PHILADELPHIA – Local Burnout John Parker admitted he wasn’t surprised to receive an exclusive text from his dad today offering a job that he should “maybe think about applying for,” confirmed sources close to the father/son pair.
“I got a few broken links before he finally just sent a poorly-framed screenshot of the listing itself,” said Parker from his childhood bedroom. “I told him I’m not interested. I’m not taking career advice from a guy whose last job interview was in 1993. Getting a job is the only thing my dad ever talks about. I never get a text like, ‘Hey, how are you? Do you wanna throw the ball around in the yard for a bit?’’ It’s always, ‘Hey, did you see the UPS is hiring for the night shift?’ I don’t need a job anyway, I have my own ways of making money. My Tiktok skits are really starting to get a lot of traction.”
Family patriarch Jim Parker, was happy to speak on the benefits of the prospective job.
“I don’t see what’s so bad about sorting parcels and loading trucks for the UPS,” said the father of three defensively. “I mean, a good paying job, healthcare, I think you even get federal holidays off, what more could you want? A dream job you’re passionate about? You find me a dream job that contributes to a 401k. The other huge benefit, for me anyway, is that he won’t be in my goddamn house all the time. By the way, you guys all should apply too. For every job referral I send them I get a voucher for Hello Fresh.”
UPS hiring director Hank Stevens spoke on their current hiring struggles.
“The more soul-crushing the job is, the more likely it is their dad told them to apply,” Stevens explained. “Dad applications are a real problem, we estimate about a third of applicants are only doing it to appease their parents. It’s pretty easy to tell. Like this one right here, under ‘Why are you interested in a career with UPS?’ this candidate wrote, ‘To get my dad off my fucking back., and because I heard you don’t do drug tests’ then wrote out the link to his Soundcloud. Not exactly the attitude we’re looking for. Although I have to admit, we’re getting desperate. Just the other day I caught myself asking my nine-year-old if she’s happy with her current career path.”
A few hours after begrudgingly filling out the job application, Parker received an exclusive text from his mother asking why they never talk.