Trump Is Boasting About an Alleged Land Strike in Venezuela — Here’s Why He Is Still a Pedophile

Posted on by Dan Rice

Yesterday, the White House confirmed its 30th strike on alleged Venezuelan drug boats, this time claiming to have struck a port facility, marking the first land attack in the escalating conflict. Trump, who maintains the attacks are targeting illegal drug shipment operations, offering such damnign evidence as “Trust us,” and “Shut the fuck up and trust us,” boasts the port facility drone strike as a huge victory. Many experts, however, are less enthusiastic about the situation. According to a major independent think tank, even if the Venezuelan targets are a confirmed drug trafficking operation (they are not), and even if the legality of the strikes holds water (it doesn’t), Trump is still a massive pedophile and confirmed rapist. 

Here’s what we know: 

Bombing foreign boats with no confirmed evidence of wrongdoing does not un-fuck children

Every known analysis shows that the number of minors you have had sex with does not decrease, no matter how many drone strikes you carry out. At the end of the day, it’s not about how many boats you have blown up; it’s about the fact that you have definitely had sex with children. Even the MQ-9 Reaper, a state-of-the-art hexacopter touting a massive payload and long-duration surveillance capability, lacks the technology to undo any child fucking the President may have, and in fact did participate in.

A regime change in Venezuela will not erase Trump’s relationship with sex trafficker Jefferey Epstein

It’s an open secret that Trump’s real goal here is to oust Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, a known dictator who just so happens to be sitting on some significant oil and rare earth mineral reserves. It is, however, also an open secret that Donald Trump bonded with Jefferey Epstein over their shared love of coercing sex from women under the age of 18. Trump himself has called this a “Wonderful secret.” 

It is unlikely that the Epstein files were heavily redacted in order to stop the flow of fentanyl to the U.S. or bring democracy to Venezuela 

What is far more likely, according to experts, is that the files have been redacted in order to reduce the amount of evidence that the President of the United States and many of his powerful associates were once involved in an illegal pedophile sex ring.

The President boasted, under oath, that one of his victims enjoyed being raped

According to geo-political experts, that’s a thing that happened, there’s video, we’ve all seen it, he said that and he’s the president, and that’s the reality we wake up to each and every goddamn day.

Airbnb Checkout Instructions Include Reupholstering, Drywall Repair

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

LOS ANGELES — Local tourist Daniela Harper was stunned to discover her Airbnb checkout instructions included what most would call full-scale construction work, sources confirmed.

“My partner and I were only in town for the long weekend. We found this bungalow in Venice that was so cute and reasonably priced and thought, why not?” said a bewildered Harper. “It wasn’t until we were getting ready to check out that we saw the instructions. They asked us to reupholster an old armchair, patch a hidden spot of drywall behind a picture frame, replace light fixtures, recaulk the bathtub, clean the gutters, tighten every loose door handle and hinge, repaint an accent wall, power-wash the patio, regrout the kitchen tiles, trim the hedges, and alphabetize the spice rack. There was even a note about aligning all the throw pillows by color gradient. I have to go back to work! I can’t possibly stay here until all of this is done.”

Host Jason Whitaker defended the instructions, insisting that “running an Airbnb is hard” and that he shouldn’t be expected to “do literally everything” himself.

“My parents bought me this house to teach me responsibility and how to run a business,” said Whitaker. “Eventually, my dad wants me to take over his real estate empire, and he said if I can’t exploit temporary renters on a weekend-to-week basis through an Airbnb, then how am I supposed to exploit tenants for years, slowly raising their rents and bleeding them dry? Well, guess what, Dad! Maybe I don’t want to run this Airbnb. It’s too hard. I shouldn’t have to do it all. I should have help, you know?”

Airbnb spokesman Kevin Torres confirmed the policy, emphasizing that the company encourages hosts to provide renters with “the full homeownership experience,” which may include routine maintenance and light renovations.

“At Airbnb, we strive to offer our guests the complete residential experience,” said Torres. “Renters gain access to properties in unique locations they might never otherwise visit. Living like a local means embracing the responsibilities that come with a home, including certain maintenance and renovation tasks. This is part of the comprehensive experience we provide. Our Maintenance and Renovation Experiences are thoughtfully priced to be accessible, and we strongly encourage guests to review all 40 pages of the terms and conditions before booking one of these offerings.”

