Russian Circles is one of the most reliable workhorse bands in all of indie metal. They’re 99.9% instrumental, they eschew gimmickry of any sort, and, despite being a three-piece, they consistently create absolute tidal waves of reverb- and delay-drenched sound. This is a “there are no bad albums” sort of situation if there ever was one, but pointless hierarchies are the meat and potatoes of music appreciation, so let’s go ahead and rank all eight of their studio albums anyway.
8. Enter (2006)
This is a solid debut, and the band shows off their aptitude for the good old loud-quiet-loud formula right out of the gate, as well as drummer Dave Turncrantz’ ability to incorporate understated syncopation into unexpected moments in almost every song. This album sounds like exactly what it is: an entirely enjoyable proof-of-concept for what the band will go on to do. It’s just that they’ll go on to do it even better.
Play It Again: “Death Rides a Horse” and “Macabre” – Colin DeKuiper didn’t last long in Russian Circles, but his bass playing on these two tracks is especially cool and interesting
Skip It: “You Already Did” – No no, that’s the title of the track, I’m not accusing you of already skipping something. Anyway, it’s fine, but it sort of feels like copy/paste post-metal
7. Memorial (2013)
This record went in two directions at once: The soft parts got softer and the heavy parts got heavier. That’s a great concept in theory, and there are some absolute ragers on here, not to mention a few moments where you might be tempted to dig your lava lamp out of the attic. The album’s structure was allegedly inspired by Pink Floyd’s “Animals,” right down to the bookending tracks “Memoriam” and “Memorial.” For any band aspiring to play eclectic instrumental metal, this might be a masterpiece. Russian Circles’ discography is so close to flawless that we’ve somehow put it at #7.
Play it Again: “Deficit” – This one kicks off with some brutal dissonance that feels especially potent coming off of the dreamy opening track; the juxtaposition works perfectly.
Skip It: “Cheyenne” – It’s not even bad, but we have to pick something.
6. Blood Year (2019)
The production on this record shows just how hot Russian Circles was at this point. Not only was Kurt Fucking Ballou handling the engineering, but much of the tracking was done at Steve Goddamn Albini’s Electrical Audio studio. And unsurprisingly, as with just about everything Ballou touches, the sound is just absolutely impeccable, especially the drums. That man just knows exactly how to mic a kit, and it helps that the drumwork on this record is just dynamite. Exhibit A: track #2, “Arluck.” Ballou puts the drums just a notch higher in the mix than you might expect, and the outcome is magical. The band also does more with transitions between songs than in the past, creating a seamlessness that is fairly common in the genre, but that reaches its apex here. The segue from the gentle “Ghost on High” to the crushing “Sinaia” is so perfectly-executed that it might as well be a single track. The end of the record starts to feel a little more generic – the chuggy riffs in “Quartered” are a little uninspired – but again, “generic” Russian Circles is better than a whole lot of other stuff you could be listening to.
Play It Again: “Arluck” and “Sinaia” – Check out the live Audiotree version of the latter on YouTube too for a nice glimpse of how the band’s sound translates to live performance.
Skip It: We asked, and our editor said we can’t stop choosing skippable songs until the second half of the list, so yeah, go ahead and skip “Quartered” – It’s the last track, so just pull off the needle after “Sinaia” and pretend it’s the closer.
5. Geneva (2009)
Adding a strings section to a metal record is always a dicey proposition. You risk sounding too soft or too pretentious or too much like you’re trying to hang with bands whose genre tags include words like “symphonic.” But unsurprisingly, Russian Circles nails it, adding cello by Allison Chesley and violin by Susan Voelz. Their contributions don’t change the fundamental shape of the band’s sound; they just add depth and nuance, which is pretty much exactly what you should expect from these sorts of collaborations. Bassist Brian Cook showcases his ability to shift on a dime from reliable rhythm section journeyman to standout virtuoso. This album feels like a bleak but oddly pretty winter afternoon between Christmas and New Year’s, and we cannot more highly recommend having it in your ears while you take a long walk in the woods.
