Hardcore Band Cites Different Band With Same Members as Major Influence

Posted on by Carson Kile

CHICAGO — Local hardcore outfit Deep Cuts listed Hawaiian Gut Punch, another band with the exact same members, as a major influence, sources confirmed. 

“It’s pretty common in the hardcore scene for members to band-hop or start new projects,” remarked Lillian Martin, the drummer for both bands. “There’s so much swapping around of people that sometimes you lose track of who’s playing with who these days. I actually completely forgot that I played in Hawaiian Gut Punch for years. It’s kind of a relief, I’ve been trying to rip off their snare tone for years, and I just remembered that I’m the one who tuned it. It’s also helped my dating life tremendously. When the guitarist and I started having relationship trouble in Deep Cuts, I remembered that I was still single in the other band. It can be really handy sometimes.”

Lead vocalist Vicky King doubled down on her enthusiasm for the redundant second band.

“They’re the only ones talking about shit that actually matters these days,” stated King, as she admired pictures of herself. “No other band, with the exception of my other band, has the same depth of thought behind their lyrics as they do. The fact that I also wrote those lyrics is a complete coincidence. Plus, fronting two bands is great for merch sales. We can set both of them up at one table so people can conveniently ignore two bands at once. It’s a win-win for everybody involved.”

Andre Rogers, self-proclaimed super fan of both bands, commented on the differences between the two.

“Clearly, one is melodic hardcore, and the other is hardcore with melodic elements,” whined Rogers, while using job applications as rolling papers. “I’m tired of people saying they’re the same band just because they have the same members except for the second guitarist. It’s like, just because it’s the same lineup, doesn’t mean the dynamic is unchanged. It’s like if the Ship of Theseus was completely rebuilt with the same parts again, and if those parts still lived in their parents’ basements. Between you and me though, Deep Cuts is slightly better in my opinion. They have more of a raw, unfinished edge to their sound that really — oh wait, that’s the other one. Never mind.”

At press time, the members of both bands were seen arguing with a show promoter for only paying them once after they “co-headlined.” 

We Completely Made up This Interview With Dave Mustaine Because We Didn’t Want To Talk to Him

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Alright, we can’t be blamed for this one. Would you be excited if you were assigned to conduct an interview with thrash metal’s most obnoxious frontman? Be honest here. This isn’t like the time we missed our Skype meeting with Iggy Pop because we were hungover. We’re honestly huge fans of Megadeth, and would be stoked to sit down with Dave Mustaine if he weren’t such a nightmare human. I figured it would be way easier to skip meeting the real him, and just interview “him.” So yeah, the below is a total fabrication. You can be as upset as you want; I don’t care. Just please, please don’t rat me out here. Try to put yourself in my position, okay? 

Hard Times: Hey Dave, it’s really nice to meet you!

Dave Mustaine: Likewise!

HT: So how’s life been? 

DM: We probably just finished putting out another bullshit album that’s way overproduced, and I’ve probably already fired everybody who played on it.

HT: Oh, cool. Yeah, we’re definitely not going to listen to it.

DM: That’s fair. I just threw it on the pile of albums we’ve made over the last three decades. I’m sure some people will like it, but I’m well aware that 95% of our fans haven’t cared about anything we’ve released since “Countdown to Extinction”, you know?

HT: Yeah, we definitely fall in that category, and even that’s a stretch. We tapped out after “Rust in Peace”, to be completely honest.

DM: That’s fair.

HT: “Rust in Peace” fucking rules though. So does everything you put out before it.

DM: Thanks! I appreciate that.

HT: While we’re on the subject of your older stuff, can you add some songs to your live sets from “Peace Sells” beyond just the title track? That album is a masterpiece, and we’d love to hear something like “My Last Words” live.

DM: That sounds like a great idea, but we likely won’t do it. We will primarily play new stuff that you don’t give a shit about, though, and continue to encore with “Peace Sells” if that interests you?

HT: It really doesn’t. 

DM: Sorry, man. Do you want to talk about religion or politics?

HT: With you? Absolutely fucking not. I think we’re done here.

There you have it. It may be completely fake, but at least I got to keep my job, so long as you’re cool and keep your mouth shut about this. In the meantime, would you have any interest in interviewing Michael Graves? Because we sure as shit don’t.

