Crust Punk Sets Sail for Fabled Promised Land of Pacific Garbage Patch

Posted on by Trevor Graham

SAN FRANCISCO — A local crust punk announced plans to set sail on open waters to discover the fabled promised land of the Pacific Garbage Patch, sources who asked to bum a smoke confirmed.

“Yeah man, I’ve had it with society and I’m going to find that giant floating garbage patch and make a new life for myself. There’s a putrid island out there somewhere covered in cigarette butts, half-empties of PBR and moldy donuts. It’s everything I could ever need,” said Derek “Squizz Face” Robins. “I built this boat out of some oil drums I found and made a sail out of old issues of Maximum RockNRoll. If it starts to leak I can patch it with all these Amebix patches I have. DIY or die!”

Some friends of Robins aren’t so sure about his plans of exploration for a new world though as it seems like a fantasy.

“I don’t know, it just all sounds too good to be true. A giant trash heap to live on forever? There’s no way the government would allow that to exist,” said Rotten Doug. “How long could someone really survive on a thing like that? Sure, you could live off all the garbage people have thrown away but where are you going to get your Fent from? No one’s throwing any of that into the ocean.”

Crust punk historian Chuck “Infected Leg Wound” Harrison explains that while Robins may consider his actions to be historic, he is not the first to attempt it.

“There have been a lot of punks who’ve tried to sail to the garbage patch and some may have even made it there, we really don’t know,” said Harrison. “We do know about Mikey ‘Leanin’ Evans who hit the seas on a raft made from Nausea seven-inches and found a massive pile of beautifully disgusting trash, used needles, and human shit only to discover he was actually just in Philadelphia.”

At press time, Robins said he was holding off on his voyage after hearing reports that the garbage patch has become so large it may just reach the shores of the west coast within the next few months.

Impossible! This Guy Brought a Bag of Clothes Straight to the Thrift Store Instead of Letting It Sit in His Trunk for Three Months

Posted on by Ben Friedman

There is a universally accepted unwritten rule that it takes 12 to 15 weeks to move a garbage bag of used clothing from your home to the thrift store. The mental load required to decide which pair of pants stay and which ones to cast off into the bins is so taxing, it only makes sense for it to languish in a car trunk until one can find an extra ten minutes in the week to donate it. Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you it’s the natural order of the world.

That is, unless you ask local Minneapolis resident Doug Gleason, who defied all known logic and laws of physics by driving straight from his house with his old clothes to the local Savers in a single day.

“Well, I had nothing else better to do today, so I threw it in the car and dropped it off at the thrift store before checking out some of the used books. They even gave me a 20% coupon for donating, and it was just a bunch of novelty shirts that aren’t funny anymore! I should do this more often.” What kind of Herculean willpower does this man possess? Does he also not let his gas tank run all the way down to fumes?

The donation process has always been to let 50 pounds of clothes marinate in your car for several weeks on the off chance you change your mind about donating something, even if it doesn’t fit anymore. Gleason, however, shows a level of executive function we’ve only seen in NASA mission control or Hall of Fame quarterbacks. Hopefully, upon his death, he’ll donate his brain to science so they can study this outlier of outliers. 

“Come to think of it, I have some old winter jackets at home. I should swing by with them again this afternoon.”

Jesus Christ! Does he not know that clothing isn’t meant to be donated right away, but to serve as a reminder while it collects dust in his Subaru hatchback, that he should do it weeks down the road when everything in his life has perfectly aligned and can handle the mental workload of interacting with another human being in the drop-off line? This guy has the resolve of a Tibetan monk hiking up a mountain in a blizzard, but for giving away clothes he bought before he got an office job. 

Report: Cat Playing With Paper Towel Tube Happier Than You’ll Ever Be

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Researchers at the University of Minnesota released the results of a groundbreaking animal behavioral study, finding that a cat playing with a discarded paper towel tube will be infinitely happier than you will ever be.

