Hardcore Frontman’s Resume Just List of Fights He Won

Posted on by John Danek

WHEELING, W. Va. — Unemployed hardcore punk singer Lyle “Coccyx” Plant is seeking employment with a resume consisting solely of fistfights and crew battles in which he was the victor, numerous HR departments reported.

“They say to list your proudest achievements on your resume, so mine details the date, time, and location of every time I beat down someone that betrayed me or sold out one my friends,” said Plant, who was fired from his last job after knocking out his boss. “I also attached photos of the aftermath. Sometimes my face is bloody, which I think conveys a sense of honesty and a strong work ethic. Or it conveys that I’ll kick your ass if you don’t hire me. Either way, I really need a steady paycheck until we go on tour with God’s Hate in March.”

Potential employers in West Virginia’s northern panhandle had varying reactions to Plant’s alarming job applications.

“In all my years of hiring graveyard shift Wal-Mart stock crew, I’ve never seen a resume as violent as this,” said Wal-Mart manager and Bible Study Meetup leader Pauline Koch. “I even called one of the references named ‘Sickfoot’ who confirmed that Lyle did in fact beat his rear end quite fully. We don’t need the best and brightest to stock these shelves, and maybe I can teach Mr. Plant about the love of our lord Jesus? Or maybe he can kick my ex-boyfriend’s rear end too before I inevitably fire him.”

Professional headhunters encouraged caution in striking a balance between a traditional resume and more attention-grabbing tactics.

“Companies are not interested in knowing how many fights you won, unless maybe you’re applying to be a bouncer or work in private security,” reported headhunter Ilana Williamson, who specializes in placing punk-adjacent lifers in permanent job positions. “Keep the fights off the resume, and only mention one in your cover letter if it’s a heroic tale of defending the defenseless. If you just started swinging because you thought someone was badmouthing your band’s merch, save it for the water cooler once you have the job.”

Sources confirmed that Plant’s employment prospects are dwindling, as he has begun including explicit photos of all his tattoos, piercings, and scars.

“The Mandalorian” Season Three to Follow Teenage Yoda’s Quest to Lose Virginity Before Graduation

Posted on by Doug Kolic

BURBANK, Calif. – Disney announced that the highly-anticipated third season of their hit series “The Mandalorian” will focus on Yoda as a teenager and his quest to lose his virginity prior to Jedi Academy graduation, opinionated sources confirmed.

“We’ve decided to age up the new season, so now Baby Yoda’s all grown and horny as hell,” stated Disney CEO Robert Iger to skeptical-looking advertisers. “Viewers will get a chance to see Grogu, or Greg as he now wants to be known, go through his awkward high school years as he embarks on a journey of sexual discovery. Our Market Research team led by my thirteen-year-old nephew Todd, has indicated that fans are very interested in following this beloved character’s coming-of-age pursuit to get laid before grad. I don’t want to spoil anything, but Grogu will absolutely at some point be force fucking an apple pie.”

A long-time Star Wars fan shared her trepidation about the show’s change in creative direction.

“I’m not sure how I feel about Baby Yoda being transformed into an insatiable ‘poon hound’ as the press release called him,” said Cathy McMillan. “We love him because he’s so gosh darn adorable not because he’s trying to get his little green peen wet for the first time. Apparently they also have new storylines for Moff Gideon who’ll be playing the crusty principal trying to stop Yoda from pulling off an epic end-of-year prank, and for Peli Motto whose drastic makeover will transform her from ugly duckling to school ‘It Girl’. Frankly, I’m outraged by Disney’s continued degradation of this beloved franchise, but yes, I’ll definitely check it out and go broke buying as much merch as humanly possible.”

Media Professor Dr. Jonathon Riggio explained how shows feel the need to evolve in order to attract new viewers.

“Networks feel pressured to push the creative envelope, sometimes to the point of absurdity,” expressed Dr. Riggio. “It’s a real risk to change a winning formula but if it works it can expand the fan base, but if it backfires it can alienate viewers. What’s next, Yoda getting addicted to fentanyl like he’s some kid on ‘Euphoria’? Wait, that could actually work. Do you happen to have Robert Iger’s phone number? This could be my ticket out of this shitty community college.”

At press time, season four was already in the works and would reportedly follow Yoda attempting to bust a human trafficking ring he unwittingly uncovers while backpacking from Amsterdam to Oktoberfest.

Roadie For A Capella Group Can’t Believe He’s Getting Away With This

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

CORSICANA, Texas — The recently hired roadie of touring a capella collective Vox On The Run is flabbergasted that he’s getting away with a job so cushy, envious sources confirmed.