Play It Again: “Hexed All” – Damn is this thing beautiful, a perfect example of a softer side of metal that still hits really hard
Skip It: “When the Mountain Comes to Muhammed” – Like “Hexed All,” this is another relatively chill track, just not as good or affecting.
4. Station (2008)
Now that we’ve hit the top half of the list, we could easily and happily put the remaining records in almost any order and be happy with it. First off, this album is NOT a recording of all those dudes on the cover singing a metal version of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” so be careful about gifting this to your veteran grandfather. We learned that one the hard way. No, “Station” is an outstanding introduction to Russian Circles’ unique sound, which is to say – though this is generally the kiss of death in underground and heavy music – it’s pretty accessible. It also includes “Harper Lewis,” perhaps Russian Circles’ signature song, an immaculately-constructed piece of post-metal that features guitarist Mike Sullivan’s understated virtuosity at finger-tapping and knowing exactly how and when to use his loop pedals. Speaking of, it’s kinda odd that we’ve gotten this far in the list without even mentioning Sullivan, who, as guitarist, has a sort of de facto leadership role in the band. But his ability to do exactly what each song needs, which often means stepping back and letting Cook and Turncrantz run the show, is a big part of what makes this band great.
Play It Again: “Harper Lewis” and the title track
Skip It: “Xavii” – It’s actually pretty good, but it’s also a really similar vibe as “Hexed All” (see #5), just not quite as good.
Honorable Mention: Live at Dunk! Fest (2017)
It’s easy to think of Russian Circles primarily as a studio band because, well, they make kick-ass records. But also because their sound is dense and layered and they only have three full-time members, so they obviously have to rely pretty substantially on multitracking. But they are still crushingly heavy live, thanks largely to how well Sullivan knows his way around a pedalboard. This live set from Belgium captures that brilliantly.
Play It Again: The whole shebang. Their live sets are so thoughtfully constructed and effectively pulled off that they should be listened to straight through, without so much as a bathroom break.
3. Guidance (2016)
There was a critical consensus when this album came out that the songs felt a little more feral than fussed-over, and that rough-around-the-edges quality will be pretty apparent by the time the album is halfway over. The chuggy bass works perfectly on tracks like “Vorel,” coming across more as an organic outgrowth of the songwriting than like a post-metal take on “Kill ‘Em All,” which is sometimes more the case on their earliest work. There are also some really intense mid-song tempo shifts that briefly make us think of technical death metal, a genre that we can imagine these guys listen to, but would never ever describe them as. We wouldn’t argue with anyone who made this their #1 or #2 pick.
Play It Again: “Asa” and “Vorel,” which essentially form a two-movement suite and are entirely inseparable from one another. Also “Overboard,” which again shows the band’s ability to slow things down without sacrificing intensity.
Skip It: There’s nothing skippable at this point in the ranking.
2. Gnosis (2022)
Holy HELL, did they ever go hard on this one. This was Russian Circles’ pandemic album, and it shows in every single note. It’s the sound of a creative mind in isolation scratching ferociously at the walls. We have to imagine that, at some point, they were tempted to title it “Quarantine” because that’s the best possible description of its aesthetic. The YouTuber critics at Thralls of Metal put it best with two perfect encapsulations of “Gnosis’” whole deal: “The riffs in half of these songs are out to hurt you” and (paraphrased): “I never thought I’d stank-face to Russian Circles.” We couldn’t put it better. The one outlier, “O Braonáin,” a dreamy 105-second lullaby, sounds like something you could play at an Irish funeral, but shouldn’t, because when the first notes of “Betrayal” hit without warning, the deceased’s family would be very upset with you. This record is awesome, and a legitimate contender for #1.
Play It Again: “Betrayal” and “Vlastimil” – and yeah, prepare to stank-face
Skip It: What are you, high?
