“Enter Sandman” Voted Best Metallica Song by Random Drunk Dipshits at the Bar

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — A recent poll among the nation’s random drunk dipshits at the bar have declared 1991’s “Enter Sandman” the best song by thrash metal band Metallica, exasperated sources report.

“Oh hell yeah! Derrrrr der DER DER DER!” drunk shithead Carl Saunder exclaimed mid-air guitar. “Metallica’s the best band there is, brother! There’s nothing better than pounding six or seven Miller Lites and hearing ‘Enter Sandman’ blasting on the jukebox. They just don’t make music like that anymore, man. Today’s metal is just nothing but screaming, which I hate because you can’t tell what they’re even saying. I love listening to the classic metal bands, like Metallica, Guns N’ Roses, and Aerosmith. That’s where it’s at. I know when a guy wearing a metal shirt walks into a bar I’m in, he’s just dying for me to come up to him and start singing the chorus to ‘Enter Sandman.’”

Metalhead Darren Bednar was not surprised at the poll’s result.

“Ugh, as if I didn’t know that already,” Bednar sighed. “The other day I was wearing a Witch Vomit shirt when I went to the bar with some friends, and some inebriated dickhead started talking to me about how Metallica’s 1991 self-titled LP is the best metal album of all time. Look, I love Metallica as much as every other metalhead. They were the band that got me into metal, so I’m happy to headbang to ‘Disposable Heroes’ or ‘Motorbreath’ with some drunk strangers. I’m just not big on their post-’…And Justice For All’ albums, and I’ve most definitely heard ‘Enter Sandman’ enough to last a dozen lifetimes.”

Music expert Candace Downing weighed in on the situation.

“Diehard metalheads put up with situations like this every time they venture out in band merch,” Downing explained. “Having some idiot aggressively humming a Def Leppard song at them because they wore a Cerebral Rot shirt into a bar is unbelievably commonplace, and it isn’t specific to metal. Every bar is filled with intoxicated assholes, and they’re concurrently uninformed and extremely outspoken about every music genre. I promise that these people learned everything they know about metal by watching VH1, so of course they think ‘Enter Sandman’ is the best Metallica song. It’s best for metalheads to avoid making eye contact with these people so as to preclude any interaction.”

At press time, the same drunk dipshits had voted “Sweating Bullets” best Megadeth song.

Help! My MAGA Relatives Are So Red Pilled They Think I like the Democrats

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

It’s hardly controversial to suggest that MAGA has wreaked havoc on American families. 

The Clown from Queens and his propaganda machine have warped the arcs of many lives: Boomer parents have gone braindead from swearing allegiance to the charlatans on Fox News; brothers-in-law have seceded from reality, joining the ranks of Neo-Confederate nincompoops; once affable cousins have become as insufferable as the talking points they parrot from podcasts hosted by fascist dilettantes. 

No matter the particulars of your family dynamics, enduring the galling ignorance of your MAGA relatives has probably forced you to seek higher ground or risk drowning in tsunami waves of their rhetorical rat piss.

Even celebrating Christmas or family birthdays with the “red-pilled” is like being a blind eunuch at a fat camp orgy: everything you hear is confusing and disturbing, and for you, at least, there is no pleasure.

Like many of my fellow citizens, I get creative to steer banal small talk with the Trump-voters in my life away from anything remotely related to birth rates, tax rates, Kid Rock, or raw milk. Oh, or basic human rights and dignity. 

I would, of course, be lying if I said I can recall the last time I enjoyed the company of my Uncle Kurt and cousin Judson—the main MAGA-morons in my life. But to their credit, somewhere along the way, we reached a workable unspoken agreement: they don’t talk to me about election fraud or beef tallow, and I don’t talk to them about anything.

But in recent months, things have taken a shocking turn: Cousin Judson and Uncle Kurt are now so brainwashed by MAGA dumbfuckery that they presume my rejection of their retrograde politics means I like the Democrats! 

I’ve got better things to do than bicker with bootlickers, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let even the most delusional of fools believe I respect Chuck Schumer! 

At my nephew’s 1st birthday party, cousin Judson badgered me, presuming I’d read Kamala Harris’s memoir. And before I could even tell him that I’d likely find Kamala’s screed almost as stupid and self-serving as tweets by Laura Loomer, he started blathering on about his begrudging soft spot for James Carville!  

