Atmospheric Black Metal Band Lists Influences Ranging From “The Hobbit” to “The Lord of the Rings”

Posted on by Zach Hudson

TACOMA, Wash. — Atmospheric black metal band Galadriel’s Mirror pushed back against critics who claim their only influence is “The Lord of the Rings,” claiming their sound is also influenced by “The Hobbit.”

“Critics often compare us to other atmospheric black metal projects, but what sets us apart is that we take influence from all of Tolkein’s work, not just one or two books,” said guitarist/vocalist Scott ‘Foe Hammer’ Wilson. “Revisit our first album and you’ll hear references to Esgaroth and Gollum’s cave. A lot of these newer bands only write about the Misty Mountains or Entish lore. We’re actually working on a concept album about life as a peasant in the Gap of Rohan, prior to the Battle of Helm’s Deep.”

Other bands in the scene still question the legitimacy of Galadriel’s Mirror, including Erebor drummer Mark Hadley.

“Galadriel’s Pool or whoever are such posers,” said Hadley. “It’s obvious their bassist has only ever seen the movies and none of them have even read ‘The Silmarillion.’ If you ask them about it they’ll just walk away. They also don’t have the musicianship to capture the ethereal yet punishing landscape of Middle Earth. I wouldn’t be surprised if they devolved into one of those cringey castle metal bands in a few years.”

Varg Vikernes unintentionally went on a twenty-minute tangent irrelevant to the matter despite nobody asking his opinion.

“The Hobbits–they had no religion, you know,” said Vikernes while meticulously painting figurines for his board games. “Their love of permaculture and traditional family structure made them revered by the elves and rest of the New World Order. Modern western men have much to learn from the Shirefolk, you know. To understand how to resist the temptation of unnatural pleasures just as Frodo resisted the allure of the one ring is necessary to return to our primitive roots. We must do this, lest the West shall fall.”

At press time, Galadriel’s Mirror responded to Erebor’s “poser” accusation by challenging them to Tolkien trivia, but they’ve yet to commit to a date.

Every When We Were Young 2024 Album Play Ranked By How Much My Kids Hate Listening To It In The Car

Posted on by Steve Esparra

If there’s one thing we here at Hard Times are sure of, it’s that Father Time is undefeated all-time. Which makes sense, because after all, he is a father, and fathers are always right. As you feel yourself aging your way out of your local music scene and into your local Costco scene, it’s imperative that you remember where you came from; that is, if your declining, decrepit memory will allow it you fucking fossil.

Then a festival announcement comes along and pushes you completely over the hill and into the graveyard. And they name it “When We Were Young” to remind you that time is a fleeting construct and your knees and/or back probably couldn’t even handle an all day show anyway. And they put it in a town that you already probably wouldn’t survive a trip to at your advanced age, although that was probably to convince the elderly to show up for the warmer temps.

So grab your CD book, call your babysitter, and trade in those credit card points for airline miles, because this is every album play at When We Were Young 2024 ranked by the most hated to least hated by my children. Please note that Fall Out Boy, LS Dunes, and Carr are not listed, as they aren’t playing any of their albums in full. Although Fall Out Boy would have been disqualified anyway, as it wouldn’t be fair to the other bands since Disney Junior has already indoctrinated my kids into liking them.

51. The Devil Wears Prada “Plagues”

Guess what, daddy makes his living on the internet so HTML Rulez D00dz! But yeah, the kids HATE this one. When I put it on my youngest threatened to undo his seatbelt and jump out the window. Oh well, tough shit. Although the oldest did make the comment that mommy’s bag says “Prada” on it. Out of the mouth of babes.

50. My Chemical Romance “The Black Parade”

Best album on the list? Probably. The one my kids hate the most? A definite possibility. It might have to do with the fact that every time it comes on I choke up; no one wants to see their dad cry. For the record, I’m not weeping because I love my kids so much or anything… it’s from not being able to see MyChem at a VFW anymore.

49. 3OH!3 “Want”

It’s crucial to remember that being a parent is finding a teachable moment in everything. Despite my better judgment, I played the boys this album as a cautionary tale of how not to speak to or about women, and more importantly, how not to try to mix musical genres. Judging by their abject of this album these kids will turn out ok.