1. Empros (2011)
This was probably Russian Circles’ heaviest work before “Gnosis” dropped over a decade later, and it is just about perfect. The songwriting is top-notch. The see-sawing dynamics – loud and soft, abrasive and sonorous, grandiose and modest – are cohesive and organically intertwined. And album opener “309” is an unassailable masterpiece, a twisty and complex 9-minute scorcher that brings together thrash, doom, ambient, and an overarching apocalyptic sensibility that carries throughout the whole record.
Play It Again: Whenever you can.
Skip It: Why? Why would you do that?
This album has the vibe that can best be described as: Eeyeore head-ass. In all seriousness, when people set out to roast the Mountain Goats – and they often do, even the fans – a common critique that’s brought up is that the band tends to sound whiny. And mewling. And not very… what’s the term… not-unpleasant. And that lack of pleasantness is never on display better than in “Get Lonely.” Oh, it’s a very competently produced record. There are some truly great moments on it. It has a great, spare folk sound, like Darnielle is trying to cosplay as Nick Drake. But ultimately, this is a record that feels better suited for ardent fans than newcomers.
“All Eternals Deck” is probably the most Rock-focused album the Mountain Goats ever put out. Especially with songs like “Estate Sale Sign” and “Prowl Great Cain.” It almost feels reminiscent of the pop-punk and emo music that was popular at the start of the new millennium. Except, you know, not crawling with sexual predators.
Boy oh boy we love a COVID project, don’t we? Some of us made sourdough, some of us learned guitar, some of us started podcasts. Some of us went off the absolute deep end and decided to have a… baby for whatever reason. John Darnielle decided to use the regulations and isolations of COVID-19 to record “Songs for Pierre Chuvin,” a short, abrasive and odd little album that harkens back to the band’s early, lo-fi days. There’s nothing really wrong with this album. It’s named for a dead historian, it’s got songs about pagans and hopeful assassins. It’s a great entry point to the pre- “Tallahassee” sound of the band. But still, once you’ve heard “Coroner’s Gambit” or “Sweden,” it’s very hard for this to quite measure up.
For whatever reason “Full Force Galesburg” tends to get the short end of the stick when people talk about The Mountain Goats’ lo-fi era. And sure, to be clear, it’s not the band’s best album. But it is a clear step on the way to the sound that would ultimately feature in albums like “Heretic Pride” and “In League With Dragons,” with Darnielle toning down the buzz-saw abrasiveness (in parts) for something a little more melodic and folksy. Overall, it’s a very good, if sometimes slightly boring listen. Of all the album covers we’ve gotten from The Mountain Goats, this is one of the least pleasant, with canary yellow background and appropriated Hindu art just randomly in one corner. But still, and it bears repeating… Hi, Joel.
This is an album that suffers from one problem. It front-loads a lot of its least impressive material. Specifically songs like “Heights,” which feel like meandering scribble scrabble. Like a dumb little donkey child doing a placemat maze. Still, this album is full of brave choices. Like John Darnielle, with his… John Darnielle voice, doing a cover of Blues standard “Hellhound on My Trail,” is… a choice. Playing it super uptempo is also a choice. It doesn’t not work. But it’s a choice. That being said, the opener, “Then the Letting Go” is one of the all-time best Mountain Goats songs. Beautiful and understated and not even two minutes long. Other songs like “Alpha Double Negative: Going to Catalina” are fantastic continuations of the “Alpha Couple’s” blistering journey toward divorce.
Oh fuck me, this cover’s ugly. It’s weird how such an aggressive seeming album, one in which Darnielle promises to jab us “in the eye with a foreign object,” opens with a little kitty-whimper of a song in “Southwestern Territory.” Still, there is a lot of bluster to “Beat the Champ,” but it never quite seems to rise to the challenge of some of the other Mountain Goats albums from the 2010s.
Amazingly, this and “Songs for Pierre Chuvin” came out mere months apart. They couldn’t sound more different. Whereas “Pierre Chuvin” is grating, brief and lo-fi, “Getting Into Knives” is jazzy, lush and thoroughly hi-fi. It’s classic recent Mountain Goats fare. Snarky lyrics. Catchy hooks. Darnielle screaming as often as he’s singing. There are some incredible singles like “Get Famous.” The issue here is, much like “Pierre,” there’s really nothing super new here. Also, it’s weird that this is where Darnielle decided to make some super long songs.
