WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Loyal Weakerthans fan Tim Ezra was shocked to find that the city that inspired many melancholy, somber ballads is so dreary, cold, and gray, several seasonally-affected sources confirmed.
“I really expected the hometown of my favorite overly-literate Canadian indie-punk band to be a vibrant, soulful community with a thriving local arts scene where young songwriters could nurture their craft,” said Ezra while shivering outside a Tim Hortons. “Instead, the place that inspired John K. Samson’s subdued, emotional lyrical style is freezing cold, the roads are in terrible shape, and the sky is constantly a depressing dark gray color. What gives?”
Many Winnipeg residents were surprised at Ezra’s assumption that Canada’s seventh-largest metropolitan area was a warm and welcoming hub of cultural activity and home to a flourishing music community.
“I felt bad breaking it to the guy that the North End isn’t some Mecca of artistic self-expression, and that it’s mostly just petty crime and slow gentrification,” said lifelong Winnipeg native Joe Tuber. “And I think he was a little disappointed when he found out that the Jets are actually pretty decent this year. It’s tough to have your illusion broken like that, but, come on. Half of the Weakerthans’ catalog is about grappling with the existential dread of living in southern Manitoba your whole life, or being so sad that not even your cat wants to hang out with you. I’m not really sure what he expected.”
Frank Dimmly, bus driver for Winnipeg Transit, was similarly puzzled by Ezra’s intense fascination with the “Chicago of the North.”
“I’ve never seen someone so excited to be taking Winnipeg public transit in the middle of January,” said Dimmly while on his smoke break. “Most of my riders just sit silently and stare out the window, trying to forget that they live and work in a city with the highest homicide rate in Canada and an average winter temperature of 11 degrees Fahrenheit, but this guy just kept asking me if I had any ex-girlfriends living nearby whose houses we could wistfully drive past.”
At press time, Ezra was seen stopping traffic to take a photo with a 1996 Chevy Cavalier that had stalled out in the turning lane on Portage Avenue.