JANESVILLE, Wisc. — Tom Howard, a local 39-year-old with a rare Saturday afternoon to himself, was faced with a startling realization that a porn star he’s watched get turned inside out for over a decade is now considered “mature.”
“I just pulled up a fresh incognito tab to my favorite adult entertainment site when it hit me like a ton of bricks,” said Howard while using a mirror to inspect his pubic hair for grays. “Karlie Kumz was doing a MILF scene with a newer performer and it was so jarring that I was barely able to stay hard, but maybe it’s because I’m nearly 40 and I’ve run out of testosterone and penis blood. I don’t know, I’m spiraling here. It seemed like just yesterday Karlie was barely legal, now she’s responsible for on the job training for younger performers.”
Several adult entertainers admitted that while they didn’t anticipate still being in the industry as they enter their 30s, it’s an unexpected, but welcome, surprise.
“Porn is one of those things that you get into early on, make a lot of money, and cash out before you get burnt on the industry. But a lot of people are growing up with us and continue to abuse their dicks to our scenes, which is a welcome surprise,” said 28-year-old porn veteran Suki Summer. “I feel like all the hard work I put in during the second Obama administration has really paid off like a well-managed portfolio. I don’t feel any pressure to do more intense scenes and I get to meet a lot of nice people. And a lot of the longtime fans actually have money now since they have real jobs and they buy me crap off my Amazon wishlist all the time. It’s pretty fun.”
An analytics manager at a leading adult video site offered some insight into their categorization process.
“You can actually see how audiences ‘grow’ their favorite stars by watching the age demographic statistics,” said Brandon Smith as he pulled up PowerPoint that he had clearly spent too much of his own time making. “These performers act as a sort of gateway to the users as, for example, they’ll start in the ‘Teen’ category before moving into something like ‘Anal’ which opens up a bunch of different possibilities. This creates a lot of branching paths but if they stay in the business long enough, they’ll eventually end up in the ‘Mature’ category and bring longtime fans with them.”
When his wife and children returned, Howard was overheard talking with his spouse about several things like their retirement fund, life insurance, and funeral plots.