“After repeated studies monitoring feline brain activity we’ve come to the irrefutable conclusion that our test subject, an orange tabby named Paulie, achieved more happiness and fulfillment simply batting around a used paper towel tube than any of us will ever experience in our lifetimes. And yes, we are taking into consideration the birth of a child and winning the lottery,” said head researcher Devin Bronson. “I’m not trying to make it sound like humanity will never know true joy, but you gotta see this little guy go. He’s having the time of his life whacking around this shitty little cardboard tube without a care in the world. Even God would envy him.”

Paulie’s owner didn’t realize volunteering his cat for the study would lead to a worldwide existential crisis.

“I brought him to be observed for the study because he rejected every toy I’d given so far, and I figured the researchers could assess what could bring him the most contentment. I was not ready for him to be so taken with a piece of recycling. You could see it in his eyes that the shitty paper towel roll provided a level of fun and excitement I couldn’t possibly muster up on,” said Brian Holtz. “Does he have a bottomless reserve of dopamine, or did society collectively build a prison in which we can’t derive joy from the simple things in life? Maybe they can use this study to create some new drug we can take to find joy in fucking around with cardboard.”

Paulie himself did not understand why the study was so significant.

“I knew humans were dumb, but Jesus Christ. What more is there to life than tube? It’s the best thing ever. Have they tried knocking it around the living room for six hours and then licking their asshole? It’s not that complicated,” said Paulie. “The guy who was testing me said something about me triggering a collective angst among human civilization or whatever. Bro, just knock a coffee mug off the kitchen table.”

Paulie was later observed achieving an even higher level of serenity after shredding apart an entire Costco package of paper towels throughout the house and shitting in the bathtub.

Woody Guthrie’s Guitar Detained by Masked Federal Agents

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

TULSA, Okla. — The guitar that once belonged to legendary folk musician Woody Guthrie was seized by federal agents and charged with domestic terrorism in a raid on the Woody Guthrie Center late Tuesday evening, confirmed sources. 

 “We were informed that a potentially dangerous piece of Americana was in the hands of individuals actively promoting not only anti-government sentiment, but folk music. Truly disgusting,” said FBI Director Kash Patel. “It’s clear to us that this guitar, with its promise to ‘destroy fascist,’ is the clear ring leader of the terrorist organization ANTIFA. It’s an endorsement of violent resistance, and we simply cannot allow this type of radicalism to go unchecked. Following a lengthy and expensive standoff with the so-called musical instrument, we had successfully apprehended the guitar, and it is being ‘tuned up’ in Alligator Alcatraz as we speak.”

The raid, conducted by a team of heavily armed agents wearing tactical gear, was described as clumsy and ineffective by Woody Guthrie Center employee Jayne Westfield.

“I was in the gift shop, making change for a kid buying a t-shirt with ‘This Land Is Your Land’ on it when they burst in,” said Westfield. “One of the guys put a black bag over the headstock to ‘keep it from knowing where it was going.’ I don’t know if these guys just watched ‘Night at the Museum’ the night before but I promise the guitar is not sentient. They also tore up the whole room, flipping over exhibits and ripping up a bunch of Woody’s old flannel shirts. Finally, Kash Patel pulled up in a Maserati with his girlfriend. He was wearing a Sable fur coat that still had the price tag on it and was declaring ‘mission accomplished’ to the press even while the standoff was still going on.”

Trump administration official Mitch Gowno stated that the government has plans to broaden its scope of investigations into other inanimate objects with “subversive” messaging.

“We’re looking at some pretty alarming items, folks. It’s not just guitars. We’ve got our eyes on those anti-capitalist Monopoly sets where players are encouraged to ‘redistribute wealth.’ Obviously the original is still good, though,” explained Gowno. “We’re also looking to get rid of superhero toys, Care Bears, Elmo plushes, and any Barbie doll that has a job.”

At press time, Patel hinted at the possibility of federal agents being sent back in time to arrest Bob Dylan before he went electric.

