When you meet a new person, it can be hard to get a read on them. Is he an intellectual, or just wearing glasses? Do you hate him, or is he just holding his friend’s vape? Is he actually cool, or have you only been paying attention to his relatably grungy taste in shoes?
“Your type” and “wearing Converse” are different things (we hope), so this quiz will help you figure out which category this guy falls into.
When you think of Converse, what do you associate them with?
a) Uh…shoes?
b) They give off a harmless dirtbag energy. When a guy’s wearing them, it means he’s cool, and more importantly, it means that I should—and will—fuck that man.
Would you like this guy if he was wearing another pair of shoes?
a) I’d still like him if he was walking around in those old man/virgin shoes with the Velcro straps. I truly don’t give a shit.
b) Of course! If they’re, like, a different color Converse, or the same exact ones but as high-tops. Then yeah, 100%.
Tell me something you like about him that’s unrelated to his shoes.
a) He’s really friendly, kind, and easy to talk to. We’ve also had three random meet-cutes before this, so I think we might be soulmates?
b) Unrelated to the shoes? I also like his flannel.
Have you watched a lot of nerdy TV and movies where a scruffy, lovable main character wears Converse?
a) Is that a genre?
b) Not really—I mean, I have watched “Back to the Future,” and “Stranger Things,” and “Harry Potter,” and “Chuck,” and “Doctor Who,” and the new Spider-Man movies, and “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” and—okay, I see it now.
Are you having exactly the same feelings about another guy here wearing Converse?
a) Nope! Just this one!
b) There’s four guys at this party wearing Converse and I want them all to rawdog me.
Are you into feet?
a) Whoa!! No!
b) Whoa!! …a little.
Have you ever considered this as a Halloween costume?
a) Jesus Christ, no, that’s embarrassing.
b) YES. Eight years in a row, baby! Every day before and after Halloween, I’m dreaming of when I can once again be simultaneously enveloped by Converse of the feet and of the body. It’s a borderline religious experience for me.
If you answered mostly A: Your taste in men isn’t dependent on what his feet are wearing. Give him your number!
If you answered mostly B: It seems like you’re more interested in the shoes than the guy. Go home to your Converse and be happy without him, you little freak.
We hate to say it but one year is simply not enough time to unravel the sinister knot that is nicotine addiction, and since every year only has one year in it, it’s never the right year to quit. You could maybe switch to the patch, and you’ll be better off, but that barely registers as an accomplishment, and declaring your intention to do so out loud just seems sad.
We combed a lot of resolution lists to nail down our top 30 and this gem was on every single one. We don’t get it. It’s like saying “This is the year I let everyone in my life know that I’m some sort of intrusive psychopath and convince them that my presence in their life is a complete imposition!” Is there anything more alarmingly unhinged than using your phone as a phone when no one even died? What the hell do you mean you’re “just saying hi,” what even is that?!
Sounds nice, but chips are pretty fattening, so hard pass. Sure our clothes would fit better, but they’re already covered in grease stains and burn holes so who really cares how they fit?
Apparently doomscrolling social media posts doesn’t count, they mean the bad kind of reading, i.e. books. We have nothing against books per se, they get turned into movies, but like why would you read books when there are movies? It’s just a more efficient story-delivery vehicle for people who are stoned out of their gourd carbo-loading on bag after bag of primo Cape Code Kettle Chips.
We have no problem volunteering our time to charitable efforts, provided that we can be high out of our minds and eat chips during that time. Like, maybe there’s something that helps homeless people that needs to be weighed down for some reason, and we could sit on it? Oh, that’s not super helpful? By all means fire us!
Sounds like a good idea until you get to that point in the week where junk food and pot get boring, and then what are you supposed to do to feel anything, jump out of an airplane? That’s dangerous.
Everyone enjoys the idea of keeping in touch with the people who have mattered throughout their lives. Unfortunately, everyone hates the practice. Even now just writing a blurb about messaging people I am becoming exhausted mentally and emotionally. Sorry everyone I went to high school or played music with, all the best, see you at a funeral or something.
Yes, apparently people en mass are deciding to make this the year they finally address their mounting dental issues, Most of us here at The Hard Times have passed the point of no return on that years ago. While the dentist can be a valuable source of Vicoden, the juice isn’t quite worth the squeeze. Besides, at least our weed dealer never judges us for how much potato chip gunk is embedded in our gums.
Apparently, there’s a rising trend of adults joining rec leagues to relive their high school sports days, but if you’re a sports person, think back to that time. What was the most fun part? Getting stoned and grabbing food after the game, right? Right. Just cut out the middleman.
A new year is a solid reminder that you’re not getting any younger, and your metabolism is not what it used to be. A proper diet includes plenty of whole grains, leafy greens, a wide range of vegetables, and fruits. It tastes like fucking garbage, pass me the chips I’m stoned off my tits.
Whether you’re doing dry January, sober October, or obstaning during a month without a fun rhyme, you are a fucking bummer. What, you’re just proving you can do it and then going right back? That’s sort of like rubbing it in the face of us addicts pal. Is it lonely up there on your high horse?
Really not much to report when you’re just getting blazed and eating garbage all day.
Do they have cannabis and junk food there? Oh, they do? Well, we have some at home and we can consume it without having to worry about a TSA agent going through our bag.
“Detective Holden McDiesel exhaled his morning bong rip through the tattered blinds of his office window, out onto the mean streets below. ‘I need a case like I need a bag of chips’ he mused to himself detectively.”
We’re not going to say we’re “too smart for therapy,” that’s a load of toxic bullshit. We’re not going to therapy because we’re already treating our traumas with potato chips and weed, and frankly, they’re doing a bang-up job. Thanks for helping me cope with my abusive father doctor Lays! Great job curbing those panic attacks doctor Mircale Alien cookies!
Have you ever tasted this crap?! It literally tastes like nothing. We even tried dipping some chips in the water to spice it up a little and it just made the water and the chips worse, even sour cream and cheddar ruffles! If the good lord wanted us to drink water he wouldn’t have invented Mountain Dew and vodka.
