Every Depeche Mode Album Ranked

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Depeche Mode is one of the greatest synth groups of all time, with a fan base that ranges from goths with a background in theater to theater kids who had a goth phase. The core duo of singer Dave Gahan and songwriter/head weirdo Martin Gore (along with Vince Clarke, Alan Wilder, and the late Andy Fletcher) arguably created the entire darkwave genre, fusing the bright synth-pop of their early years with anthemic stadium rock and goth balladry into a wholly unique sound. Over the course of their lengthy career, the band has produced a number of iconic, genre-defining hits, but all albums about being a skinny dude who likes to wear leather harnesses are not created equal. As such, we locked ourselves in our bedrooms with a bunch of red wine, turned out the lights, and ranked them all.

15. Spirit (2017)

Depeche Mode has often been dismissed as a cultural lightweight, alternatingly for producing mindless pop music or for melodramatically gloomy dirges. It’s pretty weird that the band decided to hit back against that image a full fourteen albums in, producing the politically strident, musically soporific “Spirit.” It’s as if this collection of millionaire goth rock stars were trying to outdo U2 in terms of earnest, Marxist-lite songs about climate change and the Arab Spring, only to somehow wind up even more embarrassing. We’re not saying Depeche Mode needs to stick to songs about weird sexual power dynamics, but if they wanted to get political, the time to do so was a long time before this.

Play It Again: “No More (This Is the Last Time)”
Skip It: “Poorman” (Hey, nobody ever said Martin Gore was subtle)

14. Delta Machine (2013)

By the 2000s, Depeche Mode’s new album release strategy had become pretty rote: the new collection of songs would be described as the most lyrically personal ever, while returning to their seductively dark analog roots. However, that doesn’t mean that said songs can’t be boring as fuck, like in the case of “Delta Machine,” an album saddled with a title that should rightfully belong to a knockoff Robert Ludlum novel. The band’s thirteenth album is pretty much the definition of resting on one’s laurels, with even the best tracks little but distant reminder of what heights DM can rise to when they’re bothered to.

Play It Again: “Heaven”
Skip It: “Should Be Higher”

13. Memento Mori (2023)

It’s difficult not to read the shocking death of Andy Fletcher into “Memento Mori,” the album released after the longtime member (and reported peacemaker of the band) passed away due to a heart condition. But Depeche Mode has always been inclined to an absurd level of morbid introspection (or navel-gazing, depending on who you ask), so who’s to say how much that truly affected the album? At the very least, the addition of the Psychedelic Furs’ Richard Butler as a co-songwriter added some much-needed fresh blood to the mix, resulting in some of the band’s most energetic music in years.

Play It Again: “Ghosts Again”
Skip It: “Caroline’s Monkey” (the song isn’t great, but the title is awful)

12. Exciter (2001)

Sometimes it’s easy to tell when a band is ready to cash in on accumulated fan appreciation and just try to recycle the hits. For Depeche Mode, that’s 2001’s “Exciter,” a tired-sounding album that saw the group semi-reusing title ideas like “Freelove” (see: “Strangelove”) and “The Sweetest Condition” (i.e., “The Sweetest Perfection Part 2”). This is a consummately professional album, in that its production sounds about as good as the band ever has and has very little under the hood.

Play It Again: “I Feel Loved”
Skip It: “Comatose”

11. Playing the Angel (2005)

While it’s not going to break the top ten list of any sane Depeche Mode fan, “Playing the Angel” at least sounds like Gore and Gahan weren’t actively falling asleep in the studio. After “Exciter,” we’d take anything we can get, which made the unexpectedly harsh noise blast of opener “A Pain I’m Used To” that much more exciting. Some of that likely has to do with Gahan being allowed to contribute songs for the first time, presumably having years of work stocked up for the day Gore stopped shoving him in a locker after vocals were recorded.

Play It Again: “Precious”
Skip It: “John the Revelator”

10. Sounds of the Universe (2009)

“Sounds of the Universe” picks up on the resurgent energy of “Playing the Angel” and takes it a step further, right down to the opening wave of discordant synth noise on the lead track “In Chains.” Pound for pound, it’s the strongest of Depeche Mode’s latter-day albums, with Gore and Gahan seeming like equals in the studios for perhaps the first time. In particular, the singer sounds in great form, even if someone should have told him that shouting “WRONG” over and over doesn’t constitute a catchy chorus.

Play It Again: “In Chains”
Skip It: “Spacewalker”

9. A Broken Frame (1982)

Legendarily, when original bandleader Vince Clarke decided to piss off and start Yaz, the rest of Depeche Mode essentially shrugged and figured they didn’t really need the guy who wrote all the songs anyway. For a band of teenagers unexpectedly having to throw together a sophomore album on their lonesomes, “A Broken Frame” is shockingly strong. The darkness that would eventually become caricature seeps in here, but it’s also the work of a band not quite sure exactly what they’ll be yet.

Play It Again: “Leave in Silence”
Skip It: “Satellite”

8. Ultra (1997)

“Ultra” came after Depeche Mode’s titanic commercial successes of the early 1990s, when they transformed from a popular but critically derided synth group to one of the biggest bands in the world. It also came after the departure of Alan Wilder and Gahan’s near-fatal heroin overdose, so it’s safe to say that these were some tumultuous times. It can’t be denied that the eerie groove of “It’s Not Good” is one of the best the band has ever produced, while “Home” sees one of Gore’s finest-ever vocal performances. The band might have been fucked up at the time, but they could still bring it in 1997.

