Update: Man Finally Finds Perfect Song to Close Out Mixtape for Crush Who Is Now Married With Two Kids

FREDERICK, Md. — Local single man and self-proclaimed hopeless romantic Noah Reveis has at last identified what he described as “the perfect” song to close out a mixtape started in 2011 for his crush Katie Dalharter, cringing sources report.

“The final song in your mix is the one that closes the deal — you have to take your time and get it right,” insisted Reveis, who either is in denial that Dalharter got married six years ago and is now a mother of two, or believes The Cure’s “Friday I’m in Love” will somehow make all that irrelevant. “You try finding a mixtape finale that pairs well with Radiohead, Slayer, and DMX. It’s a real painstaking process to pick out a closer that gives off a ‘let’s make out’ vibe. Either way, it’s totally going to be worth the wait when she hears this cassette and falls in love with my music curation skills.”

Dalharter, who played on a local co-ed kickball team for a few weeks with Reveis in her early 20s, initially had no memory of him.

“Noah? No idea. Wait, Noah ‘No Nuts’?!,” Dalharter asked, bouncing her giggling toddler daughter Calathea in her lap. “The backup first baseman who got so drunk after semi-finals that he cried when we lost? Okay yeah, that tracks. So he’s just been sitting there working on a playlist for me all these years. That’s sweet, albeit creepy. Great, now I have to make sure all the video security cameras in our house are up and running. Kind of a weird move, and I haven’t had a cassette player since 2007, so I’m really not sure what he’s expecting here.”

Anthropologist Lenny Sandisfield, Ph.D., said that courtship through song has a long and beautiful history, at least until Reveis came along.

“From caveman times through modern cassette era and beyond, and throughout the animal kingdom, music has always been used to attract romantic partners,” Sandisfield explained. “This delayed mixtape is the most pathetic evolution that I’ve ever heard of. It’s like if a male nightingale started warbling Bright Eyes’ ‘First Day of My Life’ at a mother bird sitting there depositing chewed-up worms in her babies’ mouths. Get a clue, buddy. He’d probably have his head bitten off. Which maybe is what should happen to this guy. Especially for picking such a total cliché song.”

At press time, Reveis was preparing to spend the next eight months deciding whether to title his completed mixtape “Songs for Katie” or “Katie’s Mix.”

Broke Punk Elated to See Favorite Band Not Touring Anywhere Near Them this Summer

SAN DIEGO — Impoverished punk Greg “Spike” Templeton couldn’t be happier that his favorite band was not touring anywhere near him this summer, relieved sources confirmed.

“You know that old trope with the landlord that’s like ‘you must pay the rent!’ and the distraught tenant on their knees that’s all ‘but I cannot pay the rent!’ begging for mercy? That’s me and NOFX every year,” said Templeton while paying his third overdraft fee this month. “It’s also me and my literal landlord every month, but that’s unrelated. It’s like taking blood from a stone, man. I can’t keep using all my hard-earned money to see these artists who have changed my life and shaped who I am as a person. I need that money for drugs.”

Ticketmaster representative Charles Stein revealed plans to get revenue from poor people one way or another.

“We’re in the process of strategically redistricting every major touring act into a route from which escape is impossible,” said Stein before cackling uninterrupted for 30 consecutive seconds. “We will take your money from you one way or another. We’ve found the golden number, by early next year no show will be more than 22.6 minutes from any town in the United States. Just enough for any customer to cave…and then BOOM we get ‘em with the redistricting fee. It’s almost too easy.”

Ticket scalpers weren’t quite helping the situation either.

“Some of these suckers are strong. They have the willpower to resist the initial wave of mainstream ticket disbursement. Mostly because they have no money,” said longtime scalper Wes Frederickson. “They think they’ve won but they don’t realize they’ve been left weak…vulnerable. They always change their mind last minute on a show and want to drive eight hours to see their favorite band play in a shithole. That’s when I come in for the kill and get them with the aftermarket, all while jacking up the price 200% because it’s sold out and I bought half of the available tickets when they were announced. Nothing better than making a profit on other peoples’ creative work.”

