Unemployed Guy Still Does Casual Fridays

Posted on by Jeff Bender

HUNTERSVILLE, N.C. — Former talent acquisition specialist Remy Dolan confirmed this week that he still honors his old company’s tradition of Casual Friday despite not having worked since July, mildly disgusted sources reported. 

“Oh shoot, I almost forgot. It’s Friday, isn’t it? I guess I should get out of these dirty sweatpants and grease-stained T-shirt and into something more comfortable,” said the once-office-favorite at NVIDIA, trading fresh boxers for a used pair of boxer-briefs and pulling over a bleached-stained “Steve’s Bachelor Party Boca Raton 2007” tank. “That’s better. Now I can achieve the same level of production while maximizing my comfort. And to think I was about to run a comb through my hair and put on some deodorant.” 

Dolan’s wife confirmed that even though he does nothing all day, her husband remains committed to the rhythms—and platitudes—of the workweek. 

“I come home and the leaves aren’t raked, the breakfast dishes are festering in the sink, and the front door is mysteriously ajar. Our Netflix history shows he watched all of ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘The Crown’ in three days,” said Harriet Dolan, a local mortician. “And yet he groans about how he can’t wait for Hump Day and ‘Is it Friday yet?’ Thursday night he sets out his stinkiest, most Bill-Bellichick-awful clothes on the dresser because, I guess, when you’re unemployed, Casual Friday takes on new heights.” 

When asked how he managed Casual Friday at the workplace, Dolan’s former supervisor admitted there were still some kinks to be worked out. 

“He never really got the hang of it when he was here,” said NVIDIA branch manager Tabitha Scott. “Sometimes he seemed to confuse Casual Friday for ‘PJ Day’ and came in with fuzzy slippers and a teddy bear. Other times he unzipped his fly and let his shirttail poke out. And then there was the Friday he cut a big hole in the back of his pants and walked around the office with a bare ass. It was funny the first time, but eventually we had to let him go. That said, we’re happy to hear Remy’s been working things out at home.” 

At press time, Dolan was overheard lumbering out of bed at 11:00 a.m. muttering, “Holy shit, is it really Monday again?” 

Opinion: As Someone With the Maturity of a Child, I Should Be Able to Qualify for Make-A-Wish

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I’ve been called a lot of things: selfish, immature, annoying, and, according to my 10th-grade English teacher, an unserious student with no future. But those people are just jealous of my innocent, childlike view of the world. Case in point: the other afternoon, during another SpongeBob marathon, I saw an ad for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which was super depressing, but it got me thinking about how nice it would be to meet all my favorite superheroes despite having aged out of the program by 20 plus years.

And since I do possess the maturity of a child, I should have access to the same privileges and VIP access Make-a-Wish provides.

Now, before you all jump up my ass and call me a monster, ask yourself this: if you had a life-threatening illness, you’d want a life-affirming pick me up to give you hope, right, and maybe that involves VIP tickets to Riot Fest. Sure, the kids Make-a-Wish have been dealt unfathomable setbacks no child deserves to experience, but last time I checked, we had equal rights or whatever, so my hemorrhoids should at least qualify me to hang out with Aubrey Plaza for a day.

I know it seems like a grift, like the times I’ve tried to order off the kids’ menu at a restaurant by claiming that I’m “young at heart” (or angling for a senior discount, being an “old soul”). This is completely different, because once the organization’s reps meet me in person and see how little impulse control I possess, my ticket to Disney World is as good as punched. Catastrophic illness pending, of course.

I may not be gravely ill today, but hypothetically, if I were to end up with an extended hospital stay due to prostate cancer or even food poisoning, I should have the option of John Cena letting me beat him at Wrestlemania. Hell, if I have to hang out around toxic dump sites to get this ball rolling, I’ll do it.

Age limits should be for drinking, smoking, and driving. As someone who argues with children on Fortnite and sleeps in a racecar bed, Make-a-Wish should be obligated to hook me up. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy like an early Marvel movie screening! I’m more than happy to hang out with the players from the 2002-2003 New Jersey Devils.

