Don’t you dare check your Reuters app. Trust us, you don’t want to see what new nightmares today has brought!

Track 3: Toni Braxton – Unbreak My Heart

Toni Braxton had some serious vocal talent, and we’re willing to bet she never unlawfully and erroneously arrested, deported and detained anybody who had protected immigration status. This song reminds you of the car ride to Pizza Hut to cash in your BOOK IT coupon for one of those tiny pizzas, and ICE was nowhere to be found. Ugh, God yes.

Track 4: Seal – Kiss From a Rose

Jesus Christ, the Supreme Court just gave the Trump administration the green light to racially profile people during immigration raids. Whoops, sorry! We checked the news for a second. That’s our bad. Won’t happen again. Anyway, remember “Batman Forever”? Remember those special commemorative glasses from McDonald’s? Isn’t this song, and the temporary mental escape chute it offers, great? 

Track 5: Shawn Mullins – Lullaby

Oh wow, this song sucks. What the fuck were we thinking when we put it on this playlist? It’s completely ruined the good mood the previous songs had put us in. You know what? If we had to deal with bullshit music like this back then, we could totally withstand having that worthless prick in the White House for another few years.   

Disappointed Vegas Couple Reluctantly Gets Married by Elvis Costello Impersonator

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LAS VEGAS — A soon-to-be wed pair of New Jersey tourists were crestfallen to discover the Elvis impersonator officiating their ceremony was actually one for Elvis Costello, sources confirmed while encouraging them to read the fine print next time.

“So much for the classic Vegas experience, I guess. I mean, not to be a ‘bridezilla’ or anything but you come here for the King, not the Imposter! You don’t go to the North Pole to see the Easter Bunny!” said Natalia Lunden-Hermes, who admittedly looked glowing in her dress. “Couldn’t we have at least gotten the young, herky-jerky, punky Costello? This guy’s like the subdued, current one who wears a pork-pie hat and appears with Burt Bacharach in Austin Powers. Ooo, wait, where’s my new husband, maybe it’s not too late to get an Austin Powers impersonator instead.”

Ignacio Hermes, the new husband, remained unaware of the true mix-up until well into the vows.

“I’m gonna be straight with you: I thought he was a Buddy Holly impersonator for the first 10 minutes of the ceremony, dude. So I was like, hey it may not be Elvis Presley, but at least it’s still a deceased ‘50s rocker, y’know?” said Hermes, with a shrug. “But, when I found out it was supposed to be Elvis Costello, I was all sorts of mixed up. I mean, are you even allowed to be married by a British guy here in the States, and have it ‘take’? This is my future I have to think of here. Oh well, welcome to the working week…Ah damn it, now he’s got me doing it.”

Professional Costello impersonator Declan Patrick MacManus was just as frustrated as the couple in question.

“I’m the real Elvis Costello, you bloomin’ twits! It’s a stage name! What’s all this, you don’t know a proper legendary musician when you feckin’ see one? They oughta be telling their grandkids about this for years to come!” said Costello, as his glasses steamed up with rage. “Ah, I suppose I shouldn’t be too rough on the ol’ newlyweds. Could just be prenuptial jitters. And, after all, a great man once said ‘accidents will happen.’ In fact, he sung it. And quite beautifully at that, blimey.”

At press time, with flagrant disregard for the Lorne Michaels impersonator standing nearby’s wishes, Costello interrupted the couple’s vows to launch into a blistering rendition of “Radio, Radio.”

“Enter Sandman” Voted Best Metallica Song by Random Drunk Dipshits at the Bar

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — A recent poll among the nation’s random drunk dipshits at the bar have declared 1991’s “Enter Sandman” the best song by thrash metal band Metallica, exasperated sources report.

“Oh hell yeah! Derrrrr der DER DER DER!” drunk shithead Carl Saunder exclaimed mid-air guitar. “Metallica’s the best band there is, brother! There’s nothing better than pounding six or seven Miller Lites and hearing ‘Enter Sandman’ blasting on the jukebox. They just don’t make music like that anymore, man. Today’s metal is just nothing but screaming, which I hate because you can’t tell what they’re even saying. I love listening to the classic metal bands, like Metallica, Guns N’ Roses, and Aerosmith. That’s where it’s at. I know when a guy wearing a metal shirt walks into a bar I’m in, he’s just dying for me to come up to him and start singing the chorus to ‘Enter Sandman.’”

