Mosh Pit Resolves Man’s Issues Quicker than Previous Six Years of Therapy

Posted on by Ben Friedman

TOMS RIVER, N.J. — Local punk Harrison Williams found himself experiencing a new sense of inner peace after fucking up everyone in the pit at a local show did more to improve his mental health than the last six years of going to therapy, sources have confirmed.

“Despite being in therapy for over half a decade I’ve been locked in a cycle of malaise and self-loathing, and I was at a point where I’d lost my passion for life. Somehow I worked up the mental energy to attend this basement show, and after 45 minutes of throwing hands in the pit all my generational trauma has evaporated. I feel like a completely new person, “said Williams. “Nothing puts life into perspective like slamming yourself into a stranger while another guy comes two inches from spin-kicking you in the neck. I can’t believe I wasted all that time in therapy when I could’ve worked out my issues crowd surfing and getting tossed around.”

Williams’ therapist had mixed feelings about his sudden breakthrough.

“I tried for years to get Harrison over his ex-girlfriend, imposter syndrome, and all the awkward childhood moments which haunt him and this is how he improves his well-being? I feel somewhat defeated that hundreds of hours of breathing exercises and journaling were completely overshadowed by an evening of shoving people around at Pissed Jeans show. Are those guys even licensed practitioners?” said Psychologist Miranda Kenner. “Don’t get me wrong, I want all my clients to arrive at a point where they no longer need my services. But Harry was my special project and I lost him to catching stray kicks to the head.”

The American Psychological Association already knew how effective moshing was for mental health.

“We’ve known for years that ‘hardcore therapy’ has been the quickest way to resolve numerous traumas, and if word gets out that all it takes to achieve mental equilibrium is dropping $15 to square up with other punks at local church basement shows, we’re all out of a job,” said representative Adam Chambers. “Many of us have tried to apply pit praxis to our sessions but had to stop after we kept getting put in the hospital. There’s nothing in the DSM about pit etiquette, unfortunately.”

As of press time, Williams’ mental health improved even further after the headliner’s lead singer dedicated the next song to the real motherfuckers who need to forgive themselves for their failures.

Opinion: Stop Calling My Online Friends Who Ask Me to Do Violent Things “Feds”

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

I want to preface this article by saying that I am not normally a very outspoken person. I try to keep to myself and not make waves. I work in data entry, and I spend most of my working hours indoors on my computer. I prefer for my social life to be the same. Most of my friends (and hypothetical lovers) are people I’ve met on the internet, and that suits me fine. That’s why I find it so egregious that more and more lately, I have had some real-world haters and nay-sayers telling me that my dear online friends are “feds” just because they keep asking me to do violent things.

It keeps happening, and I am sick, sick, sick of it. Now look, I will admit that my online friends, people whom I’ve met on chatrooms and in the comments section of Twitter, have become a little bit more riled lately. But come on, who hasn’t? The world is messed up right now. Protest is in the air. Bloodshed is on the wind. Slaughter is the order of the day. At least according to my friend Mike. 

And listen, you might be right in saying: “Oh, but you’re not normally a very political person.” Well, that’s true. But that’s only allowed me to better take in the thoughts and opinions of my extremely political online friends. And boy, do they have a lot to say. And some of it did make me scratch my head at first. But this is a free country, and just because my dear friend Jason, whom I’ve never met in person, told me that he’s dreaming of a million October Sevenths doesn’t mean that he’s inciting me to some sort of psychotic violence.

Some people will say that’s taking things a little too far. Some have even told me it sounds like a trap. But if that’s a trap, then you might as well look into my big titty E-Girl Amy, who told me to go down to the anti-ICE protests and grab a cop’s gun, and then she’d send me nudes. She’s not a bad influence. She’s just making sense. And hopefully sending nudes.

And I’ll admit that sometimes my online friends pressure me to “go out and take action into my own hands.” That doesn’t mean I’m gonna do it. Just because I’ve been a little erratic since I lost my office job, my wife left me, and I had to leave my house all in the same week, that doesn’t mean that I’m — as some have suggested — “a pawn for the CIA to entrap.” Sure, they sometimes say things that a year or two ago I would’ve found out of pocket. But I don’t see any real-life friends in my corner right now, so name a better option, loser.