And believe me, I will have a temper tantrum if they deny me.

Legendary Noise Band Reunites With Original Laptop

Posted on by Mike Maher

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Seminal noise outfit GÜNT has reunited with its original laptop and founding member, sources close to the virus-riddled 2003 Compaq Presario confirmed. 

“It’s great to have our OG PC back,” GÜNT frontman Mark Phaneuf said. “After years of not returning our emails, we thought reuniting was a lost cause. Turns out the Presario’s battery was just dead! But once we tracked down the laptop at a pawn shop in Yonkers, paid twice as much to buy it back than we sold it for, then found the right power cord to recharge it back to life, GÜNT picked up right where we left off — making inaccessible, avant garde harsh noise wall recorded straight to cassette and released in impossible-to-find quantities.” 

Lloyd Perkins, the veteran Geek Squad technician hired to refurbish the laptop, had never filed a ticket quite like this before. 

“I reinstalled that laptop’s operating system four friggin’ times because I thought the audio files were corrupted,” Perkins said. “Come to find out the sound of roadsaws, bird chips and leafblowers were exactly what the band wanted recovered! Then instead of paying me, these cheapskates put me on the list for their reunion show. It’s at a laundromat! And apparently one song is just a microphone left inside an industrial dryer filled with quarters. Me and my lady can’t dance to that!” 

Daniel Polanski, host of noise podcast Dan Is The Bastard, welcomes back the laptop but with reservations.   

“For the casuals uninitiated with the multidimensional aural complexities of harsh noise wall, getting the Presario back in GÜNT is akin to the Smiths reuniting with that pedantic twat Morrissey,” Polanski said. “Sure, they’ve created their best work together. But The Prez has also proven to be by far the most unreliable and temperamental member of the band. One minute it runs hot, the next it freezes under pressure. It’s fallen asleep and even straight up quit once midperformance. And it’s also notorious for frequenting a lot of unprotected networks, if you catch my drift. Personally, I prefer GÜNT’s purely analog works to their digital oeuvre. But nonetheless, this is a watershed moment for the 8 to 10 fans of the most superior subgenre of music ever committed to tape and/or CD-R.” 

At press time, the reunion performance was hailed a triumph despite the Presario’s AIM chat constantly going off throughout GÜNT’s set.

Bad Religion Saves Money by Having Greg Graffin’s TA Drive the Tour Bus Again

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Legendary punk band Bad Religion decided to cut costs for an upcoming tour by having lead singer Greg Graffin’s TA drive the tour bus, sources report.

“I can’t believe I only discovered this little life-hack a few years ago,” said Graffin. “I save myself time as a professor by having my TA handle my office hours, so why not save money by having him acquire a Commercial Driver’s License and drive us around the country a little? I earned my PhD over 20 years ago, so I’m actually kind of disappointed in myself that it took me this long to realize this was an option. Paying a driver is such a huge part of touring expenses, so it’s a no-brainer to just put this task on someone who’s already getting paid through a grant that doesn’t come out of our pockets.”

Graffin’s TA Jonathan Bergen was not happy about the situation.

“This definitely is not what I was expecting when I got accepted into UCLA’s doctoral program,” Bergen sighed. “I’m writing my dissertation on starter feed development for local golden trout, not on driving a fucking tour bus for the second year in a row. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to TA under Bad Religion’s lead singer, but it’s actually been a total drag. I’m going to have to grade papers and online quizzes in between my driving shifts while Dr. Graffin is performing. I know there are some unsavory parts to graduate education, but this is a little ridiculous if you ask me.”

Azadeh Ghorbani, the Dean of UCLA’s School of Life Sciences, did not agree with Graffin’s decision.

“Dr. Graffin and I will have to have a little talk when he gets back from his tour,” Ghorbani said. “I remember scolding him after their tour with Social Distortion, but it seems that the message didn’t get through to him. Our graduate students are already getting by on an absolute pittance, so it really isn’t fair for professors who are also successful punk musicians to outsource their touring costs to their TAs. I’m pretty sure Bad Religion is taking in enough money through their ticket sales, so they’re just going to have to eat the cost of a bus driver going forward.”