Couple Plans on Binge-Watching Shows Until Fascism Blows Over

Posted on by Tim Graham

UPPER MARLBORO, Md. — Wayne and Heidi Stevens intend to wait out the US’ burgeoning authoritarian regime by consuming an abundance of TV shows, according to sources within their Nextdoor network.

“We usually try to stay informed on current events, but I think we’re going to sit this one out,” said Mrs. Stevens while drawing the living room curtains. “Things are getting a little heavy out there, so we’re just going to hunker down with some great shows—preferably those with lots of seasons—and wait for the dust to settle. We’ve got every streaming service there is. Right now we have a list of about five years worth of programming to burn through. If the nastiness lasts longer than that, well, we can always force ourselves to like anime.”

Mr. Stevens says they’ll have to dig deep to find enough shows since they watched so many while riding out the last catastrophe.

“We binged a shitload of TV during covid. I know some people baked bread or learned a language or got in shape, but we just watched shows,” said Mr. Stevens. “We were watching so much TV that we had to Doordash Visine on more than one occasion. Now we’re more prepared—we’ve got several cases of eye drops and microwave popcorn in the garage. We went through all the major shows during that period: ‘The Sopranos,’ ‘Breaking Bad,’ ‘Mad Men,’ ‘Battlestar Galactica,’ ‘The Wire’…twice. So now we’re having to broaden our horizons. Looks like the ‘Yellowstone’ extended universe could carry us through a few months at least.”

Civil rights activist Alejandro Jiménez argues that it requires enormous privilege to be able go unnoticed during authoritarian crackdowns.

“Gee whiz, I sure hope that this boujee caucasian couple doesn’t get bored or run out of shows! That would be the real tragedy of all this,” said Jiménez. “Nevermind that people who look like me are being abducted off the street by masked paramilitary agents. We need to make sure upper middle class whites like the Stevens aren’t inconvenienced. My cousin just got kidnapped by ICE. I think he’s in a prison camp in Louisiana now. Or maybe El Salvador—who knows? That being said, they should totally check out La Casa de las Flores. Great show.”

At press time, the couple were reportedly excited to learn of “Trăsniții,” a Romanian sitcom with over 1,300 episodes.

Punk Cadaver Dog Keeping Skull 

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SELBYVILLE, Del. — A punk cadaver dog who was in the middle of searching for human remains from a historic cold case, reportedly found a victim’s skull and refused to give it back, according to frustrated sources. 

“You’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead paws,” stated four-year-old Rottie mix, Vandal. “A lot of my work involves locating and giving up skeleton remains, which as a dog programmed to chew bones, is kind of fucked up. When I came across that one skull something deep inside my canine DNA took over and it was definitely a case of ‘finders-keepers.’ I just don’t understand why the family insists on having it back for closure — I purposely left behind a few vertebrae for that very reason.” 

Vandal’s handler, Detective Curtis Kibble, explained how the dog’s action put the entire case in jeopardy.

“When Vandal found that skull, the entire team knew we had finally located the final victim of the dreaded ‘Cattle Prod Killer,’” Detective Kibble stated. “In retrospect, we shouldn’t have bragged to the media that we finally cracked the case before that damn dog ignored all my commands and hightailed it into the woods. He was grinning the entire time and at one point I swear it looked like he actually flipped me off. I’m two months from retirement, I don’t need this shit.”

Professor Kate Gibbons, expert in animal psychology, provided insight into what may have been going through Vandal’s scruffy little head.

“Dogs’ primal urges have been suppressed by generations of living indoors like other members of the family,” said Gibbons. “Where they used to enjoy the satisfaction of hunting for survival, they now just have to simply whine a few times before their owners provide them with food on a silver platter followed by a belly rub. But it’s all for the best, because if we knew the truth we wouldn’t be able to sleep, knowing that our furry best friends’ wouldn’t hesitate to tear apart our bodies and feast on our carcass if given the opportunity.” 

At press time, Vandal was seen back at the crime scene, trying to mount one of the forensic crime scene investigators.

