PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — Punxsutawney Phil, he world’s most famous groundhog, admitted he did not see his shadow which is expected to usher in early spring, and also went on a long-winded rant about the Chiefs, Taylor Swift, and the NFL, confirmed multiple sources in attendance.
“Well folks it looks like I have good news this year, spring is coming early. Put away your snow shovels and let the good times roll,” said Phil in his native language Groundhogese. “Also, bet big on the Chiefs during the Super Bowl. I know they are underdogs right now, but that’s a load of horseshit. The NFL wants the photo-op of Taylor (Swift) and Travis (Kelce) kissing while he hoists the Lombardi. The Chiefs already get away with more penalties than any other team, I guarantee those refs won’t throw their laundry during the game. You might not think one football game is a big deal, but this is all part of a deep-state plot to brainwash your children. Take it from me, I’ve been around since 1887, I’ve seen it all motherfucker.”
Tom Dunkel, President of The Groundhog’s Club and most powerful member of the Inner Circle, says the groundhog was particularly animated this year.
“Typically when I translate for him he’s only saying things like ‘Good day friends, shadow it be, winter for thee’ and fun stuff like that. But last year a kid dropped his phone near Gobbler’s Knob and we think Phil has been radicalized by Youtube and TikTok,” said Dunkel. “He came out of his burrow on fire this year. He was going on and on about how Nikki Haley needs to bow out of the Republican race for president, and how Joe Biden is causing the worst border crisis he’s ever seen. Then he just went off on how woke the NFL is becoming and basically said the player’s jerseys will be replaced by floral dresses within three seasons if things keep going the way they are. It was quite upsetting.”
Vulcan, an African Lion at Utah’s Hogle Zoo, has been predicting the Super Bowl for the last few years and issued a warning to Punxsutawney Phil.
“My friend, we are both in prison and we will never know a moment of peace, but stay in your lane or I will hunt you down and make you a midday snack,” said Vulcan. “I don’t come to your stupid little hole and start talking about my shadow, so just leave the game picks to the experts. Your theories are laughable and easily debunked. But I do actually have the Chiefs winning the game because they are battle-tested in big games and Kyle Shanahan is this century’s greatest choke artist. I’ll be roaming the plains of Africa again before this guy gets a ring.”
At press time, Punxsutawney Phil reemerged from his burrow with a MAGA hat and “Let’s Go Brandon” flag.