This is gospel: With or without an exclamation point, Las Vegas’ Panic! at the Disco is easily one of the most successful acts to come out of the “Myspace emo” scene, and that stat will likely frustrate each and every one of you neckbeards. Whatever; build God, then we’ll talk. Anyway, regardless of your thoughts on the matter, dancing’s not a crime, and we decided to rank all seven of P!ATD’s studio albums below. Yes, we know that the Panic! At the Disco pop-rock collective isn’t a traditional tried-and-true band, and that the-evil-Brendon-Urie-doing-everything-including-the-kitchen-sink-blah-blah -blah ruthless “insight” jokes will flow like whiskey in the roaring ‘20s throughout your smug online chatter, but we’re not going to stoop so high for your low hanging fruit. Let’s kill (that) tonight and trade mistakes:
7. Viva Las Vengeance (2022)
P!ATD swan song 2022 LP “Viva Las Vengeance” caused the band to let the light go out like a sad clown having make-up sex in the middle of a breakup. Say that sentence out loud all by yourself. Long live punishment! While we wish that this wasn’t the band’s final album statement, we have no doubt that a comeback LP will hit the streets in 2032 just in time for Donald Trump Jr.’s snowy white and hopefully laughably unsuccessful Presidential campaign. Also, we don’t think that this record will hold up in about ten years, but stranger things have happened: Because of government-issued sites like Tik-Tok and Parlor, affirmative may be justified and the glorious Creed is bigger now than ever.
Play it again: “Local God”
Skip it: “Something About Maggie”
6. Pray for the Wicked (2018)
Despite the fact that 2018’s “Pray for the Wicked” contains their highest charting and rabidly infectious single “High Hopes,” with notes so jaw-dropping off the deep end it hurts our vocal register without even singing, this pop AF record just isn’t as consistent as the five that came before it. Maybe looser-fitting JNCO jeans and a lower number of co-writers may have made this acrobatic effort a tad more listenable, but what the hell do we know? This album likely bought Brendon the island from the cleverly named Scarlett Johansson 2005 film “The Island.”
Play it again: “King of the Clouds”
Skip it: “Old Fashioned”
5. Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die! (2013)
While this 2013 effort contains without question P!ATD’s worst record title and actual album cover, it is definitely the first LP mentioned here to flow seamlessly and effortlessly through all of its tracks from song 1-10. Don’t judge a book by its cover and don’t judge things in general unless you are assigned a casual affair in the form of an album ranking article! Anyway, the band was very smart in making a ten-song release sans saturated fats and liquid nitrogen at just under thirty-three minutes for the short attention span theater known as our world, and would you like some jello? Back to the girl that you love: Next to the next album to be mentioned, this one has their second-best album song opener, “This Is Gospel,” which was luckily not locked away in permanent slumber. Oh woah-oh.
Play it again: “This Is Gospel”
Skip it: “Far Too Young To Die”
4. Vices & Virtues (2011)
After the yet-to-be-mentioned-and-yet-to-offend-in-its-dumb-dumb-slot-here sophomore LP “Pretty. Odd.,” P!ATD created their third LP that exemplified more of a back-to-basics debut album vibe called “Vices & Virtues,” and whilst doing so triumphantly reclaimed its exclamation point to a hurricane of memories. Like entry number five above, this is another ten-track banger and a consistent and underrated one at that. Produced by the Freak of the Week Butch Walker of Marvelous 3, and John “Superman” Feldmann of Goldfinger, this record will make you singalong in your car like you’re 17 again, and it reintroduced the band to a completely new audience, especially when its second single “Ready to Go (Get Me Out of My Mind)” was featured in the ending credits of “The Smurfs,” proving that you hate us cause you ain’t us. Get that bag, Urie.
Play it again: “The Ballad of Mona Lisa”
Skip it: “Sorry About Me”
3. “Death of a Bachelor” (2016)
FYI: This album would’ve been ranked number one on this perfect list if track four, the band’s most superior single “Emperor’s New Clothes,” replaced tracks 1-3 and 5-11 and became an eleven-track repetitive yet lavish mansion of brilliance; it both feels good AND tastes good. However, the band fucked up royally by not doing so, and thus its two Ryan Ross records shine brighter here; if you can’t stop shaking, lean back. Still, the other ten songs on this record are a healthy combination of crazy and genius, and from a songwriting standpoint, 2016’s “Death of a Bachelor” combines Queen, Frank Sinatra, The B-52s, a post-Bachelor Party toilet bowl conference, and more in a very respectable fashion. It’s a hell of a feeling though, it’s a hell of a feeling though; oozin’ aahs.
Play it again: “Emperor’s New Clothes”
Skip it: “The Good, the Bad and the Dirty”
2. “A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out” (2005)
You know this one. You love this one. We’re wrong about the placement of this one. This is their first album, making it record number one. This one’s biggest single WON MTV’s “Video Of The Year” at the 2006 VMAs to the surprise of just about everyONE. One song on this album is called “London BeckONEd Songs About mONEy Written By Machines” and another one is called “There’s A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered hONEy, You Just Haven’t Thought of It Yet,” so let’s end this piece with entry number one. One singular sensation.
Play it again: “But It’s Better If You Do”
Skip it: If you must, skip the “Intermission” and piss in your pants.
1. “Pretty. Odd.” (2008)
P is for “Panic,” “Pretty (Odd),” “Pas de Cheval,” and “polarizing,” so imagine the band dropped acid given to them by Bob Dylan backstage at a Boys Like Girls Royal Variety Performance, listened to “Rubber Soul” over and over 1965 times, commandeered strange and dated clothes from your creepy uncle, and you’ve got the band’s grower-but-not-a-shower 2008 LP “Pretty. Odd.” Like we alluded to above, main songwriter Ryan Ross left after this one along with the band’s exclamation point, but we still think if their third record “Vices & Virtues” flip-flopped its release dates with this sophomore LP, the Ross-Urie-feeling-as-good-lovers-can duo would still be flopping around together mad as rabbits. And everybody gets there, everybody gets their and everybody gets their way.
Play it again: “Mad as Rabbits”
Skip it: “Folkin’ Around”