This Conversation We Had With Ian Mackaye After We Rear-Ended Him in the Trader Joe’s Parking Lot Technically Counts as an Interview

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh, hell yeah! We landed an interview with one of the most legendary frontmen in all of hardcore, Ian MacKaye! Good thing our intern Nathan spotted him pulling his 1998 Ford Escort out of the Wisconsin Avenue Trader Joe’s while we were going to stock up on those bomb-ass Chili and Lime Rolled Tortilla Chips. 

Granted, we were a little hasty making our way over to him, but we certainly hope you enjoy the ensuing back-and-forth.

The Hard Times: Oh wow, Mr. MacKaye, it’s truly such an honor to meet you!

Ian MacKaye: Dude, what the fuck? You were going like 45 MPH in a goddamn parking lot. You’re going to get someone killed driving like that!

HT: It’s a well-known fact that you’re not really comfortable being seen as the founding father of the Straight Edge lifestyle, but can you at least admit that you started something way bigger than you could have ever imagined with just one song?

IM: What? Sorry, I was getting my insurance info out of my glove compartment. Why aren’t you doing the same thing?

HT: We were just wondering how you feel about single-handedly starting a movement that millions of people follow to this day.

IM: I have no interest in talking about that. I just want to exchange insurance information so I can go home to my family.

HT: Oh, we don’t have insurance. How do you feel about the direction hardcore music took after you had such an unmatched impact on the creation of it?

IM: You don’t have insurance?!

HT: OK, it’s time for the kicker. Which do you prefer: Minor Threat or Fugazi? You can be honest with us here.

IM: I can’t fucking believe this. I’m calling the police right now, and I wrote down your license plate in case you try to flee the scene.

HT: “Flee the scene” of an exclusive interview with a pioneer of the genre of music our magazine covers? Yeah right!

IM: Can’t you see I’m on the phone? Please be quiet.

HT: Oh shit, you’re calling the cops?

IM: Yes. Again, shut up.

HT: Oh, please don’t involve law enforcement in this interview. It looks like we have about $7 in quarters in our cupholder, as well as an Impossible Whopper that Nathan hasn’t unwrapped yet. Do you think that will cover the damages?

IM: Jesus Christ.

HT: Oh wait, he did unwrap it. But we swear he hasn’t bitten into it yet. Ian? Ian?

It was at this point that Ian completely ignored us until the cops came. We won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say this wasn’t how we envisioned the interview going. And that’s exactly what it was: an interview. You can’t prove otherwise. Also, feel free to join the Patreon if you can, because we really did a number on his rear bumper and need all the money we can get.

Fox News Says Laura Ingraham’s Dreams Count as Real Stories

Posted on by Mark Shady

NEW YORK — Conservative cable network Fox News revealed that host Laura Ingraham’s dreams now officially counted as real news stories, confirmed sources. 

“Over are the days when our affiliates can present a story based on what is happening at that very moment,” began Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott. “Some say the best journalism occurs during REM sleep. Do you realize how fast a story can spread when it is based on subconscious thought patterns? If Ronan Farrow can present news based on investigative reporting then we sure as shit can monitor Laura’s brain activity at three in the morning for some juicy headlines. And forget fact checking — it used to matter when concrete evidence was actually required for authenticity. But facts don’t care about your feelings and neither do Laura’s dreams.”

Ingraham appeared to have a lot of content to build off of. 

“I just knew my dream book would come in handy as a source for current events,” began Ingraham. “Look, I can’t help it if my dreams are so vivid that they are more newsworthy than anything the lame-stream media can conjure up! Last night, I had a dream where all of Adam Schiff’s teeth fell out in a gender-neutral bathroom while Gavin Newsome punched a baby in the face. Boom! News story. But, hey, watch tonight and see for yourself. That or you can switch over to NPR but I guarantee you, the only dream they’re trying to get you to buy is that the American dream is still achievable!”

Ex-commentator Bill O’Reilly of the now-defunct “O’Reilly Factor” beamed with delight knowing Fox was still on the bleeding edge of opinion news.

“Good for them!” exclaimed O’Reilly. “There’s not gonna be any dead-air time because her dreams are really detailed — like the one about when she and Tucker Carlson were married; they started gaining super powers as US citizens simultaneously lost their health care. That last part is actually real though. See? Sometimes her dreams are even a reality. I’m glad Fox is going back to this format. During my show, they said ‘gut feelings’ and ‘vibes’ counted as new stories.”