Play It Again: “It’s No Good”
Skip It: “Uselink”

7. Construction Time Again (1983)

By 1983, Depeche Mode was solidifying into the gloomy, infectiously dance behemoth it would become, and “Construction Time Again” is the proof. Alan Wilder joined the band, bringing in a new level of musical sophistication with his arrangments, while Gore’s songwriting leveled up significantly, particularly on the ridiculously catchy opener “Love, in Itself” and the anthemic “Everything Counts.” After the departure of Clarke, DM was getting weird with some of its experimental sounds, which would eventually lead to even greater gains, but not quite yet.

Play It Again: “Love, in Itself”
Skip It: “The Landscape Is Changing”

Honorable Mention: Get the Balance Right! (1983)

This standalone single is debatably their greatest and most representative work of the period, a perfect suspnesion of post-disco rhythm, Gore’s knack for synth hooks, and Gahan’s increasingly layered, seductive vocals. In other words, it fucking rocks.

 

 

 

 

 

6. Songs of Faith and Devotion (1993)

“Songs of Faith and Devotion” is the sound of a band at the absolute peak of its powers, beginning to lose the plot. Despite Gahan’s increasing descent into addiction, the band’s sense of alienation from each other, and the risk of emerging alternative rock turning their synth-heavy sound passé, the songs on this album are some of the most powerful they’ve ever produced, from the gloomy balladry of “In Your Room” to the gospel-inflected “Condemnation” to the chilly hooks of “Walking in My Shoes.” They have pretty much never been quite this good again, but at least we got this before things got really bad for a while.

Play It Again: “Walking in My Shoes”
Skip It: “Rush”

5. Speak & Spell (1981)

The only album to feature original Depeche Mode mastermind Vince Clarke (also the guy behind Yaz, Erasure, the Assembly, and that one song that goes duh-duh-duh-duh that you can’t get out of your head), “Speak & Spell” is a bit different from the rest. While the irrepressibly effervescent, immortal bop “Just Can’t Get Enough” essentially defines the sound of the original Depeche Mode, there’s enough edge to tracks like “Boys Say Go!” and “Nodisco” that the sharp turn into darkness ahead is not out of nowhere. C’mon, they already had a song called “I Sometimes Wish I Was Dead,” is it all that shocking they went goth?

Play It Again: “Just Can’t Get Enough”
Skip It: “What’s Your Name?”

4. Some Great Reward (1984)

We’ll admit this first, just to get it out of the way: the lyrics to “People Are People” are pretty fucking stupid; even Martin Gore says so. However, the music is as leanly muscular and undeniably catchy as anything the 1980s produced, as is the rest of the album. Try listening to the robotic call-and-response intro of “Master and Servant” and not be astounded by the sheer weirdness of the band at the time. Then sit back and enjoy, perv.

Play It Again: “Blasphemous Rumours”
Skip It: “Stories of Old”

 

3. Black Celebration (1986)

Okay, this is where Depeche Mode stopped fucking around and dived fully into the guilt-sex-drenched psychodrama that has defined the band ever since. “Black Celebration” is 11 tracks of unceasingly gripping melancholia and festering shame, but y’know, in a cool way. Songs like the chugging creep of “Stripped” and “Fly on the Windscreen – Final” are high points for the band, not just an album, while Gore took lead vocals on nearly half the tracks, including the heartbreaking insecurity ballad “A Question of Lust.” The band would make far bigger (both in terms of sales and in sheer sonic grandeur) albums, but never a better one.

Play It Again: “Stripped”
Skip It: “It Doesn’t Matter Two”

2. Music for the Masses (1987)

“Music for the Masses” took everything Depeche Mode had done up to that point and cranked it up to 11, then said fuck it, and cranked it up even higher. The band’s sixth album is a massive step up in pretty much every way imaginable, which is especially impressive coming immediately after the triumph of “Black Celebration.” The darkness, the incredible pop hooks, the blend of guitar rock, industrial noise, and synth-pop; all hit a new peak on this album, with all the corresponding fame and success that comes along. Most importantly, Gore finally nailed how to write an anthem that would make a packed stadium sing along, the key part of any world-demolishing group of rock gods.

Play It Again: “Never Let Me Down Again”
Skip It: “I Want You Now”

1. Violator (1990)

Very few bands get to make a completely perfect statement. For Depeche Mode, it’s “Violator,” the album they will forever (and correctly) known for. There’s really no way to describe the album other than the moment of every element of the band hitting full capacity at the same moment, and achieving a sound unlike anyone else. Nobody else was making something like the bizarre obsessive blues riff and electronic beat of “Personal Jesus” or the ineffable delicacy of “Waiting for the Night.” Nobody else created the insanely compelling intensity of “Halo” or “Policy of Truth,” let alone made their bruised, over-the-top emotionality somehow feel right and true. You think any other band could have made “Enjoy the Silence?” Don’t be silly.

Play It Again: “Enjoy the Silence” (Of course it is)
Skip It: Nope.

What We’re Listening To This Week

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Dozens of new songs, if not more, are hurled into the void of the internet every day, never to be seen or heard from again. Seemingly with good reason. Why listen to new music when your favorite band released your favorite album fifteen years ago? Listen, we don’t want to seem like alarmists, but every time you don’t listen to a new song, climate change gets closer to the point of no return. Fixing the planet is your responsibility and your responsibility alone. Before you get overwhelmed, we’ve listed some of the best new songs and summer classics we’ve been spinning to avoid all of the wildfire smoke that is mostly your fault. Feel free to thank us when we can all go outside again.