As a result of their show hiatus, Templeton has announced that the money saved will be just enough to purchase all the box-set rereleases of all the bands that have retired from touring.

Every Morphine Album Ranked

The “power trio” has existed forever, but no one did it like Morphine. Led by fretless two-string bass maestro Mark Sandman, with support from saxophone whiz Dana Colley and drummer Billy Conway, Boston’s low rockers cut through the deluge of the ‘90s alternative tidal wave with a groovy and ghostly sound. Though their tenure was short-lived due to Sandman’s sudden death in 1999, Morphine’s legacy is still revered, and continues to fill the nightmares of guitarists to this day.

5. Like Swimming (1997)

Like Swimming is filled with some of Morphine’s hardest moments, and is easily the band’s angriest album thanks to tracks like “Eleven O’Clock” and “I Know You (Pt. III).” Hard and loud is great and welcome, but Morphine thrives in spooky grooves, which aren’t as present here. Some out-of-place synth moments pop up sporadically too, like in “Early To Bed,” that consistently sound like someone covertly mixed in keyboard parts performed by their kid.

Play it Again: “I Know (Part III)” “Wishing Well”
Skip It: “Early To Bed”

4. Yes (1995)

Yes is an easy “Yes.” It’s got great songs back to front and rarely misses a step. You know an album is good when it has a track called “Super Sex.” A lesser musician would be given a swirly for trying to mix beat poetry into a song, but Sandman earns it on “Sharks.” Some lingering sameness to what Morphine had done before is there, but it doesn’t detract from an otherwise solid record.

Play It Again: “Yes,” “Super Sex,” “Sharks”
Skip It: “The Jury’

 

 

3. The Night (2000)

Mark Sandman’s sudden, tragic death in 1999 would spell Morphine’s end. The Night’s sessions ended shortly before Sandman’s death and the album was released posthumously in 2000 Original drummer James Deupree, who had left the band due to health issues, returned for some guest drumming. Ethereal soundscapes and a wider range of instruments demonstrate a band in their prime. Still, Pitchfork gave The Night a 5.7, because it simply was not 5.8 material.

Play It Again: “The Night,” “Rope on Fire,” “Take Me With You”
Skip It: “Top Floor,” “Bottom Buzzer”

2. Cure for Pain (1993)

“Buena” is one of a few songs that can stop you dead cold to decipher how the fuck something can sound like that. Grunge meets jazz meets blues meets fuck you, Morphine’s songs are the audio equivalent of sweet talking your way out of a field sobriety test. The band’s most accessible record, Cure For Pain is a rolling thunder sweep of great songs.

Play It Again: “Buena,” “Cure For Pain”
Skip It: “Let’s Take A Trip Together”

 

 

1. Good (1992)

Though a close race, Cure for Pain is ultimately a confirmation of Good’s success. Decisively crafted tracks that fully exploit Morphine’s stripped-down “low rock” grooves. Good is fucking ascendant, one of the few perfect first albums, but somehow never pretentious and always approachable. Morphine tracks are closer to seances than songs. Why the fuck is Mark Sandman dead but Kid Rock is still alive?

Play It Again: The whole thing, on repeat until death.
Skip It: Kid Rock’s discography.

I’m New Hampshire Sober: The Only Time I Drink Is When I’m Riding a Motorcycle with No Helmet

You’ve heard of California Sober: no drugs or alcohol except for weed and maybe the occasional psychedelic. But do you know about New Hampshire sober? No? Well, as someone who’s stone cold NH sober, let me explain it to you.

Basically, I don’t drink or do any drugs whatsoever. Nada. Zilch. Except on the rare occasion when I’m riding my Harley while taking full advantage of the freedoms afforded to me here in the Granite State by not wearing a helmet. That is the only time I ever feel in control enough to crack open a cold one.