48. Pierce The Veil  “Collide with the Sky”

“May These Noises Startle You In Your Sleep Tonight”? “One Hundred Sleepless Nights”? “I’m Low On Gas And You Need A Jacket”? Is this an emocore album or the title of my autobiography? Kids hate it, padre loves it… and padre controls the radio.

47. Sleeping With Sirens “Let’s Cheers To This”

What has four corners and two thumbs up? The SUV when this album plays. It’s dad jokes like this that cement my status as a trophy father with trophy sons. Unfortunately, the other 6 thumbs in the SUV are either pointing down or being sucked.

46. Dashboard Confessional  “Dusk and Summer”

It’s important when you have toddlers to display emotional intelligence to show them how to process the vast range of feelings one can experience in this life. All that is to say, they’ve heard this album exactly one time and I will never play it again.

45. Alesana “The Emptiness”

Okay, this one is a MAJOR no. The spoken word at the beginning of the album scared the ever living shit out of the baby. Once he started crying, it was like a domino effect of all three demanding I change it immediately. Not trying to traumatize my kids before 1st grade, we can listen to Cocomelon again.

44. Chiodos  “All’s Well That Ends Well”

On top of the album title being a popular idiom in our house, “One Day Women Will All Become Monsters” is the next logical progression of the cootie-driven “boys rule and girls drool” phrase the boys love to parrot. But no, they don’t particularly care for this one.

43. Bayside “Self-Titled”

If you don’t want me to call you peanut, stop acting like a peanut gallery. My kids don’t understand this joke, although I’ve explained it to them multiple times. Someday they will appreciate my humor, unlike this album which they are wrong for not enjoying.

42. The Maine “Can’t Stop Won’t Stop”

Lots of lessons to be had on this one, boys.

For the oldest: girls do what they want, boys do what they can.
For the middle child (who doesn’t listen for shit):: when I say it’s time to go, it’s time to go.
And for the baby: count ‘em 1, 2, 3! Yay!

…this one is a no.

41. The Wonder Years “The Greatest Generation”

Throughout your life you will hear a lot of talk about “The Greatest Generation,” which is meant to refer to Daddy’s Nana and Grandpa’s generation that survived The Great Depression and two world wars. But I’m here to tell you that Xennials (daddy’s generation) is actually the greatest one, because we got to exist during The Wonder Years as a TV show and a band.

40. The Starting Line “Say It Like You Mean It”

Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere. Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere. Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere. Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere.

Nobody likes this album and I’m guessing these guys will play to an empty field.

39. August Burns Red “Constellations”

Not one of my fucking kids likes this landmark of an album. It’s almost like they don’t have my blood in their veins. I’m torn between telling them they’re adopted or giving them up for it. No room for taste that poor in this family.

38. Hawthorne Heights “The Silence in Black and White”

Hey kids, do you know the difference between screamo and emo pop? Fuck if I know… I was asking you. I have no idea. When you get older I’ll explain MTV to you and how it ruined everything, though.

37. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus “Don’t You Fake It”

The album is sweet, but the kids hate it for some unknown reason. My best guess is “Don’t You Fake It” is constantly shouted in our house, as in “Apologize to your brother, and don’t you fake it!” How the hell do you explain what an “apparatus” is to a 4-year-old?

36. New Found Glory “Sticks And Stones”

Boys, did you know that before this album even came out daddy saw this band at the Wayne Firehouse? I know I’m old… but what do we say? No, not “bros before hoes,” the other one. That’s right…sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me.

35. Cobra Starship “¡Viva la Cobra!”

How bad of a parent do you think I am?

34. Underoath “They’re Only Chasing Safety”

One of my favorite albums of all time, Daddy definitely likes this one more than the boys. You could probably chalk this up to me constantly screaming “WHATEVER I SAY GOESSS” at bedtime. Weirdly, they do like “Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape” because the drop scares the beJesus out of them (hopefully).

33. Say Anything – “…Is a Real Boy”

This album is just under an hour, so we never get to listen to it as we are rarely driving that far to begin with. But even if it was a road trip, I doubt we’d make it the whole way through.

32. Four Year Strong “Enemy Of The World”

Pop quiz kiddies: if an album has clean vocals, sing-alongs, catchy riffs and hooks, but also double bass, screams, and breakdowns, is it pop punk or melodic hardcore? That’s correct… it doesn’t matter and just be thankful. Bonus question: will I still love you if you have neck tattoos at 19? Of course, but I will make fun of you.

