Black Metal Musician Pledges Soul to Jesus Christ To Get Better at Guitar

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PORTLAND, Ore. — Black metal guitarist Caleb “Grimfeast” Rajdkowski pledged his eternal soul to Jesus Christ in a bargain to get better at his instrument, sources report.

“I consider Jesus Christ to be my mortal enemy,” Rajdkowski said. “However, I was all out of options when it came to improving my guitar skill. A lot of black metal is actually really difficult to play, and I’m just not that naturally talented. Have you ever actually looked up the tab to ‘Transilvanian Hunger’? You have to trem-pick two strings at the same time. That’s hard as fuck, and I’m not about to put in the time and effort to learn how to do it when I can just make whatever the opposite of a Faustian deal is to get better instantaneously. Now I’m ready to join a band, and all it cost me was having to bathe in the everlasting glory of the Almighty Father until the end of time.”

Rajdkowski’s friend Stan “Necrolust” Vargo was horrified by the news.

“I can’t believe Grimfeast did this,” Vargo lamented. “He’s only been playing guitar for like, two weeks, and he’s already resorted to giving his soul to the Crucified One? That’s such bullshit, dude. It really wouldn’t have taken him that much practice to learn how to play black metal guitar. I would have happily given him some lessons to help with his trem-picking, and he could easily just turn his distortion all the way up and only hit one string at a time. Now he and I aren’t even going to get to party together in Hell for eternity because of that one rash, stupid decision he made.”

Christian deity Jesus Christ reflected on the deal he had made with Rajdkowski.

“Fewer and fewer people are embracing Christianity these days, so I’ll take what I can get,” Christ admitted. “I’ve been appearing to more black metal musicians lately, because many of them are too lazy to put in the practice needed to improve their skills, and some of their music is surprisingly difficult. It’s actually kind of funny that so many fans of black metal completely renounce me while worshiping music made by people who have pledged their souls to me. How else do you think the drummers from 1349 and Emperor got so good?”

At press time, Rajdkowski was seen volunteering at a church that he had previously tried to set fire to.

Oh No! Worst Guy You Know Has Your Exact Taste in Music

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

Oh yikes and yikes again. In a shocking turn of events, just when you were riding high about to do some light doom scrolling, the beast has once again emerged from the woods to absolutely urethra chop your good mood. This time, the blow to your self-confidence comes in the form of that oh so familiar existential crisis: the worst guy you know has your exact taste in music.

Yeah that’s right, no way around it. That guy Shane that you know from your Ultimate Frisbee league — that’s right, that chode with the puffy Peter Lorre face who’s always creeping up behind the women on your team — just shared a story on Instagram of Nick Drake’s “Pink Moon” off the album of the same name, with the caption: “One of my favorite albums of all time.”

Isn’t that just peachy. That’s one of your favorite albums too. This sneaky little mongoose probably even has a story about how, oh yeah man, you know, man, it got me through a really hard time. Well, guess what, Shane, you haven’t seen a hard time until you’ve seen a man with gangly bird legs in short shorts trying to dominate the ultimate frisbee team, one errant gust of wind away from breaking out of his tidy-whities and turning the whole field into a biology class. 

It could be a coincidence, you know. Shane has major sad boy energy. Well, it’s more like… modern-day Kevin Spacey energy, but that’s really sad. Lots of sad boys like Nick Drake. But oh no. Oh God. He just shared a playlist where Nick Drake, The Decemberists, and Neko Case were the three most featured artists. He probably doesn’t even like Neko’s lyrics that much. A man who spends that much time awkwardly asserting himself into conversations and asking: “Oh, have you seen Marty Supreme yet? Best movie of the year IMHO. What’s that? Oh no, I didn’t see If I Had Legs, I’d Kick You. I know how it sounds, but I like a man’s touch behind the camera,” definitely doesn’t have enough media literacy to understand the gender rebellion of “Man.”

It’s over. It’s all over. He just posted an Iron and Wine song on his Instagram story with the caption: Guess it’s time for some rainy day tunes. You do that every time it rains. Oh God, it’s sandwiched right between posts about his all-white-male improv team. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, you do improv.