At press time, Harper had reached the part of the checkout instructions that asked her to wax Whitaker’s 2025 Porsche 911.

How To Increase Your Income by Helping Those Teenagers Outside 7-Eleven Buy Beer

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

A lot of people these days like to sit around doing nothing and act surprised that they’re poor. They act like making a profit in this world is hopeless. I say that’s ridiculous. Opportunities are present everywhere. Yes, even at your local 7-Eleven. 

No, I don’t mean by buying lottery tickets, those are for chumps. I also don’t mean those video poker games now at every gas station because those are for chumps who like bright lights. The real opportunity is right outside the store, where you can find all your local high schoolers in need of someone to buy them beer.

Children between thirteen and twenty are the highest demographic with disposable income in this country. A smart investor would look at that data and figure out what they need, but don’t have immediate access to. Turns out you, a sad sack who has had no real contribution to society so far, have actually aged into a highly monetizable asset: being old. 

What, did you think your knowledge of thirty-year-old Simpsons quotes would get you this kind of money? Or your college degree in something now replaced by AI? Quit living in a fantasy and focus on the acne-faces who grew up on Minions who are in desperate need of getting drunk on their parents’ dime. 

This isn’t limited to one 7-Eleven or even just the franchise itself. Everywhere you look, you can find a teenager who would gladly ask you if this $20 is enough for you to get them a six-pack of PBR tall boys. Be sure to act impressed that they know what PBR is.  

With this kind of money going towards your retirement account, you’ll no longer have the fear of working well into your seventies. If you are really lucky, you can even drink with them in the alley. You can blow their mind with stories of what it was like being alive when the Iraq War was happening. Either way, your portfolio is guaranteed to increase through a simple life hack that only requires fifteen minutes of your time.

Remember, this does not have to be limited to beer. Be sure to ask your local kids if they are interested in trying cigarettes as well!

Jack White Bans Fans From Concerts

Posted on by Matt Kennedy

NASHVILLE — Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee Jack White officially banned fans from attending his concerts, citing a desire to “get rid of all the fucking bullshit and just play,” confirmed sources.

“We partnered with Fandr, a startup that provides attendees with giant plastic bags to place themselves — and any other Jack White fans they may be carrying — inside for the duration of the show,” said tour manager Lalo Medina. “Each bag includes a breathing hole, a feeding tube, and a bucket for any sanitary needs that may arise. Jack just doesn’t want the distraction of people enjoying his music. He’s never actually liked music. He prefers to focus on making it and believes people being actual fans is totally missing the plot.”

Despite the restrictions, many fans praised the new policy.

“It was the best Jack White show I’ve never seen,” said lifelong fan Ben Bradley, who spent more than three hours sealed in a Fandr bag at a show in Omaha. “At one point I was sucking on the feeding tube just imagining Jack absolutely shredding. Honestly? Way better than when I saw him for real. I truly locked in. It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t care that my excrement bucket fell and I was covered in urine and poo.”

Experts were quick to note that this sort of behavior was fairly common for famous musicians.

“This isn’t the first ban in rock and roll,” said rock historian Tony Ujifusa. “Mötley Crüe famously banned long hair from their 1989 summer tour, and Nelly Furtado once banned the selling and eating of frittatas at all early-2000s shows. Sure, The Grateful Dead allowed taping of their concerts but if they witnessed any gambling they would immediately stop the show and report all ticket holders to authorities. White’s ban is just part of the longstanding rock tradition of never doing what anyone tells you to do, while telling everyone else exactly what they can and can’t do.”

At press time, White and his team were reportedly working with members of Congress on a bill that would ban all concert attendance nationwide.

Hardcore Band Cites Different Band With Same Members as Major Influence

Posted on by Carson Kile

CHICAGO — Local hardcore outfit Deep Cuts listed Hawaiian Gut Punch, another band with the exact same members, as a major influence, sources confirmed. 