Opinion: Hockey Is Moshing

Posted on by Steve Packosky

So, the other day my friends invited me to watch the Penguins play the Canadiens down at the arena. I’m definitely not a sports guy by any stretch of the imagination, but I will happily grace any gathering with my presence if there’s beer involved, and luckily for me, there were plenty of Labatt Blue pounders for me to avail myself of. So I downed about 7 of those bad boys and sat down to watch the game.

Granted, I have absolutely no idea how hockey is played. It’s way too fast and I don’t know who is supposed to do what when they’re in possession of the ball, or puck, or whatever the fuck it’s called. So there I am, trying to make sense of what I’m seeing, when I hear that all-too familiar lightning/distortion combination of Slayer’s “Raining Blood” starting on the PA, and I’m struck with a revelation that I can only partially ascribe to the gallon of beer sloshing around in my stomach.

Hockey is moshing. That’s all it is. All of these professional “athletes” who have dedicated their entire lives to the craft of pushing their puck around with a stick are doing what? That’s right. They’re just rushing around in a circle, slamming into one another while metal plays. What the hell do you think I’m doing in the mosh pit while I’m seeing Carcass down at Stage AE? The exact same fucking thing, only I wasn’t stupid enough to waste years of my life learning how to do it. Maybe I’m just naturally talented, I dunno, but I’m obviously performing the very feat that these guys are getting paid millions of dollars to do. Seriously, all I would need to do is learn how to skate and try to keep vomiting to a minimum, and I’d basically be Sidney Crosby. 

So think about this the next time you decide to shell out $140 to see what I’ve spent $30 to do at a death metal concert. And I don’t even need to don 25 pounds of safety gear to do it. Let this missive serve as a message to all NHL players that what they’re doing is no more impressive than what your average metalhead does at a show after he’s had too much to drink and forgotten that he’s no longer 17 years old. In the meantime, they’d better make way and let me out on that ice, because I’m officially shitfaced and ready to thump some skulls.

Promised Slow Descent Into Fascism Picks Up an Alarming Amount of Speed

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Citizens across the nation were surprised to learn that the long-promised slow descent into fascism has rapidly accelerated in the past few months, confirmed sources.

“Whew, okay, that one’s on us. Huge whoopsie. Like, seriously, guys, so sorry,” said Claudia Warner, Executive Director of the Organization of American Historians. “Big, BIG yikes. We totally thought we had a few more years before the whole ‘fascism’ thing kicked in, but nope! Guess that’s our bad. Look, it’s been a really stressful quarter. Work’s insane, our kid’s been losing it at school, and we’ve been sleeping, like, three hours a night. We swore we had our eye on the ball but apparently the ball is gone. Completely gone. We dropped it. We’re in a freefall now. Fascism’s happening. It’s literally happening. Oh my God, how did this happen?!”

Local punk Burt Crank admitted he’s under mounting pressure to come up with a sick name for his acoustic, antifascist, anarcho-punk band.

“Fuck! I just thought I’d have a little more time to nail this before everything went to hell,” said a panicked Crank, pacing back and forth in his squat off North Capitol Street. “It has to be perfect. I thought I’d at least have a few more months to figure it out, but now I have to make a fucking choice. Goddammit. Okay. It’s between Dumpster Fire Choir and Unpaid International. Fuck. I hate those. Why couldn’t these bootlicking fuckers just wait a few more months? I would’ve perfected it by then. Okay, what about Folk the State? NO. That’s fucking stupid. It’s stupid and I hate it.”

Todd McGreevey, a senior White House staff member, confirmed that speeding up fascism was really just a matter of turning a knob in the White House basement.

“We were as surprised as anyone to find out fascism in the United States is controlled by this little knob,” said McGreevey. “Apparently it was installed at the nation’s founding, long before electricity or even the word ‘fascism.’ It’s mostly just been sitting at a three for the past two centuries. We cranked it up to seven during Trump’s first term, and this time we figured, why not go full Spinal Tap and turn it to eleven? Only instead of louder guitars, it’s full-blown Nazism.”

At press time, Crank had temporarily landed on the band name Molotov Hymn.