31. Mom Jeans “Best Buds”

Things my kids like: Girl Scout cookies, when daddy has a mustache for Thanksgiving, and their best buds. Things my kids don’t like: boxer shorts and this album for some reason. I’m also getting tired of trying to explain how “mom jeans” are different from regular jeans.

30. Senses Fail “Still Searching”

It’ll be a cold day in hell before I care whether these kids like this album or not; Senses Fail is from New Jersey and thus part of their heritage. If they don’t grow up to love this album I will have failed as a parent. Either that, or my kids will be really good cowboys.

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6 Effective Ways To Remain Anemic When It’s Your Only Personality Trait

Posted on by Carson Lolley

Do you have cold hands and really want everyone to know about it? Have you ever looked at sand and thought, ‘Mmm, I want that in my mouth’? Well, you’re in luck! We’ve compiled a list of 6 science-backed tips to stay anemic in case eating ice and getting dizzy are the most interesting things about you.

1. Give Up Meat

Okay, we know. A little obvious. But vegetarianism is the first and most vital step to lowering that iron count. Are your friends and family concerned about how you’re going to get your daily proteins and minerals? They should be. If they haven’t expressed this to you at every communal meal, consider going vegan for good measure.

2. No Bodybuilding Allowed

What are dumbbells made of? Lots of things, probably. But what are some dumbbells made of? That’s right: Iron. Our skin is extremely absorbent, and handling these weights with bare hands puts everything we’ve worked so hard for at risk. If you must make contact, wear protective gloves and goggles, but avoiding contact with weights or strenuous activity of any kind is your best option. Can’t get iron if you’re not pumping iron. Simple as that.

3. Ingest Magnets

A lot of people look down on eating magnets. Some might call it childish, others call it deadly, and most people call it “you did what?!” but we just call it getting the job done. The molecules within magnets are arranged to allow for their electrons to spin in the same direction, creating a magnetic pole. When you swallow a magnet and it passes through your system, this magnetism will attract and capture the molecules within the iron, effectively pulling it from your digestive tract and bloodstream.

4. Move to Eastern Europe

Most people believe the Iron Curtain to be a political metaphor for the division between Eastern and Western Europe during the Cold War. However, isn’t it possible that the Iron Curtain is a literal, tangible thing that filters out iron and other related minerals from the water supply? You won’t know until you try!

5. Resort to Bloodletting and Human Sacrifice

Cultivate low iron… and lifelong friendships. Trendy cults are always looking for new victims to use in bloodletting rituals and what have you. Don’t ask any questions though! Just make yourself readily available to whatever cult is located geographically closest to you, and they’ll suck your iron dry. Sure, it’s high risk, but it’s also high reward. Seriously though, do not ask any questions.

6. Just Have Fun With It!

Iron could be anyone or anywhere at any time. It’s in the air we breathe, the water we drink, and the dirt we play in. Sometimes, it’s just plain unavoidable. So if you get a little iron in your system, don’t beat yourself up about it. I mean, definitely don’t, because you will bruise.

In the wise words of Abraham Lincoln, “The only thing you have to fear is Fe itself.” We’re paraphrasing, and being extremely contrived, but keep your head high and your iron low. You got this!

Punk Magician Makes Friends’ Cigarettes Disappear

Posted on by Emma Jonas

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Professional punk magician Lyle “Skid” Harber is reportedly creating spectacles at a number of dive bars in his neighborhood by magically making friends’ cigarettes disappear, confirmed sources who couldn’t believe they were already down to a few cigarettes left in their pack.

“When Skid is around, my full pack of Camel Filters gets down to the lucky within minutes,” said friend and fellow dive bar patron Nell Manoukian. “I have no idea how he does it but it’s amazing! Sometimes, I’m even missing a few bucks out of my wallet, but I don’t mind. I love to be dazzled! Seems like word is traveling fast about this guy too. That’s why everyone tries to hide their smokes when he’s around, but by the end of the night they’ve all made several trips to 7-Eleven to re-up on their packs. Just an incredible talent on display.”