At press time, Milo Aukerman was considering going back into teaching so he could do the same thing for an upcoming Descendents tour.

Dave Mustaine Retiring from Megadeth to Enjoy Remainder of Megalife with Megafamily

Posted on by Dan Rice

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Citing advancing mega-arthritis preventing him from “giving 100% every night,” Megadeth founder Dave Mustaine has announced he will be megaretiring following the band’s upcoming megatour to promote their final album, Megadeth. “After some intense megareflection, I’ve come to megaterms with the fact that it’s megatime to move on. My megahands are megafailing me, and to push on would be a megadisservice to all my megafans. I’m looking forward to megasetteling down and spending more megatime with my megafamily — My beautiful megawife, my megason, my megadaughter, and of course, my megagrandaughter. Might even get a new megadog!” Mustaine also plans to use his megaretirement to focus on his Christian faith, saying that after the megatour, he would be spending a lot more time at his local megamegachurch. 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it megadevelops.

Family Evicted from Home by Democrat Hoax

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BRANSON, Mo. — A family of four was evicted from the home of twelve years due to a Democrat hoax that fooled the family into believing they were no longer able to afford their mortgage, sources who definitely know what the S&P 500 Index is confirmed.

“I just can’t believe the Democrats would stoop this low in making it seem like we don’t have enough money to sustain our standard of living anymore. Trump really needs to put a stop to this hoax,” said Dave Silverson, father of two. “We’ve lived here since 2014 and never had a problem making our payments back then, but now, suddenly, with the Democrats not controlling the Senate, Supreme Court, or presidency, they’re somehow able to make us think that everything actually is more expensive and we can’t afford it anymore. How deep does this conspiracy go?”

Silverson’s wife Emma says the family now having to move into a small apartment isn’t the only hardship the Democrat hoax has given them.

“When I go to the grocery store now, it’s like this hoax follows us. I remember when Biden was president and how expensive food actually was back then, but now we’re being tricked into thinking that the prices are actually higher now. And obviously that can’t be true since Trump said everything is cheaper since day one of him being president,” said Emma. “Not only that, but gas stations are hoaxing us with prices that are well over three dollars, but again, that can’t be true since Trump very clearly said they are now a dollar ninety-eight. Nice try, Demo-rats.”

Fox Business reporter Maria Bartiromo says families like the Silversons across the country are falling victim to this financial ruse perpetuated by politicians on the left.

“I think it’s a disgrace what the radical left is doing to the hardworking Americans, making them believe the economy is falling off a cliff,” said Bartiromo from her five-story townhouse on Central Park. “If you look at the stock market, it keeps going up and up, and if there’s one thing economists can all agree on, it is that people with no means of investing who are living paycheck to paycheck are definitely benefiting from the top 1% accumulating even more wealth from perceived value to shareholders.”

At press time, Dave Silverson said he can’t believe how terrible his Obamacare coverage is and wishes he could go back to being on the Affordable Care Act.

Doubling Down: Tarantino Just Admitted He Hates Movies and When He Sees an Actor He Wants to Throw Up

Posted on by Charles Bill

Wow. The cinematic world was just rocked once more as Quentin Tarantino doubled down on his previous statements on Paul Dano, Matthew Lillard, and Owen Wilson, admitting that he despises the entire medium of film altogether and that when he sees an actor, he actually becomes physically ill with disgust. 

In a recent episode of The Video Archives Podcast, the veteran director got candid about his absolute revulsion at the very concept of burning a human face onto a celluloid frame. 

“This job is a fucking joke, okay, these movies, ‘films’ if you wanna call them, okay, they’re fucking trash. I tried watching this Woody Allen movie, okay, great director, and it starts pretty good, okay, you got a setting, okay, some music, okay, but then suddenly an actor shows up. Get. Me. The. Fuck. Outta there! Get me out! What a mistake, man! I mean, here you have a perfect movie with no one fucking in it, right, then you ruin it by sending Vera Farmiga onto the screen. With shoes on! Maybe if she kicked off those Keds, I could tolerate ten minutes of dialogue about Impressionism, but as is, I’d rather just watch TikToks, I mean, thank God for TikToks!”

