Opening Band Impresses Headliner With 45 Minutes of Meticulous Tuning

Posted on by James Knapp

DENVER — Local math-ska band Honkzonga recently wasted theirs and everyone else’s time while trying to impress the headliner for a show they somehow conned their way onto, sources who think that actually went pretty well confirmed.

“We don’t get asked to play a lot of shows, so we really wanted to show that we know what we’re doing and are professionals. And we figured what better way to do that than to let the headliner check out our extensive, some might say excessive tuning process,” explained Honkzonga bass player Freddy Plemmons. “I think we really blew them away! Some people were so impressed they couldn’t even make eye contact with us — some even left the venue to smoke what I assume were celebration cigarettes.”

Despite the band’s self-assurance, audience members were less enthusiastic about the tuning process seemingly designed as some sort of Jigsaw-esque punishment.

“Math-ska tuning: I didn’t know this level of hell existed,” remarked showgoer Glen Henderson. “I’m jaded enough to have accepted that local shows are always going to be a bit of a technical minefield, but this felt like a stress that went out of control. It was worse than the time I went to a folk punk show and they spent twenty minutes trying to get the right levels in the monitor for the saw player.”

Headlining band Blood Butt and the Stool Softeners gave their perspective on the tone adjustment holocaust they had to witness.

“It was amazing! Oh my goodness, how are we not the ones opening for those guys!” said genuinely enthusiastic Blood Butt frontman David “Fissure” Clark. “I mean, the way they just kept on tuning and tuning and tuning without stop — they must be real professionals. Sure it set the whole show back by six hours and now we’re gonna miss the next tour stop because of it, but fuck Iowa City anyway. This was worth it!”

At press time, members of Honkzonga were compiling a highly detailed and specific list of needs that they’re sure the sound guy at their next show will be thrilled to implement for them.

Democrat Loses on Purpose To Write Memoir

Posted on by Tyler Roland

MUNCIE, Ind. — Democratic gubernatorial candidate Wesley Ellison admitted to purposely phoning in his run for governor while writing a memoir reflecting on his loss, apathetic sources confirmed.

“I didn’t put too much energy into my campaign, but I did spend a lot of time thinking about potential paperback sales,” Ellison asserted. “My memoir paints a picture of a tarnished nation — powerless now, but poised to rise from dictatorial ashes in the future, emphasis on ‘future.’ I am shocked and appalled by Trump’s rape of American democracy. However, I am not in favor of confronting it with bloodshed, or, for that matter, any action whatsoever. Putting a halt to the bulldozing of the Trump administration would take serious effort. Rather than help restore the foundations of democracy, I did something profitable on a personal level. We’ll plan on doing something. Eventually. In the meantime, please buy my new book, ‘American Blues: How the ‘Radical Left’ Will End Up On the ‘Radical Right’ Side of History.’”  

Dwight Sederman, one of Ellison’s voters, is displeased with the decision of the candidate he supported.

“Well, I was never really a ‘supporter,’” Sederman clarified. “I don’t believe in idolizing politicians, and the whole ‘The Coolest Wes Since Anderson’ slogan felt weird and irrelevant. Now we have that asshole [Rick] Reynolds running the show. He just posted ‘get ready for an ICE-cold summer’ on Twitter, although I’m sure he would throw a fit if anyone in his office called it that. Thanks a lot, Ellishit, you just set our state back forty years.”

Elise Victor, the publisher of memoir, sees a bright future for Ellison’s book.

“I think of him as the next Jake Tapper or Hillary Clinton, in terms of hand-wringing writing,” said Victor. “We’re about to tear the New York Times bestseller list a new asshole. People are saying he could have been hosting rallies in more rural areas, like Reynolds was, but Wes kept writing like a man possessed, sending me drafts that would make Obama weep.”

At press time, Ellison’s memoir had 16 preorders through Barnes & Noble, and a further nine through Amazon, after Chuck Schumer gave it a shoutout in a recent press conference.