I call it “Liberty Riding.” It’s an ode to Paul Revere, who did his “the British are coming” horse ride thing like 50 miles from here, in Taxachusetts. Little known fact, he was totally fucked up when he did that.

You’re probably wondering: How often are you doing this Liberty Riding thing? Isn’t it hard to maintain sobriety while still sometimes drinking? Like I said, it’s rare. I am definitely not doing this every day. For example, sometimes the roads are too snowy for my motorcycle. Other days I’m busy hunting or fishing. We have great wildlife here.

You might also be wondering: Isn’t drinking while riding a motorcycle illegal? To that I say, I don’t know. I purposefully have not looked it up and I don’t intend to. If I can’t have a Sam Adams or ten while the wind blows my unconstrained mullet as I zoom down 95 going 95, what’s the point of living in New Hampshire anyways? Live free or die!

Besides, if I were to hit anyone while Liberty Riding, I’d be the one who ends up in a wooden box, not the other guy. Sure, I’d feel a little bad about traumatizing the driver who had to see my unprotected head slam against the asphalt and my brain spill out like a smashed watermelon. But who hasn’t seen that kind of thing in New Hampshire?

10 Closing Tracks That Gloriously Fuck Up Near Perfect Albums

We sadly know that the full-length LP is dead in the water during the year of our lord known as 2023 (and all years moving forward) due to the world’s utter lack of an attention span. However, long before streaming angrily and viciously shot the album in the back of the head, these songs murdered said records right in front of their own eyes. FYI: We love all of these albums (apart from these closing final track snores) and they are not listed in order of best to worst (or otherwise), but rather in an alphabetical format. That’s for you to decide. Sorry, Greg Graffin. Despite this clerical error, we still think you’re smart and shit.

1. Bad Religion “Stranger Than Fiction”

Closing Track: “21st Century (Digital Boy)

Let’s start this list off with the most overrated punk band of all time: Bad Religion. Infected indeed. We will never understand why the band chose to close its major label debut album Stranger Than Fiction with an uninspired cover of their own song (Against the Grain’s “21st Century (Digital Boy)). It makes quite a lame statement, and honestly, that declaration is better off dead.

2. The Beatles “Abbey Road”

Closing Track: “Her Majesty”

Speaking of glorified, we will never understand why the most revered band of all time chose to close its last studio recording with 25 seconds that we will never, ever get back. Honestly, the song is too long and should’ve been edited down into nothing via Maxwell’s Silver Hammer right from the get-go. Her Majesty (R.I.P., but not really) may have been a pretty nice (and slightly racist) girl in the 1960s, but this song is a stinker. It’s just isn’t fucking good or fucking funny, and stands out in the worst way as the previous sixteen tracks showcase incredible growth, musicianship and melodies for The Fab Four. Fuck The Beatles. The End.

3. Boyz II Men “II”

Closing Track: “Yesterday”

Back to The Beatles, the true Fab Four consisting of brothers Nathan and Wanya Morris, Shawn Stockman, and a dude with a cane put their own shitty stamp on the most covered song of all time, The Beatles’ snoozer “Yesterday”. We have one word to ask on bended knee, “Why?” No thank you!

4. Green Day “Dookie”

Closing Track: “All By Myself”

We’re coming clean here: Bonus/hidden tracks count as the true closing tracks of an album. Don’t @ us. And seriously, isn’t one song about masturbation (“Longview”) enough for this record? Don’t answer that. Oh yeah, did we mention, Tre Cool should just beat other things (the drums) and shut his fucking mouth.

5. Green Day “Warning”

Closing Track: “Macy’s Day Parade”

WARNING: TRIGGER ALERT. Green Day chose to end its most ambitious album (at the time) via a Macy’s corporate sponsorship. We heard that they took a seven-figure check for said endorsement; bitches. Talk about some sell-out shit and a pop disaster. Punk rock sadly died in a pool of blood, sex, and booze via Green Day’s second mention in this brilliant piece.