Tarantino went on to explain how his career, which includes nine feature-length films and overwhelming critical praise, was essentially done under duress.

“My mom dated this guy who was like a father to me, okay and he took me to see all these movies — genre films — kung-fu flicks, blacksploitation movies, women in prison movies… I fucking hated it. I would say to him, ‘Please stop making me watch movies, these actors make me want to puke my fucking guts out,’ and he would say, ‘No.” Okay, ‘You’re gonna sit there, and you’re gonna learn how to make fucking Reservoir Dogs.’ He still calls me every few years, ‘Hey, do Jackie Brown,’ ‘Hey, do Kill Bill,’ ‘Hey, do Kill Bill Volume 2,’ it’s a fucking nightmare! My life is a fucking nightmare. 

Tarantino was asked about actors, specifically his recent feud with Paul Dano, whose name caused Tarantino to run out of the studio and violently sick up. When he returned, he elaborated that actors are dumb, ugly, and don’t even seem to want to say the n-word. 

“That’s why I cast myself in all of my movies, okay? I mean, why do we need all of these handsome, talented, charming people in movies when they could have me barely stumbling through lines that I wrote myself? Suddenly, it’s better to have Paul Dipshit in There Will Be Blood instead of a bloated cocaine addict? Paul Thomas Anderson has some lessons to learn from me.”

Tarantino ended the interview with a plea to save movie theaters by playing Instagram reels in them, preferably of feet.

Banjo Purchase Gives Millennial a Pretty Affordable Mid-Life Crisis

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ZION, Ill. — A banjo purchase by 41-year-old Stan Rukowski gave the millennial a decently affordable mid-life crisis, sources report.

“This thing ran me about $200, so it was definitely manageable,” said Rukowski. “Ever since I entered my forties, I needed something to help me cope with my impending mortality, but I didn’t have the funds to become a motorcycle guy or build a man cave. I work in data entry and moonlight as a Lyft driver, so I definitely can’t afford to buy a fancy new car or go on some huge vacation. Learning the banjo and maybe becoming a bluegrass guy seems much more tenable. I’m actually pretty excited to start learning this new instrument. Maybe I’ll complement it by becoming a whiskey guy, too. Or maybe even a guy who wears a fedora and suspenders now. Banjos really do open up a world of budget-friendly possibilities at this age.”

Rukowski’s wife was more relieved than anything.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not excited to listen to Stan learn his arpeggios over the next few months, but at least he’s not bankrupting us by buying a new Porsche,” noted Veronica Rukowski. “As far as mid-life crises go, I’m getting off pretty easily here. God forbid he notices the bald spot on the back of his head, because I know the resulting purchase would be something pretty drastic. I guess I’ll just let him have this and maybe find my own activity to get me out of the apartment while he practices. Maybe I’ll re-enroll in a hot yoga class or something. I’ll just have to take on a few extra shifts at the Olive Garden to be able to afford it.”

Sociologist Jiquanda Pickett was all too familiar with these types of age-related situations.

“Millennials are definitely experiencing mid-life crises differently than previous generations,” Pickett observed. “They’re feeling the same emotions that Baby Boomers did, but without the financial advantages that they had. The erosion of the middle class, due in large part to the Reagan presidency that their parents eagerly voted for, has ensured that even the most highly educated millennials are forced to work multiple jobs just to scrape by. Ordering a new instrument on Amazon and taking lessons on YouTube will have to suffice when there’s no way in hell you’re ever going to be able to purchase property.”

At press time, Rukowski decided to buy the banjo with installment payments after the couple had reviewed their finances.

