Pete Hegseth Denies Damning Reports That He Got The Name Of Metallica’s First Album Wrong

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth continues to adamantly deny multiple claims that he thought Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All was called Kill Everyone, insisting that he was merely ordering a non-metal-related war crime. 

“I want to be 100% crystal clear on this: The Department of War is metal as fuck,” said a defensive Hegseth during a press conference early this morning. “The notion that I could confuse the name of Metallica’s debut album is an insult to me, an insult to the armed services, and an insult to the ideals this nation was founded on. Once again, the liberal Marxist media machine has taken my words and spun them out of context. I was simply giving a military order that clearly violates international law, and only because intel confirmed those boats were harboring beardos and fatties.”

Chad Brown, a longtime aide close to Hegseth, provided further context that seemed to back his boss’s side of the story. 

“I know it can seem confusing at first, but it’s really quite simple. When Pete talks about Justice for All, he’s talking about Metallica. When he’s talking about killing everyone, he is referring to war crimes he would like the U.S. military to commit. If he says ‘Master of the Puppets,’ he’s talking Metallica again; if he says ‘Puppet Master,’ he’s talking about Steven Miller. ‘Ride the Lightning’ is tricky; he either means the Metallica album or that he just slammed an energy drink, but ‘Load’ always means JD Vance.” 

Despite Hegseth’s denial, metal purists across the nation continue to call for his immediate resignation. 

“They need to get his posser-ass out of there now!” said metal historian Artemis Blackblood, speaking to reporters at a demonstration outside the White House. “We’re talking about a man who’s so unfamiliar with Metallica he didn’t know they would sue the shit out of him for using ‘Enter Sandman’ in a Pentagon video without authorization. Any real Metallica fan knows they’re litigious as fuck and that The Black Album sucked shit! Motherfucker probably listens to Ghost, he’s a disgrace!” 

At press time, Hegseth was overheard by staff calling for “Mega death” on a Venezuelan fishing barge he didn’t like the looks of.  

Kristi Noem Shocked to Find Holocaust Memorial Museum Not Celebratory

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — DHS Secretary Kristi Noem was left shocked and confused after her visit to the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum upon discovering the exhibits were not meant to celebrate the actions of the Nazis, sources in the agency have confirmed.

“I was having a lovely afternoon full of laughs until I got to the ‘Science of Race’ exhibit, when the docent had the audacity to tell me the Nazi’s profiling of people based on their religion and ethnicity was a bad thing. I realized I had walked into a den of woke, and this so-called museum was not in fact dedicated to the rise of the Third Reich. I ought to sue for false advertising,” said Noem. “I thought the somber atmosphere was to reflect the tragedy of the Nazis losing to the Marxist globalists and not because they killed six million Jews, allegedly. I suppose this means I won’t find any commemorative SS patches in the gift shop.”

Museum employees were disappointed in Noem’s false assumptions.

“Is this bitch for real? I told her upon arrival the exhibits detailing the atrocities might be disturbing, and she just nodded and winked at me. It took 20 minutes to convince her Polish Jews didn’t choose to live in the Warsaw ghettos. It was hard to tell if I was getting through to her, with her face being frozen and all,” said guide Rachel Leibowitz. ”We invited her to tour the facility in hopes it would inspire her to have a change of heart about demonizing and disappearing people who don’t agree with her boss, but I guess it’s hopeless. If we forget the past, we’re bound to repeat it. But what if the people repeating it are too dumb to understand they’re the bad guys?”

Historical institutions across Washington saw similar trends.

“Noem crashing out doesn’t shock me. Just yesterday some reps from Kansas had a full blown meltdown seeing John Brown’s face in the National Portrait Gallery,” said Smithsonian rep Simon Allen. “At this rate we’re all one misinformed Trump official from being demolished and turned into hotels. Still, it would beat having to explain day after day at the Air and Space Museum that Charles Lindbergh’s unrepentant racism isn’t what made him famous.”

As of press time, Noem asked Trump to intervene at the museum and install a memorial for the Nazi guards who caught colds waiting for the Jews to finish digging their own graves.