“I mean, knock on wood of course, but, I swear, I haven’t lifted a finger this whole 60-city tour. I offered to carry one of their pitch pipes at the first gig, just to be nice, and they turned me down. Guess it’s a superstition thing for them,” said the group’s roadie Harland Luske while trying to look busy. “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, but until then, I’m gonna stay on the bus and try to get lots of reading done, something I haven’t had the time to do in years. Believe me, I’m as mystified as you are.”

Group members report no ill-will or suspicion toward Mr. Luske, who is apparently very loved among his touring family..

“Oh, Harland’s the best. Always offering to hold our coats or our coffee cups–hold anything, really. He’s always making us laugh by popping in again and again like ‘you sure?’ It’s such a good bit. We couldn’t picture the tour without him,” said countertenor Liam Pizzaforetto. “Such a sweetheart. He may not lift any equipment, but he lifts something far more important: our spirits.”

Recently retired Roadie Hall of Fame member, and friend to Mr. Luske, Lucian Whittiker is far less sympathetic.

“I was the only roadie for a 25-piece symphonic metal band for the past twelve years of my life, so you can understand my seething jealousy toward the guy. I’d be loading in my third synthesizer bank and he’d be blowing up our group chat saying how he was on his third re-read of Ulysses,” said Whittiker. “It’s all just envy though, like I said. If it were me, I’d be wanting to ride that gravy train as long as I could, too.”

At press time, it was reported that Mr. Luske was unable to hold open a door as the group entered a venue due to his muscles atrophying completely from inactivity.

Finally! After Years of Harassing Them To Get Back Together, Title Fight Reunited To Serve Us a Restraining Order

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Title Fight was one of the greatest emo bands of the 2010s before they disappeared off the face of the Earth in 2018. It’s not that we don’t know their whereabouts. Thanks to the power of doxxing, public records searches, and questionable journalism ethics, we’ve spent years tracking each member’s every move. Now it’s finally paid off with the full band making their first public appearance in years to serve us a restraining order!

We typically prefer a barricade spot in front of the stage over an uncomfortable bench in a courtroom, but we can’t complain considering the intimate setting of this reunion.

Over the past few years, we’ve displayed “Love Actually” style cue cards reading “Any updates on Title Fight?” outside each of their homes, waited outside the men’s room at Jamie Rhoden’s favorite sports bar, and even cornered Ned Russin at a few of his Glitterer shows to ask the age-old question of when Title Fight will make its grand return.

After years of dodging the question with cowardly responses like “How did you get my address?” and “Please don’t talk to me at the urinal,” the members of Title Fight finally gave us a clear answer in the court of law. As the fine print on their protective order banning us from “all future performances” reveals, Title Fight is back! It just sucks that we’re legally prohibited from attending any of the inevitable reunion shows that will surely follow this court date. At least we got their autographs on all of the documents to commemorate our hard work.

Still, this testimony alone was well worth the wait. Title Fight’s new sound is fantastic! You can hear the rage in Ned’s voice when he says, “Leave me, my family, and my friends alone.” We haven’t heard that kind of raw, emotional songwriting since “Floral Green.”

This says so much about the power of investigative music journalism. Say what you will about our methods, but how else would we bring Title Fight back together?

Desperate Kevin McCarthy Agrees to Two Over-the-Pants Handjobs in Exchange for House Speaker Votes in His Favor

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Embattled Rep. Kevin McCarthy offered Republican colleagues two over-the-pants handjobs, redeemable at any time within his term, if they agree to vote for him in the ongoing Speaker of the House race, multiple intrigued sources confirmed.

“These past few days have been difficult for everyone, but democracy is difficult,” said Rep. McCarthy, R-CA 20th District. “I want all the other Republicans in this chamber to know I will represent them, their constituents, and I’ll jerk them off to completion using my right hand over their slacks. And for all the Republican women I’m offering them the chance to do the same act to me, I assume they have all been wanting to do it for years. This is their chance to finally get a piece.”

Democrats admit they are not surprised by the lengths of Rep. McCarthy’s desperation.

“This is a position Rep. McCarthy has been coveting for over a decade, and now it’s all falling apart. There are some Democrats that would be willing to vote his way, but he has not yet reached across the aisle and offered any of us handjobs of any variety,” said Rep. Sean Casten, D-IL 6th District. “He’s lost the vote seven times already, so he needs to start making concessions to the left as well. If he offered to finger or jerk off people on the left then he would easily sure up the votes. We love cumming just as much as anyone else and it would be an honor to bust all over the House floor.”

Far-right political pundits say the handjob offers are not enough and their representatives should keep holding out.