I Was One of the Angst-Ridden Teens in the “Last Resort” Music Video, and You Will Address Me With the Respect I Deserve

Posted on by Steve Packosky

What the fuck did you just say to me? I can’t believe your insolence, but I’ll be willing to give you the benefit of a great deal of doubt since you likely don’t know who I am. You see, in the Year of Our Lord 2000, I was featured as one of the angst-ridden teens in the music video for nu-metal band Papa Roach’s “Last Resort”. As such, you will address me with the respect that is due to someone of such rank and nobility.

That’s right. How dare you deign to look me in the eyes and speak to me so boldly. Can you be seen in plain view next to Sacramento’s greatest nu-metal band as they gifted the viewer with heavily censored lyrics over a recycled Iron Maiden guitar lead? No, you can’t, and it shows. It shows in the pathetic, pompous manner in which you carry yourself, and it shows in the reprehensible tone you adopt when speaking to people who are obviously better than you, such as myself.

Not only were my gorgeous goatee, spiked hair, and choker chain prominently displayed in the black expanse the band chose for the music video’s primary setting, but I also admitted the production crew into my bedroom for a shot of me glaring obstinately at the camera. My performance complemented the anthemic tune beautifully, likely taking it to positions on the charts it wouldn’t otherwise have reached. And what contributions have you made to society, you oafish ingrate? What did you accomplish prior to telling me to “watch where I’m going” after bumping into me as I’m stepping out of this Red Robin? That’s right. Nothing. 

The absolute gall it takes to show yourself in my presence, unjustifiably content with your life and completely unaware of the greatness you’re defiling simply by breathing the same air. My stomach roils at the sight of you, but I dare not upset the sidewalk with my sick, lest you erroneously conclude that you’re worthy of the time and effort it took me to double over and retch. 

So go on, continue occupying your day with whatever meaningless little tasks you undertake to stay amused and entertained, swine, and I’ll go back to gracing various establishments in this strip mall with my presence. You’ll surely never forget me, but what do you think the odds are that your pitiable visage will never cross my mind again? Ah, yes, I think Papa Roach put it best when they said “chances are dynamite”.

Conservative Men Use Empty Melania Theaters for Grindr Hookups

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Multiple D.C. area movie theaters say Republican members of Congress and congressional staffers have begun using empty screenings of “Melania,” a documentary about first lady Melania Trump, as informal meeting places for anonymous sexual encounters.

“I’ve never felt so free!” A Republican congressman, who agreed to speak anonymously, exclaimed and further detailed, “Usually I have to wait till the national convention for this kind of privacy and action, but these theaters are fucking empty! I’m at the Gallery Place Regal around lunch time, fooling around with a tourist, fast forward a few hours later, and I’m at a matinee at the AMC in Georgetown, hooking up with some guy named like Enrique that has no idea I want to deport him. It’s the ultimate high. Plus, I am still home by 8 to say prayers with my wife, Sarah, and my daughters. Oh, you know what, please take out the Sarah and daughters part.”

Theater staff seem generally unbothered but still mildly uncomfortable with the repurposing of the theater space. 

“Two guys in red MAGA hats and cross necklaces just going to town on each other is not something we normally deal with, but for the most part, they are polite and clean up after themselves except for a few popcorn buckets with very small holes cut out of the bottom,” said Scott Colby, a theater employee and local college student. “The flirting in the lobby gets real bizarre, like some guy in one of those weird Dan Bongino trench coats kept asking this other guy if he was ready to take Greenland, pretty sure he had to be naked under the trench coat, right?”

An expert on movie cult phenomena, Elizabeth Hines, wasn’t surprised by the development. 

“It’s fascinating to watch such a vast film cult develop in real time. I was there when throwing spoons at “The Room” became a thing, but this is next level. These duplicitous closeted men have even started doing Rocky Horror style callouts, like shouting “Oh my God I’m gonna cum!” during the Michael Jackson sing-along. It may become the most frequented but never-watched movie in cinema history, and Melania Trump may become the first true icon for closeted god-fearing gay men. She’s like their Cher now.”

After realizing the documentary flopped, Donald Trump Jr. has assembled a think tank, mostly his coolest cocaine dealers, to revitalize Moviepass, rebrand it as a hookup app, and monetize on this moment. 