“It’s pretty common in the hardcore scene for members to band-hop or start new projects,” remarked Lillian Martin, the drummer for both bands. “There’s so much swapping around of people that sometimes you lose track of who’s playing with who these days. I actually completely forgot that I played in Hawaiian Gut Punch for years. It’s kind of a relief, I’ve been trying to rip off their snare tone for years, and I just remembered that I’m the one who tuned it. It’s also helped my dating life tremendously. When the guitarist and I started having relationship trouble in Deep Cuts, I remembered that I was still single in the other band. It can be really handy sometimes.”

Lead vocalist Vicky King doubled down on her enthusiasm for the redundant second band.

“They’re the only ones talking about shit that actually matters these days,” stated King, as she admired pictures of herself. “No other band, with the exception of my other band, has the same depth of thought behind their lyrics as they do. The fact that I also wrote those lyrics is a complete coincidence. Plus, fronting two bands is great for merch sales. We can set both of them up at one table so people can conveniently ignore two bands at once. It’s a win-win for everybody involved.”

Andre Rogers, self-proclaimed super fan of both bands, commented on the differences between the two.

“Clearly, one is melodic hardcore, and the other is hardcore with melodic elements,” whined Rogers, while using job applications as rolling papers. “I’m tired of people saying they’re the same band just because they have the same members except for the second guitarist. It’s like, just because it’s the same lineup, doesn’t mean the dynamic is unchanged. It’s like if the Ship of Theseus was completely rebuilt with the same parts again, and if those parts still lived in their parents’ basements. Between you and me though, Deep Cuts is slightly better in my opinion. They have more of a raw, unfinished edge to their sound that really — oh wait, that’s the other one. Never mind.”

At press time, the members of both bands were seen arguing with a show promoter for only paying them once after they “co-headlined.” 

We Completely Made up This Interview With Dave Mustaine Because We Didn’t Want To Talk to Him

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Alright, we can’t be blamed for this one. Would you be excited if you were assigned to conduct an interview with thrash metal’s most obnoxious frontman? Be honest here. This isn’t like the time we missed our Skype meeting with Iggy Pop because we were hungover. We’re honestly huge fans of Megadeth, and would be stoked to sit down with Dave Mustaine if he weren’t such a nightmare human. I figured it would be way easier to skip meeting the real him, and just interview “him.” So yeah, the below is a total fabrication. You can be as upset as you want; I don’t care. Just please, please don’t rat me out here. Try to put yourself in my position, okay? 

Hard Times: Hey Dave, it’s really nice to meet you!

Dave Mustaine: Likewise!

HT: So how’s life been? 

DM: We probably just finished putting out another bullshit album that’s way overproduced, and I’ve probably already fired everybody who played on it.

HT: Oh, cool. Yeah, we’re definitely not going to listen to it.

DM: That’s fair. I just threw it on the pile of albums we’ve made over the last three decades. I’m sure some people will like it, but I’m well aware that 95% of our fans haven’t cared about anything we’ve released since “Countdown to Extinction”, you know?

HT: Yeah, we definitely fall in that category, and even that’s a stretch. We tapped out after “Rust in Peace”, to be completely honest.

DM: That’s fair.

HT: “Rust in Peace” fucking rules though. So does everything you put out before it.

DM: Thanks! I appreciate that.

HT: While we’re on the subject of your older stuff, can you add some songs to your live sets from “Peace Sells” beyond just the title track? That album is a masterpiece, and we’d love to hear something like “My Last Words” live.

DM: That sounds like a great idea, but we likely won’t do it. We will primarily play new stuff that you don’t give a shit about, though, and continue to encore with “Peace Sells” if that interests you?

HT: It really doesn’t. 

DM: Sorry, man. Do you want to talk about religion or politics?

HT: With you? Absolutely fucking not. I think we’re done here.

There you have it. It may be completely fake, but at least I got to keep my job, so long as you’re cool and keep your mouth shut about this. In the meantime, would you have any interest in interviewing Michael Graves? Because we sure as shit don’t.

Couple Plans on Binge-Watching Shows Until Fascism Blows Over

Posted on by Tim Graham

UPPER MARLBORO, Md. — Wayne and Heidi Stevens intend to wait out the US’ burgeoning authoritarian regime by consuming an abundance of TV shows, according to sources within their Nextdoor network.