Harber says spectators are constantly asking him how he performs his tricks and many have theorized advanced sleight-of-hand techniques or the use of prop cigarette packs.

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” Harber said, uncannily doubling the pile of empty PBR cans before him. “Let’s just say it’s all about knowing when to make my move and doing it with unquestioning confidence. It helps to believe that those cigarettes never belonged to my friends in the first place. Magicians are always three or four steps ahead of everyone. That’s how I haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes in five years.”

Local children’s magician Dottie Henderson, known to fans as The Amazing Dottie, says Harber has gone too far with his trickery.

“Magic is supposed to be about creation and sharing,” Henderson said. “Not only is this Skid guy teaching people it’s ok to use magic for personal gain, he’s undercutting all of us entertainers who have been in the biz for decades. Where I’d charge a full day’s salary for a 20-head kids’ birthday party, he’s doing it for three drink tickets and a Marlboro Light. And by the end of it, the kids have managed to pocket every lighter in sight. Why can’t he just juggle scarves like the rest of us?”

Harber reportedly plans to move on to more spectacular pursuits, daring even to try his hand at necromancy, claiming that “punk’s not dead, or it won’t be after I’ve worked my magic on it.”

Opinion: I’m Sure We’ll All Laugh About This One Day in AA

Posted on by Dom Turek

Despite what your friends, family members, and recently assigned parole officer might say, circumstances that seem tragic right now will soon be something you and your future friends in Alcoholics Anonymous are going to laugh about. Don’t believe me?

Remember when I thought I’d never get over Cathy Roberts dumping me at the eighth-grade dance? Or the summer I vowed to run away after getting grounded for egging old man Snyder’s house? Or that time last weekend when I got so black-out shit-faced drunk that I jumped out of my girlfriend’s moving vehicle and caused a three-car pile-up?

Our desperate need to assign meaning to our suffering blinds us to the fact that some of our most “reputation-destroying” and “nearly lethal” decisions will one day be comical memories that will have you reclining back in a folding chair at your local AA chapter saying, “Man, those were the days.”

I’m sure in just a few short years, the third-degree road rash, traumatic brain injury, and shattered collarbone I sustained as a result of jumping from my girlfriend’s Camry will be completely healed, and I’ll have added yet another spicy anecdote to my roster of hijinks

Drinking alone outside the gas station and calling my now ex-girlfriend every five minutes to leave her a litany of incriminating voicemails that could later be used against me in court might seem bleak right now, but I’m almost positive I’ll be laughing about this one day in a dimly lit church basement surrounded by peers who also have the serenity to accept the things they cannot change, the courage to change the things they can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Hell, I’m sure a few of them will have similar stories about causing an accident that resulted in a six-year-old child breaking both legs.

Naysayers like to tell me that I’m in denial, that I’m not taking my situation seriously enough, or that they’re going to sue me for the physical, emotional, and vehicular damages I caused as a result of catapulting myself from a moving car on a major roadway, but I’m sure in time these victims will also look back at this and laugh once their jaws are unwired.

Centrist Supervillain Just Wants to Watch the World Maintain Status Quo

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — Centrist supervillain Devin “The Devil’s Advocater” Jameston gave an impassioned monologue today revealing his plan for global domination is just ensuring the world maintains the status quo, henchmen close to him reported.

“First, I’ll maintain all existing power structures, because they’re already doing a really good job of subjugating the masses,” cackled Jameston. “Then, I’ll acquire influence with politicians from both sides, which really only requires a shockingly small donation to their campaigns, we are talking like $75 here. Finally, I’ll take over a legacy media company to ensure any plan to help people that is more radical than a ‘Little Free Library’ will be perceived as dangerous and reactionary. Then all I have to do is sit back and watch as the world is destroyed by changing nothing at all! Best of all my arch nemesis, Moderate Man, will be powerless to stop me, unless he wants to be seen as being partisan, or worse: divisive.”

Meanwhile Johnathan “Moderate Man” Feldman was busy trying to find a way to go through the proper channels to stop The Devil’s Advocater, without coming off as too politically biased.

“Unfortunately my hands are tied — even though his evil schemes have killed millions, resorting to violence would make me just as bad as him,” said Feldman, brooding on his Substack. “I’ve tried voting, exposing his hypocrisy on Twitter, and even accepted dozens of offers to publicly debate on the Joe Rogan Experience but nothing has worked! Every time I think I have him cornered in a debate about the atrocities he’s committed, he steers the topic to trans athletes in women’s sports and he somehow escapes.”

