Press "Enter" to skip to content

Rock Star Confused That Underwear Thrown Onstage Never His Size or Preferred Style

WAUKEGAN, Mich. — Local shock-rock fixture Andy “Randy Andy” Phantym is reportedly unsure why the many pairs of underwear thrown during his shows are never his style or size, sources close to the artist confirmed.

“I definitely appreciate what they’re trying to do, don’t get me wrong now! I just genuinely don’t understand why anyone would think I’d fit into these particular undergarments. Just once I’d love a clean pair of grey or navy-blue boxer briefs with a 32” waist to fall upon my mic stand,” said Phantym, from his dressing room. “Now, those I could really use! Lacey g-strings and whatnot are fine for some folks, and I know my stage persona is pretty off-the-wall, but I tend to keep it pretty mundane when it comes to my unmentionables. Maybe now that I’m getting the word out about it, things will start to change.”

Randy Andy’s tour manager Ranch Riggs is concerned regarding his client’s addled state over the situation.

“The thing most people don’t realize about Randy Andy is that he’s the nicest guy in the world. Sure onstage it’s all guillotines and pig fetuses, but afterward, he comes backstage with all this ‘gifted’ underwear that he assumes is for him to wear,” opined Riggs. “And then, as an act of good faith, he systematically tries on each and every one of those Victoria’s Secret releases, ill-fitting as always, as groupies wait outside his door, never getting in. I don’t have the heart to tell him that the women in the crowd aren’t simply ‘not doing good enough research’ on the clothing he likes to wear. Rock stars…they’re not known for their brains.”

Curator of the American Underwear Museum J. Holden Greenbrier believes the collection could be quite valuable in more capable hands.

“That guy’s sitting on a goldmine, and he doesn’t even know it. If I could get my mitts on even just a fraction of his collection, I’d have to construct a new wing to the building. Pairs upon pairs of vintage and discontinued lingerie styles,” said a clearly jealous Greenbrier. “That he’s stretching into shreds by trying to wear them himself. They should be enshrined, not balled up in piles on his bus. I did hear a rumor that he’d probably trade the whole priceless collection for some Hanes boxer briefs, but that can’t be right. No one could be THAT dumb…”

At press time, Phantym stated he had a long night ahead of him, returning all the hotel room keys that were tossed onstage to the rightful owners who are probably looking for them.