Metalhead Darren Bednar was not surprised at the poll’s result.

“Ugh, as if I didn’t know that already,” Bednar sighed. “The other day I was wearing a Witch Vomit shirt when I went to the bar with some friends, and some inebriated dickhead started talking to me about how Metallica’s 1991 self-titled LP is the best metal album of all time. Look, I love Metallica as much as every other metalhead. They were the band that got me into metal, so I’m happy to headbang to ‘Disposable Heroes’ or ‘Motorbreath’ with some drunk strangers. I’m just not big on their post-’…And Justice For All’ albums, and I’ve most definitely heard ‘Enter Sandman’ enough to last a dozen lifetimes.”

Music expert Candace Downing weighed in on the situation.

“Diehard metalheads put up with situations like this every time they venture out in band merch,” Downing explained. “Having some idiot aggressively humming a Def Leppard song at them because they wore a Cerebral Rot shirt into a bar is unbelievably commonplace, and it isn’t specific to metal. Every bar is filled with intoxicated assholes, and they’re concurrently uninformed and extremely outspoken about every music genre. I promise that these people learned everything they know about metal by watching VH1, so of course they think ‘Enter Sandman’ is the best Metallica song. It’s best for metalheads to avoid making eye contact with these people so as to preclude any interaction.”

At press time, the same drunk dipshits had voted “Sweating Bullets” best Megadeth song.

Help! My MAGA Relatives Are So Red Pilled They Think I like the Democrats

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

It’s hardly controversial to suggest that MAGA has wreaked havoc on American families. 

The Clown from Queens and his propaganda machine have warped the arcs of many lives: Boomer parents have gone braindead from swearing allegiance to the charlatans on Fox News; brothers-in-law have seceded from reality, joining the ranks of Neo-Confederate nincompoops; once affable cousins have become as insufferable as the talking points they parrot from podcasts hosted by fascist dilettantes. 

No matter the particulars of your family dynamics, enduring the galling ignorance of your MAGA relatives has probably forced you to seek higher ground or risk drowning in tsunami waves of their rhetorical rat piss.

Even celebrating Christmas or family birthdays with the “red-pilled” is like being a blind eunuch at a fat camp orgy: everything you hear is confusing and disturbing, and for you, at least, there is no pleasure.

Like many of my fellow citizens, I get creative to steer banal small talk with the Trump-voters in my life away from anything remotely related to birth rates, tax rates, Kid Rock, or raw milk. Oh, or basic human rights and dignity. 

I would, of course, be lying if I said I can recall the last time I enjoyed the company of my Uncle Kurt and cousin Judson—the main MAGA-morons in my life. But to their credit, somewhere along the way, we reached a workable unspoken agreement: they don’t talk to me about election fraud or beef tallow, and I don’t talk to them about anything.

But in recent months, things have taken a shocking turn: Cousin Judson and Uncle Kurt are now so brainwashed by MAGA dumbfuckery that they presume my rejection of their retrograde politics means I like the Democrats! 

I’ve got better things to do than bicker with bootlickers, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let even the most delusional of fools believe I respect Chuck Schumer! 

At my nephew’s 1st birthday party, cousin Judson badgered me, presuming I’d read Kamala Harris’s memoir. And before I could even tell him that I’d likely find Kamala’s screed almost as stupid and self-serving as tweets by Laura Loomer, he started blathering on about his begrudging soft spot for James Carville!  

Then Uncle Kurt texted me a link to the Gavin Newsom podcast where he got chummy with Steve Bannon, along with the message, “Our guys had a spirited debate!” 

“Our guys!?” 

I suppose I may be forced to vomit in my mouth and vote for Gruesome Newsom if America’s predictably preposterous political landscape makes him the candidate facing off with JD Vance in 2028, but he’ll never be “my guy!” 

It’s easy to forcefully reject the willful ignorance and gleeful cruelty that delight the loathsome losers of MAGA. But I must confess: I’m at a loss about what to do when they insult me by assuming I care if the Epstein files detail the criminal perversions of Democrats like Bill Clinton.

