SAN JOSE — Local middle-aged guy Tom O’Donnell admitted he exclusively skates the curbs surrounding urgent care parking lots in order to increase the efficiency of getting care for his inevitable injuries, confirmed sources close to the man.
“I don’t want to give up skating, but I am one sprained more sprained ankle away from bankruptcy. There’s no way I could afford an ambulance ride across town and my kid’s daycare in the same month. Luckily a lot of the older guys in town have already waxed the curbs behind more of the urgent care facilities,” said O’Donnell, mummifying his left leg in athletic braces. “A couple of the maintenance dudes that work there skate during their lunch breaks so they tell me when the best doctors are working, so I make sure I plan my sessions around their schedules. And the best part is this place actually takes my shitty insurance.”
Other middle-aged skaters that flock to the parking lot are catching the notice of the urgent care staff.
“Once that screen printing business opened down the block we saw an influx of skate-related injuries that happen on our property. The waiting room has been a triage ward of middle-aged injuries,” said Grace Holden, a nurse at the urgent care. “We had to start rationing the lidocaine patches, and I can’t take two steps without tripping over a guy laying on the floor because he threw his back out and all they want to talk about is some guy named Andrew Allen. If we get any more sprained ankles today we’re going to have to start tearing towels to make wraps.”
Local rent-a-cops tasked with patrolling the city’s parking lots admit they do not share the same enthusiasm as the skaters.
“I’m sick and tired of slowly chasing these damned punk middle-aged skaters off the lot,” said security guard Glenn Crosby, scratching a local brewery sticker off a railing. “They leave their empty ibuprofen bottles everywhere, and even when they’re not skating they just loiter here for hours, icing their knees. These guys need to grow up and go hang out at a Home Depot like normal middle-aged guys.”
Though the urgent care lot remained popular, a rift soon formed in the city’s middle-aged skate scene as those without corporate insurance preferred to just chance it at the local Walgreens parking lot.
No one in the Renaissance era would ever think to paint a portrait of a cigar-smoking, bowler hat-wearing, underbite-clamping trout. Not saying ska-based art is better than Renaissance art, but I’m also not not saying it.
Let’s start at the beginning: Drummer/vocalist Aaron Gillespie is the only current member on Underoath’s debut LP “Act of Depression,” which truly lives by its title for the listener. The record strictly consists of long and confusing songs that cleverly have a total run-time of fifty-five minutes and fifty-five seconds, but that’s where the fun ends. Basically and bluntly, this lone 20th-century release for the band will likely never get placed on a “Best of the ‘90s” compilation album… And that’s ok as the band pretty much ruled the Warped Tour and Christian Rock world in the early aughts. Next!
“Cries of the Past” kicked off this century for Underoath on July 4, 2000, and is the act’s first album with current keyboardist Christopher Dudley. It’s not much better than its former, but we likely ranked the LP higher because Dudley added some atmosphere to a band that seemingly didn’t have any prior. Zing. Also, like “Act of Depression,” the band continued the tradition of overly complicated songs that go nowhere, but five songs at forty-two minutes and fifty-one seconds is even crazy for a Periphery album! It’s hard to be progressive without being progressive.
2002’s “The Changing of Times” is the band’s first truly polarizing album and it is the only pre-Spencer Chamberlain (more on him later) LP that we at The Hard Times have seen public love for; the universal consensus amongst all that have listened to Underoath’s expansive catalog is that the first two albums are better left unread. “The Changing of Times” is the group’s third effort, and it is good at times, but not great overall. Sorry. Shortly before the band solidified the majority of its lineup on its next and fourth release, guitarist Timothy McTague joined the band for this LP and vocalist Dallas Taylor exited shortly after it came out. Fun opinion: Dallas really came into his own with the Southern rock-influenced metalcore act Maylene and the Sons of Disaster, and if you don’t agree, you’re dead wrong. Sadly, he had a life-altering ATV accident in 2016. We’re all thinking of him and his family over here.
This may or may not ruffle some rock and roll feathers, but “Voyeurist,” Underoath’s most recent full-length, just didn’t stick with us at our first listen or inspire many more afterward. Overall, it felt like a lower quality and inconsistent batch of songs, and is the first to showcase a semblance of patchiness since the album listed prior. Happily, the band closed “Voyeurist” with one of its better post-2010 songs “Pneumonia,” and is slowly but surely returning to all protein and no fat form on its two most recent follow-up singles from 2023: “Lifeline (Drowning)” and “Let Go.” Here’s to a solid (state) follow-up full-length!