Ghost “We Don’t Need Another Hero”

We aren’t too cool to admit we like a little bit of Ghost over here, and you shouldn’t be either. If you’re unfamiliar and looking for a good entryway, you might as well start with the confoundingly goofy covers EP they released a couple of weeks back called, ‘Phantomime.’ In addition to tackling classic tracks from Television, Genesis, and Iron Maiden, the band also gifted us this amazingly fun rendition of the late Tina Turner’s ‘We Don’t Need Another Hero.’ You definitely don’t want to miss this one. You’re allowed to smile every once in a while.

Queens of the Stone Age “Carnavoyeur”

Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘Carnavoyeur’ as ‘a person who enjoys watching people eat meat’ or, ‘someone who secretly observes carnivals, perhaps from a hill overlooking the grounds.’ Just kidding. ‘Carnavoyeur’ isn’t a real word, a good pun, or a respectable song title. What it is, however, is an excellent new single from Queens of the Stone Age’s forthcoming album, ‘In Times New Roman…’ (also not their best title). Questionable monikers aside, this single rips, and it coincides with the band’s recent North American tour announcement. Since your town is being intentionally skipped again, you’ll have to make do with imagining how great this one probably sounds live.

Royal Blood “Mountains At Midnight”

West Sussex’s Royal Blood is back after discovering more riffs to throw in our faces. You may have missed this new release considering the recent blowback from their notably polite breakdown at Radio 1’s Big Weekend a few weeks ago. ICYMI, bassist Mike Kerr asked the unenthused festival crowd if they knew what ‘rock and roll’ was with the energy of your ninth-grade English teacher. He proceeded to gingerly set his bass down and brandish two middle fingers at the audience. They likely would have been pissed had they been paying attention. Once you lift your jaw off the floor after reading that shocking account of a mortifying event, give their new single ‘Mountains At Midnight’ a try.

PUP “How To Live With Yourself”/“Smoke Screen”

Coming down from the high of last year’s incredible album, ‘The Unraveling,’ Toronto’s emo-punk heroes, PUP, have surprise-released two brand new B-Sides from the record. ‘How To Live With Yourself’ and ‘Smoke Screen.’ Backed with fuzz guitars and careful arrangements that would make ‘Pinkerton’ shit itself, these songs manage to dig deeper into emotional depths than even the band’s 2022 record could go. Perhaps these tracks were deemed too heady for the aforementioned album, or maybe the band thought it better for you to have something to do this summer.

FIDLAR “West Coast”

FIDLAR is currently dangling the hope of a new full-length in front of our drooling faces. Their newest EP, ‘Don’t Fuck With… Vol 2’ is such a return to form that we won’t be satisfied until we get at least eighteen more songs in the same vein. Until then, we’ll have to settle for their older material. Since the air is attempting to kill us right now in several parts of the country, we’ve been playing a lot of THPS to kill time. Every single time this song comes on we get so excited that we almost break our controllers and ruin the sick manual combo we had going. When it’s safe to drive with the windows down again, we know the first song we’ll be blasting.

feeble little horse “Freak”

When we last wrote about Pittsburgh’s feeble little horse, we predicted their sophomore record ‘Girl With Fish’ would be stellar. While we are often wrong about these sorts of things, we hit the nail on the fucking head here. If Sebahdo had been abducted by aliens in 1994 and dropped back down to Earth directly into a recording studio with all their newfound extra-terrestrial knowledge, they likely wouldn’t even come close to the massive sounds feeble little horse are producing today. Give the first ten seconds of the opening track ‘Freak’ a chance and we guarantee the next thirty minutes of your life will be more eventful than the preceding five years.

We promised you some summer classics, and we sure as shit aren’t gonna have you walking around town calling us fucking liars. We asked our staff to list their favorite jams to celebrate the approaching season in which we all become sweaty and gross while desperately trying to look like we’re having fun. Here are a few to throw on your next beach playlist. Just make sure you play them super loud so the people around you can have a bad time too.

Jonathan Richman “That Summer Feeling”

This one might feel a little on the nose, but there’s no better way to celebrate warmer, longer, and sunnier days than thinking about how you may have squandered your entire fucking life. Nostalgia is said to be hip, so why not go whole hog and think about your middle school crush and how you fucking blew it. A trend that proved to continue through the present day. It doesn’t all have to be doom and gloom, though. There’s a faster Modern Lovers version that will make you just as sad, but with a killer backbeat that might just make you dance or maybe just sway a little bit.

TWRP “Under The Sun”

We’re pretty sure AI is going to take over the world soon, but instead of being scared little Chicken Little shits, we figure we may as well start learning to cater to our new robot overlords. This song has a fuckton of talkbox, so we’re pretty sure we have a leg up when the shit really goes down. While we can’t be sure what the lyrics are, chances are the final form of ChatGPT will. With any luck, the monstrosity of our own hubris will hear the futuristic sounds and spare us. Also, it sounds pretty summery too, if robots like the beach.