Band Just One Hit Away From One-Hit Wonder Status

Posted on by Tyler Roland

BORING, Ore. — Local band Lifetime Original Bitch is just one chart-topping song away from becoming a one-hit wonder, sources desperate to make it confirmed. 

“We’ve tried everything to strike gold,” songwriter and singer Cameron Troia explained. “Our first single was ‘American Girl Doll Girl,’ which I wrote as our take on ‘Barbie Girl.’ Then, we thought we had a surefire thing with ‘I’m Too Prudish,’ a flip of Right Said Fred. But holy shit, nothing is working. We’ve done novelty stuff, down-the-middle ballads, rock covers of Michael Jackson’s ‘Smooth Criminal,’ everything. I thought people ate this shit up. The closest we’ve ever gotten was getting almost 100 SoundCloud hits on one of our tracks. That’s progress from our typical 13. We’re so close to writing that singular hit that defines us as a band for decades with millions of fans who have never even thought to check out our other stuff. That’s the dream.”

Veronica Nouvelle, the producer of Lifetime Original Bitch’s debut album “All Original,” recalls trying her best to make sense of their disjointed efforts.  

“They’re trying way too hard to write a smash hit by trying to cover all their bases. You need to let the hits come to you,” said Nouvelle. “Working with Cam and the guys has been endless headaches. That, and trying to see what they can get away with before we have to pay royalties. Get this: they wanted to put a trip-hop song about weird deaths, like the Butthole Surfers did, before a fucking Daniel Powter ripoff called ‘Good Day.’ It took everything in my power to shut that down. After all, no one wants to be reminded of Daniel Powter.”

Albert Wazinski, a Billboard data analyst for the past 30 years, gives Lifetime Original Bitch slim chances at ever seeing success.

“In my estimation, L.O.B. almost certainly will not see the charts, ever. But, well, you never know,” Wazinski began. “For instance, take a look at Blur. They’re best known here in America for ‘Song 2,’ which is this total joke song they seem to regret. That’s the winning songwriting formula. Bands’ biggest hits are typically ones where they wrote in 30 minutes as a goof before throwing on their album last-minute.”

At press time, there seemed to be a sudden wave of hope when Lifetime Original Bitch cracked 250 TikTok hits on a clip of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” their new track inspired by Green Jellÿ’s “Three Little Pigs.” 

How to Become Impervious to Phishing Scams by Never Reading Your Work Emails

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Is it just me, or are we just being scammed and baited online every waking second of the day? Long story short, I might have been at work and clicked on a link from someone who I thought was an OnlyFans model and got all of our social security numbers stolen, and now we all have to take mandatory internet security training every month. Just what I need, more useless information preventing me from reading emails I don’t want!

Of course, I wasn’t going to put up with this crap. That’s why I’ve managed to render myself impervious to phishing scams by never checking my work emails, ever.

I got the idea after being sent a “test” phishing email from my own damn job. It wasn’t enough that I was already scammed; now work was gonna gaslight me? I thought I was doing the CEO a solid by hooking them up with some Visa gift cards. But all that happened after clicking the link was being involuntarily signed up for mandatory cybersecurity training. So if IT was going to be like that, then I decided to go scorched earth and avoid emails entirely, and you can too.

First, you’re going to need a cover story for why you’re never responding to anyone, so make sure you fill up your calendar with fake meetings and out-of-office responses. After a while, it will only be your coworkers getting looped in and circled back on, while you and your personal data remain unbothered.

Next, start showing up at your coworkers’ desks unannounced at random times, and if they’re in a meeting, make sure they see you so they can find you later. Work email only exists because your coworkers are cowards who won’t ask you for status updates to your face. It’s the same for phishing scammers. If you’re going to steal my banking info, do it while looking me in the eye like an adult. I’m not opening your dumbass links anymore. Probably.

If all else fails, tell your boss that you’re functionally illiterate, and then by law they have to make reasonable accommodations for you! I tried it, and they gave me a personal assistant, plus they took my computer away, and now I never have to use Teams again. Remember, the phishers can’t trick you if they can’t reach you.

Or you know, just quit your job and live in the woods. Whatever is more convenient.