As the two centrist titans clashed with the fate of the world in the balance, New York Times columnist Ben Staley did his best to muddy the waters of the fierce existential battle.

“Sure, The Devil’s Advocater has been involved in millions of death-related incidents, but he’s done so equally on both sides of the political aisle. In today’s divided world, that kind of nuanced commitment to balance is refreshing,” stated Staley’s Op-Ed. “And while I agree with a lot of what Moderate Man says, if he was any more preachy we’d have to start calling him Captain Cancel. The Devil’s Advocater might be a polarizing figure, but in this current political climate it would be more dangerous to not let him express his First Amendment right to monologue in great detail about how he’s going to destroy the world.”

At press time, it was also revealed that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas had failed to disclose dozens of luxury trips to the private volcano island belonging to The Devil’s Advocater.

20 Sufjan Stevens Songs That Will Ruin This Sex Party

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It’s a normal problem: your friend brought you to this exclusive sex party, but you want to listen to Sufjan Stevens. Suddenly, you’re in a beautiful tony environment. This downtown loft has velvet curtains. The scented candles are a nice touch. Whoever is throwing this party has money. You might be the only newbie here; everyone here seems to know each other, or is at least familiar with the general mood. And you can tell – these are definitely people that want to listen to Sufjan Stevens during an orgy. Where’s that aux cord? This Sade and D’Angelo playlist is working OK, but it’s time to bring the level of sincere earnestness up in this room. Group sex is always improved with tragic ballads and whimsical instrumentation. You’ve come ready with condoms, lube and a rich playlist of spiritual heartbreak pop – let’s get ready to fuck!

“All of the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands”

Has there ever been a sexier title to a song? This title alone will get the groove going. Also it’s from Sufjan’s album on Christian themes, ‘Seven Swans’ from 2004. Everyone is lounging on these couches in cuddle puddles, passing around spliffs and making out. Surely they want to talk about their religious experiences. You proudly walk around saying, “More like ‘All of the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Cheeks,’ amirite? Hum along loudly to let everyone know what a big Sufjan fan you are.

“John Wayne Gacy Jr.”

Get everyone at the orgy hot and bothered by bringing up one of America’s most notorious serial killers. Sufjan’s dulcet tones express the horror of discovering bodies under the floorboards, while bodies writhe on conveniently-placed mattresses. The folks on the balcony hot tub seem to enjoy this track. It’s just rude that everyone is too distracted to compliment you on your clown makeup.

“Carrie & Lowell”

Remember that nice couple you met at the start of the party? Mike and Susan? You try singing the start of this song to them, replacing the title names with their names. Unfortunately they’re a bit distracted, both being fucked by strangers. That’s alright, you’ll catch up with them later. They’re gonna love this bit.

“My Little Red Fox”

You walk around the party, trying to talk about the new Sufjan Stevens album, how heartbreaking and devastating the material is. Nobody really wants to engage and at this point, most people are pretty busy in the bedrooms. That’s alright, all the more reason to go to the kitchen and make a snack. Perhaps pop in your AirPods and give the new Sufjan album a listen while at this fuck party. Plus now you have this bowl of martini olives all to yourself, so it’s only uphill. Also, the cake they ordered is surprisingly delicious. You find the name of the bakery on the box and write it down in your Notes app for later. Who knew orgy cake was so good?

“Romulus”

The next song to come up is from his 2003 album ‘Michigan.’ This one is so good, you have to share it with the crowd. Find a mini-Bluetooth speaker and walk into the different bedrooms blasting this somber tune. Swinging couples definitely need lyrics like “When my turn came
/ I was ashamed,” to know that they’re having a good time. No performance issues while Sufjan Stevens is blasting!

“Lady Macbeth in Chains”

A crowd of people fucking each other absolutely love allusions to Shakespeare. Blast this sweetly sung tune to the sweaty swinging couples. If anyone asks, you can readily respond that this is from his 2021 collaboration with Angelo De Augustine. That catchy chorus is undeniable, even as people begin to ask you to politely go away.

“Will Anybody Ever Love Me?”

