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Every “Twin Peaks” Character Ranked by How Easy It Would Be to Live With Them

50. Josie Packard

Typically, I prefer roommates who have never shot anyone. That doesn’t necessarily rule out people who have shot someone, but at the very least they should have a clear, discernible, logical reason for shooting them. Literally, any time I’ve lived with someone trigger-happy with a checkered past I’ve regretted it, so I’m a pass on Josie.

49. Old Waiter

I’m not an ageist, I just don’t like the way old people look and behave. I’m the kind of guy who always hits the snooze alarm too much so I’m rushing around every morning. I can’t afford to run into this old geezer in the kitchen and get Shanghaied into a 10-minute conversation about how it’s a nice day.

48. Jacques Renault

Jacques is automatically banned from moving in with me on the grounds that he is a Renault brother, but even if I were to overlook that, he’s still a shady bartender. Have you ever been to a shady bartender’s apartment? Well, let a shady bartender live with you, and all of a sudden that’s your apartment.

47. Shelly Johnson

Shelly is a waitress we first see spoon-feeding liquor to her secret high school boyfriend Bobby Briggs as he’s speeding through town. Every other decision she makes is actually worse than that somehow. The girl is a mess.

46. Bobby Briggs

I would hate to live with this entitled little hot-headed prick. He seems like the kind of guy that would always talk about craft beer or how he’s going to get rich selling Cut-Co knives. He probably thinks that if all else fails, he can take over his dad’s air force command business. I’m not sharing an apartment with this man-boy.

45. Phillip “Mike” Gerard

This one-armed man is actually two people. One is a mild-mannered salesman by the name of Gerard. The other is an inter-dimensional entity who served as the evil accomplice of BOB before seeing the face of God, and his name is Mike. I’m not dealing with that nonsense unless Gerald/Mike is willing to pay two shares of rent, which I doubt they’ll do on a salesman’s salary.

44. Hank Jennings

Hank is such a shadeball that he served time for vehicular manslaughter as a smokescreen for a worse crime he committed. If I let this dude move in he would be all smiles and charm, and then all the sudden I would wake up realizing I had been drugged and all the copper wire would be gone. Pass.

43. Harold Smith

There’s nothing worse than a roommate who’s always there, and this son of a bitch is ALWAYS there. Besides, I’ve killed every cactus I’ve ever owned, so Harold’s precious orchids have a pretty slim chance in this place.

42. Sarah Palmer

Sarah and I would be incompatible roommates because of our differing schools of thought when it comes to ceiling fans. I believe the fan should run counterclockwise, pulling in cool air from outside. Sarah believes the fan should be stared at with a sense of horror until you have an existential breakdown and scream at it. Agree to disagree.

41. Harriet Hayward

All we really know about Harriet is that she takes her poetry very seriously and narcs on her sister when she sneaks out of the house after curfew. Neither is a quality I seek in a roommate.

40. Jonathan Kumagai

Henchmen make lousy roommates. They keep weird hours, they get blood everywhere, and they’re constantly dying.

39. Dougie Milford

Like I said earlier, I’m not an ageist. I’m just repulsed by the very sight of elderly people. Also, Dougie has been married a bunch of times, so you know he has issues committing. I need someone who’s going to honor the lease.

38. Ronnette Pulaski

Ronnette is in desperate need of a normal, stable living situation, and I sympathize, but I’m a light sleeper and the night terrors would be a deal breaker. Maybe I’m a bad person, but I’m not living with Ronnette.

37. Ernie Niles

I feel like a broken record, I’m not ageist. I just find old people to be untrustworthy and difficult to be around. Ernie is a lifelong con man, definitely not someone you want to be in bed with financially. Add to that the fact that he’s a turncoat rat who cracks under pressure. He wore a wire and sweat so much it short-circuited! I need to know my roommate can keep a cool head if things ever hit the fan.

36. Jenny

All we know about Jenny is that Audrey Horne was easily able to trick her into giving the number for One Eyed Jack’s. If she had some redeeming qualities, if we had any more to go on at all, she might rank higher on this list. All I know about her as a roommate is she is a potential security risk.

35. Emory Battis

This guy is a combination of my two least favorite demographics of people: Human traffickers and retail managers. No way am I sharing a bathroom with this creep.

34. Evelyn Marsh

Of all the soap opera caricatures living in and around Twin Peaks, Evelyn is the most 2-dimensional. If I’m going to live with a woman who’s constantly trying to honeytrap and frame me, I want her to at least have some nuance.

33. Mike Nelson

He’s Bobby Briggs’s best friend, that’s red flag number one. He also has questionable relationships. He was super possessive and short-tempered when it came to Donna, and while Nadine was much older than him she did not have full mental agency at the time they dated. You never wanna live with someone who deserves to be canceled.

32. Agent Roger Hardy

This guy works for Internal Affairs, so he’s basically like a narc for narcs. That doesn’t make him cooler than a narc, it just puts him further down the narc rabbit hole. No one who questions the methods of Dale Cooper is gonna live under my roof.

31. Nancy O’Reilly

I guess I would take her over her sister Blackie, but she loses big points for trying to stab Cooper.

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