“Over-the-pants handjobs are the absolute lowest form of sexual gratification. These people aren’t kids at summer camp, they are adult lawmakers who deserve sloppy oral with the promise of light rimming,” said TruthBang host Clive Wilson. “If Rep. McCarthy is serious about wanting this job then he needs to get down on his knees and test his gag reflex. America is a country full of people who love receiving oral, and that is well reflected in our elected representatives.”

At press time, Rep. McCarthy is expected to sweeten the deal by letting colleagues extinguish cigars on his nipples while he performs the handjobs.

Just Because My Last Piercing Never Healed Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Get Another One

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

I got my ear lobes pierced about seven months ago. The left one is still kinda swollen, crusty, and bleeds every night. And honestly, the right one isn’t doing much better. But does that mean I should wait another second before I get my next piercing? Hell no!

How a piercing heals is 99% luck. There is basically nothing you can do to ensure a piercing doesn’t get infected. Believe me, I looked into it briefly. Someone should consider creating something that helps with that. God my ears are sore.

At the same time, it’s not like I didn’t take any precautions. I rubbed a powerful charged moldavite crystal on my ears for like two hours before going to a reputable piercer (Claire’s). Then I waited a whole week before swimming in freshwater ponds. Plus, I didn’t change my jewelry for an entire 48 hours after getting pierced. It took a lot of willpower to keep those boring “hypoallergenic” titanium studs the lame piercer put in my ears for two whole days. I switched them out for cool nickel-based dangly crosses I bought at Hot Topic. Sure, they made my lobes throb and ache and ooze, but I got a lot of compliments on them. That’s what piercings are all about.

For my next one, I’m thinking of something big. Something that will take my mind off the constant pain I feel each day in my red-hot lobes. Perhaps one of those industrial piercings that’s like a bar through the top of the ear. Cartilage can’t get infected, right?

Maybe I could get a dermal piercing on my forehead right between my eyes. My buddy Chunk said he watched a Youtube video on how to do that at home with just a safety pin, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and a mini-screw from a glasses repair kit. He said he would only charge me a pack of Parliaments. It’ll look so good with the stick-n-poke neck tattoo I just got done at the gas station. Hopefully, it won’t itch as much.

Sure Maybe if My Parents Hadn’t Named Me ‘Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman’ I Wouldn’t Have Become a Daredevil but Such Is Life

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

At some point in everyone’s life, they stop and reflect on how things may have gone differently. Should I have gone on that date? What if I hadn’t missed that train? Where would I be had I not failed high school? For me, that question is: What if my full legal name wasn’t Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman?

As I lay here in this hospital bed in a full-body cast, having broken almost every bone in my body, I’ve had a lot of time to think. Would I even be here if my father wasn’t a failed stuntman and had just named me Michael? I guess I’ll never know. One must accept the hand that fate deals and, for me, it was being trained to jump over neighborhood children on a minibike before I could even walk.

But what’s in a name? I could have been “Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman, Attorney at Law” if I wasn’t forced to spend my youth doing loop-de-loops inside a flaming steel cage. Or “Dr. Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman” had I gone to college instead of trying to break Robbie Maddieson’s 346-foot world record.

Had I been named John or Peter, perhaps I wouldn’t have a crushed pelvis and have to pee out of this tube on my side. Sure, my father would probably still have forced me to base jump from the upper atmosphere without a parachute, but maybe I wouldn’t have felt so inclined to do it had I not had the words “Maniac” and “Madman” on both my birth certificate and my leather jacket.

I could legally change my name and sign the court documents if someone put a pen in my mouth, but I can’t help but think this all happened for a reason.

Thigh-High Chucks Unlaced Just in Time to Go Out Again

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

BALTIMORE – A pair of thigh-high Chuck Taylors owned by local woman Heidi Sanders were finally removed just moments before she was set to head back out on the town, justifiably impatient sources confirmed.

“I think people are blowing it out of proportion,” said Sanders, setting a timer on her phone for three hours. “I work my lacing between other household tasks, and I have it down to a science: get home, untie the top lace, start cooking, fold the laundry, pay my bills, practice guitar, check on the food, slip off the first shoe, and so on. It’s a process, but totally worth it if you’re good at multitasking. I get compliments on these bad boys all the time, so they’re here to stay, even if they completely rule my entire schedule.”

Sanders’ roommate Craig Peters recalls simpler times, before the thigh-highs were brought into rotation.

“I just leave her behind now because she takes fucking forever to get situated,” said Peters as he patiently sharpened a pair of scissors to take care of the laces once and for all. “I wanted to go to a show down the street, and when I was ready to leave, she was laying on her back with her legs in the air like a sloth trying to take a shit. I didn’t want to wait all night, so I just left. When I got back from the show, she was just getting started on the second shoe. I don’t even think she realized I was gone.”