6. Jimmy Eat World “Clarity”

Closing Track: “Goodbye Sky Harbor”

Jimmy Eat World’s most revered album ended with an ambitious​ sixteen-minute-and-eleven-second song named after a stupid goddamn airport. Many (privately, of course; you don’t want to disrespect anything off of “Clarity” publicly or the emo gods will harm you and yours) scoff at the song’s long length, but we honestly think that it works as a demo that could have been extended. Honestly, the track should have had more bleeps and bloops for at least sixteen more minutes. Then the album wouldn’t have gotten them dropped from Capitol Records and we could’ve avoided the fucking middle.

7. Jud Jud “X the Demos X”

Closing Track: “X Turn Around Song X”

FYI: Compilation albums count too, especially ones from the beautiful and righteous state known as Florida! This series of hardcore 7” morphed into one monumental and sterling eight-minute-and-fifty-three-second album that transcended what an a capella straight edge music power duo could truly rise to. Subsequently, Jud Jud would never receive the mainstream success that it so desperately craved. We solely blame “X Turn Around Song X,” a schlocky shitbag uninspired wreck of a song that cancels out the eight brilliant compositions that came before it. Seriously, just listen to its lyrics! What a divebomb. No tolerance for instruments over here.

8. Semisonic “Feeling Strangely Fine”

Closing Track: “Gone to the Movies”

Why the fuck did Semisonic choose to close this platinum release with this corny little ditty and NOT the anthemic and gorgeous “Closing Time”? Fastball should totally beat their asses.

9. The Suicide Machines “Battle Hymns”

Closing Track: “Jah”

“Jah” is the only song in Detroit’s ska-punk warriors’ catalog that is even stupider than their actual fucking band name. For a frame of reference, The Suicide Machines’ epic three-second ballad “Punck” from this same album is practically “Bohemian Rhapsody” when one compares it to “Jah.” Also, “Punck” should get more public love for its bold and unapologetic statement of defiance to the masses. We are not sure exactly how much Hollywood Records spent on the production, mixing, and mastering of Battle Hymns’ final track “Jah,” but we know that the band will never recoup one second of the four-second butt-stain, let alone the entire tune.

10. Weezer “Pinkerton”

Closing Track: “Butterfly”

This one is gonna ruffle some wings, but we did what our body told us to. Weezer’s commercial and critical sophomore LP failure known as “Pinkerton” eventually became their most revered record, but it never would have bombed so glamorously if the album closed out with its second-to-last song “Falling For You.” Even the band’s reclusive singer Rivers Cuomo knows that song is truly whack, and he croons it apologetically thrice at the song’s end, showcasing that he is more than self-aware that he shat the bed with this one.

Summer Break Forces Gun Store Owners to Prepare For Slow Season

BROUSSARD, La. — Gun store owners across the country reported the need to cut costs as summer break ushers in the start of a decline in business that lasts until school starts again, multiple freedom-loving sources confirmed.

“Every June it’s the same story. We sell a couple rifles to some guys hunting game, but our assault weapons just sit on the shelf collecting dust. I tried offering discounts to anyone who can prove they’re forced to go to summer school, but those kids always end up going to the military where they get all the guns they want for free,” said Crazy Jim’s Guns ‘N’ Ammo owner Jim Ainsley. “I’d love to take a vacation and just close up shop for two months, but a lot of the local cops love to come here and drink a few tall boys out back during their shift.”

Social outcast Damon Lewis says he has taken advantage of summer clearance since his freshman year of high school.

“A lot of states still have bullshit age limits on weapons, but this time of year most shop owners are so desperate for cash that they will look the other way. I’ve got my eye on some hollow point bullets and body armor that I can probably get for 50% off,” said Lewis from his parent’s basement. “Last year I got an IWI Tavor X95 for a fucking steal. It sort of frustrates me how much they jack the price up on these things when school is in session. If Congress actually wants to do something about gun sales they should look into mid-school year price gouging, that’s the real crime.”

