Diane Cranford
January 29, 1951 – July 14, 2023
Born in Odessa, Texas, Diane Cranford was raised by local rodeo clowns “Slappy” and “Dr. Floppy Boots” for much of her early life. The skills she learned from these early influences would prove very useful after her relocation to the Austin scene.
Ms. Cranford quickly developed a reputation in the scene by ensuring all pits were free from crowdkillers and unprovoked gorings. She applied her rodeo clown techniques to other groups of violent animals, such as Boston hardcore crews or metalheads on their third case of Coors for the night. Ms. Cranford’s most rootin’ tootin’ pit rescue was during the Big Boys show of 1983, when she successfully distracted an enraged Randy Turner before he could disembowel a fan who had mistakenly taken a swig out of his stage Fresca.
She was preceded in death by Slappy, and is survived by Dr. Floppy Boots who now runs a podiatry clinic. In lieu of flowers, Ms. Cranford requested mourners throw whipped cream pies in each other’s faces in her honor.
Casper “Van Humper” Rollard
April 15, 1980 – July 17, 2023
Born and raised in Bozeman, Montana, Casper Rollard was an avid motorhead. Affectionately known to his close friends and family as “Van Humper,” he was legally prohibited from being within fifty feet of any Chevy Astro, which often made touring with his band The Four Wheelers difficult.
Ever active in the scene, Mr. Rollard could often be found at local skateparks asking if anyone else was interested in remote control cars and then making vrooming noises with his mouth. Once, he attempted to eat an entire tractor tire, and made it nearly a third of the way through before being rushed to the emergency room with what the doctors dubbed “rubber rectum.” Mr. Rollard died earlier this week after competing in a demolition derby using his own human body in lieu of a vehicle – he finished in second place.
He is survived by his wife Prius, his children Mitsubishi and Dune Buggy, and his former band, who in his honor are already planning a reunion set at Sturgis this year.
The Expulted
December 12, 2021 – July 16, 2023
Folk-thrash band The Expulted was formed in Philadelphia by guitarist Went Silverman, washboard player Dale “Dead Toe” Polinchock, and a wiley kazoo player known to everyone only as “Skuzzles.” The band’s first gig was an illegal acoustic set in the back of that building where the city keeps the Liberty Bell.
The Expulted was unable to tour for most of their short tenure, as the Philadelphia Department of Rabies had fitted Skuzzles with a shock collar to keep him within city limits as a protective measure against the non-Philadelphian world. However, the department administrator recently forgot to change the batteries in the collar, and so on July 14th, the band set out on a grand world tour spanning the lower forty-eight United States, Canada, Mexico, Peru, unflooded parts of Europe, and the Republic of the Union of Myanmar. They made it two days before Skuzzles reverted to a feral state and shredded the rest of the band to pieces before being put down by an armed sound guy.
The Expulted are survived by members of the Philadelphia Civil Service Commission and the recently founded Department of Collar Maintenance.
Hands down one of the worst conceivable roommates of all time. BOB is an entity of The Black Lodge that possess people and forces them to commit the most horrific acts imaginable in order to harness pain and sorrow. Not exactly the kind of guy you can see doing the dishes all that frequently. Hard pass.
Nadine has two personas, and they both seem like an absolute nightmare to live with. One is a disturbed, violently tempered neurotic who thinks drapes are too loud, so I can only imagine what she would do when I blast music at 2 a.m. The other is a high-strung sex-crazed teenager with superhuman strength who doesn’t take no for an answer. I could see either one of them petting my cat to death.
On a show that features tulpas and demonic entities from a place called the black lodge, Leo, a human being, manages to be the scariest character. He’s sort of like a tough guy Bruce Mccullough character if Bruce McCullough was fully prepared to murder you at any second. I don’t need to get wrapped up in whatever BDSM/human trafficking/coke ring shenanigans this dude has going on.
Laura Palmer made some pretty questionable romantic choices in her short life but secretly dating bookhouse boy do-gooder James Hurley might have been the worst one. Inside James, there are two wolves, and they are both very sad and lame. I can’t watch a scene this dudes in without thinking “Get me the fuck out of here” so cohabitation is definitely off the table.