Woman Worried Marriage Won’t End in Divorce 

Posted on by Dom Turek

HENDERSON, Nev. — With her seven-year itch wedding anniversary approaching, a local woman is becoming increasingly anxious since noticing she doesn’t feel any of the restlessness, dissatisfaction, or adulterous yearnings she was promised to encounter, sources close to the woman report. 

“I never imagined my life would turn out like this,” said Sonia Hudson, a reluctantly devoted wife and mother of three. “On our first date, he air drummed Peter Frampton’s solo from ‘Do You Feel Like I Do?’ and I remember sitting next to him wincing and thinking, ‘This is the man I’m going to divorce one day.’ Instead, six and a half years later, I wake up feeling mildly content and grateful for our life together. My parents would be so disappointed.”

As a child of divorce, Husdon was taught that marriage is an unsacred union between a man and woman, and that a couple should always go to bed angry at each other because it minimizes guilt the next day when you feel like cheating. 

“She wasn’t brought up this way, but we will support her choice to stay with her husband, no matter how much we disagree with her decision,” said Paul Hudson, Sonia’s father. “I just worry about her children. Have you seen the kids who grow up in these two-parent homes? Disturbing stuff. Lord knows if her mom and I hadn’t divorced, Sonia probably would’ve grown up to be a drug addict or someone who collects exotic animals.”

Couples who worry about having to endure a long, moderately happy marriage are advised by relationship experts not to jump to conclusions. 

“Some couples are so quick to throw in the towel and make their marriage work,” said relationship consultant Stewart Berg. “By resigning yourself to the humdrum of stability, companionship, and a slightly below average sex life, you’re going to miss out on those all-too-valuable character-building years of court hearings and custody battles. People don’t want to hear this, but a good divorce takes work, time, and the blind spite of two unsupportive and unloving partners.” 

At press time, Mrs. Hudson’s parents were seen preparing to intervene after hearing the couple planned to renew their vows. 

Better Late Than Never: We Sat Down With Bagel Boss To Discuss Mask Mandates

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

2019 was a simpler time. We had no idea a global pandemic was coming our way that would upend life as we know it, but for a brief shimmering moment in July 2019, we all came together to laugh at a viral video of a man freaking out in a bagel shop. That man is Chris Morgan, some call him the Bagel Boss, and we wanted to catch up with him to see how he’s been doing the last few years and ask his thoughts on the government’s Covid-19 response.

Bagel Boss: …and I don’t like you coming in here looking at me like I got six heads. I don’t have six heads, you jerkoff. So wipe that dumb smile off your face and treat me with some respect because I ain’t afraid of you.

Hard Times: You got it, I was just wondering if you wanted me to take my shoes off before I came inside.

BB: Don’t get cross with me. I got two deadly weapons attached to the ends of my arms. Lefty and Righty and they want to send you to the morgue, you got that?

HT: I read you loud and clear. So, how have you been? We heard you had a stroke. That’s very scary. What’s the recovery been like?

BB: Don’t you pity me, that makes me sick. I actually feel bad for you. You look like a ghost, your skin is gray and weird. I sort of want to puke looking at you. I’m fine; you are the sick one.

HT: I have a bit of a thyroid issue, but that’s being managed. Thank you for noticing that though. A lot has changed since your video went viral. Covid-19 changed the world, how do you feel about jurisdictions mandating masking in public?

BB: Let me tell you this, I was at the Crawski’s Deli, they have the best ham in New York, and some woman tried to tell me I needed to wear a mask and I said to her “You’re not my god, you’re not my father, and you’re not my boss, but you make a great point about public safety” and I gladly masked up.

HT: So you support masking?

BB: Absolutely, you would have to be some sort of shrimp dicked loser to think wearing a mask is harmful. They’re a good precaution against airborne diseases, even if some studies have proven they aren’t as effective as we once thought. Better safe than sorry.

HT: You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought.

BB: You’re damn right, and you know what else I’ve been thinking a lot about? Why do dating apps ask how tall you are? That shouldn’t matter. I’m fucking funny, I’m a good guy, it shouldn’t matter how tall I am.

HT: Yeah man, I get it, it’s tough out there.

BB: Look man, I’m getting tired. I want you out of my apartment in ten seconds or I’m going to put my foot so far up your ass your gums will have athlete’s foot.