Footwear expert Bryce Otto offered a practical solution to the tedious conundrum.

“Listen, thigh-highs are inherently hot, nearly without exception, so we must tread lightly. We don’t want to rule them out entirely, but these massive Chuck Taylors are an animal of their own breed,” said Otto. “I’ve seen hundreds succumb to their allure and then never recover from the massive toll the lacing process takes on their psyche. Either get a version that zips up from the back, or just paint your legs to look like you’re wearing them. Most people won’t even notice from a distance.”

At press time, Sanders was spotted trying on button-fly denim rompers.

Hipster Knew Nickelback Before They Weren’t Cool

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Local barista and music know-it-all Nathaniel Pellson claimed he knew Canadian band Nickelback long before they weren’t cool, sources who didn’t quite believe him confirmed.

“I discovered these nerds back in the late ‘90s prior to them blowing up and getting nominated for the NME Award for Worst Band in 2017,” said Pellson while thumbing through the vinyl records at Urban Outfitters in search of the next big uncool thing. “Then out of nowhere they were catapulted into mainstream success and everyone figured out pretty quickly they were total lame-wads. It’s like their uncoolness was no longer solely mine. That’s when I abandoned ship and turned my attention to 3 Doors Down. Thank God they never got too mainstream.”

Friends of Pellson claimed he did this sort of thing all the time.

“Nathaniel has this uncanny ability to tell when a band is going to be wildly uncool. Either that or he just reads the Wikipedia entries on bands the minute they get popular and pretends he knew them before everyone else,” said longtime friend Jade Drekler. “Worse yet, I’ve actually caught him listening to that ‘Photograph’ song on a few occasions. Hell, Nickelback was even his third most listened-to band on Spotify Wrapped back in 2018. Not only does he act like they’re not hip, but he also pretends to despise them for some sort of music personality points. He really needs to come out of the Nickelback fandom closet and embrace his inner truth.”

Music expert Quincy Roberts revealed that it’s natural for music fans to get competitive.

“Human beings revel in feeling like they’ve discovered something before the rest of civilization,” said Roberts. “It’s actually a huge trend among young people these days. Back in the 2000s you wanted to be the one who discovered something before it was cool. Now you want to know it before it’s not cool. Remember how crocs were extremely dorky 10 years ago? Well, now everyone under the age of 25 has a pair. They’re like the Creed of footwear. That’s just how music works now for some reason.”

At press time, Pellson was seen asking a guy in a Smash Mouth shirt to name three bad Pitchfork reviews.

New Evidence Shows Rep.-Elect George Santos Lied About Being One of the New York Hardcore Kids Trashing SNL During Infamous FEAR Set

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Republican Representative-elect George Santos is facing more scrutiny about his personal life after overwhelming evidence began to pile up refuting his claims that he was part of the on-screen melee that took place when FEAR played Saturday Night Live in 1981.

“He’s lied about where he went to school, his grandmother escaping the Holocaust, his mother dying on 9/11, but lying about being one of the punks that destroyed the SNL set is the most heinous deception yet,” said Rep. Ted Lieu, D-Calif. “He curried favor with a lot of retired hardcore kids in Nassau County by claiming to be in studio 8H that night, but a quick fact check shows he was born nearly seven years later. This man should be impeached, this man should be punished, and this man should be brought in front of a hardcore tribunal of New York crews to see what happens when you lie about being part of NYHC history.”

Christopher Santucci, a former merch guy for The Movielife, admits to voting for Santos based on the lies he told on the campaign trail.

“You know I think it’s time for a change in New York politics and I was buying what this guy was selling. I went to one of his campaign events and he brought up how he’s ‘a New York hardcore kid through and through.’ He played YouTube footage of the set and claimed he was the guy carrying the pumpkin onto the stage before it cuts to commercial,” said Santucci. “I had no reason to doubt him, but now I’m wondering if all the other things he said were a lie. Like how he was the one that convinced Raybeez to stop using drugs, and that he was the original drummer of Youth of Today before Mike Judge took over.”

Rep.-elect Santos defended his statements about the SNL incident and claims his words have been deliberately misconstrued.

“What people are failing to understand is I never said I was there in person. I said ‘I felt like I was there that night’ because I was one of the first people to watch the video when it was uploaded to YouTube in 2010,” said Santos. “I feel like most people are missing the point here. In that video we have clear evidence of hardcore establishment elite Ian MacKaye screaming ‘New York sucks’ and as soon as I’m in Congress I’m going to hold him accountable for defamation of a great city.”

At press time, allegations that Santos lost four employees in a 2008 crowdkilling incident at a Shattered Realm show in Philadelphia are also under investigation.