Trump Is Boasting About an Alleged Land Strike in Venezuela — Here’s Why He Is Still a Pedophile

Posted on by Dan Rice

Yesterday, the White House confirmed its 30th strike on alleged Venezuelan drug boats, this time claiming to have struck a port facility, marking the first land attack in the escalating conflict. Trump, who maintains the attacks are targeting illegal drug shipment operations, offering such damnign evidence as “Trust us,” and “Shut the fuck up and trust us,” boasts the port facility drone strike as a huge victory. Many experts, however, are less enthusiastic about the situation. According to a major independent think tank, even if the Venezuelan targets are a confirmed drug trafficking operation (they are not), and even if the legality of the strikes holds water (it doesn’t), Trump is still a massive pedophile and confirmed rapist. 

Here’s what we know: 

Bombing foreign boats with no confirmed evidence of wrongdoing does not un-fuck children

Every known analysis shows that the number of minors you have had sex with does not decrease, no matter how many drone strikes you carry out. At the end of the day, it’s not about how many boats you have blown up; it’s about the fact that you have definitely had sex with children. Even the MQ-9 Reaper, a state-of-the-art hexacopter touting a massive payload and long-duration surveillance capability, lacks the technology to undo any child fucking the President may have, and in fact did participate in.

A regime change in Venezuela will not erase Trump’s relationship with sex trafficker Jefferey Epstein

It’s an open secret that Trump’s real goal here is to oust Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, a known dictator who just so happens to be sitting on some significant oil and rare earth mineral reserves. It is, however, also an open secret that Donald Trump bonded with Jefferey Epstein over their shared love of coercing sex from women under the age of 18. Trump himself has called this a “Wonderful secret.” 

It is unlikely that the Epstein files were heavily redacted in order to stop the flow of fentanyl to the U.S. or bring democracy to Venezuela 

What is far more likely, according to experts, is that the files have been redacted in order to reduce the amount of evidence that the President of the United States and many of his powerful associates were once involved in an illegal pedophile sex ring.

The President boasted, under oath, that one of his victims enjoyed being raped

According to geo-political experts, that’s a thing that happened, there’s video, we’ve all seen it, he said that and he’s the president, and that’s the reality we wake up to each and every goddamn day.

Airbnb Checkout Instructions Include Reupholstering, Drywall Repair

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

LOS ANGELES — Local tourist Daniela Harper was stunned to discover her Airbnb checkout instructions included what most would call full-scale construction work, sources confirmed.

“My partner and I were only in town for the long weekend. We found this bungalow in Venice that was so cute and reasonably priced and thought, why not?” said a bewildered Harper. “It wasn’t until we were getting ready to check out that we saw the instructions. They asked us to reupholster an old armchair, patch a hidden spot of drywall behind a picture frame, replace light fixtures, recaulk the bathtub, clean the gutters, tighten every loose door handle and hinge, repaint an accent wall, power-wash the patio, regrout the kitchen tiles, trim the hedges, and alphabetize the spice rack. There was even a note about aligning all the throw pillows by color gradient. I have to go back to work! I can’t possibly stay here until all of this is done.”

Host Jason Whitaker defended the instructions, insisting that “running an Airbnb is hard” and that he shouldn’t be expected to “do literally everything” himself.

“My parents bought me this house to teach me responsibility and how to run a business,” said Whitaker. “Eventually, my dad wants me to take over his real estate empire, and he said if I can’t exploit temporary renters on a weekend-to-week basis through an Airbnb, then how am I supposed to exploit tenants for years, slowly raising their rents and bleeding them dry? Well, guess what, Dad! Maybe I don’t want to run this Airbnb. It’s too hard. I shouldn’t have to do it all. I should have help, you know?”

Airbnb spokesman Kevin Torres confirmed the policy, emphasizing that the company encourages hosts to provide renters with “the full homeownership experience,” which may include routine maintenance and light renovations.