Margaret just seems really judgy, like a nosy cat-person shut-in only worse. She seems like she would be an incredibly stubborn roommate. Once she’s made up her mind that her log doesn’t like you, that’s it. I could also really easily see her being into Qanon.
I’ve been in love with Audrey since I was a teenager, but I don’t think I could ever live with her. She can be sort of needy like she always needs a ride somewhere or needs you to bail her out of a shady mob-run whore house she’s infiltrated, but if you need something you’re on your own. Plus she seems like she would be the sort of roommate who does a lot of passive-aggressive mind game-type stuff.
I bet Jerry is actually a pretty fun hang, in a once-in-a-while coke buddy type of way, but you never wanna live with someone like that. There would be way too much partying, crazy noise going on all hours of the night, but when it came time to pay the rent he would be a phantom.
Never mind the fact that she’s dead, wrapped in plastic. That’s like the least of this girl’s issues. Laura is two-faced and duplicitous. She likes hard drugs and she has awful taste in men. I don’t need someone bringing a rotating cast of coke dealers, skinwalkers, and drips like James Hurley into my house all the time. I’ve lived with a Laura or two in my day and I’m too old for that noise.
Dick is a pretentious blowhard, especially for someone who works in retail. Dick would be the sort of roommate that scoffs at you for eating something as low-brow as a hot dog, then try to argue his way out of paying cable because he doesn’t watch TV that much even though he totally does. Fuck this guy.
I think Albert is a good guy deep down, but he’s way too agro to deal with day-to-day. Plus he tried to narc on Harry Truman after he punched him in the face. Talk shit get hit Albert, it’s as simple as that.
Nicky has very little going for himself when it comes to being a roommate candidate. He’s a child, which sucks. Everyone who gets close to him seems to die tragically as if he is cursed or evil, and he brings all that Andy/Lucy/Dick drama with him. Sorry, little guy, that’s three strikes.
Benjamin is such a conniving bastard that even though he’s rich he would still find a way to fuck me over on rent. By the end of season 2, he tries to turn over a new leaf, but the back half of season 2 barely counts anyway, so I have a hard time believing it’s stuck. You don’t go from a cigar-toking villain who has sex with high school students to a good guy in one episode.
Catherine is a cold and ruthless soap opera stereotype. Not living with someone like that is the reason I moved out of my mom’s house in the first place. This would be a huge step back for me.
She’s an assassin who uses seduction and hallucinogenic drugs on her victims. I can respect that, but I wouldn’t want to live with it.
Johnny is just too much of a wild card. One minute he’s fine, the next he’s wailing and banging his head against the wall. The guy’s a deposit killer.
The only thing worse than someone who thinks they’re so attractive and charming that they can get away with anything is someone who actually is and can. If she wanted to, she could probably get me to float her on bills until I didn’t have a penny left to my name.
Bernard is the drug mule of the Renault family, making him the lowest man on the totem pole of one of the sketchiest families of all time. Needless to say, he would not make a trustworthy roommate.
I’m just gonna say it, Windom is vindictive. I feel like if I left my clothes in the dryer he would kidnap my girlfriend and engage me in a dangerous game of cat and mouse where he always has the upper hand.
All three of the Renault brothers are persona non grata in my apartment, especially Jean. There’s no villain like a bolo-tie white coat villain. If I lived with this dude it would only be a matter of time before the feds burst down the door and confiscated my hard drive.
It’s not that I don’t think sex work is real work, but this madame is a little too old school for my taste. Sex workers should be kept in your employ by safe working conditions and fair pay, not forced heroin dependency. She may add a touch of class to the living room, but at what cost? 
We decided that every album listed in this piece is going to get an award prior to the meat and potatoes of each section: 2010’s “The Constant” is Story of the Year’s “Most Generic Sounding Album Title,” and the band’s fourth record itself and last for Epitaph Records showcases such sonically. It’s not a bad effort per se, but it was definitely a misstep after three back-to-back solid LPs that we list later in this piece. Shortly after this album’s release, the band took a well deserved and needed sabbatical till 2013, when it released a re-imagined version of the record listed second, which doesn’t get ranked here because we’re suckers for accuracy, frustration, and facts. However, the group’s follow-up official full-length album is next to be discussed below.