Cerebral Ballzy “On The Run”

This song was featured as a needle drop in the latest Spider-Man movie, which reminded one of our writers that Cerebral Ballzy existed. They haven’t shut up about them since, regaling us with stories of blasting their record on serene summer drives. We can’t blame them. The album that features this track came out in 2013, a full three years before everything started going to shit. Or at least before we noticed everything was going to shit. Anyway, be sure to spin this one if you want to be whisked away to simpler times for approximately two minutes.

Thursday “Standing On The Edge of Summer”

As temperatures climb and your seasonal affective disorder slowly dissipates, it’s important not to shock your system with overtly sunny music right out the gate. You don’t want to go too happy too quickly unless you’re trying to pull something. This track by Thursday can help bridge the gap with its combination of explosive drums, danceable guitars, and depressing as fuck lyrics. One of our editors called this one his ‘essential summer jam’ and we really hope he’s okay.

10 Freakfolk Songs That Will Make You Want to Take Part In Ritual Sacrifice This Summer

Posted on by Elanna White

Ah, summer. Many people may deem October as the spooky month but there’s something mystically carnal about the warm season. Something that makes you want to take your clothes off and run through the woods under a full moon. So here are 10 freak folk bangers to play this summer that will make you want to take part in ritual sacrifice.

Jessica Pratt “Bushel Hyde” 

Featuring the first witchy-voiced human on this list, “Bushel Hyde” by Jessica Pratt is a serene tune about a lost realm. Listening to Pratt’s ghostly voice delicately sing “Words mean more than they did before in that other place” will be sure to have you translating an ancient tongue in a cave somewhere forbidden.

Julia Brown “I Wanna Be A Witch” 

Comprised of Teen Suicide alums, the obscure and now defunct band, Julia Brown seemed to often sing about the occult. “I Wanna Be A Witch” is a song about wanting to get high with your lover in your bedroom during a rainstorm and one can only imagine the closet shrines and blood oaths that would ensue.

Animal Collective “Leaf House”

By the band that practically invented the genre, “Leaf House” by Animal Collective will leave you in a trance. A song about a long-forgotten house and the creatures that could inhabit it if only things were different, its ritualistic melodies will have you searching for your new familiar.

Timber Timbre “Demon Host” 

An eerie folk tale disguised as a simple tune, “Demon Host” by Timber Timbre will chill you to your core. A song about a person grappling with the existence of what we cannot see, this track will surely be a hit at your solstice seance.

Best Friends Forever “Ghost Song” 

Perhaps the most freak punk leaning of this list, “Ghost Song” is a song by the fairly unknown Best Friends Forever about falling deeply, madly and lustfully in love with a specter. It features the exquisite phrase, “ghost baby daddy,” I mean what else is there to say?

Alex G “Poison Root” 

A song rich with banjos and fiddles, “Poison Root” by Alex G is hypnotizing yet simple story-wise. You find a poison root deep in a wood, put it in your tea and voila! Now you know everything.

Joanna Sternberg “You Have Something Special” 

From rising indie folk darling, Joanna Sternberg, “You Have Something Special” is a song about pushing back against those who’ve done you harm. A simple piano tune set to some heart wrenching lyrics, you won’t be able to get this one out of your head as you snip the pigtail off your enemy and skip home to start that revenge curse.

Modest Mouse “Dancehall” 

The most chaotic on the list, “Dancehall” by Modest Mouse is sure to be a hit during any summertime bacchanalia. High energy and guttural, this song will leave you craving the food and mirth of the fairy realm while you pirouette through the night.

Attic Abasement “A Werewolf”  

Haunting and minimalist, “A Werewolf” by Attic Abasement is a song about succumbing to the beast within. With lyrics that include “Try to tear it into the day and we could colonize the night” this track will have you howling at the moon.

Joanna Newsom “Peach Plum Pear”  

The coup de grace by the queen of the genre herself, “Peach, Plum, Pear” by Joanna Newsom has it all. Is it the slightly out of tune harpsichord or the layered vocals that resemble a children’s chorus? Or perhaps the imagery of sweet stone fruit matched with galloping at sunset? Either way, “Peach, Plum, Pear” will make your bloodletting ceremony the event of the summer and the talk of the coven for years to come.

Mumford & Sons Top Fan Badge Not the Kind of Achievement Man Was Hoping For

Posted on by Rob Ryder

ARLINGTON, Va. – Tyler Rustman, a promising 28-year-old professional with endless potential was handed a sudden jolt of reality when he received a ‘Top Fan’ invitation from Mumford & Sons on Facebook, confirmed multiple disappointed sources.

“My life has been nothing but hard work, I’ve busted my ass and thought I was moving up in life,” said Rustman while visibly holding back tears. “I really felt like everything was going my way, a great job, awesome car, a condo in the hottest neighborhood in town. Usually my notifications are just invitations to club openings or old friends. But no, it was something I could’ve never imagined. A Mumford & Sons Top Fan badge. I couldn’t believe it. It made me question every decision I’ve ever made, whether it be in real life or online. I’ve been in a fog for days.”

Mumford & Sons Webmaster Greg Chen, who was tasked with boosting the band’s online presence, says Top Fan badges have been a hard sell.

“Other pages I’ve managed are using a specific algorithm to pick Top Fans, typically based on comments, likes, and interaction with ads. For us, that threshold is pretty low. The average interaction with this page seems to be people who accidentally click the band’s name in a festival lineup. Once our page is on your screen you have about 10 seconds to click away before we get you.” said Chen. “When I accepted this job I figured it would be a challenge, but Jesus, I had no clue.”