At this point the party is fully swinging, which is a perfect time to walk around loudly singing lyrics like, “Will anybody ever love me? / For good reasons, without grievance / Not for sport.” Look people dead in the eyes as they’re inside other guests, create a real moment of bonding. Hell, you even brought a sealed vinyl of his latest album ‘Javelin,’ which people have mostly been using to pass around coke.

“O Come O Come Emmanuel”

Clearly you chose this for the clever title. Unfortunately nobody else notices. You point this out to people actively achieving orgasm, totally disinterested. “Is this a fucking Christmas song, dude?” someone asks. You just turn the volume up on the Bluetooth speaker. Counteract any negativity by blasting this centuries-old Christian hymn, sung by your boy Sufjan.

“Visions of Gideon”

Remember how good that movie ‘Call Me By Your Name’ was? If people aren’t as receptive to talking about Sufjan, maybe you can chat about movies. Maybe swap Letterboxd info? Get our phone out, wave it around and ask people what their “Top 4” are. Strike up a chat with the voyeurs. The men standing at the edges of the room pleasuring themselves seem to be super into this song.

“Happy Birthday”

The friend that brought you here is very popular. Everyone seems to love them! Between the double penetration and busy hands, you forget that it’s your friend’s birthday. You go up to them and play this song from Sufjan’s first album ‘A Sun Came.’ They politely smile but wave you away, distracted by the face-level genitalia surrounding them. That’s alright, you’ll play this track for them on the car ride home.

“Chicago”

This is it. Time to get the spirits lifted with this anthem. Maybe swap out the tiny Bluetooth speaker and instead connect directly into the home speaker system. Make sure it’s loud enough for the people fucking upstairs to hear you. Hey, is that someone tapping their toe in the bathroom line? At least someone is into this!

“Too Much”

Sufjan’s experimental pivot on 2010’s ‘The Age of Adz’ is so brave, similar to how brave you are in even coming here. You try to discuss this sense of courage with young disinterested swingers taking body shots off people twice their age. Some dude buried by bodies in the other room yells, “Play something else. Play literally anything else.” You get it, some people prefer Sufjan’s earlier work. You’re just trying to find a happy medium for everyone to enjoy his masterful artistry at this sex party.

“Holland”

Walk around the party and ask people, “So do you think he’ll ever complete the ‘50 States’ album project or what?” This one is a bit slower pace, so feel free to vibe out and just drink in the entire scene. Moans surround you. You are in an ocean of limbs. Someone begins nibbling on your ear, but they walk away as soon as you start singing to yourself. Some people just don’t get it, man.

“Should Have Known Better”

Honestly, that entire 2015 album ‘Carrie & Lowell’ is such an aphrodisiac. In between tears while considering the album’s emotional heft, feel free to discuss your childhood trauma with guests at the fuck party. You ask one woman if she’s ever been left at a video store (per the lyrics of this song), but she says video stores weren’t really around anymore when she was a kid. This only increases your urge to hide in the bathroom and cry. Luckily the host has provided plenty of Kleenex boxes, sanitary wipes and bottles of mouthwash to help you freshen up.

“The Ascension”

At this point you might start getting some pushback. A man covered in latex has made a formal complaint against you. You’ve basically been playing Sufjan Stevens for the entire sex party. The host even had a playlist planned. Point out how Sufjan’s work is perfect for post-coital relaxation; everyone can metaphysically dive into the fleeting nature of life and love. Somehow the crowd just ain’t buying it. It also doesn’t help that you’re wearing his concert tee.

“The Dress Looks Nice On You”

An absent-minded compliment to a stranger (the same title as this song) soon truly drags you into the party. Off goes the belt and you find yourself in a dark room with strangers, sensations you’ve only dreamed of. You quickly put a stop to the lusty embraces. “Not today!” you shout, hurrying back to the main room so you can continue talking with guests about Sufjan Stevens.

“Celebration I”

Word of your poor etiquette spreads around the gangbang. Your friend is deeply embarrassed. You reason with the group and switch to his more ambient-leaning album. No lyrics, less distracting and heavy, right? If only they understood that his 2021 album ‘Convocations’ explores the “five “stages of grief.” This is exactly the kind of energy you want to bring to any social event, especially one where casual sex is involved.