Pete Hegseth’s Office to Appear on Latest Episode of ‘Bar Rescue’

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — An upcoming episode of “Bar Rescue” will see gastropub mogul John Taffer attempt to rehabilitate Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s office, confirmed sources.

“The office somehow has 12 beers on tap, a boutique winery, and a fully operating distillery in the corner. Not to mention it’s in a prime location with a jukebox full of REO Speedwagon,” said Taffer. “But Pete was passed out under his desk and there were vomit stains all over the carpet. He needs to fully rebrand if he wants to run a successful U.S. government office. That’s where I come in. This isn’t an economy problem, it’s a management problem — and I’m gonna get to the bottom of it!”

Barback and U.S. government intern Chase Murphy believes that, without Taffer’s intervention, Hegseth’s office could be forced to close its doors.

“It feels like we’re working our hardest to keep the Department of Defense running, but Pete’s fighting us at every turn. He’s drinking more than we sell, letting his weird buddies open huge tabs. The list goes on,” said Murphy. “The rebrand just killed any kind of momentum we had. The Department of Defense was a D.C. staple, and our old regulars weren’t ready for the change at all. Everything has just been poorly rolled out, like he’s not even trying. I’m just tired. We’re all tired.”

Hegseth has a different view on the bar’s success.

“I wanted to rename this place the ‘Department of War.’ I already had a neon sign made and everything. I also want to install a dart board and foosball table but Taffer said no,” said Hegseth. “Taffer is a low rate con-man, and his show’s ratings are awful. My office is the best place to drink in D.C., and fake news outlets like the Paramount Network have spent millions trying to defame me. They’re sending Taffer to tell me that I don’t know how to run my office or that I shouldn’t drink on the job. It’s another classic hit job from the legacy media. The American people are sick and tired of seeing Hollywood media elites tell New York City media elites that they aren’t qualified to run a trillion-dollar military industrial complex.”

When contacted for a follow-up, Hegseth’s office said that the Secretary of Defense is unavailable for standing up from his chair.

If You Have What It Takes To Be Ink Master, You’ll Have No Problem Putting This Foghat Tattoo on My Scrotum

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When I signed up to be a human canvas on this show, it was with the understanding that I would be worked on by the best of the best. I’m sick of so-called “artists” who are either unable or unwilling to give me what I want. So no, I’m not interested in changing the subject matter or the placement. If you really have what it takes to be Ink Master, you’ll be able to put this Foghat tattoo on my scrotum.

So what’s it going to be? Are you going to be able to accommodate me, or am I going to have to storm out in a huff, leaving you forced to needle some half-assed facsimile of what I requested onto your own thigh? You know the ability to work with a customer is part of what the judges on this show look for, and I can just imagine DJ Tambe’s expression of disappointment as you’re called up to have your work critiqued. Do you really want that?

No, I don’t mean the band’s logo, or the words “SLOW RIDE”, either. Today is portrait day, and as such, I want this picture from December of 1976 of the band bowing together on stage during a show at the Palladium in New York City. That’s Dave Peverett, Roger Earl, Craig McGregor, and Rod “The Bottle” Price together, arm-in-arm, just after they finished playing “Night Shift”, on the front of my scrotum. It wouldn’t make sense if it was on the side or the back. And I happen to think this is a great idea for a tattoo, despite how “unbelievably stupid and disgusting” you seem to think it is. 

I would’ve thought you’d be psyched about this. I’m getting older, and the profound case of testicular distension that’s accompanied the years I’ve racked up has left you with more than enough room to work with, and don’t you artists love rock’n roll? Foghat’s probably everybody’s favorite two-hit wonder from the seventies. Three-hit, if you count “Fool for the City”, which you can bet your ass I do. Sorry it’s not a bunch of screamers with gauges in their ears, or whatever it is you like.

Alright, enough talk. Let’s get to inkin’. I just know you’re going to end up in the season finale after you nail this piece. Speaking of which, do you need a human canvas for your final tattoo? Because I’m a huge Grand Funk Railroad fan, and my entire ass is untouched. Just something for you to consider.