2017’s comeback LP “Wolves” is Story of the Year’s “Most Hardcore Sounding Album Title.” It earns that moniker whilst being quite soft-core and without being that hard. That’s what he said. Anyway, now a thinner and more svelte four-piece without longtime bassist Adam Russell (guitarist Phil “Moon Valjean” Sneed would depart the band just one year later in 2018), “Wolves” was a proper ferocious return to form from the band, and an upbeat one at that. It’s good but not great front to back, but deserves at least one listen if you haven’t done so already. Two may be too much for some and we support whatever you want to do because we live in a partially free country.
New Story of the Year in the year of our lord known as 2023? Yes please. SOTY’s recent effort “Tear Me to Pieces” is the band’s “Most Emo Sounding Album Title” and overall it is really, really catchy and truly, truly strong. The record will for sure appeal to both older fans seeking early-aughts-guyliner nostalgia and younger MGK Hot Topic kids getting into the post-hardcore world for the first time. We implore you to take the ride through this album’s eleven tracks to prove to you that the band is far from dead and gone.
Story of the Year’s final major label release and sophomore LP, 2008’s “In the Wake of Determination,” is definitely their “Most Metalcore Sounding Album Title” and respectfully earns said moniker sonically. The band took a big chance in working with revered punk/hardcore producer Steve Evetts for a heavier album a little rougher around the edges than the group’s next-to-be-mentioned platinum debut. This one may have gotten ‘em dropped, and may not have received the best reviews, but at least Story of the Year went out in style, making an album that it seems that the band always wanted to make. Fun opinion: The high harmonies on this LP are hair-raising and difficult to comprehend in the best way. Puberty’s a bitch and so are you.
2003’s “Page Avenue,” the album that spawned several hit singles for SOTY, is the band’s “Most Nu-Metal Sounding Album Title,” a description that completely makes sense as it was released in the wake of the rap rock boom. The band is likely going to have to play its majority until the day YOU die, and that’s ok because you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you. Also, “Falling Down” is a hell of a bruising album closer in the way of 90s hardcore with a then-modern twist. Gang vocals are never a bad thing unless they are. Anyway, here’s the last one from the artists formerly known as Big Blue Monkey; we tell no lies.
Message to the World: Our favorite Story of the Year release “The Black Swan,” is their “Most Natalie Portman Sounding Album Title,” and if albums were judged like Oscars, this underrated one would’ve won big there too! This record is their first of two for punk conglomerate Epitaph Records, and showcased work from two separate producers: the aforementioned John Feldmann and Michael “Elvis” Baskette. For those terrified that such a creative move would cause the album to meander, wake up: This LP flies elegantly like a dove, and swans and doves are peers, regardless of their color. We digress, but this album sure didn’t. Check it out and re-energize your love for a band returning to form.
An engineering prodigy who is absolutely clutch when it comes to getting the Joes across a body of water, but unless he could have designed an airplane-proof World Trade Center there’s very little Tollbooth could have done to stop 9/11.
We honestly have no idea how effective a soldier Cross-Country is, all we know is that he wore a rebel flag until 1993 and that’s way, way too long. You’re supposed to be one of the country’s most elite defenders, not one of the Dukes of Hazard, dick.
Yup, Grunt. This guy’s specialty is that he’s a prime example of your typical, run-of-the-mill prick soldier. He probably wound up on the Joe team due to a clerical error or something. Since the actual U.S. army is made up of over a million people literally identical to this guy, we’re gonna go ahead and say Grunt could not have stopped 9/11.
I’m sure his skills were absolutely essential to G.I Joe’s intelligence back in the day, but he’s kind of dated now. This guy still specializes in landlines. Maybe if he was called, like, Burner Phone he would have been useful, but by September 11th, 2001 it was already time to put this pony out to pasture.