As if it couldn’t get any worse… you actually liked that story before you saw it was his. You’re doomed.

Steven Tyler Accidentally Cast in ‘The Muppet Show’ Revival

Posted on by Brian Wishart

LOS ANGELES — Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler is surprised that he is included in the cast announcement for the new “The Muppet Show” revival on Disney+, confirmed sources who just wanted to be signed on as a musical guest.

“The band never got to be on ‘The Muppet Show,’” said Tyler. “I always like those funny-looking dudes with their weird faces and crazy voices and wild ways of moving around. Kermit told me all the Muppets need to band together to save the theater. I tried telling him I was not a Muppet. He put his hand on my shoulder and sang a nice song called ‘No Muppet Left Behind’ and said that he would never exclude me from his family.”

The multitalented performer Miss Piggy says she speaks for all the Muppets when she says she’s excited for the “Dream On” singer to be joining the crew.

“Oh! I love Aerosmith,” said Miss Piggy. “Kermie got me to watch ‘Armageddon’ with him and I kept asking him if ‘I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing’ could be our song. That frog ran away. But now I have a true rock star who knows how to treat a lady on our show. Maybe if Kermit sees Steven Tyler holding me and swinging me around like a microphone stand he’ll realize what he’s been missing.”

The casting director for the new Muppet revival Scooter takes credit for getting Tyler on the show.

“I have all these headshots of Muppets so I just cast them all,” said Scooter. “The Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith at Disney World is changing into a Muppet-themed ride later this year. I assumed Disney was just doing a Muppet-to-Muppet transition and thought Steven was one of us. I’m a little overwhelmed getting this show together. Gonzo has blown up my laptop four times and Animal has destroyed the water heater twice. It is also incredibly rude to ask someone if they are a Muppet or not.”

At press time, Tyler is currently in three sketches including Pigs in Space and has turned down Miss Piggy three times when asked to sing a duet with her.

Mosh Pit Resolves Man’s Issues Quicker than Previous Six Years of Therapy

Posted on by Ben Friedman

TOMS RIVER, N.J. — Local punk Harrison Williams found himself experiencing a new sense of inner peace after fucking up everyone in the pit at a local show did more to improve his mental health than the last six years of going to therapy, sources have confirmed.

“Despite being in therapy for over half a decade I’ve been locked in a cycle of malaise and self-loathing, and I was at a point where I’d lost my passion for life. Somehow I worked up the mental energy to attend this basement show, and after 45 minutes of throwing hands in the pit all my generational trauma has evaporated. I feel like a completely new person, “said Williams. “Nothing puts life into perspective like slamming yourself into a stranger while another guy comes two inches from spin-kicking you in the neck. I can’t believe I wasted all that time in therapy when I could’ve worked out my issues crowd surfing and getting tossed around.”

Williams’ therapist had mixed feelings about his sudden breakthrough.

“I tried for years to get Harrison over his ex-girlfriend, imposter syndrome, and all the awkward childhood moments which haunt him and this is how he improves his well-being? I feel somewhat defeated that hundreds of hours of breathing exercises and journaling were completely overshadowed by an evening of shoving people around at Pissed Jeans show. Are those guys even licensed practitioners?” said Psychologist Miranda Kenner. “Don’t get me wrong, I want all my clients to arrive at a point where they no longer need my services. But Harry was my special project and I lost him to catching stray kicks to the head.”

The American Psychological Association already knew how effective moshing was for mental health.

“We’ve known for years that ‘hardcore therapy’ has been the quickest way to resolve numerous traumas, and if word gets out that all it takes to achieve mental equilibrium is dropping $15 to square up with other punks at local church basement shows, we’re all out of a job,” said representative Adam Chambers. “Many of us have tried to apply pit praxis to our sessions but had to stop after we kept getting put in the hospital. There’s nothing in the DSM about pit etiquette, unfortunately.”

As of press time, Williams’ mental health improved even further after the headliner’s lead singer dedicated the next song to the real motherfuckers who need to forgive themselves for their failures.