“We usually try to stay informed on current events, but I think we’re going to sit this one out,” said Mrs. Stevens while drawing the living room curtains. “Things are getting a little heavy out there, so we’re just going to hunker down with some great shows—preferably those with lots of seasons—and wait for the dust to settle. We’ve got every streaming service there is. Right now we have a list of about five years worth of programming to burn through. If the nastiness lasts longer than that, well, we can always force ourselves to like anime.”

Mr. Stevens says they’ll have to dig deep to find enough shows since they watched so many while riding out the last catastrophe.

“We binged a shitload of TV during covid. I know some people baked bread or learned a language or got in shape, but we just watched shows,” said Mr. Stevens. “We were watching so much TV that we had to Doordash Visine on more than one occasion. Now we’re more prepared—we’ve got several cases of eye drops and microwave popcorn in the garage. We went through all the major shows during that period: ‘The Sopranos,’ ‘Breaking Bad,’ ‘Mad Men,’ ‘Battlestar Galactica,’ ‘The Wire’…twice. So now we’re having to broaden our horizons. Looks like the ‘Yellowstone’ extended universe could carry us through a few months at least.”

Civil rights activist Alejandro Jiménez argues that it requires enormous privilege to be able go unnoticed during authoritarian crackdowns.

“Gee whiz, I sure hope that this boujee caucasian couple doesn’t get bored or run out of shows! That would be the real tragedy of all this,” said Jiménez. “Nevermind that people who look like me are being abducted off the street by masked paramilitary agents. We need to make sure upper middle class whites like the Stevens aren’t inconvenienced. My cousin just got kidnapped by ICE. I think he’s in a prison camp in Louisiana now. Or maybe El Salvador—who knows? That being said, they should totally check out La Casa de las Flores. Great show.”

At press time, the couple were reportedly excited to learn of “Trăsniții,” a Romanian sitcom with over 1,300 episodes.

Punk Cadaver Dog Keeping Skull 

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SELBYVILLE, Del. — A punk cadaver dog who was in the middle of searching for human remains from a historic cold case, reportedly found a victim’s skull and refused to give it back, according to frustrated sources. 

“You’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead paws,” stated four-year-old Rottie mix, Vandal. “A lot of my work involves locating and giving up skeleton remains, which as a dog programmed to chew bones, is kind of fucked up. When I came across that one skull something deep inside my canine DNA took over and it was definitely a case of ‘finders-keepers.’ I just don’t understand why the family insists on having it back for closure — I purposely left behind a few vertebrae for that very reason.” 

Vandal’s handler, Detective Curtis Kibble, explained how the dog’s action put the entire case in jeopardy.

“When Vandal found that skull, the entire team knew we had finally located the final victim of the dreaded ‘Cattle Prod Killer,’” Detective Kibble stated. “In retrospect, we shouldn’t have bragged to the media that we finally cracked the case before that damn dog ignored all my commands and hightailed it into the woods. He was grinning the entire time and at one point I swear it looked like he actually flipped me off. I’m two months from retirement, I don’t need this shit.”

Professor Kate Gibbons, expert in animal psychology, provided insight into what may have been going through Vandal’s scruffy little head.

“Dogs’ primal urges have been suppressed by generations of living indoors like other members of the family,” said Gibbons. “Where they used to enjoy the satisfaction of hunting for survival, they now just have to simply whine a few times before their owners provide them with food on a silver platter followed by a belly rub. But it’s all for the best, because if we knew the truth we wouldn’t be able to sleep, knowing that our furry best friends’ wouldn’t hesitate to tear apart our bodies and feast on our carcass if given the opportunity.” 

At press time, Vandal was seen back at the crime scene, trying to mount one of the forensic crime scene investigators.

This Conversation We Had With Ian Mackaye After We Rear-Ended Him in the Trader Joe’s Parking Lot Technically Counts as an Interview

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh, hell yeah! We landed an interview with one of the most legendary frontmen in all of hardcore, Ian MacKaye! Good thing our intern Nathan spotted him pulling his 1998 Ford Escort out of the Wisconsin Avenue Trader Joe’s while we were going to stock up on those bomb-ass Chili and Lime Rolled Tortilla Chips. 