“At Airbnb, we strive to offer our guests the complete residential experience,” said Torres. “Renters gain access to properties in unique locations they might never otherwise visit. Living like a local means embracing the responsibilities that come with a home, including certain maintenance and renovation tasks. This is part of the comprehensive experience we provide. Our Maintenance and Renovation Experiences are thoughtfully priced to be accessible, and we strongly encourage guests to review all 40 pages of the terms and conditions before booking one of these offerings.”

At press time, Harper had reached the part of the checkout instructions that asked her to wax Whitaker’s 2025 Porsche 911.

How To Increase Your Income by Helping Those Teenagers Outside 7-Eleven Buy Beer

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

A lot of people these days like to sit around doing nothing and act surprised that they’re poor. They act like making a profit in this world is hopeless. I say that’s ridiculous. Opportunities are present everywhere. Yes, even at your local 7-Eleven. 

No, I don’t mean by buying lottery tickets, those are for chumps. I also don’t mean those video poker games now at every gas station because those are for chumps who like bright lights. The real opportunity is right outside the store, where you can find all your local high schoolers in need of someone to buy them beer.

Children between thirteen and twenty are the highest demographic with disposable income in this country. A smart investor would look at that data and figure out what they need, but don’t have immediate access to. Turns out you, a sad sack who has had no real contribution to society so far, have actually aged into a highly monetizable asset: being old. 

What, did you think your knowledge of thirty-year-old Simpsons quotes would get you this kind of money? Or your college degree in something now replaced by AI? Quit living in a fantasy and focus on the acne-faces who grew up on Minions who are in desperate need of getting drunk on their parents’ dime. 

This isn’t limited to one 7-Eleven or even just the franchise itself. Everywhere you look, you can find a teenager who would gladly ask you if this $20 is enough for you to get them a six-pack of PBR tall boys. Be sure to act impressed that they know what PBR is.  

With this kind of money going towards your retirement account, you’ll no longer have the fear of working well into your seventies. If you are really lucky, you can even drink with them in the alley. You can blow their mind with stories of what it was like being alive when the Iraq War was happening. Either way, your portfolio is guaranteed to increase through a simple life hack that only requires fifteen minutes of your time.

Remember, this does not have to be limited to beer. Be sure to ask your local kids if they are interested in trying cigarettes as well!

Jack White Bans Fans From Concerts

Posted on by Matt Kennedy

NASHVILLE — Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee Jack White officially banned fans from attending his concerts, citing a desire to “get rid of all the fucking bullshit and just play,” confirmed sources.

“We partnered with Fandr, a startup that provides attendees with giant plastic bags to place themselves — and any other Jack White fans they may be carrying — inside for the duration of the show,” said tour manager Lalo Medina. “Each bag includes a breathing hole, a feeding tube, and a bucket for any sanitary needs that may arise. Jack just doesn’t want the distraction of people enjoying his music. He’s never actually liked music. He prefers to focus on making it and believes people being actual fans is totally missing the plot.”

Despite the restrictions, many fans praised the new policy.

“It was the best Jack White show I’ve never seen,” said lifelong fan Ben Bradley, who spent more than three hours sealed in a Fandr bag at a show in Omaha. “At one point I was sucking on the feeding tube just imagining Jack absolutely shredding. Honestly? Way better than when I saw him for real. I truly locked in. It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t care that my excrement bucket fell and I was covered in urine and poo.”

Experts were quick to note that this sort of behavior was fairly common for famous musicians.

“This isn’t the first ban in rock and roll,” said rock historian Tony Ujifusa. “Mötley Crüe famously banned long hair from their 1989 summer tour, and Nelly Furtado once banned the selling and eating of frittatas at all early-2000s shows. Sure, The Grateful Dead allowed taping of their concerts but if they witnessed any gambling they would immediately stop the show and report all ticket holders to authorities. White’s ban is just part of the longstanding rock tradition of never doing what anyone tells you to do, while telling everyone else exactly what they can and can’t do.”

At press time, White and his team were reportedly working with members of Congress on a bill that would ban all concert attendance nationwide.