Upon realizing his situation, Rustman immediately called his Life Coach, Courtney Burns, who has mentored him since his arrival in the Washington D.C. area.

“When Tyler first reach out to me I seriously thought he had murdered a prostitute. But this… this is way worse. I’ve seen people bounce back from a lot of shit, but this would take one hell of a magic trick to recover. This will be stapled to every job application he turns in for the rest of his life,” said Burns. “I have pretty strict rules for my mentees and I pick winners…I pick those who really will succeed in this town. I have occasionally worked with some pretty shady people, even a few Creed fans. But even I have a limit.”

At press time, sources stated Rustman was desperately trying to remove Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin” from his 15-year-old iPod Nano, just in case.

5 Best Tips on How to Politely Tell Your Siblings To Stop Having Children

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Okay, let me address the fact that the headline you clicked to read this article may have sounded a little harsh. But we also said, “Politely Tell Your Siblings to Stop Having Children,” so don’t be such a thin-skinned whiny crybaby.

And that’s what we’re here to talk about: babies. Or the lack thereof.

You certainly love your brother and/or sister, and the nieces and/or nephews they have given you. But you know you can’t in good consciousness cheer on the fact that they need more. Or maybe they don’t have any at all, and are thinking about bringing a child into this world for the first time? Here are some nice, simple ways to let them know how awful of an idea that is.

Is It Really Feasible to Have More Kids in This Economy?
Listen, you just want what’s best for your potential niece or nephew, and your brother’s salary as manager of the golf department at Dick’s Sporting Goods probably isn’t going to provide the means for a life they truly deserve.


It Sucks, But Having More Kids Means Less Time to Do Stuff You Want to Do.
Remember the next great screenplay you always wanted to write? Well, you can throw that, along with any other creative endeavors you’ve wanted to do, right into the shitter. That is, unless you have some sort of creative spark 18 years down the road, but at that point it’ll just be sad.

Ugh, Can You Imagine Never Being Able to Sleep Soundly Ever Again?
This one’s a no-brainer. Sleep is the best thing ever on this planet, arguably even more so than finger foods and malt liquor. Remember all those horrible sleepless nights you had with your first child? Is having another one worth looking like, and acting like shit towards everyone because you’re sleepy all the time? For the sake of everyone in this family, please say it’s not.

Having Children is Not Good for the Health of Our Planet.
More kids mean more dirty diapers. More dirty diapers means more junk stuffed into some massive garbage mound that sticks out of this island we call Earth like a festering ass boil. It’s really up to parents to help reduce the human race’s carbon footprint, and a few used condoms are much less detrimental to our planet’s health than an entire human carbon footprint.

What If They Grow Up to Be a Serial Murderer? Wouldn’t That Suck?
I don’t know about you, but I’d feel terrible if my son or daughter grew up to be the next Hillside Strangler. Imagine being the parent of the subject of some dork’s true crime podcast 40 years down the road. Is that little bundle of joy truly worth that risk? Something every potential parent with a conscience should ask themselves.

Rob Zombie Assures Carvana Rep that Dragula Worth More than $5,000

Posted on by Ben Friedman

KENT, Conn. — Film director and musician Rob Zombie reportedly lost his temper with a representative of Carvana when he was offered a paltry $5,000 for his beloved Dragula, neighbors confirmed.

“The last few movies didn’t so do hot so I have to offload some of my cars, but there is no way I’m taking beater car money for the fucking Dragula. You see these vintage gaslights on the side doors? That’s not stock man, I had a guy in Romania custom install those and that alone was two grand,” said Zombie. “I thought Carvana employed car experts, but this dork is standing in front of a one-of-a-kind Model T and acting like it’s a 1997 Honda Civic. It’s barely been driven, it’s got only 666 miles on it. Anything less than $40,000 and he’s getting locked in my basement.”

Greg Phillips, the Carvana representative who came to inspect the car, explained that their offer was based solely on the condition of the car and not its esteem.

“To be fair, we were initially prepared to pay much more based on what he filled out on the form. I understand Mr. Zombie’s reverence for this car, famous as it is. But from a financial standpoint it is literally Frankensteined together from vehicles that no longer exist. On top of that, there seems to be multiple body-sized dents on the hood, obvious evidence of unsavory peoples fucking in the backseat, and the windshield wipers are shot,” said Phillips. “While I am about two seconds away from shitting my pants in fear of the aura this car is giving off, I have to stand by our initial offer of five thousand dollars. Anything more and my supervisor will throw a shitfit.”

Used vehicle experts say that a vehicle’s acclaim does not always equate to being valuable.

“We get a lot of private collectors who think they’re sitting on a hefty payday, but their judgment is usually clouded by nostalgia. I’ve seen lots of Deloreans and Ecto-1s, but I’ve seen even more Herbie the Love Bugs and General Lees’. You know, cars no rational person would ever drive,” said Kelly Blue Book assessor Wendy Smith. “Most of them end up being clunkers anyway, especially the Dragula as it looks like it’s been to hell and back. Don’t get me wrong, it looks absolutely badass. But there really isn’t a market for an evil Munster Mobile.”

After hours of negotiating, Carvana agreed to pay Zombie $20,000 for the Dragula if he also threw in the Cadillac from the “Thunder Kiss ‘65” video.