Then Uncle Kurt texted me a link to the Gavin Newsom podcast where he got chummy with Steve Bannon, along with the message, “Our guys had a spirited debate!” 

“Our guys!?” 

I suppose I may be forced to vomit in my mouth and vote for Gruesome Newsom if America’s predictably preposterous political landscape makes him the candidate facing off with JD Vance in 2028, but he’ll never be “my guy!” 

It’s easy to forcefully reject the willful ignorance and gleeful cruelty that delight the loathsome losers of MAGA. But I must confess: I’m at a loss about what to do when they insult me by assuming I care if the Epstein files detail the criminal perversions of Democrats like Bill Clinton.

Fuck—Judson just texted again, and he thinks I watch “The View!”

Pathetic Loser Thinks Son is His Best Friend

Posted on by Doug Kolic

STILLWATER, Okla. — A pathetic local loser believes that he and his 11-year-old son are best friends, according to nearby sources debating who should break the news to him.

“It’s so cool to have a kid and best bud all in one!” stated 42-year-old Jonah Clarke. “It’s a great feeling when I come home from another long day at the office, where nobody seems to get me, to find my number one bro Dawson waiting for me. Sure, lately he’s been spending a lot of time locked in his room online with his friends. But I assure you, as soon as D-Dog knows I’m home, he eventually comes down and greets me with a badass ‘hey’ before we bro the fuck out the rest of the evening, or until he finishes plating his dinner and retreats back to his room to play Fortnite.”

The pitiful man’s son, Dawson Clarke, explained their tight bond.

“To be honest, I don’t actually know too much about the guy because he’s always wanting to hear about my world,” said the sixth-grade student. “Whenever I used to ask about his day he’d quickly change the subject after insisting that nobody understands him like I do. I just hope he doesn’t drag me to Take Your Kid to Work Day again this year. The last time he did, he tried showing off the ‘best’ spots in the building to chill out, but by ‘chill out,’ I’m pretty sure he meant ‘cry.’ He does a lot of that.”

Psychologist Tina Klein explained that parents often have a misguided perception of how close they are to their children.

“Today’s modern parents are a bit out of touch,” said Klein. “They expect their kids to respect and listen to them, but at the same time spend too much time trying to be their pals. I mean, c’mon, how much of a dweeb are you to be besties with your kids? If you raise your kids right like I did, you’ll want to take a step back and emotionally withdraw once they get old enough to change their own diapers. Trust me, they’ll appreciate the life lessons you just taught them.”

At press time, Mr. Clarke was offering to buy his son anything he wanted in exchange for posing with him for a selfie, which he planned to use as his work email profile picture.

Still Got It! Surviving Members of “Rumours” Era Fleetwood Mac Lineup Announce Plans for 50th Anniversary Orgy

Posted on by Kyle Donley

The Rumours are true! In anticipation of the 50th anniversary of their career-defining album, Fleetwood Mac are reuniting once more to fuck the shit out of each other for three magical nights at Madison Square Garden in the summer of 2027.

Indeed, the famously acrimonious rock band has agreed, in principle, to put their differences aside to fuck and suck each other dry for the sake of their fans and their legacy. And what better place to do it than the former capital of live sex, Midtown Manhattan!  While it is still unclear if any actual music will be played during the three-night stand, sold-out crowds should at the very least expect to hear the bacchanalian noises of writhing, saggy flesh rhythmically slapping against each other to a chorus of orgasmic slurps and burps. According to recent press materials, genitals will be mic’ed and all participants will have GoPro cameras affixed to their heads to enhance the Jumbotron experience.  

The core group of Mick Fleetwood, Stevie Nicks, and Lindsey Buckingham are currently the only known participants in the orgy, but promoters have hinted at a star-studded line-up of special guests to help spice things up. While nothing has been confirmed as of yet, Harry Styles, a frequent “Landslide” duet partner of Stevie’s, is rumored to be dueting on a double penetration with Jackson Browne, while Mia Khalifa has recently been spotted eating Mick Fleetwood’s asshole on a soundstage in Studio City. 

However, longtime fans may be most excited to see Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham exploring each other’s holes again. After his ouster in 2018, the estranged singer-guitarist is finally back in the fold, quite literally this time! Never one to rest on his laurels, he’s already announced a 30-city solo tour in the run-up to the 50th anniversary orgy, where fans can expect a more stripped-down, intimate performance of Lindsey jerking off on a stool.