“Enchanting Ghost”

At this point, people are pretty displeased, even with such a lovely song as 2010’s “Enchanting Ghost.” Words like “buzzkill” are being thrown around. People are dunking on you for “a complete lack of rizz.” This simply isn’t the aesthetic they are going for. You are politely asked to leave the sexy party. It’s almost like nobody actively fucking wants to think about religious symbolism or emotionally-wrought abstractions sung by someone with the voice of an angel.

“City of Roses”

Right as you try to explain that ‘The Greatest Gift’ is an album filled with unreleased tracks from ‘Carrie & Lowell,’ you are quickly shown the door. It’s been enough spreading dread and contemplation for one evening, especially at a gathering that is supposed to be fun, kinky and relaxing. I guess no one here wants to explore the cruelty of existence and longing! On the way out, let everyone know you’re on Spotify in case anyone wants the Sufjan playlist that played while everyone fucked.

“Casimir Pulaski Day”

Once you’ve been thrown out of the sex party, return with a portable speaker. Blast this outside the loft windows. People will hastily dress themselves, crawl to the window, and finally understand this song. You’ll win them over with this beautiful tune from his 2005 ‘Illinois’ album, which is actually your favorite album for getting down. Isn’t it the same for everyone else? There truly is no greater joy on Earth than non-committal sex scored by Sufjan Stevens.

Photo by Nina Corcoran.

8 Socially Acceptable Reasons To Scream “Fuckin’ Slayer!” Directly Into the Faces of Passersby

Posted on by Chris Bowen

As you probably know, FUCKIN’ SLAYYYYERRRR! But unfortunately, there are some people out there who are unaware. Yes, I know, it is very sad. What’s even more sad is the fact that not everyone enjoys having FUCKIN’ SLAYYYYERRRR yelled at them. But sometimes, it is necessary. Here are several scenarios that without a doubt, warrant a good FUCKIN’ SLAYYYYERRRRing.

1. You’re Wearing a Slayer T-Shirt and You Notice Another Person Also Wearing a Slayer T-Shirt

Okay, this is an obvious one. Everyone knows about the instant bond two people in Slayer t-shirts share. But what better way to acknowledge it other than to run right up to them and scream your love for Slayer right in their face? Careful, they might beat you to it!

2. You’re Wearing a Slayer T-Shirt, and You Notice a Person Who Isn’t Wearing a Slayer T-Shirt

How dare they own a shirt without the mighty Slayer’s logo on it, let alone wear it in public? Don’t they realize they’re like the only metal band ever to exist? Better throw up those horns and let em’ have it!

3. You See a Distracted Pedestrian Crossing the Road Into Oncoming Traffic

Oh no! That person is texting on their phone and is about to be hit by a bus! Sure, they might not be a Slayer fan, but you don’t want to see them get turned into meat sauce! FUCKIN’ SLAYER could be the phrase that makes them realize the fragility of life, or it could be the last thing they hear before being pulverized. Better hurry!

4. You Notice an Individual at a Table Across From You Being Rude to Their Server

“Does this steak look like it’s medium rare? I ordered medium rare. This is bullshit, and I ain’t paying for any of this.” Then boom, you give them the FUCKING SLAYERing of a lifetime. Look at that: They leave that poor waitress a nice fat 30% tip out of fear of looking like a fucking poser.

5. Someone is Having a Medical Emergency Such as a Seizure or Heart Attack, and You Need a Medical Professional Immediately

“FUCKIN’ SLAYER” is basically the same as “is there a doctor in the house?!” Pro tip: it works better if you’re yelling into the faces of anyone but the person who actually needs assistance.

6. You Notice a Person Who Simply Looks Like They Could Use Some “Fuckin’ Slayer” in Their Life

A life without Fuckin’ Slayer is not a life worth living. Although it’s important to respect those who choose to live a life without it. But how do they really know if they don’t want Slayer in their lives if they’ve never had it screamed directly into their face by some random fan? It’s up to you to open that door for them.

7. You Come Across a “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” Cosplayer

Proceed with this one with caution. It might not be worth it, unless you want a wooden stake fashioned from an old sofa leg jammed into your chest.

8. You’ve Decided on Naming Your Child FUCKIN’ SLAYER

The doctor brings out your new little bundle of joy, you look in his face for the first time then mutter the words, “There he is, little FUCKIN’ SLAYER junior.” It’s a beautiful feeling.