Punk Couple Successfully Gets Baby Into Dive Bar by Dressing Her in Emotional Support Animal Vest

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — New mother Kelly Wazowski’s night out was saved at the last minute after successfully bringing their newborn child into their local dive after dressing it in an emotional support animal vest, bar patrons have confirmed.

“My husband and I have a standing date night at the neighborhood dive every Tuesday, infant daughter be damned. None of the bartenders would serve us with a three-month-old in tow until tonight, when we walked in with her decked in an emotional support animal vest I found in a box down the street. It’s a total game changer,” said Wazowski. “This vest is our golden ticket to bring her anywhere and our marriage is saved. Besides, she pisses and shits as much as those ratty, bug eyed support dogs so what’s the difference?”

The dive bar’s bouncer admitted his hands were technically tied.

“This is clearly bullshit, but last week I let in someone with their service iguana and it had the same vest on, so I didn’t want to look like a hypocrite. Even when I pushed back just a little within two seconds, she handed me some photocopied certificate for her ‘service baby’ and even then, it says it’s only valid in Bulgaria,” said door man Bruce Leonard. “I didn’t have the energy to go back and forth with her all night about ethics and mental health, but she better not change that kid’s diaper on the bar or the health inspector will shut us down again.”

Trainers condemned what they called a gross exploitation of what it means to be a service animal.

“An animal in a service vest is used to convey countless hours poured into becoming a disabled person’s lifeline. However, since you can buy these vests on fucking Amazon, thousands of people are walking into casinos and bars with any sentient creature, losing their shit when you call them out. And now we’re doing babies? Name one time a crying, helpless baby boosted anyone’s emotional well-being,” said Assistance Dogs International rep Debra Howard. “Sure, it might be nice to be able to bring your infant to all your favorite haunts now, but if she is still wearing that vest as a toddler and bites someone she’s getting hauled off to an animal shelter.”

As of press time, Wazowski argued with the bar owner that her daughter’s emotional support role entitled her to park her car across two handicap spots in the parking lot.

Report: RFK Jr. Consulted With Top Purina Scientists While Developing New Food Pyramid

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today revealed the revised food pyramid was developed with input from top scientists from the Purina pet food corporation, sources confirmed.

“Ensuring a nutritious diet is paramount to the health of our country, but the old pyramid turned us into a nation of pasta-maxxing fatties wearing t-shirts in the pool. That’s why I reached out to the fine folks at the Purina corporation for their help developing new protein-based food guidelines that will keep American bodies trim and coats shiny,” said Kennedy Jr., unveiling the new pyramid carved into a side of beef. “The foundation of the pyramid is 12 daily servings of raw meat and beef tallow, which you can supplement with green beans to help feel full while staying at a healthy weight, or a cup of boiled chicken and rice if your tummy hurts. Now we’re not saying that there isn’t room for little treats on the pyramid, as you’ll see the tip leaves room for the occasional raw hide chew or table scrap.”

Purina scientist Gerry Magelhaes, who served as lead on the pet food conglomerate’s partnership with the Trump Administration, lauded the rigorous scientific standards of the new guidelines.

“At the Purina corporation, we share Secretary Kennedy’s vision that every American should receive the proper nutrition required to support strong teeth, good joint health, and wet noses,” said Magelhaes, sampling a vial of grey animal slurry before scribbling down “needs more snouts.” “We know no two Americans are the same, so to help everyone get the nutrition they need we’ve developed new Purina Human Nutrition mixes for children, teens, adults, and even seniors. These convenient meal-replacement pellets can be enjoyed wet or dry, and are formulated to meet the needs of the different human breed standards laid out by DHS Advisor Stephen Miller.”

Health influencer Sterling Patterson commended the Health Department’s new nutrition directives.

“For decades the deep state has been recommending we eat garbage like onions and grapes that are actually poisonous to us, but finally we have a Health Secretary brave enough to stand up for the health of all Americans,” said Patterson during an episode of his podcast “Detox Daddy.” “Just today I caught my son eating a piece of chocolate, but luckily I was able to induce vomiting with 3% hydrogen peroxide solution before the situation was fatal. Thankfully it’s nothing that a dinner of fish oil and raw deer liver can’t fix.”