The untimely passing of John and Christine McVie has undoubtedly left a devastating void in the orgiastic dynamic of the band. Fully nude, 69ing holograms of the McVies have been planned for a beautiful in memoriam segment of the show, but some investors have expressed concern, even with the addition of special guests, that the orgy may at times resemble more of a “Chinese Finger Cuffs” situation than a traditional Lemon Party. 

Regardless of how the shows ultimately cum together, one thing is true — the music will live on forever. Wait no, the fucking will live on forever. Yeah.

RFK Jr. Proposes Ban on Medication That Prevents Psychobilly Freakouts

Posted on by Bill Conway

WASHINGTON — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. once again caused confusion in the scientific community after proposing a ban on a popular medication that prevents psychobilly freakouts, sources confirmed.

“This medication has been around since the ‘90s, and while it has drastically reduced the amount of psychobilly freakouts, we also need to consider the unintended side effects. Since its widespread adoption, we have seen a drastic rise in boring rock and roll bands like Vampire Weekend,” said Kennedy while feeding a parasitic wasp that nested in his neck. “There is also strong research showing that psychobilly freakouts are just natural expressions from musicians playing Gretsch brand guitars and those cool stand-up bass guitars. But this medication has transformed a generation of those innovative musicians into zombies who want to sound like The Strokes.” 

Leading scientist Claude DeLarge disputes all of Kennedy’s assertions. 

“With all due respect, Secretary Kennedy was not in the psychobilly scene in the ‘90s so he has no idea what he is talking about. I saw musicians who had been playing their guitars so fast during a freakout that they wore their fingers down to puny little nubs,” said DeLarge. “These men would then run the combs through their hair so fast they would nearly scalp themselves. There was a particularly bad strain of psychobilly freakouts in Texas that spread through a remote community of hot rod enthusiasts. People were cutting off the sleeves of their t-shirts while they were still wearing them and nicking arteries, at least eight people died.”

Psychobilly pioneer James Heath, known by his stage name Reverend Horton Heat, says this medication saved his life.

“I saw a lot of cats dance with the Devil, and brother, some of them juked and jived all the way down to the seventh circle of Hell. I’ll tell you, if my main squeeze didn’t get me my Horton’s little helper pills then I’d be down there with them,” said Heath from the backseat of his 1973 Ford Galaxie 500. “I was having at least a dozen psychobilly freakouts a day at my lowest point. I’d play guitar solos for hours on end until all my strings broke or my guitar caught on fire. Those were scary times, and we shouldn’t go back.”

Following the public outcry on the medication ban, Secretary Kennedy walked back his proposal and then claimed that wearing seatbelts is one of the leading causes of autism.

Opinion: If We Ban Automatic Weapons, What Will My Family Pose with on Our Christmas Cards?

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If there’s one thing we need more than ever this holiday season, it’s peace on earth. And there’s no better way to achieve that than our constitutional right of unfettered access to guns. Nobody loves Christmas, America, and automatic rifles more than my family. Frankly, the more the merrier. However, the debate over gun control and access to machine guns has threatened to disrupt a family holiday tradition, and I think we all need to take a step back and focus on the main issue.

I mean if we ban automatic weapons now, what will my family and I pose with on our Christmas cards?

You assholes were dragging me on the internet last December when our “Ho Ho Ho-ver Our Dead Bodies” greeting card went viral after my libtard sister-in-law plastered it all over TikTok. What’s so offensive about a Christmas card with a picture of my family with a few dozen guns and a rocket launcher?

I love these guns like they’re family, and if you expect me to disown my exorbitant cache of weaponry for Christmas then you’re fucking crazy. And people think gunmen mowing down children are the heartless ones! How would I explain to my daughter, when I permit her to speak, that the woke mob won’t let her pose with her Trump bible and extended mag 9mm?

We are talking about a slippery slope here. If we start limiting what guns we can buy and model, what’s next, banning Christmas trees? Outlawing candy canes? Mandating we all have black Santas and forcing us to acknowledge Hanukkah? All we’ll have left is some lame ass photo of us all hugging in the snow like a bunch of soy-eating, Biden-loving hippies. I feel sick just thinking about it.

I know the left has been more than happy to demonize my white, Christian, Second Amendment-loving family as if we were some kind of terrorist cell. But they’ve never experienced the magic of running down the stairs and finding a gun that can shoot 400 rounds per minute underneath Jesus in the manger, the cold steel in their hands, feeling like a vengeful God. That’s what Christmas is all about, baby.