So-Called Punk Owns Second Set of Sheets

Posted on by Dom Turek

JOLIET, Ill. — Squatmate of the infamous Hell House Rodney “Worm” Mason is facing doubt from his peers after they discovered he owns not just one, but two sets of sheets, multiple sources sleeping on top of a bare mattress confirmed.

“If his sheets are on his bed, what’s he using to cover his windows?” asked fellow squatter Dan “Maggot” McDermott. “I first suspected he was selling out when I saw him framing his posters, but the 500 thread count sheet set really drove it home for me. What’s next, using a pillowcase instead of a dirty t-shirt, or a duvet cover instead of an army tarp? Where do we draw the line? We need to take a stand against this consumerist yuppie shit, else it’s a slippery slope from here.”

The contraband sheets were discovered by Sarah “Smells” Martin, who broke into Worm’s room and rifled through his drawers looking for spare weed to complete their half-rolled spliff.

“I’ve stumbled upon some pretty horrific shit while going through people’s stuff looking for things to pawn or smoke, but this takes the cake,” said scene veteran Martin. “I’m talking dead ferrets, ziplock bags full of baby teeth, and even an earring with part of someone’s ear still attached to it, but to find two sets of breathable bamboo sheet sets and even a memory foam mattress topper…it’s bone-chilling. I’ve never felt so betrayed”

The backlash hardly comes as a surprise to Worm, who says this type of hyperbolic reaction is “routine” at the dilapidated residence.

“The only reason I even bought a second set of sheets is because someone pissed on my first set, and then accidentally set fire to my bed while trying to dry the area with a space heater,” said Worm. “Everyone’s had it out for me since discovering I wash my jeans instead of sticking them in the freezer. I just hope they don’t find out about the hypoallergenic throw blanket I recently bought wholesale from Target, or I think they’ll all actually kill me.”

At press time, members of the squat were seen making plans to forcibly remove Worm from the premises after discovering he was using soap to wash the dishes instead of just rinsing them with hose water.

Help! I Just Remembered My Karaoke Song Has That One Really High Note

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

Hey, uh, bit of a situation here. I’m a few measures into my song and just realized I made a grave mistake. The bridge has this one high note I forgot about that I can’t hit. Like, at all.

I’m not panicking just yet. I’ve got options. Now the easiest would be a natural disaster. Can someone check the weather app and see if there’s a violent lightning storm headed straight for Calvin’s Sing & Sizzle Shack in the next 90 seconds? Maybe a tsunami? Yes, I know we’re in Missouri. It’s the season of miracles, guys.

Fine. So maybe a “natural” disaster that’s not quite natural, if you catch my drift? I’m not suggesting arson, but look, if anyone wants to casually drop a lit match onto a table that just happens to be soaked in kerosene, I’d really appreciate it.

Right now would be perfect, my man in the front who looks like a chain smoker. I’ll pull the alarm and we’ll all get out safely, don’t worry. Light smoke inhalation and a second-degree burn will be less painful than hearing my tortured vocal cords try to wail out the upcoming high note, believe me.

Okay. Now we’ve hit the second verse and I’m sweating. Is it too late to drop an octave? I could do a gravelly growl. Whole grunge vibe, right? I feel like that cute girl at the table over there would be into it. She’s staring at me already, and I’m sure it’s not because of the gruesome pit stains expanding across my entire shirt.

Never mind, she’s leaving. The bridge is here, and it’s do or die. I choose to die. Someone hand me one of those chicken yakitori skewers coming out of the kitchen. After a few convincing guttural coughs and spit-out chicken bits, I just have to fling my mic down and frantically make the universal choking sign as I crumple onto the floor.

I think they’re buying it. A burly guy yelling he’s a part-time EMT is making his way over. Heimlich me to death, dude. Break every bone in my body. I never thought a fake choking episode flat on my back on a sticky faux wood floor that smells like garlic and tequila was how I’d go, but I’m ready. Send me to the big hibachi grill in the sky.

Hold up, the EMT says I’m “totally fine.” Now the owner’s coming over with a glass of water and everyone in the bar is cheering for me. You know what, change the song. I’m gonna do “Bohemian Rhapsody” instead.