NRA president Carolyn D. Meadows is optimistic that munitions suppliers will be able to weather a down economy and bounce back in September.

“When our members ask ‘What does the NRA do for me?’ I have to remind them that we have an army of people posting on message boards to radicalize high schoolers into becoming 2nd Amendment patriots,” said Meadows while drafting legislation she will force multiple members of the House to pass. “Today’s losers are tomorrow’s customers. We have trained experts letting these kids know they can go down in history, and all these eventual domestic terrorists like to buy locally.”

At press time, Crazy Jim’s Guns ‘N’ Ammo placed a bucket of handguns on the sidewalk with a “Free” sign in order to get rid of dead inventory.

Father’s Day Carolers on Porch Belting Out Breathtaking Renditions of Thin Lizzy Songs

MUNCIE, Ind. — A group of Dickensian-garbed Father’s Day carolers were reportedly seen going door-to-door singing particularly beautiful covers of Thin Lizzy songs in honor of the holiday, misty-eyed sources confirmed.

“It was damn near one of the prettiest things I’ve ever heard in my life. I was just out back tossing a couple flank steaks onto the Weber, when the sweet strains of ‘Cowboy Song’ started calling to me from the porch,” said local dad Warren Szelkowski. “I don’t know if it was the charcoal or the memory of the great Phil Lynott, but I was bawling like a baby once they got to their ‘Johnny the Fox’ medley. I just hope the fellas from the block association didn’t see and bust my stones over it next meeting.”

Other family members were reportedly more puzzled, clashing with the enthusiasm of the neighborhood fathers.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad so moved. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel a little peculiar, him being so vulnerable for the first time in years and whatnot. Whatever makes him happy, I guess,” said Szelkowski’s 15-year-old son Reese. “At one point the group of carolers started walking away like they were finished, but they just hid in the bushes for a few minutes until dad asked for an encore. Then they sang the ‘Boys Are Back in Town.’ Seemed pretty obvious even to me that they were going to do that one, but dad seemed more surprised than he was at his last couple birthdays combined. It’s been a weird day.”

Head caroler Cassandra Windham explained the genesis of the idea.

“For professional carolers, things tend to get a little slow during those 11 non-Christmas months. We decided to give this a try, and boy, did it work! I wish we’d thought of learning a few Chicks numbers back in May for the moms. We’d do a sensational ‘Goodbye Earl,’ that’s a fact. But there’s always next year,” said Windham, as she shuffled sheet music for “Waiting For an Alibi.” “For now, if we can bring a quiver to the lip of just one dad in the tri-county area, it’ll make the payments I still owe on this petticoat get-up more than worth it.”

At press time, the carolers decided to up their dad appeal even more by incorporating a few Three Stooges routines into their choreography.

What We’re Listening To This Week: Dad Rock Edition

This week, we’re taking a hard-earned break from devouring the internet whole and spewing the best new music at our readers. Instead, we’re taking some time to honor 50% of the population that is responsible for creating the insufferable people who still make music in this economy: Dads. Because we know the last thing your dad will want to hear on his special day is that new hardcore band you’ve been listening to, we’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite Dad Rock anthems. When the old man is having trouble getting his Bluetooth to work even though you’ve explained it to him, like, a thousand fucking times, save the day by bumping these jams at the cookout.

Bruce Springsteen “Thunder Road”

Your dad hasn’t been able to ride his motorcycle very often since his sciatic nerve became problematic, which is great because Springsteen mostly sings about driving a beat-up car during this track. Climb in with him as ‘Thunder Road’ speeds you down dusty highways filled with lofty dreams of freedom and hope. Ideals your father ultimately had to abandon to pay your way through art school. Don’t worry if you see a single tear roll down his cheek during this track. It’s probably just the pollen.