Fuck—Judson just texted again, and he thinks I watch “The View!”

Pathetic Loser Thinks Son is His Best Friend

Posted on by Doug Kolic

STILLWATER, Okla. — A pathetic local loser believes that he and his 11-year-old son are best friends, according to nearby sources debating who should break the news to him.

“It’s so cool to have a kid and best bud all in one!” stated 42-year-old Jonah Clarke. “It’s a great feeling when I come home from another long day at the office, where nobody seems to get me, to find my number one bro Dawson waiting for me. Sure, lately he’s been spending a lot of time locked in his room online with his friends. But I assure you, as soon as D-Dog knows I’m home, he eventually comes down and greets me with a badass ‘hey’ before we bro the fuck out the rest of the evening, or until he finishes plating his dinner and retreats back to his room to play Fortnite.”

The pitiful man’s son, Dawson Clarke, explained their tight bond.

“To be honest, I don’t actually know too much about the guy because he’s always wanting to hear about my world,” said the sixth-grade student. “Whenever I used to ask about his day he’d quickly change the subject after insisting that nobody understands him like I do. I just hope he doesn’t drag me to Take Your Kid to Work Day again this year. The last time he did, he tried showing off the ‘best’ spots in the building to chill out, but by ‘chill out,’ I’m pretty sure he meant ‘cry.’ He does a lot of that.”

Psychologist Tina Klein explained that parents often have a misguided perception of how close they are to their children.

“Today’s modern parents are a bit out of touch,” said Klein. “They expect their kids to respect and listen to them, but at the same time spend too much time trying to be their pals. I mean, c’mon, how much of a dweeb are you to be besties with your kids? If you raise your kids right like I did, you’ll want to take a step back and emotionally withdraw once they get old enough to change their own diapers. Trust me, they’ll appreciate the life lessons you just taught them.”

At press time, Mr. Clarke was offering to buy his son anything he wanted in exchange for posing with him for a selfie, which he planned to use as his work email profile picture.

Still Got It! Surviving Members of “Rumours” Era Fleetwood Mac Lineup Announce Plans for 50th Anniversary Orgy

Posted on by Kyle Donley

The Rumours are true! In anticipation of the 50th anniversary of their career-defining album, Fleetwood Mac are reuniting once more to fuck the shit out of each other for three magical nights at Madison Square Garden in the summer of 2027.

Indeed, the famously acrimonious rock band has agreed, in principle, to put their differences aside to fuck and suck each other dry for the sake of their fans and their legacy. And what better place to do it than the former capital of live sex, Midtown Manhattan!  While it is still unclear if any actual music will be played during the three-night stand, sold-out crowds should at the very least expect to hear the bacchanalian noises of writhing, saggy flesh rhythmically slapping against each other to a chorus of orgasmic slurps and burps. According to recent press materials, genitals will be mic’ed and all participants will have GoPro cameras affixed to their heads to enhance the Jumbotron experience.  

The core group of Mick Fleetwood, Stevie Nicks, and Lindsey Buckingham are currently the only known participants in the orgy, but promoters have hinted at a star-studded line-up of special guests to help spice things up. While nothing has been confirmed as of yet, Harry Styles, a frequent “Landslide” duet partner of Stevie’s, is rumored to be dueting on a double penetration with Jackson Browne, while Mia Khalifa has recently been spotted eating Mick Fleetwood’s asshole on a soundstage in Studio City. 

However, longtime fans may be most excited to see Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham exploring each other’s holes again. After his ouster in 2018, the estranged singer-guitarist is finally back in the fold, quite literally this time! Never one to rest on his laurels, he’s already announced a 30-city solo tour in the run-up to the 50th anniversary orgy, where fans can expect a more stripped-down, intimate performance of Lindsey jerking off on a stool.

The untimely passing of John and Christine McVie has undoubtedly left a devastating void in the orgiastic dynamic of the band. Fully nude, 69ing holograms of the McVies have been planned for a beautiful in memoriam segment of the show, but some investors have expressed concern, even with the addition of special guests, that the orgy may at times resemble more of a “Chinese Finger Cuffs” situation than a traditional Lemon Party. 

Regardless of how the shows ultimately cum together, one thing is true — the music will live on forever. Wait no, the fucking will live on forever. Yeah.