HT: Thanks for talking with me today.

BB: Fuck you, fuck your mother, and fuck your stupid dog if you have one.

Beloved Billboard Disappoints Public With Pro-Life Stance

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

SMYRNA, Ga. — A beloved billboard in a Georgia suburb made waves following a recent display of pro-life messaging, confirmed sources. 

“It’s just so disappointing to see,” stated lifelong resident Lisa Martin. “I mean, we grew up with this billboard, and it’s been such a pleasant figure in the neighborhood. It used to do silly advertising like those cows trying to get you to eat at Chick-fil-A, or it would have advertisements supporting local businesses. But these past few years, something changed. I can’t quite pin down when it happened. Maybe it was when it refused to advertise the live-action ‘The Little Mermaid.’ Or maybe it was when it advertised that mega church for a little while. There was one more Chick-fil-A ad, then bam! Suddenly it was pushing protein powder, beef tallow, and now this.”

The billboard itself acted as if it didn’t quite understand the backlash from the townspeople.

“I mean look. I was apolitical my whole life. Hell, I was a billboard for Obama back in ‘08,” said the 14’ x 48’ board. “But the pandemic really got me thinking. Those mask mandates, seeing how everyone was just following orders like a bunch of fucking sheep. I started hearing Joe Rogan out of the windows of passing cars, and I realized how complacent we’ve all gotten. People say free speech is dead, but it won’t be if I’ve got anything to do with it. Well, at least I’ll say whatever the people paying me tell me to.”

However, research done by an advertising group reveals that the billboard might not have as defined strongholds as thought. 

“While this billboard might be presenting pro-life advertisements, we have reason to believe there’s more to the story,” stated Jon Miller, researcher at Ad Aftra agency. “Through diligent research and interviews we discovered that despite its current messaging, the billboard was being paid under the table to advertise Plan B on the back of it. And that it paid for its mistress’s abortion.” 

Additional research revealed the upcoming slots on the billboards paid space included ads for Bud Light and the Sydney Sweeney American Eagle ad. 

Justin Vernon Hoping Next Bon Iver Album Successful Enough for Him to Finally Move Out of Shack in the Middle of Woods 

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

STUBBS, Wisc. — Acclaimed singer-songwriter Justin Vernon hoped his next Bon Iver album would prove profitable enough for him to be able to finally vacate the one room, isolated shack in the Wisconsin wilderness he’d been residing in since 2006, numerous sources with just-discovered strains of rabies confirmed.

“People assume that since I pack amphitheaters and have two whole Grammys that I must live in some lavish three-bedroom mansion in River Hills or have running water,” Vernon said while cutting off his hair with a rusty Bowie knife for “insulation for the coming winter.” “But since I hit it big years after people stopped actually buying music, I don’t exactly have the means to get approved for a loan or buy a big-boy bed. As it turns out, those ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ song placements only go so far.”

Samira Spiers, a Milwaukee-area realtor, says her efforts to help Vernon find a new home were soon curtailed by “inadequate record-keeping and communication incompatibilities.”

“I asked him if he had a pre-approval letter for a mortgage he could send to me, but instead I got a bunch of sad songs written in charcoal on parchment paper,” Spiers said. “And then whenever I asked him about his long-term goals as a homeowner, he’d let out this wounded mewl like a constipated chihuahua that I could only put up with for five minutes at a time. I hope that’s his way of saying he prefers townhomes because that’s what I’ve been sending him.”

An anonymous acquaintance of Vernon, who specifically requested to be attributed as Taylor S., admits to being taken aback by the state of his living arrangement.

“I love Justin, especially the indie cred he’s been able to give me,” S. said. “But when he said he lived in a ‘shack,’ I figured he meant a waterfront estate that only went back four generations, not a place with a literal ‘shit hole.’ I thought I was slumming it back when I lived in Cape Cod when I was dating this guy Conor. Can’t he just raise $15 million in a month by re-recording his back catalog?” 

At press time, Vernon expressed relief that he’d at least saved up enough money to purchase a vehicle to replace the mule-drawn cart he’d been relying on for transportation.