At press time, the Trump Administration announced the Presidential Physical Fitness test would now emphasize agility and bite strength with an obstacle course and tug of war event.

We Look Back on the “Armageddon” Soundtrack Because, Look, We Don’t Have To Justify Ourselves to You, Ok?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Look, sometimes we like to revisit old albums that don’t necessarily fall into the category of punk, and, you know what? It’s actually none of your fucking business why we write certain articles. We’re not trying to impress anyone, and we’re certainly not trying to gain your approval. So if you choose not to read this one, it’s no big deal to us. Honestly, we don’t care.

“Armageddon” was a 1998 science fiction disaster film with Bruce Willis and Liv Tyler. It was about an oil drilling team sent to land on an asteroid and blow it up with a nuclear weapon to save the planet. Oh, you didn’t enjoy it because it was cheesy and silly? Well, we liked it. Sorry, we’re not Roger Fucking Ebert like you apparently are. Jesus Christ, there’s no pleasing some people.

“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith is on this soundtrack, as well as the David Thoener remix of “Sweet Emotion”. We really enjoyed listening to these songs, and we suppose you have a problem with that, as well. We also are huge fans of Bob Seger, and this soundtrack has “Roll Me Away”, which is a classic jam that oil drillers probably love. Guess we’re just more attuned to the tastes of the working class than you are, you elitist prick. 

This Journey tune, “Remember Me”, is really catchy, too. We’d never heard it before we saw the movie, but it sounds like it could’ve been a justifiable hit for them had they been so inclined as to release it as a single. There’s also a song by Our Lady Peace on here. What, you don’t like them, either? You have some sort of issue with “Superman’s Dead?” Well, we’re not going to let you ruin our fun. There are plenty of other sites where you can get your punk news, you know. If you choose to exit out of this page, we won’t lose any sleep.

It’s in the Criterion Collection, okay?! What, that’s not good enough for you?!

Oh look, there’s another Aerosmith song on here. It’s a cover of The Beatles’ “Come Together”, and…oh no. Oh, sweet Jesus, this is bad. We’re so sorry. You were right. This is what we get for airing out our guilty pleasures to our readers. Please don’t stop reading our articles. We promise we’ll look back on “Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables” or something next.

Bullshit Twins Aren’t Even the Kind Who Spend Every Waking Moment Together

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DULUTH, Minn. — Systems analyst Guillermo Rodriguez aggravated his friends when he notified them that he had a twin brother who lived in another town, sources report.

“What the fuck?” questioned Rodriguez’s friend Anita Werner. “Guillermo has a twin brother and I’m just now learning about this? Why aren’t the two of them inseparable, sharing the same hobbies and using funny languages that they made up together? Did they never dress the same and walk everywhere side by side? I asked Guillermo if he has a sixth sense about how his brother is feeling, like if he was in an accident would Guillermo sense it, and he just gave me this look like I’m a total moron. I’m going to have to rethink everything I knew about twins, because this flies directly in the face of all of it.”

Rodriguez was quite shocked how his friends responded to the news.

“I love my brother, but I don’t really see the need to be around him all the time,” said Rodriguez. “People tend to assume that we go everywhere together and finish each other’s sentences just because we’re twins. I guess maybe we did when we were little, but we both grew up to be two completely different people, who haven’t seen each other in years. He liked to play basketball while I liked to sit at home and play Warhammer 40,000, and he ran with the popular crowd in high school while I was more bookish and introverted. We still keep in touch, obviously, but he’s doing his thing while I’m doing mine. It’s really no big deal.”

Sociologist Myrtle Watkins weighed in on the situation.

“Movies and television definitely give some people misguided views on how twins function,” Watkins said. “While there are many sets of twins out there who share the same friends, attend the same gatherings, and participate in the same activities, most of them are just normal people who happened to have been born at the same time as one of their siblings. It’s very rare that they’ll present themselves like Tia and Tamara Mowery did in ‘Sister, Sister’ or those weird ghost twins from ‘The Shining,’ which can be a bit of a shock to people whose only exposure to the concept of twins has been through mediums like these.”

At press time, Werner became even more irritated when Rodriguez told her his twin brother didn’t even look the exact same as him.