“OH MY GOD, it’s ‘GOING TO GEORGIA!’ OH MY GOD! OH…” Great. Yeah. We love “Going to Georgia,” don’t we folks. That’s… the song on here that TikTok made famous, huh. Nobody talked about this album forever and then TikTok made “Going to Georgia” big. You really like it. You know what… you really wanna know what, though, folks? We like “Going to Georgia” too. But this album has a lot of great stuff on it aside from that, the introduction of the should-be-divorced Alpha Couple, for instance, and the first and only full-length appearance of the backing group, The Bright Mountain Choir.
I don’t know how it wouldn’t be obvious to everyone that John Darnielle was one day going to make a “D&D” themed concept album, but of course he did. That’s not to say this is the audible equivalent of listening to a “Dungeons and Dragons” session. It’s far too quick and pleasant and the people making it seem at least tangentially aware of nudity. In all seriousness, “In League With Dragons” is pretty good all the way through. It’s one of Darnielle’s more personal albums, touching on his experiences with drugs. The opening track, “Done Bleeding” is a particularly good example of this. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with this album, but it feels pretty well-worn territory-wise by now.
Remember when this album came out and The Alamo Drafthouse used “Training Montage” in a trailer for their September 2022 lineup? Remember how fun it was watching Coraline’s Other Mother jump down her spider web while John sang: “I’M DOING THIS FOR REVENGE?” No? Just us? Did not a lot of you go to the Alamo Drafthouse in late August of last year? Hey… do not a lot of you have access (either proximity wise or financially) to an Alamo Drafthouse? No. Oh, fuck, well… this ain’t gonna work. Either way, this album came out at the right time for us. We’d all just started boxing to work on our anger issues and it felt great blasting this album on the ride home from the gym. 8/10 Fighting Mittens. Which is what we could call Boxing Gloves if we ever met Logan Paul, because it would really piss him off.
I have a little secret that I’m only going to share with you, don’t whisper a word of it to anyone, but I prefer this album to “Tallahassee.” And it’s not close. However… cultural legacy is important and blah, blah, blah, blah blah… there’s great stuff on here. And y’all overlook it because it came out in between “Tallahassee” and “The Sunset Tree?” Well… that’s fair. It’s tough being the shrimp between two whales. But seriously, when was the last time you truly listened to “Slow West Vultures?” When was the last time you sat and… listened? To anything? Or anyone? When was the last time anyone smiled when they saw you coming? When was the last time you did something for someone else? When was the last time you believed in Heaven? Did you stop believing once you realized you had lived a life bound to fall short of grace? What would that change, do you think? If you listened? Either way. “We are who we are. Get in the goddamn car.” Okay?
The Thunderbird was a legend among the indigenous peoples of North America said to be so large that it created thunderstorms when it flapped its wings. This was disproved in the ‘70s when two Thunderbirds attacked a small boy. Witnesses estimated the actual wingspan to be a mere 10 feet. If there’s one thing I can’t tolerate in a hookup, it’s lying about size.
Bigfoot’s weird Floridian cousin. Between his giant Pepe Le Pew-like appearance and the fact that he chooses to live in Florida, I’m betting Skunk Ape would come on a little strong for my taste. Buy a guy a drink first!
He’s the Bigfoot of Australia, and I’m a sucker for the accent, but the Yowie’s reputation for aggression and violence is kind of a turn-off. He must be a descendant of a Bigfoot criminal the other Bigfoots shipped down under when their prisons got too crowded.
Early reports of Trunko were wild. A giant polar bear-like fish with an elephant trunk? Sign me up! Unfortunately in 2010, some photos surfaced proving that Trunko was likely just a hunk of rotting whale flesh that washed up on shore. Humpable in an emergency, but not really my type.
This “creature” was the inspiration for what some consider to be the first found footage horror movie “The Legend of Boggy Creek.” He is described as being a large, hairy man-like creature with red eyes, but I’ve been to Arkansas, and it was probably just some dude.