At press time, Fox News also revealed that they would start using AI slop images as “credible sources.” 

Dave From Dave’s Killer Bread Inducted Into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

CLEVELAND — Dave Dahl, best known as the face and founder of Dave’s Killer Bread, was inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame (RRHOF) during a ceremony last weekend, sources confirmed. 

“When I was getting my life together in prison, I promised myself I’d get into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame one day. I didn’t have a music career, a band, industry contacts, a microphone, or even a roll of gaffer tape to forget in the van. All I had was a vision: putting a cartoon of myself playing guitar on the bags of as many loaves of bread as possible,” Dahl said. “People always ask what chord I’m playing on that cartoon guitar. It looks like a C, but the pinky across the frets throws them off. All that matters is that I sold Dave’s Killer Bread for almost $300 million and am now recognized as one of the most important musicians in bread mascot history.”

Dahl’s qualifications were never in doubt.

“By leveraging something as simple as a bread bag, millions of people have seen Dave play guitar live. His iconic image sports the correct hair-to-mustache ratio, too,” said Mo Koybelle, chair of the RRHOF Nomination Committee. “Frankly, even without the guitar, he’s more rock ‘n’ roll than some of our other inductees. He spent 15 years in the pen for drugs, armed robbery, burglary, and assault. Then he rammed a police car with his Cadillac and sent three deputies to the hospital. I guess he ran out of knuckles to break, because he got hit with that punk PMA and hired ex-cons at his bakery as a ‘fuck you’ to the system. He used attention from the press to talk about mental health and recidivism. It’s said Jesus went looking for this motherfucker just to see if he was real, not the other way around. You can’t say that about drips like attorney Allen Grubman or the solo career of Ringo Starr.”

Experts saw Dahl’s induction as a sign of the times.

“In the AI era, the ‘vibe’ of creating music is more important than actually creating music. It’s natural that the social anesthetic of ‘bread and circuses’ would evolve into ‘bread and bread,’” said Dawn Dischope, music historian. “The next generation of Hall hopefuls should focus less on making music and more on releasing biodegradable Keurig pods, bacon-scented condoms, and branded urinal cakes. Leave the art to the machines.”

As of press time, Joe Camel, the famous jazz pianist, was added to the list of next year’s nominees.

How to Get That Cute Girl at the Show to Notice You by Taking off Your Shirt and Starting Fights in the Moshpit

Posted on by Steve Packosky

So you just got to the Whitechapel concert, and you noticed there’s a cute girl standing by herself off to the side. She looks to be about your age and definitely seems like your type. You mentioned her to your friend, and he suggested maybe complimenting her Bodysnatcher shirt as a way to strike up a conversation and get to know her as a person.

Well, your friend is a pussy, and doesn’t know the first thing about women. 

Nah, we’re going to teach you how to handle this situation the right way. It’s obvious by her choice in music that this girl is turned on by masculinity, so what better way to demonstrate yourself as an exemplar of this than by taking off your shirt? I mean, you were clearly planning on doing that at some point, anyway, so what’s the harm in making sure it’s during the opening band and in her line of vision? It kind of sucks that she won’t get to catch a glimpse of the sick Falling in Reverse logo with the tour dates on the back, but whatever. She’s gonna go fucking apeshit over your pecs, so no biggie.

There you go, and make sure that crucifix tattoo you just got on your left bicep is fully visible. Fuck yeah, she probably can’t get enough of it. Only problem is, it’s kind of chilly in here. You’ve usually been hitting the pit for a while by the time you’ve partially disrobed, so you’d better get in there now to warm up. Just make sure she can see you fucking destroying everyone who thinks they can step to you. Don’t forget to boorishly walk through everyone in your path as you make your way to the pit, too. Saying “excuse me” or gently putting your hand on people’s shoulders as you brush past is for fucking soyboys, and she knows it.