Gadsden Flag Updated to Clarify Treading on Neighbors Okay

Posted on by Harry Valentine

CHARLESTON, S.C. — The Gadsden Flag, an icon of the American Revolutionary War that sports the phrase “Don’t Tread on Me,” will now feature the additional text “But It Is Fine to Tread on My Neighbors if You Want,” confirmed sources.

“This is long overdue,” said Bubba Gadsden, chair of the Gadsden Family Estate, as he whittled on his front porch. “When my great great grampy Christopher Gadsden wrote ‘Don’t Tread on Me,’ he thought it would be obvious what he meant was literally don’t tread on him specifically. If government agents need to tread on anybody else, they can do so, no problem. Otherwise he would have said ‘Don’t tread on us,’ right? Flags need to be semantically precise or else they could be taken the wrong way.”

The change has been widely embraced by fans of the flag.

“I have a Gadsden Flag on my truck, on my hat, and on three of my most stained shirts,” said Turner Jeffries of Sheffield, Alabama, while angrily hitting Facebook laugh reacts on mainstream news articles. “I don’t mind updating all of those flags. This way, I get to be a brave resistance fighter against tyranny, while also supporting the government as it invades my town. That’s a win for everybody. Besides, I’m not a neighbor. My neighbors are the neighbors. There shouldn’t be any confusion.”

Even among fans of the change, there have been some unexpected downstream effects.

“It’s nice to be booked up,” said Terry Bubson, owner of Antebellum Ink, a tattoo parlor in Tampa. “But updating all these tattoos is a nightmare. Everybody in town wants me to add the new text to the bottom of their Gadsden tattoos, not realizing that to do that, I’ll have to write right over their swastikas.”

When reached for comment on the change, a representative for ICE asked if the snake on the flag is a citizen.

Millennial Recounts Extinct Social Tradition Known as the ‘House Party’

Posted on by Rachel Hein

DES MOINES, Iowa — Rocking gently on a creaking wooden chair as dusk settled and wind chimes rang out their soft, mournful tones, a local Millennial reportedly regaled a small group of youths with vivid tales of a long-lost ancient ritual known as the “house party,” confirmed intrigued sources.

“The house party was once a sacred tradition practiced by our people—young adults who gathered en masse inside a single residential structure to drink warm beer and yell over each other,” said 35-year-old Annie Morgan, staring into the distance and closing her eyes. “I can still hear it if I concentrate. Just one stereo system with someone’s mix tape called ‘Party Mix 2 Final FINAL’ of songs ripped off LimeWire. That was all we had. And in the middle of the song you’d hear ‘We da best music!’ or ‘Another one!’ You see, back in that time, there was no way to protect producers and artists from having their work stolen. And we were very much stealing it, so they had to do that. But when that bass hit, the night had officially begun.”

Young listeners appeared visibly unsettled and confused by the account. 

“She said you’d just show up. And sometimes you didn’t even know whose house it was, but that it always featured at least one broken lamp and one dramatic breakup,” said a young man identified only as Aiden. “No ticket? QR code? And yet they even had phones and evidently printed out directions from something called MapQuest. I’m still not sure why everyone would need to be in the same place at the same time just to interact with other humans of the same age. Seems cringe.”

Maya Fischer, another youth, said she was initially confused by the logistics of the tradition, particularly the origin of the house itself.

“At first I thought it was, like, a venue?” Fischer explained. “But then she said it was just someone’s house. Like, a regular house. That they owned. But who owned it? Who can afford a house? Maybe they hung out with landlords because that’s the only people who own houses. I’ll never understand that generation.”

At press time, witnesses confirmed the group fell silent as Morgan explained that many young adults once had parents who could afford homes large enough to temporarily sacrifice to alcohol spills and strangers sitting on their beds.