A lake monster, like good ole Nessy, but this one resides in Burlington Vermont so he’s got a more crunchy/granola vibe. If I were still a teenager Champ would be a total dreamboat, but I’m done pretending to be into Phish no matter how big and scaly you are.
I’m not going to try and tell you that octopus sex wouldn’t be hot, we all know it is. I just think the Kraken must have a huge ego. He’s got his own rum, his own cryptocurrency, he’s in movies, he even has his own catchphrase, “Release the Kraken!” I’m looking to have sex with a crypto-zoological creature that’s a little more down to earth.
Africa is a hotbed for Cryptids that are probably just regular animals that haven’t been photographed yet. The African Peacock was considered a cryptid until its existence was confirmed in 1936. Sex with regular animals is wrong, but until they’ve been captured on film they are fair game! Please, no one photographed this undiscovered wild dog until I’ve had sex with it.
Selkies are mythical Scottish seals with the ability to shape-shift into humans. I guess that comes in handy if you enjoy sex with humans, which to be clear, I DON’T!
Wampanoag folklore tells of the Pukwudgie, a name that roughly translates to “little wild man of the woods that vanishes.” I’ve had my share of wild men in the woods that vanish. I’m looking for a cryptid that’s ready to commit.
Specimens of this giant water snake/sea horse hybrid have allegedly been captured live twice, but both times it was released back into the water. Sounds like a pretty checkered dating history, no thanks.
Some accounts of this centuries-old Russian cryptid have it that it’s a giant dragon-like creature that swallowed an entire airplane during WWII. Others say it’s just a larger-than-average beaver. I could maybe be persuaded into a hookup, but Brosno Dragon, you need to figure yourself out before you start thinking about a relationship.
I think I speak for all cryptosexuals when I say I’m more into chimeras with human bodies and animal heads, not the other way around. Besides, you don’t get your own ancient Egyptian monument without developing a pretty massive ego.
Glowing eyes and tendril-like fingers are sexy, but all the crypto-zoological sex in the world wouldn’t be hot enough to get me through another Massachusetts winter.
He’s a true mystery man. Reports of his appearance differ wildly, and there is some debate over whether he is an actual creature or the spirit of the river. In the early 20th century several expeditions were made to the Congo in an effort to find him, but those crypto-zoologists turned up nothing because they didn’t employ my technique — seduction.
Welsh mythology tells of this giant frog with bat wings and a long lizard-like tail with a stinger on the end. This nefarious creature uses these unholy attributes to… snap fishing line? Sorry, but I’m not sleeping with a cryptid that refuses to live up to its lethal potential.
I already know I’m going to catch flack for putting The Mothman so low on this list of cryptids I would like to have sex with. I get it. Seven feet tall, enormous wings, and glowing red eyes, he’s a hottie. I just can’t hear the name “Mothman” and not think about Richard Gere. It’s a mood killer. It’s not you Mothman, it’s me, okay?
According to legend, in 1735 a woman named Jane Leeds, frustrated upon learning she was pregnant with her 13th child, cursed her own pregnancy and declared her offspring would be “a devil.” She proceeded to birth a horse or goat-like creature with giant leathery bat wings, aka a total smoke-show. Unfortunately, this stud loses points on account of the fact that older men from New Jersey are notoriously selfish lovers.
Basically like the winged monkeys from “Wizard of Oz” but without wings. They’re just mean scary monkeys is all I’m saying. They also tend to travel in packs, and I’m just not really into the group thing anymore.
You might think a relationship between a human and a reptile-bird chimera is strange, which is why I’m glad Snallygaster lives near Baltimore. The residents of Charm City aren’t prudes, and they wouldn’t bat an eye at the two of us sharing crab cakes by the harbor, browsing around Atomic Books, and scooping helpless victims into the sky to drink their blood. It’s called being open-minded.
This serpentine lake monster is said to be 50 feet long and thicker than a telephone pole, so you know he’s and ideal lover, and he’s Canadian so you know he’s nice!