The Clash “Rock The Casbah”

Believe it or not, but your old man used to be a bit of a ‘punker’ himself back in the seventies. Of course, you know that means he owned a jean jacket and liked one of the Clash’s most commercially successful singles. Still, him bringing it up is one of his weird little ways of relating to you, so it’s best to just lean into it. Pop this one on and try not to bring up politics or the fact that, contrary to your dad’s belief, the band is singing the Sanskrit word ‘sharif’ instead of cheekily pronouncing ‘sheriff’ in the chorus.

Jackson Browne “Runnin’ On Empty”

Your dad was probably literally 17 in 1965 and subsequently 21 in 1969, so this song is basically his biography. This might feel like a depressing song to throw on, with all its themes of wasted youth and whatnot, but chances are your paternal figure wouldn’t trade the family he has built over the years for anything in the world. Except, of course, his younger waistline, financial freedom, and the ability to travel the open road without care or responsibility.

Steely Dan “Reelin’ In The Years”

The writer who recommended this absolute classic claims that he doesn’t really listen to Steely Dan, but we all know he’s lying. He’s a literal dad, and loving Steely Dan comes with the designation. Also, are we supposed to pretend that hearing the silky main riff in this song doesn’t immediately make one a lifelong fan of the band? We know who isn’t pretending, and it’s your father, who has been ‘reelin’ in the years’ since before you were even born.

Thin Lizzy “The Boys Are Back In Town”

‘Oh heck yeah! You breaking out the Lizz?’ your dad may gleefully exclaim when this one barrels out of the Bluetooth speaker you bought him for Christmas but just took out of the box before the barbeque. It’s best to line this one up as he finishes his third White Claw (he likes those now because that’s what the ‘kids are into’). That way he’ll be fully committed to playing air guitar throughout the whole bridge. Queue it up with his fourth hard seltzer and he might even sing it!

Creedence Clearwater Revival “Fortunate Son”

Even though your dad probably voted for both H.W. and W., he sure does love this scathing protest anthem from everyone’s favorite California Bayou dwellers, CCR. Like many of his generation, he might find the song a bit more patriotic than it actually is. It’s understandable considering how many war movies it has soundtracked in addition to John Fogerty’s unintelligible drawl. Still, arguments about unjustified conflicts are best left for Thanksgiving.

Rupert Holmes “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)”

Perhaps one of the most Dad-Rock-worthy songs we’ve been spinning this week, ‘Escape’ tells the goofiest story of rekindling a long stale love we’ve ever heard. Relationships are tough, and no one understands it more than your pa and Rupert Holmes. Boundaries are important to set in any relationship, so be firm but kind when you inevitably have to stop the man who raised you from explaining in gruesome detail how he and your mother have recently been getting into role-play.

Eagles “Take It Easy”

This song is full of all sorts of useless advice that your father has probably given you over the years. Stressed about work? ‘Take it easy.’ Your anxiety has been getting worse in an increasingly hellish capitalist society? ‘Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.’ Absolute nothing-burgers coming from a man lucky enough to be born into a world where a minimum-wage job could land him a house. Still, it’s probably not his fault you’re not successful (his words), so let him have a little fun. It’s nice out and no one likes a downer.

Jim Croce “Operator (That’s Not The Way It Feels)”

Remember when we said you should save the Thin Lizzy track for your dad’s third drink? You might need to save this one for your sixth or seventh. No one gets to the core of your pop’s swollen heart quite like the musical stylings of the mustachioed Jim Croce. Within the first few seconds of this track, things will surely get misty. Your dad will almost certainly tell you that while he loves your mother, he can’t help but think about how life could have been if things worked out with that summer fling in college.

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young “Teach Your Children”

Like the song says, ‘the parent’s hell will slowly go by,’ which is a reality your dad has long mentioned in turbulent times. This song is ultimately about bridging generational gaps and mending misunderstandings between child and parent. Dads eat this shit up. Even though yours will likely use this track as an excuse to talk about how much harder his generation had it, you’ll at least have a soothing backdrop while attempting not to roll your eyes and ‘ruin the family get-together.’