Opinion: Stop Calling My Online Friends Who Ask Me to Do Violent Things “Feds”

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

I want to preface this article by saying that I am not normally a very outspoken person. I try to keep to myself and not make waves. I work in data entry, and I spend most of my working hours indoors on my computer. I prefer for my social life to be the same. Most of my friends (and hypothetical lovers) are people I’ve met on the internet, and that suits me fine. That’s why I find it so egregious that more and more lately, I have had some real-world haters and nay-sayers telling me that my dear online friends are “feds” just because they keep asking me to do violent things.

It keeps happening, and I am sick, sick, sick of it. Now look, I will admit that my online friends, people whom I’ve met on chatrooms and in the comments section of Twitter, have become a little bit more riled lately. But come on, who hasn’t? The world is messed up right now. Protest is in the air. Bloodshed is on the wind. Slaughter is the order of the day. At least according to my friend Mike. 

And listen, you might be right in saying: “Oh, but you’re not normally a very political person.” Well, that’s true. But that’s only allowed me to better take in the thoughts and opinions of my extremely political online friends. And boy, do they have a lot to say. And some of it did make me scratch my head at first. But this is a free country, and just because my dear friend Jason, whom I’ve never met in person, told me that he’s dreaming of a million October Sevenths doesn’t mean that he’s inciting me to some sort of psychotic violence.

Some people will say that’s taking things a little too far. Some have even told me it sounds like a trap. But if that’s a trap, then you might as well look into my big titty E-Girl Amy, who told me to go down to the anti-ICE protests and grab a cop’s gun, and then she’d send me nudes. She’s not a bad influence. She’s just making sense. And hopefully sending nudes.

And I’ll admit that sometimes my online friends pressure me to “go out and take action into my own hands.” That doesn’t mean I’m gonna do it. Just because I’ve been a little erratic since I lost my office job, my wife left me, and I had to leave my house all in the same week, that doesn’t mean that I’m — as some have suggested — “a pawn for the CIA to entrap.” Sure, they sometimes say things that a year or two ago I would’ve found out of pocket. But I don’t see any real-life friends in my corner right now, so name a better option, loser.

Punk Couple Successfully Gets Baby Into Dive Bar by Dressing Her in Emotional Support Animal Vest

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — New mother Kelly Wazowski’s night out was saved at the last minute after successfully bringing their newborn child into their local dive after dressing it in an emotional support animal vest, bar patrons have confirmed.

“My husband and I have a standing date night at the neighborhood dive every Tuesday, infant daughter be damned. None of the bartenders would serve us with a three-month-old in tow until tonight, when we walked in with her decked in an emotional support animal vest I found in a box down the street. It’s a total game changer,” said Wazowski. “This vest is our golden ticket to bring her anywhere and our marriage is saved. Besides, she pisses and shits as much as those ratty, bug eyed support dogs so what’s the difference?”

The dive bar’s bouncer admitted his hands were technically tied.

“This is clearly bullshit, but last week I let in someone with their service iguana and it had the same vest on, so I didn’t want to look like a hypocrite. Even when I pushed back just a little within two seconds, she handed me some photocopied certificate for her ‘service baby’ and even then, it says it’s only valid in Bulgaria,” said door man Bruce Leonard. “I didn’t have the energy to go back and forth with her all night about ethics and mental health, but she better not change that kid’s diaper on the bar or the health inspector will shut us down again.”

Trainers condemned what they called a gross exploitation of what it means to be a service animal.

“An animal in a service vest is used to convey countless hours poured into becoming a disabled person’s lifeline. However, since you can buy these vests on fucking Amazon, thousands of people are walking into casinos and bars with any sentient creature, losing their shit when you call them out. And now we’re doing babies? Name one time a crying, helpless baby boosted anyone’s emotional well-being,” said Assistance Dogs International rep Debra Howard. “Sure, it might be nice to be able to bring your infant to all your favorite haunts now, but if she is still wearing that vest as a toddler and bites someone she’s getting hauled off to an animal shelter.”

As of press time, Wazowski argued with the bar owner that her daughter’s emotional support role entitled her to park her car across two handicap spots in the parking lot.

