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Recently Out Bisexuals Inch Back Into Closet After Potential Paramore Breakup Rumors

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local woman Kirsten Russet decided to rescind her “out” status as bisexual following online rumors that Paramore is breaking up, sources confirmed.

“Listen, as a teen, I was way too into Paramore, but didn’t really know why. Then ‘This Is Why,’ came out like an answer to my previous obsession, and I realized that I was extremely crushing on Hayley,” said Russet while curled up in the fetal position. “So I came out of the closet as bi, because I don’t think this is just a single-target sexuality situation. But then the band nuked their social media presence, and fuck, now my first girl love and root is gone. I am untethered. I think I need to just gaslight everyone I told and pretend it never happened, or say I just did it to piss my dad off. I’m so not ready to face this world without them.”

Lori Flanagan, Russet’s closest friend since high school, reported mixed feelings about the situation.

“Kirsten is the most obviously bisexual person on planet Earth, even if she was the last person to figure it out,” Flanagan said while fielding panicked texts from Russet. “Her insane teenage fixation on this band was just the beginning. I was honestly relieved when they released some new material for her to finally have the brainpower to understand herself a little better. But good god, she sees like three online articles regurgitating the same information, and she’s so distraught she’s about to crawl back in the closet. I can almost guarantee you this is just a label changeover. From the band, not her. She’s definitely bi.”

Human sexuality expert Dr. Evers Braunt weighed in on Russet’s current state.

“People who have recently come out as anything other than heterosexual are often in a very fragile state mentally for the first few months. They’ll cling to communities and icons as a way of navigating their new life. But if that is taken away from them, all hell can break loose,” said Braunt. “I saw this a lot in the 80s, specifically after David Bowie said his ‘biggest mistake was saying he was bi.’ That was disastrous for a huge swath of very skinny and very fashionable young men who spent their youth extremely confused by Ziggy Stardust.”

At press time, Flanagan was seen showing Russet old photos of Tegan and Sara as a “reminder.”