Every Cave In Album Ranked

Posted on by Trevor Graham

In the late ‘90s, basic metalcore started to evolve into something else with more intricate songwriting, odd-time signatures, and even some actual musicianship. The heavy hitters in the scene were the three big C’s – Converge, Coalesce, and Cave In (The fourth on the Mount Rushmore of ‘90s mathcore being either Botch or Dillinger Escape Plan, we’ll let you argue it out in the comments. Also: MotherFUCK the actual Mount Rushmore.) And while Cave In diverged off the metal path, they quickly formed their own unique sound with undeniable musical creativity and talent. We spent a lot of sleepless nights (actually just one night) getting sucked into the event horizon of their impressive spacey catalog and have emerged on the other side as an enlightened celestial being ready to share our knowledge. (P.S. Stop using Mt. Rushmore as an example of good things.)

7. Antenna (2003)

Neckbeard-y hot take incoming: This is the least Cave In sounding Cave In album. How many times have you seen this story? Band known for a certain sound gets signed to major label, releases a too-polished, overly-produced album that does not appeal to wider middle America audience while simultaneously alienating their core fans. “But… but… isn’t this their most popular album?” Yes, and “The Phantom Menace” was the highest-grossing movie of all time until “Avatar” came out and those are both terrible.

Play it again: “Seafrost” and “Breath of Water” These actually sound like outtakes from “Jupiter”
Skip it: “Penny Racer” We bet some record label exec told them they needed an alt radio-friendly hit and they tried to eek one out.

6. Final Transmission (2019)

This is a mixed bag of unfinished demos that possibly never got to be refined due to the sudden death of bassist Caleb Scofield. There are still great moments here though, some with an understandably somber tone. On “Shake My Blood” the band’s love of Failure is put on full display. Given time this could’ve been one of their best releases.

Play it again: “Shake My Blood” and “Winter Window”
Skip it: “Lanterna” Sounds like a first draft of something that needed some rewriting

 

5. Heavy Pendulum (2022)

Ok, let’s start with the good news. Cave In are still active and put out an album in 2022, Nate Newton from Converge, Jesuit, and Doomriders amongst others is now playing bass and doing the screaming vocals, the first two songs are absolute ragers. Things start to get a little hit-or-miss afterward though. It’s tough to put on our finger on it but something just feels off in some of these songs. You know like when the cast of an old TV show does some hamfisted reunion and you can just tell everyone is just tired and maybe a little strung out? It’s kinda like that.

Play it again: “New Reality,” “Blood Spille,r” and “Careless Offering.” Too bad there aren’t more songs like these
Skip it: “Waiting For Love” The riffs are there but man, the whole thing just makes us uncomfortable

4. Perfect Pitch Black (2005)

After their brief stint on major label RCA, Cave In spent a year or so licking their wounds from the experience and returned to their home on Hydra Head and to a sound closer to what many fans remembered. They rediscovered the heavier metalcore sound mixed with the spacey operatic elements while dialing up the experimental weirdness a bit. Most bands after their big-time record deal falls apart typically break off to do self-indulgent solo projects or even worse, form a “supergroup.” Luckily they were able to course-correct here though and avoid the cringey burnout phase.

Play it again: “Trepanning” Fuck yeah
Skip it: “Tension in the Ranks” Uh-oh, was this leftover from “Antenna”?

Honorable Mention: Beyond Hypothermia (1998)

Not included in the ranking since it isn’t a studio album but a collection of their first hardcore-era 7”s and various songs from compilations with a revolving door of vocalists. Most of these songs were written while the band was still in high school which is astonishing when you think about how most high school bands sound like the inside of a Guitar Center on some kind of “play all of our instruments at once” day.

Play it again: “Crossbearer” We dare you to find a hotter opening song
Skip it: “Crambone” Or at least skip the first 8 minutes until the Metallica medley starts

3. White Silence (2011)

For many die-hard followers of Cave In, this was their least favorite release on first listen. But just like how George Costanza was able to get a woman to be interested in him by repeatedly dropping a little earworm “Cuh-STAN-za,” this started to grow on people also. (Seinfeld references are still relevant, right?) They went to a weirdo realm on this but kept that shit heavy. Stephen Brodsky takes a bit of a backseat on vocals here and lets Scofield’s screams do the heavy (pun intended) lifting.

Play it again: “Vicious Circles”
Skip it: “Iron Decibels” We appreciate it but, nah

2. Jupiter (2000)

A year prior to “Jupiter” Cave In released the “Creative Eclipses” EP which teased out a new direction the band was heading in musically. “Jupiter” picks up right where “Eclipses” left off and yes, the mosh parts and the screaming were gone but what was left was something entirely new. And much like its namesake Jupiter, the album feels like a massive presence with weight that draws you into its orbit of celestial violence and beauty. (Dear reader, please submit the last line of this blurb to the fine folks who hand out the Pulitzer Prize, they are going to shit themselves.)

Play it again: “Big Riff”
Skip it: Trying to get all Pitchfork-y in your album reviews

1. Until Your Heart Stops (1998)

We’re ending this ranking with their first album which probably seems like we’re just being lazy in our writing but (need joke here). After burning through a few frontmen, the group became a four-piece and Brodsky took over vocal duties on both singing and screaming for the first and only time. Not many in the mathy metalcore genre of the time could’ve pulled off an ambitious 8-minute epic space odyssey like “The End of Our Rope is a Noose” without it being a catastro-fucking-phe but Cave In sure did it.