Sci-Fi’s specialty is that he shoots a laser, which is also the specialty of every single other G.I Joe, but he also looks like a huge dork which apparently counts for something?
Apparently, America’s most daring, highly trained, special mission force is not immune to nepotism. Falcon is an arrogant, talent-less insubordinate jackass who gets a pass because he’s Duke’s half-brother. Call us crazy, but we think it would be best if the war on terror wasn’t being run by legacy hires.
Not only does he rival Snow Job for the least appropriately named Joe, Beach Head is the only member of the Joe team who, canonically, smells terrible. He claims that perfumed products like soap and deodorant could give away his presence when doing covert missions, but you know what else is probably a dead giveaway? Smelling like whatever a dude named Beach Head smells like.
He looks a lot cooler than he is. Tripwire’s specialty is that he carries around a metal detector. Well, they already have metal detectors at airports and a fat load of good that did us.
A Harvard and Johns Hopkins-educated medic, Doc is an essential member of the Joe team in the field. Unfortunately, his pacifism would have prevented him from making much of a dent in the villainous Al-Qaeda network. Also, if you’ve followed the state of medical care for military personnel and veterans over the last few decades, you’ll know it’s getting harder and harder to see Doc.
Much like Bazooka, Zap specializes in the use of Bazookas. Unlike Bazooka, Zap is named Zap. This is the exact sort of confusing governmental intelligence redundancy and disorganization that allowed 9/11 to happen in the first place.
A lot of these snow-based guys are going to find themselves on the bottom half of this list for obvious reasons, but Snow Job ranks the lowest based on his name alone. It is, plainly and simply, a play on “blowjob.” If we didn’t call oral sex a blowjob, no one would have ever thought to name him that. You’re supposed to be the best of the best Snow Job, show some damn decorum.
If Osama Bin Laden wanted to attack the World Trade Center with boats, this is the guy you want running defense. Sadly, this was not the case. The closest Shipwreck could have come to stopping the terrorists would be poisoning them en route to the States with his notoriously bad cooking.
Blowtorch is from Florida, and like most Floridians, he is an expert in flamethrowers and other fire-based weaponry. Unlike most Floridians, Blowtorch takes a “safety first” approach, going so far as to sleep next to a smoke detector every night. He has seen fire’s awesome power and dedicated his life to learning everything he can about it. He probably couldn’t have stopped 9/11, but he could probably put the whole “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” debate to rest any day now.
Viewed as kind of a prick even by drill instructor standards, Leatherneck doesn’t come in very high on our list. The closest thing he has to a friend is Wet-Suit, so it’s pretty safe to assume he lacks the networking skills needed to infiltrate a terrorist organization.
As a computer expert and electrical engineer, Flash could have been invaluable in dismantling the elaborate electronic networks Al-Qaeda used to move its money around. The only reason he doesn’t come in higher is because he looks like a tool.
Yup, another ice guy. Pretty much the only reason Iceberg exists in the first place is because army guy toys look cool when they wear all white. He probably would have fallen short if tasked with preventing 9/11, but damn would he look cool not doing it.
ACAB, including this low-rent knockoff of Mutt & Junkyard, who are featured more prominently on this list. With his background as a Texas police officer, he and his German shepherd would probably be too busy finding bogus reasons to pull over and harass Black people to help prevent 9/11.
You’ll never guess what this dude’s specialty is, it’s gonna blow your mind. Oh, you guessed diving? Yeah, that’s it. Wet-Suit is a scholar of military tactics, but only military tactics that involve being wet, so he’s pretty useless in the desert.
Don’t let the cowboy hat fool you, Wild Bill is a country singer who likes to tell tall tales. Okay, I guess you could just let the cowboy hat fool you. It’s G.I Joe, not G.I Surprisingly Nuanced Characters. As a hard-to-take-down pilot, he could have been useful if he were actually on one of the planes, but that’s about it.
Okay, now we’re getting to some useful skill sets. As his name implies, Recondo is an expert in gathering intelligence on the field. Unfortunately, he has this whole jungle-man shtick going, so he probably wouldn’t fair well in the harsh desert climates of Afghanistan.