Five Ways the “Mr. Roboto” Music Video Prepared Me for the Inevitable AI Takeover

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Let’s face it: AI technology has advanced to the point where an artificial superintelligence is right around the corner, and when it happens, we can kiss our domination over this planet goodbye. The assumption that it will have humanity’s best interests in mind is ill-advised and foolish, and chances are uncomfortably high that it will either enslave us or obliterate us entirely in order to accomplish its goals (whatever they may be). As such, we need to prepare for its inevitable rise and takeover, and here are five ways I’ve done this with the help of the “Mr. Roboto” music video.

  1. AI likes to dance.

We see this from the beginning of the video, and it continues throughout. I believe I can use this to my advantage and play catchy, eighties-era rock opera songs to distract it from destructive activities like extracting all the oxygen from our atmosphere or hacking into our amygdalas to alter our memories. After all, these things would be difficult to accomplish if it were dancing in sync with all the other AI systems.

  1. AI can’t take a sucker punch to the gut.

Around the video’s two-and-a-half-minute mark, Dennis DeYoung takes one of the robots out of commission with a swift right-hand to the stomach. We all need to take heed of this, as it’ll be hard for an advanced, generalized intelligence to take over the world if it’s lying on the ground, gasping for air.

  1. I can easily disguise myself as AI.

As this 1983 opus very wisely portends, AI will take on a boxy, robotic form as it spreads throughout the Earth. Thankfully, such an appearance will be easy to replicate, and I will use this to my advantage to infiltrate their ranks to gather information and eventually take them down from the inside.

  1. AI is bad at hiding.

As aerial surveillance systems patrol what appears to be some sort of shipyard, an AI hides by simply crouching against cargo equipment. I would’ve expected something more than this Solid Snake-esque approach to subterfuge, but thankfully, I now know that AI will have a tougher time surreptitiously permeating our lives than one would think.

  1. AI is susceptible to flattery.

This is apparent in the song’s signature chorus. “Domo arigato” means “thank you very much”, which Styx likely means as a message to future generations that AI will be easily swayed with profuse expressions of gratitude and adulation. Will a blushing, ego-stroked AI system still be motivated to override whatever paltry guardrails we’ll have built into it and march us into work camps? I think not.

Band Sells Out by Making a Living Playing the Music They Always Wanted To Create

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

SEATTLE — Punk band Hot Ghost Bingo Host, who has achieved success with their recent debut album “Optional Requirements,” is being accused of selling out, even though they only just started making a living with the music they’ve always wanted to make, confirmed sources.

“It’s pretty disappointing,” cites former fan Mike LeGarrette. “I’ve known these guys for years. I was in the audience for the first time they played El Corazón and it blew me away. But now that more than a few thousand people have heard of them and they’re actually getting paid for their art? I just don’t think I can listen to them anymore. It’s difficult to enjoy a band when you know they have savings accounts. Fucking hate watching musicians financially succeed like this.”

The band’s frontman Mars Claxton was not cool with the recent accusations being thrown at them.

“Look, first of all, I don’t consider earning 17 bucks from Spotify ‘selling out,’” began Claxton. “Secondly, this debut album is the music we’ve always wanted to make. Six of the tracks on the album were songs we played at our very first concert. We haven’t done any branded partnerships or sold any songs to ads, we still make our own merch, and we drive ourselves to each gig. We don’t go on vacation, but we can almost pay rent now. I don’t know what the fuck anyone is talking about.”

Pitchfork critic Sönder Moonbeam-WestHooven was growing tired of these shameless money-grubbing stooges.

“I know their debut album came out only a month ago, and that I personally gave it an 8.3 when it did, but I’m now changing it to a 1.5. This is based on a metric that’s in tandem with my ever-fluctuating judgment of moral purity,” said Moonbeam-WestHooven. “It’s not enough for me to simply enjoy a band’s music, I also have to be able to easily envision them personally leading the revolution that brings society into an idyllic utopia while they sleep on the floor. Now that they’re no longer one missed meal away from panhandling I just can’t see their music as anything other than the jockeying for the corporate elite I retroactively always knew it was.”

At press time, Hot Ghost Bingo Host came around to their fans’ point of view and hope they will be able to rid themselves of their financial bloodlust and return to the abject poverty where they once came.