Play it again: The whole thing – even the “Segue” songs
Skip it: Being a lazy Hard Times writer who can’t even end a review without (need another joke here)

These 20 Metal Albums Turn 40 This Year, So If You Can Remember When They Were Released You Need to Schedule A Colonoscopy

Posted on by Chris Bowen

1983 was a monster year for heavy metal. It’s arguably the most important year for the entire genre. Why? Mainly because of the fact it’s the year a colossal number of iconic and influential metal records were unleashed onto its bloodthirsty fanbase.

You might be saying, “1983? That was like, 100 years ago!” And if you are saying that, you’re wrong because it was only 40 years ago. Regardless of how wrong you are, the majority of these classic records have, and will continue to stand the test of time. Whether you’re an old 50-something head who “was there MAAAAN,” or a “30-something poser” because you weren’t there, such as myself, this list of 20 metal masterpieces turning 40 years old in 2023 should be celebrated by every headbanger.

Dokken “Breaking the Chains”

Although not their best album, Dokken’s first record “Breaking the Chains” is a fantastic debut by THE band your drunk, mulleted uncle who reeks like Camel Unfiltered cigarettes is most certainly still “rockin” like.

 

Slayer “Show No Mercy”

Before leaving Hell in the spring of 1983, Slayer allegedly told Satan,”Sorry we can’t stay, but we have to release one of the greatest heavy metal records ever recorded, but we’ll be sure to visit!” And they did (not sure about visiting Lucifer).

 

Metallica “Kill Em’ All”

The birth of thrash metal? One of Metallica’s only four good albums? Metallica’s only good album? Just a bunch of Diamond Head riffs turned up at 100 mph? Whatever you say about Metallica’s iconic first record, you must admit it’s pretty essential.

 

Saxon “Power and the Glory”

Even though Saxon has many albums under their belt, 83’s “Power and the Glory” is considered to be their last “great album.” Speaking of great, Biff Byford is one of the coolest, most humble people in classic metal. Now that’s a guy you just want to share a pint and eat tinned tomatoes with, or something.

Dio “Holy Diver”

Come on, it’s fucking Dio. Holy Diver?! Do I really need to say anything else here? Rainbow in the Dark? Come on! Dio?! He did the hand….thi…the…hand, he did metal fingers!! That was Dio!

 

Accept “Balls to the Wall”

Accept comes from the country of Germany, which in my opinion, had the best heavy metal bands of the entire 1980s. Accept being one of them. Also one more thing: the little stunt dummy of Udo Dirkschneider riding the wrecking ball in the “Balls to the Wall” video.

 

Raven “All for One”

NWOBHM legends Raven put out arguably their best record in 1983. That’s really saying a lot considering how great their catalog is. Plus even them being in their 50s, to this day, they make bands half their age look like U2 in comparison.

 

Battleaxe “Burn This Town”

Awesome album from the year of 1983, with an album cover that looks like it was done by a 3-year-old. But there’s a certain charm to it, no? Yeah, I know the answer is no, but the album deserves a spot on this list regardless!

 

Mercyful Fate “Melissa”

Mercyful. Fucking. Fate. “Melissa” is one of those, “So glad this album exists” albums. Plus the title track is about an actual human skull King Diamond owned that was stolen from him. Happy birthday Melissa,*whispering* if you’re still with us.

 

Motörhead “Another Perfect Day”

In 1983, Brian Robertson of Thin Lizzy joined Lemmy and crew to make Motörhead’s most unique album at that time. I heard they kicked him out of the band because he always wore funny pants.

 

Iron Maiden “Piece of Mind”

“You Take My Life, Well I’ll Take Yours Too!” Words penned by one of metal’s greatest bands to help every 9th-grade student in AP history class remember what the fuck the Crimean War was.

 

Torch “S/T”

Sweden is known the world over for two things: one, their meatballs, and two, the band Torch. Actually, that might just be me. But at any rate, check out this record if you’re unfamiliar with it.

 

Trance “Power Infusion”

Not a super well-known record by any means, and that’s tragic. The album cover has a dude shooting up his arm with a Marshall amp head. In a perfect world, that cover would be on our nation’s flag, in a perfect world.

 

Exciter “Heavy Metal Maniac”

Speed metal kings from Canada Exciter are just one of maybe 10,000 metal bands who borrowed their name from a Judas Priest song. Essential listening.

 

Thin Lizzy “Thunder and Lightning”

Now, I’m not much into the idea of dying, or even the idea of climbing any sort of hill, but Thin Lizzy is THE greatest band of all time, and that’s a hill I am 100% willing to die on. And when the buzzards pick my rotting corpse apart on said hill, I’ll be fine so long as “The Sun Goes Down” is echoing throughout the land.

Savatage “Sirens”

“Sirens” is one of the U.S.A.’s finest heavy metal moments, and almost makes up for Bon Jovi, almost.

 

 

Satan “Court in the Act”

Can you believe it took all the way until 1983 for a band called Satan to release a full length album? Sorry Testament fans, but there’s only one true “Trial by Fire” and it’s on “Court in the Act.”

 

Grim Reaper “See You in Hell”

This album is an absolute classic. Beavis and Butthead were wrong. This isn’t the first time I’ve been staunchly opposed to music opinions of cartoon characters from two decades ago, and it won’t be the last.