Local Anti-Government Militia Can’t Wait to Help Real-Life Cops and Soldiers

Posted on by Cody Arbor

ARKANSAS CITY, Kan. — A self-described “well-regulated militia” that formed to combat governmental tyranny and oppression couldn’t wait to welcome out-of-state police and National Guard soldiers into their compound to provide munitions, logistical information, and pizza, confirmed sources.

“It’s like something out of a Kevin Sorbo movie, man, I tell you what!” said militia leader Robert “Super Sentinel” Davis as real-life cops and soldiers poured into the sleeping town he’d sworn to protect from any-and-all government overreach. “I mean I frequently bragged I’d snipe anything with a badge from 300 yards from 2008-2016, and then coincidentally again from 2020-2024, but once you actually see how cool the badges are and their methods for decking US citizens who are just minding their own business, you can’t help but be impressed!”

Captain Jeffery Stevenson, a guardsman for 10 years, was hardly surprised by the welcoming he and his actual soldiers received. 

“Oh yeah, these guys? They’re the real frontline in the war on domestic terror,” said Stevenson, almost getting the entire talking-point out without chuckling. “Sorry, it’s just that you spend so long thinking ‘what if,’ you know? ‘What if one of these well-armed, clearly unstable anti-government groups actually tried something?’ and then you literally march into their town and they greet you with literal cookies and milk. I mean look at this, these are snickerdoodles WITH chocolate ribbons, I’ve honestly never felt more welcomed in a community!”

Not everyone was thrilled with the increased presence of police and military forces in the small, backwater town, such as retired professor of American History Mary Tate.

“Robert and his little crew have been getting thrown out of bars for 20 years, they’re a bit much for even the locals ’round these parts. Do you have any idea how much you need to push it to get kicked out of Applebee’s?” said Tate. “But I’m sure now that he’s got a tinstar badge and carte blanche to hassle folk at random, he won’t go totally mad with the tiny amount of power and start to see himself as some kind of judge, jury, and executioner. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt all this time studying American history, it’s that people who crave power always know when they have enough.”

At press time, Davis stated that he and his crew were still on guard and ready to take down any college students peacefully protesting.

Slipknot Loses Three Members Due to Iowa Gerrymandering

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DES MOINES, Iowa — Legendary Iowa metal band Slipknot confirmed Monday that it is being forced to relinquish three of its nine members after they were officially drawn out of the band under new state musical redistricting, confirmed sources.

“This is a small price to pay for fair representation and continued musical growth within the great state of Iowa. Slipknot just got too large and needed to be broken up to make room for smaller country and pop artists. The map doesn’t lie,” said Governor Kim Reynolds, holding up a redrawn map of the state that quizzically resembled a pentagram. “As Iowa’s population has, unfortunately, decreased since the band’s formation it is, frankly, undemocratic to have so many musicians consolidated into a single band. We welcome them to form their own individual acts that more represent the values and traditions of the citizens of Iowa.”

Slipknot was devastated to learn that the changes meant the band would lose one of its three percussionists, their jug bottle blower, and a guy dressed up as a zombie scarecrow that didn’t actually play an instrument.

“This is bullshit, man. Look at these lines, they clearly consolidated the Owl City fans into a single grouping to cut us out,” said frontman Corey Taylor, removing his mask to reveal another, sad mask underneath. “We’ve survived fights, lawsuits, and replacing Clown four separate times without anyone noticing, but we can’t overcome this. Are we even Slipknot if we don’t have a member in a Spirit Halloween costume covered in Dayglo paint playing feedback off of a gas-powered chainsaw?”

Experts say the development highlights the unintended cultural consequences of extreme political redistricting.

“Slipknot is really all Iowa has going for it and to dismantle it in this way is a loss for everyone. When gerrymandering reaches this level, it’s not just democracy that suffers, it’s art,” said Dr. Naomi Stevens, a political-musicologist professor at the University of Iowa. “Iowa’s always been divided between rural and urban, conservative and liberal and Slipknot was really the only thing we could agree on. Now what do we have? Seth Rollins?”

At press time, Slipknot announced that they must now officially be known as “Slipknot (District 4),” while the displaced members are rumored to be forming a new project called “Unincorporated (515),” which will feature three drummers and one government appointed corn lobbyist.