Report: RFK Jr. Consulted With Top Purina Scientists While Developing New Food Pyramid

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today revealed the revised food pyramid was developed with input from top scientists from the Purina pet food corporation, sources confirmed.

“Ensuring a nutritious diet is paramount to the health of our country, but the old pyramid turned us into a nation of pasta-maxxing fatties wearing t-shirts in the pool. That’s why I reached out to the fine folks at the Purina corporation for their help developing new protein-based food guidelines that will keep American bodies trim and coats shiny,” said Kennedy Jr., unveiling the new pyramid carved into a side of beef. “The foundation of the pyramid is 12 daily servings of raw meat and beef tallow, which you can supplement with green beans to help feel full while staying at a healthy weight, or a cup of boiled chicken and rice if your tummy hurts. Now we’re not saying that there isn’t room for little treats on the pyramid, as you’ll see the tip leaves room for the occasional raw hide chew or table scrap.”

Purina scientist Gerry Magelhaes, who served as lead on the pet food conglomerate’s partnership with the Trump Administration, lauded the rigorous scientific standards of the new guidelines.

“At the Purina corporation, we share Secretary Kennedy’s vision that every American should receive the proper nutrition required to support strong teeth, good joint health, and wet noses,” said Magelhaes, sampling a vial of grey animal slurry before scribbling down “needs more snouts.” “We know no two Americans are the same, so to help everyone get the nutrition they need we’ve developed new Purina Human Nutrition mixes for children, teens, adults, and even seniors. These convenient meal-replacement pellets can be enjoyed wet or dry, and are formulated to meet the needs of the different human breed standards laid out by DHS Advisor Stephen Miller.”

Health influencer Sterling Patterson commended the Health Department’s new nutrition directives.

“For decades the deep state has been recommending we eat garbage like onions and grapes that are actually poisonous to us, but finally we have a Health Secretary brave enough to stand up for the health of all Americans,” said Patterson during an episode of his podcast “Detox Daddy.” “Just today I caught my son eating a piece of chocolate, but luckily I was able to induce vomiting with 3% hydrogen peroxide solution before the situation was fatal. Thankfully it’s nothing that a dinner of fish oil and raw deer liver can’t fix.”

At press time, the Trump Administration announced the Presidential Physical Fitness test would now emphasize agility and bite strength with an obstacle course and tug of war event.

We Look Back on the “Armageddon” Soundtrack Because, Look, We Don’t Have To Justify Ourselves to You, Ok?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Look, sometimes we like to revisit old albums that don’t necessarily fall into the category of punk, and, you know what? It’s actually none of your fucking business why we write certain articles. We’re not trying to impress anyone, and we’re certainly not trying to gain your approval. So if you choose not to read this one, it’s no big deal to us. Honestly, we don’t care.

“Armageddon” was a 1998 science fiction disaster film with Bruce Willis and Liv Tyler. It was about an oil drilling team sent to land on an asteroid and blow it up with a nuclear weapon to save the planet. Oh, you didn’t enjoy it because it was cheesy and silly? Well, we liked it. Sorry, we’re not Roger Fucking Ebert like you apparently are. Jesus Christ, there’s no pleasing some people.

“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith is on this soundtrack, as well as the David Thoener remix of “Sweet Emotion”. We really enjoyed listening to these songs, and we suppose you have a problem with that, as well. We also are huge fans of Bob Seger, and this soundtrack has “Roll Me Away”, which is a classic jam that oil drillers probably love. Guess we’re just more attuned to the tastes of the working class than you are, you elitist prick. 

This Journey tune, “Remember Me”, is really catchy, too. We’d never heard it before we saw the movie, but it sounds like it could’ve been a justifiable hit for them had they been so inclined as to release it as a single. There’s also a song by Our Lady Peace on here. What, you don’t like them, either? You have some sort of issue with “Superman’s Dead?” Well, we’re not going to let you ruin our fun. There are plenty of other sites where you can get your punk news, you know. If you choose to exit out of this page, we won’t lose any sleep.

It’s in the Criterion Collection, okay?! What, that’s not good enough for you?!