 

Tank “This Means War”

This year we lost the legendary Tank frontman Algy Ward. Although not as iconic as their debut, “War” is definitely on par with it. RIP Algy.

 

 

Ashbury “Endless Skies”

This record is probably the best album you’ve never heard that’s turning 40 this year. Think of it as a heavy metal Allman Brothers Band. Yeah, it is that good.

 

Honorable Mention:

Warlord “Deliver Us” EP

“Deliver Us” is one of the U.S.A.’s finest heavy metal moments, and almost makes up for Poison, almost.

Worst Co-Worker Also Best Drug Dealer

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

OKLAHOMA CITY — Employees at a local accounting firm are reportedly confounded by a recent hire who is simultaneously the worst co-worker they’ve ever had and the best drug dealer they’ve ever encountered, conflicted sources confirm.

“That dude fucked up some simple spreadsheets last week and we spent four days fixing it. He can’t take simple direction, he gets angry anytime he’s asked to do a task, and I’m pretty sure he eats all the lunches in the fridge, like six or seven a day,” said accountant Javi Cruz. “I have to work twice as much with him on staff. And then he’ll just disappear for half the day. But he sold me a bag of Xanax and some moonrocks for sixty bucks and that shit got me so fucked up that I forgot how terrible he is to work with. And the dude always has product, he even offered to deliver it to me if I’m in a pinch. On the other hand, I think he stole the office coffee maker.”

Zane Bartell, the employee in question, reports only positive interactions with co-workers while acknowledging contributing nothing in the workplace.

“Easiest job I’ve ever had. I show up late, sell a few bags of weed around the office, and take a nap in my car until lunchtime. And I keep getting paid,” said Bartell while making 1,000 photocopies of a flyer for a rave his friend is promoting. “It’s pretty hard to get fired from this company. And the guy from HR owes me money for some coke, so that helps. I basically run this place and I’m selling these people some of the worst shit I’ve ever had, I’m basically offloading my junk onto them.”

Local staffing agencies report that such employees provide a much-needed service, although it can be a burden on hard-working staff members.

“So-called ‘Slacker Plugs’ aren’t good at anything in the professional world: dress codes, being on time, not vaping at your desk,” said Tessa Winger, employment placement specialist. “But we’ve found that workplaces are more productive with a dope-slinging goldbricker or two on the team. We’ve been working on designing office spaces to attract these slackers. Hammocks in the break room, Playstations at their desks instead of pesky work computers, Kool-Aid in the kitchen, anything it takes to retain these valuable members of the team, even though they are completely inept at their assigned duties.

At press time, slacker co-workers were in talks to organize and demand increased paid vacation days in exchange for showing up with some killer hash.

3 Red Hot Chili Peppers Songs That’ll Make You Say, “Okay, That’s Enough.”

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Red Hot Chili Peppers are just a band. Sure, I’ve heard a few parts of their songs, and yeah, I might have become a little irritable listening to them, but one time, I made it through an entire Sugar Ray album without snapping. That’s some real mental fortitude.

A little RHCP can’t possibly be that bad, could it? I’ve been told it isn’t advisable to do this sort of experiment without a proper EMT on standby, so it’s not recommended you try this yourself, but really though, listening to three songs from some silly 90s rock band can’t possibly be that hazardous to your health.

“Tippa My Tongue”

It says here that the first song we’ll be hearing is a tune called…..uhhh “Tippa…..My…..Tongue.” Sounds great, let’s begin!

It starts off pretty interestingly enough with all the “yas” and such. I could see this making a few people angry and frustrated for a number of reasons, but I think I can handle it.

I believe he just said the phrase “funky monks.” Yeah, I’m starting to feel it a little already, it’s like a slight feeling of nausea. But a little Pepto-Bismol would probably take care–oh, I’m not allowed any sort of medication during this. That’s fine! I can do this! Remember, Sugar Ray album.

Okay, I’ve gotten through all 4 minutes and 21 seconds of “Tongue,” and I feel a little dizzy, but I’m good! I can’t see it really getting much worse than this.

“The Shape I’m Takin”

Next up is “The Shape I’m Takin’.” I feel like I’ve gathered myself a bit, since that last song, so let’s do this.

Oh man, this one is already worse. Why does he keep singing like he’s getting dizzy? Am I supposed to be getting dizzy with him? Because I am. It’s a fairly uncomfortable feeling. At this point, I can’t help but wonder why or how anyone would willingly put themselves through this sort of treatment. Did he just say, “Pizza turd, turd, turd?” What the fuck is going on here, man?

There’s “funk” again. Nothing he says makes sense. What are those drums doing? Is it getting really warm in here? I can’t feel my legs right now.

“Hump de Bump”

Please, I beg of you. Just give me an extra 5 minutes before we go on to the next one. I’m starting to smell burnt wires. Anyone else smell burnt wires?

Hump de what???? Please, I have kids! I have a wife! I can’t have them all knowing a couple of shitty funk rock songs brought their loving father and husband to the brink of insanity! Oh god,”Co-dependant hump de bump?!” What the fuck is that?

Uh-oh, my chest. What is this I’m feeling in my chest? I need to call 911. Ahhh, my hands are much too sweaty to hold the phone to dial myself. God it’s so hot in here. Someone PLEASE help me, I can’t do this anymore.

Make it stop, for the love of all things decent in this world, please make it STOP. I beg of you, as a grown man brought to tears, down on his knees, please just make it all STOOOOOOPPPP.