The album for the record titled with a character that isn’t easily attainable on Google Docs is both the band’s first and last without Aaron Gillespie on drums and vocals, and the only release with talented former Norma Jean drummer Daniel Davison on the skins. It is also very likely ranked higher here than you may have thought, as we at The Hard Times like to keep ya guessing and complaining. Admittedly Davison had big shoes to feel (Aaron eventually became the tour drummer for fucking Paramore for a bit), but Mr. Gillespie justifiably sang the act’s and Davison’s praises on this 2010 LP. That form of solidarity from a then-former band member isn’t what one often sees with a public relationship change and it was quite nice to hear about, as the kind words showcased some solidarity that one doesn’t often see with former members in division.
After a not-so-long split from 2013-2015, Underoath released a comeback album via Fearless Records with both drummer/vocalist Aaron Gillespie back in the habit and an “F Bomb” front and center for all to gasp at. Jesus. In addition (or division), the band also said goodbye to the Cornerstone label and simply became a band filled with some Christians. Moses. This album may have turned some dissonance lovers off with its high-quality radio rock, but we’re all here for a mainstream audience digging good music. It has to start somewhere.
Post-hardcore and screamo bands were at their respective peaks for success in 2003 and 2004 so this album came out at the perfect time…. And what a storm it was. The band had three new members for this huge LP: Guitarist James Smith (who just left the band earlier this year; like we alluded to earlier, he’s the only one to do so since this record), bassist Grant Brandell, and new vocalist/screamer formerly of This Runs Through, Spencer Chamberlain. Admittedly, Spencer’s screams here weren’t in tip-top form, but he only got better and better at such for their latter releases; keep scrolling down, dear reader. Still, this album was truly the band’s breakout and contains several undeniable singles that the band still plays regularly. Fun opinion (part deux): If the single “Reinventing Your Exit” was released on a major label in 2004, the then-young-and-aspiring Underoath would’ve been a much, much bigger mainstream rock band.
Our two favorite UO albums sometimes shift from number one to two and vice-versa, but regardless of which one you prefer of the final two listed here, 2006’s “Define the Great Line” was their biggest game-changer sonically and critically. Debuting at number two on the Billboard Charts is no small feat, especially for an album that was deliberately created in a brutal, rough-around-the-edges, and non-mainstream manner. Our punk rock hearts respect the fuck out of this. To whom it may concern, for this release and the one listed below in the gold medal slot, we recommend a front-to-back listen sans skips. Don’t @ us.
Although there weren’t too many “hit singles” on 2008’s “Lost in the Sound of Separation,” the record contained eleven heavy-in-the-best-way experimental songs that should NOT be slept on. Relisten to it now and read on. Ok? Good. Aaron Gillespie went out in style on this release, which showcased his chaotic drumming in a manner that is unrivaled by most in the “scene” or outside of it. Also, it’s badass that the last words of track one, “Breathing In A New Mentality” are, “Let me start again.” Clever, clever.
Barely worth my time, he’s only on the list so I have someone to practice landing the twister on. I’ve almost got it.
Riddle me this, nerd: Who has two wolves inside him and a +3000N punch for your smug face? This guy.
Not that this chump presents much of a challenge to begin with, but my boxing skills are on point. I’m just gonna blast my jabs so fast that the wind force blows him away.
Kung-fu is so ‘80s my guy. The shred-man is no match for my radical mix of krav maga, Muay Thai and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Plus I have a gun.
One hit to the head and this college professor slips into an alter-persona where he thinks he’s King Tut reincarnated. One hit by ME to the head, he won’t be thinking anything at all, ever again.
The guy is short, fat, and owns a nightclub. Sounds like a bunch of dudes I’ve already assaulted. And sure, he’ll probably fire me as a bouncer just like they did, but not before I crack that monocle with a right hook.
I gotta admit my man is pretty jacked for a skeleton. Too bad they don’t teach Brazilian jiu-jitsu in Eternia. No contest, chump. I’ll nap each one of his bones.
“Venom” is actually a hybrid of the Venom symbiote and disgraced journalist Eddie Brock, so technically this is gonna be 2 on 1. Fortunately for me, the symbiote will recognize this work, and ditch Eddie to bond with the superior male, making me more powerful than ever.
This guy’s whole superpower is that he’s the world’s smartest man, so basically there are about a million ways I can lump up this nerd. If he’s really that smart, he better just go run and hide.
This pansy “emperor’s” arch-nemesis was the quarterback for the New York Jets. I totally could have gone pro if I didn’t get kicked out of school for trying to blow up the soda machine in the cafeteria, and I damned sure would have wound up on a better football team than the Jets.