Gen X Man Never Able to Match Childhood High of Finding Stack of Pornos in Woods

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Local 48-year-old Matt Hull lamented the fact that he was never able to match the joy he felt as a teen finding a stack of pornographic magazines in the woods, sources close to the inconsolable man reported.

“I can’t believe my life peaked at 13,” stated Hull. “When I stumbled upon that sticky stack of Boobs n’ Butts after taking a shortcut home from school on October 10, 1991, I thought my future would be constantly filled with magical boner-inducing moments like that, but boy was I wrong. The jubilation of that childhood discovery has eluded me my entire life, and now I realize that I’ve never had nor will I ever experience that kind of pure, unadulterated happiness again. I feel so alone. Finding PornHub on my laptop just isn’t the same.”

A long-time friend of Hull’s chimed in with his take on the situation. 

“Matt’s full of shit, he’s not alone, the guy’s got a great wife and two cool kids,” said Dirk Thomas. “It’s very concerning that he continues to hold up on a pedestal that he found some smut in the forest once that he liked to jerk it to, instead of focusing on all the good things in his life like his family and friends. The fact that he still holds that one incident up so high in his mind tells me that it’s either a warning sign for bigger mental issues in his life, or he’s just a real sleazeball about finding dirt mags in the woods.”

Social Scientist Christopher LeRoy explained what was happening with Hull wasn’t unusual.

“Gen Xers often reminisce about fond memories from their childhoods and have trouble coping without them,” said LeRoy. “This demographic of people love reminiscing about all the things they had growing up, from finding smut unexpectedly in fields or abandoned homes, to having a soft spot for outdated technology like landlines and walkmans. It makes them feel relevant, instead of facing the reality of dying penniless because they decided to pursue the arts back in college instead of listening to their parents and becoming an electrician’s apprentice, like my stupid brother Jim.”

At press time, Hull was seen headed into the woods with a stack of x-rated publications in an effort to pay it forward to the next generation of young pervs.

Opinion: Oh, So When Timothée Chalamet Nuts It’s “A Thematically-Rich Opening Credits Sequence,” but When I Do It, I’ve “Ruined Both Our Lives”?

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

I just got back from seeing Josh Safdie’s latest hit movie, Marty Supreme, and I have to say, I didn’t like it at all. The negative reviews are correct: it’s just far too unrealistic. For example, five minutes into the movie, Timothée’s character nuts in his girlfriend and everyone is ‘ooh’-ing and ‘ahh’-ing at how the scene transitions into the film’s beautiful opening credits. When you nut inside someone in real life, there are no oohs or ahhs, or even any credits at all. In fact, your partner might tell you that you’ve just “ruined both of our lives permanently.”

There comes a certain point where a movie is asking its audience to suspend their disbelief just a little too much. People are going on and on about the fact that Timothée’s nutting foreshadows the movie’s recurring themes of responsibility, purpose, and even the meaning of our short lives here on Earth. But that’s not very true to life at all. In fact, when I do it, the only thing I can foresee is my girlfriend running to the bathroom crying and all the bills I’ll have to pay after the next nine months. What gives?

What was Josh Safdie going for with this one, exactly? Certainly not a genuine exploration of the human condition, I’ll tell you that. Exhibit A: In Marty Supreme, Timothée’s sperm fertilizes his girlfriend’s egg, which then slowly transforms into a ping pong ball. It was nowhere near as cinematic when I did it, and there were no ping pong balls involved. I just don’t understand why he gets all this praise for impregnating his girlfriend, but I’m getting shamed all day and night. Is it just because he’s a handsome, famous actor? That means he can get away with it and leave the rest of us shmucks to deal with the consequences he never has to face? 

“Oh, it’s so poetic that the baby is conceived at the beginning of the movie, and he finally meets his son for the first time at the very end!” I can tell you right now, this is where the conversations around this movie completely lose me. There is absolutely nothing poetic about not wearing protection, even if you play “Forever Young” by Alphaville while it’s happening. Let my story be a warning to you kids: don’t try to emulate Marty Mauser. And by that I mean, “don’t nut in your girlfriend.” Believe me, it’s nothing like the movies. You’ll ruin your and your partners’ lives (apparently.) 

That being said, I’m a really huge fan of Kevin O’Leary, and I’d give his performance five out of five stars. 