Granted, we were a little hasty making our way over to him, but we certainly hope you enjoy the ensuing back-and-forth.

The Hard Times: Oh wow, Mr. MacKaye, it’s truly such an honor to meet you!

Ian MacKaye: Dude, what the fuck? You were going like 45 MPH in a goddamn parking lot. You’re going to get someone killed driving like that!

HT: It’s a well-known fact that you’re not really comfortable being seen as the founding father of the Straight Edge lifestyle, but can you at least admit that you started something way bigger than you could have ever imagined with just one song?

IM: What? Sorry, I was getting my insurance info out of my glove compartment. Why aren’t you doing the same thing?

HT: We were just wondering how you feel about single-handedly starting a movement that millions of people follow to this day.

IM: I have no interest in talking about that. I just want to exchange insurance information so I can go home to my family.

HT: Oh, we don’t have insurance. How do you feel about the direction hardcore music took after you had such an unmatched impact on the creation of it?

IM: You don’t have insurance?!

HT: OK, it’s time for the kicker. Which do you prefer: Minor Threat or Fugazi? You can be honest with us here.

IM: I can’t fucking believe this. I’m calling the police right now, and I wrote down your license plate in case you try to flee the scene.

HT: “Flee the scene” of an exclusive interview with a pioneer of the genre of music our magazine covers? Yeah right!

IM: Can’t you see I’m on the phone? Please be quiet.

HT: Oh shit, you’re calling the cops?

IM: Yes. Again, shut up.

HT: Oh, please don’t involve law enforcement in this interview. It looks like we have about $7 in quarters in our cupholder, as well as an Impossible Whopper that Nathan hasn’t unwrapped yet. Do you think that will cover the damages?

IM: Jesus Christ.

HT: Oh wait, he did unwrap it. But we swear he hasn’t bitten into it yet. Ian? Ian?

It was at this point that Ian completely ignored us until the cops came. We won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say this wasn’t how we envisioned the interview going. And that’s exactly what it was: an interview. You can’t prove otherwise. Also, feel free to join the Patreon if you can, because we really did a number on his rear bumper and need all the money we can get.

Fox News Says Laura Ingraham’s Dreams Count as Real Stories

Posted on by Mark Shady

NEW YORK — Conservative cable network Fox News revealed that host Laura Ingraham’s dreams now officially counted as real news stories, confirmed sources. 

“Over are the days when our affiliates can present a story based on what is happening at that very moment,” began Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott. “Some say the best journalism occurs during REM sleep. Do you realize how fast a story can spread when it is based on subconscious thought patterns? If Ronan Farrow can present news based on investigative reporting then we sure as shit can monitor Laura’s brain activity at three in the morning for some juicy headlines. And forget fact checking — it used to matter when concrete evidence was actually required for authenticity. But facts don’t care about your feelings and neither do Laura’s dreams.”

Ingraham appeared to have a lot of content to build off of. 

“I just knew my dream book would come in handy as a source for current events,” began Ingraham. “Look, I can’t help it if my dreams are so vivid that they are more newsworthy than anything the lame-stream media can conjure up! Last night, I had a dream where all of Adam Schiff’s teeth fell out in a gender-neutral bathroom while Gavin Newsome punched a baby in the face. Boom! News story. But, hey, watch tonight and see for yourself. That or you can switch over to NPR but I guarantee you, the only dream they’re trying to get you to buy is that the American dream is still achievable!”

Ex-commentator Bill O’Reilly of the now-defunct “O’Reilly Factor” beamed with delight knowing Fox was still on the bleeding edge of opinion news.

“Good for them!” exclaimed O’Reilly. “There’s not gonna be any dead-air time because her dreams are really detailed — like the one about when she and Tucker Carlson were married; they started gaining super powers as US citizens simultaneously lost their health care. That last part is actually real though. See? Sometimes her dreams are even a reality. I’m glad Fox is going back to this format. During my show, they said ‘gut feelings’ and ‘vibes’ counted as new stories.”

At press time, Fox News also revealed that they would start using AI slop images as “credible sources.”