Now’s the final, most crucial step of the process. You need to start fights with fucking everybody. We know this is a moshpi,t and people are supposed to run into you, but it’s time to start taking it like a personal insult. Matching other people’s good-natured slams with inordinate force will show her that you’re the fucking alpha in this venue. You keep this up, and she’ll be all over you while you’re picking strangers’ teeth out of your fist in no time. So what are you waiting for? This concert’s not going to ruin itself!

Undercover Cop Only One on Time to DIY Show

Posted on by Carson Kile

SAN DIEGO — A local venue uncovered a sting operation within their premises when a plainsclothes police officer blew his cover by being the only one on time to last night’s DIY punk show, sources confirmed. 

“I have no idea what any of them are talking about,” said Blake Christophen, as he pulled down his Blue Lives Matter Punisher gaiter and removed his orange Oakley sunglasses. “I’m just a regular citizen, who came here to enjoy some rock and roll that was supposed to start at exactly 18:00 Pacific Time. I’m not here to bust anybody’s balls. I can help set up if they need it. I have some zip ties in the back of my car we could use.”

Mary Tang, longtime influential member of the local DIY scene, was not falling for the obvious charade.

“He’s clearly a cop,” proclaimed Tang, as she arrived on the scene 45 minutes late. “He’s the only one here that doesn’t work in the warehouse across the street. He’s also the only one here that’s dressed like John Cena. But the most damning evidence is that he’s the only one that showed up on time. Everybody knows that if a show is starting at 6:00 PM, that means you’re showing up at 8:30 to help set up. Don’t show up five minutes early and double park your Ford Explorer in the disability parking. At least try to be a little inconspicuous.”

Local chief of police Barney Quinn expressed his disappointment in the failed operation.

“This is sloppy police work,” commented Quinn while stacking donuts on his gun and eating them like a kabob. “Even I know you don’t show up on time to these shows if you want to avoid suspicion. I am very distraught over the situation, we’ve been working this angle for years and we were this close to busting an underground Antifa operation. I won’t say too much, but we had very good reason to suspect that Nancy Pelosi was performing transgender surgeries on MS-13 members in that venue. Now we’ll have to rebuild trust by sending officers into the vegan punk scene, which is even more of a woke nightmare than this. Godspeed to whichever poor sucker they assign that operation to.”

At press time, an undercover police officer working as a non-binary barista was tapped to take over the case. 

Libertarian Recommends Children Do DoorDash to Settle Lunch Debt

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

DENVER — Libertarian Rich Fayleson recently advocated on the podcast Debate Me Bro that children who have school-lunch debt should consider doing DoorDash in order to settle it, confirmed sources. 

“Look, I didn’t need any government handouts when I was a kid going to school,” said Fayleson, adjusting his bowtie while pretending to read “Atlas Shrugged.” “And that’s because my wealthy parents solved literally all my problems by throwing money at them, like it should be. That’s just market forces at work. Same goes for school-lunch debt—that’s just the market making a correction for lazy children who are choosing to be in debt by not strapping on their Heelys and doing DoorDash for a couple hours a day.”

Braeden Taylor, a seventh grader at Hamilton Middle School, commented on the absurdity of children being expected to pay off lunch debt themselves.

“Bruh, it just seems, like, totally sus for a 12-year-old to have to be an adult,” said Taylor, rolling his eyes. “Only a delulu idiot addicted to brain rot would think that a kid in middle school should incur debt just from, like, needing to eat. A person who thinks working off lunch debt is fair or reasonable is probably just a resentful douche who’s had literally everything handed to them. Indeed, lunch debt is just Fanum taxing taken to its logical conclusion.”

Dr. Kyle Reno, a professor of political science at the University of Colorado Denver, discussed the irony of Libertarian thinking.

“Libertarianism is a childish and selfish ideology, and the crushing irony is that it leads to childish and self-centered thinking,” explained Reno, sighing heavily. “Libertarians are a bunch of petulant, basement-dwelling egomaniacs who are certain they’d be feudal lords of their Rand-ian fantasy worlds. In reality, their arguments for minimalist government exist purely to launder a pathologically selfish worldview that even Gordon Gecko would scoff at. Is it any wonder most libertarians are raised by elitist assholes who think the less-well-off are right where they belong?”

At press time, Fayleson offered more advice for children trying to work off lunch debt: “If DoorDash doesn’t pan out, kids, there’s always the mines.”