I could always send out cards of my wife and daughter bound and gagged while I hold up a sign reading “Finally, a silent night”, but apparently you’re not supposed to do that anymore either!

Trump Awarded Hormel Peace Prize 

Posted on by Matt Husser

AUSTIN, MN — The Hormel Corporation has announced today it will be awarding its coveted Hormel Peace Prize to President Donald Trump.

“The Hormel Committee is thrilled to announce that we are awarding President Donald Trump with the Hormel Peace Prize for his dedication to ham-based diplomacy and contributions to the peaceful advancement of processed foods worldwide,” said Hormel Prize Committee Chairman Bob Lawson, presenting the President with a golden Spam medal. “Today, we honor a great man who single-handedly ended a decades-long conflict between Somalia and New Zealand with a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew and a pen knife. Only a true visionary like the President would be cunning enough to broker peace in the Middle East over a honey-baked ham feast. Without the President’s dedication and commitment to spreading Spamocracy to undeveloped nations, the world surely would have descended into a woke vegan hellhole decades ago. His dedication to peace is as real* as our ingredients.”

Upon hearing the news, President Trump hung up on Ukrainian President Zelenskyy and quickly called an emergency press conference to accept the award.

“The fine folks at Hormel gave me this beautiful Peace Prize, isn’t it wonderful folks? They said if any other person had eaten the amount of processed meat in their lifetime as I have, they’d have died long ago. Still, the doctors said my heart is rock hard and bigger than any heart they’ve ever seen,” said President Trump, quickly snatching the trophy from Lawson, as well as several shiny objects nearby. “You know I singlehandedly ended the Cola Wars in the ‘80s, but did I get anything to show for it? I think if the ungrateful folks at Pepsi want to keep making their little soft drinks without a problem, maybe they should consider giving me a prize too.”

Fox News host Bret Baier broke the historic news to millions of viewers nationwide.

“Not since Ronald Reagan won the ‘Jelly Belly d’Or’ has a President brought such a prestigious award to the White House. If there was ever a doubt about President Trump being the greatest leader in the history of the world, today’s Hormel Peace Prize award officially cemented his legacy,” said Baier, wiping a tear from his eye. “Show me a list of world leaders who have won a Hormel Peace Prize? I’ll wait. And this isn’t some foreign socialist prize they give away to any French homosexual in a labcoat, this is a homegrown honor bestowed by one of the most highly respected institutes in America, the Hormel Corporation.”

At press time, President Trump was shaking down the Quaker Oats Company for a solid gold Cap’n Crunch hat.

Ted Sarandos Seen Wearing “If You See the FCC Investigating Anti-Competitive Acquisition, Warn a Brother” T-Shirt

Posted on by Garry Kerls

LOS ANGELES — After coming out victorious in the multi-billion dollar bidding war to acquire Warner Bros., Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos was seen leaving the negotiations sporting a boardwalk-style graphic tee reading, “If You See The FCC Investigating Anti-Competitive Acquisition, Warn a Brother,” our sources confirm. “This old thing? Just something I found in the closet, I just dropped a band on the Looney Tunes company, so I thought I’d show my appreciation and excitement,” said the Netflix CEO as he lit up a cigar and answered questions while waiting for a Waymo. “Get ready for Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, DC, and Wizard of Oz spin-offs, amusement parks, and crossovers. I’m thinking maybe Eleven from Stranger Things joins the Scooby Doo gang, or what about Mindhunter season 3 revolving around catching Pennywise? The possibilities are endless! They just won’t be in theaters, ever again.” At press time, Sarandos laughed uncontrollably until his ride arrived when asked about the ethical and logistical aspects of consolidating the multi-media entertainment enterprises. 

Oof, That Didn’t Age Well: Five Episodes of “Full House” Where Aunt Becky Offers to Get D.J. Admitted to USC by Bribing the School with $500,000 to Have Her Accepted as a Fake Rowing Recruit

Posted on by Steve Packosky

If you’re of millennial age, chances are pretty high that you grew up watching the heavily syndicated sitcom “Full House”. This saccharine comedy-drama was filled with family-friendly lessons about love, doing the right thing, and that’s basically it. It constantly pervaded every living room in the country for eight years before mercifully going off the air.