Tom Waits Insists Royalty Checks Be Delivered by Raven Wearing Top Hat

Posted on by Tim Graham

SONOMA COUNTY, Calif. — Eccentric singer Tom Waits demanded all correspondence be brought to him in increasingly unorthodox ways, frustrated couriers confirm.

“The record company wants to send me checks in the mail—that’s just boring, man,” said Waits while feeding a tortoise that lives in a rusted Studebaker. “Their jobs must be incredibly dull, so I like to liven things up a bit for them. These days my checks are delivered by a big ol’ raven named Lloyd who wears a little top hat. Every time he drops off a check I give him some seeds and a shiny steel wartime penny. I used to have them fly a pedal-powered dirigible over the house and put the check inside a Burma Shave jar which would safely float to the ground on a tiny parachute, but I guess the FAA didn’t cotton to that so much.”

The raven’s owner says it was challenging to train the bird to deliver the checks.

“Lloyd is one of my smartest ravens,” said Ricky Llywelyn of Llywelyn’s Bird Academy. “Even so, I had a tough time getting him to conform to Mr. Waits’ seemingly arbitrary rules. For instance, the raven is to arrive after sunup but before the sunlight illuminates the pile of vintage spittoons in his yard. And if it’s raining, Mr. Waits insists Lloyd wears a tiny Mackintosh coat that once belonged to a 1930s circus monkey named Pipsqueak. Lloyd will wear the top hat and coat just fine, but he rejected the monocle that Mr. Waits had also requested.”

Longtime record industry executive Carlton Sweat says some artists seem to enjoy making things difficult for the administrators in the business.

“They resent the suits and often see us as impediments to their artistic expression, even though we’re the ones that get them paid—after taking our cut, of course,” said Sweat. “Sometimes they take it out on us in creative ways. For example, for a time Axl Rose would refuse to go on stage unless he had a fresh piece of straw to chew on like he did in the ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ video—and it had to be from his hometown in Indiana. We wasted a lot of money overnighting straw on that tour.”

At press time, Waits had further complicated his royalty payment process, now demanding that checks be printed on paper made from shredded pre-war horse racing forms.

Unhinged Terry Gross Summarizes Entire Movie While Actor Stands By

Posted on by Jeff Bender

PHILADELPHIA — Beloved NPR journalist Terry Gross went rogue Friday during a live on-stage interview in which she summarized the entirety of Jason Momoa’s new movie “The Inmate,” helpless sources reported. 

“I didn’t realize she was going to reveal the whole plot and spoil the ending, which [writer Brad] Ingelsby worked so hard to keep from the public,” said Momoa. “Initially, she started with the premise, as always—‘In this movie you play a man who’s falsely accused of’—but where she usually breaks off to play a clip and then say, ‘Jason Momoa, welcome to ‘Fresh Air,’’ this time she kept going. She blew through the sentencing, the trial, all the way to the Act III climax, where it’s revealed that my character actually did the thing he was accused of. At one point I tried to butt-in, but she snapped, ‘Excuse me, I’m talking,’ and continued reading from her notes.” 

“Fresh Air” producer Ann Marie Baldonado was amazed but not surprised. 

“We’re always worried she’ll pull something like this, especially now that she’s nearing retirement. She actually came close with Dennis Hopper in ’03, but we were able to fix it in post-production,” said Baldonado, who’s worked for the show since 1998. “This time she knew exactly what she was doing. She saw us waving our arms in the wings, but she gave us a very subtle middle finger and continued detailing every aspect of the movie. The audience didn’t seem to know whether it was a joke or if Terry Gross had finally cracked up.” 

After spoiling the whole movie, including its heartbreaking denouement, Gross pumped her fist and addressed the audience. 

“Whew! I feel so free. Every time I launch into a premise, I dream about going all the way. Well, today I did,” said the Peabody and Edward R. Murrow award winner. “And why? Because I watched the whole movie. I took notes. I paid the price. Don’t you think I deserve to go all the way just once in my career? Fifty years I’ve been holding back. You know what that does to a host? If you don’t like it, fuck you.” 

At press time, co-host Tanya Mosley had wrested the microphone away from Gross to say they’d be back after a quick break and that this was “Fresh Air.”