Why Huffing That Open Container of Paint Thinner I Found in My Parents’ Garage Wasn’t Breaking Edge

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Look, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy’s whole identity is centered around being straight-edge, and he just threw it all away because he came across an open container of Klean Stripe in his parents’ garage.” Well, I’m here to tell you that’s total bullshit, man. Yes, I did huff the absolute Christ out of that paint thinner that’s been opened on my dad’s work bench since the mid-nineties, but rest assured that I did not break edge in the process.

First off, have you ever actually read the lyrics to that Minor Threat song? I have, and not once does Ian Mackaye mention paint thinner, so please wipe that haughty expression off your face. Yes, he does mention sniffing glue, but does this look like a bottle of Elmer’s to you? No way, man, it says “solvent for use in diluting oil-based paints or varnish”, so my conscience is completely clean here, even if my face isn’t. Seriously, this stuff is burning the shit out of my nose.

And to be completely honest, I barely even got high from it. Think about it, if I was really interested in breaking edge, would I choose a dissolving agent that’s been open since the first Clinton administration? No way. If that were the case, I would do something like chug an entire bottle of Listerine in the CVS parking lot or take an entire bottle of the Paxil that my roommate Garret keeps in the back left corner of his sock drawerhe doesn’t know I know about. Not that I’ve ever done either of these things. I’m just saying, if I were interested in no longer being straight-edge, a little spur-of-the-moment huff of a perfectly legal substance after grabbing myself a Cherry 7-Up from the garage fridge during my nephew’s birthday party wouldn’t cut it. You feel me?

Oh well, we can talk back-and-forth here until we’re blue in the face (well, in my case, even bluer in the face than I already am). I think the best course of action is for us to just agree to disagree, and you can head back to the party while I sit here and stare at my dad’s tool set until the world stops spinning. Just do me a favor and don’t mention this to anyone, OK? I think I’ve competently made the case that this wasn’t a lifestyle lapse, but if you’re any indication, not everyone’s going to agree with me. Can you shut the door on your way out? Thanks.

Gonorrhea Outbreak Somehow Not the Worst Part of Bret Michaels Concert

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CLEARWATER, Fla. — A gonorrhea outbreak during an outdoor Bret Michaels concert at the BayCare Sound was somehow less unpleasant than the show itself, repulsed sources report.

“I don’t know what I was expecting going to a solo Bret Michaels show, but man, that was awful,” concertgoer Ronnie Sanders said. “I mean, I’m not surprised that I caught gonorrhea from that old lady with the Confederate flag calf tattoo after we hooked up in one of the Port-A-Johns, but I am a bit taken aback at how depressing the actual concert was. The yellowish-green discharge coming out of my penis was definitely horrid, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as watching Bret perform ‘Talk Dirty to Me’ with his anonymous backing band. I’d rather catch gonorrhea a dozen more times than have to suffer through that again.”

Teresa Juárez, a doctor at a nearby MedExpress, relayed her experience treating the cases the next day.

“This happens every time Bret Michaels comes to town,” Juárez sighed. “I knew I was going to be seeing hundreds of gonorrhea cases over the few days following the concert, so at least this time I was prepared. I definitely don’t enjoy spending my day looking at a seemingly endless line of swollen testicles and bloody vaginas, but it certainly doesn’t sound nearly as bad as the stories I’m hearing from the show itself. ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ isn’t a great song to begin with, but seeing a geriatric Bret Michaels encore with it while a guy wearing a MAGA hat vomit into a trash can next to the Miller Lite kiosk in your peripheral vision makes it sound so much worse.”

The Poison singer had a different take on the show.

“Man, what a kickass set that was,” Michaels excitedly said as he changed into a fresh bandana. “It’s times like these where I’m glad I decided to stop ‘Rock of Love’ and get back onto a touring schedule. I could see the audience was really going crazy when we played ‘Unskinny Bop.’ Some of the people were actually listening to the music and not even drunkenly dry-humping each other or passing out. One guy with a ‘These Colors Don’t Run’ tank top and a faded green barbed wire tattoo on his bicep was even playing air guitar!”

At press time, Pfizer was developing a new type of antibiotic specifically for sexually transmitted diseases caught at hair metal concerts.