Hey Dad I Got You a Pack of Cigarettes for Father’s Day! You Can Come Home Now!

Hey Dad, I know it’s been about 9 years since I last saw you but if you are out there I have something to tell you:

Happy Father’s Day!

Guess what? I got you that pack of cigarettes you’ve been looking for! You know what that means? You can come home now!

Man, 9 years ago when you went out to buy that pack of cigarettes we were so upset. I cried myself to sleep countless nights wondering where you’d gone but I vowed that when I was old enough I’d go out and find that pack for you so you could come home.

I know the past decade has probably been hard for you. I mean me, Mom and Andy have had a rough time of it too, with Mom’s constant cycle of alcoholism and stream of unhinged boyfriends. But I know it’s probably been way worse for you! I mean, a pack of cigarettes so elusive you’ve been looking for years? That must have been tough.

While you’ve been away kids at school have been making fun of me for, “not having a dad.” But I told them you were like Gandalf from Lord of the Rings, going on a treacherous quest and when the time was right you would return home. And now is that time! I got you that pack of Lucky Strike’s you’ve been searching for all these years.

Related: What Your Favorite Black Flag Singer Says About Your Relationship With Your Dad

So come on home and have a smoke, Daddy! We need to catch up! I can tell you about all my ballgames you missed, and you can tell me why you didn’t just head to the gas station down the street for a pack of smokes like I did.

I miss you!

Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

You can come home now and we can be a family again!

What are you waiting for!? Dad? Alright, I’m sure you’re just busy like you were during all those school plays. I understand. Just let me know when you get here.

Did your dad leave for a pack of cigarettes and never come back? Let us know in the comments!

Exclusive Text From Dad Reveals Job “You Should Maybe Think About Applying For”

PHILADELPHIA – Local Burnout John Parker admitted he wasn’t surprised to receive an exclusive text from his dad today offering a job that he should “maybe think about applying for,” confirmed sources close to the father/son pair.

“I got a few broken links before he finally just sent a poorly-framed screenshot of the listing itself,” said Parker from his childhood bedroom. “I told him I’m not interested. I’m not taking career advice from a guy whose last job interview was in 1993. Getting a job is the only thing my dad ever talks about. I never get a text like, ‘Hey, how are you? Do you wanna throw the ball around in the yard for a bit?’’ It’s always, ‘Hey, did you see the UPS is hiring for the night shift?’ I don’t need a job anyway, I have my own ways of making money. My Tiktok skits are really starting to get a lot of traction.”

Family patriarch Jim Parker, was happy to speak on the benefits of the prospective job.

“I don’t see what’s so bad about sorting parcels and loading trucks for the UPS,” said the father of three defensively. “I mean, a good paying job, healthcare, I think you even get federal holidays off, what more could you want? A dream job you’re passionate about? You find me a dream job that contributes to a 401k. The other huge benefit, for me anyway, is that he won’t be in my goddamn house all the time. By the way, you guys all should apply too. For every job referral I send them I get a voucher for Hello Fresh.”

UPS hiring director Hank Stevens spoke on their current hiring struggles.

“The more soul-crushing the job is, the more likely it is their dad told them to apply,” Stevens explained. “Dad applications are a real problem, we estimate about a third of applicants are only doing it to appease their parents. It’s pretty easy to tell. Like this one right here, under ‘Why are you interested in a career with UPS?’ this candidate wrote, ‘To get my dad off my fucking back., and because I heard you don’t do drug tests’ then wrote out the link to his Soundcloud. Not exactly the attitude we’re looking for. Although I have to admit, we’re getting desperate. Just the other day I caught myself asking my nine-year-old if she’s happy with her current career path.”

A few hours after begrudgingly filling out the job application, Parker received an exclusive text from his mother asking why they never talk.