Oh look, there’s another Aerosmith song on here. It’s a cover of The Beatles’ “Come Together”, and…oh no. Oh, sweet Jesus, this is bad. We’re so sorry. You were right. This is what we get for airing out our guilty pleasures to our readers. Please don’t stop reading our articles. We promise we’ll look back on “Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables” or something next.

Bullshit Twins Aren’t Even the Kind Who Spend Every Waking Moment Together

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DULUTH, Minn. — Systems analyst Guillermo Rodriguez aggravated his friends when he notified them that he had a twin brother who lived in another town, sources report.

“What the fuck?” questioned Rodriguez’s friend Anita Werner. “Guillermo has a twin brother and I’m just now learning about this? Why aren’t the two of them inseparable, sharing the same hobbies and using funny languages that they made up together? Did they never dress the same and walk everywhere side by side? I asked Guillermo if he has a sixth sense about how his brother is feeling, like if he was in an accident would Guillermo sense it, and he just gave me this look like I’m a total moron. I’m going to have to rethink everything I knew about twins, because this flies directly in the face of all of it.”

Rodriguez was quite shocked how his friends responded to the news.

“I love my brother, but I don’t really see the need to be around him all the time,” said Rodriguez. “People tend to assume that we go everywhere together and finish each other’s sentences just because we’re twins. I guess maybe we did when we were little, but we both grew up to be two completely different people, who haven’t seen each other in years. He liked to play basketball while I liked to sit at home and play Warhammer 40,000, and he ran with the popular crowd in high school while I was more bookish and introverted. We still keep in touch, obviously, but he’s doing his thing while I’m doing mine. It’s really no big deal.”

Sociologist Myrtle Watkins weighed in on the situation.

“Movies and television definitely give some people misguided views on how twins function,” Watkins said. “While there are many sets of twins out there who share the same friends, attend the same gatherings, and participate in the same activities, most of them are just normal people who happened to have been born at the same time as one of their siblings. It’s very rare that they’ll present themselves like Tia and Tamara Mowery did in ‘Sister, Sister’ or those weird ghost twins from ‘The Shining,’ which can be a bit of a shock to people whose only exposure to the concept of twins has been through mediums like these.”

At press time, Werner became even more irritated when Rodriguez told her his twin brother didn’t even look the exact same as him.

Gen X Man Never Able to Match Childhood High of Finding Stack of Pornos in Woods

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Local 48-year-old Matt Hull lamented the fact that he was never able to match the joy he felt as a teen finding a stack of pornographic magazines in the woods, sources close to the inconsolable man reported.

“I can’t believe my life peaked at 13,” stated Hull. “When I stumbled upon that sticky stack of Boobs n’ Butts after taking a shortcut home from school on October 10, 1991, I thought my future would be constantly filled with magical boner-inducing moments like that, but boy was I wrong. The jubilation of that childhood discovery has eluded me my entire life, and now I realize that I’ve never had nor will I ever experience that kind of pure, unadulterated happiness again. I feel so alone. Finding PornHub on my laptop just isn’t the same.”

A long-time friend of Hull’s chimed in with his take on the situation. 

“Matt’s full of shit, he’s not alone, the guy’s got a great wife and two cool kids,” said Dirk Thomas. “It’s very concerning that he continues to hold up on a pedestal that he found some smut in the forest once that he liked to jerk it to, instead of focusing on all the good things in his life like his family and friends. The fact that he still holds that one incident up so high in his mind tells me that it’s either a warning sign for bigger mental issues in his life, or he’s just a real sleazeball about finding dirt mags in the woods.”

Social Scientist Christopher LeRoy explained what was happening with Hull wasn’t unusual.

“Gen Xers often reminisce about fond memories from their childhoods and have trouble coping without them,” said LeRoy. “This demographic of people love reminiscing about all the things they had growing up, from finding smut unexpectedly in fields or abandoned homes, to having a soft spot for outdated technology like landlines and walkmans. It makes them feel relevant, instead of facing the reality of dying penniless because they decided to pursue the arts back in college instead of listening to their parents and becoming an electrician’s apprentice, like my stupid brother Jim.”

At press time, Hull was seen headed into the woods with a stack of x-rated publications in an effort to pay it forward to the next generation of young pervs.