Upon revisiting this series, we noticed some scenes that definitely did not age well, given actress Lori Loughlin’s 2020 conviction and prison sentence for her connection with a college admissions bribery scandal. As such, here are five episodes where Aunt Becky offers to get D.J. admitted to USC by bribing the school with $500,000 to have her accepted as a fake rowing recruit.

  1. Season 2 Episode 2: “Tanner vs. Gibbler”

You likely remember this episode as the one where D.J. throws a surprise birthday party for her best friend Kimmy, only to have Kimmy walk out after showing up with her cool, older friends. You may have forgotten, however, Aunt Becky’s offer to have D.J. feel better by having her friends’ parents pool together their money to amass half a million dollars for a bribe to eventually get D.J. into USC. Pretty shocking given that this was Aunt Becky’s first appearance on the show.

  1. Season 3 Episode 2: “Back to School Blues”

It’s the first day of junior high for D.J., and she is not having a good time. From being separated from Kimmy to eating lunch alone in a phone booth after being laughed at by the entire cafeteria, today is an absolute disaster. What certainly doesn’t help, though, is Aunt Becky’s insistence that D.J. overcome this by telling everybody she’s a highly sought-after crew member in anticipation of future college recruitment. Ease up a little, Aunt Becky, she’s only in seventh grade!

  1. Season 3 Episode 21: “Just Say No Way”

Uh oh, D.J. got caught with beer at the school dance, and there’s no convincing Uncle Jesse that she was just holding a can brought by her date Kevin and his shitty friends. She’s in big trouble, and Aunt Becky is only making matters worse by telling her it’s OK if this keeps her from being accepted into a good school, because she’s got a plan to bribe the admissions department at USC when it’s time to send out applications. Come on, Aunt Becky, you’re only giving the green light for D.J. to slack off and misbehave!

  1. Season 7 Episode 17: “The Last Dance”

Ugh, D.J.’s great-grandfather Papouli JUST died, and Aunt Becky is callously talking about her contact who can facilitate a “side-door” admission into USC with a weighty bribe while everyone else is standing around the kitchen table crying. A little tact would be the least she could have shown here, but sadly, she’s as lacking in that as she is in basic human empathy.

  1. Season 8 Episode 9: “Stephanie’s Wild Ride”

OK, this one’s not just on Aunt Becky. After the family finds out that Stephanie’s friend Gia is in the hospital from a car wreck, Danny, Jesse and Joey immediately join Aunt Becky in compiling fabricated documentation of D.J.’s elite rowing career to send to USC along with her application, without so much as a passing glance at Stephanie to see how she’s dealing with the news. We’ve heard of middle child syndrome, but this is ridiculous!

Keith Richards Cancelled Over Controversial Relationship in 1890s

Posted on by Henrik Persson

WESTON, Conn. — Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is reportedly cancelled after fans discovered his controversial relationship with an underage teenager back in the late 19th century, sources confirmed. 

“Henri? Oh, she was a gal, a real gal. Real looker. Lovely boat race, d’you know what I mean?” Richards said incomprehensibly while smoking two cigarettes at once. “Sure, she was only 14 back then, but I assure you she looked 16. That’s legal, right? She’s also been long dead after she passed away of old age at 36. It’s not like she was 12 or anything. That would’ve been creepy. My biggest regrets were people finding out about this relationship with an 8th grader and recording ‘Satanic Majesties.’ A relatively unblemished track record for a guy whose career spans 140 years.”

Rolling Stones publicist Jamal Simpson defended the seemingly immortal guitarist.  

“Keith Richards makes no apologies for being legally married to a child,” said Simpson. “He even wrote a song about her once. Furthermore, there is zero evidence that Keith was anything but a good husband and a productive member of society during the Chester A. Arthur administration. In fact, if you go to the town archives, you can see photos of Keith and a group of locals, in the process of repairing the local church that was damaged in a fire. And in the background, you can see Willie Nelson playing the banjo.”

Some believe these sorts of relationships were commonplace for classic rock musicians throughout the 1800s. 

“The marriage was legal back then. But I can see why it’s not a good look today,” said rock journalist Brianna Yates. “But dating very young girls has always been a thing with rock stars—they lose their moral compass whenever they see middle school students. And to be fair, Mick Jagger also went hog wild with relationships back in those days too, like his brief stints with Susan B. Anthony and Florence Nightengale. They were all doing it.”

At press time, Richards was seen attending the COP climate conference in Brazil to give a keynote on how he endured the last ice age.